


Illusions

by guilty_as_charged



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2018-07-15 12:30:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 80
Words: 315,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7222378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guilty_as_charged/pseuds/guilty_as_charged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While kicking off the first leg of their Europe tour, Sara falls for Tegan and tries to keep it a secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Figment

**Sara**

“I’ll take her home”, I heard a voice haze through my mind as my vision continued to blur.

Nothing was registering in my brain anymore.

I think I’ve had too many drinks. The last thing I remember was laughing out of disgust and horror at the concoction in that red solo cup as it stood in the centre of the table surrounded by a circle of cards. It was the result of too many kings turned over in the deck – my coffee and Bailey’s didn’t look all that great mixed with Tegan’s bloody ceaser and Lindsey’s import beer.

God I hope I don’t pick up that last king.

Or did someone already pick up the last King? I don’t think we’re playing king’s cup anymore. No we’re not. Is everyone leaving already? What’s that taste in my m—oh God I did pick up the last King.

I have no idea what’s going on.

Someone latched onto my arm. I’m assuming it was the same person who said they would take care of her. Also assuming that her was me.

“Stace?” I questioned with a slur.

“No, Sara. It’s your sister.” Tegan growled.

“Where’s Stacy?”

“She said bye to you already. You’re too drunk for her to give you a kiss goodnight, so I just told her I’ll text her when I get you home safe. We’re leaving now. You are way done for the night, Sare. Mom’s probably worried about us, anyway. She wants us to spend time with her before we leave tomorrow. And boy are you going to be sick.”

I felt Lindsey in Tegan’s arm as she kissed her goodbye. Tegan’s other arm was occupied in mine, ensuring that I stay upright. That was becoming more difficult the longer we stood, waiting to leave.

“Night, Lindsey. I’ll text you when we get home; it’s only a few minutes down from here. We’ll be fine.” I heard Tegan say to Lindsey as she walked me outside.

I felt the cool, summer night breeze hit my skin as Tegan led me outside, clinging to me. If Tegan let go of me at anytime I would have met the ground in less than a second. I could tell she wasn’t too happy with me, always having to be the responsible older twin having to take care of her younger sister.

\--

Tegan shut the front door behind us as she quickly covered my mouth with her other hand. “Mom’s sleeping, Sare. You have to be really quiet. I don’t want to wake her. I’ll help you get to your room, but please be quiet going up the stairs.”

“Okay, Tee, I’ll be quiet. Just don’t let go of me.” I whispered in her ear as I clung to my sister’s arm.

Tegan sighed as she helped me up the stairs and down the hall to my bedroom.

“I texted Lindsey and Stacy that we got home safe, okay Sare? There’s a glass of water beside your bed if you wake up thirsty in the middle of the night. Try to sleep, okay? I’m just in the other room down the hallway if you need anything.” Tegan offered.

“Thanks, Tee. Night.” I could barely finish my sentence as my head hit the pillow.

\--

_I woke up in the middle of the night. I was so dehydrated. I grabbed the water from my bedside and gulped down the entire glass. As I took my last sip, about to set the glass of water back down, I noticed Tegan standing by my bedside._

_Staring at me._

_“Tegan?”_

_She didn’t respond._

_“Tegan, what are you doing?”_

_She stepped closer to me and softly touched my cheek. She traced her hand down my jawline, hovering her fingers across my collarbone, past my neck as they landed entangled on the spaces between my ribs. I took a deep breath in as she caressed all over my skin, which was now covered in goose bumps._

_Why was she doing this to me? I questioned to myself as I continued to sit upright and still, putting my glass down on my night table._

_“Hey, sis. You’re so beautiful.” Tegan admitted, with what sounded like a slight taunt in her voice. Still touching my skin, her fingers leading to my bellybutton now. I looked up at her face. Her eyebrows drawing closer to her eyelids, face growing more serious. She sucked her labret piercing between her teeth and bit hard. She didn’t look like she was taunting me anymore. Her gaze was locked between my eyes and her fingers as they controlled my body to jolt with shamed pleasure._

_She never looked at me like this._

_“Tegan, are you naked?” I questioned as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, distracted by her clutching the strap-on between her legs with the digits she wasn’t teasing my body with. “Is that a—what are you doing, Tee?” I asked again. A shiver shot up and down my core as she continued to stare at my naked body in the most serious face I had ever seen come from my older twin._

_The room was dead silent. It felt like time froze as she continued to stare from my body to my face simultaneously. I didn’t think she was going to respond._

_“I want to make love to you, Sara. I want to make you feel good. I want you to come for me. I want to make you scream my name until your body can’t handle any more convulsing and shuddering. Will you let me make love to you, sis?” Tegan requested as she inched into my bed and positioned my legs on either side of her, opening myself physically to her question._

_I have got to still be drunk._

_“Tegan, you’ve been loving me all our lives. I know you love me. We love each other and we know that. We’re sisters.”_

_Okay I definitely must be drunk. I must be stupid to not realize that my sister just proposed to have sex with me._

_“I don’t want you to make love to me, Tee. I want you to fuck me.”_

_Yep, definitely drunk. I just told my sister to fuck me. There is something seriously wrong with me as a human being._

_“Your bedroom door is shut, okay Sare?” She whispered as she quickly covered my mouth. “But you have to be really quiet. Mom’s sleeping, Sare. I don’t want your screaming to wake her. She doesn’t know about this. I’m gonna make you come, but please be quiet when you start to scream.”_

_“Okay, Tee, I’ll be quiet. Just please take care of me tonight. I want you so bad, I want to feel you close to me. I want you to hold me.” I whispered in her ear as she edged closer between my legs._

_Tegan’s face met mine as she gave me a kiss on the cheek, reassuring me that I could trust myself with her tonight. We locked eyes and it took what felt like a minute until we could look away. I was staring at my twin sister who I shared everything with—my face, my genetics, my life, my most intimate secrets._

_And now my body._

_But it felt so right at this moment with her. I felt safe._

_Her serious stare finally broke into a smile. I looked away from her eyes and down at her identical mouth. I started to get a little nervous._

_Was I really going through with this?_

_“Don’t worry, Sare.” Tegan comforted me as our lips inched closer. I knew she could feel my nerves, she always could. I could feel her breath hot on my face, my heart beating faster and my breathing begin to quicken with every inch closer our faces became. Her hand cupped my cheek as she propped herself up overtop of me with the other._

_With the hand cupping my face, Tegan rubbed the corner of my mouth with her thumb, smudging my lipstick from last night. She stared at me and searched my eyes for the same desire she had in hers. She took in a deep breath and lingered as she held my face._

_“Can I kiss you?”_

_Adrenaline rushed through my veins and butterflies in my stomach as Tegan asked me this. I managed to let out a faint “mhm” from my cracked, shaking voice._

_“It’s okay. Don’t be nervous. I love you.”_

_“I love you, too, Tee.”_

_Tegan pressed her lips against mine after giving her permission to. I could feel the passion from her mouth as she kissed me for the first time. I knew she could feel my heart pounding in my chest as she held me closer and kissed me harder. I managed to gasp for air in the split second that Tegan’s mouth detached from mine, which converted into a desperate whimper._

_Tegan took my sound as approval to go further as she dragged herself away from my face, pulling my lower lip with her as she bit it between her teeth. She softly kissed the vein on my neck and trailed down across my collarbones, not leaving an inch of my body unkissed. Her hands gently squeezed my breasts as they guided her mouth towards my nipples. My body tensed as I knew what she was about to do, and Tegan felt it, too. This time it wasn’t from nerves._

_Tegan drew light circles on the buds with her tongue, and my body jerked into an arch as my head shot up facing the wall behind me. I released another moan as my twin clamped the bud between her teeth and gently flicked with her tongue. My body was so sensitive to her touch._

_“Do you like it when I do that?” Tegan whispered in my ear while her fingers teased my breasts._

_She watched me twist with pleasure in response to her question as I let out another whine, impatient for her to continue teasing me._

_Tegan forcefully took my hips and jerked my body around so that I faced away from her. She continued the grasp on my hips and dragged me upright so that I was on my hands and knees. I let out a loud cry as she spanked me hard and tied my wrists to the bedpost._

_“I said ‘Do you like when I do that, Sara?’” Tegan scowled as she gently stroked my reddened skin, making sure she didn’t cause me too much pain._

_“Yes.” I cried._

_“Tell me you like it, Sara.” Tegan demanded, threatening to spank me again._

_“I like it when you bite my nipples, Tee.” I confessed._

_“That’s better.” Tegan said as she traced my centre with her digits. I could feel her eyes burning a hole in the back of my skull as she watched me squirm with pleasure. I knew she wanted me to beg and hear me say what I wanted her to do._

_“You’re so wet,” Tegan said as she rubbed my clit, stroking harder and faster each time. “Do you want me inside you?” She continued._

_“Yes, Tee.” I asserted._

_“I don’t know if I’m convinced that you do,” she said as she teased to slip her middle finger in and out of my entrance, “you said you wanted me to fuck you, didn’t you, Sare?_ _”_

_“Yes, Tee.” I repeated, letting out an impatient shriek this time._

_“I want you to beg. Don’t make me spank you again.” Tegan asserted authoritatively._

_“Tegan, please,” I choked out; I could barely speak from the dehydration as a result of last night._

_“Sara, tell me what you want.”_

_I swallowed my shame and begged. I knew that’s what she wanted me to do. I didn’t want to say it; we both knew what I wanted, I didn’t need to beg._

_“Fuck me, Tegan. I want you to fuck me. Please fuck me.” I pleaded, without even looking at her face I could tell how much she loved it. “There I said it! Are you happy, Te-”, before I could finish my sentence, she flipped me over onto my back with my wrists still tied to the bed. Tegan slipped her teasing finger fully inside of me, adding another as I tried to hold in a moan. I was unbelievably wet and a little embarrassed that it was because of my twin. I felt my eyes roll back into my head as she rocked into me._

_“Look at me while I fuck you, Sara.” Tegan demanded as she grabbed me and spanked me again, rougher than the last. Tegan slid her fingers out of me and made me taste myself as she placed the strap-on between my legs, glossed with wetness from my sex._

_Tegan watched me with sickening pleasure as I swallowed my cum from the two fingers that she just had inside me._

_“Do you taste good, sis?” Tegan asked as she continued to slip her fingers in and out of my mouth, biting her lip as she continued to watch. I knew she was going to spank me again if I didn’t answer. I managed to let out a small “mm”, which turned into a much-needed gasp for air as Tegan took her fingers out of my mouth and into hers to taste me. She had a sense of pleasure on her face as she licked her lips, coating the taste from her fingers on them._

_Tegan gripped the strap-on between her legs as she moved it between mine to where I needed it most. She moved it up and down my clit and around my opening, coating it with my juices before thrusting it inside me. My body began to twitch; I couldn’t handle any more waiting. My twin put her hand on my hip to stabilize herself and her thumb on my clit, which was now aching for her to be inside me. She could see the displeasure growing stronger on my face the longer she lingered._

_I took a deep breath as my twin started to fill me. I could feel my body working so hard to resist a shudder jerk through my core. My centre was soaking wet that Tegan started rocking into me, faster and faster each time. My arms were still tied up above my head that all I could do was watch the twisted pleasure on Tegan’s face as she fucked me and watched my body shake._

_“Do you like fucking your sister, Sara?” Tegan probed as I came close to my peak._

_I tried to speak. I couldn’t even look at her, my eyes felt like they were rolled back to the inside of my head and I couldn’t part my lips for fear of screaming uncontrollably and waking up our mom. I was so worked up that I could only manage to let out a small cry._

_Tegan started to fuck me harder and repeated the question. “Sara, do you like fucking your sister?”_

_I tried to let out a ‘yes’, but my response was muted by my screams._

_“Are you gonna come for me, Sare? Tell me like fucking your sister.” Tegan demanded._

_I couldn’t keep my mouth closed any longer as Tegan brought me closer to my orgasm and fucked me harder. My lungs emptied as I cried and screamed in pleasure._

_“Oh God, Tegan!”_

_“Say it, Sara.” Tegan demanded, inching her hand near my thigh in a threat to spank me again._

_“I love fucking my sister. Oh God! You’re so good at fucking my pussy, Tee. Don’t stop. I’m gonna come. You’re gonna make me come, Tee. I’m gonna, I’m gonna—”_

I woke up in a sweat; mouthing my discourse and panting and gasping with my hands gestured above my head and jerked them down to my sides in mortification. I could feel the wetness between my thighs without even touching myself. My mouth dehydrated and my heart racing. I looked around for water and glanced outside my window. It was morning.

What the fuck just happened?


	2. Repression

**Sara**

 

I heard my phone buzz on my nightstand. I sat up in bed and reached for my phone to check the text.

 

_Good morning, Sara. I heard you two had a late night. I hope you’re not too sick. I made you girls breakfast since I won’t be seeing you for a few weeks. Get washed up and come downstairs. Tegan and I are waiting for you. Love mom._

Once I put my phone down I reached for the glass of water. The cold liquid felt so good going down my dry throat. It all felt so real. I reached my hand down between my thighs to my panties. They were drenched from my arousal and I felt my clit twitch at the thought of the dream. My breasts were tender and my mouth sensitive—I was unbelievably warm and all I could feel was heat racing through my body. I needed to get rid of this feeling before going downstairs to Tegan.

 

It was just a stupid dream.

 

I got up out of bed to grab a towel from the closet. I ran down the hallway and heard mom call my name.

 

“I’ll be down in ten minutes!” I yelled in an unintentional high-pitched voice. I did that when I was nervous. God, damnit. I can’t hide anything from Tegan. She’s going to know something’s wrong.

 

“Okay, Sara. It was a pointless dream. It didn’t mean anything. You’re going to forget about it and realize you’re making a big deal over nothing once you take a cold shower and cool off,” I encouraged myself.

 

It  _was_  just a stupid dream. Right?

 

I shut the bathroom door and threw all of my clothes into the corner. I glanced at my body in the mirror and couldn’t help but think of Tegan’s identical one. Staring back at me by my bedside from last night’s hallucination, wearing nothing but a strap-on. That’s what it was right, a hallucination? I bet someone from the party drugged me last night. No one in their right mind comes up with fucked-up shit like that by themselves. That must have been it. Yep. I’m going with that.

 

I stepped in the shower and felt the hot punches of water against my skin, which was still burning hot and couldn’t handle any more heat. I turned the knob so that it was only cold water on me. It felt so good. That’s exactly what I needed. I started to feel better as the cold water calmed my body down. It’ll all be over soon and I’ll be free of these twisted thoughts.

 

I finished washing my face and moved onto my body, still sensitive when I touched it. I felt the powerful vibrations of the water hit my nipples and my body jerked as a result of still being on edge. Then I realized it.

 

I never got to come.

 

Oh no. I had to do it.

 

I couldn’t stop myself. I’m now cursing this fucked-up figment of my imagination.

 

_What’s wrong with me?_

 

The question repeated itself endlessly in my head as I stared at the showerhead and all of its different pressure settings. I took the showerhead off of the grip and brushed the water against my unsteady hand. All I could think of was how much I craved the pulsating pressure against my clit so that I could finally orgasm. Part of me even justified it by bringing up the point that it’ll all be done with once I finish what I had started with this dream.

 

I turned the nozzle to the highest pressure setting on the showerhead as I sat on the edge of the bathtub. I teased myself by aiming the showerhead on my chest, flicking against my nipples. I held in a subtle moan of pleasure as I opened my lips and exposed my clit to the cold, whipping pressure of the pulsating showerhead.

 

I pressed the showerhead harder against myself as my I clenched my stomach hard, in effort to resist the shaking from the oncoming orgasm that was much needed from last night. Since it’s been a while since I’ve touched myself like this, my hands impulsively wanted to jut away from pressure against my oversensitive clit. I forced my body to bear it so I could ride it out. I closed my eyes so I could focus on my orgasm and drown out the sound of the flickering water.

 

_Look at me while I fuck you, Sara._

 

Oh, fuck.

 

I shot my eyes open as I almost allowed myself to cum when Tegan’s voice entered my mind. I tried to repress the thought and continued to focus on my orgasm. The pressure was building inside my core that it started to hurt and my body was trying to jerk.

 

I could barely resist it any longer.

 

There was a small, twisted part of me that enjoyed the torture I caused on myself.

 

_Do you like fucking your sister, Sara?_

And then there was a huge, fucked up part of me that gets turned on by the thought of fucking my identical twin sister.

I repressed the voice again, keeping my concentration set on the powerful sensations shooting up and down my core.

 

_Are you gonna come for me, Sare? Tell me you like fucking your sister._

The thought of Tegan thrusting her strap-on in and out of me as I screamed with pleasure while she spanked me overshadowed any attempt of repressing her recurring voice in my head.

 

“I love fucking my sister. Oh God! You’re so good at fucking my pussy, Tee. Don’t stop. I’m gonna come. You’re gonna make me come, Tee. I’m gonna, I’m gonna—”

 

Before I could stop myself, I let my guard down and felt my body uncontrollably tremor and convulse hard as I reached my climax and allowed myself to cum at the thought of my twin.

 

“Fuck! Yes! Oh my God, Tegan. Fuck, Tee!” I whimpered in pleasure as my body rocked and thudded against the cold shower wall.

 

I didn’t realize until the words came out of my mouth that I was reenacting the dream and masturbating to my sister.

 

Was it possible to come out of the shower dirtier than I came in?

 

I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror as I wrapped myself in my towel and darted back to my room and got dressed. I’m sure ten minutes has far passed.

 

I tried not to think about what I just did, but I couldn’t help it. I felt so dirty and sick, but I had to admit to myself that it turned me on and I liked it. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about it, but I knew Tegan definitely wasn’t finding out.

 

We have an amazing relationship, and I would never want to ruin it over my failure to repress this warped dream. She’s my business partner and my best friend. And my  _sister_. I shared the womb with her. She and I have a bond that transcends into time and space. I love her unconditionally and I know she feels the same. We’ve gotten through rough patches and we’re going to get through this.  _I’m_  going to get through this.

 

I smoothed down my blue button-up and gingerly walked downstairs to the kitchen, where Tegan and mom were waiting for me. As I stood at the doorway, Tegan's head shot up and made eye contact.

 

“Hi, Sare.”


	3. Reciprocation

**Tegan**

Sara looked like she needed to go back to sleep. She was showered and well dressed, but I could see in her face that she still hadn’t recovered from last night’s drinking. She looked a little flushed in her face, too.

I should have been a better sister and taken her home before letting her have as many drinks as she did. I wonder if she remembers much or even leaving last night. She was never one to handle alcohol well, hence why we don’t drink much on the road.

She seemed to have gotten to sleep quickly last night, though.

Sara barely acknowledged my greeting her when she walked into the kitchen. She looked down as I made eye contact with her and let out an uncomfortable smile as she cleared her throat. She gestured a wave while continuing to stare at the ground as she took a plate from the kitchen cabinet.

“Good morning, beautiful. Did you have a good sleep?” Mom questioned. I could tell she was already worrying that Sara was going to be sick all day.

Sara’s tone was more shrill and quiet than usual. She didn’t look at ease. It’s probably best if I take care of her today. I needed her to be healthy and well again by the time we fly out tomorrow morning.

“Good morning, mom. I did sleep well. I might need Tegan to fill me in on how I got home last night. I don’t remember saying bye to anyone.” Sara said as she kissed mom on the cheek and pulled up a seat beside me at the table.

I laughed as I gently nudged Sara’s arm.

“Oh, Sare. You’re so lucky to have a sister like me to take care of you and walk you home when you’ve had too much to drink. Which is pretty much all the time now. Let’s be real. I can’t take you anywhere, anymore. Can I? I ditched Lindsey to make sure you got home safe. I know. You don’t have to thank me.”

“Yeah, okay Tee. Way to make yourself look good in front of mom. You just save your partying for the road. You’re much worse than I am. Then it’s me who has to take care of you!” Sara fought back with a teasing grin on her face, looking a little more at ease now.

“Okay, girls. You’ll have plenty of time to argue while you’re touring in Europe. Save it for your shows. I want to have a nice breakfast with you two before I leave for work in an hour. I won’t be home tonight so this is the last I’ll be seeing you for a month.” Mom said as I her voice turned to anguish.

She was so excited for us to be touring again, but I could tell she was a little sad she wasn’t able to join us this time. With all the bussing and flying we’ll have to do every day, it was easy for her to constantly worry about us. I knew she was at peace with the fact that Sara and I were going to be traveling with each other.

“It’s okay, mom. We’ll be fine, we always are. We’ll have the guys with us too,” I reassured her.

“I know you will be, Tee. But I’m a mom, I’d be worried if I wasn’t worrying about you two,” she smiled at Sara and I.

We spent the rest of breakfast talking about our plans for Europe and how excited we were to be leaving tomorrow morning. Sara was still more quiet than usual as she slowly picked apart her food. Part of me started to worry a little for her, but I had to reassure myself she just needed some time to recover from last night. By the time we were all finished, I started to clean up the plates and clear the table.

“So, Sasa. What do you say we put on a movie in your room? I’ll bring you some tea and later I’ll help you finish packing. I want you to get as much rest as possible. I’m all yours today.” I smiled at her as I took her plate, not wanting her to make her do too much work.

Sara finally made eye contact and smiled. “That sounds great, Tee.”

\--

I told Sara I would meet her upstairs once the kettle finished boiling. I picked out her favourite loose-leaf green tea and added a little bit of honey and lemon. I said goodbye to mom and told her I would take care of Sara, reassuring her she had nothing to worry about. I gave my mom a tight squeeze before running upstairs to Sara with her tea.

“Here you go, Sare. I made your favourite.” I said as I moved the empty glass of water by her night table and replaced it with the hot cup of tea.

“Thanks, Tee. That’s really sweet,” Sara looked up at me as she smiled. She looked so helpless and hung-over. Poor thing. I smiled back as I shooed her over to the other side of the bed so I could sit down.

“I see you drank the glass of water I got for you last night.” I observed as I pointed to the huge, empty glass, “Did you wake up in the middle of the night?”

“No…not that I remember. I…um…I woke up really dehydrated. Thanks for bringing it, Tee. I must have had a lot to drink last night, didn’t I?” Sara looked at me with curious eyes.

I paused and looked at her.

“So, what’s the last thing you remember?” I tested her, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

“Well, I remember us starting to play king’s cup. But I don’t remember picking up any cards for my turn or anything. I don’t remember saying bye to anyone, or that you walked me home, or how I even got to bed for that matter.”

I laughed as I handed Sara her cup of tea.

“Wow, Sara. You don’t remember any of the good stuff, do you? We all had such a good time last night—you were so funny. We were so mean to you. You were so out of it that you kept having to take shots because you couldn’t play any of the cards you picked up properly. You couldn’t think of any rhymes or categories. You kept answering to my questions and I was the Question Master. You ended up being everyone’s date and you had to drink when anyone else did. Lindsey tried to make a rule that you had to take a shot whenever a card got picked up, but I yelled at her and told her you were cut off. We played the entire game and we all put a bit of our drinks in the king’s cup. Your Bailey’s totally curdled with my ceaser and you picked up the last king. Oh my god your face was priceless!” I couldn’t hold in my laughter any longer as I told her about last night.

I watched Sara, stunned at the story, as I saw a look of embarrassment creep onto her face. I worried that I hurt her feelings so I instinctively grabbed her hand to comfort her.

“Don’t worry, Sare. You didn’t embarrass yourself at all, I promise. Everyone thought you were cute and such a lightweight. You know we all love to pick on you, but I made sure you got home safe and that you had lots of water,” I said as I reassured her.

“Wow,” Sara finally spoke, “how do I not remember that?”

“It’s okay, Sare. We all have those nights. We had fun and you’re safe and that’s all that matters. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Easy for you to say. I’m sure nobody was laughing at  _you!”_ Sara shrieked and pushed me with the hand she wasn’t holding her cup of tea with. “Oh my god, Tee, you’re horrible! I can’t believe you let me drink that much!”

“Calm down, Sare”, I nudged her back teasingly, “technically Stacy let you drink that much, too and you’re not mad at  _her_.”

Sara said nothing and continued to glare at me. I swear she takes pleasure in picking fights with me. I wouldn’t be surprised if they turned into fistfights like they did when we first starting touring. Oh, how we’ve come such a long way with our sisterly bond.

I nudged Sara’s shoulder and got out of bed to look at her movie collection. “Okay, Sare. Enough talking, you pick the movie. What do you want to watch?”

“You pick, Tee. You’re already giving up your day to spend time with your hung-over sister who can barely move.”

“Oh come on, Sara. You know I love spending time with you; you’re my best friend. And if I have to take care of you I don’t even hesitate because I know you would do the same for me,” I looked up from Sara’s movie collection and gave her my warmest, most sincere smile. I feel like she needed to hear that today. She seemed so under the weather.

Sara froze and her face turned serious. “You mean it?”

“Are you kidding, Sara? You’re my sister. I love you. Don’t ever forget that I do. No matter what.”

The room was so quiet I could hear Sara swallow and her face remained serious, but starting to redden.

“Alright, alright, I’m making you blush, calm down, Sara. Hop back in the sister closet”, I teased her but I didn’t hear a giggle like I typically would when I made that joke. Well that was awkward. “Okay, so what do we have…Hotel New Hampshire, isn’t that your favourite book, Sare?”

“Yeah, I’ve never seen the movie though. John Irving is brilliant. It’s my favourite book.”

“Well I haven’t seen either, so let’s watch it,” I said as I put on the movie and sat back in bed next to Sara as she held onto her tea and sipped it slowly.

We didn’t say much for most of the movie—well Sara didn’t. I asked a lot of questions. I do that. Sara doesn’t mind though, she loved talking about her favourite book. Every once in a while, though, she would tell me to shut up. She handed me her empty teacup and I put it on her night table beside me.

“This family is so strange. What’s with the bear? Why do they keep saying that everyone has a bear in their life? What does that mean, Sara?”

“Well, at first when I was reading it, I thought it meant that everyone has something fucked up in their life. But when I kept reading I think a bear is something or someone that makes you feel like your life is worth living,” Sara explained.

“Aw that’s sweet. Isn’t that sweet, Sara?” I gleamed up at my sister.

Sara said nothing.

“Hey, Sara.”

“Yes, Tee?”

“You’re  _my_ bear.” I teased her, hugging her tight.

“Fuck off, Tegan!”

“Well, never mind then. You’re just  _a_  vicious bear.”

I tried to hold in my laughter at how mad I made Sara. She may love picking arguments with me, but I find so much pleasure in teasing her. Her reactions are just so hilarious.

“This movie’s really strange. It’s interesting, though. This is one of those movies where everyone dies, isn’t it? Why do you always like these, Sara? That’s so depressing. It’s also kind of fucked up. Who are the people that write these things?” I went on and on.

“Maybe  _I’m_  just a little fucked up”, she said seriously.

“Could be.”

\--

I looked away from the television screen and over to Sara. I wanted to make sure she was okay. She was lying by my side, curled up next to my waist. She was sound asleep. Her hands were folded into each other and delicately set on my stomach. She looked so peaceful and quiet.

I pulled the blankets up to cover her body and lied down next to her. I gently moved her head so that it was on my chest as I put my arm around her so she could use me as a pillow. She unfolded her hands and gently squeezed my waist.

“I love you, Tee”, she whispered in her sleep as she buried her head further into my chest.

“I love you, too, Sara.” I reciprocated and tightly squeezed her back. I brushed her bangs back to give her a light kiss on her forehead. Sara let out a soft hum and I could tell she felt comfortable.

This moment was about perfect with Sara, until I clued back into the movie to notice the incestuous lovemaking scene where the brother and sister stayed in bed for thirty hours with each other.

Sara really  _is_ fucked up _._


	4. Acceptance

**Sara**

I woke to the sound of banging on the front door.

I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and noticed I fell asleep on Tegan’s chest. I had my arms wrapped around her. She must have let me; she had her arms wrapped around my body as well.

She had always been so protective and caring toward me, always taking her role of the  _older_  sister very seriously—despite being older by only seven minutes.

“Hey, Tee,” I gently shook her arm, “wake up, someone’s at the door.”

“Oh, hey Sara,” Tegan awoke, “I must have fallen asleep with you. Do you feel any better?”

“Yeah. I think I just needed to sleep it off a bit more,” I smiled up at her, “thanks for taking care of me.”

The banging on the door continued, reminding me why I woke up in the first place.

“Stay here, I’ll get it,” Tegan offered.

I peeled myself out of Tegan’s embrace so that she could get up and answer the door. I glanced at my phone to check the time. It was already seven o’clock. We must have fallen asleep before the movie ended.

I noticed I had an unread message from this morning. It was from Stacy.

_Good morning, love. I’m glad to hear you got home safe. How are you feeling?_

Before my mind could register to respond to Stacy’s text, an obnoxious laugh distracted me from downstairs.

It was Lindsey.

What was she doing here?

A rush of sadness washed over me. I thought Tegan and I were going to have the house to ourselves, getting ready for tomorrow morning. I wanted Tegan all to myself. I didn’t want Lindsey to be here right now.

“Hey, alcoholic! Did you stay in bed all day?” Lindsey quipped as she barged into my room, holding Tegan by the hand as she pulled her with her.

“Yeah, I was a little hung-over. But I’m better now, Tegan took care of me all day.” I attempted to hide my dismay that she was here, but hint at her imposing.

“Good! I’m glad to hear you’re better! Especially for tomorrow, Tegan shouldn’t have let you drink that much, eh?” Lindsey continued as she nudged my shoulder.

“Yep. I haven’t heard that one enough today,” Tegan snickered.

“I’m gonna go grab my bag from downstairs. I’ll be in your room, Tegan,” Lindsey said as she pulled away from Tegan’s hand, shooting her a wink as she left my room.

Tegan waited for Lindsey to leave and looked at me.

“She surprised me, I had no idea. I’m sorry, Sare,” Tegan apologized. “Do you want me to tell her to go? I still have to help you pack.”

“It’s okay, Tee. Go hang out with her. This is your last day together, anyway. I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” I faked a smile and tried my best to hide my disappointment.

“I know you’re just being nice, but we’re gonna have fun tomorrow. I can’t wait,” Tegan smiled at me, “I’m sorry again, sis, but you’re the best. See you tomorrow bright and early.”

Tegan shut the door and I heard her footsteps trail down the hall to her room, where Lindsey was waiting for her. The house would have been silent if it wasn’t for Lindsey’s loud voice.

I sat still in my bed.

Not wanting to accept the fact that I wasn’t going to be spending time with my sister tonight. The whole day was perfect with her.

Without Lindsey.

I heard Tegan laughing with Lindsey. I wasn’t prepared to see Tegan with her, especially since I haven’t forgotten about that dream last night. I still haven’t been able to decipher my feelings and they just weren’t going away. It didn’t feel good seeing them hand in hand together, either. It gave me this sick feeling in my stomach. I felt disgusted with myself over what I did this morning in the shower and that I convinced myself doing it would rid my thoughts of last night.

Despite much energy I mustered to think of something else, my thoughts always went back to her.

Five minutes passed and I was still sitting on my bed in thought. I figured I might as well start packing because Tegan wasn’t coming back any time soon. Keeping my hands busy and focusing on something else might help take my mind off of this. And perhaps keep me from doing something stupid again.

I stretched my arms up over my head and clasped my hands together as I began to fully awaken from my long nap. I started thinking about how I hope I would be able to sleep tonight. Especially after that nap, I didn’t know if I would be able to get to sleep. I reached my legs out of bed and onto the floor, slowly moving out of bed. On the bright side, I  _was_  able to sleep off my hangover. I felt much better physically.

Mentally, however, is a different story.

I got my suitcase out from my closet and neatly rolled up my clothes into it. Button-ups, jeans, pajamas, stage outfits, bras, panties. I packed a ton of books from my collection that I haven’t had a chance to read yet, lots of DVDs and my notebook for sketching.

Packing couldn’t take my mind off of something so big. I started thinking of how much time we’d be spending together on tour. We’d have so much time alone that I’m not sure I’d know how to act around her. Going downstairs this morning was terrifying enough. Tegan took my hangover as an excuse for the way I was acting today, but I wouldn’t be able to use that as an excuse every day.

I put some music on, hoping it would help clear my mind.

I thought back to Tegan and I watching Hotel New Hampshire together after breakfast. Did I fall asleep on her like that, with my head on her chest and my arms wrapped so tightly around her? Is that something that sisters do?

Oh God of course not. How does she not think I’m a weirdo?

Forget about what Tegan was thinking, what was  _I_ thinking? Why did I cuddle up next to her like that? Why did she let me? It must have been because she thought I was delirious and just needed someone to hold on to. We must have been sleeping for at least six hours, too.

I took a second to think about it.

I felt so safe sleeping next to her; I could have stayed like that with Tegan forever. It would have been longer if Lindsey didn’t bang on the door and show up unannounced like that.

I remembered Tegan’s familiar smell of cologne while she was lying next to me. Her minty breath against my face. The way her soft curls tickled my cheek. Her warmth as she held my body against hers. I couldn’t hide it from myself any longer. I had to admit it.

My heart pounded in my chest when I was next to her. My stomach was in knots and I was nervous.

I had butterflies.

I had them just thinking about her, holding me like she did when we were lying together.

I couldn’t bear to say it.

Three hours passed. I managed to finish packing, but I couldn’t shake the thoughts in my head. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, brush my teeth and get ready for bed. As I went back to my room, I put on my pajamas and saw my journal packed away in my suitcase. I had to write and get my feelings out. I brought it to my bed and poured everything out from my heart and mind, hoping I would calm down.

As I was writing my thoughts, I became more conscious of the fact that the feelings I had with Tegan were similar to the feelings I had associated with love. Butterflies, comfort, lust. It was all coming together and I didn’t want to admit it.

I think I’m  _in_   _love_  with Tegan.

I set my journal down. The butterflies I felt faded away and turned into sadness. I wasn’t happy with myself right now. I ruined my relationship with my sister. I would have to live with this secret for the rest of my life or learn to forget about it. And clearly my mind isn’t letting go of this. I wish I never had that dream or those thoughts and that I could go back to last week when everything was normal.

When I was happy.

The sleep mode on my stereo turned my music off. I sat in silence in shame and sadness. I turned my lights out and rested my head on my pillow. I tore myself from my thoughts as I heard something faint and slightly out of earshot. It was Tegan, but I couldn’t tell what she saying or what was going on.

It almost sounded like she was crying.

I heard a slap followed by Tegan’s cries again. For a split second I thought they were having a fight. Immediately as Tegan’s screams became louder I could hear the euphoria in her voice. I knew what was going on.

My heart shattered into a million pieces.

Tears streamed down my emotionless face.

I didn’t want anyone to please Tegan but me. I wanted her. I wanted everything.

I want to be the one who puts a smile on her face and makes her laugh in a way that only a lover could. I want to be the one whose name she screams and makes her body shake when she was about to come. I want to be the one that she wakes up to every morning and goes to sleep with every night. I want to be the one who holds her when she’s crying and thinks nothing is going to be okay, but tells her it will be anyway.

But I’m her sister.

I would never be the one. I’ve said it to myself a million times but I needed to hear it a million more and learn acceptance. Acceptance on the facts that I loved her and that I would never be with her.

Tegan’s loud whimpers and moans of pleasure were mixed in with my silent cries. I slipped off my pajama bottoms and did tonight what I was ashamed of this morning. This time it didn’t feel good.

It felt empty.

My fingers met my thighs as I tortured myself listening to Tegan coming closer to her peak. I guided them to my centre, exposing myself to my fingers as I tried to convert my pain to pleasure. I heard Lindsey slap Tegan again and I winced in displeasure as I heard Tegan let out another shriek.

Tegan was close.

I listened to her uncontrollable yells of telling Lindsey how good she made her feel while I continued to torment myself with my touch. I imagined that my fingers were Tegan’s and her pleasure was from mine.

But they were from Lindsey. Not me.

I heard Tegan scream in ecstasy as my body began to spasm. I let out a heartbroken, ached whimper as my sister rode out her orgasm from another woman.

I touched myself for the second time that day. Not at the thought of my sister, but this time while eavesdropping on her having sex with her lover. With tears streaming down my face, body weary and shaking, I cried myself to sleep that night.


	5. Verona

**Tegan**

My alarm woke me. It was four thirty in the morning, but was well-slept. I fell asleep after Lindsey making me come so many times that I lost count. It was some of the roughest sex I’ve ever had. She pulled my hair, spanked me and made me talk dirty to her and in return, she went down on me for more than an hour and gave me multiple orgasms. The last thing I remember before hitting my pillow was trying to resist screaming at the top of my lungs when she gave me my last orgasm.

I hope Sara was sleeping by then.

I was still arching my back and straightening out my ankles from last night. I looked over beside me and Lindsey was gone. My heart sank as I realized that she didn’t stay the night. She left a note on my pillow.

_Hi love,_

_By the time you read this, it’ll be morning and you’ll be getting ready to leave for your flight. I hope you have a great time there with Sara. I could tell she wasn’t too keen on me stealing you from her plans with you last night, so I figured I would give you two the morning without me. I have to be home in the morning anyways. I hope you enjoyed last night, babe. I’m sure Sara could tell you did. Ha! Tell her sorry._

_xo,_

_Lindsey_

I crumpled it up and put the note in the pocket of my pants that I was going to be wearing later on today. I was embarrassed. Lindsey was right, how could Sara  _not_ have heard that? Oh my God she is going to hate me. And why Lindsey left right after fucking me I had no idea. I mean, she could have just left in the morning. That’s what she usually does; I’m not going to overthink it though. I’m sure everything is fine or else she would have told me.

I continued to stretch my body out from last night, still feeling tingly and a little sore now. I’m not used to it being that rough. We’ve been together so long that sex had typically been pretty, well, boring lately. I took a quick shower and put on some clean clothes and went over to Sara’s room to see if she was awake yet.

I left the lights off as I walked toward Sara, sleeping in her bed. The moonlight shone through her blinds enough for me to make my way around the room. I noticed her journal hadn’t been packed away yet and it was on her night table with a pen. She must have been writing in it last night, she does that a lot. If she’s not reading, she’s writing. Such a bookworm my sister is.

I looked at her sleeping face and noticed her eyes looked a little bloodshot and like she had been crying. Maybe she was having a bad dream or maybe her tears were from last night. I wonder if her and Stacy are okay, maybe they were talking on the phone last night loud enough not to hear me last night. Oh I sure hope so. Then maybe she wouldn’t have heard anything.

I gently tapped her shoulder in attempt to wake her up. “Hey, Sara. We have to get up now and get ready to go to the airport,” I whispered, trying not to cause a rude awakening. Especially since I might have last night.

Sara acknowledged my voice and was startled when she looked at me. I gently brushed her shoulder again to assure her it was just me.

“Oh. Hi. Sorry Tee…you scared me. I thought I was having another,” Sara paused as she started to wake up, “I thought I was having a dream.”

“Are you excited?!” I shrieked, not able to contain myself that the day has come that we start traveling and touring again.

Sara nodded and smiled at me as she wiped away damp tears around her puffy eyes, trying to hide them from me. And obviously something else. Her smile still looked broken to me and I felt like she was putting up a façade. I knew it wasn’t just her hangover. I knew it. There must be something else bothering her, but I can’t seem to figure out what it could be. I guess I’ll have to wait for her to tell me on her own. She never tells me on her own when something bothers her. I would always have to pry it out of her and ask questions. Kind of like twenty questions, but the game didn’t end until I asked the right ones. And then she would finally inform me as to what was bothering her if I managed to guess right.

“Meet me downstairs. I’ll let you get ready and I’ll make us some breakfast,” I said to Sara.

I decided to make Sara her favourite breakfast. I want to figure out what’s going on by the end of today. I don’t want the whole tour to be ruined for her because of this stupid thing bothering her. We’d have the hotel to ourselves for the night and the guys won’t be there until tomorrow night. She met me downstairs in a matter of twenty minutes, just as I finished brewing the coffee.

“Morning, Sara. I made your favourite—pancakes. I brewed you some coffee too,” I smiled as I put her plate on the table.

“Thank you, Tegan.” Sara doesn’t normally say my name like that unless she’s being serious. It almost made me laugh. She did look at me though as opposed to yesterday’s breakfast with mom. Sara looked as if she were studying my face through the corner of my eye as we ate. Not much conversation went on, just some small talk about how excited we were for today and starting the tour. I figured if I was going to have a serious talk with her I would wait until we get to the hotel. Flying tends to stress Sara out, so I figured it wasn’t the best to ask now or during the flight.

We cleaned up our plates and I called for a cab. Sara and I carried our luggage down and waited by the front door.

**Sara**

By the time we arrived in Verona, it was seven o’clock and the sun was starting to set. Tegan and I picked up our luggage at the terminal and walked over to our hotel. It was a ten-minute walk from here. I couldn’t help but think of Tegan in an amorous way, walking down the strip in a country like Italy. The warm summer breeze beside with the sunset, the violinist playing beautiful music across the street and the sweetest-sounding birds were all so stunning and surreal to me. I felt the same butterflies that I felt yesterday as I wrote about her in my journal, except this time they didn’t diminish into pain and emptiness.

I barely said a word all day. I could tell Tegan had given up on striking up a conversation with me. I felt partly awkward not knowing what to do with myself while I was with her, but there was a bigger part of me that felt such a lustful fixation over her. She was wearing her favourite pair of blue sunglasses with my favourite leather jacket and rolled-up the sleeves so I could see her tattoos. Occasionally I glanced up at Tegan to watch her hair being tossed around in the wind as she fiddled with her labret as she moved it with her tongue. I was captivated with her laughter and curious face as she submersed herself in all her surroundings. Being the hopeless romantic of the two of us. I could tell she was loving it.

She almost had me breathless.

She knew something wasn’t right with me, though. I could feel it. And I knew she was going to ask me sooner or later, perhaps even tonight before the guys arrive tomorrow. Just the thought of Tegan asking me what’s wrong turned my butterflies into uncontrollable nervousness in my lungs. I had to think of a story fast, because she loves to constantly ask me until she gets some answers.

The hotel was the most striking and elegant I have ever seen. It was clearly an older hotel but the inside was quite modern and high class. I couldn’t believe we were going to be staying here. Just the two of us. The unrealistic and naïve thoughts that ran through my mind had me licking my lips and my heart racing.

Tegan checked us in and handed me my key for the room. We got onto the elevator to get to our room, which was on the twenty-ninth floor. The top one. The view from the room I could tell was going to be jaw dropping. The bellhop showed us our way to our room down the hallways once we stopped at the top floor.

I slid my key in and opened the door.

“Wow,” I gasped in awe, stopping as I walked halfway into the room and looked at Tegan, “Tee, this is beautiful.”

Tegan saw me light up at the sights of the room and our view and smiled at me. I looked out of our window, which was technically a glass covering the entire wall, and I could see the Ponte Pietra. It was one of the most picturesque bridges I had ever seen, but it looked even more beautiful at night and over the sunset. And it felt whimsical to be looking at it next to Tegan. I continued to look around the room and loved every inch of it.

My mind shifted to visualizing all of the different pieces of furniture that Tegan could make love to me on. Once on each queen bed, on the couch overlooking the view, on the kitchen countertop, on the desk by the fireplace. Heck, the floor didn’t seem like a bad idea, either. I began to wonder if Tegan knew what I was thinking and grew somewhat nervous and awkward. I stumbled into the bathroom to see what else the room had when something caught my eye around the corner of the bedroom.

“Oh fuck, the hot tub.” I totally just said that out loud.

“What, Sare? I didn’t know you liked hot tubs.”

“Huh? Oh yeah, God I love ‘em.” I am so fucking stupid.

Okay I don’t think she knew what I was talking about. I can be so stupid sometimes. The bathroom was gorgeous, too. Aside from the hot tub in the bedroom, there was also a shower in the bathroom. My dirty thoughts continued to pour in as I imagined Tegan watching me as I touched myself to her in the shower the other morning.

I walked back out into the room to see Tegan unpacking her clothes and stuffing them into drawers. I figured I would do the same so that we could enjoy the evening and do something fun. When Tegan was finished she sat on the bed and waited for me to unpack the rest of my suitcase. Her looking at me while she sat on the bed began to make my heart race.

“Sara?” Tegan spoke my name so gently I could just hear her over my rustling of clothes and slamming of drawers. She’s gonna do it. I’m not ready for this. My heart stopped as I stopped what I was doing and quickly looked over my shoulder at her and then continued my unpacking, signaling her to continue. I didn’t want to look at her longer than a second.

“Are you gonna tell me what’s bothering you?” Tegan questioned cautiously.

_No._

“Bothering me, what are you talking about?” I was a terrible liar, punching myself internally for the awkward tone I just used, making it crystal clear now that there was something wrong.

“Come on, Sare. Don’t make me play twenty questions with you. You’ve been quiet all day and yesterday. There’s something on your mind and I know it.”

_I just realized I’m in love with you, that’s all._

“Tee, it’s nothing,” I continued unpacking my clothes, trying to think of a lie I could tell her.

“Okay, so I’m gonna have to guess, aren’t I?”

_You’ll never guess what it is._

“Tee, there is  _nothing_  wrong!” I shouted as I glanced up at her, throwing my folded clothing from my grasp.

“Come here, Sara,” she ordered, stern, gesturing to sit next to her on the queen-sized bed. “Come here. Look me in the eyes and tell me there is absolutely  _nothing_  wrong.”

I paced over and sat on the bed next to her. I haven’t looked at her straight in the eyes since I had the sexual fantasy about her. I swallowed my nerves and took a deep breath and licked my chapped lips so I could form the proper sentence that she demanded me to say. I looked up into her serious, concerned face and into her dark brown depths. She looked breathtakingly beautiful. I almost choked on my words as I began to speak. I felt tongue-tied.

“Tegan, there is absolutely nothing wrong,” I attempted my most serious tone, begging myself not to let out a tremble in my voice.

“Alright. We’re playing twenty questions.”


	6. Lies

**Sara**

Fuck, she knows.

“Okay, Sara. Answer me truthfully, okay?” Tegan ordered, looking up into my face, which was still and serious, petrified and breathless at this point.

“Tegan…”

Tegan cut me off. “Sara, I’m not fucking stupid. I’ve also been your sister for over thirty years. When something’s wrong, I’ll know—like it or not. And you’re not ruining our tour over something that is probably so stupid.”

_Oh, yeah, Tegan. The fact that I just thought about fucking your brains out on every piece of furniture in this room—probably not a big deal at all._

She studied my face as I swallowed again, took a deep breath, closing my eyes tight and clenching my fists. This was happening. I was a terrible liar and this  _is_ happening.

“Question one, Sara.”

I breathed out, opening my eyes to look at Tegan.

Tegan continued, “are you still mad at me for what I did to you the night we were drinking?”

_The night we were drinking. Was she talking about my dream?_

“What?” I asked, looking around the room, catching me off guard.

“That I let you get really wasted that night and laughed about it the next day. Don’t forget I took care of you, too,” Tegan answered as she reassured herself.

“Oh…no.”

“Okay, how about when Lindsey came to surprise me last night. She said you didn’t seem happy that she was here. I know you weren’t. Is that it?” She was getting closer. Okay Sara, keep it together. Let her ask you something else and just lie. Don’t let her know about your jealousy toward Lindsey.

“No.” I shot back.

“Okay, well you were upset that she came, weren’t you?” Tegan probed again.

“Umm,” I stuttered, “well I…guess I wanted to spend time with you. I didn’t expect Lindsey to show up like that.”

Tegan stared at me, insisting me to continue.

“Well, I guess that was sort of…rude. I was sick, Tegan!” She continued to look at me, “I thought you were going to help me pack.”

“I know, and I really  _am_  sorry. But that’s not it, is it?”

I stared at Tegan, reluctantly shaking my head as I closed my eyes.

“Did you...did you  _hear_  anything last night?” Tegan feared to ask the question that I feared to answer.

“What do you mean did I hear anything?” I questioned back, trying to sound stupid.

“Lindsey left last night and left me a note,” Tegan paused, “…she thinks you heard us having…sex.”

Tegan said the last word with guilt and shame on her face. I didn’t know what to say. I was sad to hear her admit she was having sex last night, even though I knew she was. I didn’t want to answer her question. How could anyone  _not_ have heard that? I’d be stupid to say I didn’t, but I really don’t want to say I heard her. Especially thinking back to what I did.

“Oh yeah…that. Um, I guess I did hear you. It was kind of hard not to, to be honest. You were pretty loud,” I retorted, not really wanting to answer the question and really not knowing how to respond.

A look of embarrassment crept onto Tegan’s face.  
“It’s okay, Tee. I’m sure you’ve heard things that I’ve done that you didn’t want to hear.”

Tegan laughed, “No I haven’t actually,” she paused again, “so is that why you’ve been quiet, Sara?”

I looked at Tegan again, not saying anything.

Tegan stared at me, thinking of the next question to ask. She took my lack of speaking as an indication that it wasn’t her and Lindsey that was bothering me. She searched into my eyes trying to find an answer. She continued her pause as what seemed like her searching into my soul.

“Sara…are you and Stacy okay?” Tegan interrogated.

Oh God, Stacy.

I hadn’t even thought about her after realizing I had these fucked up feelings for Tegan. These disgusting thoughts for my sister—I’m a horrible person. She loves me so much and I would never want to hurt her, but I already have. I’m emotionally cheating on her and I would physically if the opportunity aroused. Yeah, right. Tegan falling in love with me and wanting to fuck me—that would never happen. Not in a million years. That only happens in my wildest and most unrealistic dreams, apparently. I couldn’t help myself, but to think of how I betrayed Stacy and burst into tears.

Tegan watched me break down beside her.

“Sara, is everything okay?”

I tried to hold in my sobs. “No, nothing’s okay,” I lied.

“I’m so sorry, Sara. I didn’t know.” Tegan held my hand, bringing me into her embrace, “Do you want to talk about it?”

I’m a terrible person. Before I knew it, more lies poured out as I spoke and I couldn’t stop myself. “She’s not sure about us anymore. He ex-fiancé wants her back and she’s questioning her sexuality. She wants him back, too, and doesn’t know if she loves me anymore. She slept with him and she told me she loves him,” I continued to burst out my sobs.

_Where the fuck was this coming from?_

Tegan didn’t say anything, but spoke with her actions as she cradled me further into her chest as I continued to bawl uncontrollably for reasons unknown to her. I noticed her forcefully biting on her lip out of the corner of my eye, like she had no idea what to say to me to make the pain go away.

“It’s going to be okay, Sara. I promise,” Tegan brushed my hair back and looked into my eyes as she tried to relax me.

“How do you know, Tegan? You can’t say that, you’re  _happy_!” I yelled, pressing my fists into her chest.

Tegan caressed my cheek as she held me, “Because I know, Sara. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. I promise.”

Tegan and I looked at each other long and hard. I noticed she had tears in her eyes as one dropped onto my cheek. She really does care about me and she really does love me. I know she wasn’t talking about my issues with her but what she said seemed to give me some sort of piece of mind. She wiped my tears from my eyes with her thumb from the hand she held my face with.

“Hey, Tee. I think I need some fresh air. I’m going to go for a walk down by the beach.”

“Do you want me to come?” Tegan questioned as she let go of my shaking body.

“No, don’t wait up for me. I don’t know when I’ll be back, I just need to be alone.”


	7. Disclosure

**Tegan**

Sara slammed the hotel door on the way out as tears continued to stream down her face, leaving me to complete silence with myself. I couldn’t help but feel so guilty. Sara didn’t want my help and I felt absolutely useless as her sister. I had no idea that Stacy was doing that to her. I feel terrible for cornering Sara and forcing her to tell me something that wasn’t any of my business. She didn’t want to tell me either. I had no idea how to make it better.

I lied in the huge bed, thinking that I should have chased after Sara instead of leaving her to wander all alone in Italy. I heard a vibration coming from my computer bag. I got up to check my phone and I saw that it was from Stacy. I answered the call and listened for the other end. I didn’t really want to have a conversation with her right now, especially with what Sara had just told me about their relationship.

“Hello? Tegan? Are you there?” Stacy sounded anxious.

“Hey, Stacy,” I responded in a monotone.

“How are you? Did you and Sara get to Italy okay?” She continued with questions.

“Yep, we’re here okay.”

“I’m calling because I’m worried about Sara. She never responded to my messages. Is she okay, Tegan?” Stacy went on, with nothing but worry in her tone.

“She’s fine,” I barely responded.

“Tegan…why are you being so short?”

“Sara told me everything, I think it’s obvious why she hasn’t contacted you,” I lashed out.

“What’s obvious, Tegan?” Stacy had no idea what I was talking about.

“Sara told me about your ex-fiancé, Stacy. How could you do that to my sister? She doesn’t deserve that! She loved you!”

“Tegan, what are you talking about?” I felt insecure that Stacy may have been legitimately unaware as to what I was saying.

“What do you mean, Stacy? You’re thinking of leaving Sara for your ex-fiancé. What else do you want me to explain? You clearly aren’t in love with Sara anymore and you’re questioning your sexuality. You cheated on her for God’s sake, why are you still even holding on to her?” I continued to yell at her even though I began to feel slightly uncomfortable.

Stacy paused. “Tegan, who told you that?”

“Um, Sara. She was crying her eyes out today over you.”

“What? Tegan, I love Sara. I don’t have an ex-fiancé. I love her so much. I have no idea what’s going on. She really told you that?”

“Um…yeah,” Okay, I felt really uncomfortable.

“Why would she say that?” I heard a crack in Stacy’s voice.

“I—I don’t know. Stacy I’m so sorry. I didn’t think Sara would lie to me. How do I know you’re not lying?”

Stacy was crying now, “Tegan, I don’t know why she would say that. We love each other so much and we are so happy together. I  _thought_  we were happy together.”

I felt so stupid. “Stacy, look, I am  _so_ sorry. I must have made a mistake.”

“But Sara told you that, didn’t she?”

“Yeah she did. She was really quiet the last two days since she saw you so I asked her what was wrong. And that’s what she told me.”

_Maybe she said that to cover up something else._

Stacy continued to cry. “It’s probably a misunderstanding, she just went out for a walk by the beach, I’m going to see if I can go find her. Everything is going to be fine, Stacy.”

_I needed to stop promising people that._

“Okay,” Stacy tried to speak through her sobs. There was too much crying today. I had no idea what to do.

“Bye Stace, I am  _so_ sorry. I believe you.”

“It’s okay. Bye Tegan.”

I ended the call with Stacy, confused as to what just happened. I thought about the two sides of the story and nothing was adding up. I held onto my phone as I dialed for Sara. Her phone started vibrating on the night table. She didn’t take it with her.

_How was I supposed to find her?_

I picked up her phone, slid the unlock key and searched it. I felt terrible but she clearly lied to me and there was something else that was bothering her that she didn’t want to tell me about. I went onto her Twitter, Google searches, photos, text messages and Instagram. Nothing strange. I looked onto her Tumblr and felt a little bit uncomfortable.

She was looking at a quincest tag.

Okay, I was taken aback just a bit. I tried not to think anything of it, thinking nothing of that having to do with why she has been so quiet. I looked around the room to see if she had left anything else that could give me clues as to what the hell is going on. I noticed she hadn’t finished unpacking yet since I made her come sit with me. I saw a bunch of books sitting out on her suitcase, along with her journal.

Her journal.

Something wasn’t right with Sara. I had to read it.

I opened the pages to the last few entries. Bingo. She wrote in it last night.

_I don’t know if I can bottle this up for any longer. I don’t know what to do. Last night I had a fucked up dream and it’s been corrupting my mind and all of my thoughts ever since. It was about Tegan, my twin. I couldn’t control it but it felt so wrong. There was a part of me, though, that liked it. As much as I want to deny it, a big part of me liked it. I feel disgusted with myself. I can’t believe I just wrote those words._

_I was really drunk last night and that may have had something to do with it. Tegan walked me home and I remember falling asleep as soon as she brought me into my room. This is the part that wasn’t real, but it felt so real. The fucked up part is that I wished it were real. It was definitely a dream though. Tegan would never do this to me._

_I woke up to her, staring at me, wearing nothing but a strap-on. She didn’t say a word until she told me she wanted to make love to me. I told her I just wanted her to fuck me and she started caressing my whole body. I remember dreaming about her. I liked her touching me and I couldn’t stop it. She tied up my wrists and threatened to spank me if I didn’t tell her I liked it fucking my sister. I woke up just before she made me cum._

_I feel so dirty. I don’t know how to act around her. I was so mortified that I woke up mouthing the dialogue from my dream and thighs soaking wet from the thought of my identical twin sister touching me. I leveled with myself that if I finished my orgasm I would forget about it. But I just made it worse and kept thinking about her when I fucked myself to her in the shower._

_I can’t live with myself. I am so fucked up. What is wrong with me? Everything. She spent the whole day taking care of me; I fell asleep cuddling into her arms and she must have thought I was a fucking weirdo. I felt so safe and comfortable and I had butterflies. The butterflies terrified me. I don’t know why but I couldn’t stop that feeling. It felt so right with her._

_She just left me because her girlfriend came to surprise her. I don’t know why but I feel weirdly jealous of her. I can hear her fucking Tegan and my heart feels numb. I want to touch myself because this is the only time I’ll ever hear the girl from my dreams scream like this. I still feel weird admitting to myself that I enjoyed her touch in my dream. I sort of wish it weren’t a dream. I wish she could actually love me. I want to pretend that I’m the one making her feel as good as she does. It would never be me, though._

_\--_

_I touched myself for the second time today, thinking about my twin sister. I still have butterflies when I think of her face, her laughter, her eyes, her smile. Her everything. I am in tears as I write this, not wanting to confess this to myself or write it in words. But I have to say it. I’m in love with her. I love her. I am in love with her. No matter what way I say it, it’s wrong._

_I want to be everything for her. But I’m her sister. And it hurts so badly._

“Oh, Sara.”

I was stunned; I saw teardrops on her entries and my tears dropped onto them, too. I closed her journal, in disbelief of what I just read. My heart racing and I had no idea what to think. I violated her privacy; I read something she never thought I was going to see. She lied to me about Stacy and I just brought Stacy into her pool of lies. She is already humiliated and I just did that to her. Stacy is going to confront her and that was my entire fault.

I went back to her phone to investigate the quincest tag. It makes sense why she was looking at it now. I never actually looked at these since I never ran any of our social media accounts. That was Sara’s job. We were also pretty offended by incest; at least I thought Sara was, too. I saw some drawings that made me feel a little bit uncomfortable and some very realistic manipulations of us kissing and having sex.

I stumbled along a post with a bunch of gifs. The post started with a gif with how I look at Lindsey and then how I look at Sara. I looked way more romantically at Sara. “Do I really look at her like that?” I said to myself, being alone in the room. The post had so many more photos of the way I looked at Sara. I never noticed, but I look at her with so much passion in my eyes.

What the hell was I doing? I’m looking at a stupid tag while my sister is out on the beach, bawling her eyes out over this?

I have to go get her.


	8. Illusions

**Tegan**

I grabbed Sara’s leather jacket that I was wearing earlier today, stumbled into my flip-flops and snatched my wallet, phone and hotel key from the desk. I ran out the door as fast as I could and heard it thud behind me. I raced over to the elevator and waited impatiently for it to come to the top floor.

It took what felt like forever for the elevator doors to open. I slammed the button for the main floor and I watched the doors shut painfully slow. My heart was racing and thumping out of my chest. I couldn’t handle waiting. The doors opened as the elevator was almost halfway to the lobby. There were still twenty floors left to go. A handsome man, probably around my age, stepped in through the doors and beamed at me.

“Hey, it’s you again!” The stranger smiled as he pressed the button to shut the elevator doors.

I looked at his unfamiliar face and lingered. I didn’t recognize him at all; I’ve never met this man before. And then it clicked.

“Oh! You must have met my twin sister. I’m looking for her. Have you seen her?” I interrogated the stranger. He could feel my urgency that I was failing to hide.

“Oh, you’re her twin! I’m sorry, that’s my bad. Yes I was just at the beach and saw her there. She was about the only person there; doesn’t she know it’s dangerous to be out there at this time?”

“Did you talk to her?”

“Kind of. I noticed her sit down next to me just as I was leaving and noticed her crying. I asked her if she was okay and if she needed anything,” he responded.

I didn’t say anything. He could sense my worry as I stared at him and waited for him to continue.

“Do you want me to show you where she is?” He offered.

“Okay.” Thank God, I had absolutely no idea where the beach was or how far it was from here or even that there  _was_ a beach. I wouldn’t have been able to find Sara wandering in this foreign city, especially at night.

The elevator doors opened to the lobby. The stranger gestured for me to go first. The hotel was packed full of people that it was difficult to make my way through. People must be just checking in at this time or something.

“So…what were you doing at the beach so late—” I paused, not remembering if he had told me his name yet.

“Colin,” he introduced himself and held out his hand.

“Oh. Nice to meet you—Tegan,” I reached for his hand as I gave him my name. I tried to force out a smile, but it ended up looking pretty uncomfortable since all I could think about was Sara.

He pulled out a small blue box out from his pocket and opened it to me, revealing the most gorgeous diamond ring I have ever seen.

“Wow, that’s beautiful. I’d say yes to that proposal in a heartbeat,” I joked, sounding a little more serious than planned.

“Thanks, that’s good to hear,” Colin laughed, “I just went there to think about how I’m going to propose to her.”

“Congratulations, she’s a lucky girl,” I smiled, “How long have you been with your girlfriend?”

“You are going to judge me and that’s cool because I know it’s a little crazy. We’ve been dating for only two weeks. She’s the one though. I know it’s a little spontaneous, but when in Rome—or I guess Verona, right?”

“Ha! That’s so sweet, I’m really excited for you.”

Colin opened the doors to the outside as we walked for a few minutes down the strip to get to the beach. It was busy in the hotel, but almost desolate out here. It was getting windy, but the summer night breeze still felt warm on my skin. We carried out a good conversation and bonded over shared interests as we walked. He could tell I was becoming uneasy.

“Is everything okay, I mean, with your sister?” Colin asked with a concerned look on his face.

“I don’t know,” I responded as my face fell.

“Do you know what’s wrong?”

“I do. I can’t really say, though. I’ve humiliated her enough as it is today,” I explained.

“It’s okay, she’s going to be fine. I promise. She just needs her sister to help her get through whatever it is that she’s going through,” he comforted me and rubbed my back as he watched me shed a few tears that I held in since I left the room. I’ve heard too many broken promises today.

Colin had a point. Sara needed me right now. I just want to find her so I can wipe her tears and tell her everything really  _is_ going to be okay. I made that promise to her, and I would never break it. She is the world to me. I can’t imagine what is going through her mind right now or how humiliated she is going to be when I tell her I read her journal. Or when Stacy confronts her for lying to me.

This  _is_ fucked up, Sara wasn’t wrong there.

I felt the sand hit my toes and break me from my thoughts. “Is this far enough, Tegan? I have to go back to my hotel, my girlfriend is just checking in now. I saw her just a little bit further that way,” Colin said as he pointed over to the pier. I couldn’t really make out any people from this far, but I had to keep going and find Sara.

“Yeah, thanks Colin. I appreciate it.”  
“I hope you find her,” Colin said sincerely and hugged me goodbye.

I threw off my flip-flops and carried them in my hands as I ran across the beach. He said he saw her just under the pier when he was leaving. I could barely make out the pier in the distance but ran there as fast as I could. My heart proceeded to beat harder and harder out of my chest, my palms were sweaty and my whole body was shaking. All I could feel was the hot air hitting hard against my face as I struggled to run on the uneven ground.

I needed to find her.

There was the pier. I was almost there. I thought I heard a faint sob within earshot, but it was too hard to be sure over the loud roars of the ocean waves as they crashed into the sand. After ten minutes of running once Colin left me I finally got there. I used every last ounce of energy to keep going until I reached it. I caught my breath as I anxiously hiked to get under the pier by the shore. I could feel the water hitting my feet now as I trudged through the wet sand.

“Sara?” I yelled out through my tears in hopes of her hearing me and perhaps respond back.

I didn’t get a response.

It was really hard to see because of how dark it was out here. No street lights or anything. This was pretty dangerous to be out here in the middle of the night. I noticed a silhouette dressed in black sitting on the ground where the waves hit the sand.

It was Sara.

I yelled her name again as I forcefully sprinted toward her, tears mixing with the wind as it lashed against my face. She didn’t even flinch at the sound of her name. She was staring out into the black night sky and I could see her face was glossy from her tears as she held her head in both hands between her knees. I knelt down beside her as I reached out to hug her. Her cries grew loud and she turned away and rejected me.

“Sara! Why are you doing this?”

“Don’t look at me, Tegan!” Sara choked out through her sobs in a high-pitched shriek.

I threw my flip-flops onto the sand. I crept down and cupped Sara’s jaw with both hands. She turned her head to me as she fought back to resist my gaze. Sara noticed the tears on my face and eventually forfeited from pulling away. Her broken face was staring back up at mine, vulnerable and defenseless now.

I gripped Sara by the waist and wrapped her legs around mine so that she had her ankles crossed around me. She tried to fight back as I picked her up and carried her over to the pier. Her back thudded against the wall as I put her down and still had her legs clasped around my waist. My knees met the sand while I held her and tried my best to comfort her. I hugged my arms around her shaking body underneath her sweater.

“Tegan, please,” Sara trembled as her tears hit my face, “please stop!”

I wiped her tears from her eyes with my hand and held her face again, straining to fight from my embrace. I could feel her heartbeat as her chest rose and fell against mine; her hot breath hit my face repeatedly as she panted from battling to resist my affection.

“Sara, it’s okay. I promised you that. I’m here now,” I reassured her as I held her closer and she refused to let her guard down.

“You don’t know what you’re promising, Tee! You don’t want to touch me—I’m disgusting, I’m a terrible person, I’m a monster,” Sara cried as she tried to push me away.

“Please calm down, Sare. You’re not any of those things, I love you,” I grabbed her wrists from pulling away and held both of her hands together.

She continued to scream my name out from her whimpers and writhe in my arms. I stopped responding as I kept my grasp on her hands so that she couldn’t move and eventually calm down. She bowed her head down and onto my chest and her shuddering began to slow. The sounds of her cries were muffled into my jacket.

“Sara,” I said without any emotion as I stared into her deep brown, shattered depths.

I felt her body relax in my arms as she held her focus on my face, growing more serious and less troubled now. She licked her lips and rubbed them together. She bit her lower lip, waiting for me to say something.

I held onto her hands to keep her from breaking down again, “I know you lied to me about Stacy. Please don’t hate me—I still love you. I always will.” A look of worry stumbled onto her face. I could tell she was worried that I knew her secret. I stroked her hands with my thumbs as I held them, trying to keep her calm. She grew anxious waiting for me to speak again, “but I knew there was something seriously wrong and you weren’t going to tell me. So I looked through your phone...I saw what you were looking at on Tumblr.”

Sara looked mortified and her body tensed again. Pain shot through my spine as she clutched my hands out of embarrassment. I felt her heart race again against my chest.

“Sara…don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me. I read your journal. I know everything. I know why you’ve been acting like this.”

Her body shuddered again and she broke down, struggling to break free from my hold. She gave up. Sara grabbed my arms just below my elbows and bawled into the crevice between my shoulder and neck. I hugged my arms around her waist again so that they were underneath her sweater. My face was covered in her tears.

“Tegan,” Sara struggled, “I’m so fucked up, please don’t touch me.”

“Sara, it was just a dream.”

Sara yelled at me, “You read my journal, Tegan! I fell in love with you. You’re my  _sister._  That’s not supposed to happen. I  _touched_  myself to you. How is that not fucked up?”

Sara stared into my eyes, frightened, waiting for me to respond.

“Why’d you fall in love with me, Sara?”

She squeezed my arms again and struck her back against the wall, contemplating the question. She took in a much-needed deep breath.

“Because you’re beautiful,” Sara blushed, self-conscious that she just bared that, “I don’t know, I just did. You make me nervous, Tee.”

I put my hand under her shirt now, drawing small circles into the small of her back.

“I make you nervous?”

Sara looked breathless and nodded as she pursed her lips, closing her her eyes tight. I could feel her stumbling for words as her nerves pierced through her heartstrings.

“Mhm”, she whispered as she kept her eyes shut.

“Why are you nervous?”

Sara didn’t speak, she barely breathed. Her crying stopped but there were still tears on her face as proof of her sadness. I listened to the silence muted by the soft crashes of waves against the sand as I waited for Sara to finish her thoughts.

“Because I want you to kiss me,” Sara whispered as she slowly opened her eyes to look down to mine. She traced the ink on my forearms with her thumbs, petrified of what she had just admitted. Our faces were close enough already that I could feel her breath on me since I sat her down to straddle me.

I took one of my hands off from her waist and traced her collarbone up to her neck. I could definitely sense her nerves as she took in a deep breath and forgot to exhale. She had her gaze focused on my mouth and was too shy to look me in the eyes.

I stroked her jaw, “don’t be nervous, Sare.”

Sara swallowed and closed her eyes. She didn’t speak.

I caressed her lower lip with my thumb, “open your mouth, Sare. It’s okay, I promise. Just relax.”

I pulled her closer with the hand that was on her waist and she thrust her shaking hips closer into mine. She opened her eyes for a second and closed them once she noticed me looking into them. She let out a shy moan as she parted her lips against my thumb. She thrust again when I pressed her back harder against the wall of the pier.

“Kiss me, Tee,” Sara choked out, hesitantly.

Our bodies pressed closer together as Sara dug her nails into my leather jacket and impatiently pulled my hair as her body tensed up again. I held her face with my hand, listening to our hearts beat against one another. She had waited long enough.

I had waited long enough.

I pressed my mouth against hers. Her body jerked back against the wall again as she rustled her hands through my hair. I could tell she was still nervous but she liked it. Her mouth was trembling as she pressed her warm lips into mine. Her kiss was delicate and soft, just like her. Despite her nerves, I could tell she felt safe.

We were safe.

I sucked her lower lip into my mouth and she let out another whimper. My arms found the underneath of her shirt again; this time I massaged her ribs as I held her body up against the wall. I didn’t want this to go much further than it was going. I pulled my hands out from her warm body and put her hands on my neck.

“Let’s go back to the room, Sare.”


	9. Ardor

**Tegan**

I had Sara pressed up against the hotel room door in the outside hallway as she straddled her legs around me. It was midnight. I didn’t want my banging her up against the door to wake anyone. It was pretty private up at the top floor, but God forbid someone were to pass by in the hall and see us. I held her body up by gripping her hips, feeling the warmth shooting up in her core. I could feel that she was wet through her leggings against my stomach since my shirt started riding up. She wanted to go further tonight. As much as I wanted to as well, we weren’t ready for that. I had to resist her.

She detached her lips from mine and trailed kisses down to my neck. I knew where this was going and she was almost impossible to resist. It’s like she was literally drunk on ardor as I listened to her infatuated giggles while she began to whisper dirty requisitions in my ear. Sara clearly wasn’t nervous anymore. Her tension was covered up by how blissful she felt in this moment.

I had to put her down before I gave into her persuasion and indiscrete requests. I kept her up against the door with my left hand and the pressure from my body as I searched into my pocket with my right to grab the hotel room key. I was too flustered to think of letting Sara down from being up against the door as I opened it and stumbled into the room with her.

“Tegan!” Sara shrieked as she tightened her grip around my waist and hugged my neck, “don’t let go of me!”

I looked up into her eyes and laughed as I set her down on the desk. The fireplace lit and the lights dimmed. The shade was open, revealing the most scenic view of Verona along with vivid moonlight. She gave me the most passionate smile I had ever seen; she was finally happy. I didn’t know it, but I could feel myself looking back at her with the same amount of adoration. She looked at me in the same way that I looked at her in those pictures she was looking at. How did I not realize this earlier?

“I romanticized about us on this desk,” Sara broke the silence as she fiddled with the zipper on my leather jacket. I didn’t want to respond, in panic of making this progress any further. She looked at me with lust in her eyes and a depraved smile, “that you made love to me for the first time on it.”

“Yeah?” My voice cracked, this wasn’t going to be good.

“Yeah,” she whispered my words as she continued to unzip my leather jacket and remove it one arm at a time, “I want you to make love to me, Tee.”

I lifted her hips and adjusted her further up onto the desk so that she was more comfortable. I fumbled to take off her sweater over her head with my shaking hands. I ruined her smoothed, swept hair when I pulled her sweater off and threw it on the floor next to her suitcase. Sara had a sheer white tank top on and I couldn’t help but gawk through the fabric at her red, laced bra.

This was the point of no return.

Sara lifted my face with her finger so that my gaze was away from her chest. She drew her hand away as she fidgeted with the clasp between her shoulder blades and pulled off the lace from underneath her sheer, white camisole. “Is this what you were looking at, Tee?” She teased as she placed the lingerie in my hands.

Fuck. I was wrong.  _This_ was the point of no return.

I set her bra on the desk and she caressed my hands. She knew where I wanted to put them. I could see her breasts perfectly through her shirt; Sara was so good at teasing me like this. I was so turned on right now and I thought back to how wet she was as she pressed her body against mine in the hallway. I could tell Sara felt the same desire as I did because I could see her nipples hard through her shirt.

She maintained a firm grasp on my hands as she started kissing my neck and flicking small circles with her tongue. I was getting really hot and bothered by her. I was torn between wanting to feel every inch of her body with my mouth and wanting to stop her from going any further in the mindset that it was probably best to talk about this first.

She took my wrists and guided my hands to her ribs to hold her. She left them to linger as she touched herself where I was dying to touch her most. She was still kissing my neck, making it difficult to see what she was doing with her hands. Just before she pressed her mouth back against mine she squeezed her nipples between her thumb and middle fingers and I was just able to see. She let out a small cry without breaking the kiss as she continued to touch herself.

That was so fucking hot.

“You want to touch me here, don’t you?” Sara tormented as she released her lips from mine and continued to touch herself.

“You’re such a tease, Sara.”

“I’m not a tease if I let you,” Sara smiled playfully as she took my hands to her breasts, still overtop of her shirt.

Sara watched as she tortured me, seeing in my face that I was hesitant to go further. She felt so good and it was becoming more difficult to resist by the second. I noticed her heart racing with my hands as I felt her. She must have still been nervous, contrary to what I had thought.

“Sara,” I breathed.

“Yeah, Tee?”

I mustered up the last bit of self-control that I had left in my body, “do you think we’re going too fast?”

Sara’s reaction spoke a million words; she became self-conscious.

“Do you not want to do this?” Sara asked with worry in her voice, putting a guard back up.

“No, no, not at all. I didn’t want you to think that. I’m sort of yelling at myself internally for opening my mouth and saying that. You look so sexy right now. You feel so fucking good,” I said as I squeezed her breasts, not realizing I still had my hands there.

“Do you love me, Tee?”

“That’s what I thought maybe we should talk about before we go any further.”

“Oh,” Sara looked embarrassed by my response and held her hands onto mine to take them off of her breasts.

“Sara of course I love you, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. I want to make sure we know how we feel about each other before we do something like this.”

Sara looked into my eyes, waiting for me to say something else.

“I want to make love to you, Sara. In case you didn’t realize that already. You don’t even know; there are so many things I want to do to you right now. As much as I wish I didn’t just ruin this moment, I know we need to talk about everything first. You had a lot of emotions going on today and I think we should wait a little longer until we’re…ready,” I finished, feeling like a little bitch because I just told her we had to discuss our feelings before having sex.

“What else do you want to do to me?” Sara questioned, actually curious and not teasing this time. Apparently that was all she heard me say while I was talking. She was looking to feel appreciated by me.

“Sara,” I laughed as I held her waist and picked her up from the desk, “that’s not the only thing that needs to be discussed right now. You just went from bawling your eyes out thinking we would never be together to seducing me to have sex with you in a matter of hours. Isn’t there anything else on your mind right now?”

“What if you don’t want to make love to me tomorrow?” Sara probed as she straddled her legs around me again with sincere concern in her eyes.

I laughed again as I set her down on the bed, wondering if we would ever have a serious talk with her wearing that see-through shirt. I kissed her passionately on the mouth before I responded to her question.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll still want to make love to you tomorrow,” I joked, “but I want to talk about this first. Make sure we’re on the same page, you know? This isn’t going to be easy. I know what’s on your mind and we’ll have plenty of time for that tomorrow; the guys don’t get in until after dinner.”

“Okay. I’m sorry for overreacting. I got scared that maybe you didn’t want me like I thought.”

I sat behind her on the huge bed and wrapped my arms around her stomach and opened my legs to lie on either side of her. “Let your guard down already, Sare,” I said as I held her tighter and kissed her cheek, “so tell me when this all started.”

“You read it all, Tee. What else do you want to know?”

“I want to hear it from you. “

“Okay, well it happened that night when we were drinking and saying goodbye to each other before our tour. That I had the…you know…dream about you,” I could sense her getting nervous again, “I think I remember you taking care of me and walking me home and to my room. You brought me a glass of water then you left and I fell asleep right away. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and you were there…well in my dream, but it felt so real. You were just standing there, looking really serious and staring at me. You were naked and…you were wearing a strap-on,” Sara paused as her nervousness heightened.

“Go on,” I laughed. She was nervous telling a story where I seduce her in a dream but didn’t think twice about seducing me just now.

“We were both naked. You started touching me and telling me I was beautiful and that you wanted to make love to me. I thought you were taunting me or something. But then you sat down in my bed and you asked if you could kiss me and…I said yes. I told you I didn’t want you to make love to me,” she swallowed before speaking again, “I told you that I wanted you to fuck me.” Sara looked tortured as I made her tell the dream from her perspective.

“Then you started…doing stuff to me and making me, you know, talk dirty to you while you continued to…do stuff to me,” Sara was still uneasy.

“That’s not a story! What kinda stuff was I doing to you? What did I make you say? How are you ever gonna make love to me if you can’t tell me a story where you ask me to fuck you?” I quipped in a joking tone, trying to make her laugh.

“You started kissing my, um, my breasts and then you bit my,” Sara was turning red and flustered, “don’t make me say it, Tee!”

“How can I make love to you if you’re not gonna tell me how I did it?” I teased her as I stroked my fingers up and down her back.

“I hate you,” she clowned as she glared up at me and then covered her flushed face, “you bit my nipples and you made me tell you I liked it.”

“So what did you say, Sara?”

“Fuck off! You know exactly what I said.”

I laughed at how cute she was when she was uncomfortable, “okay fine, but don’t leave out any more details. This is getting good.”

“You tied up my wrists when I didn’t answer you when you asked me if I liked it, and you spanked me.” Sara said as her face was still covered by her hands, “You made me  _beg,_  so I did. I begged you to fuck me and you just watched as you continued to torture me. You fingered me and then you made me taste it. You asked me if I liked it and then you sucked your fingers to taste me, too.”

“Wow. That’s really fucking dirty,” I interjected, “so when do I use that strap-on?”

“I’m getting to it, Tee! Okay so you finally fucked me with the strap-on, are you happy now?”

“Yes I am actually, can I have more details though please? I’d like to hear how this story unfolds.”

I could tell I was annoying her and it made me laugh. She was cute when I made her angry, too. She really didn’t want to go into detail with this story to begin with.

“So you were using the strap-on and I was about to, you know, finish. And you asked me if I liked fucking my sister.”

“Holy shit, this is one hell of a dream, we should reenact it. What did you say?”

“You were gonna spank me again if I didn’t answer. So I said I liked it,” Sara answered.

“Yeah, but  _what_ did you say? You better have meant it, don’t make me tie up your wrists, Sara,” I annoyed her.

Sara took a deep breath in, “I said ‘I love fucking my sister. Oh God. You’re so good at fucking my pussy, Tee. Don’t stop. I’m gonna come. You’re gonna make me come, Tee. I’m gonna, I’m gonna’,” Sara answered in a monotone, “and then I woke up.”

“You could have said it a little sexier, you know? Also you remember that quite vividly, I see. Do you say that when you touch yourself, too?”

Sara turned around and pushed my arms away from her waist, “Tegan! I’m going to stand on your face until you shut the hell up!”

“I’d rather you sit.”

“Okay that’s enough,” Sara said as she pinned me down on the bed, hair in her face she stared at me. She was trying to hide a smile and my eyes were fighting between her face and her breasts that were barely covered by her sheer top. I swallowed tensely and licked my lips as I traced the outlines of her ribs underneath her shirt with my hands.

“So that’s how I knew. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Tee. I was jealous of Lindsey and I was jealous when I heard you two. I cried myself to sleep that night,” Sara revealed, gloom on her face as she reminded herself of that night, “I had butterflies when you took care of me that day and they haven’t left since. Then I realized that it was because I love you, because I’m  _in love_  with you.”

I smiled when I heard those words come out of her mouth. She let her guard down again and that made me happy. I liked her feeling safe with me, and that she can tell me anything.

“When I searched your phone, I saw that picture of the way I look at you. I never realized it before, but it looks like love. I look happy. It looks like the way someone would look at their lover. When I read your journal I realized that I wanted to be all those things for you, too. And it made me think back to the day we spent together when you were sick; I let you cuddle into me. I held you and I had my arm around you so you could be comfortable. And I  _kissed_ your forehead. I don’t know if sisters do that. But I didn’t think twice about it until today.”

“I didn’t feel you kiss me,” Sara recollected.

“Do you remember saying ‘I love you’ right after I did?” I asked her.

Sara looked surprised. “Not at all, you must have not realized that I meant it like that.”

“I guess not, but I said it back to you anyways. It felt right,” I fixed.

Sara kissed me on the mouth as she dropped down beside me and faced away from me, hinting at me to spoon her. I circled my arms just below her breasts as she dug her back into my stomach. She corrected my hand position and held them over her breasts and underneath her shirt. I felt her buds harden as I stroked them and this time she wasn’t trying to tease me. This moment was perfect; it was as if we fit together like missing puzzle pieces that have just been found.

“Hey, Tee?”

“Hm,” I hummed as I nuzzled myself into the nape of her neck.

“What about Stacy and Lindsey?”

“I don’t know.”


	10. Fornication

**Sara**

“Good morning beautiful,” I heard Tegan say from beside me, “I brought you breakfast.”

I opened my eyes to a huge breakfast in bed and Tegan’s smiling face. She looked like she had already gotten showered and dressed for today. She was wearing a blue plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up revealing the ink on her arms and a pair of black skinny jeans. She must have been up way before me to do all this. I couldn’t help but smile at her as I wiped the sleep out from my eyes.

“You’re up early,” I spoke.

“Yeah, I figured I would make it up to you for ruining yesterday. I hope you like it,” Tegan smiled up at me as she handed me a cup of coffee.

“This is really sweet, Tee. You didn’t ruin last night,” I reassured her as I clued in to what she meant, nerves tossing in my stomach as I remembered the only thing we had planned for today was what we held off on last night. I don’t know what came over me last night; I totally threw myself at Tegan and now the thought of touching her like I did had my heart racing.

Last night was surreal and filled with so many emotions. I’m still in shock of this all happening—Tegan coming to find me at the beach to kiss me and tell me she loves me. And then...seducing her as soon as we get back into the room. Was I crazy? I hope to God she doesn’t think I’m a freak. She was right though; this did happen really fast. Not that I’m complaining. I was just about to break down before she found me. The last few days for me were pure torture. And then she came just when I needed her. She knew I needed her. And she felt the same way for me as I did for her, which I never expected to happen in a million years. I’m on cloud nine. This is just so nerve-racking and exciting at the same time, especially since now we’re both cheating on our girlfriends. I was so caught up in the moment last night that I didn’t even think of Stacy. I guess Tegan had a point that we had to talk last night. I don’t know what we’re going to do about this.

“I did ruin it, but I’m going to make it up to you today,” Tegan said as she turned my face toward her and passionately kissed me on the mouth. This was still so crazy. My heart started thumping louder in my chest that I swore Tegan could hear. “I just got off the phone with Jasper. He said they’ll be here around nine at night,” she continued as she kissed me again and bit my lip this time, “so we have the whole day together. Just us. I haven’t heard from Ted yet, though. I think he’s flying up separately.”

I took a deep breath in before I sipped my coffee, hands shaking and swallowing awkwardly loud. “Good.”

Tegan laughed at me as she stared at my flustered face. “Are you nervous again?”

“Yeah. I guess. A little,” I stuttered, not wanting to make eye contact with her so I just kept picking at my breakfast. I needed the Sara from yesterday to come back. I don’t know what’s up with these bipolar sentiments.

“You have a lisp when you’re nervous. You’re so cute,” she giggled as she massaged my leg with her fingers, trying to ease me, but instead doing the opposite, “I think I embarrassed you way too much last night.”

I had to compose myself. She already had me so turned on just by the way she looked at me. She knew exactly what I wanted from her and she was playing it so well. I finished the last few bites of my breakfast and sips of my coffee.

“I swear I saw Lindsey when I was down in the lobby,” Tegan sounded crazy.

“Oh Tegan, do you hear yourself? We’re so far away from home, it must be your guilt sinking in.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

I kissed her on the mouth, “I’m gonna go take a shower.”

I darted into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I watched myself in the mirror as I peeled off each piece of clothing one by one until I was staring at my naked body. I smoothed my fingers through my messy hair and moved my hands down to my stomach and squeezed my breasts. This was happening. Tegan was going to touch me like I fantasized. I watched my chest rise and fall in the mirror as I tried to pull myself together.

I stepped in the shower as I felt the pressure of the water hit my unsteady body. My infatuation for Tegan has been the product of too many cold showers lately. I lathered my body and thought about the other day when I imagined her touching me and how I touched myself just thinking about it. But when I was done showering she was going to be the one touching me and making love to me. My chest filled with heat while the cold water continued to pour down on me. I felt my core aching and become sensitive as I grew impatient. I didn’t want her to see how flushed I was over her. I turned off the faucet and wrapped the white towel around my body.

I took a good look at myself in the mirror and built up my composure. I’m going to walk out there like the tease I was yesterday and she’s not going to be able to resist me. I can do this. I did it yesterday and I’m going to do it again today. I towel-dried my hair and put on blush, concealer, mascara and lipstick. I moisturized my entire body, which was still pretty smooth since I just waxed before we left home. I tried to hurry as I blow-dried my hair and parted it just the way I wanted. I took one last look at myself along with a much-needed breath as I walked out with just the white towel wrapped loosely around my body.

I saw Tegan was sitting cross-legged on the bed closest to the window and she flicked her head up as she watched me walk out of the bathroom.

“Oh fuck, Sare.” Tegan gaped and bit her lower lip as she stared at my half-naked, wet body.

I could be a tease, “I just need to get some clean clothes,” I voiced as I walked over to my suitcase.

“Come here,” Tegan ordered as she put her phone down. Whatever she was looking at clearly wasn’t as important anymore.

“But I have to pick out clothes for today,” I fought back as I searched through my suitcase at the leftover clothes I hadn’t packed away yet.

“You won’t need any,” Tegan said as she got up and grabbed me by my waist and pulled me close. With adrenaline rushing through my core I tightened my towel just before she pressed me up against her. Her taste was becoming familiar the more we kissed and that made me happy. I didn’t want this the kiss to lead into nothing like it did last night. We were going to go all the way. She was going to make love to me today like she should have yesterday.

She had one hand tangled in my hair and the other one wrapped around my waist. I could feel her arousal growing the more she touched me, barely breaking our kiss through her moans. When she started going down toward my neck I looked around the room and noticed she had shut the shade and dimmed the lights while I was in the shower. I couldn’t help myself but to release a pleasured moan as she continued to suck on my neck.

“Are you gonna make love to me like you said, Tee?” I asked as I continued to attempt to tease her.

“I’ll do anything you want me to,” Tegan was at my collarbones now, “tell me what you want.”

“Take me to bed,” I ordered.

“Can I take this off?” She gently pulled at my towel and we were uneasy.

“Mhm,” I breathed. Our bodies were both shaking now. Tegan unfolded the inch of the towel that was tucked in at my chest. We didn’t speak. I had my hands at my side and relaxed them so that the towel slipped off of my body. Tegan kept her gaze on me as she forcefully picked me up to bring me to the bed. She had me straddle my legs around her and didn’t detach her mouth from mine as she carried me over.

She laid me down on the oversized bed. I could feel the heat from my body saturating the sheets and the room begin to smell of sex before we even had it. Before Tegan started touching me again I undid each button on her shirt, one by one, and slipped it off along with her jeans. I threw her clothes to the floor; she was only wearing a bra and panties now. There was so much of her body that I hadn’t touched yet but was desperately waiting to.

“Now what do you want me to do?”

“Touch every inch of my body,” I ordered as I pinned her arms to either side of me, “with your mouth.”

I could tell Tegan was enjoying taking orders from me as she proceeded to trail her flicking tongue down to my breasts. She was tempted to use her hands, but I didn’t let her. I traced my fingers over the ink on her arms and found myself at the clasp between her shoulder blades. I slipped off her panties just after fumbling to unhook the clasp of her bra and threw those onto the floor as well. Tegan pulled me upright and pressed our naked bodies together so that her breasts were against mine. She looked so beautiful and I couldn’t even begin to explain this sense of euphoria that came over me as she pulled me close. I wrapped my legs around her and dug them into her waist. I’m sure she could feel how wet I was from the angle she was holding me.

Tegan made sure not to let go of me as she hauled me up against the headboard. My back continued to thud against it as Tegan kissed my nipples, harder and harder with each bang against the board. I took comfort in knowing the room beside us was vacant because they would have heard everything going on between us. We would have to be quiet once the guys checked into that room. But right now, it didn’t matter how loud she made me scream.

“Harder, Tee,” I begged, “your mouth feels so good on me.”

My dirty talk was turning her on. I felt like I was really bad at it, though. As nervous as it made me to say those things to her, I had to admit to myself that I kind of liked it too, regardless of how dirty I felt. I let out a delectate scream as she pressed down harder on the bud between her teeth.

“I thought you wanted me to make love to you,” Tegan tested. Her talking to me like that did so much to me. I couldn’t resist but to respond back to her that way I did.

“I want you to fuck me.” I shot back as I pressed her mouth harder against my nipples. Just as her biting became painful, all I continued to feel was pleasure bursting up from my core. 

“You want me to fuck you? Okay..." Tegan spoke suggestively and detached her mouth from my body when she grabbed me by the legs. She pulled me flat onto the bed so that I was on my back, spanking my thighs as she kissed me hard and propped herself up overtop of me. "Then don’t you dare come until I say you can, Sara,” Tegan demanded.

“I like it when you say my name like that, it’s sexy.” I confessed as she continued to call me by my name.

Tegan laughed at me and broke the seriousness. “You’re adorable,” she embarrassed me as she kissed me once last time and caressed my cheek before trailing further down on my body.

“Tee, I’m really wet,” I proclaimed, she could hear the self-consciousness in my voice.

She stroked her fingers up at down from my clit to my opening as she kissed from my ribs to my bellybutton to my hips. I arched my back at the feeling of how sensitive I was when she touched it like that. I swallowed thick as she trailed her lips down to my thighs and bypassed where I was dying for her to put her tongue most. She focused her digits on gently flicking my clit as she watched me become tortured by the satisfaction she put on me. Her tongue avoided the parts of my inner thighs that were already covered by my arousal, keeping my taste secrecy until she kissed my pussy.

“Put your legs around my neck, Sare,” she ordered as she held my legs and kissed up my thighs closer to my lips. The heat searing off my body paired with the warmth of the fireplace had me burning up. My breaths became deeper and heavier as her tongue edged closer to my centre. My body tensed hard and rigid as she sucked on my clit with her mouth.

“Oh fuck!” I released a shaking cry as she clutched my hips and rocked me up and down to grind my clit against her tongue.

“Do you want more?” She looked up at me with serious eyes, causing an adrenaline rush that made my body shudder at the sound of her voice. When I looked up at her I saw that her mouth was glossed from my arousal.

“Fuck me, Tee. Your mouth feels so good on my pussy,” I attested, letting out another whimper and not thinking twice about the words that left my mouth anymore. She slid a finger inside me without any teasing as she pressed her mouth against me again. My uncontrollable screams were taken as a plea to add another finger as I continued to ride her fingers. It didn’t take long for Tegan to hit my g-spot and she could see from my body language that I was close to my peak.

“Don’t come yet,” she demanded as she spanked me harder than the last time.

“I don’t want to you to stop,” I rebutted and sobbed out. I seriously was about to come and wasn’t sure how much more of her pleasure I could handle.

“You taste so fucking good,” Tegan came up from between my legs and straddled herself up against me to kiss me so that I could taste her mouth. She put her fingers in my mouth now, keeping to her promise of reenacting my dream. “Do you taste good, Sare?” She asked me and I released a small  _mm_  from my lips. She kissed me passionately on the mouth and held my face in her hands before she went back to let me ride out my orgasm.

“Oh God. Do that thing with your tongue again,” I begged her as she positioned my legs around her neck and sucked harder on my clit. "I've had enough. Fuck, I can't handle anymore. Let me come, Tee."

Tegan flicked her tongue against my pussy and my body started to shake uncontrollably. She stuck two fingers inside me and rubbed her thumb against my clit. I bit my lip hard in an attempt to quiet my screams but it was too much. I felt my climax building in my centre and I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I let out a lurid scream as I curled my toes and arched my back harder as she rammed me up against the headboard.

“I’m gonna come!” I cried.

“Don’t come until I say you can,” she went harder and threatened to hit me if I did come.

“Fuck oh my god,” I cursed as I pulled her hair and dug my fingers down her back. It almost started to hurt like she wanted it to. "Please, Tee!”

“Does it hurt, Sara?”

“Yes,” I cried as she rocked my body back and forth, hitting the headboard to the wall.

“Tell me how much you like it and I’ll let you come,” Tegan ordered.

She was so fucking dirty and it made me so wet. I held it in for way too long and I had to let myself orgasm. I couldn’t fight it any longer. She firmly grasped my hips and pulled by body closer to her mouth. I shuddered uncontrollably and tensed hard as she fucked me until I came.

"Mm," my sister hummed as she let me ride out my orgasm against her mouth. I could hear my heart thumping in my chest as it rang through to my ears. I squeezed my legs tighter around her face and felt my core convulse against her fingers inside me. My clit twitched against her tongue as she sucked it harder and she could feel me coming. She took my legs and set them down on the bed as I came down from this high.

“Oh my god. That was amazing,” I whispered as lay my head on her chest and traced circles on her stomach. I kissed her lips and could still taste myself on her mouth. It made me wonder if we tasted the same. I gave her a tight squeeze and didn’t ever want to let her go. I didn’t want to share her with Lindsey; I want her to be mine and only mine. I was head over heels, irrevocably, completely in love with this girl.

“Think you can come like that again?” Tegan questioned, catching me off guard and making me smile.

I straddled my legs on top of her and kissed her neck.

"Let’s find out.”

\--

Tegan spent the rest of the day pleasing me until I couldn’t handle any more. Every time was better than the last. I didn’t realize how many hours went by until we were startled by a knock on the door. Tegan and I darted up to get our clothes. She checked her phone and it was a little past nine at night, it must have been the guys. I hurried to put on my clothes and making sure they were on properly and made the bed as quickly as possible.

I hope to God they just got in. If they already went into their room I don’t even want to think of what they heard. I finally picked out a set of clothes from my suitcase—the reason I came out of the bathroom in the first place. I smoothed down my button-up and fixed Tegan’s hair, fixed her makeup and kissed my arousal off of her face, urging her to go to the bathroom and wash her hands.

Tegan unlocked the deadbolt and we opened the door.

“Hey ladies, enjoying Verona so far?” Jasper walked in, leaving his suitcase out in the hallway as the rest of the band started moving their stuff into the room beside us. Thank fucking God.

“Yes,  _such_  a beautiful day,” Tegan interjected.

“Really? It’s raining,” he responded, confused.

“Oh,” I hit Tegan in the back. She could be so dumb, she was totally gonna fuck this up, “it must have just started,” she lied.

Ted ran in and squeezed each of us into a hug, interrupting Tegan from having to tell another obvious coverup. “So good to see you guys! it’s been forever.”

“I know; I’m so excited!” I beamed at him, “do you guys wanna go get some drinks downstairs at the bar?”

They got ready and put their suitcases in their room and came back to ours when they were finished. “Hey Tegan, I swear I just saw Lindsey here when we were checking in,” Ted declared.

“Oh my God, me too! Sara said it was just my guilt though,” Tegan responded absent-mindedly. Oh my fucking God. I hit her again and made sure it hurt this time, so maybe she thought a little harder before she spoke.

“What are you talking about?” Ted asked as they both stared at her.

“Oh! Nothing! I just feel bad leaving her, I guess,” Tegan shrugged her shoulders. Wow this wasn’t going well.

“Why’d you guys put up the Do Not Disturb sign?” Jasper quipped; I couldn’t handle any more questions. I felt like my head was going to explode.

“Uh…” my mind went blank, “we wanted to be well-rested before you guys came. Um I forgot my phone let me go get it. I’ll meet you guys by the elevator.”

Tegan and I were seriously needed to have a talk about being more secretive about this new romance thing we had going on. I grabbed my phone on the counter and noticed a scrunched up note and unfolded it. I skimmed through it quick.

_I hope you enjoyed last night, babe. I’m sure Sara could tell you did. Ha! Tell her sorry._

_xo,_

_Lindsey_

I set the note down and laughed.

_Apology accepted, Lindsey. I hope you don’t mind me fucking your girlfriend._


	11. Forbidden

**Colin**

_Hey beautiful,_

_I went down to the bar if you are looking for me._

_Love, Colin_

I left the note on the bed and got my wallet. I am proposing tomorrow and still seems surreal to me and I feel that maybe I have lost a part of my mind. I figured I would make some friends down at the bar and pick their brain on how I should propose. I am extremely nervous but so stoked to be proposing to her. She’s the spontaneous type and I know in my heart she feels the same way about me; I’ve never felt this way about someone before and I’m head over heels in love with her. I just have absolutely no idea how I’m gonna do it, though.

The bar was pretty full. I shuffled my way through looking for some friendly faces and a place to sit when I saw a really familiar one wave at me. When I got closer and attuned my glasses I noticed it was Tegan. I was really thrilled to see her again, along with her sister who was looking at lot better than last night.

Tegan stood up from the booth to give me a hug, “Hey stranger, it’s so good to run into you again. We’re just celebrating and having a few drinks, wanna join us?”

“I would love to. I was looking for some familiar faces anyway, I’m glad I ran into yours,” I beamed as I sat down next to Tegan.

“This is my sister Sara and this is Ted and Jasper,” Tegan introduced me as I shook everyone’s hand.

“It’s really nice to meet you guys. It’s good to see  _you_ again, Sara. Are you feeling better from last night? Did Tegan find you okay?” I asked as I looked across to Sara and beside me to Tegan. I must have said something that shouldn’t have been said because Tegan seemed anxious and Sara on edge.

Sara gave a perplexed smile, “Yeah, I’m better now. Thanks Colin,” she said, quickly trying to override my question. Jasper narrowed his eyes at the girls and was clearly unaware of whatever drama happened last night. I tried to change the topic since I clearly brought up an inappropriate one.

“So, you said you guys are celebrating?” I piped up, moving onto a different subject.

“Yes,” Tegan shot up in a follow to change the obviously awkward subject, “we start touring here in a few days. This is going to be our first show of the tour and then we are traveling the rest of Europe throughout the month.”

“Wow, I didn’t realize you were in a band. That’s really exciting that you get to travel and do that,” I enthused at Tegan.

“It’s amazing. What brings you to Verona?” Ted asked me.

I smiled at Tegan and showed them the ring as it gleamed off of the lights in the high-class bar, “I’m proposing to my girlfriend tomorrow.”

“That’s beautiful,” Sara interjected, “when are you doing it?”

“Tomorrow evening, maybe sunset or something. But I don’t know how yet; I want it to be perfect. Not cliché or anything, but special, you know?”

“Aww, that’s so cute. I love proposals; you better make it perfect, Colin! You only have one chance to do this right, don’t mess it up!” Tegan quipped as she nudged my shoulder.

“Thanks, Tegan. If I wasn’t nervous already, I’m officially terrified,” Tegan made me laugh, but I seriously did need to figure this out soon.

“Are you married, Tegan?” I asked since her aforementioned adoration for proposals.

“Oh no, I just think they’re so cute. I love seeing them; they make me happy. I’m a sucker for love and a hopeless romantic. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for five years now, think maybe I should propose already, huh? I mean, compared to your two weeks and you  _know_  she’s gonna say yes, I’m sure my odds are good too, right?” Tegan nudged me again.

“Exactly,” I laughed, “wow that’s a long time, especially compared to mine. Am I crazy for doing this?”

“If you know, you know. And if she knows, she’ll say yes. You’re in Verona, that ring is stunning and you’re a catch. I can’t think of any reason for her not to say yes,” Tegan reassured me.

“Thanks, Tegan. I appreciate it. But the question is  _how_  am I going to ask her?”

“Well, Verona is gorgeous—so you’re good for scenery and I wouldn’t worry too much. You can write it in the sky, or take her to a nice candle-lit dinner and put it in the dessert, propose on the beach at sunset, something like that. That would be sweet. Every girl is a sucker for sunsets,” Sara smiled up at me. I took her genuine expression as an apology for my mistake of bringing up an inappropriate topic just as I sat down with them.

“Oh how generic Sara, is that how you’ll propose to Stacy? He said he didn’t want a cliché,” Ted bantered, “what kind of stuff does she like?”

“Well, she’s always got a camera attached to her hand. She loves taking photographs. She actually does it for a living.”

“That’s just like my girlfriend! Why don’t you put the ring in her camera lens or something when she’s not looking? So she’ll see the ring when she opens it to take a picture. I’ve always thought of proposing that way to my girlfriend when the time was right, but you can use it, too,” Tegan blurted out her idea, excited that she thought of that.

I thought about it for a second, “You know what, Tegan? I kind of like that idea. I think you may have just given me my answer.”

“Really?” Tegan looked surprised since she pretty much just spoke the first idea that came off the top of her head.

“Yeah, I really do. I could even press record and film her reaction,” I added to her idea.

“That’s pretty genius, Tee,” Sara furthered as she smiled at me, “I’m really excited for you two, Colin.”

We continued to discuss the idea and everyone seemed to like it. It definitely wasn’t cliché and it was a unique proposal. Our drinks arrived and we took a cheers to my proposal and to the start of their tour. Good things were coming and I couldn’t be happier.

After the proposal idea was settled, the conversation geared away from that and onto different topics. We talked about attractions in Verona, our career goals, shared interests, laughed over stupid jokes and just life. I was really glad to have met Tegan last night and get to know everyone. She had such a positive energy about her and she helped me figure out how to propose to my girlfriend. I could tell from that night that we were going to be really good friends.

Ted and Jasper decided to call it a night after a few drinks each and noticing that the girls were starting to get a little tipsy. We paid the bill at the bar and said our goodbyes in the elevator once my stop came up halfway up the building. We exchanged numbers and planned to get together again before parting ways from Verona.

**Tegan**

I was pretty done for the night. Not plastered, but just done. I had a good buzz going on and couldn’t stop giggling. My focus was dedicated to all the pretty buttons in the elevator after pressing them all once Colin got off to his floor. I snickered at the glares I received from Ted and Jasper in the ten minutes it took for us to get to our floor while Sara laughed uncontrollably with me. We tried to keep up with the amount of beers the guys were drinking, but our size made us light weights. I eventually had to hold on to Ted to keep my balance.

“You guys wanna come to our room? We have more drinks in here,” Sara offered as we stepped out of the elevator and slid her key in the door. I don’t know if I could stomach any more beers but I figured we didn’t have anything to do tomorrow so what the hell.

“So what time did you guys get in, Tegan?” Jasper asked me.

“We got in yesterday evening just as the sun started setting. It was so beautiful. Ted, when did you get in? Sara and I thought you were coming on a different flight than Jasper’s.” I asked Ted as I opened a can of beer from the fridge and handed one to him.

“Yeah I was,” Ted took a while to respond, “I got in last night.”

I brought attention to myself as I almost choked on my beer and looked up at Sara in panic. Ted knew. Ted fucking knew. There is no way in hell he didn’t hear us messing around last night and fucking all today. Oh my fucking God. This was really bad. I could see the matched terror in Sara’s face.

“Oh,” I responded, not having any other thought in my mind that I was able to spill out into reality.

I knew this wasn’t just my imagination, Ted looked uncomfortable and Sara could see it, too. With the fear that maybe we would fire him, I don’t think he would mention that he knows about us. But he’s also been with us for ten years that we’ve developed a really close relationship with him and he knows that we would never do that. So maybe he would tell us. I have no idea I’m too terrified to even consider this thought any longer. I just hope he doesn’t tell Jasper.

Ted succeeded in changing the topic to when we were going to start rehearsing for the upcoming show and we continued to make light, tipsy conversation until we reached the last drops of our beers. After about an hour we decided to call it a night.

When the door shut behind them, it was dead silent but I couldn’t stop the noise in my head. Sara and I stared fearfully at each other and didn’t speak. I broke the silence.

“Sare, do you think Ted knows?”

“Without a doubt.”

The silence continued a little bit longer. I couldn’t handle the muteness and was dying for Sara to speak. I reached for her hands and held them at her sides.

“I’m really scared. This is harder than I thought,” I said to Sara, trying to hold back the oncoming tears.

Sara continued to stare into blank space and she was starting to worry me. I wanted to know what was going through her mind.

“Sara, please say something.”

Sara spoke up and her face fell into my chest and she pulled me closer into an embrace, “I don’t know what to do. What if everyone finds out? Do you feel bad that we’re betraying Stacy and Lindsey?”

“I still love her,” I told her.

“I love Stacy, too. But my love for you is stronger and that’s what hurts so bad, Tee. I’ll never get to show you off to the world as my girlfriend because my love for you is so fucked up to everyone else,” Sara started crying now.

“Maybe we’ll just have to learn to hide it better,” I suggested.

“We have to learn to hide it better?  _You_  have to learn to hide it better! I can’t believe half of the things you said to them, where is your common sense? I don’t want to hide it; why can’t I love you that way, what makes it so disgusting? It’s not fair,” she continued to bawl in my arms.

“It’s okay, Sare. We’re gonna get through this together,” I comforted her.

“But Tegan, we’re being unfaithful to our girlfriends,” Sara looked up at me.

“Honestly, Sara. This isn’t what you want to hear, but we have to stay in our relationships. They’re serious. I don’t want to hurt them; I love Lindsey and I know you feel the same about Stacy. If we break up with them we still can’t have a normal relationship together. It’s not their fault. Either way, we have to keep this behind closed doors,” I tried to rationalize this and state the unfortunate truth as I held Sara tighter in my arms.

“I know you’re right, Tee, but I don’t want to share you with anyone else. I don’t want anyone else to touch you, kiss you, take care of you, love you,” Sara went on, “I want to be the only one. I want you to love me with your whole heart, not just half.”

“Sara, I promise, everything’s gonna fall into place. You haven’t texted Stacy in forever, why don’t you do that? She probably misses you like crazy. We’re going to get through this but we can’t let this affect our relationships right now,” I leveled with her.

Sara cried harder. She didn’t look at me but she hugged her arms around me inside my leather jacket. Her touch was so familiar and her scent was so comforting, “so what’s gonna happen to us, Tee, are we done?”

I brought her lament face next to mine and looked deep into her brown depths, “I’m not done loving you Sara, I haven’t even started. This is going to be hard. I get it. But you’re worth the pain of this. Don’t pull away from me; let me fall deeply and passionately in love with you. Let me take you on dates and take care of you and love you with all of my heart. It doesn’t have to be difficult. I promise you I’m going to love you so hard, but you just have to let me,” I pulled her face closer to mine as we listened to the rhythm of each other’s breaths.

Sara pursed her lips together, looking as if she was trying to hold in more tears coming. I wiped her tears away and tried to soothe her as best as I could. Our love was forbidden, but she is everything to me and it didn’t matter. I didn’t care how hard this was going to be, falling in love with her is worth it. I ran my fingers through her hair and caressed her cheek. I breathed her air as I pressed my lips into hers; this kiss was deep and intense. I could feel the heartache searing off from the touch of her lips. She had me overwhelmed and drowning in pleasure.

The taste of her lips brought me back to the taste of her body and how intimate today was. I don’t know if she could tell how nervous I was. I’d never tell her this but she gives me butterflies too. At least not yet, I didn’t want her to see me like that around her. She had me shaking and breathless when she came out of the bathroom wearing just a towel. She looked sexy and beautiful with that coy smile she gave me, but I could tell she had to give herself a pep talk in the bathroom to walk out like that. That made her even more adorable.

Making love to her was indescribable. I love that it was me who had her body shaking with pleasure. Watching her moan a mixture of curse words along with my name and rock herself against my fingers as I pulsed them into her was unbelievably sexy. I’ll never forget the way she squeezed my hand every single time she came close to her orgasm—or the fact that it was because of me. I could feel myself growing stronger emotions for her as time went on.

We got lost in the moment, but eventually decided we would text Stacy and Lindsey. We haven’t talked to them since we left and Stacy was getting suspicious. At least Sara didn’t know yet. I wasn’t planning on telling her because I figured once Sara talks to her, Stacy would think it was just a misunderstanding. At least that’s what I hoped. I didn’t want to burden Sara with our conversation if it wasn’t necessary.

_Sara: Hi Stace. I’m so sorry I didn’t respond earlier, I hope I didn’t worry you. I was feeling really under the weather when we got here and needed some time. Give me a call tomorrow morning; I can’t wait to hear your voice. We are enjoying Verona so far and I can’t wait to tell you about it. I love you and miss you so much._

_Tegan: Hey babe, I miss you already. We’re here safe and sound. I wish you were here to enjoy this with me; I love Verona so far! You would, too. I can already picture you taking photos of all the buildings and views here. I hope you miss me as much as I miss you, but I love you more. Call me tomorrow, xox._

“I think my phone has a glitch,” I said, subconsciously to myself.

“What do you mean, Tee?”

“The location on my phone, is that mine or Lindsey’s?”

“That’s Lindsey’s,” Sara pointed out.

“There has to be a bug, it says she’s in Verona.”


	12. Avarice

**Lindsey**

Tegan’s in Verona? I thought she said Venice. I should be more careful with doing this kind of stuff behind her back. Next time. I wonder if she’s staying at the same hotel as me, but that’s a pretty slim chance. Verona’s huge, right? I’m not going to worry about it much. This is about my third day here and I haven’t seen her so I’d like to think I can confidently say I’m in the clear. Hopefully she won’t ask me why I didn’t stay at her house that night either. I’m not the greatest liar, but I’d say I made up for it for pleasing her that night.

I came home last night and saw Colin’s note on the pillow, so I just went into bed and fell asleep. It was already late by then and he still wasn’t back. I told Colin I was doing a shoot for one of my clients, he’s so gullible. He’d never notice cause he loves me too much and is so wrapped up in his stocks and investments to realize anything. I woke up with a slight hangover and huge headache from the club last night. I can’t remember if I hooked up with that one girl or not, but her number made its way into my phone. I’ll probably text her later on, along with Tegan, too.

“Morning, baby,” I felt Colin hug me from behind and spoon me, “how was your photo-shoot?”

“It was fun, but I missed you,” I keened as I turned around and kissed him, “yours?”

“Great, so many friendly people here. Let’s get up and showered, it’s already three in the afternoon, we sure know how to sleep in, don’t we? I’m gonna take you to the beach today, I’ve got a surprise for you.”

“Can it wait a sec, there’s something I wanna do first,” I whispered as I kissed him again and trailed my hands between his legs. I slid off his boxers and sunk to my knees and threw myself under the covers. One thing led to another and he pulled my hips down harder into him after I pleased him. My vision felt like it faded to black as he brought me to my peak. One thing I liked about Colin was how good he was in bed; he would jump through hoops just to please me. Tegan could please me, too, but lately she’s always on the road and I can’t always go with her since I have a life. I needed someone else to physically please me while she was gone, and Colin’s retired and loaded. So it was a win-win.

Tegan and I had a good run while it lasted. We’ve been together for so long now that it just feels like a chore lately. She’s constantly traveling and long-distance relationships aren’t necessarily my thing. It was time for me to move on and find someone who better fit my needs. I should probably let her know soon that she should move on, too, before I potentially screw myself over. Poor thing is so sensitive and a hopeless romantic that I don’t know how to bring it up to her. I’m sure Sara would help her through it. They’ll always have each other.

A few hours passed and we finally got out of bed and showered. I dressed nice like he told me to; I wore a tribal printed dress and brushed my dirty blonde curls so they fell loosely around my face. Colin took me down to the beach and since the sun was about to set, I figured I could get some really scenic photos in so I grabbed my camera with me that Colin bought for me. I kept my eyes watchful to my surroundings in case I did happen to see Tegan or Sara or whoever they were touring with.

Colin and I sat on the hot sand and watched the sun set as we enjoyed each other’s company and held hands. The moment was pretty perfect. Colin knew how to be romantic and always does stuff for me like this. It is pretty sweet; I love him a lot.

“Why don’t you take a photo of the sun, Linds? It’s striking,” he suggested to me. I looked beside me to my camera and I heard something clink inside when I picked it up. I gave Colin a confused expression as I opened the lens.

_Holy shit._

“Colin, is that a—“

Colin took the gorgeous princess cut, diamond ring out of the lens and into his hand, “Okay, baby. I know you might think I’m seriously crazy right now, but I know how I feel about you and time doesn’t define that for me. It’s defined by the way I feel when I’m with you and there’s no one that makes me as happy as you do. I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. When I’m with you I feel complete and I know that we are truly meant to be,” Colin knelt on his knee and I knew exactly what was coming, “will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

Well that was sudden. I think we’ve been dating two weeks. Wow. He really loves me and that is a gorgeous ring. I didn’t expect this at all. I didn’t think twice about his intentions for taking me to Verona, but I should’ve realized he looked a little nervous during the whole trip. I shouldn’t have underestimated the fact that this is a  _really_  romantic city. He looked so cute kneeling on one knee and the way he looked at me was true love. Yes he was crazy, but his proposal was absolutely adorable. I’d be crazy not to say yes, I love him after all.

I was speechless for about five seconds, but I hope he took it as a good thing. He stayed down on his knee, patiently awaiting my response, smiling.

“Yes! Of course I will, I love you Colin!” He got up off of his knee and caught me in his arms as I jumped into them to hug him. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world right now and I had the most beautiful ring on my finger from the most amazing guy. I get to go to Verona and now somewhere for a honeymoon? I’m gonna get used to this.

The sun had set and Colin carried me from the beach back to the room. I had the biggest smile on my face the whole way; I knew what we were doing when we got back. That’s pretty much all today consisted of anyway, with a proposal in between.

My mind switched over to Tegan. I’ll text her quick when I get back tonight before I get too distracted with Colin. It’s probably tacky if I do it over the phone, so I should probably meet up with her soon and break it off with her. I hope she doesn’t take it too badly; we had something special.

Colin slid the hotel room key in and unlocked the door as he brought me over to the bed and put me down. I undressed myself and waited for him to come back. Before he shut the door, I saw him put the Do Not Disturb sign on the outside of the door. We were gonna need that up all night.


	13. Fabrication

**Tegan**

“Maybe she’s coming to surprise you…again,” I could hear bitterness in Sara’s voice.

“Why do you say it like that, Sare?” I retorted.

“I don’t like her, Tegan.”

“Why, because I’m dating her?” I shot back again, getting a little defensive now.

“It’s not even that, Tee. She’s just loud and obnoxious. It’s too much for me.”

“You sound jealous of her. You don’t see me saying that about Stacy,” we were about fighting now.

I saw anger building in Sara’s eyes; I may have touched on a sensitive subject by calling her jealous of my girlfriend. Now that I thought about it, Sara really didn’t like Lindsey before this week. Not just now. She pulled out of our embrace and shoved me back.

“Really, Tegan? I’m  _jealous?_ ” She spat at me, “I saw her note she left you, she’s an insensitive bitch. She didn’t give a fuck that we had plans that night while I was fucking sick or that I fucking heard you guys.”

I felt the blood in my veins boil when she said that about Lindsey. She didn’t have the right to talk about her that way, Sara was going to have to respect her and our relationship and she clearly couldn’t. I shoved her back against the wall; the guys probably could hear this. My anger overshadowed any of the fucks that I would have given toward them hearing.

“Don’t  _ever_  say that again about Lindsey, Sara,” I had her pinned to the wall and she tried to fight me back. Her fists were held up at me like she was ready to punch me hard in the face.

“Why don’t you go fucking find her if she’s here, then? She’s really good at barging in when she’s not welcome, anyway! You clearly give a fuck about her more than you do about me.”

“Maybe I will, Sare! It says she’s staying at this hotel,” I screamed up at her while she was still I pinned by the shoulders to the wall, trying to break free from my force.

Sara’s rage resisted my force and she threw her fist into my jaw, “Fuck you, Tee! Why don’t you just go fuck her again?” That blow to my face fucking hurt, my head twisted to the other side of the wall. All I could feel was a throbbing hotness in my jaw. Without thinking, I shot back at her from all the anger she built up in me.

“You’re so fucking immature, Sara,” I smashed her body against the wall after she punched me, “why don’t you come listen so you can fuck yourself again?” I may have gone a bit too far, but my wrath didn’t let me hold it in.

Sara froze and glowered at me, shooting daggers into me with her blazing depths. “Fuck you!” She lurched at me and tears ran down her face. She tried to throw me off of her but her ferocity was converting into pain and weakness, “I fucking hate you, Tee! Get off of me! Don’t ever fucking touch me again! Get the fuck off of me!”

I slammed her back again to the wall until she was crying hysterically. I wasn’t thinking about what I was doing until I heard her indefensible sobs. I could hear her screaming something that sounded like I didn’t love her and I didn’t want her; she was weak and powerless. Before my guilt could sink in I was already out the door to find Lindsey. I slammed the hotel door behind me, hearing nothing but Sara’s uncontrollable, pained cries.

I banged the elevator button in hopes of it bringing it up to the top floor faster. When it came it was vacant and I went down t the lobby in one go. No stops were made from the top floor to the ground, it was pretty late and there weren’t many people in the hotel on a Sunday. I raced over to the front desk and asked the clerk if there was a woman named Lindsey Byrnes staying here. He gave me her room number and I went back up onto the elevator to find her room.

She was on the thirty-fifth floor. I pressed the elevator button to get me there and felt myself calming down a little. I felt the underneath of my jaw and noticed was some blood. I looked in the mirror of the elevator to make sure I had it all wiped off. I felt the guilt sinking in from hurting Sara; I must have hurt her really bad for her to scream that loud. We had a lot of fistfights when we were younger, but this was a first in a while.

My guilt became eclipsed by my excitement that Lindsey would come to surprise me again. I’m absolutely crazy about her after all these years and she still throws surprises for me. I’m really lucky. This, however, was huge for her to come visit me. She’s such a terrible liar, everyone knows that you can see someone’s location when you text them. She loved me, though, and that was all that mattered right now. I felt butterflies creep in when I thought about her going through all this to surprise me. I wonder when she was actually gonna come see me.

I got to the thirty-fifth floor; the clerk said she was staying in room 3572. I noticed she put up the Do Not Disturb sign. She must have been sleeping; she always did that when we went to hotels. Or when we were having sex. I banged on the door in anticipation to see her. My thought process was if she were sleeping, she wouldn’t mind me coming to see her and I could stay the night. Sara didn’t want me there anyway and we would probably take Sara up on her offer.

She must have been sleeping cause I was knocking for about a minute until she came to the door. My heart was racing and I was sort of anxious and flustered to see her. My palms were sweating now; she opened the door and looked beautiful.

I was right; she came to surprise me.

“Hey, baby!” I hugged her and pulled her in to kiss her as soon as I knew for sure it was Lindsey and I had the right room, “you are so sweet, but you’re a terrible liar, Linds. You came all the way here just to see me!”

She looked a little flustered and off-guard. I hope I didn’t ruin another surprise she may have had planned for me, but I probably would have figured that one out, too. She can’t keep anything a secret without me knowing.

“Tegan, wow. Hi, you’re here,” she looked back behind her and into her room, “it’s good to see you, baby.”

She sounded distant and my heart started beating a little faster. I felt like I must have been missing something to her surprise.

“Hi,” I reached for her waist and caressed her as I looked up into her rattled depths, “when were you gonna come surprise me?”

She paused, looking at me and like she was searching for words.

“You came to surprise me, right, Linds?” I questioned, getting nervous now.

“Yeah, baby. Why else would I be here? You caught me off guard that you knew about it, though,” she spoke, something wasn’t adding up. I grabbed for her hand with my shaking one.

She was wearing a stunning diamond ring. I never gave that one to her. She looked at me and froze as I heard a man calling her name and walking up toward the door.

My heart sank.

“Tegan! Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” he said as he kissed Lindsey on the cheek, my hand still in hers and fingering the expensive diamonds. It was a princess cut, the exact ring that Colin showed me, “I see you met my fiancée, Lindsey.” Colin turned to Lindsey, “Tegan gave me the idea of putting the ring in your camera lens, isn’t that genius?”

I’ve never felt this feeling before. I wanted to die and felt humiliated that I thought Lindsey would come here to surprise me. I just made a complete fool of myself. My legs were shaking and I couldn’t feel a pulse in my veins anymore. I could feel my entire body shaking in misery and realizing that the past five years of my life dedicated to Lindsey had been an entire fabrication. I made a strangled noise as I exhaled and collapsed into tears.

Colin stared in discomfort for me. He looked more confused as he watched, “Tegan, what’s wrong?” He was treading cautiously.

I tried to calm myself so I could speak, but I couldn’t. I yelled passed my whimpers in hopes that she could make sense of my words, “two weeks, Lindsey? Two weeks? Did I mean anything to you? Did you just throw me away and not even think to let me know?”

Lindsey stood still and didn’t say anything; her anxiety was plastered on her face.

“I’m confused, did you two date?”

“Why don’t you tell him, Lindsey?” I couldn’t even look at her face. The pain was unbearable in my body.

Lindsey didn’t speak and Colin waited innocently and patiently. He stared at her and waited for an answer. For such a smart man, he wasn’t cluing in on the obvious.

“Didn’t you think it was strange that we’re both dating a professional photographer, Colin?”

“I don’t understand,” Colin was ignorant to what he didn’t want to believe. He continued to look at Lindsey in hopes to get some answers from her.

I gripped Lindsey’s arm and turned Colin’s attention to where she had  _me and you_  inked on it, “did you ever tell him the significance of this one, Lindsey?” I couldn’t hold in my anguish, I was yelling now. I showed Colin the matching one on my arm that read  _you and me_ , “she’s my girlfriend. The one I’ve been with for  _five fucking years_. The one I was going to propose to the  _exact same way._ ”

Lindsey turned her face away as I continued to pull on her arm. Colin understood now and I saw the hurt creep onto his face. That wasn’t my intention at all, but he had to know the truth. We were both getting fucked over by her.

Colin froze. I could see confusion and guilt and remorse on his face.

“I’m sorry Colin, I didn’t know either. I thought I loved her, too. I thought she was the one, too. You don’t deserve this, I’m so sorry; I wanted you to be happy. I thought you really had someone special. I thought I did, too,” I pieced my broken words as I turned and looked at Lindsey, still holding on to her arm, tighter now, as I crashed her back into the corner of the doorway, “you’re fucking disgusting, Lindsey. You fucked us over; how the fuck could you do that to someone? I hope you rot in hell.”

I looked at Colin and we were both in tears. I brushed his shoulder and winced away as I scrunched my face up and couldn’t hold in my sobs anymore. I turned around and blustered out of their hallway. I was humiliated leaving and I was humiliated going back to Sara. After I defended my cheating girlfriend like that. She was right about Lindsey. How could I have hurt Sara like that? I’m horrible. I’m a terrible person. And  _sister._  I made her cry and I left her. I needed to apologize to her.

I didn’t deserve to be happy right now after treating Sara like that. The sound of her body getting smashed against the wall like that and her cries for me to stop had me heartbroken. I spent the elevator ride thinking about an apology to Sara. I hated myself for doing that. She didn’t deserve that. Not one bit.

I got to the top floor and banged on our door. I felt bad that the guys had to be beside us and hear all this commotion. I was still bawling my eyes out of my skull as I yelled for her.

“Sara, it’s me. Please answer.”


	14. Divided

**Sara**

“Sara, please!” I heard Tegan crying uncontrollably from outside, “I’m so sorry, Sara! Please forgive me! I hope you’re not hurt. I don’t have a key can you please let me in!”

I had almost cried myself to sleep with my phone in my hand, about to respond to Stacy’s text.

_Stacy: Tegan told me you were distant from her, too. You know you can tell me anything… Talk to you tomorrow. I love you._

Tegan’s anxious shouting and crying from outside the door had me startled and distracted. My body was still throbbing from the way she threw me. I haven’t felt pain like that in so long and I didn’t expect it to be from Tegan. I really didn’t want to talk to her right now. I was still in tears at the thought of the way she touched me so abusively.

“Sara!” Tegan’s cries became louder, “please come to the door!” I didn’t want Ted and Jasper to wake up since it was already the middle of the night and they’ve heard enough already; I broke down and decided to let her in. Was she here to rub it in my face more that her girlfriend is here? She was so cruel to me.

I creaked the door open to her crying, pained face. Her body was shaking as she uncontrollably choked out sobbing breaths and slowly walked into the room. I poured her a glass of water as I gestured for her to sit on the bed. I didn’t really want to give her a hug right now, still damaged from what she had done to me. I had to be sympathetic, regardless. She probably feels bad now for what she did to me. I’m surprised she didn’t just brush it off until the morning and stayed with Lindsey.

I sat next to Tegan as she sobbed and didn’t say a word for a minute. I wasn’t sure if she was going to say something or if I was supposed to break the silence. She looked up at me with her wet depths and pointed to my shoulder, asking for permission to touch me. I rubbed her leg and nodded at her as she dropped her head down to bawl into me.

“Can you hug me?” Tegan asked, vulnerable and weak.

I wrapped my arms around her and kept her head down at my chest, almost cradling her into my body. My heart broke at the sound of her cries; something was really hurting her right now.

“Did you find Lindsey?” I asked, not knowing what to say to break the silence. My question only made her cry harder. It looked as if she was trying to speak and I waited patiently for her to begin.

“She didn’t come to surprise me,” Tegan rasped, “she didn’t even know I was here.” I kept my mouth shut and let her continue as I rubbed her back and hugged her tighter. I tried not to think about how much she hurt me an hour ago. She buried her head further into my neck and whimpered, “she moved on. She didn’t love me. She just threw me away and didn’t tell me.”

“Tegan, what are you talking about?”

“Remember that ring Colin showed us?” Tegan reminded me. “It was for Lindsey.”

I froze as the words came out of her mouth. I didn’t know what to say, Tegan had been dating Lindsey for five years. Five fucking years. She was going to propose to her soon, she was so deeply in love with her. I felt anger burn in the pit of my stomach that Lindsey could do something like that, even for her.

“Where the fuck is she?” I clenched my fists as I kept them at Tegan’s waist.

“Don’t, Sare,” she grabbed me as I stood up, “don’t do something you’re going to regret.”

“She’s been  _cheating_  on you! Who knows what else she’s done behind your back! What room is she staying at?” I held Tegan by the arm as gently as I could, addressing her out the door to show me where Lindsey was staying.

“Sara!” she pleaded, begging me not to go.

“Tegan,  _please_. I just want to talk to her,” I lied as we stepped into the elevator, “what floor is she on?” She could hear the fury in my voice.

Tegan looked at me and reluctantly pressed button thirty-five on the elevator as she tightened her grasp on my hand. She didn’t have any anger in her body, only sadness. I wasn’t going to let Lindsey get away with this.

“Is Colin there, too?” I asked.

“Yes,” Tegan choked.

“Does he know everything?”

“Yes,” she repeated herself. The elevator door opened and I walked out as I interlaced my fingers with Tegan’s.

“Show me where she is,” I demanded

Tegan unwillingly walked down the hallway and was hesitant to show me Lindsey’s exact room, but I noticed a hotel room door was opened and assumed it was hers. Tegan stared at the room in fear; that was definitely it. Fire rose in my chest as I surged into the doorway and saw Lindsey, barely any tears on her face when she turned around to look at me.

“Where’s Colin, Lindsey?” I interrogated, anger in my voice.

I startled her as she quickly jutted around to face me, serious. “He’s gone,” Lindsey flicked up her gaze at Tegan when she reluctantly stepped into the room. I stared at my sister’s broken face and looked back to Lindsey, the one who caused this pain. I felt so much hate in my body for her right now.

“Don’t you have anything to say to her right now?” I yelled at Lindsey, flicking my wrist up at Tegan.

Lindsey stood still before she spoke, “I’m sorry you had to find out this way, Tegan. I was going to call you tomorrow. If it makes you feel better, Colin just broke up with me. I guess I got what I deserved.”

I was stunned at Lindsey’s words. She didn’t feel any sympathy over Tegan or this entire situation; she clearly just left her for Colin’s money. I didn’t let myself think before I threw myself at Lindsey and slammed her to the ground with all of the rage I had mustered up in my body. I had my legs straddled around her waist and hit her as hard as I could with clenched fists.

I heard Tegan’s loud cries from the doorway, shouting for me to stop, but I couldn’t listen to her. I knocked the wind out of Lindsey when she hit the ground and she didn’t move as I punched her, unable to react quickly to it.

“Are you fucking kidding me Lindsey?” I screamed at her as I held her fists to block her punch, “is that all you fucking have to say to her? She  _loved_  you! She fucking loved you!” I pressed her fists against the ground and punched her again, harder, in the face. Lindsey didn’t say anything back and slapped me right across the face just as I released her fists from my hold on her. I grabbed her by the hair and struck her head against the ground toward Tegan, “look at her, Lindsey! Look at her fucking face! That’s my fucking sister, don’t you ever fucking hurt her! Don’t even fucking think of going near her ever again!”

I looked up at Tegan’s face as we locked stares and the hurt in her eyes distracted me. Lindsey barely acknowledged her; she was focused on me. She pushed me to get up from underneath and crushed me under her onto the ground. I felt every vertebra of my spine bang hard into the ground repeatedly, she was a lot stronger than I had imagined. She had my jaw tightly in her grasp and I braced myself for her blow. I swallowed loud and she smashed her fist into the side of my face and I could hear it crack.

Tegan cried my name as she ran up to me and tried to pull Lindsey off of me. “Get off of her, Lindsey!” she shouted as Lindsey continued to throw punches to my face, Tegan continued to beg Lindsey to get off of me. Not a bone in her body wanted to fight, she tried to grab Lindsey’s arms so that she would stop throwing her fists at me. When Tegan managed to grab hold of her arms so Lindsey wasn’t as strong. I took advantage of her temporary weakness and slammed my knee up into her jaw as I got up from underneath her.

I watched the fear creep onto Tegan’s face, not knowing how much longer this would go on or how this could possibly end. I looked at Lindsey, helpless on the floor as I stood up from under her. Tegan grabbed my hands as tears rushed down her face, “please stop, Sare. I can’t watch this anymore.”

Tegan went over to Lindsey; she sat upright against the bed once she regained air. Tegan reluctantly knelt down onto her. She rested her legs on either side of her as she held Lindsey’s fists away from hitting her. “How could you do this to me, Linds?” She breathed, “I thought we had something special.”

Lindsey glared at me and then brought Tegan closer. She hugged her tight around the waist and felt up and down her body, “Tegan, I’m sorry, baby.”

I couldn’t watch Lindsey touch her anymore, and she didn’t deserved to touch Tegan the way she was. If Tegan believes a word Lindsey says right now I don’t know how I am going to handle it. I couldn’t fight Lindsey anymore after the look in my sister’s eyes; I had to listen to her. I know she’s smarter than this. I don’t want Tegan to do this to herself and try to get her back. I didn’t want Tegan to love her anymore. It started to hurt.

“Is that it? That’s all you have to say?” Tegan looked into Lindsey’s heated eyes waiting for a response. Tegan put her hands onto Lindsey’s, withdrawing them from caressing her body.

“Lindsey, don’t you love me?” Tegan asked another question as she traced Lindsey’s  _me and you_  tattoo.  
“I made a mistake, baby,” Lindsey put Tegan’s arms around her neck. I couldn’t watch this; Tegan looked so vulnerable right now. “Can you just forgive me?”

“You want me to forgive you?” Tegan grimaced, “for getting engaged? You want me to  _forgive_ you?” Tegan laughed in disgust as she organized her words in her mind. “You made a  _mistake?_ ”

Lindsey grabbed onto Tegan’s body again, “I still love you, sweetheart. You know I do.”

“Do you even care about what you did, Lindsey? You fucking cheated on me with a  _guy_  and then you said yes to his hand in marriage after two fucking weeks! You don’t fucking love me, just admit it!”

Tegan waited again for Lindsey to speak, but she kept massaging her body and ignoring everything Tegan was saying. Lindsey barely flinched at Tegan’s anger.

“Don’t fucking touch me, Lindsey!” Tegan lashed her arms out at her, “just please tell me what happened with us!”

Lindsey stared at Tegan, getting ready to answer her questions. She swallowed and corrected herself just as she was about to touch Tegan again. “Tegan, baby. We barely see each other. We’re both busy, okay? It was time for us to move on.” Lindsey couldn’t have been any less sensitive toward Tegan’s feelings right now. I knew we weren’t going to be sleeping at all tonight. My heart broke for her as I just awkwardly stood there, watching them like that.

“It was time for us to  _move on?_ When were you going to fucking  _tell me?_  How can you be so insensitive and cruel, Lindsey? I gave you my heart and every piece of me and you just fucking break it!” Tegan slammed her fists into her chest, bawling.

“Baby, I’m sorry,” Lindsey apologized again as she brushed her fingers through Tegan’s hair.

“No you’re fucking not and don’t you dare fucking touch me!” Tegan mewled out as she slapped Lindsey hard against the face and blasted her fist right against her nose. “And don’t ever fucking hit my sister like that ever again!”

Tegan’s punch made Lindsey draw blood from her nose, but she was still conscious. I grabbed Tegan by the hand and ran with her out of Lindsey’s room. Tegan was still shaken up and rattled as we left so I hugged her hand tighter in mine. “It’s okay, Tee. She didn’t treat you like you deserved,” I comforted her, “you’re gonna find her, I promise.” I smiled at her when I said that, but deep down inside I wanted that girl to be me. I knew that was never going to become reality. We couldn’t really be together like her and Lindsey could. Lindsey had exactly what I wanted and I watched as she took her for granted.

For the whole elevator ride back to the room Tegan’s body was interlocked with mine. She was quiet now and for the most part, her crying had come to an end. I tilted her face up from my chest and wiped away the tears with my thumb as I held her cheek. Lindsey was on her mind and she was still in shock.

I slid the key into the door and hugged Tegan’s waist as I accompanied her into the room. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face. It was three in the morning, yet neither of us was going to be able to sleep. My face had taken so many blows that I just felt like washing it could help me somewhat. When I looked up in the mirror after drying my face, I saw Tegan standing there, sad and desolate.

Tegan came into the bathroom and gave me a tight squeeze as I heard her let out some more tears. “Sare, will you ever let me touch you again after hurting you like that?” she cried harder into my body, “I’m so sorry. I never want to hurt you. Do you still love me?”

I know Tegan never meant to hurt me like that and she was just defending Lindsey, which she was now humiliated for. I could tell she was giving me a genuine apology; Tegan always does. Just like her promises. She was hurting from what happened with Lindsey and also for how she hurt me.

“Yes, I still love you. I’ll always love you, Tee. You really hurt me, though,” I confessed.

“I know, Sare. I know. I’ll never hurt you like that again, I promise. I really am sorry,” Tegan sniveled.

“I know.”

We stayed locked in an embrace as we took in everything at that moment. Tegan had just said goodbye to the past five years of her life with Lindsey as we began to habituate our newfound feelings for each other. Tegan was right; this was going to be tough. We trusted each other that in the end it was going to be worth it.

I turned on the running water and started the shower, making sure that it was hot. Tegan and I looked at each as I put my arms back around her waist. I slid my fingers under her shirt and slowly stripped it off of her body as I kissed her exposed collarbones. I crept down to unbutton her jeans and slipped them down from her hips. She shook them off of her ankles along with her socks and she was left in a black bra and panties.

I stayed down by her waist to kiss her bellybutton, her hips and down to her inner thighs. She needed a release right now, but I wasn’t sure if her mind was going to be there and on me. I wanted the first time I touched her like that to be special. I brushed my hands up and down her legs and along the fabric of her panties. I slipped them off of her and tossed them onto the floor. I went up to her shoulders and kissed the parts of her breasts that weren’t covered by her bra. I fiddled with the clasp resting on her sternum as she let me take off the last piece of clothing covering her.

I took the time to appreciate her bare body and she stared at me as I did. She looked absolutely beautiful. I became breathless as she started to undress me, skin sensitive to everywhere that she touched me. She threw all my clothes onto the ground and she slipped off my panties and unclasped my bra. We admired each other’s identical bodies, vulnerable and exposed, as we stood with our clothes stripped to the floor.

“You’re beautiful, Tee,” I breathed as I kissed her breasts and caressed them with my hands, “is it okay that I’m doing this right now?”

Tegan let out an alluring moan, “Mhm. I’m only thinking of you, Sare.”

It felt so good to touch her like this. I was proud of her for the way she handled everything today and that she understood that Lindsey wasn’t worth her time or tears. Maybe later, but she didn’t let it ruin this moment right now.

“Do you want me to keep going?” I asked as I licked my lips against her body.

“Mmh,” she breathed, “it feels good.”

I kissed the bud of her nipple as I listened to her squirm with pleasure at the touch of her body. I could feel her knees going limp as I sucked harder on her bud into my mouth. She pulled my hair with both hands and I heard her trying to bite back another moan.

“Make love to me, Sare,” she collapsed.

“Get in the shower.”


	15. Displacement

**Tegan**

I untangled my fingers from Sara’s and stepped into the shower just as she told me. I stood under the shower, watching Sara bite her finger between her teeth while she learned my body. I ran my fingers through my hair as I let the water soak me all over. The hot water felt so good on my face, burning away my remaining tears.

“Are you sure, Tee?” Sara repeated as she faltered into the shower. She put her hands on my waist and looked up at me, waiting for my consent. I stroked her cheek as I tried to rid the worry in her eyes.

“I’m sure,” I smiled at her.

“But I don’t want to do this if—“

“I promise, it’s okay,” I interrupted her by placing a finger on her mouth, “I’m hurt by her, but I’m not thinking about her. I wouldn’t want to do this either unless I truly wanted to, not because I want to forget about her. She doesn’t deserve my tears or my sadness. I just want you right now.”

I really meant what I said to Sara. If I were to use her as a rebound, our relationship wouldn’t be starting off right and that’s not what I want to do. Of course I’m ripped apart inside that I spent five years with someone that turned out to be a terrible person, but if that’s who she is then I can’t cry over her. She’s not worth it.

Especially when I have Sara.

And Sara is so in love with me. If she never told me herself, I could tell just by the way she looks into my eyes. I would never let her touch me like this if I was just using her to get back at Lindsey or something foolish like that. I wanted to take my time falling in love with Sara for the right reasons and feel for her what she feels for me.

Sara took my hand from her mouth and kissed it as she played with my fingers. She took both hands between hers as I brought her under the pulsating water with me. We were both wet now. She cupped my cheek as she stuck her knee between my thighs. Sara licked her lips as she let her breath tickle my ears while she lingered. My whole body felt flushed and I inhaled sharply as her lips inched closer to mine.

Our lips were barely touching now as we breathed for each other’s air. Sara pressed her body tightly against mine and sucked my bottom lip into her mouth. She bit down on my lip and I could feel her tongue playing with my labret. She kissed me hard, massaging her tongue with mine as I melted my body further into her. I’m positive she could feel my twitching on her leg underneath me.

All that filled my ears was heavy bouts of exhales between kisses and falling water softening into our intertwined bodies. Sara broke our kiss to turn me around and face the shower wall. She grabbed my hips and pressed her body against mine as she hugged me tight from behind. She rolled her tongue over my ears and bit down on my neck as she held my breasts in her hands and squeezed them harder. I felt my libido shoot up my core as she continued to touch me with her mouth and her hands. I could feel her sweet hums vibrating on my body as she sucked on my skin.

My heavy gasps and shakes came to a halt when she pressured my naked body against the shower wall. She had my hands pinned behind my back as she brushed her lips onto my shoulders and caressed my ribs. She traced the outline of my breasts, which she had pushed up against the wall as she trailed down toward my centre. My nipples became hard from the cold shower wall.

My body jolted again when I knew where she was directing her hands. I put my hands on her arms as I let her move them wherever she wanted. Her breasts were pressed against my back and I could tell she was turned on from what I could feel. She trailed her fingers down to my core and lingered her digits at my lips, teasing to put a finger inside me.

I still had my hands on her wrists as she trailed the other hand up to run through my hair while she gently bit my neck and whispered into my ear. My skin was prickling now and I inhaled sharply at the touch of her wet lips on me.

“Does this feel good for you, my love?” Sara breathed on me.

I didn’t look at her. I kept my eyes shut and breathed in her air, letting out an impatient whimper. “Oh God, Sara. You’re going to tease me again, aren’t you?”

She didn’t torture me any longer. Sara parted my lips with her digits and flicked them against my clit, impressing small circles against me. It made me jerk with pleasure; I was shaky and my heart was pounding.

She continued biting on my neck and lightly traced her fingers on my nipples as she played with them. With her other hand, she pressed her middle finger inside me and listened to my each breath growing heavier than the last. She squeezed her hand against my pussy as she pushed one more finger inside. I could feel my arousal dripping onto her hand as she slowly moved her fingers in and out of me.

“Not gonna tease you, baby,” she husked as she kissed my cheek softly, causing a trail of electricity through my body and I became light-headed.

I moaned and cursed as I breathed into her ear while she talked me through it. Her fingers had my body so overwhelmed with pleasure. I could feel my emotions growing stronger for her in this moment; I could tell how much she loved me by the way she touches and appreciates every inch of my body.

“Come here, baby,” she cooed as she turned me to face her. I kissed her neck and collarbones uncontrollably as she caused my body to shudder. Sara continued to finger me slowly and passionately as our tongues met in another kiss. My knees became weak from how good she made me feel, so I maneuvered myself onto the ledge of the bathtub to sit down. I was almost at my peak now when she started massaging her thumb against my clit. She sucked the bud of my nipple into her mouth. The vibrations from her pleasured moans caused my body to jolt and dig my fingernails as hard as I could into her back. I tried my best not to be loud; it was well into the middle of the night and our bathroom was right against Jasper and Ted’s room. Along with the bedroom, which terrified me.

She had my body unbelievably tense and my breathing was next to nonexistent.

“Do you like it with two fingers, Tee?” She rasped as she flicked her tongue against my ear and squeezed my nipples a little harder.

“Mmh,” I moaned into her ear, not able to form a complete sentence. Or talk for that matter.

“You’re so wet, baby. Can I put another in?”

I felt adrenaline rush through my core as I dug my fingers into her harder, waiting for her to fill me more. “Mhm,” I stuttered into her ear as she waited again for my consent.

She wrapped my trembling legs around her body while she kneeled down to please me. She looked into my eyes and pressed her mouth hard against mine. She pulled her fingers out of me and with her next thrust inside she added another finger. My loud cries broke our kiss when she filled me and I tightened my legs harder around her waist.

“Oh, fuck!” I sobbed with a shaky voice from Sara pulsing into me a little bit faster now. She kissed my face everywhere except my lips as I let my whimpers escape from my opened mouth.

“Is that too much?” Sara asked, slowing her rhythm slightly.

“No, no, Sare. Keep going, baby,” I begged, “Oh, fuck!” I repeated louder as she pressed her hand against my mouth and kissed me gently to quiet my screams.

“Shh. Quiet, Tee,” she ordered. My clit twitched against her thumb as she rubbed me up and down and fucked me slowly. “It feels so good being inside you, baby.”

“Oh, Sare! I’m gonna—“ I couldn’t finish my sentence as I squeezed her biceps and dug my fingernails into the back of her arms. I was surprised I wasn’t hurting her. She pressed her thumb harder against my clit and squeezed her fingers faster in and out of me. I tried not to scream, but my breaths were getting heavier and my body jerking harder. I felt the fire pooling low in my abdomen as Sara rocked into me.

She watched my chest heave up and down as I pressed her body close to mine. Sara pressed her hand onto my arched back as I entangled my fingers through her hair just as I started to come. My resistance wasn’t strong enough and I had to let my screams out of my mouth. Sara held me and kissed my neck up to the corners of my mouth as I cried out a mixture of curse words with her name. In an attempt to quiet me, Sara pressed open lips against mine and I squeezed her hand hard as I rode out my orgasm on her fingers against my pussy.

She slowed her speed inside me as she felt my body relax and I loosened my grip on her hand. Sara took her fingers out of me and massaged the corner of my mouth with her thumb.

“That was amazing,” she smiled up at me as she rested her head down on my chest to kiss my collarbones. “You’re heart’s beating so fast, Tee.”

“It’s because you make me feel so good,” I tilted her chin up and kissed her softly, lingering as I pulled her lip into my mouth and appreciating her taste.

Sara broke our embrace as she turned off the water and wrapped my body in a towel to dry off. She got herself a towel and stepped out of the shower. She wrapped herself up in that white towel she had on the first time we had sex—the reason we had sex that day. The way she looked had me so turned on. She looked so cute and sexy and it drove me wild. I caught myself looking at her in a different way this time.

I think I’m falling in love with her.

Sara reached out her hand for me to hold. “Come on, do you know how long we’ve been up? Everyone’s gonna be up in a few hours, we have to get some sleep.”

“You say it like it’s my fault; you’re the tease, Sara.”

Sara giggled as she threw me onto the bed, threw our towels off and got under the covers, pressing our naked bodies up against each other. I couldn’t get enough of her. She caressed my cheek and smiled, letting out just a tear from her eye.

“You’re so strong, Tee. I admire you for that,” she spoke.

I smiled back up at her. Her cell phone ringer went off and seeing a message from Stacy distracted us. It was just sitting there on her bed as the screen lit up.

_Stacy: Baby, please respond. I’m worried about you. I love you so much._

Sara and I looked at each other with guilt as reality sank back in, no matter how perfect this moment was. Our love was still forbidden.

“Sara, text her back right now! Stacy’s your girlfriend. You’re the world to her and she loves you and misses you like crazy.”

“This is so complicated, Tee.”

“I know it is, Sare. And we’re lying to her, I feel awful. But unless you say it, I don’t want to let you go. I’ve made up my mind that this was all going to be worth it in the end,” I reasoned.

Sara froze as she looked up at me, hesitant to speak, “What will that look like, Tee? We can’t be together.”

“I don’t know, Sare. But trust me, it’s going to be worth everything. I promise you that. You love Stacy; don’t ruin you two because of us. She’s a sweet girl. You’ll always have me, no matter what.”

“I love you more, Tee,” Sara confessed, staring at me and waiting for me to speak.

“So what do you want to do?”

“I can’t keep doing this behind her back,” Sara was serious now.

“Just tell me when, Sare.”

Sara grabbed my hand and held it against her chest, disappointment in her eyes. “How are you so quick to let me go, Tee?”

I rubbed my fingers against hers to calm her down, “Sare, I have to be realistic and respect your relationship with her. I just want you to be happy.”

“But I’m not happy unless I’m with you,” she pressed my hands against her lips.

“What about Stacy?”

“She’s not you, Tee.”

I sighed out a deep exhale as I tried to be the realistic one of the two of us. “Sare, I respect whatever decision you choose.”


	16. Half-hearted

**Sara**

Tegan felt my tears drop onto her chest as she held me tight. She tilted my chin up at her and looked at me with concerned eyes.

“Sara, what’s wrong?”

I sniffled a cry as I let my tears escape quietly, “Why aren’t you fighting for me, Tee? I love you so much; you can’t just let me go that easy. I know you feel something for me. I know you do. If I tell you I want to be with Stacy, then that’s it?”

Tegan brushed her thumb away from the corners of my eyes to dry my tears. She gathered her thoughts before she spoke, organizing them and not wanting to hurt me any further.

“I don’t want you to leave Stacy for a relationship that can’t go public. You have a real relationship with her. You can have a family with her and it wouldn’t be frowned upon. I don’t want to take that away from you. You deserve someone who can love you as much as she does,” Tegan reasoned.

I translated that last sentence in my mind. It wasn’t like me to be this vulnerable in relationships; that was usually left for Tegan. She was being realistic about everything—her breakup with Lindsey, my relationship with Stacy, our secret love affair with each other. I’m not sure I liked it. I wanted her to love me hopelessly and refuse me to be with Stacy.

“You don’t love me?” I looked in her eyes with more tears birthing from my eyes.

“Sara, I love you so much. Don’t ever forget that I do,” she pulled me closer and kissed my lips passionately as she held my jaw tight. “If you don’t let go, I’m not gonna let go. You’re worth the fight; I’m gonna fight for you as long as you let me. These feelings I have for you are still so new; you have to give me time and let me fall  _in_  love with you. It’s only been two days since I’ve felt this, Sare. Love takes time. And I’m already so crazy about you. I  _am_ falling in love with you. Don’t ever forget that. I want to say it when it feels right and at the right moment. Not after Lindsey and I just broke up. I want it to be special.”

“Okay, Tee. I understand. But what about Stacy? I don’t feel right doing this behind her back.”

“I think you shouldn’t ruin your relationship with her. It’s your only chance at a normal one. But I can’t tell you what to do, Sare.”

“But then what about us? I can’t be with both of you.”

“I was kind of thinking you could,” Tegan sneered.

I hit Tegan’s shoulder and shock lit up my face, “Tegan, you’re terrible! You know how it feels to be cheated on!”

“Sare, I feel bad. Honestly, I do. And it’s not like Lindsey was cheating on her twin sister, it’s kinda different,” Tegan tried to reason again. I really don’t see how it is. “But what are you gonna do, tell her? You think she’s going to beard for us and be okay with it?”

“Well, no—”

“Then are you going to break up with her and be with me publicly?” Tegan disputed again.

“Well, it’s not fair to her if I’m with you. And it’s not fair to you if I’m with her. I wouldn’t be giving either of you my whole heart. I don’t want to do that. It’s just not fair, Tegan.”

“I’d rather half of your heart than none,” Tegan defended.

“Tee, she has a right to know.”

“To  _know,_ ” she repeated.

“Okay, well no. She doesn’t deserve me only loving her half-heartedly. She deserves more than that. I can’t keep cheating.”

Tegan waited for me to continue. This was complicated, but now it was hard, too. Stacy doesn’t deserve me leaving her, especially without an explanation. But it was the only way for me not to live with this guilt and still be with Tegan.

“So what does that mean, Sare?”

“I’m going to have to…break up with her.”

Tegan’s heart broke for Stacy, but there was nothing she could say about my decision. She didn’t want to control me. We both really did care for her and it seemed like the only solution to me.

“Sara, just please text her right now.” Tegan begged, “She’s worried sick about you. Don’t do that to her.”

I reached for my phone while staying in Tegan’s warm embrace. I slid it to unlock it and looked at Stacy’s text.

_Stacy: Baby, please respond. I’m worried about you. I love you so much._

I read the text over and over again and my heart started pounding. I felt terrible for what I was thinking, but it had to be done. She deserved more than me. I couldn’t give her the unconditional love that I wanted her to have. I took in a deep breath and started to type a message to her.

_Sara: Hi Stace I’m so sorry. We’ve been going through some things since we got here. I’m sorry I’ve been so distant you don’t deserve that. Call me tomorrow, okay? Goodnight babe._

I looked at the message over and over again before I sent it. I felt awful not writing  _I love you_  back, but I didn’t want to fuck up this situation more than I already did. Stacy didn’t deserve any of this and definitely not anymore lies.

Send.

I watched the blue bar on the topmost part of my phone screen as the text message was being sent to the clouds. From message sending to delivered. It was sent. I tried to repress my guilt as I set the phone down by the night table.

Tegan kissed my forehead and I could tell she knew exactly how I was feeling in that moment. She rubbed my back while holding me close and we didn’t say anything. Tegan broke the silence.

“It’s okay, Sare. I really do respect whatever you decide. Please know that, okay? I’m going to be here for you no matter what. I’m not going to let any outcome hurt our relationship. I know you want me and only me. But if you were to stay with Stacy, just know that I’m always going to love you. We’re going to get through all of this together. I promise everything is going to be okay. Look at what I just went through tonight, we’re going to make it through this. I have you. You have me,” Tegan was serious as she took my hands to her chest.

“This is why I love you, Tee,” I melted myself into her and laid my head to rest i the crook of her neck. She smelled so good; there was nothing I loved more than having her close to me. I felt complete and elated as the butterflies constantly invited themselves into the pit of my stomach.

Until I thought about how I’ve hurt Stacy.

“Hey, Sare?” Tegan broke the silence again.

“Mhm?” I was so relaxed in her embrace like this.

“There’s a few things I want to do tomorrow. If I’m not here when you wake up, that’s why.”

“What kind of things?” I asked as I kept my head rested on her.

“It’s a surprise,” she keened, running her fingers through my hair.

“Oh,” I looked up at her and smiled, “okay.”

Tegan continued to stroke my hair and then my cheek, “Well, I guess I mean  _today_.”

I had almost forgot we had to go to sleep; I could see light fighting to shine through the blackout shades. “What time is it?”

“Six,” Tegan announced nonchalantly.

“Oh my God!”

“My thoughts exactly; time flies when you’re having an affair with your sister,” Tegan smirked at her words.

“Fuck off, Tegan!” I yelled as I hit her shoulder, “You always know how to ruin a moment, don’t you?”

Tegan laughed like she always does when she made me angry. She loved getting a rise out of me; I could see it on her face. I stopped for a moment and got distracted by her smile; she really did look at me differently. She did look in love; maybe she just didn’t want to tell me yet.

I believed that she did.

She cupped her hand to my cheek of my frozen face as I watched her, breaking me from my gaze.

“You’re so cute,” she continued to laugh at me as she caressed me.

“Adorable,” I mocked.

“You love me,” she teased back.

“I do, actually.”

“Tell me you love me,” Tegan quipped.

“I love you, Tee,” I responded as I kissed her hard, “I love you so much.”

“That makes me happy to hear you say that,” she looked at me with nothing but bliss on her face. She had gone through so much today and she was only thinking of me. My heart felt like it skipped as I heard her say that.

“It makes me happy that I can tell you that,” I smiled at her again and stared into her deep brown depths.

Tegan buried her face next to mine and we could feel each other’s breath as we breathed softly. For the first time in a while, I knew everything was going to be okay. “Night, Tee,” I whispered.

“Goodnight, beautiful.”


	17. Hard

Tegan was gone when I woke, just as she warned me. She had brought me breakfast again. She was so thoughtful. I stretched my arms up over my head and still had her smell on my fingers. Before I got out of bed I opened the blackout shade with the press of a button. It was a beautiful day out already. However it was already eleven in the morning. That’s sleeping in for me. A lot.

I paced myself over to the bathroom and checked out my already naked body. I noticed a few hickeys on my chest and neck, reminding me of last night and making me smile as I felt them. I took a quick shower and got my clothes out for the day. I stood in front of the mirror for a good hour fooling around and getting ready. Tegan said it was a surprise, so I thought it would be smart to dress nice today. I had music blasting as I got ready.

I didn’t expect Stacy to call me until later; she was nine hours behind in LA and was hopefully sleeping right now. Hopefully not worrying much about me either. I didn’t know how I was going to do this. Long distance breakups were definitely tacky in my opinion—and cruel. It just shows how little someone meant to you. I wasn’t going to do that under any circumstances. No matter how long we are gone touring for, it wouldn’t be worth it.

My thoughts were startled by a firm knock on the door. I was about ready and decent, at the very least, so I made my way out of the bathroom and opened the door.

“Ted! Hi!” I was happy to see him and he caught me as I jumped into his arms for a hug.

“Good morning,” Ted smiled, “how’s it going?”

“Everything’s good! Do you want to come in?”

“Yeah,” Ted dropped me down as he let me walk back into the room first. I sat down on the couch, resting my legs up on the coffee table after getting him and myself a glass of water.

“Are you guys having fun here, so far?” I asked, smiling at him as I took a sip of water.

“Lots of fun,” Ted smiled back at me uncomfortably as his expression turned into bare content to displeasure. I took another sip as I looked at him, expecting him to keep talking. He looked cumbersome making eye contact with me as he took a breath and I swallowed my water and set the glass away from my face. The silence continued, as he seemed to be at a search for words. I had to break it; he made me nervous.

“What?”

“I need to talk to you about something, but I don’t know how to say it,” Ted pitched.

I felt adrenaline rise through my body; Tegan agreed that Ted probably knew since he came in early and we didn’t know. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions; maybe it was another uncomfortable topic he didn’t want to talk about. Oh God I hope so.

“You can have a raise, Ted.”

He laughed, “That’s not what I want to talk about, Sara.” He paused; I was going to wait for him to continue and not speak. I knew I didn’t want to hear this, but it was coming. I looked at him with impatience and anxiety as he organized his thoughts to speak.

“Stacy’s been calling Jasper,” Ted started as he waiting for me to respond.

“And?” I waited for the point.

“She’s been asking him why you’ve been so distant from her,” he elabourated.

“Oh,” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Yeah,” he waited again, “this is the part I don’t want to talk about, but…”

He paused again. This was so painful, “…I know why you guys have been distant.”

I gripped my glass tighter. I didn’t want to be having this talk with him right now. Or ever. I felt my palms getting sweaty and I didn’t want to speak. I had to say something, this was already uncomfortable for the both of us as it is.

“Where’s Tegan?” Ted asked, trying to change the subject.

“She’s out running some errands,” I let out a much needed sigh and breathed in deep again. “Okay, Ted. Just say it, get it over with. The isn’t comfortable for the both of us.” I closed my eyes, waiting for what I was dreading to hear most.

“I just thought you should know before Stacy gets finds out and gets hurt,” Ted stalled.

“Ted…”

“Okay,” Ted turned to face me, “you know I was here the night before Jasper came. Do I really have to say anything else?”

I tensed up my body, not able to take any more suspense and just wanted him to say it. “Ted, please just tell me and get it over with.”

“I heard you and Tegan that night,” Ted finally spat it out, still not wanting to say it.

I put the glass down and put my hands over my face, embarrassed. “What did you hear?”

“ _Everything_ , Sara. I heard you guys having sex,” hearing those words from Ted cut me like a knife, “I see the hickeys on your neck, Sara. Only one of your beds is slept in.” I started to hyperventilate; I had to get my puffer.

“Sara,” Ted spoke my name as he watched me torment myself. He moved closer to me and put his hand on my back. “Sara, it’s okay. I’m not judging you. You can talk to me about it if you need to. I just wanted you to know what’s been going on.”

There were so many things I had to say. My heavy breathing broke into heavy sobs, “you’re not  _judging_  me? Are you kidding me, Ted? I’m disgusting.”

Ted pulled me into a hug and he held my back as I bawled into him, “Sara, no you’re not.”

“Does Jasper know?” I asked, hesitant for the answer.

“No. I’m not going to tell him. As far as I know, Stacy doesn’t know either, but she knows something’s off.”

I managed to let out a “thanks” in between my sobs. He held me as my body rose up and down in pained cries, still humiliated that he knew.

“Do you want to talk about it, Sara?” Ted offered, actually not seeming judgmental.

I tried to level out my emotions and slow my tears, “I couldn’t help it, Ted; I fell in love with her. I was going to keep it to myself, but she found out.”

“Did Lindsey think anything?” Ted asked, not knowing anything that happened over the past few days.

“You didn’t hear?”

“Hear what?”

“Last night. I thought it was loud enough for you to hear; Lindsey’s been cheating on Tegan.”

Ted stopped rubbing my back and I felt the shock move into his body, “What?”

“Yeah,” I reinstated as I looked up at him. “Remember that photographer Colin was talking about proposing to? It was Lindsey. He proposed to her yesterday and she said  _yes.”_

“Oh my God.” Ted breathed in distress, “Poor Tegan. I thought I heard her crying in the middle of the night. Is she okay?”

“Yeah,” I tried to form a smile up at him, “she’s strong.”

“She’s here?” Ted questioned again.

“Yeah. It’s a long story, but Tegan thought she was coming up to Verona to surprise her. She saw her location was set to Verona on Tegan’s phone when they were messaging. So she found her room…and she saw Colin’s ring on her finger.”

“So does Colin know?”

“Yeah, he does. I think he left her.”

“Lindsey’s terrible,” Ted sounded angry that she could do something like that to Tegan, “so she doesn’t know about you two.”

“No. She doesn’t need to know,” I defended.

“What do you think about Stacy?”

“I need to tell her, Ted. I can’t carry the guilt anymore. She deserves to know.” I reasoned, “Can you give me your input? I’m going crazy.”

“Honestly, Sara. If you’re in love with Tegan, I support you two. It’s not disgusting; don’t hate yourself for falling in love with her. It’s love. It happens. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. But I don’t think you should bring Stacy into this. You’re gonna have to pick one or the other.”

“That’s what I think too, Tegan thinks I should stay with Stacy and not hurt her.”

“Either way, Stacy’s not going to like it. You might as well put her out of her misery now before it gets any worse.”

“You’re right, Ted. But what Tegan and I feel for each other, that’s not normal. It’s not right.”

“If you love her, you can’t help it Sara. Don’t overcomplicate it,” he made me feel a little better and less atrocious.

I looked up at him, “You mean that?”

“Yeah, I don’t think any differently of you two. But you have to talk to Stacy,” he brought me back to reality again.

We flicked our gazes up to the front door and watched the knob turn after we heard the click of the key sliding out. “Honey, I’m home!” Tegan yelled through the door, chuckling on her way in as she said it, looking down and then towards the door to shut it. Tegan looked up at me on the couch, sitting next to Ted. Her smiling face turned to stone.

“Hi, Tegan.”

Tegan looked at Ted, startled. She came in carrying two solid black bags in her hands. Was that her surprise? That made everything really fucking obvious if it wasn’t before. Tegan noticed my face was puffy from crying and she watched it as she stashed the bags into the closet.

“Hi!” she screeched in a higher pitch than usual, trying to block out the sounds of her nerves.

“He knows, Tee,” I said bluntly.

“Yeah, I figured,” Tegan’s voice went back down to her regular pitch.

Ted got up from the couch and gave Tegan a hug, “I’m so sorry about Lindsey, Tegan.” Her face turned to gloom, “Thanks, Ted.” She kept hugging him for a brief moment, “it sucks, but I’ll survive.” Tegan looked over Ted’s shoulder and looked at me serious with a small smile and loving eyes.

“I know you’re strong, and you have us always.” He let go of their hug, “And Sara.”

“Yeah,” Tegan tried to beat around the bush, “so what’s your opinion on all this?”

“I think you girls need to talk to Stacy.”

“Yeah? What about?”

“Really, Tegan?” I almost lashed out at her.

“Well, do we talk to her about  _us,_ or…?” Tegan went on.

“It seems like Sara’s mind is made up. I gave her my opinion, and I think she has to make a decision before anyone gets really hurt,” Ted shared, “I think Sara should end things with Stacy first and foremost.”

The blunt truth was spoken again and I hated hearing it. Ted was being really understanding, I needed that right now, though. I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t a monster, regardless of it being the truth or not.

My phone rang and startled me, breaking me from my thoughts. I feared looking at who the caller was. It could only be one person. I flipped my phone up and hesitated my eyes toward the screen.

It was Stacy.

“I have to take this.”

Ted and Tegan looked at each other and then over to me. I stood up from the couch and made my way into the hallway for privacy. I shut the door behind me and answered the call.

“Hi Stace,” I tried to inflict cheer in my voice.

“Hi baby, I’ve missed you.” I could hear Stacy smiling on the other end that she could finally hear my voice. It was good to hear hers, too. She really was sweet.

“I’m so sorry about the past few days, how’s everything been over there?”

“Everything’s good. You just had me worried about you. I haven’t heard your voice since that party.”

“I know, Stacy. I feel terrible.” I really did.

“It’s okay, baby. So, what’s going on over there, you said you guys have been going through stuff?”

“Oh, yeah.” I stalled, “Tegan’s in a little rough shape. She just found out that Lindsey was cheating on her last night.”

“Lindsey’s _cheating_  on her? That’s terrible! What happened?”

“We made friends with this guy Colin—super nice, sweet guy. He was showing us this gorgeous engagement ring for his girlfriend and…Tegan gave him a proposal idea and everything. They were only dating two weeks and he already wanted to propose,” I explained.

“So, what does this guy have to do with Lindsey?” Stacy asked, confused.

“Well, two nights ago, Tegan’s phone said Lindsey was in Verona. So we thought Lindsey came to surprise her. She went and found her room and she saw that Lindsey was wearing Colin’s ring. She said yes to his engagement, could you believe that?”

“Wait, Lindsey got with a guy?”

“Yeah.” I confirmed.

“Did she sleep with him?” She questioned again.

“Probably.”

“She loves him?” Asking more questions.

“I guess so, but he had a lot of money.”

“So that’s her fiancé?”

“Yeah,”  _what was she getting at?_  “Well, I am pretty sure Colin left once he found out Lindsey was cheating on him.

“Is she questioning her sexuality? Or is she bisexual? Were they together before?”

“I don’t think so. To all of those.”

“This happened two nights ago?”

“Last night,” I answered her millionth question.

“Oh,” Stacy went silent.

“Everything okay?” I asked, curious for her questions and then the sudden silence.

“Yeah.”

We stayed on the phone, silent. I was wondering if I should be worrying; Stacy was barely ever quiet. Always talkative and upbeat.

“Hey, Sare?” She spoke up.

“Yeah?”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

“I do, Stace.” Fuck.

“Is there anything else that you guys are going through?”

“No, that’s it.”  _I’m just having an affair with my sister behind your back and I feel horrible_ , “she’s not taking it well, Stace.”

“I wouldn’t expect her to,” Stacy said.

“Yeah, I’m trying to be there for her.”  _I make love to her every night, so she’s not too sad about it._

“I’m glad you’re there for her, she needs you as much as possible right now. She was crazy for Lindsey,” Stacy said, almost quietly.

“I’m glad, too.”  _Now she’s crazy about me._

“Hey, Sara I’m gonna let you go.” She sounded distant; I couldn’t put my finger on why.

“You sure everything’s okay?”

“Mhm,” she murmured.

“Okay, bye Stace.”

“Love you.”

“I love you, too,” I responded back to her as I ended the call, a little confused as to why she sounded like that. I walked back into the room to Tegan and Ted having a heart-to-heart about the situation at hand.

“Did I miss anything?” I asked them.

“I just told her what I told you, Sara.”

“Okay.”

“Your secrets safe with me, guys. You should really come to our door soon so we can, you know, rehearse soon. Jasper’s gonna start getting suspicious, too. He just thinks Stacy’s overreacting cause you haven’t been this distant physically from her in a while.”

“You can tell him about Lindsey and I, or I will. Doesn’t matter,” Tegan mentioned, “it’ll make more sense why Sara was distant anyway. She had to be there for me.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Ted came up to me to give me a hug. “I’m gonna give you guys some time alone together, you probably need to talk about some things.” He went over to hug Tegan goodbye now. “Just know that you can talk to me anytime and I’m just a room away.”

“Thanks Ted,” Tegan said.

“And also remember that I’m  _just a room away_ , I don’t want a repeat of my first night here. And I don’t want Jasper asking me questions.”

“Okay, we know!” I interrupted him, embarrassed for him to bring up that night ever again. Ted laughed as he walked out and shut the door behind him.

Tegan and I stared at each other as we were alone, listening to and appreciating the silence. We stood across from each other, taking in everything again that happened today. He took it well, though. That was lucky.

I looked at Tegan and raised my arms up, inviting her in for a hug. Tegan had an exhausted look on her face as she came in to me. She threw her arms under mine and around my waist and gently squeezed me. “Together, Sare.”

“Mhm,” I breathed as I hugged my arms around her overtop of her shoulders and relaxed them down.

“Ow! Watch my arm, Sare.”

I gave her a confused look as she said that, “What happened to your arm?” I asked, as I gently pulled off her leather jacket, zipper first and then sleeve-by-sleeve. I looked at her face the whole time I undressed her of her jacket; she had a cute, devious look on her face as if she was waiting for me to notice something.

I looked at her arm, bandaged up in white gauze around her bicep. “Did you get a new tattoo?”

She smiled at me, gesturing for me to unravel the dressing. And so I did, eager to what she had done. Was this the surprise?

I gently held her arm after I took off the bandaging. She got another tattoo. It was a silhouette of her and I from the Sainthood photo shoot behind bars with a picture of a tiger. I lightly brushed my finger over the words.

“Justify my love.”


	18. Exposure

**Tegan**

“Do you like it?”

Sara didn’t say anything as she brushed her fingers along my arm, studying the new ink. She looked pensive and as if she were learning every part of it.

“Yeah,” Sara looked up at me, serious, and into my eyes.

“I got it for us, because I’m going to fight for you. We don’t need to prove our love to anyone. I want you to know that and I don’t ever want you to let go,” Tegan breathed.

“Then don’t,” Sara took my hands as she smiled up at me; a tear came from her eye. “I love you, Tee,” she whispered as she pulled me closer. I wanted to say it back; my love for her was growing stronger every time she looked at me like that. I want it to be perfect when I say it. I guess this would have been a good time, but it just didn’t seem right. She kissed me along my jaw until her mouth met mine, holding her by the waist and under her clothes so that I could feel her skin.

She broke the kiss and smiled, “that was the surprise.”

“Yeah, that,” I let go of her body and walked over to the closet. “I got some other things, too.” I picked up the opaque black bags, not knowing what her reaction was going to be.

“You didn’t,” she looked embarrassed.

“I did,” I said laughing at her.

“Ted totally saw you with those, Tegan!”

“Oh, calm down, Sara. He knew about us anyway,” I blunted, “aren’t you gonna ask what I got?”

“I think I know, already,” Sara’s face turned red as she covered her hands to her eyes.

“Don’t be such a square, Sare. I’ve had sex with you before, I remember all the dirty things you said to me and what a slut you are,” I teased.

“Oh my God, Tee!” She sat down on the bed; I completely embarrassed her. Again.

I stared at her from the closet, trying to hold in my laughter from her facial expression as she kept her hands at her face. I was going to keep the silence going until she broke it; I knew she could feel me looking at her. She eventually separated her fingers from her eyes so that she could see me.

“Okay fine! Come here!” She gave up and broke the silence.

I walked over with both bags, still snickering under my breath. “I love it when you play hard to get, Sare.”

“I’m not playing!” She yelled as I sat down next to her, handing her one of the bags.

“Yeah, okay. Go on. You’ll like it, I promise,” I said as I kissed her and put my hand on her leg.

Sara swallowed nervously as she looked at the bag and pulled out a box. She knew exactly what it was before I even handed it to her.

“Open it,” I encouraged her as she closed her eyes in discomfiture, but I could tell she liked it. She took it out of the box and timidly brushed her fingers along the toy.

“A strap-on,” Sara flicked her eyes up at me, remembering when I mentioned what I wanted to do.

“I want to use it on you,” I admitted, kissing her neck intensely. “You know, like in your dream.”

Sara didn’t say anything, but I could feel her swallow hard again when I kissed her. She was flustered just like the last time I brought up the dream. I don’t know why she was so embarrassed about it; she had to let her guard down eventually. It was cute when she was nervous, but when she took control like that the first time we had sex—it was unbelievably sexy.

She breathed in a shaky, deep breath. “Yeah?”

I pulled her jaw toward me and kissed her hard on the mouth, then to her cheeks. Her body was already trembling. “Only if you want me to, Sare.” Kind of a rhetorical question; I knew she did.

“Mhm,” she breathed out with a crack in her voice, gripping onto the dildo.

“I’m not convinced,” gently gliding my lips along her hickeys I left from yesterday as she jerked in pleasure.

“Oh God, Tee. Why do you do this to me?”

“What am I doing, Sare?”

“You’re making me nervous,” she admitted the obvious.

“I’m not doing it on purpose,” I was kissing her collarbones now, “you’re doing it to yourself. Just relax, Sare.”

“That’s what you told me in my dream.”

“Does it turn you on?” I asked, inching down to her breasts.

She clutched the strap on harder in her hands; I could feel the adrenaline rushing through her, “Kind of.”

I decided to be the tease to her this time, “Just kind of?” I repeated as I guided my hands to her breasts, avoiding her nipples.

She moaned from the tormenting, “Yes, it turns me on.”

“Let go of that; it’s freaking you out. Come here.” I took my hands off of her and gestured to the toy, moving myself up against the headboard from the edge of the bed, “Don’t be nervous, babe.”

Sara crawled up from the edge of the bed and I gestured her to sit on top of me as I sat upright. She licked her lips as she looked down the whole time she came up to straddle her legs around my hips. She took a breath in and smiled as she met my gaze.

“It’s just us, Sare, it’s okay,” I comforted her and got distracted by the look on her face, “you’re so beautiful.”

I waited for her to make a move, hoping it would bring her walls down. She looked into my eyes and to my lips, licking hers again, “So do you, Tee,” she whispered as she stood still, inching her body closer to mine as we stared. I stood still as well, still waiting for her to do something.

She looked up to my eyes and down to my lips again with a shy smile on her face. I massaged small circles on her back and held her closer to reassure her that she didn’t have to be so tense. She shuddered herself closer to me slowly, mouth to mine. Our lips met and then our tongues. I studied her body with my hands as I held her—so warm and soft. She had her arms around my waist too; I could feel her arousal starting from between her legs through her leggings as she pushed herself up against me. I took a deep breath in between her kiss at the thought of how wet I now knew she was.

“You taste good, Tee,” Sara smiled up at me after breathing in my air.

I giggled at her innocence as I slipped her jacket off. She continued to give me gentle kisses on the mouth as I worked to undress her, not wanting to break our kiss.

“Hey, Tee,” she parted her lips from mine as I threw her jacket, “I thought you had another bag, did you get other toys?”

I brushed her hair back, “Yeah, I did. But I don’t think you’re ready to see the rest; I think you’re still shocked by the strap-on.”

Sara shot me a look and didn’t speak.

“What?”

Sara adjusted herself on me as she looked like she was at a search for words, “I’m not shocked, I want to. I’m just—I haven’t,” she paused as she stuttered. I waited for her to continue while caressing up and down her body again, “I’ve never had that inside me before.”

Oh my fuck. My eyes widened at my increased desire to have sex with her right now. She waited for me to respond, embarrassed that she revealed that and watched me as I held in my breath, forgetting I was supposed to exhale. I could feel myself getting weaker at the thought of her being a virgin to a strap-on.

“But, your dream—“

“I know.”

“So, I guess I’m kinda taking your virginity,” I quipped, raising my brows.

“Sure, Tegan,” she mocked, not impressed.

“I’ll go slow,” I kissed her neck delicately, “can we still reenact your dream, though? It was so sexy. And the fact that you’ve never done it before, oh my God,” I went on, hot and bothered by her innocence.

“I need to be drunk for this,” she joked, still shy about it.

“Oh fine, Sare,” I laughed, heaving her off of me as I went to the fridge to pour two glasses of white wine. “Here you go, my love.”

“To new things,” I clinked her glass against mine as we took sips. I put my glass down and started kissing her cheek as she kept sipping hers. I grabbed mine for another sip before I started playing with her hair and took in her smell. My heart lit up as I watched her giddiness as she drank from her glass, watching from the corner of her eye as I appreciated her body. I moved myself to sit behind her and straddled my legs on either sides of her, persisting to kiss her neck until she was done her glass.

“Are you done?” She laughed adorably, referring to me kissing her.

“Do you want me to be?” I probed, still kissing her and now hugging my arms around her waist.

“No,” she smiled and took another sip of white wine.

I stole her wine glass to drink the last sip and reached over to the night table to set it down. Sara’s mouth opened as she looked at me, smiling, trying to hold in a laugh, “Tegan!” She griped as I pulled her body up overtop of me while my head hit the pillow.

“You took too long.”

Sara smirked at me foolishly and initiated the kiss, brushing her lips against mine as she rolled her tongue along my mouth. She sucked on my bottom lip and gently bit it, playing with my labret. I could taste the wine on her lips and feel the arousal emerging between her legs as she sunk down to my hips.

“I want you so bad right now, Sare,” I confessed.

She licked her lips as she broke our kiss and started again, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I cupped her jaw and pulled on her lower lip with my thumb. “There’s so many things I want to do to you right now.”

I could see her guard being let down, but it wasn’t the wine; she only had a glass. I’m sure it helped calm her, though. I ran my hands over her arms, down her waist to underneath her shirt as she kissed me. I paused for a second for her permission but she didn’t flinch, so I kept going at a steady pace. I had my thumbs against her ribs and pressed my fingers against her back, holding her up as we took our time in the kiss.

I used my hands to sit her upright as I followed, still straddling her legs around my hips. I heard her let out a small moan through our mouths as I pushed her up. I gripped the bottom edge of her shirt and lifted it up over her head, feeling every inch of her body with every move and breaking our kiss. She reached for my shirt and took it off, too, throwing it on the floor next to hers.

I watched her exposed body as she looked down at her laced, white bra. She had a timid smile on her face as she fiddled with the clasp behind her back and undid it. She held the ends of each clasp in her hands, pausing before she let them go. I brushed my fingers across her ribs as she couraged to let her hands go of her bra as she threw that onto the floor, too. Sara watched me as I admired her body. She took my hands to her breasts as she kissed my collarbones and down to my sternum.

She lowered the straps off of my shoulders and took her hands to unclasp my bra, letting my breasts fall and throwing the material over to the clothes pile on the floor. Sara pushed me back down to the bed with her forceful kisses on my breasts. I started to become overwhelmed with pleasure at the touch of her breasts and her mouth on mine. Her mouth trailed down to my nipple, flicking her tongue over the bud and her fingers over the other as she listened to my pleasured moans.

“What do you want to do to me, Tee?” Sara rasped with her breasts pressed against my stomach.

“Oh fuck!” I cried out.

“Do you know what I want to do to you?” She provoked, kissing down to my stomach and my hipbones. “You know, I never got to taste you yet,” she breathed, unbuttoning my jeans and slipping them off my legs, along with my panties. She took the backs of my legs and spread them while kissing my inner thighs back up to my centre. Her tongue was so soft on my body as she massaged it over my skin. My body jerked, as her lips got closer to where I wanted them most. I could feel her licking her lips and her breath on me, teasing me as I waited for her to press them against my body. I took in a deep breath as she tormented me.

I cursed out again, forfeiting to be the one in control. She sucked her two fingers into her mouth and pressed them up against my clit, rubbing small circles into me. She kissed my hipbones again, “Does that feel good?”

I moaned in response to her question, pressing my lips together as I nodded, not saying a word. “Yeah?” She breathed and kissed me further down. “I’ll do whatever you tell me too, Tee,” fuck she was so sexy when she talked like that, still a little shy in her voice. “You want me to kiss you here?” She went on as she dipped her tongue inside me. My back arched at the touch of her mouth on me, flicking her tongue against me.

“Oh fuck, Sare!” I cried out, trying to keep my voice down.

“Tell me what you want, Tee.”

“Oh my god,” I moaned as she parted my lips to go deeper, “Don’t stop, Sare.” I brushed my fingers, tugging her hair and grinding my hips to her face. She had her hands on my hips to pull me closer as I wrapped my legs tighter around her. I was starting to feel the bit of alcohol that I had consumed now, feeling intoxicated and dizzy from what she was doing to me.

She put her tongue on my clit and pressed two fingers inside me, stroking my g-spot. She took her fingers out and sucked them into her mouth, “you taste so good, Tee.” She looked up at me as she tasted me and watched my shaking body as I worked hard to bite back moans.

“Just lie back and let me make you come, Tee,” Sara ordered, licking the last bit of her fingers and pushing them back inside me, harder. I clenched my stomach and gripped the pillow behind me as she fucked me. I felt the pressure rising from my core turning into trails of fire in my stomach. I was coming close as she started flicking her tongue against my swollen clit. My body fumbled and dissolved into pleasure, overwhelmed by Sara rubbing her face on my pussy.

I felt my muscles contracting against her fingers as she slowed her speed, “Seems like you’ve had enough; think I should let you come, Tee?”

I whimpered out in response of her torturing me and cried out, “Please let me come, Sare.”

“I don’t know,” she teased as she continued to stroke me slowly.

“Oh fuck, Sare. I can’t take anymore teasing. Please!” I begged and sobbed out.

“Are you still gonna fuck my brains out in a minute?” She started to pick up her speed again, letting me climax. Her dirty talk drove me insane.

“Fuck, Sara, Yes, oh God, yes!” I answered her, begging for her to put me over the edge.

“Your pussy is so fucking wet, Tee. Come in my mouth right now,” she demanded as she sped up her rhythm, tightening her grip and pressing her face deep against my clit.

“Oh my fucking God!” I shrieked as I rode out my orgasm in her mouth and she slowed her fingers again once my body stopped shuddering and began to relax. Sara laid her body beside mine as she watched me calm down from my high, kissing me lightly on my cheek with a giggle. She burrowed her head into my shoulder as I let out a deep breath and stretched out my legs; we stayed like this for a minute or two.

“Your turn, beautiful,” I breathed, breaking the silence, slipping off her pants and then her panties and could smell her arousal. I got out of bed and picked up the strap-on that I threw away from Sara, loosening the straps as I slipped each leg to put it on. I looked at her sitting up on the bed as I tightened the straps around my waist and adjusted the dildo. She noticed me looking at her; she had her knees tucked into her chest and her finger on her mouth. She looked nervous, but then she started to blush as a small grin grew on her face.

“You okay, Sare?”

“I’m more than okay. I just love you, that’s all,” she smiled, sliding her finger along her teeth as she looked down to the ground and back up at me.

_Sara, baby, I love you, too. I wish I could get the balls to tell you right now._

“Are you nervous about this?” I asked, anxious for a subject change, getting nervous for the thoughts in my mind.

“I know you want to make me feel good, and you’ll be gentle with me and talk me through it,” she looked back up at me and blushed, “so no.”

“Come here,” I walked over and scooped her up in my arms as she straddled me. I held onto her thighs as I sat myself onto the couch with her on top of and facing me. “Here, this way you can control it,” I offered, “And I get a really fucking sexy angle of you.”

Sara blushed again, smiling, as she avoided eye contact with me, “Oh, okay.”

 

Her juices were already dripping on my thighs as she readied herself to sit on the dildo. I had to admit how sexy it was that she had never done this before, and how she was still a little bit shy, but I knew she was open to talking dirty. My first priority was that she felt comfortable, though.

“Just like that, Sare.” With my hands, I guided Sara’s body to the dildo as she lifted her hips and slowly moved herself closer to me. “You’re already wet, it’s not gonna hurt. Just let it stretch you, you can go slow.”

Sara’s opening caressed the tip of the dildo. I kept my hands gently on her hips to help her press the toy into her. She parted her lips, looking down, letting out a deep inhale and a moan as she furrowed her brows. I put my hands on her thighs to spread her open more as she slowly took it. “Oh Tegan,” Sara breathed, locking her gaze into mine, “it felt just like this.”

I looked down at the dildo as I watched it disappear inside her; it fully filled her now. I watched her let out little pants and shrieks between her parted lips. “Now lift your hips and sit back onto it, Sare, then keep doing that,” I guided her hips with my hands again for her to start riding it out.

Sara moaned as she lifted herself up and slid back down on the toy, whimpering as she gripped my arms and brushed her fingers over the new ink. With a few more strides, she started to go a little faster.

“Keep going, Sare,” I was still distracted by her sliding the toy in and out of her opening, looking as if she were tormenting herself and pleased by the pain, “your pussy is so tight.”

Her eyes flicked up at me after what I had said and I could feel her muscles tighten up around the toy. She had a devious look on her face as she let it go deeper in her, using a faster pace now as she bowed her face down to kiss me.

“So,” Sara wet her lips before speaking again, “was there anything else you wanted to reenact from the dream?”

“What else did I do to you, baby?”

“Well,” she tried to hold in her moans and speak in full sentences, “you were really assertive.” She stopped her rhythm now to explain her dream to me, “You spanked me. A  _lot_. You know, when I didn’t answer you properly. You made me tell you what you were doing to me. You kept calling me Sara instead of Sare _,_ it was kinda sexy.”

“Wow,” I listened for her to continue.

“You didn’t let me come until I begged. I had to tell you how much I loved fucking my sister before you let me.”

“That’s so fucking dirty, do you want me to say that to you?” I asked, surprised by her hinting at it.

Sara swallowed and diffidence snuck back onto her face, “Yes.”

Her kinkiness was exposed once she got past her shyness and it was turning me on. I started to grind her hips hard against the dildo and push her body up and down, faster than she could handle. I watched her face grow frantic as she looked at me with furrowed brows. I watched her mouth scream and body writhing in pleasure, fucking her harder. I could see her breasts bouncing up and down from this angle and all I could hear was the slapping of her ass to my thighs as she slammed her slick pussy against the dildo.

“Did you fantasize about me fucking you on this couch, Sara?” I ordered her to respond to me.

Her body was shaking uncontrollably as she clutched onto my arms, unable to form words. “Mmm—mhm! Fuck, Oh God, Tee!” I spanked her thighs hard as she whimpered.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you,” I ordered, “tell me what you fantasized about, Sara.”

“You fucked my brains out so hard until I screamed,” she confessed.

“Oh fuck, Sara. You’re such a dirty girl.”

She started squeezing her breasts and nipples until I pinned her hands down, “do they want attention?”

“Mhm,” she nodded, letting a tortured sob escape through her closed lips before she continued. “Hurt them.”

I massaged her breasts and flicked her nipples gently while looking over to the other bag of toys I set down beside me that she hadn’t yet seen. I looked over at it and gestured Sara to get the other toy. She swallowed hard as she pulled it out, tensely putting it in my hands. She stopped grinding on me as she watched me put it on her.

“Oh!” She swallowed hard and cried out as I clamped it to her hard bud, then to the other and letting the jewelry that connected the clamps dangle between her ribs. I watched her swollen breasts as she collapsed to the pain she had asked for.

“Does that hurt?” I asked, fingering the jewelry.

“Fuck! Yes,” I watched her as she tortured herself. I put the jewelry in her mouth, between her teeth and added more pressure to her breasts.

“Good girl,” I kissed her cheeks and gently stroked her breasts, eventually moving my hands back to her hips once she adapted to the pain. I lifted her hips away from the dildo and pressed it into her to fill her again. “Can you go faster, baby?” I asked, wanting to be gentle with her right now since I had her in such a delicate position. She moaned through the jewelry as I started pumping it into her pussy a little faster. I wanted to get her to her peak now; I’ve tortured her enough.

I watched her nipples being pulled by the clamps as she clenched the jewelry between her teeth and didn’t let go. I didn’t think she would be into bondage, but the dirty look on her face as she let her breasts bounce hard, being pulled by the nipple clamps proved me wrong. She took unsteady breaths in and out of her body as she looked at me while I watched her.

She dropped the jewelry from her mouth and I watched her eyes roll back, losing her eye contact with me. So much of me was worried about hurting her, but I knew she wanted to be assertive so I kept going with it. She would tell me if it was too much for her, I rationalized to myself.

“Tegan!” She screamed my name, voice shaky as I pumped the dildo harder inside her. I kissed her collarbones and neck until I worked up to her mouth as her body writhed in my arms. She had me flustered and at a loss of words for how much she was taking.

“Do you want me to make that pussy cum, Sara?”

“Tegan! Fuck! Oh my God!” She squirmed and cursed my name, “Do it. Spank me. Please.”

I spanked her hard as she let out a small whimper in my ear, “Tee, please. Make me come.”

“I’m not convinced you want to come, Sara,” I tortured her a little longer.

“Oh Tegan! Don’t do this to me!” she cried out.

I took my hands away from her hips and placed my fingers on the nipple clamps, threatening to compress them harder, “do you like fucking your sister, Sara?” I felt her body shudder and convulse into an orgasm as she squeezed my arms tighter. I tightened the clamps and spanked her breasts and thighs, earning a loud cry from her as she finished her first orgasm.

“Don’t you dare come unless I say, Sara. I said ‘do you like fucking your sister?’”

“Fuck! Yes, Tegan!”

I spanked her harder and pressed the clamps tighter until she said it, “Say it, Sara.”

I watched her breasts bounce up and down in synchronization with her body as she tried to hold in another orgasm. She could barely speak. I spanked her again as I grew impatient for her to respond, watching her thighs swell and redden.

“Yes! Oh God! Tee! I—” she struggled, “I love fucking you, Tegan! I love fucking my sister!” I smoothed my hands over her reddened skin, “Can I come now, Tee? Please. I’m gonna come so fucking hard. Don’t do this to me.”

I shook her body up and down against the toy, listening to her screams. “Shh, Sare. The guys!” I reminded her as I jolted my hand to her mouth. Her whole body was slicked with sweat along with her face, getting her hair a little wet.

“Oh, Tee! I’m coming, I’m coming! Oh God, fuck, fuck, fuck. Don’t stop!” She shrieked as she rode out her second orgasm in my arms, clenching her muscles against the dildo as her vision turned to black, holding her as she came down from her high. I took the jewelry off, stroking her breasts and kissing them delicately after the pain they just suffered. I kissed her flushed cheeks and caressed her gentle, shaking hands.

We didn’t say anything as we held each other, keeping the toy inside her as we stayed in the closeness. We breathed in each other’s breaths and Sara put her head to rest on my chest; I’ve never seen anyone come hard like that before. We stood there, taking in each other’s presence, overwhelmed by the intimacy we just shared with each other.

Sara let out a deep sigh. “Wow,” she rasped through dry lips as she looked up at me.

I swallowed hard and looked at her, just about speechless and wide-eyed. I took in a deep breath, “Yeah.”

She looked past my shoulder and her eyes lit up, “the view is so beautiful.” She paused and smiled back into my eyes, “Along with you, Tee.” She slipped herself up off of the toy and I loosened it off of my hips, off of my legs. I carried Sara over to the bed, tucking her in as we fell asleep, naked in each other’s arms. It was perfect.

Butterflies overwhelmed me as I breathed final breaths of wakefulness and grew heavier eyes. Her smell was so sweet paired with her sleepy hums. I have so much love for her and I can’t wait for her to know exactly how I feel. She fell asleep holding onto my arm, covering the new ink. I gave her a kiss on the forehead before I dozed off with her.

\--

I felt Sara lurch in my arms and my attention was brought to pounding on the door. It was ten o’clock at night and my heart raced at the thought of who it could be.

“Tegan,” she breathed, cautious and worried, gripping my arms harder.

“It’s okay, Sara. Get dressed, fix your hair—I’ll get it.” I peeled myself out of bed and turned on the lights. I fixed my hair, hid the toys and slipped on the clothes from the floor. Sara did the same. The door pounded again, scaring Sara and causing her to jump. I smoothed down mine and Sara’s hair and clothes, calming her down as I trudged over to the door and look through the peephole.

It was fucking Stacy.

My heart tightened up in my body as I looked at Sara and swallowed hard, listening to the thud of the door again.

“Sara,” I breathed, terrified for answering the door, “it’s Stacy.”

I watched Sara’s face as her jaw dropped, staring at the door and fearing to answer it. Neither of us knew why she was here; Sara never told me what they talked about on the phone earlier today, but if it were anything crucial she would have told me. I gestured for her to go get the door—there was no way out of this.

I kissed her on the cheek and breathed in her ear, “It’s gonna be okay, Sare. I’m here, it’s okay.” Nothing I could say right now could calm her anxiety. She gave me a long, hard look before she mustered up the courage to open the door.

I watched Sara tip-toe over to the door as slow as possible. I went to check my phone. I had an old message from Stacy that she sent a few hours ago.

_Stacy: Hey, Tegan. Something doesn’t seem right. Did you find out why Sara lied to you about us fighting?_

Fuck. I completely forgot that I told Stacy about Sara’s lies from the other night. This was not going to be good. Stacy was mortified.

The door squeaked open to Stacy’s face, looking as if she were holding in a thousand different emotions.

“Hi, Sara.”

“Stacy,” Sara was at a loss for words. “Hi…what—what are you doing here?”

My heart started racing faster and I swore Stacy could hear it. I kept my back turned away from her and didn’t want to see her face.

“I’m just curious, Tegan,” I heard her call my name, but I continued to avoid her gaze, staring at her message on my phone. “Did you and Lindsey actually break up?”

That’s what she came here to ask?

“Um, yeah,” I looked at her and looked back to my phone, “She cheated on me. She accepted her boyfriend’s proposal.”

“I’m really sorry to hear that, Tegan.” Stacy paused and I peaked over to see her shoot Sara a deafening glare. “So, Sara…I’m just curious why you told Tegan that we were about to break up?” Her tone was livid and firm, “You know, that I’m going to leave you for an ex-fiancé?”

Sara gasped hard and our eyes flicked up at each other; Sara had no idea that I accidentally told Stacy that night. Because I had no idea that Sara was covering up her love for me. I looked at her with the most apologetic face, looking away when Stacy switched her gaze to me.

“That’s what you told me, Tegan. Isn’t that right?” Stacy interrogated, stepping inside the doorway and prodding Sara out of the way.

“Stacy,” Sara breathed.

“Is that what you told her, Sara?” Stacy was questioning Sara now.

I felt tears falling from my eyes. I heard Stacy grip Sara’s body and she shot up again, “Sara, why would you say that about us?”

“I’m sorry,” Sara breathed, she was crying now, too.

I saw Stacy brush Sara’s hair back from the corner of my eye, “what’s that on your neck, babe?”

Sara cried out harder and didn’t respond to any of her questions, “What’s going on, Sara? What were you guys doing?”

“We were sleeping,” Sara whimpered as Stacy looked over to the beds, one made and one slept in.

“Sara, I can leave you guys alone if you want,” I sobbed as I tried to make my way over to the door.

“Tegan, you’re not leaving,” Stacy gripped my arm hard, knowing I had answers. “Why are you crying?”

I looked at Stacy’s impatient face to Sara’s broken one and cried harder.

“Tegan,” Stacy called out my name again, turning my arm, bringing her attention to the ink. She looked up to me in confusion, “Why did you—” Her eyes widened as she looked to my neck, covered in marks from Sara’s biting.

Stacy looked at Sara in disbelief, “Oh my God.”


	19. Far Gone

**Sara**

“Really, I think I should go.” Tegan lost it through her terrorized, tense sobs.

I was on edge; my heart was pounding and my body shaking. I wasn’t ready for this to happen. I wasn’t ready for Stacy to know. Not now. Not with her showing up unexpected after Tegan and I just made love like that for several hours and fell asleep. I was panicking, terror-stricken and fearful. I never imagined it to be like this.

Tegan tried to free herself of Stacy’s grip, but she held her tighter as Tegan jerked in attempt to walk away. “Oh no, you’re staying right here, Tegan!”

I watched Tegan’s crying face avoid eye contact with Stacy, not once looking up at her. Her guilt for betraying Stacy was plastered on her face, even as she hid it through her bangs. Stacy glowered at Tegan, waiting for her to talk, but Tegan wasn’t anywhere close to starting.

Stacy pulled me into her and pushed back my hair from my face, sweeping my collarbones with her fingers, “You wanna tell me how my girlfriend got those marks on her neck, Tegan?”

Tegan choked on her breathing sobs, unable to speak when she tried, still looking down and away from Stacy.

“Hmm?” Stacy raised her voice as she shook Tegan, snapping her broken gaze up at her and tears streaming down her face. Tegan shook her head uncontrollably, eyes back to the ground and new tears birthing from her glossy eyes.

“Because I know you know  _exactly_  how she got those,” Stacy pressed, “How many times have you touched her?”

Trapped by Stacy’s grip, Tegan pursed her trembling lips in attempt to bite back her cries. “She felt good, didn’t she?” Stacy continued to catechize her as Tegan began to break down, “Did she help you get over Lindsey fucking some guy?”

“Stace, please stop,” I interjected a cracked, shaky voice from behind.

Stacy let go of me and jerked Tegan’s jaw toward the unmade bed, “Did you fuck her on that bed, Tegan?”

“Stacy!” I cried out. I couldn’t listen to her tormenting Tegan anymore, “Stop it! It’s not her fault!”

Stacy turned her back to look at me, still keeping a hard clutch on Tegan’s inked arm.

“Yeah? Why don’t you tell me how this all fucking happened, Sara?”

I felt the tears forming in my eyes again as I took a long, hard look at Stacy. There was never going to be the right time for what I had to say to her. But here she was in person, just as Tegan and I talked about telling her earlier. Tegan looked up at me as I stood there, silent and broken.

“It was an accident,” I cried through my words, “We never meant for it to happen.”

Stacy clutched Tegan’s arm tighter, impatiently waiting for me to continue.

“I’m so sorry, Stacy. I fell in love with her,” I felt my body wanting to collapse at admitting my love for Tegan, “I couldn’t help it—I wasn’t going to tell her, but she found out.”

Stacy’s heart ripped in half at that very moment that I confessed my love for someone who wasn’t her. It was just as hard for me to watch as it was to tell her. Her face turned from anger to hurt to sickened repulsion.

 

“She’s your sister, Sara. Your fucking  _sister!_ You’re disgusting! _”_  Stacy spat at me and clutched my wrists hard, causing me to whimper. “How could you let her touch you?”

“Stacy, don’t fucking touch her!” Tegan yelled, latching onto Stacy’s fists. Stacy shoved her body away from me and hooked her grip onto Tegan, pushing me down to the ground and knocking the wind out of me. My body felt paralyzed and in shock for a few seconds until I could regain consciousness again. I watched as Stacy pulled Tegan by the sleeveless shoulder of her shirt.

“Fuck you, Tegan. I fucking hate you. How dare you fucking touch my girlfriend!” Stacy cursed at Tegan, slapping her across the face.

“Tegan!” I screeched, panic running through my body at the force Stacy’s was manifesting from all of her wrath.

“Sara, leave right now! Go!” Tegan bawled at me, holding onto Stacy so that she couldn’t run after me. I mustered up my strength when the wind came back to get up and run for the door. I heard someone take another strike as I struggled to open the door, panting and out of breath as the knob finally turned.

I ran over to Ted and Jasper’s door, banging on it violently until someone answered. I didn’t want to think about what was happening in the other room, but I couldn’t help to think of Stacy hurting Tegan really bad. I knew she wasn’t going to fight Stacy back and she could only hold her down for so long.

Ted finally answered the door after what seemed like forever, with Jasper behind him. They watched my tortured face as I cried hard at the sight of them; our affair was going public.

“Sara, what’s wrong?”

“Ted, please come here,” I cried, “Stacy and Tegan are in the other room.” I grabbed his hand, pulling him out into the hallway. Ted looked back at Jasper, reluctant and anxious that he was about to find out, but darted over to my room regardless.

I stood in front of Jasper, bawling my eyes out and not able to look up at him. He slowly walked up to me, rubbing my shoulders and bringing me into a hug.

“Sara, is everything okay?”

“I lied to her about something,” I swallowed hard, failing to exhale and being so rattled right then, “Nothing’s okay, Jasper. You’re going to hate me.”

Jasper held me tighter as Ted opened my door to the screaming and thudding and Tegan’s crying, causing my heart to shatter into a million pieces. Tegan was taking all this pain for me. I bolted out of Jasper’s hug and ran down the hallway to Tegan and Stacy. Jasper came running behind me.

“Let her be with who she wants!” Tegan shrieked as I ran in, Ted had Stacy clutched in his arms to keep her from hurting Tegan anymore. I rushed over between them to Tegan as she squeezed me hard in her warm, shaking arms, catching my tears on her shoulder as they fell hysterically. I pressed myself into her further, tightening my arms around her waist and never wanting to let her go.

This was the hardest love I ever had to face.

I could feel Stacy’s eyes burning a hole into the back of my head as I stayed facing away from her. “I’m sorry Stacy, but I love her. Please don’t hurt her; she didn’t do anything. I’m so sorry. I love her so much. I can’t help it; please don’t hate me.”

Ted eased his hands off of Stacy’s wrists as she tightened her hold onto him. Her eyes were shaky and glistening now, “How long has this been going on for?”

“Since the night we came to Verona,” I looked up at her remorsefully.

Stacy looked at me with trembling lips and tried to speak, but she only managed to let out a pained cry as she looked down.

“Stacy, I’m sorry,” Tegan gripped onto my waist and cradled my body into her and brushed my hair as I kept my head buried into her shoulder. “I wanted her to stay with you; it would have been better for her that way. But that’s not what she wanted. And I just want her to be happy, even if that means it’s going to be harder; I don’t care.”

Stacy looked up at Tegan, her anger was gone and replaced with repentance. Stacy searched back and forth into Tegan’s eyes, ready to talk now.

“Are you in love with her, Tegan?” She questioned, her guard down now as she waited for Tegan to answer. My ears perked up and I was anticipating her answer, expecting her to say that it was still too soon for her that kind of love. Tegan took a breath before answering Stacy, taken aback that she were to ask and could possibly handle the answer.

“Far-gone.”

Euphoria and bliss flooded my body as I felt a million butterflies annihilate my stomach, gasping a sharp inhale as I shot my head up at her. She’s in love with me; she feels the same way that I do about us. Despite the pain of this entire night and the situation that got thrown at us, the feelings in my body translated into a smile on my face, prickling skin and breathlessness.

Tegan nudged her mouth to me as she kissed my forehead, curling my hair in between her unsteady fingers. I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt my tears drop down her neck as I kept my head buried in her shoulder.

“Oh,” Stacy wasn’t ready to hear it, but she had to, “okay.”

“Please forgive me, Stacy. She’s happy; that’s all that matter to me. We didn’t mean for it to get this far without you knowing,” Tegan apologized.

“I’m not ready to forgive you, Tegan. You let her fall in love with you,” she reminded her.

“I had nothing to do with that; she did that on her own. I just found out about it,” Tegan spoke calmly.

“How’d you find out?” Stacy asked cautiously, not wanting to hear it.

Tegan looked up at me, not wanting to invade my privacy if I didn’t want to say it. So I did it for her, “She read my journal when I went to the beach the night we got here.”

“The night you called me, Stacy,” Tegan interjected.

“Is that why you lied to her about us?” Stacy questioned me.

“Mhm,” I breathed, embarrassed.

I lurched as Ted let Stacy go and she caressed my neck again as I stayed in Tegan’s embrace. She studied the impurities on my skin as she started crying, “Oh, Sara. Oh my God.”

“Stacy,” Ted rasped, “I think it’s time for you to go.”

Stacy kept her hand on my neck as she swallowed and closed her eyes, letting out a tortured exhale.

“So, that’s it, Sara? You’re Tegan’s now?”

I didn’t know what to say to that, this was all so uncomfortable, “I love her, Stace.” Tegan just stared at Stacy as she played with my fingers, holding them tight and caressing them with hers.

“Okay, I hope you’re happy,” she opened her eyes up at me and scorned at Tegan.

“I am.” Stacy was giving me the cold shoulder and I had no idea how to respond. She turned around and left our room, walking out with Ted. Before he left, he shot us a comforting look and took her outside. I looked up at Tegan, holding tightly onto her arm and widening my eyes up at her, drained and exhausted as to what just happened.

Tegan looked up and brought my attention to Jasper as Ted and Stacy walked out, still standing in the doorway. It was dead silent when he walked up to us, serious.

“So I’ve heard a fight coming from your room every night since we’ve been here. I hope you guys are both going to be okay, honestly, but can you guys just go to sleep so we can rehearse tomorrow?” He demanded sternly with a sneer in his tone, “You know we have a show here Friday, right?”

“Do you hate me for hurting Stacy?” I asked, taken aback by his joking, nonchalant tone, “Do you think I’m disgusting?”

“No, Sara. I love you girls and that’s your business.”

“You’re not shocked or anything. Did Ted tell you?” Tegan interjected.

“Ted didn’t need to tell me anything. Do you think we’re sleeping or something in the afternoon? Did you guys hear yourselves for six hours straight? Fuck, Sara. You need to quiet the fuck down.”

My jaw dropped in humiliation as I hid my face into my hands, “Oh my God.”

“We heard everything,” Jasper assured me.

“Everything?” I asked again, peeking an eye through parted fingers. Tegan was laughing and so was Jasper. This was in no way funny.

“Everything."


	20. Depredation

**Tegan**

I held Sara in my arms as she cried herself to sleep that night. She didn’t take it well, especially after hearing Stacy’s horrific cries from the hallway as Ted walked her out. What hurt Sara most was that Stacy called her disgusting; that’s what she feared others were going to think of her and the words came from the person closest to her. Ted and Jasper have been supportive, amazingly, but Stacy didn’t have any mercy for Sara. And especially not for me.

 

Stacy clearly expressed more hate for me than for her own girlfriend, which I maybe should have expected come to think about it now. Stacy was pretty upset to find out that Sara showed an interest in me first and that I had nothing to do with it. It’s like she thought I just hit on my sister out of the blue or tried to seduce her or something, despite the fact that we were both in happy relationships. Oh what a difference just a few days in Verona makes.

 

No matter how painful Stacy’s blows to my face were, no matter how many nights I have to whisper in Sara’s ear telling her everything was going to be okay; I meant what I said to her. Nothing else mattered except our love for each other. That’s all we need.

 

Despite the emotional pain and exhaustion she suffered from this night, Sara said she had no regrets about her love for me.

 

I kissed Sara’s temples and dried her salty tears as I spooned her in the king bed she made love to me on earlier today. I held her close through her oversized, warm sweater as she pulled the excess of her sleeves into a ball in her fists and held them next to her face. I tucked my hands under her sweater to feel the heat on her skin. Sara let out sleepy hums as I massaged her ribs in little circles with my fingers.

 

“I love you, Sara,” I whispered as I kissed the nape of her neck, taking in her sweet smell. It felt so good to say it a second time, but this was a first for saying it directly to her. Maybe the third time will be a charm when she’s actually conscious.

 

Sara nestled her body into mine as she sleepily turned to face me, letting out more soft coos and moans as if she was having a pleasant dream. “I love you, baby,” she breathed gently as I rested my hands on her lower back now.

 

I caressed her face to check if she was sleeping and she was sound asleep. This moment reminded me of when she fell asleep on me watching Hotel New Hampshire together. It was the night Sara was sick from her hangover, when she told me she loved me. I didn’t take it as anything more than a sisterly love, but she meant it as so much more without even knowing she was saying it to me.

 

I brushed my fingers over her bare legs that rested over mine. “Tell me again, Tee,” I heard Sara murmur in her sleep.

 

“I love you more than anything, Sare,” I whispered in her ear and planted delicate kisses on her warm cheeks. I brought my hands further up her sweater, lifting it slightly along with the oversized shirt I was wearing so that our skin touched. I continued kissing her sleeping face as I massaged her breasts and caressed my thumbs over her nipples, which were still hard and sensitive from the nipple clamps that she had tolerated earlier that day. Sara let out a whimper, a mixture of pain and pleasure, for obvious reasons.

 

“Do they still hurt, baby?”

 

“Mhm,” Sara let out a small moan as I continued to caress them delicately between my thumb and my fingers.

 

I kissed her lips and continued to massage her body. Once she gets her mind off of Stacy, the first thing we were going to do tomorrow is talk about the sex we had last night. She went from shy, timid and sweet-talking to the most twisted, kinkiest girl ever who said the dirtiest, sexiest things. My mind needed a serious shower after watching her do that to herself.

 

I lied beside her in thought of the exhausting week we went through together as new lovers, but how happy I felt to be with her right now, holding her and loving her. I brushed my fingers through her hair and held her closer to feel her breath on my face as she slept peacefully. Butterflies filled my stomach, love in my heart and rapture on my face; I dazed off into sleep holding Sara in my arms.

 

\--

 

It was Wednesday morning and there were two days until we would be playing our first show here in Verona. It was time to see the guys and rehearse—finally. Sara got up feeling slightly better than last night; we didn’t really talk about it or anything at all for that matter. It didn’t feel awkward; we were just drained from all that had gone on. I gave her some space and let her shower separately from me in case she needed some time to be alone—which I was most certain she did.

 

When we were dressed and ready, we went over to Ted and Jasper’s room where they had everything set up. Jasper was glad that he was finally able to get some sleep without us having someone to fight with all night, or more embarrassingly—having sex. Ted was happy to see us both in one piece, especially Sara.

 

We spent essentially the whole day going through all the songs we put on the set list for Friday and it went really well. Being surrounded by the guys and their socializing cheered Sara up and she was being more talkative now, even smiling and laughing. I didn’t realize how awkward it was going to be rehearsing songs with them, singing romantic-type songs like Closer and I Was a Fool with Sara beside me. Ted and Jasper didn’t stop snickering at me, whenever I looked over at her to make eye contact. This better not happen Friday or else the audience would get hunches about us. God forbid.

 

It was pretty hard singing my songs that had to do with heartbreak because they reminded me of Lindsey, but it was worse seeing Sara sing her songs and seeing the brokenness on her face. I knew I just had to give her time, she was really hurt by Stacy’s words and that she found out so suddenly.

 

Once we were about done we sat around and drank beer in their room and enjoyed each other’s company. It was about time we did this. I could tell that their light conversation was making Sara feel so much better. Then Ted brought up the heavy conversation that couldn’t be ignored.

 

“Were you girls okay last night after we left?”

 

“It was pretty rough, but we fell asleep eventually,” I held Sara’s hand as she spoke to comfort her, thinking back to how she cried herself to sleep. She must have not remembered me staying up to make sure she wasn’t going to wake up from her sleep last night.

 

“So…can I ask about Stacy?” Sara asked, breaking the silence, dying for a subject change.

 

Ted looked up at her, answering her after taking a sip of his beer, “I took her down to the lobby. I waited with her so she could get a cab back to the airport.”

 

“So, she’s back home now?” Sara probed.

 

“Yeah, she should be.”

 

“How was she?” She asked with a concerned look on her face.

 

“I’d be lying if I told you she was fine. She was crying the whole time we waited for her cab. It was pretty bad, Sara. I had no idea how to calm her down, but she took the risk by coming here. She knew something wasn’t right,” Ted answered.

 

Sara didn’t say anything. I caressed the shoulder of her leather jacket as she set her gaze to the ground. “Does she hate me?”

 

“I don’t think so—to be honest I don’t know. I think she has more hate towards Tegan,” Ted guessed.

 

“Oh, she hates me alright. If you didn’t come in, Ted, I don’t even want to know what my face would look like right now.” Sara turned to face me with worried eyes as she caressed her fingers along my face, stroking the parts where Stacy hit me.

 

“I’m not really sure why she’s directing her anger toward you, I would have thought it would be equal, I guess. Especially if you had a thing for her first,” Jasper reasoned as he gestured to Sara.

 

“Yeah,” Sara breathed, brushing my hair back from my face, “maybe she didn’t expect Tegan to reciprocate the feelings.” Sara flashed me a broken smile as she looked in my eyes, “And fall in love with me.”

 

I held Sara tighter by the waist of her jacket and looked up at her, “everything’s going to be okay, Sare. Don’t worry.”

 

“Hey, Tegan. What about Colin, have you talked to him since he found out about Lindsey?” Ted brought up.

 

“No. I haven’t, but I have his number. I was thinking of maybe shooting him a text to see how he’s doing.”

 

“Poor guy. He was really nice. I wonder how he’s taking it,” he continued.

 

“I know. Neither of us deserved that, he was such a sweetheart.”

 

We stayed in their room until night and drank a few more beers until we got comfortably drunk. Sara eventually got really tired so I brought her back to our room. I thought it would be best for her to get some sleep while she could, while Stacy was off her mind. She didn’t talk about it after we finished the conversation about her. I knew that slowly she would get over the pain of what Stacy had said to her and thankfully, she was able to get through today without bursting into tears.

I watched Sara as she undressed herself out of her jacket and leggings until she came into bed wearing just a shirt and panties. She pressed her body up to mine and fell asleep on my chest almost immediately, without saying a word. I stayed awake, looking up at the ceiling as she brushed my ribs under my shirt with closed eyes. If she weren’t so drunk right now, she would have asked me if something was wrong.

 

Because there was.

 

I couldn’t repress the guilt that I felt for what I did to Stacy. She loved Sara so deeply and I couldn’t imagine if someone were to take her away from  _me_  like that. I would be devastated, just as Stacy was. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially her; she was really good to Sara and a sweet person. At least before she smashed my face last night.

 

Sara was definitely asleep now; I could hear her breathy hums as my chest rose and fell underneath her head. I was nowhere near close to falling asleep; my guilt didn’t let me. I felt responsible for everything that became broken this week. I mean, there must be a reason for Stacy to hate me more than Sara right now; maybe this was entirely my fault.

 

I couldn’t harbor this stinging in my body right now. I had to do something with myself, not just sit here and stare up at the ceiling like this. It was driving me insane. I pulled myself out from underneath Sara as quietly and carefully as I could, making sure not to wake her. I stumbled over to the bathroom to get some decent clothes on and fixed my hair and makeup. I slipped on the leather jacket Sara had on earlier today and threw on a pair of dark denim jeans.

 

I gave Sara a kiss on the cheek before I headed down to the bar, trying not to make a sound as I shut the door behind me. I seriously needed another drink right now; I was a little buzzed from the beers but felt like something a little stronger to ease my guilt.

 

When I got into the lobby, I made my way over to the bar and pulled up a seat. It was pretty packed up for a Wednesday night, but nothing too crazy. I looked through the drink menu until the bartender passed me and shot me a look.

 

“Excuse me, could I get a—” before I could finish, the bartender just kept walking and disregarded me. She came back and giggled, handing me a drink.

 

“Sorry, I wasn’t ignoring you. This is for you,” she smiled, “from that girl over there.”

 

I was taken by surprise as I looked over to my right to see who the drink was from. I almost dropped my jaw before I caught myself and anxiety burned through my chest to see Lindsey looking over and grinning at me. My immediate reaction was to look away and I had no idea what expression was on my face, but she got up from her seat and walked over to me with her drink, regardless.

 

I didn’t like where this was going.

 

“Hey, beautiful.”

 

“Hi Lindsey.”

 

“I got your favourite,” Lindsey smiled as she brushed my back and pulled up the seat beside me to face me.

 

“Yeah, Tequila Sour. Thanks,” I murmured and didn’t want to make eye contact with her. She didn’t say anything and I could feel her eyes burning a hole in the side of my face. As a natural reaction I shot my eyes up at her; I was horrible at ignoring people when I tried to.

 

“How are you?”

 

Was that a serious question right now? “We broke up three days ago, Lindsey. What do you expect me to say, I’m  _great?”_

 

“I know. I’m sorry.”

 

“I know you are,” I’ve heard enough of her empty apologies this week.

 

I took a sip of my drink and waited until she decided to say something. I had no desire to speak to her right now, regardless of whether she could tell or not. I didn’t care. I don’t even know why she is even trying to talk to me right now.

 

“I miss you, baby.” Lindsey broke the awkward silence, perhaps just awkward on my part. She wasn’t getting the vibes, apparently.

 

“Oh, um. Okay,” I couldn’t believe her right now. Was she expecting to have me back? There was no chance in hell of that happening.

 

“Tegan, please say something else.”

 

“I have nothing else to say to you, Lindsey. You treated me terribly,” I shot back unapologetically.

 

“I want you back, baby. The past three days were miserable without you,” she whined.

 

“Yeah, because Colin left you, too.” I had absolutely zero sympathy for her.

 

“It has nothing to do with that. I made the biggest mistake and I love you so much, Tegan. Please give me another chance. Why don’t you come back to my room and we’ll talk about it?”

 

Yeah,  _talk_. How stupid did she think I was? “Not a chance in hell, Lindsey,” I took a sip of my drink, “I’m sort of seeing someone anyways.”

 

I looked away from her, angered that she would even ask me to come to her room. I felt her body inch closer to me as she took a sip of my drink and set it back down beside me, “Yeah, who?”

 

“None of your business, Linds,” I snatched my drink away from her that was still clung to her hands and took another sip.

 

“Okay,” her voice chippered up as she moved her hand from mine, “I guess I really fucked up then. I missed my chance.”

 

“Guess you did, you had five years for a  _chance_ , Lindsey.”

 

“Do you hate me that much that you can’t even look at me?” Lindsey stared at me, waiting for an answer.

 

I took another sip of my drink and felt myself stutter as I looked at her, “If someone did that to you, I think you’d feel the same way I do.”

 

Lindsey almost looked double to me now and this drink was really starting to hit me. It  _was_ tequila though; maybe that was her plan. God I hope not. She was cruel but she was definitely not psycho; I told her I didn’t want to go to her room.

 

“You look like you’re getting drunk, babe,” her voice was echoing now.

 

“Please don’t call me that,” I felt myself stutter again as I rejected her for the millionth time. She had always been so forward and persistent like this.

 

Lindsey ignored me and patiently watched me as I took another sip of my drink. It felt like she was almost analyzing me. I watched her back and we stared at each other with serious faces. I was seeing double again and it caught me off guard, almost losing my balance as I looked around the obscure bar packed with bright lights.

 

“Sorry Teetee, habit I guess,” Lindsey said as she wore a smirk on her face, still studying me.

 

“That, either.” I took the last sip of my drink and felt the dizziness overpower my body as I almost fell onto Lindsey, but I was able to catch myself in time. It almost felt as if I were in a dream; the tequila was really strong and probably wasn’t mixing well with the beer.

 

I struggled to take in a deep breath and looked up to Lindsey, “I don’t feel well, can you walk me to my room? I don’t know if I can get there by myself. Sara’s up there waiting for me,” I warned her. I didn’t want her thinking she could come into my room like she proposed because we wouldn’t be alone.

 

Lindsey got up from he seat and took her arm in mine, helping me as I stumbled to get up. I hope I wasn’t going to be sick; I’m usually not this much of a lightweight. I never usually get this dizzy or blur my vision this much when I’m drinking. I was starting to feel really uncomfortable.

 

Lindsey held onto me so I stayed upright as we stood in the elevator. I wasn’t paying attention to the buttons she was pressing and trusted she would bring me back all right. I heard a bell chime as the elevator doors opened and Lindsey took my hand in hers to walk me to my room. I didn’t like that she was doing that, but my mind wasn’t telling my body what to do right now and I couldn’t reject it. I looked around the hallway at the moving patterned walls and Lindsey’s two faces as we walked through. All the halls looked the same.

 

I held onto the door to stabilize myself along with holding myself up by Lindsey. I was close enough to smell her scent, which brought me back to memories of the last five years we had together.

 

Her scent used to make me feel comfortable and it reminded me of when she was my sanctuary and my rock and my shelter, but I didn’t feel that way now. She really did break my heart and if it wasn’t for Sara to help mend it back together, I can’t even imagine the pain and heartache I would be feeling right now. Sara didn’t replace Lindsey, though; Sara’s love was far more than what Lindsey and I had.

 

I stumbled back onto Lindsey and into my room as she opened the door.

 

“Sara?”

 

Lindsey was quiet as she held onto me and walked me further into my room. Something really didn’t feel right with my body, I was starting to panic and none of these feelings were going away. I was dizzy, seeing double, could barely walk and slurring my speech. This dream-like state I was in started to cause me anxiety.

 

“What’s  _she_  doing here?” I listened to myself in terror as my mouth moved, looking for answers. This felt like an out-of-body experience and Lindsey wasn’t answering any of my questions, “Lindsey, where am I? This isn’t my room, what are you doing?” I started getting more scared at the distress I heard in my voice.

 

“Lindsey, please bring me back to my room,” I heard myself cry out again.

 

“Sit down, babe,” I felt myself fall onto the bed, Lindsey must have pushed me. I rubbed my hands over my eyes, both parts of my body I could barely feel anymore. They no longer felt like mine. The ringing in my ears just became louder as Lindsey’s voice blurred through my head. I couldn’t understand what she was saying anymore, or if she was talking to me.


	21. Corrupt

**Lindsey**

I didn’t think I was ever going to get that pill into her drink. I grabbed the tequila as soon as she looked away, and luckily after that part she couldn’t bear to look at me. Well, lucky for at least that minute. I took a sip of her drink just before I slipped it in and it dissolved into liquid.

 

It hit her in a matter of minutes.

 

I wouldn’t have had to do it if she had just said yes to coming up to my room. I could really tell she hated me, though. I just wanted one more night to be with her.

 

“Lindsey, pl—please take me to my room. What’s she doing here?” I heard Tegan question again as I laid her down on the bed. I didn’t want to answer her questions because I didn’t want her to keep asking more; I wanted her to be quiet, I wanted her to relax.

 

“What are you doing, Lindsey?”

 

I slid her pants off from her knees after taking off her shirt; she was almost fully bare now. “I just want to touch her.”

 

Stacy shot her head up from her phone and gave me a dead stare, “Yeah, but in front of me?”

 

“Don’t watch,” I asserted as I lifted up my shirt to throw it next to Tegan’s clothes on the floor. I put her head on the pillow and my lips against hers. I missed kissing her. She started letting out small whines and kept asking me questions as I continued to ignore her and Stacy just stared.

 

“I hate her so fucking much,” Stacy scoffed as she set her phone down on the coffee table.

 

“Why?” I didn’t look up at her, “she break you and Sara up or something?” I sucked my mouth against Tegan’s neck as I secretly tried to drown out Stacy’s complaining.

 

“You don’t want to know.” I didn’t bother asking her to go into detail; knowing Stacy enough, I knew she would continue if she wanted to say it anyway. I was too distracted by what I wanted to do to Tegan. I sucked harder on her neck; I wanted to make sure she could feel me tonight.

 

It was a coincidence running into Stacy in the cab, I had no idea she was in Verona as well. Small world, I guess. Shows me to be more careful next time. Poor girl was devastated after having a breakup with Sara; I have absolutely no idea what happened, but she didn’t want to talk about it. She looked horrible and couldn’t control her upset, so I proposed to her that we stay in Verona for a bit and enjoy the city while she’s here. It would have been pointless for her to come here for only an hour or so.

 

“She looks a little out of it, Linds. What did you do?” Stacy asked, noticing how slurred Tegan’s speech was and connecting the dots that it couldn’t have just been from the alcohol.

 

“I didn’t do anything.” I unhooked Tegan’s laced bra and her matching red panties; “I just put a pill in her drink. She needs to ease up.”

 

God she looked so good; she was staring at me with bedroom eyes, I could tell they wanted to roll back but couldn’t. Her lips were parted just after I kissed them and I moved down to her chest and gripped her thighs hard.

 

“You drugged her?”

 

“I guess you could say that. It’s not illegal here. At least I don’t think so,” I held her by the arch of her back as she whimpered in my ear. I didn’t want to look up at Stacy and break my eye contact with Tegan. I took that she was a little stunned, but didn’t respond.

 

I heard a loud sigh almost turning into a sob from where Stacy was sitting over by the couch.

 

“What?” I looked up at her as I sucked on Tegan’s collarbones and listened to her responsive shrieks, “I told you not to watch if you hate her so much.”

 

I watched her face as she laid her eyes onto Tegan’s body, studying it and focusing on it. “She looks so much like Sara.”

 

“Maybe she tastes like her, too,” Tegan shrieked again as I kissed hard between her legs through her panties and spanked her with the same intensity. I looked over at Stacy with a smirk, gesturing for her to come here onto the bed. There was room for her anyways.

 

I watched as Stacy knelt up on the bed, making eye contact with Tegan and I’ve never seen her look so livid. Tegan was looking up at her now, face serious as they locked eyes. I looked up at Stacy with no clue as to what was going through her mind. Her eyes were glistening with anger and sadness at the same time as she stroked her hand along Tegan’s jaw. I noticed that Tegan’s face was slightly bruised and her lip was a little swollen.

 

“Stacy, why is her—”, I was interrupted by a loud slap followed by Tegan’s cries. I felt myself lurch back as I watched, speechless and shocked that Stacy would lay a hand on her. I thought she was so sweet until now.

 

“I hate you! I hate you!” Stacy’s voice shrilled as Tegan flinched away, hiding her reddened face in her shaking hands. I grabbed Stacy’s wrists and pulled her away from Tegan. I could hear Tegan sob out a million apologies under her breath and tears.

 

“Stacy, what the fuck! Are you gonna tell me what the fuck she did to you?”

 

I studied the hostility on Stacy’s face for a minute when Tegan’s cell phone rang and interrupted the silence. I took my hands off from Stacy and stretched my reach over to the night table to take her phone before Tegan could get up and answer it.

 

“It’s Sara”, I said to Stacy as I hit the decline button on Tegan’s phone. “Seriously Stacy, why the fuck did you just do that?”

 

She didn’t say anything and looked away, tears building up on her face again.

 

“She left a voicemail,” I made note as I dialed her voicemail password and put it on speakerphone.

 

“Tegan, it’s me. Where are you?” Sara’s voice was urgent and covered in panic, “I woke up and you weren’t there. Please answer your phone, baby. I’m really worried. I love you. I love you so much.”

 

I held the phone in my hands and felt my jaw drop to what felt like the floor. _Baby? I love you?_ I looked at Stacy as she clenched her jaw and I looked to Tegan, lying down on the bed half-naked. I kept my silence for a long time, at least that’s what it felt like. I noticed Tegan had a new tattoo on her arm and I took a better look at it, stroking the ink with my fingers.

 

Tegan uncovered her face and opened her eyes in my direction from the sound of the voicemail, “Sara, baby?”

 

I turned my face to Stacy and couldn’t fucking believe what I just heard on the voicemail and what Tegan inked on her arm, “Is she fucking her?”

 

Stacy reluctantly nodded her head, not wanting to admit or even believe it herself. So _that_  was why she hated her so much. That’s who Tegan was  _kind of seeing_  right now. “She left me for her,” Stacy’s voice was serious and aggravated, “Sara’s in love with her.”

 

“Tegan, are you having sex with Sara?”

 

“Mhm,” Tegan murmured from her mouth as I held her jaw, I was almost laughing that she answered it without hesitation. She was still conscious, but could barely form proper sentences. She was looking at me, but it didn’t look like she was seeing me.

 

I kissed her hard on the mouth; her taste was almost foreign to me now. I didn’t realize that I actually missed it, “Are you in love with her, baby?”

 

“Oh god, Sara,” Tegan voiced through light breaths, “I love her so much. I’m sorry Stacy. I’m so sorry,” Tegan apologized on and on as she rested her hand on the back of my head as I kissed her, “Where is she, Lindsey?”

 

“Don’t worry, baby. She’s fine. You’ll see her in the morning. Just relax,” I quieted her questions as I continued to kiss her; she was more relaxed now and started to reciprocate.

 

“That’s it, Lindsey? You barely flinched,” Stacy shot up.

 

“I’m not dating her anymore,” I pressed my mouth back onto hers and pulled her lower lip into mine, earning a moan from my ex-girlfriend. “Maybe they’ll consider a threesome,” I smirked at Lindsey and raised my brows suggestively.

 

“Yeah, maybe if you drug them both,” her voice was sarcastic. She sounded a little less tense now as I watched her smooth down her shirt.

 

“You know I’m about to fuck her brains out right, why are you still watching?” I looked at Stacy as I brushed the lace of Tegan’s panties, I could tell she was thinking about something. I felt Tegan arching her back as she drew her legs in closer to her hips. She held onto my arm and breathed out my name as a response to me touching her.

 

Stacy looked at Tegan while she spoke to me, somber now. “She just reminds me so much of her.”

 

I slipped off my shorts and threw them onto the ground, straddling my legs around Tegan’s bare hips. “Come here, baby,” I took Tegan by her arched back and brought her closer to me, she anticipated the kiss now as she stared into my eyes, dazed. Tegan broke the kiss and looked at Stacy; I kissed along her jaw when her head was turned, with one hand on her face and the other unclasped the hook of her bra. I slipped it off from her arms and she whimpered when I kissed her nipples and pushed her tits up in my hands. Tegan was trembling now and kept her gaze on Stacy.

 

“Do you want to touch her?” I looked up to Stacy, “It looks like you do.”

 

With their gazes still on each other, I took Stacy’s hand and made her feel Tegan between her legs, earning another whine from her. She could feel her heat through her panties. Stacy took a deep breath as she licked her lips, looking at Tegan’s body.

 

“Do you want her to fuck you, too, babe?” I kissed Tegan’s neck and breathed in her ear, “We can have a threesome.” I pressed my hands back onto Tegan’s chest, pushing her back down onto the sheets and stroking the buds of her nipples between my fingers. Tegan lifted her hips when Stacy started to tug at her panties and pull them off. She let out a whimper again when she slapped hard against her thighs.

 

“If you’re trying to hurt her, she likes it rough.” I laughed a little as I said it, but I was serious. Stacy pulled Tegan’s thighs, sliding her body closer to her and then sucked two fingers into her mouth. She chuckled at me as she stroked her fingers along Tegan’s pussy.

 

“Yeah, how rough?” She kept her eye contact on me with a devilish smile as she teased Tegan by applying more pressure between her legs. We were interrupted by Tegan’s gasps, looking like she was about to collapse as she clenched her stomach tight and tried to jerked her legs against Stacy’s hand.

 

“I’ll let you find out for yourself,” I rasped, running my fingers through Tegan’s hair. “Just fuck her already.”

 

Stacy laughed as she spread Tegan’s resistant thighs and kissed the parts that were covered in her wetness. She parted Tegan’s lips and without building up to it, pushing two fingers inside of her. Tegan’s body shook and jerked hard as her hitching breaths turned into loud cries. I inched my hand toward her hips and rubbed her clit between my fingers, going rougher with each strangled noise I earned from her.

 

“Harder,” I ordered Stacy as she added another finger and thrust into Tegan faster. I liked the sound Tegan made when she was getting fucked, so I spanked her thighs forcefully. She started to let out uncontrollably pants and shrieks; she sounded like she was about to come now.

 

I got up and grabbed my phone that was beside Tegan’s on the night table, hitting the record button on the camera. I faced the camera toward me as I inched close to Tegan and she gripped my neck hard as she was reaching her climax. She initiated the kiss and I made sure I got it on film; she could barely keep the kiss going because she was letting out so many hard gasps. I looked at the camera screen and watched as Tegan’s breasts were shaking up and down since Stacy was thrusting so hard.

 

“You like that, baby?” I pinched her nipples and she couldn’t stop her cries, “you like getting your pussy fucked like that?”

 

“Lindsey, what the fuck!” Stacy gasped when she noticed I was recording everything. I handed the phone to her and replaced her spot between Tegan’s legs. “You’re out of your mind, Lindsey. What if Sara sees this?” Stacy laughed at me as I hinted at her to record what I was about to do to Tegan.

 

I stroked my lips up and down Tegan’s pussy, impatient to finally taste her and resistant to tease her. She was ready to come anyway. I massaged my tongue onto her clit until her breath became heavy again, “That’s the point, Stacy.” Stacy laughed again as she stroked Tegan’s thighs and recorded me eating her pussy. I don’t think she believed me.

 

“Hold this for me, Tegan. I don’t want to get it dirty while I fuck your brains out,” I said as I slipped my engagement ring onto her ring finger and kissed it, persisting to hear Stacy’s breaths of immature snickers.

 

“You taste so fucking good baby, are you gonna come for me?” I teased my fingers around her opening as she let out pained exhales and buckled her knees against me, “You want my fingers in your tight pussy, baby?”

 

“Oh!” Tegan shrieked as I parted her lips with four of my fingers, coating them with her sex and squeezed them inside her; she was already aroused enough to handle it, but it was still enough for her to release another cry.

 

All that filled the room was Tegan sounding like her brain was short-circuiting and the slamming of my fingers thrusting in and out of her soaked pussy. Tegan choked on her pained sobs as she tensed her pussy against my fingers and her body was about to convulse into an orgasm. I pressed her body up against mine as I pulled her closer by the arch of her back. I kissed her hard through her husks and grunts and felt her hot breath on me,

 

“You feel so fucking good, baby. I feel you coming, I feel you coming. God you’re so sexy,” Tegan whimpered loudly and uncontrollably in my ear as I kissed her hot cheeks and eventually felt her tongue against mine. She squeezed my arms tight as her entire body shook while I was inside of her. Tegan tensed up as she exploded into an orgasm while screaming out murmured curse words. I let her body fall back onto the bed as Stacy kept her hand on her thighs, caressing her. I gently pulled my fingers out from between her legs, hearing one last whimper from her and excessive breathing.

 

I took the phone from Stacy and blew a kiss to the lens and a flashed shrewd smile before taking it off record. I was definitely sending this to Sara.

 

“You’re a bitch, Lindsey,” Stacy snickered again as she got herself up from the bed and over to the other, “I’m going to bed. Night.”

 

“Night,” I held Tegan’s bare body against mine and felt the warmth from our contact. I kissed her neck again and stroked her hair with my fingers. I reached for her hand and fingered the ring I left on her. It suited her.

 

“Goodnight, baby.”


	22. Awake

**Tegan**

Morning. Mouth dry. Drained. Exhausted. Body pains. Sore. Makeup left on.

I struggled to take a deep breath and wipe the crusty sleep out of my eyes. I licked my lips hard and repeatedly to try and wet them as I fumbled opened my eyes. Something about the room looked out of place; for some reason it looked different.

I heard Sara inhale sharply, like she was about to wake up. She nuzzled her head under mine and nipped her mouth at my neck.

I rasped out in husked breaths, “Good morning, baby.”

“Morning, beautiful.” A foreign kiss was planted on my lips.

That wasn’t Sara.

My heart jumped into anxiety and I inched away as soon as I realized it was Lindsey. I don’t remember anything that happened last night. I don’t know how I got here. I started to feel really scared; I felt my body against the sheets and realized I was naked. Lindsey put her hand on my waist and I realized she was naked, too.

“Wh—what are you doing here?” Panic shot up through my voice.

“This is  _my room_ , Tegan. Who did you think I was—Sara?”

“Where is she?” I raised my voice as the horror pumped through my body. I threw the blankets off of me and jumped weak out of bed; Lindsey tried to grab me and keep me next to her, “Where are my clothes, Lindsey?”

I found my bra and panties on the floor and put them on as fast as I could. I watched Lindsey get out from bed and gathered her underwear to put it on, “I don’t know where your lover is; I would guess she’s in your room.”

“Lindsey, where are the rest of my clothes!”

“I don’t know, baby. I was drunk last night, too,” Lindsey grabbed me by the wrists and tried to pull my body closer into a hug.

“I’m not your baby. Don’t touch me, Linds, get off of me!” I pushed her wrists off mine and fumed to the other side of her bed, looking for my clothes.

“Tegan, calm down. It’s okay.”

“What did you do to me last night, Lindsey?”

She came up to me and tried to take me close again and brushed my hair, “Relax, baby.”

“Lindsey, please! Don’t fucking touch me! Don’t fucking call me your baby!” I shrieked and pushed her again, “Where are my fucking clothes?”

“Lindsey, help her find her clothes,” I heard a voice echo as someone shuffled awake in the other bed.

“Stacy?” My heart broke and I felt tears coming. I had no idea what was happening and how I ended up here right now. Or why they were together and why Stacy wasn’t back home like Ted had assured us. She got up from her bed as she fixed her hair and smoothed down her clothes. I was terrified as she walked up to me; I didn’t want her to hit me again. I raised my arms up in defense at the sight of her approach.

She didn’t hit me; she crept down to the floor, looking for something. I assumed she was helping me find my clothes. Lindsey stared at me and looked up and down my body; it was making me feel sick the way she stared at me like I was an object.

“Lindsey,  _please_  tell me what’s going on,” I was crying now. I felt traumatized; I started to have an idea what she did and I wasn’t ready to to handle the truth.

Stacy got up, holding my leggings and shirt and I noticed tears collapsing from her eye. “Tegan, I’m  _so_ sorry.”

I snatched my clothes from Stacy, studying the pain on her face and genuineness of that apology. I didn’t know what she was apologizing for. I looked between her and Stacy as I waited for answers.

“What is she sorry for, Linds?” I questioned, impatient for her to speak as I cautiously dressed myself. I was terrified to hear an explanation as to why I didn’t remember anything or why I ended up here, “Lindsey?”

“I think it’s time for you to go, baby,” Lindsey held my hands and looked me in the eyes.

“What the fuck is this?” I looked to my left hand and noticed Lindsey’s engagement ring that Colin gave to her and it was on my ring finger, more tears running down my face.

“I wanted you to hold on to it last night,” Lindsey explained barely.

“Why?”

There was silence. Lindsey looked at me, clearly not wanting to tell me. It was coming—the answer I didn’t want to hear and that she didn’t want to say. I wasn’t ready to hear it, but I had to. Stacy flashed a look at Lindsey and then to me, remorse and regret was painted on her face.

“She took advantage of you last night,” Stacy finally spoke, “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have let it happen.”

“What do you mean she took advantage of me?” I needed specifics. It may not have been as bad as I imagined, although my optimistic thinking probably wasn’t going to be on my side right now.

“She drugged you, Tegan. She put a date rape drug in your drink when she saw you alone at the bar,” Stacy looked down and over at Lindsey, so much guilt that paused her before she spoke again. “She brought you here when you asked for her to take you back to your room. She raped you last night.”

My lips pressed together as I tried to hold back my sobs, but I couldn’t help choke on them. Lindsey’s face remained stone as she watched me suffer; she had absolutely zero emotions or sympathy—ever. It looked like she was hiding something else.

“Why do you look guilty?” I looked to Stacy and then to Lindsey, “Why does she look guilty, Linds?”

“Tegan, I’m so sorry.” I wanted her to stop apologizing and just tell me everything, “She made me touch you, I’m so sorry.”

I fingered the ring and painfully tugged on it, removing it from my finger and dropping it to the floor. I didn’t know if they could understand me through my pain, “You both raped me?”

I put my hands on my body on the parts that were violated, feeling the pain of them now, “How could you do this to me? I didn’t give you consent to touch me. I didn’t even want to go to your room! For fuck’s sake, Lindsey, you even knew about me and Sara. How are you such a monster?”

“I just wanted another night with you, baby.”

She tried to touch me again and I pushed her hard, although I only had weakness inside my body right now. I couldn’t believe she would do that to me. Cheating was one thing; getting engaged behind my back was another, but to  _rape_  me? And to make Stacy take advantage of me, too? I felt sick with myself; I was terrified that Sara would never forgive me.

“What were you thinking, Stacy?” I lurched away from Lindsey and was yelling at Stacy now.

“She filmed it, too.” Lindsey attested and I couldn’t believe my ears.

“You  _filmed_  her raping me, Stacy?” My voice was weakening more now and Stacy was crying hard. I couldn’t believe she could do this to me, despite how much she hates me. Lindsey, however, still showed zero feelings, “I know you hate me Stacy, and I’m sorry for taking Sara from you, but you  _filmed_  it?”

“Tegan, I’m  _so_ sorry. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I’m so sorry,” Stacy didn’t bother to touch me or hold me in her apology; she knew I would push her away, “I’ll delete it, I promise.”

“If you didn’t want Sara to see it, I think it’s a little late for that,” Lindsey looked to me, suggesting that she already sent it to her. I was so disgusted right now.

“You  _sent_  it to her? What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you care at all that you drugged me and fucking violated me, Lindsey?” I shouted at her as loud as my voice would let me right then.

“She wanted to know where you were. We had a good time, baby. Calm down.”

I heard my cries exploding out of my eyes and she had the nerve to come towards me again, “Get the fuck off of me; just get me out of here! Let me go, Lindsey! I fucking hate you!”

Stacy handed me my wallet and phone and backed Lindsey away from me, helping me out to the door, “She didn’t take anything from your wallet, everything’s there. I’m so sorry this happened. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me.”

I shot Stacy a look, I really couldn’t tell you what it looked like. I appreciated her apology but was traumatized and stunned and hurt that she would touch me and let Lindsey do the same and film it. I trudged through the hallways, trying my best to muffle my sobs and praying to god that no one was in the elevator on my way up to my floor.

My loud cries saturated the top floor as I ran through the hallways to Sara’s room. I just remembered our first show was tomorrow night. I couldn’t bear to handle anything right now. I needed Sara, I needed her to hold me and love me and forgive me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. With the way I was feeling right now I didn’t know if it was going to be. I wanted her to hurt Lindsey and make her sorry that she ever laid a finger on me.

I banged on the door with all my strength, anxious for Sara to come to the door.

“Please answer, Sara,” I bawled out as my voice cracked through my cries, “Please.”

**Sara**

_Lindsey: Good morning Sasa, I heard you were wondering where Tegan was last night. Maybe this will give you an idea. She felt really good…but you already knew that._


	23. Home

**Sara**

Lying in bed, I read the text over and over again; Tegan would never go to Lindsey’s room by choice. Why was Lindsey still even in Verona? Regardless of her not wanting to see Lindsey, I couldn’t believe I didn’t think to contact her to see if she had answers as to where Tegan was. But why on earth would she be over there? I had the guys up all night looking all over the hotel for her with me. I couldn’t sleep until I knew she was safe. I didn’t sleep all night. Although now I know where she was, I had a feeling she wasn’t safe.

_Lindsey: Good morning Sasa, I heard you were wondering where Tegan was last night. Maybe this will give you an idea. She felt really good…but you already knew that._

I looked at the text and tried to decipher it. How dare she call me Sasa, she was totally mocking me. How did she know I was wondering where Tegan was last night, did she listen to my voicemail? I guess she would know her password, or Tegan showed her. But that means she heard me tell Tegan I love her. Something wasn’t adding up; something wasn’t right.

And what did she mean by  _this?_  She  _felt_  really good? That could only mean one thing, but Tegan would never sleep with her now. I know her and I trust her that she would never do that to me. Even if she weren’t with me I know that she thinks Lindsey is a terrible person. I already  _knew_  that? That must mean that she knows about us.

What the fuck was going on?

I stared at my screen reading it over and over. I wondered why Tegan didn’t contact me when she left and why she ignored my voicemail and why she wasn’t back now. My stomach started to turn again in fear of something going on that I was missing here.

I was just about to look up from my screen when I noticed a new message. Lindsey sent me a video. Hesitantly and reluctantly, I opened it on my phone and played it.

I opened my mouth in horror at what I saw. I gasped sharply and I felt my eyes watering and my voice shriek. I was in denial that my eyes were telling me the truth. I forgot to breathe in that moment that I pressed play.

Lindsey’s obnoxious laugh filling my ears made me sick. Tegan didn’t look like her mind was there; she didn’t look sober. She didn’t look like she was enjoying it; she looked like she was in pain. The Tegan I know would have never consented to that. It hurt me to watch; I hated Lindsey that she could ever do that to Tegan.

“You like that, baby? You like getting your pussy fucked like that?” I listened to Lindsey’s voice as Tegan cried over the video.

“Oh my god, Tegan,” I covered my mouth over my hand. She was kissing her hard and being way too rough with her, it hurt so bad to see Tegan like that. Violated and degraded.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I heard the laugh that I recognized like no other. Stacy. “What if Sara sees this?”

“That’s the point, Stacy,” I was choked up by my sobs now, agonized and tortured to watch Lindsey between my sister’s legs without permission. And she  _wanted_  me to see this? I hated her; I hate her so much. She is such a terrible fucking person. Blood boiled through my veins as I clenched my iPhone in my hands.

Lindsey continued to belittle Tegan with dirty talk that she didn’t agree to while Stacy laughed uncontrollably at the situation. I couldn’t believe my girlfriend would do something like this, and she knew about Tegan and I. I felt so betrayed that she would do that to someone I loved—to my sister.

“You feel so fucking good, baby. I feel you coming, I feel you coming. God you’re so sexy,” I couldn’t bare to put myself through this anymore. Tegan didn’t belong to her anymore; she didn’t deserve to touch her, to feel her. She never did. Tegan had always been too good for Lindsey. I stared at the phone, watching Tegan ride out an orgasm that she didn’t want. She was trying to squeeze her legs together the whole time but Lindsey forced her to open them. It hurt so bad to watch her do this to Tegan. Tegan’s distressed whimpers made me want to bawl even harder.

She humiliated her.

I was completely heartbroken.

My hate grew for Lindsey as I watched her smile at the camera and blow a kiss. She planned to send me this; she wanted to hurt me, even after she had already hurt Tegan and corrupted her.

I locked my phone and chucked it. I threw my face to my pillow and used it to wipe my tears as I screamed harder into it. It hurt so fucking bad. I wanted her back with me, safe and in my arms where she wouldn’t be hurting.

I had to go get her. It took all my effort to get out of bed and leave, but as I started I heard loud bangs on the door and muffled cries.

It must have been Tegan.

“Please answer, Sara,” the knocking was uncontrollable as I ran to the door. All I could hear was terror in Tegan’s cries, “Please.”

I unlocked the door and snapped it open as fast as I could. There she was, completely shattered. Tegan looked at me with urgency in her glossy eyes; I had never seen her face with that much pain on it before. It tortured me to see. Tegan hung her head by the edge of the door, banging it with her fists.

“Please hold me, please hold me. Sara I’m so sorry,” she bawled as I grabbed her body into a tight embrace at the second she asked. Her body was shaking in my arms; I couldn’t bear to look at the damage Lindsey had caused on her.

“Tegan!” I cried hard that I finally had her in my arms again; she was so broken. “Tegan, baby. Oh god. Did she hurt you? Did she hurt you, baby?”

I listened to her hysterical cries and I couldn’t make out her words. She was too traumatized and it was too much for her to take in right now.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It hurts so bad, Sara,” Tegan cried as she let go of me and broke my embrace. She stumbled through the doorway and into our room and knelt down on the floor, facing the wall as she rested her head on it, slamming her fists on the wall now. I ran to her and crept down beside her to hold her tight.

“Tegan, talk to me baby. Please. You don’t have anything to be sorry about. Come here,” I grabbed her arms to uncover her face and threw mine tight around her waist. “Baby, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. Did she hurt you?”

Tegan covered her chest and crossed her legs, bawling harder than before. I pulled her up into my body and cradled her into my chest, trying to calm her down. “You’re safe now, Tee. It’s over.”

“I’m so sorry, Sara,” Tegan cried harder into my chest. I couldn’t see her face now, but could feel her hysterical tears on my skin.

“Tegan. Baby, listen to me,” I didn’t want to tilt her head up to look at me; she never liked people seeing her cry. Even me. I pulled her body closer into mine and rubbed her back to calm her, “Don’t apologize for anything; you didn’t do anything wrong, okay?”

“You saw it. She sent it to you,” I could finally make out her words now. I could hear the mortification in her cries, “I didn’t know how I got there. I didn’t know how it happened.”

I kissed her head and brushed my fingers through her hair. She smelled of sex and alcohol. She didn’t feel clean; her skin was glazed with last night’s sweat and her hair wasn’t as soft as it normally was. It sickened me that the body I was comforting had been taken advantage of by Lindsey last night.

“Tee, let me draw you a bath. You need to get cleaned up, you must feel terrible.” I tried to lift her up off of the floor. She was much stronger than me, but I was able to manage. I carried her over to the bathroom and she turned the lights on for me as I put her down to sit on the countertop. I gave her a delicate kiss on the cheek and went over to start running the hot water.

“You’ll feel better after this, Tee. Promise,” I looked over at her tear-glossed face. She just nodded her head, still not able to look up at me yet since I saw her.

I let the water run as I went back over to Tegan, gripping at the seam of her shirt. “Can I take this off?”

Tegan shook her head as she closed her eyes tight. Her naked body probably reminded her of last night.

“It’s just me, baby. Come on, you need to wash up.”

Tegan hesitated and then looked up at me, lifting her arms with a self-conscious expression. I lingered to look at her once I took off the article of clothing, before asking if I could remove her bra. I inched my hands towards her bra, looking at her again for permission before I unclasped it. Reluctantly, again, she gave me consent to undress her. I tried to comfort her by gently pecking her collarbones. I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t hurt her like Lindsey did.

She looked long and hard into my eyes and I couldn’t look away from her. She had a serious look on her face, but still broken. “I only want you to see my body, Sare.”

It hurt me when she said that. I wondered if there was a way I could have stopped last night from happening, “I know, baby. It’s never going to happen again.”

Tegan lifted her hips before I even asked and she leaned her back to the wall as I slipped off her leggings and panties. She was wearing the same ones when we had our first time. As I took them off of her, all I could think of was Lindsey doing the same last night and Tegan probably begging her not to.

I brought her into a hug as I let her to stand on her own, “Let me know if it’s too hot.”

Tegan went over to stick her hands in the water, “It’s perfect. Thanks, Sare.” She stepped her foot in the bath and sat down. For the stronger twin, she looked so small and fragile as I watched her sit down and bring in her knees to her chest. “Hey, Sare?”

“Yeah, Tee?”

“Can you stay with me? Please?” I looked into her glistening brown depths; she looked as if there was a chance I would say no to her.

I took off my clothes and threw them down onto the bathroom tile.

“Of course,” I smiled at her wholeheartedly as she watched my breasts fall after taking off my bra.

Tegan inched her body forward and I stepped into the water behind her, parting my legs to either sides of hers. I brushed my hands along her arms, feeling her skin and all of the ink on it until our arms hugged her waist. “This okay?” I asked her as I wiped tears off of her face and placed my arms back on hers.

“Mhm,” Tegan breathed, letting out a long exhale as she rested the back of her head under mine. I was right; she was beginning to calm down now.

“Do you remember anything?” I questioned, hesitant to whether or not she was ready to talk about it.

“A little bit, Stacy told me the rest.” I didn’t speak. I waited for her until she was ready to continue. “I remember leaving the room last night. I couldn’t sleep. I got dressed and went to the bar for a drink.”

I brushed my fingers over her arms; I had a feeling where this was going, “Why couldn’t you sleep?”

“I felt terrible, Sare. I felt so guilty about Stacy—hurting her and everything. And most of all, I felt guilty for the way it made you feel. I saw that look on your face. That day was horrible.”

“I knew it was going to hurt, Tee. But I knew I would be happier with you. I love you so much. And no matter how much Stacy hurt me or how much I hurt you, we told each other it didn’t matter. Our love was worth more than any of that,” I comforted her, hearing my voice echo against the walls.

“I know, Sare. I know. You were just so hurt. I couldn’t sleep. I needed to forget about it a little, at least for that night.”

I tried to piece the story as best as I could, “So you saw Lindsey at the bar?”

“Mhm. The last thing I remember was her coming over to me and bringing me a drink. She kept trying to bring me back to her room. She said she missed me,” Tegan paused for a second before she continued, “Please, Sare. Please know that I told her I didn’t want to go to her room. I told her she messed up her chances of ever being with me. I made it clear that I didn’t want her. I told her I was seeing someone.”

“Tee, I trust you. I believe you,” I gently massaged her back as we talked about everything, “Did you tell her it was me?”

“No,” I waited for her to keep talking, “I don’t know how she found out.”

“Did you get my voicemail?” I interrupted her.

Tegan shook her head and turned her face to mine.

“She must have listened to it. That must be how she found out,” I explained, “I said I love you by accident—I was really flustered, I was freaking out and thought I would never see you again.”

“It was either that or Stacy told her.”

We sat in silence, listening to the waves of the water and our own thoughts as I rubbed Tegan’s back. “So do you know how you ended up in her room, did Stacy tell you?”

Tegan nodded her head up and down. I assumed this was the part she didn’t remember and was too pained to tell. She took a deep breath in, “Stacy told me this part,” she sighed out, “She said Lindsey put something in my drink and eventually I wasn’t feeling well, so I asked Lindsey to take me back to my room. Then she took me to hers. And then—” I could hear the trauma in her voice as she mustered up the nerve to say it, “—she raped me.”

I felt Tegan’s body tense up as she said the word, “She made Stacy touch me, too. Stacy felt terrible; she was crying and she helped me find my clothes in the morning. She got me my wallet and everything and walked me out the door. But she filmed it; I’m assuming she was drunk. They both were, but I faintly remember her laughing the whole time. Everything was a blur.”

I thought back to her hysterical laughs that Lindsey recorded as she touched Tegan. She definitely remembered right, “I don’t want to forgive her. I can’t believe she would sink to Lindsey’s level and help her do that to me. She could have stopped it.”

I had nothing to say and all I could do was hold her and tell her it was going to be okay. “You’re strong, Tee. You’ve always been the stronger one. I’m not going anywhere; I’m going to be with you by your side whatever happens. And we’ve dealt with a lot of stuff the past few days. Just know that, okay baby?”

Tegan turned her head to face me; her hair was slightly damp from me running my wet fingers through it. Water dripping down her face now and I saw a small smile source from the corner of her lips. She took my hand from her shoulders and held it so tight, “Together, right?”

“Always,” I smiled as I kissed her cheek, “I’m gonna get out now. Get washed up and meet me out in the room, okay? I left you some clean clothes on the counter.”

“Okay.” Tegan brushed my hand against hers one last time and I grabbed my towel, drying myself off before I left to the bedroom. I found some clean, comfy clothes that I packed away in the drawers and picked up my iPhone.

 _Sara_ :  _Hey, Ted. Tegan’s here; she was at Lindsey’s. She’s gonna be okay, but today’s going to be rough for her. I’ll let her tell you herself. But head’s up, Stacy is here with Lindsey, too. We’re gonna spend a few hours here together. We’ll be over in a bit, just gonna rest up first. Thanks for staying with me last night and helping me look for her. You are amazing friends. I love you guys so much._

I dried off my hair and body and put on my clean clothes—sweats and an oversized T-shirt—I wasn’t going to be up to much today. I laid on the couch and waited for Tegan to finish in the bathroom.

_Ted: Hey, Sare. We heard her in the hallways coming to your room. She didn’t sound very good; I hope she’s okay. Stay with her for as long as she needs; you’ll make her feel better, you always do. Stop by whenever you’re ready; take your time there’s no rush. You are gonna do great tomorrow. Just knock if you need anything, okay? Love you guys, too._

Tegan came out dressed in comfortable clothes and blow-dried hair, still slightly damp. She came over to me to lay beside me on the couch. I put my arm around her and let her come in closer. We stayed in each other’s embrace, not saying a word since she came in and stared at the glass the overlooked the city of Verona. It was beautiful.

“Nice view,” I broke the silence, looking over to my shoulder and smiling at Tegan.

“You’re talking about Verona, right?” Tegan teased softly.

“Yeah,” I kept my gaze on her as I kissed the top of her head, she smelled so much better now. “You’re beautiful, too.”

For the first time, I think I actually made Tegan blush. She didn’t say anything, but looked down and then back up at me. It was pretty cute. After all, she was rather vulnerable right now.

“Hey, Sare,” I shot my glance back toward her again, “We made love on this couch.”

I laughed at her stating the obvious; she had a bit more of a smile on her face now. She was strong and I would always admire that from her, “Well, I wouldn’t exactly call that making love.”

“Then what would you call it?” Tegan quipped.

“Not that,” I giggled and didn’t want to say it.

“I haven’t stopped thinking about that night,” she was playing with my hands in hers, putting them on her arms to hold her again. I remembered how I acted that night and all the things I said and let her do to me. Wow. Why was she bringing this up now?

I swallowed hard. I finally thought I was the one in control, but there she was again making me nervous. “Yeah?”

She wasn’t trying to taunt me; she stroked her hands up and down my body. “Yeah. Like wow, I can’t stop thinking about it. You were so—” Tegan paused, looking for the right word to describe it.

“Dirty?”

“Yes,” Tegan exclaimed, “Oh my god, yes.” She was laughing a little at me, but I knew she did actually like it. Still not trying to get a rise out of me. She noticed this conversation was making me a little nervous and lowered her tone, “Then there’s times where you’re so sweet and innocent. And we just make love. I love that.”

“Yeah,” I let out an uncomfortable giggle. Curious as to why she brought it up.

“So, where’d that Sara come from?”

Why did she ask me these questions? She was supposed to be hurt right now; I guess I do make her feel better. She felt safe and comfortable and I could tell by the way that she changed the subject. “Tee,” I laughed as I tried to give her an answer, “why do you ask me these things? I don’t know, I was really into it that night. You really turned me on.”

“I did?”

“Yeah,” I laughed, “You always do. I guess it was the toys if we’re going to be honest. You reenacted my dream; that was pretty sexy. It felt really good. And it was with you; that’s all that mattered to me.”

“Watching you, though,” I could tell Tegan was thinking back to it, “My god, Sara. I didn’t think you would be into the nipple clamps when I found out you hadn’t even used a dildo. That’s why I wasn’t gonna show them to you. Until you told me you wanted me to,” I could see Tegan was back into her thoughts of that night again, “To hurt them.”

I let out another awkward giggle, “Well, it felt good. I didn’t know I’d be into it, either. I’ll do anything with you, though. As long as it’s with you.”

Tegan brushed her hand on my face, “Anything? Wow I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Well, okay. Not anything,” I reasoned with her.

“I’m kidding, Sare,” she chuckled as she leaned up and kissed me on the lips for the first time since yesterday night. “Hey,” Tegan looked serious into my eyes as if she had been waiting to tell me something. She had my head resting on her arm now as she had herself propped up overtop of me. “There’s something I never got to tell you directly yet.”

I put my walls back down, distracted by the sweet, love-eyed look in her deep brown orbs as they stared into mine. “Yeah?” I giggled softly, “What’s that?”

“I’m in love with you.”

We kept our gazes fixed on each other and I noticed her eyes became glossy again. So did mine. I’d been waiting to hear her say it. It felt so good; I felt butterflies rise in my stomach as my brain urged my lungs to inhale before I lost my breath. I pressed my lips together, trying to suppress a huge smile on my face and only giving rise to a small one. As if she didn’t know that she made me happy already.

“I love you, Tee.” When my voice kept me from keeping my lips pressed any longer, I shot Tegan a huge smile and couldn’t hold it in. It felt as if my body was almost shaking; Tegan could feel it, too. I had fallen head over heels for her and it felt so good for her to finally reciprocate it.

She pressed her mouth to mine and our tongues brushed against one another into a passionate kiss. I loved feeling the heat of her lips against mine, but this one felt more special. She held my jaw in her hand while her other brushed back my hair. I felt as if I had just dropped down from the highest roller coaster. I felt ecstatic. Time stood still and I was so far-gone.

After we made out, Tegan relaxed her head back under mine. We were exhausted and it was time to rest. She placed her hand between my chest and I could feel my heart pounding against her. We listened to the silence that filled the room; it was peaceful. We were back together, comfortable and safe. I listened to her breaths becoming heavy as she fell asleep in my arms.

We were in this together; the highs and the lows, good times and bad, through thick and thin. We were in love and inseparable. Nobody could come between this bond that we shared. In that moment, I knew everything was going to be okay.


	24. Ocean

**Sara**

 

Tegan’s whimpers startled me just as I felt her jutting against my body as she slept overtop of me on the couch. It sounded like she was having a nightmare. I could hear her muttering words in her sleep and I knew she was having hallucinations of what happened last night.

 

“No, please,” Tegan tossed and turned, gripping onto my shoulder, “This isn’t my room. Take me back to my room.” Her cries became louder and more startling. I didn’t know whether or not it was okay to wake someone when they were having a nightmare, so I wrapped my arms around her body and rubbed small circles at the small of her back to try and calm her down.

 

“Shh, Tee. It’s okay. It’s not real. You’re having a nightmare. It’s over, baby.” I kissed her head and stroked her hair as she held onto me tighter. I was worried last night would traumatize her for the rest of her life.

 

She eventually calmed down and lay still in my arms and I could feel her curls tickling my face. She smelled so good. It still felt surreal to be able to hold her in my arms like this; this is exactly what I wanted. Her whimpers calmed down to quiet hums against my ear.

 

I was wide-awake now, but I didn’t want to wake her up. It felt nice having her close to me like this. It made me feel so much more comfortable with her lying next to me. We were sharing something on a much more intimate level. She looked so peaceful and sweet and I couldn’t bear to wake her from her sleep.

 

“I love you, Tegan.” I couldn’t help myself but to say it whenever it came to my mind, even if she was unconscious. She hummed further into my ear and I felt her vibrations as she did.

 

“I love you, Sare,” I could make out the faintest whisper, even as her face lay next to mine. With Tegan’s chest against mine, listening to her heartbeat, euphoria filled my chest as the words came out of her mouth. Hearing those three words were bliss; I could never get tired of hearing that.

 

I pulled out my iPhone from my back pocket and slid my finger up on the screen to use my camera, turning the lens to me. Tegan’s face was soft against mine and I kissed her forehead as I snapped a photo. She let out another peaceful hum.

 

There was a faint knock on the door that startled me and Tegan didn’t flinch. I slowly and gently lifted her body off of mine, trying not to wake her. Despite her reciprocating my words in her sleep, she seemed to be in pretty deep.

 

I tucked Tegan in on the couch as I got up and put a light blanket over her, giving her a light kiss on the cheek. I trudged over to the door and looked through the peephole to see who it was.

 

I didn’t want to open the door; it was Stacy. I hated her so much and didn’t want to see her face. She wasn’t going to stop knocking and I had to answer, or else she would wake Tegan. I opened the door only slightly for her as I flashed her a dirty look.

 

“Leave right now,” I scolded her in a low, stern voice and I shut it on her.

 

Stacy kicked her foot along the edge of the doorway and clearly wasn’t going to give up. “Sara, wait. Please just let me talk.”

 

“Stacy, get your foot out of the door. We don’t want to talk to you.”

 

“Where’s Tegan?” Stacy kept speaking calmly as I fought to raise my voice at her.

 

“Sara?” I heard Tegan rustling from her sleep as she awoke, lifting her head up from the blankets. “Who is it?”

 

“No one,” I kept my anger on Stacy.

 

“Tegan, it’s me. Please, Sara, let me talk to her,” Stacy kept her foot in the door as she began to beg. “Please?”

 

“I’m never going to forgive you for what you did to her,” Tegan was listening in on our conversation now.

 

“Sare, it’s okay. Let her say what she has to say. She can come in,” Tegan allowed, sympathetic toward Stacy.

 

Stacy looked at me with apologetic eyes, grateful that Tegan was giving her a chance. I rolled my eyes at Stacy as I opened the door and gestured for her to come in. I wasn’t being very inviting, but she didn’t deserve to be here. Tegan was being too nice for what she had done.

 

“Thanks, Sara,” Stacy said to me as I opened the door for her.

 

Tegan sat up on the bed as Stacy walked towards her, wrapping herself in the blanket. I quickly walked ahead of Stacy and sat beside Tegan so that I would be in the middle of them. I didn’t want her sitting beside her.

 

Stacy sat beside me and I knew she could feel my resentment as she gathered together another apology to Tegan. I held Tegan’s hand tight, waiting for Stacy to start talking.

 

“Tegan, I didn’t come here to apologize again. You’ve heard me say it enough today and I don’t think I could apologize enough to make it up to you. I just hope you know that if I could do last night over again I would have never done it. I was just so mad about losing Sara and I didn’t think. I went along with Lindsey because I wanted to hurt you. I was so angry that you went behind my back and took Sara from me.”

 

A million thoughts ran through my mind as Stacy spoke. I had no idea what Tegan was thinking, but I couldn’t bring myself to ever forgive her. I didn’t give a fuck that Tegan reciprocated feelings for me, that doesn’t mean Stacy could just humiliate her like that.

 

“Stacy,  _I_  fell in love with Tegan first. That wasn’t her fault. You shouldn’t be directing your anger toward her, it was my fault if anything,” I interrupted Stacy’s rambling.

 

“I know. I guess I’m just bitter that this happened, and that Tegan won you over. It’s like I wasn’t good enough for you,” Stacy explained.

 

“Stacy, you had sex with my sister. Do you know how much that hurts right now? And you helped Lindsey take advantage of her. She is so heartless; don’t you know that yet? She sent me the fucking video for fuck’s sake. She didn’t give a shit about what she did.”

 

“I know, Sare. I know. I fucked up. I deleted the video, I promise. You can look through my phone. We were in the same cab on our way to the airport, and then we decided to stay a few more nights since I barely here. She saw how heartbroken I was over you. I stayed in her room when she went down to the bar. And that’s where she found Tegan and brought her up to our room. She started undressing her in front of me and I hated that she did that. I didn’t want to be there.” She turned over to Tegan, “I hated you so much and I don’t know why she had the nerve to do that in front of me. You were probably unaware of anything by then.”

 

I held harder onto Tegan’s hand and stroked her warm fingertips as I hated knowing where this story was going. “I was really drunk, I know that’s no excuse. I needed something to drown the pain and Lindsey gave me her alcohol. You broke my heart, Sara, and I couldn’t look at Tegan ever again, and there she was with Lindsey last night. You reminded me so much of Sara and you were just laying there naked. Lindsey made me sit on the bed with you two and she put my hand between your legs,” Stacy was shedding tears now.

 

Tegan squeezed my hand and I could feel her body shaking as she let out a few tears, reminding her of last night. “Tegan, I should have said no. I should have stopped her from touching you, too. But I knew you didn’t want her and I wanted you to feel pain, and I just couldn’t. I was in such an angry state and I was drinking. That’s no excuse, I know. And she kept telling me to touch you and putting my hands on you. I just couldn’t stop thinking of Sara. And when she gave me her camera I couldn’t help myself. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted to make you feel the pain I felt. I was humiliated.”

 

Tegan shuddered into cries and it hurt me to watch and not be able to do anything but hold her. “I would never objectify you like that, Stacy. Lindsey already hurt me, and now you. We wanted to tell you, you know we did. We didn’t go out of our way to hurt you, but you did.” Tegan cried harder as she buried her head into my shoulder as I looked at Stacy without any remorse. I despised her, I didn’t care how many apologies she gave. What she did was wrong.

 

“Tegan, I know. I know. It hurts to know what I did to you; seeing you like that this morning after what Lindsey did to you. It hurt so much, I sunk to her level and I listened to her. I don’t expect you to forgive me now, or ever. But if there’s anything I can do to help you forgive me, I will do it.”

 

I caressed up and down Tegan’s back as her head was still buried into my chest and I gave Stacy a cold stare, “I am never going to forgive you, Stacy. You’re just as terrible a person as Lindsey.” Tegan bawled harder as I spoke.

 

“Tegan,” Stacy breathed as she inched her hand over to Tegan’s shoulder and Tegan flinched at her touch.

 

“I never thought you would do this to me. You were always so sweet and I thought Lindsey loved me after all these years. She never even apologized to me about anything that she did this past week. She doesn’t even care. You used me, too, Stacy. You raped me because I reminded you of Sara and you gave power to Lindsey to objectify me. And you knew I was in love with Sara. You knew that Lindsey was cheating on me,” she tried to look up at her but didn’t want Stacy to see the weakness on her face. “You were trying to hurt Sara, too. You could have made her hate me. I was so worried she was going to hate me, Stacy.”

 

I would have never hated Tegan for doing that; she didn’t do anything. She couldn’t have stopped any of last night from happening. She was out of her mind to think I would have never understood.

 

“Tegan, you have every right to hate me right now. Just please know that this will never happen again. And if there’s anything I can do to gain your trust back—both of you—I’m there, okay? I’m hurt. I’m heartbroken, but I hurt you more Tegan and I’m forever going to work to earn back your trust again. I don’t ever want you to hate me,” Stacy apologized.

 

“I don’t hate you, Stacy,” Tegan looked up at her with vulnerability, “I appreciate your apology and you coming here. Lindsey wouldn’t ever make that effort. Just give me time. I’m sure everything’s going to be okay.”

 

I looked to Tegan with surprise. She had always been to sweet and forgiving, I hope she knew what she was doing. I was always the one to hold a grudge, but Tegan was one to forgive and forget too easily. She had so much heart.

 

Stacy held onto Tegan’s arm and was grateful for her words, another tear streaming down her eye—this time from happiness. “Thank you, Tegan. I appreciate that, I really do. Take all the time you need.” I wasn’t ready to unhate Stacy that easily, I wasn’t there last night and my mind went to the worst possible scenario—which it basically was.

 

With her hands still on Tegan as I held her in my arms, Stacy looked at me long and hard. “Sara, I mean well. Please know that.”

 

“You can go now, Stacy.” I wasn’t ready to forgive her as quickly as Tegan was ready to appreciate her apology. There was still a part inside of me that couldn’t accept it yet; it was still so fresh in my mind and so disrespectful that I just couldn’t let myself do it yet.

 

Stacy let go of Tegan and looked to me as she stood up from the couch, “Okay, Sare. It’s okay. I understand. Talk to me when you’re ready. Take all the time you need.” Stacy paced over to Tegan’s side and opened her arms for a hug. Tegan shook her head and broke into tears, “I’m sorry, Stacy.”

 

“It’s okay, take your time. Anything, okay? Anything at all that I can do, let me know,” Stacy looked from Tegan to me, as she owned up to her faults. Tegan got up and walked to the door, “I’ll walk you out.”

 

Stacy didn’t say anything as she walked at Tegan’s side, having her open the door for her. They took one last look at each other and Tegan gently shut the door behind her. I could see the million emotions that were defenseless on Tegan’s face as the silence crept in. Tegan stood at the doorway, quiet and vulnerable as we locked eyes.

 

“Come back over here, babe,” I held the blanket tight to my chest and tried my best to flash a smile at Tegan. She took a deep breath and came to lie down next to me; she didn’t speak. She gave me a kiss on the cheek as she propped herself up overtop of me.

 

“I’m sorry, Tee. I’m just not ready to forgive her,” I looked into her deep brown depths. I knew she was waiting for me to say something; she probably thought I was being too cruel to Stacy.

 

“It’s okay, Sare,” Tegan paused to press her lips to mine, “I’m not either, but the fact that she came here means a lot. Lindsey would never have done that.”

 

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

 

“You two have been together for two years, you know she has a good heart. She meant what she said.”

 

“Mhm,” I murmured with pressed lips. Tegan did have a point; Stacy always was kind-hearted. And I know she didn’t deserve what Tegan and I did to her, but right now I wasn’t ready to tell her she’s forgiven. She gave Lindsey power. Who knows if Lindsey still has the video? I’m sure she wouldn’t delete it and I wouldn’t be surprised if she sent it to other people. Or God forbid, leaked it. She keeps proving me wrong, but I hope to God she isn’t  _that_ cruel.

 

“I’m still so shaken up by all of this, but Sare, I really do know everything is going to be okay.” Tegan’s high hopes always had me a little bewildered and taken aback. But I guess one of us has to be the optimistic one.

 

I brushed my fingers through Tegan’s hair and pulled her close to me. “I know, baby. It will be,” I lied. I didn’t know how everything was going to be okay right now. I’m glad Tegan was staying positive because I definitely needed it.

 

I felt Tegan’s breath on my lips as she leaned in closer to kiss me. She distracted me from my thoughts as I focused on her hums vibrating on my mouth. She tasted so sweet and I took in the warmth of her face on mine. She felt so good; she means the world to me and I had her all to myself.

 

After she teased me with kisses, making it hard to resist her and tempted to go further, she broke the kiss. “Babe, let’s go to Ted and Jasper’s room.”

 

She totally just did that to me. My mind was so hazy with the things I wanted to do to her and she just stopped. She didn’t even give me an option. I wanted to keep kissing her. “Oh. Um, yeah. Okay.”

 

She definitely knew what I was thinking by the look on my face that I couldn’t hide. Tegan just laughed at me as she stroked her fingers hard against the corner of my lips, “Sare, I’ll make it up to you tonight. We’ll have plenty of time for that. Promise. Let’s go rehearse.”

 

She was being such a tease on purpose, but again she was right; we had to rehearse. The show’s tomorrow night and I was starting to get really excited to start performing again. Tegan pushed herself off of me as I followed and we got ready to leave.

 

We spent most of the night there with the guys. Tegan filled them in on everything, but assured them she was going to be okay. The guys had a newfound hate for Lindsey and, like us, were on the edge about their feelings for Stacy. They wouldn’t do it, but they were saying we should give her a serious beating if we ever saw her again. That didn’t sound like a bad idea. As for tomorrow, we went through the whole set list and it was going really well. We were getting really pumped up for tomorrow.

 

When we got back to the room it was about midnight and my mind was focused on how Tegan was going to make it up to me. I felt like it was a little late, but on the other hand we didn’t have to be up early tomorrow since we were already in Verona. I didn’t want to bring it up and I was going to wait until she did.

 

Tegan was the last one in the hotel room and shut the door, “You tired, Sare?”

 

I was a bit, to be honest, but I knew she was hinting at doing something with me. And I wasn’t going to refuse that, “No, are you?”

 

“Okay good, I want to take you somewhere. Go get ready.”

 

I stared at Tegan in surprise and excitement; I didn’t think she had anything actually planned for tonight. I had no idea where was going to take me. She shot me a smile as she let me get ready in the bathroom first.

 

“Oh yeah. Sare?”

 

I was just about the close the bathroom door behind me as she turned back around. “Yeah?”

 

“Wear a dress,” I almost laughed at what she said. She had a smirk on her face that I couldn’t quite read. I barely ever wore anything other than leggings or jeans and dresses were barely ever my style.

 

“Why?” I asked her after I thought to myself as to why she would say that.

 

“Just do it,” she snickered as she walked away to sit on the couch. I shut the door behind me and got ready in the bathroom. I just fixed up my hair, makeup and put on some perfume and I was out in five minutes.

 

I opened the door and walked over to the dresser drawers to see if I brought a dress. Tegan walked into the bathroom and I couldn’t help but think she was acting a little bit suspicious. It was probably because she didn’t want me to know what she was up to for tonight. I searched through the drawers to see the clothes I brought and found a black, boxy dress with short sleeves. It was similar to the oversized T-shirts I would wear on stage, but a little more fitting.

 

While Tegan was getting ready in the bathroom, I tried on the dress and took a look in the mirror by the front of the door. It actually suited me and I was a little shocked that it did. I looked at myself and gussied up for what felt like a good ten minutes. I didn’t hear any water running, so Tegan wasn’t showering or anything like that.

 

“Tegan, what’s taking so long?” I knocked on the bathroom door in a whine.

 

“I’ll be out in a minute, babe,” I heard shuffling in the bathroom, sounding like she was getting dressed. “You ready, Sare?”

 

“Yep, I am.” I was a little nervous now. I was wearing a dress and this was technically a date. And if we were technically calling this a date, then technically it would be a first date. What was wrong with me, why was I getting so nervous? I felt the adrenaline rush in my stomach as I waited for Tegan to be done, anxious now for what she had planned.

 

I checked my phone and looked at the time as I tried to pass it, feeling tense now. I finally heard the door slide open and my beating heart felt like it stopped. My nerves didn’t seem to go away. She smiled at me as I sat on the bed, “Okay, I’m ready.”

 

She was wearing a black and white striped shirt underneath a black, unbuttoned cardigan and a roomy pair of grey pants with a belt. She had her hair straightened and it was almost at her shoulders; she looked beautiful. I didn’t say anything, but just smiled as she looked at me. I knew Tegan could tell I was a little nervous for tonight.

 

“You look beautiful, Sare.” Tegan walked towards me and crawled on the bed, pulling my face into a heated kiss. I still had butterflies whenever she did that. She took my hand and got me off the bed, “Come on, it’s getting late.”

 

I put on my flip-flops and she put on hers. Tegan opened the door and let me go first. She shut the door behind her and took my hand again. I felt smitten that her fingers were interlaced with mine and still infatuated at her touch. We stood in the elevator, hand in hand and lips pressed to one another until we reached the lobby.

 

Tegan kept her hand held in mine while we walked outside. I didn’t know if it was smart for us to be doing this—after all this was a public place and for all I knew there could be fans here going to see the show tomorrow. It made me nervous but I didn’t think twice since I was so enraptured by her touch.

 

We walked towards the outside and this path looked familiar to me. There was not a person in sight now and all I could hear were crickets in the cool night sky. “So when can I know what we’re doing?” I was too busy drowning in my thoughts to realize we weren’t talking until now.

 

“You don’t recognize this yet?” Tegan looked at me in surprise.

 

“No, well kind of. Should I?” I was confused; I couldn’t completely make it out.

 

“I hope you’ll remember when we get there at least. Or at least when we get a bit closer.” Tegan massaged her fingers against my knuckles; it felt amorous to be out here so late in a romantic city when no one else was, hearing nothing but the nature in Verona. I was curious where she was taking me and couldn’t hold in my smiling any longer.

 

I let out a giggle and then I felt sand come into my flip-flops. And then it hit me. My laughter came to a halt when I thought about its significance.

 

“The beach?”

 

“Look familiar now?” Tegan beamed at me and tightened her clasp on my hand.

 

“Yeah,” I breathed, knots in my stomach, “this is where we had our first kiss.”

 

“Glad you remember,” Tegan let out an innocent laugh as she took my hand and sat down by the ocean. “I thought it would be romantic to come down here, don’t you?”

 

“Mhm,” I recollected my memories of that day, “that was our first night in Verona. I was so hopelessly in love with you and I was so depressed. I had to come here to think.”

 

“Then I came after you,” Tegan smiled and stroked my cheek. “You were sitting right here when I found you, remember?”

 

I laughed at the thought of that day as we listened to the ocean waves coming in and wetting our feet. “I do. I was so miserable. I didn’t want you to look at me or touch me. And then I found out you read my journal.”

 

“See, Sare. You should have just told me the truth,” she jested as she gently nudged my shoulder.

 

“Yeah, right,” I nudged her back and she pressed her hand to the sand and uncrossed her legs to get up. She bent her knees after standing up and put my arms around her.

 

“And then I took you like this,” she said as she gripped her hands to my hips and picked me up, straddling my legs around her like she did when we were last here. She adjusted her hands so that they were under my dress and on my skin as she carried me to the cement wall underneath the start of the pier. “And you kept yelling at me to put you down. But I didn’t listen to one word you said,” Tegan was kissing me as she narrated the build-up to our first kiss. I had my arms tight around her and I didn’t want to let go.

 

Tegan lightly pressed my back against the wall just as she set me down. She knelt down facing me and I kept my arms and legs wrapped around her. “I didn’t realize you were such a romantic”, I breathed, barely able to stop kissing her. She had her fingers entangled in my hair now and holding my face as we tasted each other’s lips under the stars. My voice was quieted now and I couldn’t get a word in. All I could hear was the rustling of our bodies pressed against each other, the thudding of my body against the wall and sharp exhales with the end of each kiss. I felt like I was about to lose my breath.

 

I didn’t think Tegan was going to respond to me and wasn’t interested in talking right now; she was too into making out. “Yeah, guess I am,” she managed to let out between a kiss, not wanting to break them as she pressed her lips against mine for another. I could feel my bare thighs rubbing against her pants; a little shy that maybe she could feel that I was wet.

 

She squeezed my thighs hard as she released a moan through our kiss and pulled my hips closer into hers. I was almost lost in the kiss until I felt something hard against my thighs. I felt a rise in my core as it became sensitive and I jolted out of the kiss, locking eyes with her. Tegan looked at me, serious, parting her lips as she looked down, took off her belt and unzipped her pants.

 

“Do you want to?” Tegan gripped the dildo as she slid it out of her pants and looked up at me. She was strapped before she came here, “I know how much you liked it last time.”

 

Oh fuck. That turned me on so much; my body was shaky now and then my voice, too. “Yeah,” I swallowed thick as I took it in my hands, feeling its size. I lifted my hips up and Tegan helped slide my panties off and threw them over beside me on the sand. While Tegan kept my hips lifted off of her, she slid her hands under my dress again and lifted it up slightly. She had her hands on my bum and I had my grip on the dildo, she guided my body closer to it.

 

I had my sight set on the toy and took a deep breath as the tip caressed my opening. I let out a sharp exhale and looked over to Tegan’s serious face. I could hear Tegan swallow as another rush of ocean waves came in to the shore and the summer breeze brushed my legs. I leaned my face in close to hers, taking my grip off the dildo and onto Tegan’s flexed biceps as she held me up and slowly pressed me down.

 

I hummed out a shriek through our kiss as I felt the toy go deep inside me. I gripped harder onto Tegan’s arms, feeling the warmth and softness of her sweater. She kept me down on the dildo and continued to kiss me and then slowly lifted my hips again and back down onto it, creating a slow rhythm.

 

Tegan listened to my uncontrollable, delicate whimpers in her ear as she slowly picked up her speed but kept it at a slow pace. “How does that feel?” She breathed in my ear as she kissed me there.

 

“Mmh,” I let out a louder shriek at the sound of her voice in my ear. She was kissing my jaw now and was so delicate and gentle with me this time. She trailed her mouth down to my neck, almost sucking at my skin and taking my moans as a plea to go harder.

 

“I just want to go slow, baby.” She squeezed my thighs harder as she caressed them. “I don’t want to rush it, I wanna make love to you here.” I knew why she wanted me to wear a dress now. She knew I would be too shy to be naked and have sex on the beach. I wasn’t that type of person and as far as I knew, neither was she.

 

My breaths became heavier the more we got into it. I was worried I may have been dripping on her but tried not to focus on that. She could see there was something causing anxiety in my face and she stroked my face in her hand, “You feel so good, Sara. Your body feels so good.”

 

She massaged her tongue onto mine and I felt so much passion in the kiss; she felt so good inside me I could barely speak. I had to break the kiss, “Tee,” I stared into her glistening, lustful depths, “what if I’m—what if I’m ruining your pants.” I was embarrassed to say it.

 

“It’s okay, baby. Just keep going,” She was panting her breaths and started kissing me hard again, clearly not worrying if I was soaked. “Does that feel good?”

 

“Oh!” I shrieked as she jerked inside me harder, but keeping it slow, “Yes, Tee. You feel so good.”

 

She gripped my hips, thrusting me up and down and brushed our lips together. “I love you so much. Do you know that?”

 

I felt my back arch and feet flex, “I love you, too, Tee.” I was barely able to speak; her steady, slow rhythm inside me had me coming close. She deepened her pressure against my mouth and flicked her tongue against mine; it was almost too much to handle. I was ready to ride it out and sped up my hips against her resistant hands.

 

“Go slow, Sare,” Tegan fought against my quickened pace, wanting to make love to me and be passionate with me. It ended up teasing me more and bringing my closer to my breaking point.

 

I was shrieking hard now. She looked up at the flustered, frantic look on my face and I opened my eyes to meet her gaze. Our faces were serious now and I tried to keep my eyes from rolling back. I wanted to look at her and appreciate her, but my body was barely letting me. I could feel my pussy squeeze tight around the dildo as I fought against an orgasm. I could feel my body shaking against Tegan’s as my brows furrowed, resisting closing my eyes. I couldn’t keep my lips pressed together any longer and parted them to a pleasured cry.

 

“Don’t hold it in, Sare. Just relax, let it happen. Come,” Tegan held my thudding body against hers and kissed my hot cheeks, rubbing her fingers against the corners of my mouth. I moaned harder at the pressing of her body and hands on me. I didn’t want this to stop, I didn’t want to let myself orgasm and have this intimacy be over with, but I couldn’t resist it any longer. It almost started to hurt as I held it in.

 

Tegan kept at a slow pace, knowing it drove me nuts. I felt so close to her right now; it felt so good making love to her like this, knowing she was in love with me in a place that had so much importance. My body started fumbling, distracting me from my thoughts as I became light-headed and dizzy. Tegan held me tighter once she saw my tortured face.

 

“Let it go, Sare. Just relax,” she pressed my pussy down against her hips and I was in ecstatic bliss. I felt the bursting in my core and was so overwhelmed. My uncontrollable shaking body against Tegan’s was a sign that I couldn’t suppress it any longer. Feeling myself convulse against the dildo, I rode out my orgasm as my heart pounded excessively against Tegan’s chest. Her face was scorching hot against mine as she sucked my parted lower lip into her mouth. She held my body against the toy and my face in her hands as I came down from my heavenly state. She kissed my lips one last time.

 

I took a deep breath and regained feeling in my lungs. We looked at each other in admiration and intense passion for one another. “I love you, Sare,” Tegan whispered as she brushed my sweat-matted bangs off from my forehead, still trying to earn back my breath.

 

“I love you so much, Tee” I bowed my head into the crook of her neck as my chest heaved in and out. I slid myself off of the toy and Tegan took off her pants to unstrap herself. She took off her sweater and hid the dildo in it, pulled her pants up and laid down beside me.

 

I let my head to rest on her chest as we looked up at the night sky, looking for stars and admiring the mystery in the darkness. I turned around to face away from Tegan. I pressed my lower back into her waist, hinting at her to wrap her arms around me as she kissed the back of my neck. She squeezed her upper body close to mine and I could feel her breathing in my scent. We laid in silence listening to the ocean waves being pulled into shore.

 

I took in a deep breath as I felt the sand against my legs and Tegan’s warm body intertwined and spooned with mine. “Goodnight, sweetheart,” Tegan whispered in my ear. I turned my head to face her one last time.

 

“Goodnight. See you in the morning, my love.”


	25. Resurface

**Tegan**

The sun’s rays hit my face and woke me from my sleep. I could feel the uneven ground and grains of sand against my body as I lay by the shore and underneath the pier. I was comfortable, though; I had Sara in my arms all night and I couldn’t have asked for anything better. I listened to the wind rustling in the sky as the waves kissed the sand every so often.

 

There wasn’t anyone on the beach yet; the sun was just starting to rise and my ears were filled by the hums of early birds. I held onto Sara tighter in case she was cold and kissed the nape of her neck as I did. She had me spoon her all night and I paid attention to the inhales and exhales that moved her chest in and out.

 

The warm orange and red tints of the horizon were breathtaking on the sunrise. Sara seemed like she was still sound asleep; we only went to sleep just a few hours ago anyway, but I felt well rested nonetheless. She looked so sweet and peaceful and I couldn’t bear to wake her, but I knew people would be coming to the beach soon and I was hiding a sex toy in my sweater beside me. It was best that we went back to the room.

 

I brushed my hands up and down her arms that were covered in goose bumps and kissed the backs of her ears. “Hey,” I whispered, “good morning, beautiful.”

 

I could feel her body tense and stretch as my whispers into her ear slowly woke her. She turned her head to face me with sleepy eyes and a tranquil, close-mouthed smile. “Mmm,” Sara hummed as she eventually opened her eyes, “Morning, baby,” she turned her body to me now, resting her head on my chest and wrapping her arms around me, “did you sleep well?”

 

 _I always do when I’m next to you,_  “Yeah, did you?”

 

“Mhm. You keep me warm,” Sara lifted her head to plant a kiss on my lips. Her bangs were still matted to her forehead from her sleep and she still looked so heavy-eyed. “Should we go back to the room now? You know what today is.”

 

“You excited?” I smiled back at her as we both remembered the show tonight, getting excited now about the sole reason we came to Verona.

 

“Very,” seeing her smile like that elated me; there was nothing Sara loved more than being able to tour the world and see all of the fans that have been supporting us through all the years. She kissed me again as she got up and handed me my bunched up sweater. Sara shot me a flirtatious smile as I grabbed it from her.

 

“So,” I stammered, “last night was—”

 

“Incredible,” Sara interrupted me as she reached for my hand.

 

She took the words out of my mouth, “Yeah—that. I could get used to that every night.”

 

“That’s good. Because I wasn’t going to give you a choice.”

 

\--

 

Sara and I got back into the room and started to get ready for the day. We showered together, but had to make it quick since we had to be down to meet the guys for breakfast. It was really hard to resist her naked, wet body in front of me; we had an hour until we had to be ready to meet them. Sara had a teasing look on her face as she washed her hair and could see the torture on my face; she got out first and left the bathroom to get ready out in the bedroom. I stayed in for a little longer to enjoy the searing heat; I had my thoughts on Sara while I kicked myself for telling her we didn’t have enough time to do anything and refusing her.

 

I turned off the running water and wrapped myself in a towel, wiping off the steam from the mirror. I massaged moisturizer onto my face and onto my body. I towel dried my hair and blow-dried it until my curls were dry. Realizing I didn’t bring any clothes into the bathroom, I stepped out into the room in my towel.

 

I didn’t see Sara getting ready by the mirror by the front door like I thought and had no idea where she was. I walked over to the other room and became wide-eyed when I saw her. “Oh my God, Sara! Not now!” I took a deep breath as I gawked at her half-naked body sitting on the kitchen countertop. It was hard enough to resist her in the shower and she was making this way too difficult for me now.

 

“Please, Tee. Just come here,” I looked at her long and hard and tempted to give in; she was gesturing her fingers toward me and I tried so hard to resist her. She looked at me with seductive eyes as she adjusted her bra, pushing her breasts up, “Please, baby?”

 

Fuck. Just as I was about to shake my head and say no, I was already walking toward her and licking my lips. She parted her legs as she wrapped them around my waist and un-tucked my towel; letting it fall to the ground first. “Don’t worry, Tegan,” she started whispering in my ear and tickling it with her lips, “I’ll make you come quick.”

 

She had me at Tegan. She didn’t think twice about the dirty things she said to me anymore and I could hear myself swallow hard when she pulled me closer by my uncovered waist. She let out a flirtatious giggle while she kissed along my jaw, stroking my shoulders and guiding her hands down.

 

“Sara, baby,” I don’t even know if she was listening to me since she didn’t stop kissing me, bringing her hands to my breasts now. I put my hands on hers in an attempt to prevent her from continuing. “Fuck,” I accidentally cursed out, she knew she was provoking me and that I couldn’t turn her down, “Baby, we don’t have time to do this right now.”

 

“We have thirty minutes. We just need to put clothes on,” she kept her hands at my breasts and stroked my nipples with her thumbs. “Please, Tee? Come here,” she pulled my wet body, gesturing for me to sit up on the countertop beside her.

 

I could feel the arousal between her legs on my stomach and I could never say no when she begged like that. The granite was cold on my bare body, but Sara’s touch was warm. She straddled her legs around me and pressed her mouth up against me in a wet kiss. “I love you,” she husked her words and jabbed at me as I gave in. She broke the kiss and initiated another as she pressured her chest up against mine.

 

I had to put my hands back behind me on the counter to support me, “Don’t push it, Sare. How could I resist you like that?”

 

“Sorry,” she smiled at me with an innocent laugh, not meaning her apology whatsoever. Sara pressed my elbows down to the surface as she set my back down to follow. My back arched and shivered at the cold and I could feel Sara’s arousal dripping onto me. I took in a deep breath, annoyed with myself that I gave in.

 

I had no willpower in this situation.

 

Her soft, warm lips caressed mine and my feet flexed at the anticipation of what she was going to do. She raked her nails through my hair and had her leg between mine, pressing against my centre and causing me to inhale sharp. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath; I was so turned on by her and I don’t know why I bothered to hide it anymore.

 

Sara dipped her tongue into the crook my collarbone and bit on my skin gently. I rustled my fingers through her hair as she kissed my body. Her hums vibrating on my skin caused my to shiver again as she put her lips on the bud of my nipple and flicked it with her tongue. “Oh! Fuck—” My body jerked and tensed up at how sensitive I was to her touch.

 

“Do you like when I do that?” Sara breathed as she sucked the other bud into her mouth against her tongue.

 

I didn’t say anything; I could barely handle this right now. I took another deep breath and tried to relax my body. It felt so good when she kissed me there like that; she was so sexy. I had to keep myself from slamming my head hard against the granite from the pleasure she caused me. She ran her fingers lightly over my palm, holding it delicately as she trailed her mouth down each of my ribs and then to my hips.

 

“I finally have you all to myself, Tee.” Sara reminded me as she spread my legs open before continuing, “And I’m all yours.” She inched her fingers closer to my centre and ran them over my lips, “I’m the only one that gets to see you like this,” slicking her fingers rougher along my bare skin, “And touch you like this.” She parted my lips with two fingers and kissed my clit, massaging her tongue against it, delicately at first. “And make you feel like this,” she hummed as she continued her rhythm between my legs.

 

It felt mind-blowing when she did that with her tongue on my clit. She trailed her fingers along my opening now, causing me to shudder. “You’re so quiet, Tee. Do you want me inside you?”

 

I was trying to hold in my moans and I knew with the way she was acting, she wasn’t going to go further unless I begged. “Mmh,” I moaned, breaking my silence, “Mhm. Yeah, Sare.”

 

“Does my mouth feel good on your pussy, baby?” She started to provoke me again, still caressing her fingers on my opening but not going inside.

 

“Oh god. Fuck, Sare,” I arched my back, hitting my head against the countertop as I bit my lip hard. I knew Sara was looking up at me, enjoyment in watching me struggle.

 

“Yeah?” She sucked my clit hard and kept her teasing fingers where I wanted them most, “You know how good you taste?” She ignored the fact that I wasn’t properly responding and desperate for her to keep going. Sara continued to torment me and wait until I was begging.

 

“Oh, fuck. Tegan, you’re so sexy. You want me to fuck you?”

 

I moaned out again, refusing to beg and give in to her. I always gave in—I couldn’t help it. “You’re not gonna talk to me, Tee?” She teased her fingers further inside me and pulled out slow, receiving another whimper from me. “Why don’t I tell you all the indecent things I’m gonna do to you right now on this counter?”

 

I looked into her eyes and gripped her hair; she had my body so tense from torturing me. I bit my lip and sucked in my labret, taking another deep breath as she inched her fingers toward my face and stroked my hot cheeks.

 

“Look at how wet I made you, Tee,” she stroked her fingers up and down my clit now, soaking her fingers in my juices and tasted it in her mouth. “I’m gonna fuck your pussy,” Sara teased her wet fingers back between my legs. “I’m not gonna stop until you’re screaming my name. Does that sound good?”

 

She was so assertive with me. She earned a begged cry from me, but that wasn’t enough for her to fuck me.

 

“Talk to me, baby.”

 

“God, Sara, please don’t do this to me again,” I was starting to beg. I couldn’t take it any longer.

 

“Tell me what you want,” she asserted, stern and rough.

 

“Sara, please!” I hummed forcefully.

 

She stroked her fingers and massaged them against me, “Yeah, baby?”

 

“Touch me, please. I don’t want to beg, I just want you inside me.”

 

Sara let out a mischievous giggle. Who was I kidding—I was already begging, “Keep going, Tee. I like hearing what you want.”

 

“Please fuck me. Fuck me right now, Sare. Your fingers feel so good inside me,” I was definitely begging now; I pressed my impatient hand against her fingers, probing her to go inside me already.

 

She coated her fingers with my juices and I think she was finally going to do it. Just watching her look at me when we made eye contact like that made me want to finger myself. I was so tortured by her lingering and resisting me; I wasn’t sure how she could do it when I was so tempted for her to fuck me.

 

“Think I’ve teased you enough, Tee?”

 

“Sare, fuck. Please!”

 

Sara giggled again, “Sorry, Tee. It’s hot when you beg for it. You’re so turned on right now, you’re so fucking wet. Your pussy’s gonna feel so good on my fingers.”

 

Electricity shot through my core as she talked, giving in to my begging and she thrust her middle finger inside me. Sara earned a loud cry as she stroked her digit against me; the buildup was almost painful and I couldn’t be patient for much longer. “So fucking wet, baby,” she rocked harder inside me and I could feel her second finger press into me.

 

I could hear the slicking of her fingers inside me as I dripped on her and I knew she liked it. “You like when I fuck your pussy like that?”

 

“Oh! Go harder, Sare. Fuck me harder! Please!” I was almost fumbling now, part of me not able to handle her touch and the other half unable to resist begging for more. She pinched my nipples hard between her thumb and her fingers and spanked my thighs so that a loud slap filled the room, followed by my shaking cries.

 

“Keep doing that,” I begged, “Harder, Sare.”

 

She pumped her two fingers tightly into me; I was panting hard now and had to grip the side of the counter to keep my body from collapsing. Sara was watching my body and my expressions so intensely. She licked her lips and pressed them enticingly as she gawked at my breasts bouncing up and down. I tightened my lips, biting them hard to keep my voice from crying out. She stroked her digits deeper inside of me, causing me to jerk my mouth open and scream hard into a strangled noise. I liked to think that the guys couldn’t hear any of this since we were in a different room from the bedroom beside theirs, but the walls always ended up being thinner than expected and proving me wrong.

 

I gripped my breasts in my hands to keep them from bouncing up and down hard; it almost made me self-conscious, but I knew Sara loved watching. She kept her fingers inside me as she inched her body toward and beside me. I was almost at my peak now as she let her breath tickle my ears. She tugged on my earlobe with her teeth as her lips brushed it, “Did you like fucking me last night, Tee?”

 

I gripped the edge of the counter harder and let out a cry, rolling my eyes back and pressing them tight as my brows furrowed. My body was shuddering now at her touch as she picked up her speed inside me. I could feel the heat searing off of my body from between my legs; I struggled to put my arm around her so that her body was closer to me. She still had me tormented and my body was sensitive.

 

“Look at me, baby,” she asserted as she kissed my blazing cheeks, face and body covered in sweat now. “You know I thought about fucking you on here like this when we first came to Verona?”

 

“Oh God, Sare! Fuck!” I had my hand squeezing her arm that she was fucking me with. I could feel her arms shake as her fingers pulsed into me, keeping her steady rhythm and she knew I was about to come. “Sara! Oh my god! I’m—fuck!” I could barely speak through my shaking body and her kissing my lips hard as she told me all the things she fantasized with me. “I’m gonna, ugh, Sare. I’m gonna!”

 

I could feel myself already beginning to convulse around Sara’s fingers and she put a third inside of me. I let out an uncontrollable shriek and tried to hold in my breath to quiet myself, but it felt so good that I couldn’t stay quiet.

 

“You’re so fucking good,” Sara husked in my ear, “You feel so fucking good. Your pussy is so tight.” I dug my fingernails into her back harder and gasped hard for air. “I’m not gonna let you come until you scream my name, Tee.”

 

My body shook hard, about to have an orgasm but Sara paused her rhythm. She bit hard on my neck and listened to my whimpers, tortured and tormented that she stopped just as I was about to come.

 

“Sara, fuck! Don’t stop! Don’t you dare fucking stop! I’m gonna fucking come! I’m gonna come so fucking hard!” I shrieked, body still shuddering even when she stopped thrusting, “Please, Sare. Fuck me, please!”

 

“Good girl,” Sara rewarded me by thrusting hard inside me with three fingers. A pressure in my core started building and my breaking point was coming. My body felt like it was about to explode and shatter into a million pieces, “I feel it, Tee.” Sara was about breathless as I was drowning in her pleasure, “I feel you coming.”

 

I was screaming loud now, uncontrollable and hard, unaware of anyone who may be able to hear us. I felt my pussy squeeze tight and pulse around her hand as I clenched my thighs from my orgasm that she caused.

 

“Oh!” I couldn’t stop myself from my whimpers and shrieks, “I’m coming! Oh, yes! God, yes! Fuck fuck fuck!”

 

Sara grunted as I rode out my orgasm on her soaked fingers, “Keep going baby, it feels so good.” I let my head roll back, exposing my neck as she bit and kissed it and I took in the feeling of her hot mouth against my pulse point. She stroked my g-spot until my shuddering came to a slow and she could feel my body relax.

 

“Oh my god,” Sara breathed against my face. She took the words right out of my mouth at the high she just gave me.

 

“Yeah,” I breathed in the smell of our sex that filled the room and I could feel her smile against my cheeks. “That wasn’t quick, Sare.”

 

“I know,” she chuckled, “I like taking my time with you. I lied, I’m sorry.” Sara caressed her arms around my body and squeezed me tight. “Love you so much, Tee. You make me happy.”

 

I pulled her uncovered body close to mine, playing with the lace on her bra. “Love you more, Sare bear.”

 

She looked up at me as I mentioned her nickname and slightly blushed as I stroked her bear tattoo, caressing her warm arms. Sara reached for her phone above her, checking the time as she quickly jolted up. “Let’s get dressed, Tee. We need to be down there in five minutes.”

 

\--

 

After we got dressed, we raced over to the elevator and down to the lobby to meet the guys for breakfast at the restaurant. They were already at a table; Ted waved us over and we pulled up a seat. I was sitting beside Sara and we were both across from Ted and Jasper. I could feel the area between my legs still tingling and my body still shuddering spasms as I sat down on the seat.

 

“Hey guys!” Sara exclaimed as she sat down, beaming at them. “Sleep well?”

 

“Sure did,” Jasper smiled at Sara, “You guys?”

 

“Sure did as well,” Sara grinned at them, not mentioning that we fell asleep after making sweet, passionate love on the beach. No wonder they slept well, they didn’t have us fighting or having sex to keep them up. “And yourself, Tee?” She continued.

 

I was deep in my thoughts and was sort of drowning out the conversation as I fiddled with the fork and knife on my plate. Everyone was way too chipper at this time of day and I just wanted to go back to sleep. Sara struck the inside of my leg as she glimmered again and called my name to get my attention to her question and startled me. My body was still weak and almost limp and she put her hand a little to close to where I was still really sensitive.

 

“Oh!” I let out a high-pitched moan at the feeling of her hand, rolling my eyes back and sensing a shiver up my spine as it caught me off guard. Silence filled the table as I flicked my wide eyes back at everyone to see them wide-eyed staring back at me.

 

I looked at Sara first and her jaw was dropped and stunned as I let out a shriek at her firm grip. I pressed my lips together as soon as I heard my shrilled tone, hesitant to look at Ted and Jasper. They looked away as soon as I looked at them; I could see their bodies shaking and mouths tightly closed in an attempt to hold in their laughter. Despite their efforts as they refused to look at me, I heard them snickering as they got up to get their food. As they walked further away I could hear them bursting out into laughter.

 

“Tegan! What the fuck!” Sara stretched out her words, still wide-eyed and kept her mouth open in embarrassment.

 

“So,” I paused, “we’re just gonna pretend that didn’t just happen.”

 

“Oh my fucking God,” Sara bowed her head down in humiliation as she took her plate.

 

“Why are  _you_  so embarrassed?” It was me that voiced out a whimper, after all. She had nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

“I just am!” Sara nudged my shoulder and looked like she hated me right now. Honestly her anger was starting to make me laugh a little on the inside.

 

“I’m sor-ry!” I apologized half-heartedly. “My body’s still really sensitive. It’s your fault for wanting to have sex this morning! I told you we didn’t have time!” I already knew she wasn’t going to take that comment well.

 

“Oh yeah? It’s  _my_ fault?” It’s  _my_  fault I wanted to have sex with you? Well I’m  _so_  sorry for asking, Tegan. I—”

 

Ted came back with his plate of food, alarming us as he stood between us and broke us up, “Alright, guys. If I have to see you guys fighting one more time, you’re finding a new guitar player tonight. Did you guys not fight enough this past week? Go get some god damned food already,” he jested as he nudged us toward the buffet.

 

I walked away laughing with Sara beside me as I watched her speechless. “See, Sare? He forgot about it already. No big deal!” I reassured her and nudged her on the back.

 

She didn’t say anything; I could hear her grinding her teeth at me and still refusing to look at me. “Oh, come on Sare,” I stretched out my words and poked her chest. “Relax, already. Maybe it’s  _you_  who needs to get laid.”

 

She kept her lips pursed together tight as she handed me a coffee mug from the buffet table. She kept her focus on her coffee as she poured it into her mug. “Yep,” I piped up again, “definitely you.”

 

“I hate you so much right now.”

 

“Really? I couldn’t tell.”

 

\--

 

The awkwardness, at least on my part, was nonexistent when we finished eating headed back to the elevator that was just through the lobby. People were checking in and checking out now; it was crazy busy. We trudged through tons of unfamiliar faces, some who glanced up and smiled at us, and some who even stopped to say “hello” as they recognized us. We had a window of time before we had to cab over to the venue, so we took our time conversing with some of the fans that saw us in the lobby.

 

We started heading toward the elevator again and the crowd was starting to die down. I had my eyes set on the elevator as I headed toward it and my attention was brought to a man who was staring in my direction and more importantly, at me.

 

A pool of tears sourced from my eyes as I walked closer and realized I knew that familiar face. I looked at his sweet, innocent expression and small smile forming at the corner of his mouth. He opened his arms and inched closer to me as he pulled me into a whole-hearted, sincere, long hug.

 

“Colin,” I choked up as I said his name, arms underneath his as I wrapped them around to grip his shoulders.

 

“Hey, Tegan. It’s so good to see you,” he affirmed as he rubbed my back, teary-eyed as well. For some reason, I felt very comfortable with him. Maybe that just happens when you get fucked over by the same girl; it’s like we went through a breakup together or something strange like that.

 

“How have you been? I didn’t think you would still be here,” I questioned.

 

“Neither did I. I’m doing well, though—hangin’ in there, I suppose you could say,” he didn’t sound very confident in how he was handling everything. “I’m actually buying a house here tomorrow.”

 

Wow, this guy was filthy rich; no wonder Lindsey went for him. Fucking gold digger. “Oh yeah? That’s exciting! Any chance you’re free tonight?”

 

“For you? Of course I am.”

 

“Wanna come to our show tonight? We’re just going to be hanging out backstage beforehand,” I smiled up at him.

 

“I’d love to.”


	26. Ultimatum Part I

Sara

 

Tegan was so happy to run into Colin at breakfast. Her expression and the tears on her face spoke more than words ever could. She was really fond of him and I was looking forward to getting to know him better. I’m really excited that he’s coming to the show with us tonight.

 

We had a few hours between breakfast and until we took our tour bus over to the venue. Tegan returned the favour from this morning and that was all we did until we had to leave. It was so passionate like last night and romantic unlike this morning. We couldn’t keep ourselves off of each other ever since she told me she loved me; it still didn’t feel real. I couldn’t resist her and she couldn’t resist me, either—it was perfect.

 

I got my trembling, sweat-slicked body out of bed and found some new clothes; the ones I was wearing and that were thrown on the floor wasn’t the look I was going for on stage tonight. I pulled out my signature pair of polka dot tights from the drawers along with a plain black oversized T-shirt that fell just at my thighs. I paired it with my favourite leather jacket of course. Tegan wore black tights with one of her printed T-shirts and her sleeveless denim jacket. Needless to say, she looked like a babe.

 

Tegan swung her jacket around her as she put it through her arms and pulled me close for a kiss before we went down to the lobby. Ted and Jasper joined us in the bus and it wasn’t a long drive to get there. Tegan held my hand the whole way there, which was only about ten or fifteen minutes, in front of the guys while we talked about the show tonight. She didn’t think twice about hiding our relationship in front of them. It made me happy that we could be ourselves and that they accepted how we felt about each other.

 

Tegan was too nervous to check how many tickets we sold for tonight’s show and I didn’t realize how big the venue was until I saw it. It made me excited and nervous at the same time, and I myself was curious to see the turnout—this would be our first time playing here. The weather was perfect today and we were going to be playing outside—the city was absolutely stunning to me even after a week.

 

Colin met up with us soon after we got there and got settled backstage. He pulled Tegan into a hug as he saw her and then me; he was such a sweetheart and he clearly wore his heart on his sleeve. I handed him a beer as he sat down and everyone else water—we have a rule that we don’t drink until after shows. Tegan and I always took our touring very seriously and never want to be looking into a crowd of blurs. It was always a great feeling to see familiar faces and be fully present on stage and feeling the exciting energy of the different crowds every night.

 

Tegan shot me flirty glances as we sat across from each other on the couch with everyone else. It was sort of fun that we had to be secretive because of Colin, so whenever he wasn’t looking we just made cute faces at each other. And it didn’t matter whether or not anyone else noticed because they didn’t care.

 

We had smiles on our faces and filled the room with lots of conversations and laughter before sound check. It didn’t hit me yet, but there was that part of me that wanted everyone to know of our love for each other and sad that that could never become a reality. It didn’t matter that she was my sister; what mattered was that we absolutely adored one another and our love for each other was honest, passionate and requited. We were crazy about each other and inseparable. We couldn’t keep our eyes or hands off of each other—at least when time allowed.

 

Colin kept talking with Ted and Jasper while we went out to greet fans and set up for the sound check. Seeing all of their smiling faces had me really pumped for the show. Tegan and I weren’t awkward as I worried now that we fell in love; we were always really good at talking with our fans and keeping them entertained.

 

“So what do you guys want to hear?” Tegan asked the audience as she lightly strummed notes on her guitar.

 

Tegan listened to the fans shouting songs at her and repeated them back to them, “Living Room, I Know I Know I Know, Northshore, I Won’t Be Left—”

 

“So I’m just gonna go backstage now,” I walked jestingly away from the audience as they laughed.

 

“No one’s a Sara fan here. This is my band.” Tegan quipped as she looked at me and back to the audience to take more requests, “Walking with a Ghost? Oh look, Sare, someone here actually likes your music,” Tegan laughed again as she started playing the chords to Living Room. “My windows look into your living room,” she started singing as she smiled at me and I flashed her a snide look as the audience boosted her ego.

 

When she finished the song, she came over and put her arm around me and looked out to the audience. The audience laughed at my face, which was repelled by her whenever she came up and showed affection for me on stage. That reaction strangely seemed to stick even after our relationship became romantic, which I thought was sort of funny. Fans always thought we had a cute sisterly bond with each other. I looked out into the crowd, wondering now who are the ones that look at Quincest tags on Tumblr and even write those fan fiction stories about us—if only they knew the truth. It felt weird thinking that about my fans and Tegan’s voice broke my thoughts.

 

“You can tell Sara just can’t wait to be back home where I can’t bother her anymore,” I looked at her and giggled as she set her guitar down, waiting for me to play one of my songs. We played an equal amount of my songs and hers—just enough to fill our thirty-minute slot for sound check and still be able to converse with everyone. It was still bright and the sun was shining; it was nice playing at an outdoor venue where it’s still light out and you can see all of the familiar and new faces.

 

“Thank you so much, guys. We’ll see you in a bit for the show!” Tegan shouted one last time as she gave them a wave and I followed. “Thank you!” I exclaimed, clearly being the shyer of the two of us.

 

“You didn’t get as much sleep last night as you usually do, babe. Want me to run over and get you a coffee?” Tegan brushed my hand as she offered.

 

“Really?” My eyes lit up at her from her physical contact and how sweet she was.

 

“Of course, Sare.”

 

“You’re so sweet, Tee.” I looked around and everyone was far away sitting on the couches, deep in conversation. I gave her a quick kiss and smiled, “Okay. Don’t be too long or I’ll miss you.” Tegan had a smile on her face as I said that. Great, I’m becoming one of those people who say cheesy things. Tegan made me that way, I guess.

 

Tegan grabbed her wallet and went to find a place where she could get me coffee. “Do you want another beer, Colin?” I asked him as I approached him with Ted and Jasper.

 

“Sure, Sara. Thanks”.

 

I walked over to the cooler, smiling to myself over how thoughtful Tegan was and how lucky I was to have her. I hummed and sang to my self as I made my way over to get Colin’s beer; digging through it to find the one he was drinking.

 

“Nice sound check, Sasa.”

 

I recognized that mocking tone from anywhere. I clashed the beer bottles against each other, startled at the familiar voice as I shot my glance up at Lindsey. I felt my jaw clench as I stared at her with hate. Her arms were crossed as she rested them on the railing, looking down at me. “You like the video I sent you the other night?”

 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I spat at her, blood boiling in my veins now.

 

“Where’s Teetee?”

 

“Leave right fucking now, Lindsey. She doesn’t want to see you.” Lindsey just stared at me with an evil smirk on her face. I hated to look at her and that she had no remorse in her expression ever. “How’d you get in here?”

 

“I’m your photographer and your sister’s girlfriend. They let me in,” Lindsey mocked me as if I just asked a stupid question.

 

“She’s not your girlfriend anymore.”

 

“Right. She’s yours, isn’t she?” She spoke carelessly with a mocking tone still in her voice.

 

“Fuck you, Lindsey.”

 

“Hey, no need to be so angry,” she continued to harass me and get on my nerves. “That’s what she told me,” Lindsey’s eyes narrowed as she looked at me more intensely, “when she fucked me that night.”

 

I shoved her back by her shoulders and tried to resist my urge to yell at her, but I couldn’t help it. “Fuck you! You fucking raped her, Lindsey! You drugged her! Do you have any fucking shame?”

 

Lindsey grabbed my wrists and I started to worry, knowing that she was stronger than me from our last fight, “Don’t touch me,” she pushed my wrists to my body. “Listen. I didn’t come to fight with you. I came to talk to you.”

 

“What do you want to talk about, Lindsey?” I clenched my fists as I spat my words at her. I don’t know what she could possibly want to talk to me about. She put her hand near my face to caress my cheek but I hit her away.

 

“Break it off with Tegan; I want her back,” Lindsey stated, stern and serious as she blazed at me with her hazel depths.

 

“What? No fucking way. She’ll never go back to you even if I did.”

 

“Break up with her,” she repeated, more serious than before.

 

“No,” I spoke again, voice louder now.

 

“I’m not asking you to; I’m telling you to.”

 

“And if I don’t?”

 

“I’ll tell everyone about you two. I’ll ruin your career,” she was threatening me now.

 

“You don’t even love her! You were going to break up with her anyway! You were fucking around with Colin!” I pushed her again, anger filling back inside me as she threatened to expose our relationship to the world.

 

“I wasn’t actually going to break up with her,” she smirked as she watched my face in shock. “She ruined it for herself, Sara.”

 

“Oh yeah? And how did she do that?”

 

“If she didn’t come to my room that night she saw Colin and I, we’d still be together. She fucked everything up that I had planned.” I didn’t think I could think of her as a terrible person the more she spoke, but she proved that it was possible the more she did.

 

I was beyond disgusted by her now, “And what did you have planned, Lindsey?”

 

“I was gonna marry Colin and keep your sister on the side. We had a good thing going, you know, physically, but she fucked it up for herself. I tried to keep her from meeting him.”

 

“You’re not going anywhere near Tegan ever again. And I’m not leaving her because of some stupid fucking empty threat. You’re so fucking sick, Lindsey. She hates you; you know that?” I pushed her again, “You’re out of your fucking mind to think she would ever touch you after you fucking did that to her! Leave right now before I call security!”

 

“You think I’m giving you an empty threat?” Lindsey laughed as she let the words out of her mouth, gently nudging me back from my push on her.

 

“Lindsey?” Colin scared me as he touched my shoulders and stared at her, “What are you doing here?”

 

“What are  _you_  doing here?” Lindsey looked confused and clearly didn’t plan for Colin to be here with us.

 

“Tegan invited me here. Turns out we have a lot in common other than being fucked over by you.” He put his arm around me, showing me I didn’t have to worry about Lindsey now that he was here. I was glad he showed up when he did; I was on the verge of tears and Tegan was going to be back with my coffee any minute. I didn’t want Lindsey to see her; Tegan was so happy today and has been handling her trauma that Lindsey caused well.

 

“Oh, so it sounds like you and Tegan are really good friends, huh?” Lindsey said confidently as usual, not showing any weakness.

 

“Yep, Sara’s not bad either,” he smiled over to me as he kept his arm wrapped around my body.

 

“Aw, that’s cute,” Lindsey sneered. “Did Sasa tell you about her and Tegan, too?”

 

Colin loosened his grip around me, taken aback by Lindsey’s tone, “Her and Tegan, what are you talking about, Lindsey?”

 

Lindsey pulled out her phone, staring deep into it as she gathered her words, “Oh, guess you guys aren’t that close enough for them to tell you, yet.”

 

“Tell me what?” Colin took his arm off of me and anxiety rushed through my stomach, creating knots and increasing my heart rate. I was alarmed at what she was about to do, and Colin looked worrisome himself. She wouldn’t. She wouldn’t dare do that to me—to Tegan.

 

Colin’s phone rang, alerting him that he had a text message as he pulled his phone out of his pocket, still standing beside me. Colin had his arm next to mine and could feel my shaking body, in suspense as to what Lindsey was hinting at. She had a smug look on her face like she was trying to hold in her laughter as she glared at me, waiting to destroy me.

 

I looked at his phone to see the message was from Lindsey; this wasn’t going to be good. My heart pounded in my chest faster and harder until I couldn’t feel my pulse beating one at a time anymore. I needed my puffer and it wasn’t anywhere in reach.

 

“Lindsey, why are you sending me th—” I watched as Colin looked at her message—it was a picture too small for me to make out, so he tapped on it to see its full size.

 

He looked at me as I took in a sharp inhale and covered my mouth, not getting a chance to see the picture yet. It was a photo of me and Tegan; I remember taking it on her cell phone after our first time. We were still naked and she had me wrapped tight in her arm. I had her phone in my hands as I kissed her rosy, flushed cheeks while she flashed a gummy smile to the camera. It was taken from the shoulders up, but it was pretty obvious what we were doing.

 

It was my favourite, most pure picture of us and it captured all that we felt for each other. Our love was so innocent and new and we had no idea what we were doing as she started falling for me, too; we were scared but that didn’t matter at the time. I sent that photo to my phone that same night. When Tegan went missing and I had no idea where else to look for her, I spent hours staring at the photo. I played our first time over and over again in my mind, thinking about the way she touched me and held me so passionately. I didn’t know if I was ever going to see her again and that was my only memory of our romantic relationship.

 

Lindsey must have sent the photo to her phone the night she raped Tegan; she ruined that picture for me the second I saw it on Colin’s phone. He was distracted by my reaction as I saw it, but had his full attention once he looked at the message. Tears filled my eyes as silence filled the room; Lindsey still didn’t have an ounce of compassion in her body as she watched Colin’s reaction along with my hurt one.

 

Colin looked up at me uneasy and stunned, “You and Tegan?” He gestured at the photo as he stuttered, “You two are…together?”

 

I didn’t flinch to wipe my tears away in hopes that he couldn’t see them; he looked embarrassed for me and hurt that I was crying, speechless at what he was looking at on his phone.

 

“That’s not the reaction I expected from a straight guy,” I bawled harder and wiped my tears now, hearing Lindsey’s unsympathetic reaction.  _How could she do this to me?_  was all that ran through my mind right now.  _Hasn’t she seen me suffer enough?_

 

Colin ignored Lindsey’s comment, “I think I should give you some space, Sara. Tell Tegan I’m sorry I couldn’t stay longer.”

 

“Colin, no, please,” I was shaking out sobs through my throat.

 

“It’s okay, Sara. I’ll see you guys soon,” Colin looked on edge as he gave me an empty promise.

 

I had to accept it, “Can you at least take her with you?” My voice was weak now and I needed him to do this one thing for me. I couldn’t handle one more minute with Lindsey out to torture me.

 

Colin looked at me sympathetically and then to Lindsey as he took her hand, not romantically. “Come with me, Linds. It’s time for you to leave.”

 

Lindsey took Colin’s hand without hesitation and turned to me one last time to look at my crying face. “Break up with her,” she mouthed at me as he walked her out and I was unable to read him at that moment. I wasn’t able to think of anything, though, right now. I had to put myself together before Tegan came back.

 

I ambled over to Ted and Jasper to the couch they were sitting at, weak and vulnerable as they questioned the hurt on my face. They both looked up at Colin, hand in hand with Lindsey and at his baffled face, then back at me, confused as to why Lindsey was here. I looked back and forth between the two of them, trying to grasp my power to speak without breaking down.

 

“Ted,” I breathed, “please come here.” I looked from Ted to Jasper, “Can you not tell Tegan about this if she comes back, please Jasper?”

 

Jasper nodded as he urgently gestured for Ted to get up and comfort me. Ted walked with me as I took the lead to somewhere private. I shut the bathroom door behind us and bawled into his chest as soon as it shut. He held me as my body writhed in his arms and waited for me to calm down.

 

“Ted,” I choked out, “she told Colin. She told Colin about us. How could she do that? She’s so mean,” I broke out into harder sobs again; just as I thought I was able collect myself.

 

Ted knew that he couldn’t say anything to make me feel better. He rubbed his hands up and down my back and through my hair, pulling me tighter up to him. I could feel his breaths grow heavier the closer he pulled me in; I could feel his empathy for me in this situation.

 

“We won’t let her hurt you two, Sare,” he tried to comfort me.

 

“She gave me an ultimatum; she said she’s going to tell everyone about Tegan and I if I don’t give her back to her.”

 

“How is she gonna do that?”

 

“She has a picture of us,” I tried to explain without any more cries, “and when I went against her, she sent it to Colin. And he freaked out. Not everyone is going to be as open-minded as you and Jasper, Ted.”

 

“I know, I know.” Ted comforted me, “Sare, it’s going to be okay. We’re not gonna let her do this to you and Tegan—”

 

“Sara?” I heard Tegan call me as she paced around the backstage for me.

 

“I’ll be out in a sec!” I yelled out as she caught me off guard and jolted my glance to Ted.

 

“Okay, Sara. Calm down, everything is going to be okay. You know that, okay?” Ted wiped my wet face with his hands and then passed me a tissue. “You’re strong, you can do this. We don’t have to tell Tegan about this, okay? She’s been doing well about the situation, I don’t want us bringing Lindsey up in front of her.”

 

“Okay,” I wiped my tears that Ted didn’t, “You’re right. I have you to, thank you Ted. I mean it. You’re so amazing.” I hugged him one last time as he left the bathroom as he heard Tegan head over to Jasper.

 

I followed soon after; trying not to make it known that Ted and I were just having a heart-to-heart. This wasn’t going to be easy but I couldn’t let Tegan know that Lindsey was here under any circumstances. I heard the loud rage of the opening bands now and we were on soon. I didn’t want to ruin her first show, she was having such a great day and we had a great first sound check.

 

“Hi baby!” She beamed as she saw me coming out of the bathroom.


	27. Ultimatum Part II

**Sara**

 

“Hi, babe. Thank you!” I tried to hide my hurt like my life depended on it—or more technically, our career—as Tegan handed me my coffee.

 

_Please don’t ask me if anything’s wrong. Keep smiling at her, everything’s fine. Nothing’s wrong. Everything is going to be fine._

Tegan stared into my hurt-hidden eyes and smiled as she brushed her hand against my wrists, “Everything okay, Sare?”

 

“Yeah,” I looked at her with a nervous smile. I was a bad liar, but since our career depended on it, I had a self-talk with myself that I could do this. “Just got nervous all of a sudden when you left.”

 

“Aw!” Tegan beamed, “You’re so cute, Sare. We’re gonna do great tonight, you have nothing to worry about. Nobody cares if we fuck up anyway; they love it and laugh at it. It’s all good.”

 

Tegan moved her body close to me and squeezed me tight as I held on tighter to my coffee. My God, she believed me. I did it. I stood still for a second in shock, not reciprocating her hug and then put my arms around her.

 

“I love you so much. I hope you know how much you mean to me.” Tegan held onto me and husked into my ear as she poured out her emotions, forgetting that I was holding on to a cup of coffee.

 

She embarrassed me and I let out a nervous giggle, trying to put the last twenty minutes behind me. I kept my focus on Tegan’s heartfelt expression and let her keep me distracted, “I love you too, Tee. I know, you show me all the time,” I smiled at her and kissed her on the mouth. We were in a secluded place and nobody was around.

 

“I don’t think you know,” she hummed against my mouth as she kissed me this time. “There’s so many more things I want to do to show you how much you mean to me,” she breathed against my lips and making arousal shoot down my core as I understood what she was hinting at. She broke our kiss again looked into my eyes as they stared back at her with desire. “I’ve got all the time in the world, but I know how impatient you are,” she continued with an innocent smirk on her face.

 

My arousal faded to torture and sadness in my stomach. As an immediate reaction so that she couldn’t look at my eyes, I pulled her in for a kiss and let it linger as I sank in my thoughts. We didn’t have all the time in the world; Lindsey’s ultimatum shot back into the front of my mind. And she wasn’t kidding around; she had already caused so much hurt on Tegan. I didn’t know how this was going to be okay, I knew I had to do exactly what she said.

 

Tegan broke our kiss and casually took my free hand, “Come on, Sare. Let’s go sit with everyone.”

 

I melted into the couch, sitting beside Tegan as she looked around at Ted and Jasper and then back to me. “Where’s Colin?”

 

I didn’t know how to respond as she kept her focus on me, “He had to go…real estate stuff. Something about his new house he’s buying tomorrow. He said he’s really sorry, but he’s going to catch the next one,” Jasper broke in. Thank God because I had no idea what to say.

 

“Oh,” a look of sadness came over Tegan’s face as she looked down to the floor. Her expression nearly broke my heart since I knew the real reason he left.

 

I reached for her hands as she kept them folded on her lap and stared at them, “It’s okay, Tee. He had to go, he’d be here next time.” I lied, I was almost positive that he gave me an empty promise when he told me the same thing.

 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I just didn’t get to see him that long, that’s all,” she looked up at me with sad eyes, biting the corner of her lip as she tried to force a smile.

 

I flashed her the most genuine smile I could as I kept my hold on her hands, “He lives here now, so we’ll see him soon. Don’t worry, Tee. It’s not like he had a choice to stay here, you know how excited he was to see us play.”

 

I managed to put a small smile on her face, “You’re right, Sare.”

 

I could hear the second opening band just as they were finishing up their set. I peaked through the black curtains that divided the stage from the backstage as I saw the sun was close to setting. That meant we were up soon and knots of excitement over powered in my stomach. Contrary to my worries, I was going to be okay—at least for tonight. I felt better knowing that Lindsey was gone and that she wasn’t here to hurt Tegan or ruin her night. That’s what mattered most to me. Everything else I was going to forget tonight and worry about later.

 

The second band finished up their last song and I could hear the audience cheering as they walked off stage. I peaked through to the stage again and noticed how big the crowd grew since sound check and that really excited me. Our crew walked on stage to set up for our set and I squeezed Tegan’s hand; I was getting anxious and excited now.

 

\--

 

The music started playing that we were going to walk out to. Tegan and I stood by the side of the stage and just behind Ted and Jasper. They walked out in front of us and the crowd started to cheer, anticipating us to be out soon after and the stage lights started to brighten. I took a deep breath as I looked at Tegan and smiled, not saying a word. She put her hand out by me, palm up and waited. I giggled at her because of this tradition that we did before we walked out to the stage at every show. Without saying a word, I slapped her hand into a low five before we walked out to the stage. Tegan on stage right and myself on stage left as we went over to our platforms—we were too short without them.

 

The sun was still setting, so I was still able to see into the crowd. I listened to the sound of the keyboard as Tegan played the riff to Goodbye, Goodbye and the crowd cheered for us as we walked onto the stage. I missed this so much. We were so excited to see them and so was everyone in the crowd to see us. There was no other part of my career I enjoyed more than our touring career.

 

“Goodbye, I don’t wanna, feel the need to hear your voice,” I sang into the microphone as everyone sang back at me and danced. I could see Tegan looking at me from the corner of my eye and getting distracted. I was drawing attention from everyone since I was the one singing, but knowing that Tegan was watching me gave me the butterflies and nerves in my stomach that I used to feel in the beginning of touring. I knew she was checking me out and looking me up and down, but I hope to God the crowd couldn’t tell. I don’t know how well we were going to be about hiding it.

 

I looked over to my right and noticed a girl with wavy, dirty blond curls that stuck out to me in the crowd. I couldn’t quite make her out because she was far on Tegan’s side until I noticed the camera around her neck. No she fucking didn’t come in here, and on Tegan’s side? Oh my God. I told Colin to bring her with him.

 

I almost let myself jump back and mess up a note when I saw her, but I managed to catch myself in time. All of a sudden I felt even more uneasy, but Tegan was still looking this way.  _Tegan, please don’t look to your side_ , I kept thinking to myself, worried that she would eventually look over and no longer have her gaze set on her keyboard or me. Typically it was me that made eye contact with the crowd and Tegan would just look past everyone, too shy to do that with a stranger.

 

I tried not to stare at Lindsey, but I couldn’t look away from her and I hoped Tegan wouldn’t notice. I watched Lindsey as she looked at me obnoxiously and egotistically, knowing that she had my fate wrapped around her finger. I broke my gaze and looked to Tegan, unable to resist smiling at her as I sung. I flashed Lindsey an overly dirty look and then looked over to other people in the crowd. She wasn’t worth wasting my time, especially at a show.

 

“How’s everybody doing?” Tegan smiled as she played notes on the keyboard melodically and looked out to the crowd. “We’re really excited to be here today because this is our first show of the tour.” Tegan continued as the audience cheered. “We’ve been here a week so far and we absolutely love it, right Sare? It’s such a beautiful city that I actually think I might just move here,” Tegan joked as she laughed with me. “Seriously, though. I’m jealous that you all get to live here all year. In fact I’m  _so_  jealous.”

 

I rolled my eyes, laughing, as Tegan made that really lame pun as a transition to So Jealous and laughed to herself. The crowd started cheering and screaming, but they did that to anything Tegan said, no matter how lame. “We’re gonna play the remix, have you guys heard it yet? It’s from So Jealous X, we just released it,” Tegan announced and the crowd was loud again as I started playing the loop on the keyboard.

 

We were halfway done the set and Tegan still didn’t notice Lindsey, at least from my knowledge. I would have been able to tell by her face, assuming her post-traumatic stress would show up on her expression. The sun was set now and it was hard to make out specific people in the audience, so it was looking like it was going to be okay and I finally felt relief. Tegan was really into the music and her dorky dancing and not paying attention to anyone specific.

 

We played our last few songs—Tegan’s—Dark Come Soon and Call It Off, which I could tell were a little difficult for her. She wrote them about Lindsey after chasing her for so long and I could see the pained look on her face as she sang the lyrics. The crowd cheered really loud for us as Tegan finished Call It Off. They sang my parts in the chorus and it made us so happy to see them singing it back to us.

 

“Thanks, you guys!” Tegan waved as she set her guitar down and put her arm around my waist, catching me off guard. We walked off the stage as they were still cheering. They wanted an encore, but we didn’t have anything planned. We looked at Jasper and Ted; curious as to what song we were going to perform.

 

“Let’s just let the audience choose,” I piped up as the idea came to me.

 

“Yeah okay. Does that sound good, guys?” Tegan shot up, excitement in our chests as the crowd screamed our names louder that it almost overwhelmed me. I couldn’t express how much I missed this feeling in words.

 

We all nodded in agreement and went back out after a minute more of listening to their cheers. I loved waiting before giving people what they wanted; I guess that wasn’t necessarily something to be proud of. It certainly didn’t make Tegan happy, but it amped up the crowd for an encore.

 

We came back on stage and the shouting continued. “What do you guys want to hear?” The crowd quieted down and Tegan tried to make out the audience’s requests. I heard so many people scream “When I Get Up,” making me uneasy since Tegan said she didn’t really want to sing it and it would hurt too much now that she wasn’t with Lindsey. We usually sang it during sound check but didn’t get around to it this time.

 

I could tell Tegan was trying to ignore it, but she was terrible at ignoring and the request for it just became louder. “You guys wanna hear When I Get Up?” Tegan stuttered as she finally gave in and the fans screamed louder in excitement. Tegan looked over to Ted with sad eyes, “Do you know how to play it?”

 

Ted nodded; his cluelessness drove me nuts sometimes. He sat down to strum the notes as Tegan remained standing and so did Jasper and I. Tegan already looked uncomfortable and it made me feel terrible that she had to sing it. She got so emotional and into her songs that the memories felt so strong to her.

 

Her glistening eyes looked into the crowd as she started so sing. I could hear the sadness in her voice.

 

“When I get up, so do you.

When you get up, I sleep right through.

On the road, I sleep alone.

And I can’t wait—”

 

Halfway through the song, the stage lights directed at the crowd and Tegan stopped singing. Startled by her silence, I looked over to her staring at Lindsey as she tried to hold in her tears.

 

“I’ve got you and you’ve got me,” she started to sing again as Ted kept strumming the chords, waiting for Tegan to chime back in. Her voice was really shaky and there was so much hurt in her voice that I was sure every single person could hear it. “And that’s all you need,” her voice drowned out by a crack in her voice and she slowly turned around, facing away from the audience.

 

Tegan looked to Ted and he still managed to keep his focus on the strum of the chords, even though I could see the pain wash over his face as he stared at her. She looked over to me, tears running down her face as she tried to hide behind her bangs. It was too much for her and she couldn’t handle being here. It looked like she’d had enough.

 

“On the road, I sleep alone.

And I can’t wait, till I’m—”

 

I stepped in and sang her last past, looking at Tegan’s broken face as I did. It wasn’t easy, but I tried as best as I could. I had never sung it before, but I remember hearing Tegan singing it a million times over and over on the bus last time we toured. When she was hopelessly in love with Lindsey and missed her like crazy when we were on the road. Now the song’s meaning had been shattered in her eyes and it was too much for her to sing it, let alone hear it—or me singing it.

 

“I’m sorry,” Tegan mouthed at me while still turned from the crowd and looking at me. She covered her face as she gave me one last look of her fragmented face and walked off the stage.

 

My voice faded to quiet.

 

I lost my focus on where I was in the song and had my head turned to the side of the stage where Tegan walked off. I couldn’t hear anything anymore except for the hurt in my thoughts. My jaw was still parted from the last note and in disbelief that Tegan walked off. I couldn’t imagine what she was feeling right now, or else she wouldn’t have just done that. I felt tears aching from my eyes and my body in shock and stood still. Without having my brain tell me to, I ran after Tegan and didn’t even think to say anything to the audience.

 

I realized that Ted wasn’t playing notes on the guitar anymore as I ran passed him to backstage. My mind blanked as I watched Tegan leave; I wasn’t sure if he ended the song or just froze in panic like us.

 

When I got to the side of the stage I saw Tegan’s shaking body and her face in her hands, kneeling down on the floor. I rushed up to her as soon as I saw her and picked her up from under her arms, trying to get her to stand.

 

“Tegan!” I shouted hysterically as I listened to her choking on tortured sobs, barely hearing a breath. I felt her writhe in my arms as she tried to grip my body with her weak, collapsed arms. I kissed the tears on her face and tried to calm her down, but I wasn’t sure I was calm myself.

 

“Please hold me, don’t let go of me,” Tegan cried out.

 

“It’s okay, Tee. It’s okay. I’m here, baby,” I cooed into her ear and failed to comfort her panic.

 

“She was right there, how could she do this to me?” Tegan cried harder as she sobbed into the crook of my neck and grabbed my shirt. “How could she do this to me? She came to hurt me again, what did I do to her? It hurts so badly, Sare. It hurts so bad.”

 

“I’m not gonna let her hurt you, Tee. I’m always going to be here, I’m not going anywhere.” I brushed my fingers through her hair, trying to soothe her as she continued to cry on me.

 

Ted and Jasper came up from behind us. I had absolutely no idea how they handled the audience as we left, and I wasn’t sure if Tegan was aware that she did that. I watched them look at Tegan in grief and sympathy for her.

 

Jasper put his hand on Tegan’s back, trying to relax her, “Come on, Sare. Let’s get her back to the hotel.”

 

I put my arm to rest on the arch of Tegan’s back and held her hand with my other as I walked her back to the bus. Ted and Jasper followed behind us at a close distance; none of us said a word. Jasper picked up Tegan and brought her onto the tour bus, laying her onto the bed as she curled into herself and bawled harder.

 

“Tee, please get up. Can you come sit with me please, baby?” I gently pulled her up, trying to get her out of her fetal position before the bus got going. I didn’t want her sitting like that all alone. After a long, few minutes, Tegan eventually got up and followed me to the hangout area of our bus and cradled herself into me. She didn’t look up at me once and I could feel her jerking body become still. All I could do in that moment was hold her and comfort her as best as I could.

 

We eventually made our way to the room, which not to mention was absolutely painful to watch. Nothing hurt more than seeing her, someone who meant the world to me, go through this pain and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to get her to wash her face and get ready for bed as best as I could.

 

I carried her lifeless body over to the bed. I took off her denim jacket and shirt and leggings along with her bra. I took off my leather jacket, throwing it over to the ground and slipped my oversized T-shirt over her body. I tried my best for her to be comfortable—physically, mentally and emotionally.

 

I threw the heavy blankets over her and kissed her tear-dried face. “I love you, Tee. I love you so much; I hate seeing you hurt like this. I’m here for anything you need, okay baby?” I cooed into her ear as she slowly cried herself to sleep. She had her face buried into my chest, back in the fetal position as I wrapped my arms tightly around her as hard as I could. Her tears dripped onto my chest every time she blinked, eventually ceasing as she slept.

 

I stayed awake with her all night as Tegan went in and out of sleep, holding her tighter when she needed me to. I kissed her cheeks and stroked my fingers through her hair, hoping to calm her and that she wouldn’t have nightmares or more traumas. “I love you, Tee. I love you.”

 

My phone buzzed from beside the night table, causing a loud vibration but Tegan was in a deep sleep to notice. I tried not to move my body in efforts to not awake Tegan and slowly edged my hand over to my bedside to grab my phone.

 

_Lindsey: If you’re still with Tegan by tomorrow night, I’m leaking the video. Night Sasa._


	28. Ultimatum Part III

**Tegan**

I listened to my strangled noises as I tossed and turn in response to my traumatic visions and nightmares as I slept against Sara’s warm body. I could feel her gently rocking me as she held me in her arms and trying to lull me back into a sleep whenever I fell out of it. As much as she tried to calm me down and comfort me with her words, there was really nothing that could be said right now and she knew it.

 

That was the painful truth of it all. It felt like there was no way out of this agonizing hurt in the pit of my stomach.

 

The sun crept in through the blackout shades and Sara’s breath brushed lightly on my tear-stained cheeks. I could feel her lips on me all night; I don’t even know if she slept. She was here for me so much right now and I would forever appreciate how lucky I was to have her in my life, let alone so intimately.

 

Sara’s physical contact on my skin and soft hums in my ear managed to relax me a little. She moved her hands into my shirt, pressing her fingers along my ribs just below my breasts; my body tingled from her soft touch. She was lightly brushing her lips against my ears now. “I love you, baby,” Sara breathed as she gently nipped on my skin.

 

I scrunched my eyes open and wiped the sleep and dried tears out of my eyes, looking over to Sara’s pleasant smile. “Good morning, sweetheart,” Sara rasped while continuing to stroke and caress my ribs.

 

“Morning, Sare,” I responded back in a sleepy tone, “Were you up all night?”

 

“Yeah,” she spoke lightly, “you were in and out of sleep and you were having nightmares. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” My heart felt light for a moment as she said that and my pursed lips carried into a small smile. I didn’t say anything but just hugged her tighter into me. Silence filled the room for a minute.

 

“It’s just hard seeing her,” I piped up and broke the quiet.

 

“Mhm. I know, Tee,” Sara rubbed small circles against my ribs as she sympathized with me.

 

I heard my phone vibrations jerk from under my pillow. Sara kept her hold on me as I shoved my hand under the pillow to grab my phone.

 

“It’s from Colin!” I beamed as seeing his name light up my screen instantly changed my mood. Sara’s hands gripped onto my body a little tighter as I slid my screen to read the message.

 

_Colin: Good morning, T. I’m sorry for not staying last night, I want to make it up to you two. Are you girls free tonight to come by for dinner at my house? Hope so._

_  
_“He wants us to come have dinner at his new house tonight!” I cheered up and smiled at Sara, waiting for her response.

 

“That sounds great!” Sara flashed a smile at me, looking somewhat surprised. I was too excited to be seeing him that I didn’t think twice about her expression.

 

_Tegan: I’m sad you couldn’t stay longer last night, but we’d love to come! See you tonight._

 

“Let’s go get ready, babe. We’ll go walk around Verona and go sight seeing. Do some romantic stuff—have some pasta, taste fine wine, go on one of those gondola things and have some guy play violin while we make out,” I went on in excitement, mood completely changed now.

 

“Whoa, slow down, Tee. We’ll do all those things today,” Sara giggled as she took off the T-shirt that she put on me to sleep, exposing my breasts as they fell, “Want me to shower with you?”

 

“Why do you even ask?” I took her hand as I brought her to the bathroom with me, only wearing panties now.

 

Sara took her bra off and then her panties, along with mine. It felt like Sara was more passionate and intimate with me than when we usually showered together. Typically we weren’t too romantic and just fooled around in the shower. She was quiet too and really intense, looking as if she was cherishing every single moment with me as if it were her last. I didn’t mind it though, she made me feel important and it gave me butterflies.

 

She was gentle and delicate with me and only communicated with me in breaths and whispers and soft touches. When I looked at her face closely while she held me, I swear I could make out tears in her eyes. I could have mistaken tears for the water that ran down her face and onto our bodies, though. She had her eyes closed and brows furrowed more than usual when she made love to me this time.

 

“Oh, Sare,” I breathed against her neck at how intense she was being, making my body go tense and adrenaline rush through my stomach.

 

“I love you, Tee. I love you so much. Don’t ever forget that, okay?” She whimpered against my shoulder. I reciprocated my words back to her as I caressed her slick, wet body as she pressed it up against mine. I nipped at her jaw hard, sucking in her skin and earning an almost pained cry from her. This moment was perfect.

 

Once we were washed up and overjoyed by each other’s pleasure, Sara handed me my towel before she got one for herself. She wrapped herself in her towel and dried off and gave me another passionate kiss on the mouth. We eventually got dressed and did our hair and makeup. I watched as Sara put on her light blue pair of skinny jeans and coloured plaid top. I couldn’t help but be distracted by her legs as she blow dried her hair and parted her side-swept bangs. Fuck, she looked so beautiful staring at herself intensely and innocently into the mirror as she put on her makeup, not even noticing that she captivated me.

 

Sara eventually looked over to me and exhaled a smile and waved at me, charmingly and seductively as she raised her brows at me. She made me laugh as I stood out in the bedroom picking out clothes to wear. I threw on a dark blue pair of skinny jeans along with a printed shirt. I took Sara’s leather jacket off the floor and put it on, there was nothing I loved more than wearing it. It had her scent on it and it reminded me of her all day.

 

Sara and I went on our second date that day. She took me everywhere I said I wanted to go. She took me to Casa Perbellini for lunch, a very elegant restaurant where the pasta was about a hundred dollars for a plate. She also got us a bottle of Pinot Grigio to our table. The waiter poured it into our glasses and I took my glass to Sara’s as he walked away.

 

“To the beginning of forever,” I toasted to Sara as I clinked my glass to hers and smiled defenselessly. I sipped the white wine as we looked to each other in adoration.

 

Nothing could ruin today. I was ecstatic. Today was bliss. It was how it should be every day—with the girl I love, full of romance, intimacy and no regrets. I wore my heart on my sleeve and I did it unapologetically.

 

We stayed at the restaurant for about two hours until they cleared everyone out to start preparing for dinner. The sun was shining bright and the sky had tints or orange and red as we walked down Piazzo San Zeno, astonished by the beautiful landmarks and lakes and boats. I got excited when I heard a violinist, bringing my attention to the gondola docked in the lake.

 

I looked at Sara and giggled, sort of kidding when I said I wanted to go that morning; but who was I kidding, I’m a sucker for that romantic kind of stuff and have always wanted to go. I looked at her without saying a word, only giving her my patience and laughter as I waited for her to say something. She could see my beaming face out of the corner of her eye as I brushed her arm and she walked toward the boat.

 

I was giddy the entire time and was in awe at the beautiful sights and birds and romantic melodies of the violin. I laughed partly because I was positive the violinist could tell we were twins on such a romantic excursion, but realistically we were tourists, too. The other part of me couldn’t control my laughter because I was so happy spending time outside in the day with Sara and enjoying her company. That was all that I needed to be happy with her and this was only the beginning of our love together.

 

We got back to land just as the sun was setting and Colin was texting me to be there in an hour. Sara tipped the violinist and took my hand to stabilize me as I got off the gondola and onto the dock. I couldn’t have asked for a more romantic day with her.

 

The weather was beautiful. I felt the crisp, warm summer breeze of the air in Verona brushing against my face as it turned to cool, night air. We decided to walk to Colin’s and enjoy every last bit of Verona that we could before leaving tomorrow. I wasn’t brave enough to take Sara’s hand and neither was she, but I occasionally brush my arm against hers and made light physical contact with her body. Verona was populated and there was always that chance that people would recognize us.

 

We finally got to Colin’s house, or should I say mansion. It had a gate to get in and was at least five acres of land. Sara was stunned, but honestly I wasn’t surprised. It was stunning, though, but Colin was really something else. I’m sure he had a ton of these estates just lying around.

 

“Hey rich kid, it’s me and Sara,” I teased as I buzzed the gate.

 

“Hey, ladies. I’ll let you guys in, one second.”

 

The gates opened and we walked through the front lawn and to the doors. I saw Sara admiring the green grass and fountains that were sprawled across the lawn. Colin opened the door before we even had a chance to knock.

 

“It’s pretty sweet, huh?” He looked over to Sara’s astonished face and then me. I see why Lindsey switched teams for this guy, not to mention how horrible and disgusting that is of her. Colin invited us in, taking my leather jacket as we slipped our shoes off by the door.

 

We followed him to the kitchen where he was just putting dinner on the table. We sat down and Colin piped up just as we started eating. “I really am sorry for leaving last night, guys. I hope this makes it up to you. How was the show, by the way?”

 

I heard Sara scratch her fork against her plate, jumping at the recollection of last night. She didn’t say anything.

 

“It was good,” I lied, “Good turnout.”

 

Colin believed my falsification and continued as he looked to Sara. “Did Lindsey come back? I’m  _so_  sorry, Sara; I tried to bring her in my cab with me, but she didn’t listen to me. She kept saying she was going to walk home. It was a far walk if you ask me, I don’t know. I think she was lying to me.”

 

Sara stayed quiet, even while Colin directed his words to her. She didn’t even look up at him as he spoke.

 

“What are you talking about, Colin? Lindsey was with you?” I started asking questions.

 

“You didn’t tell her, Sara? Yeah she was. Well,  _I_  wasn’t with her; she was backstage. I guess she tried to sneak in as your photographer or something and they let her in. Sara didn’t want her there, obviously I see why, so I walked her out,” Colin explained.

 

Sara kept her face down at her food and still wasn’t talking. It hurt that she didn’t tell me and I think it started to show on my face.

 

“Everything okay, Tegan?” Colin continued to fill the silence that Sara and I didn’t budge to fill.

 

“I just didn’t know she was backstage. I guess I understand why Sara didn’t tell me,” Sara was looking up at me now with sad eyes. “She showed up at the show. She threw me off and I messed up. I walked off the stage during the encore. She really hurt me, Colin.” I had tears fill my eyes as I explained my pain to him.

 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t think they were going to let her in; I talked to security for you guys. I told her not to go back. She hurt me, too. I understand how you feel,” Colin apologized.

 

“After we broke up…after I found out she was cheating,” I paused, scrunching my face and unable to look at Colin now. “She raped me.”

 

I didn’t look at Colin, but he, too, was silent. I had to tell him; I had no idea if he had been keeping in contact with Lindsey since he found out about her and I. We didn’t talk about any of this.

 

“I don’t know what to say, I didn’t think she was that selfish and cruel. I’m so sorry, Tegan. That’s terrible. Please know that I’m here for you if you ever need anything,” Colin was shocked and had no idea what else to say, but his expression spoke a million words.

 

“Do you still talk to her?” I asked, curious.

 

Colin shook his head, “Other than last night, I hadn’t talked to her since you came to the hotel room that night. I left her there and didn’t come back. I just took all my stuff.”

 

“Except your ring,” I remembered back to the morning after Lindsey raped me. She put it on my finger, thinking it was hysterical. I looked down to my left ring finger to where she put it on me, horrified by the memory.

 

“I didn’t want it back, I didn’t know what I was going to do with it. I told her to just take it.”

 

We just looked at each other, hurt at everything that went on in the past week. It wasn’t awkward; this unfortunate commonality of being cheated on by Lindsey brought us together as friends. We bonded over it, if you will. We continued to eat in silence, listening to the clinks of the forks and knives and sips of fine wine.

 

“By the way, guys,” Colin broke the silence as he put his wine glass down, “I’m sorry if I seemed standoffish yesterday. I was just a little shocked when I found out. I wasn’t expecting that to happen at all.”

 

I looked at Colin, unaware as to what he was talking about. After all, I barely had a chance to see him yesterday. Sara must have known what was going on. Maybe it was something else she wasn’t telling me. I looked over to Sara and she ignored me again as I waited for her to speak, and then over to Colin.

 

“Didn’t expect  _what_  to happen?” I spoke slowly, completely amiss about the situation at hand.

 

“To find out about you two,” he gestured to Sara and I. I almost choked on my food as he said that, knowing exactly what he was talking about now. “You know, romantically. I just want you guys to know that it doesn’t bother me. I’m actually happy for you two; you look really happy together. I was just a little taken aback by it, that’s all.”

 

“He knows?” I looked over, jaw dropped, to Sara as she reluctantly nodded. What else was she hiding from me?

 

“It’s okay, Tegan. Honestly, it’s not a big deal. I’m sorry that Lindsey is such a bitch and isn’t leaving you two alone.”

 

“Lindsey told you?” I wasn’t sure what was going on, there was definitely something I was missing and I could verify that by the nervous expression on Sara’s face. Colin was clearly clueless that apparently he wasn’t supposed to be telling me this, but I was a little upset that Sara didn’t tell me beforehand.

 

“Tegan, you’re just going to have to ignore her and stay away from her as best as you can. I’m here for you guys, okay? Eventually she’ll stop being such a bitch. I’m really sorry that she’s being so terrible toward you.”

 

I watched as Sara became tense and had nothing to say as she tried hard not to make eye contact with me. Despite that Colin was okay with it, I couldn’t help but feel awkward that there was so much Sara wasn’t telling me.

 

I thought we were in this together.

 

\--

 

“Sare, how could you not tell me that Lindsey was backstage?” I was yelling now as we got back to the hotel after a long, quiet walk from Colin’s.

 

She slipped her shoes off by the front of the hotel door, “Tee, I’m so sorry. I was trying to protect you before we went on for the show. I didn’t want you to know she was there.”

 

“And she told Colin about us?” I was furious now, “How could you not tell me, especially before we went to visit him? And you all lied to me about why he left so fast last night!”

 

“Tegan, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Sara continued to apologize as her phone buzzed.

 

“Who is it?” I asked, trying to sound calm, but anger still radiating in my voice. I felt so betrayed by her.

 

She looked away from me as she took her phone out from her back pocket. Her expression was hard to read, a look of fear seemed as if it crossed over onto her face. Sara was silent even after she obviously read the text.

 

“No one,” she murmured quietly. Well that was a fucking lie.

 

“Sara, is there something else going on that you aren’t telling me?” I begged for answers because all I was getting were apologies that I couldn’t bear myself to accept right now.

 

Sara was silent as she stared at her phone, looking as if she were trying to fight tears from forming in her eyes.

 

“Sara, what is it? Talk to me, please.” I continued to beg, she was starting to scare me with her silence.

 

Sara looked into my eyes and searched into them; she looked almost broken and like she didn’t know what she was looking for anymore. I could see the pain on her face as she gathered the words to tell me whatever it was she had to say.

 

“We need to talk,” Sara sounded distant now as she gestured me over to the bed. Those four words never followed by anything good. I felt myself overwhelmed by panic now.

 

Sara sat half cross-legged on the bed and farther away from me than typically, bodies barely touching and causing me to worry even more. I looked up at her, hesitantly brushing my hand on her lap. I felt an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach as my insides began to twist. The suspense of her soon hurtful words killed every shaking bone in my body.

 

Sara looked at my hand on her lap until she used all the effort she had to look back into my eyes, terrified and reluctant to speak. I watched as her lower lip parted and began to tremble.

 

“I can’t do this anymore,” she breathed so lightly I could only understand by her mouthing the words. As I read her lips, my heart ripped out of my chest and in half.

 

“What’s  _this_ , Sare?” I instantly broke into tears, barely able to speak. I knew what was coming but there was that last bit of false hope in my body that she would tell me this was all just some sick joke.

 

“Us.” Sara couldn’t have sounded more distant.

 

I was speechless. My body broke down as my voice choked out a million sobs and my brain forgot to tell me to breathe. She wasn’t looking at me now and my stomach felt like someone stabbed a knife through it. I couldn’t sit up straight anymore.

 

“You’re breaking up with me?” I asked with serious hurt in my voice, waiting for reassurance that none of this was real right now.

 

“I’m so sorry, Tee.” Sara had tears in her eyes, too. I could barely see her eyes and her face was so scrunched up from crying.

 

“You’re sorry?” I bawled harder as I slammed my wrists against her shoulders, not hard enough to hurt her. “What happened to ‘no matter what’?”

 

Sara shook her head as she scrunched her face and continued to let out silent whimpers. Her body was shaking now and she covered her face in her hands. I watched her trembling body move up and down as she refused to speak.

 

“You let me fall in love with you, Sare!” I cried into her shoulder, “You asked me to fall in love with you and you said we were in this together. We said it didn’t matter how hard it was going to be. I believed you! How could you do this to me?”

 

“It’s not like that, Tee. It’s nothing like that,” Sara repeated as she brushed my arms and held them tight.

 

With my weak grip, I urged her wrists off of me. I couldn’t handle her touch anymore, not when she didn’t want me like she did before.

 

“Please don’t touch me, Sare.” I shrieked through my uncontrollable sobs.

 

“Tegan, please—”

 

Sara tried to hold my hands again, but I screamed out at her. “How could you let me fall in love with you when you’re just going to end it? How could you do this to  _us_? I trusted you, Sara. I thought you loved me.”

 

She kept her hold on my hands, “I know, Tee. I know. Please forgive me, I never meant to do this. I don’t want to do this, trust me I don’t.”

 

“I thought you weren’t going to hurt me. Please don’t touch me right now, Sare. It hurts so bad. I can’t believe you could do this to me. Do you know how much I loved you? What happened to forever?” I bawled hard as I pushed her hands away and I could hear her apologizing endlessly.

 

“I’m so sorry, Tee. I’m so sorry.”

 

I got up as I covered my face and wiped my tears with my trembling hands and failed to find steady breaths. I unlocked the latch and opened the door and whimpered at my request, “Just go. Please.”

 

Sara threw her clothes into her suitcase and without begging, she gave me one last look before I let her walk out. It hurt to look at her; the girl I thought was soul mate, who I shared my body with along with everything else under the sun—my DNA, my childhood, laughter, music, intimacy and my deepest secrets.

 

I stood with the door kicked open by my foot as I watched her walk out.

 

**Sara**

 

_Lindsey: (8:31PM) I wouldn’t take the chance that I’m giving you an empty threat again. You break up with her yet?_

_\--_

_Sara: (9:43PM) Yes._


	29. Consent

**Ted**

“Do you hear that?” Jasper asked from the couch as he muted the television.

It was the girls again from their room. They were loud enough to hear without even having the sound on mute. It sounded like they were in a fight again, but this time it sounded like it was with each other. I heard no outside voices, just theirs.

If I could make an educated guess, I would think that it were one of two things:

Obviously, last night’s show didn’t go as planned—at least the encore didn’t. They were absolutely amazing until then; until Tegan noticed Lindsey had been watching the entire show by the front of the stage. Sara, Jasper and I noticed her from the moment we walked on. I could feel the tension in Sara’s voice and she kept looking back to Jasper and I. I had no idea what to do, but I was a little surprised that Tegan took so long to notice. She was looking in Sara’s direction a lot, though. That must have been why she was so late in noticing.

My second guess—which I am absolutely, hoping is wrong—is that we’re witnessing their breakup right now. Or maybe there’s the slim chance that Tegan is still upset about Lindsey coming to the show to mess her up. However, it does sound like they were fighting back and forth, so my guess is it must be more than just Lindsey.

Their voices became clearer as they screamed louder.

“You let me fall in love with you, Sare! How could you do this to me?”

Jasper and I are witnessing their break up right now—the result of Lindsey’s threat on Sara. My heart sank as I heard the brokenness in Tegan’s voice. The poor girl had gone through so much already and Sara was her rock when she felt like she had nothing left to get her through tough times. And now she’s gone from her and not by choice. Neither of them wanted that to happen and Tegan had no idea why Sara was doing this.

“Yeah,” I spoke after a long silence on our end, as we listened to the girls’ crying. “I hear it.”

I didn’t tell Jasper why Sara was so upset; he didn’t want to get involved because he knew it wasn’t my story to tell. He stood and listened to their discourse with confusion on his face.

“What happened to ‘no matter what’? You said we were in this together. I believed you!” No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t ignore Tegan’s pained yells at Sara. I could hear Sara in and out of earshot, begging for Tegan’s forgiveness. She sounded just as tortured as Tegan right now.

“Tegan sounds terrible. They were fine a few hours ago. They couldn’t stop looking at each other at the show—they were more than fine. Do you know what’s going on; is it because of Lindsey showing up? Does this have something to do with why Sara was upset last night before the show?”

I paused and couldn’t give my undivided attention to Jasper’s questions. I couldn’t help but listen in on their break up and feel like I could have done something so that it wouldn’t happen. It hurt me so much to hear them having to go through this when neither of them wanted it to happen.

“Yeah,” I spoke quietly, uneasy from their screams.

“Just go, Sare!” I could hear Tegan’s heartbreaking, unbearable cries at her sister. Hearing her scream that literally broke my heart in half at that moment. I didn’t know how I could help them right now.

Her screams followed by a slam on the door and we listened to Sara’s rolling suitcase and footsteps through the hallway and to the elevator. I harboured so much aversion toward Lindsey the more I encountered what she had done this week, but this was the breaking point. I don’t know how she could possibly be crueler and take away Tegan’s happiness when she doesn’t even want her.

Jasper and I stared at each other as we continued to listen to Tegan’s distressed whimpers after she kicked Sara out of the room. “I’m gonna go see if she’s okay.” I said to Jasper, insisting that I wanted to go on my own. I knew the situation more than he did, and I’ve known them for much longer than he had. I’ve gone through several breakups of theirs and helped them through it as much as I could.

I turned the knob and opened the door, looking one last time to Jasper. He could tell how much their fight was affecting me right now; I hated seeing the girls upset like this. Tegan’s room was just a few steps away and I could still hear her from outside in the hallway. I jutted my knuckles slowly against the door, a little on edge to see her in worry that maybe she wouldn’t want to see me right now.

“Go away, Sare!” She cried from inside of the room, “I told you to leave!”

“Tegan, it’s me.”

I heard her footsteps pace toward the door as she clicked it open. Hearing her cries was hard, but seeing the hurt on her face was hell. She looked up at me with the fragmented manifestation on her face as she pursed her lips, trembling to hold back oncoming tears. She gestured me in as she turned away from me and walked back into her room onto the bed. She lied down and started to bawl as she covered her face in her hands. I sat on the bed beside her by her waist.

“She doesn’t want me anymore,” Tegan blurted out from beneath her hands.

I put my hand on her leg and tried to calm her down; but she was way past distraught. “Tegan, you know that’s not true.”

“She left me, Ted. She doesn’t love me anymore. How do I know that she ever did?”

I thought back to the real reason Sara had to do this to Tegan; the ultimatum that Lindsey gave her. Sara must be so damaged right now and I can’t even imagine what she’s feeling. I wanted so badly to tell Tegan why Sara left, but I can’t help but think what Lindsey would do if she found out. She’s cunning enough to figure out if I told her and I don’t know if she would leak the photos knowing I did. I don’t even know what she would do if she found out Sara told me. I didn’t want to get involved and deteriorate this any further or ruin their image.

“Please trust me, she loves you so much. You have to believe me,” I tried to convince her but I had nothing to back it up with. I really doubted she was going to trust me on that right now.

“She said this was too hard to deal with,” she shrieked harder and turned her body into the fetal position, “but we said that didn’t matter. We knew that when we started this and she didn’t care. She said it was going to be worth it. I gave her every part of me, Ted. I was so vulnerable with her. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I took my time to fall in love with her, even when she wanted to rush it. And I told her I loved her; I let myself fall in love with her like she wanted. Then she just leaves me and tells me this is  _too hard!_  She left me to deal with this all by myself. We said we would go through this together, she lied to me!”

Tegan’s voice was muffled by her cries now, and I could just make out her words. I had no idea how to comfort her right now, because telling her that Sara loves her wasn’t going to work. It hurt me to hear it because it wasn’t true. Sara was just covering it up because she didn’t want Lindsey to expose their relationship.

I took Tegan in my arms and she cried into my shirt. Her body was shaking and she could barely breathe because the pain was just too much for her. She was putting herself through complete agony.

“Tegan, it’s okay,” I soothed her, well tried to. I wasn’t the best at this, but I was always there for them when times were hard.

“No it’s not!” She whimpered, “I fell so hard for her, I trust her. I thought she was the one. I thought I found her. She hurt me just like Lindsey did!”

I cringed at the comparison of Sara to Lindsey, but I didn’t want to argue with her. There would be no benefit from that.

“Tegan, please believe me when I say Sara is  _nothing_  like Lindsey. Things are going to be okay. Sara loves you more than anything else. She’s just trying to protect you.”

“She doesn’t have to protect me from anything! I just want her to love me; I just want her back. I can’t sleep without her beside me. I just want someone to wake me up and tell me this is just a horrible dream,” Tegan continued to cry out and go against my words.

I didn’t say anything; I didn’t know what to say to prove to her that Sara really was just protecting her. I could only be sympathetic for her but I didn’t know what to possibly say to comfort her. I held her in my arms as she cried into me for about half an hour, not saying a word to each other.

“Tegan, do you want me to stay here with you?”

She kept her face hidden from me and shook her head, “No. I’ll be okay tonight, really.”

“Are you sure?” I didn’t know if she was using reverse psychology and maybe that was girl speak for  _please stay_. But Tegan had always been strong; maybe she was serious and I should trust her.

“Yeah, really. If I need anything, I’ll knock.” She got off of me and wiped her tears; her face was covered in ruined mascara. “Thanks for being here,” Tegan continued in a broken tone.

I got up reluctantly and headed toward the door, looking at her as if she wanted to change her mind.

“Really, it’s okay,” she reassured me with a shaky voice.

She came up to me to walk me out and I squeezed her into a hug, kissing her on the forehead. “Please call me if you’re not okay.”

“Okay,” she looked up to me and pulled out of the hug and waiting for me to leave.

**Tegan**

This hurts so badly.

As soon as I said goodbye to Ted I looked at my tear-soaked face in the bathroom mirror. My eyes were bloodshot from crying so hard and my makeup was smudged all on my face. The last time I looked in the mirror was this morning to get ready, when Sara took me on our second date. I made sure my makeup looked really nice and I looked pretty for her. My straightened hair was shaggy now; all my efforts to look good for her were just a waste. Not to mention painful to look at myself and think of how I could possibly have been happy this morning, thinking nothing could ruin today. And that today was going to be perfect.

Boy was I wrong.

I cleaned up my face and fixed my hair as best as I could. I didn’t feel like there was a purpose to doing anything anymore. I felt like I was unlovable. This bathroom alone had memories of Sara and I; where she had me on the countertop and stayed with me after Lindsey violated me and in the shower where we fooled around too many times to keep count. Let alone this hotel room—the desk where she first tried to get me to sleep with her, but I refused her because I wanted to talk about things first. The bed where we made love for the first time to each other. The couch where I used the toys on her for the first time and she was way too much for me to handle. The kitchen countertop on the day of the show and I told her we didn’t have time, but she begged me and gave me that look I couldn’t resist until I finally gave in.

Looking around the room brought back so many memories. Wherever I looked, all I could think of was Sara and how much I already miss her. I wonder how she was feeling right now; I found it hard to believe anything Ted was telling me about Sara still loving me. Our relationship wasn’t even hard, it could have been worse. I couldn’t think of any other reason for her to leave other than that she didn’t love me anymore. Ted had nothing to support his argument about Sara still loving me. I couldn’t believe it and trust me, I wanted to.

My thoughts as I paced helplessly around the room were broken by a delicate thud on the door.

_Who could that possibly be?_

My mind thought to Ted and hoped for Sara. I didn’t bother looking through the peephole as I walked up to the door. It didn’t even matter who it was right now. I had no feelings left to give anymore.

I creaked open the door and to my surprise it was neither of my guesses. I had no tears, no fear and no more feelings. Nothing. Not even a bother to question why she was here. I didn’t say a word as I acknowledged her.

Lindsey.

“Hi,” she spoke with vulnerability in her voice. Orchids in one hand and a box of dark chocolates in the other. Those were my favourites—I’m surprised that she actually remembered. It took me back to early in our relationship, when she used to bring me the same combination whenever I was having a bad day.

“Hi.”

“These are for you,” she looked serious, but shy. Lindsey looked nervous that I wouldn’t accept them and potentially slam the door on her face.

If I wasn’t already so upset and numbed of my pain now, that would have been a very potential possibility.

“Is this some sort of peace offering?” I asked, stunned. This side of Lindsey was barely ever seen and I began questioning her motives.

She continued to hold them out for me to take, but I was reluctant and still stunned.

She nodded her head, “It’s nothing near what you actually deserve, but I came to apologize. I hope you can accept my apology.”

“Oh, um...” Really? It looked sincere; it still scared me a little. Her guard looked down,  _should I trust this? What were her intentions?_  “Oh,” I repeated again, scratching my head. I have never been at such a loss of words and so in awe in my life.

I’m pretty sure my brows were creased and lips pursed at her words, too. At least her kind gesture took my mind off of Sara for a bit. I felt bad that she was still holding out the chocolates and flowers; she started to look a little anxious and that I was going to reject her.

“Thanks,” I said as I took the gifts from her. “That’s um,  _nice_ , of you.” I almost said that as a question. “Do you want to, um, come in…uh, I guess?” I spoke my words slowly, thinking whether or not I should have considered the question myself before asking it.

“You look baffled,” Lindsey said as she took me up on my offer. “I didn’t come to hurt you, Tegan, honestly. I came here to apologize for what an asshole I’ve been to you and Sara.”

I didn’t say anything back because Sara’s name caught me off guard, bringing me back to what happened just a few hours ago. She must have noticed the pain on my face as she said that.

“Where  _is_  Sara?” She asked as she walked in, looking around the room.

“She um,” I stuttered, “she left.”

“Is everything okay?” She asked with sincere concern in her eyes.

“Yeah. Well, um. No,” my voice quieted, but I managed to hold in my oncoming sobs. I had to be strong about it, especially in front of Lindsey. For all I knew, she could have had other intentions by coming here. After all, it was Lindsey. “She sort of broke up with me.” I felt small as I held onto her gifts, cradling them into my chest and stared into space.

She jerked to touch me, concerned that I wouldn’t let her after all that happened. But she put her hand on my shoulder, regardless and had deep discomfort in her face.

“Tegan, I’m  _so_ sorry. If it had anything to do with me, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. She said the relationship was too hard for her to deal with,” I spoke delicately as she pulled me into a hug.

“I’m so sorry, Tee,” I flinched at the call of Sara’s nickname for me. “I can go, I just wanted to apologize to you in person.”

“No. It’s okay Linds,” I held her gifts in one arm between us and wrapped my other around her into a hug. I didn’t think she was ever going to come and apologize. “You can stay.”

“Okay. Just kick me out whenever,” she removed herself from the hug and pointed to the chocolates, “You hungry?”

“Yeah, starving actually.”

“Sit down, I’ll get a vase for these and we’ll eat some of these chocolates,” she offered as she took the gifts and poured us two glasses of water.

I sat down and Lindsey followed with the box of chocolates, sitting at a comfortable distance from me. Not close enough for me to think she was hitting on me. She took a piece of chocolate from the box and ate it. A smile formed on her face as she handed me one.

“Do you remember how happy you got when I would bring you these?”

I let out a small chuckle, “Yeah. They’re my favourite; the flowers, too.”

“I remember,” she smiled as she reminisced about our old memories together. She took another chocolate from the box, putting it in my mouth as she laughed, “And when I used to feed you them like this.”

“Mhm,” I giggled with a full mouth, “We were pretty cute.”

“We used to just sit and talk all night,” she continued, “Remember the question game?”

“Of course,” I waited before I finished chewing to speak, letting out another smile.

Lindsey’s smile turned somewhat serious, “Are you okay, Tee? Do you want to talk about anything?”

Maybe she could see past my smile that I was hiding hurt, but I wanted to take my mind off of her as best as I could. I didn’t want to talk about it, “Is that your first question?”

She smiled up at me as she fed me another chocolate, “Technically that was two.”

“Good point,” I spoke with my mouth full again. I decided to wear my heart on my sleeve. “Honestly, I’m not okay. I’ve never been so hurt in my life. I don’t know if I want to talk about it, I think I just want to get my mind off of it.”

“You know I’m here for you if it’s bothering you.”

“I know. Thanks, Linds,” I was trying to hold back sobs now.

She caressed the corners of my eyes as she saw tears let out, “It’s okay, Tee. Please don’t cry. She missed out on an amazing girl.”

I took her wrists and set them back down on her lap, “You didn’t want me, either.”

“That’s not true. I was stupid. I got scared of commitment. I missed my chance with you. I fucked up badly,” she corrected me.

“Yeah,” I had to laugh at it. I was numbed to pain that I couldn’t even feel the tears on my face. “You did.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk to me about Sara?” She asked again, I’m sure she didn’t want to talk about her fucking up the relationship. I had talked that out to no end with Ted and Sara already.

“I’m sure,” I reaffirmed as I wiped the tears off of my face myself.

“So then my third question:” Lindsey stretched over to the light switch, opening the blackout shades to reveal the pretty night sky and sat down a little closer to me. She fed me another candy, fingers lingering at my lips, “anything I can do to help you get your mind off of this?”

“Are you trying to flirt with me?”

“Am I allowed to?” She asked with her fingers still at my lips. They tasted like chocolate.

“Um, I guess so,” I allowed reluctantly as I took her hand in the palm of mine, anxiety rising in my core. This felt like it was happening all too quick; I felt my breaths became shaky and unsteady as she looked intensely at me. I watched her expression as she bit her lip and didn’t blink.

“Is it working?” She questioned, still serious.

“Um,” I bit my lip as I watched her do the same, “I don’t know.”

Fingers lingered on my lips still; Lindsey started to caress the corner of my mouth. She was looking at my lips now and I swallowed hard. I felt nervous, tense and uneasy.

I listened to our trembling breaths interlocking in the air in suspense for her to say something. Her gaze had me on edge.

She licked her lips, looking up into my eyes and then to my parted mouth simultaneously, stroking it harder with her fingers. She licked her lips and came a little closer.

“I just want to try something,” she continued to look between my lips and my eyes, hesitant to proceed, but kept coming closer. “Stop me if you’re not comfortable with this, okay?”

“Mhm.” I shrilled as she pulled the corner of my mouth with her thumb and pressed her mouth gently against mine into a warm kiss.

She curled my hair around her fingers, keeping her other hand at my cheek. “Is this okay, sweetheart?”

“Mhm,” I murmured, not breaking the kiss as she pulled me up on top of her, holding onto my hips and asking for permission again.

“This okay?” She sucked on my lower lip before pulling out of the kiss to hear my approval. She had her hands on my thighs now, moving them closer to my bum.

My whimpers were my consent for her to go further. I didn’t think twice about what I was doing; I just knew that what I was doing took my mind off Sara. As long as it took my mind off of Sara, I didn’t care what I was doing.

Lindsey took her hands off of my body as a cell phone rang.

“Is that mine?” I asked as she broke the kiss and I kept my gaze on her.

“It’s mine, just a client. I don’t need to take it right now, it’s not important.” She declined the call and pressed her hands back onto me and we continued making out before I could respond “okay.”

I felt emptiness in my stomach and it hurt as I continued pressing my body up against someone who wasn’t Sara. Sara and I made love right here on this couch. Lindsey had my legs straddled around her waist and I could see the beautiful view of Verona when my mouth wasn’t pressed to hers. It wasn’t as beautiful when I wasn’t looking at it with Sara.

Everything was beautiful when I was with her.

I sniffled lightly and I knew Lindsey could hear. She broke the kiss to look into my eyes and lingered.

“It’s okay, baby,” she whispered as she wiped my tears again. “Is this helping get your mind off of her?”

I closed my eyes, holding in more sobs, nodding and waiting for her to kiss me again.

Lindsey kissed the corners of my eyes and delicately pressed her lips against my forehead, then my cheeks, my nose and my chin. Everywhere but my lips. “I want to help you get through tonight, baby.”

_I’m not your baby._

“I want you to get me through tonight, too.”

She pulled on my lower lip, biting it harder now and massaged our tongues against each other’s. Our breathing turned into panting as she handled me rougher and pressed my body harder into hers. Lindsey listened to my whimpers of pleasure and pain and started biting down on my neck.

“Does it still hurt, baby?” She was talking about Sara, she wasn’t causing enough pain physically to hurt me; it felt good.

I nodded my head as I let out a single tear and Lindsey dabbed it. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” she soothed me and rocked my body into hers. “We can stop if this is too much. I understand,” she insisted.

I shook my head now in response to her suggestion. “No. It’s not. It’s okay.”

“Okay, come here, baby,” she pulled me close again. “Can I put my hands here?” She asked as she put her hands underneath my shirt. My eyes glazed over as she touched my bare skin; I didn’t give a shit what she did to my body anymore. I just wanted her to help me forget about reality and my fucked up life.

“Put them wherever you want,” I asserted with a rasp in my tone and stared at her with my bloodshot, shattered eyes.

She started to move her hands up and down my body, looking at my reaction as she brushed my skin hard. “Does that feel good, baby?”

“Yes,” I moaned. Lindsey started to unbuckle the clasp on my bra as she looked up at me. “I’m not even going to ask, you’re just going to let me,” she giggled, removing my bra now without my consent.

“Do whatever you want to me.”

“I’ll only do what you want me to,” she corrected me as she pressed her palms against my shoulder blades, teasing to go forward to my chest. “What do you want?”

“Touch me,” I pleaded, “Touch me until I can’t feel pain anymore.” I put my hands to her forearms as she held my body up, forcing her to touch my breasts now. “Please,” I begged, “Please just fucking touch me.”

“That good, baby?” She breathed and squeezed my breasts hard, kissing my neck and releasing a shriek from me. My body jolted as she stroked my nipples and kissed my lips. “You taste like chocolate.”

“Yeah? So do you.” I let out a giggle and became serious, “That’s not rough enough. Can you go harder, please?”

My heart raced as she lifted up my shirt as soon as I asked, struggling to get it off overtop of my head. I whimpered hard as she sucked her mouth to each nipple with little hesitation. I could feel her teeth bite down hard to my request as she gripped my breasts in her hands.

“Oh! Oh fuck!” I let out a pained mewl as I watched how rough she was with me. I bit my lip, waiting for her to do something else to my body.

“You want more,” she asserted as she released her grip from my breasts and put her hands back on my thighs, running them up and down. “You like being spanked?”

“You don’t have to ask, remember?” I looked into her deep hazel depths with lust in mine. A devilish smirk grew on her face as she rubbed my thighs, slipping of my leggings slowly, but purposefully.

“Oh God, Tee. You’re so fucking sexy. I don’t have to ask, but I’m gonna make you beg,” she declared, rubbing my bare body now and brushing her fingers along my panties.

“Just do it,” I urged her. “I don’t want it to hurt anymore.”

“I don’t want to hurt your body, baby. You’re already hurting inside. Don’t do this to yourself, sweetheart.”

“Just fucking hit me!” I demanded, screaming now and begging like she asked.

Lindsey took in a deep breath before she found the courage to do what I asked. I closed my eyes, tilting my chin up, anticipating her blow. She squeezed my nipples, harder than the last and bit down on them again. I let out a whimper at her hard slap against my thighs.

“Ow! Harder!” I begged and fought through the pain; Sara meant nothing to me right now.

“Come here, sweetie. I don’t want to hurt you like that.” Lindsey pulled my body closer, pressing my breasts up against her shirt and mouth against hers. She ran her tongue along my lips and tried to ease me.

“You don’t want to hurt me? But you’re _so_  good at it, Lindsey.” I felt like I was drunk on hurt and bitterness. I was saying things that I would have never said to her if I were in a normal state right now. I spoke to her with a taunt in my voice, wanting her to continue abusing me as I whined.

“Come on, Tegan. That’s not funny,” she was hurt by my words.

“You are, Lindsey. You’re _so_  good at it. Do you know how fucked up you made me? Why stop now?” I pressed her hands back to my chest and she tried to resist my intensity.

“Baby, please. Don’t talk like that. I want to help you get your mind off of this,” I could hear the emotion and hurt in my ex-lover’s voice.

“You said you would do whatever I wanted you to,” I reiterated to her as I tried to convince her to continue, “I want you to hit me.”

“Come on, baby. Let me love you like you deserve.”

“I’m unlovable. I’m never good enough, not for anyone,” I went on and whined.

“That’s not true, sweetheart,” Lindsey protested against me, gently stroking my body with her hands and going against my push.

“You love me? That’s not what you told me when you left me. Just fuck me like you planned when you came here. Fuck me hard, I’m letting you.”

“Please stop, baby. That’s not why I came here. I wanted your forgiveness and that’s it. I’m leaving right now if you don’t stop acting like this,” Lindsey threatened me, knowing I needed her right now.

“No! Please don’t leave me!”

She didn’t say anything else as she looked into my eyes and I looked into hers. All that filled the room was our heavy breaths, calming down now. We looked all over each other’s faces, only making physical contact at the hips and thighs as I wrapped mine around her. My brows furrowed and my defense was up.

_What else would she have come here for?_

She took one of the last chocolates from the box and put it in my mouth, along with her fingers after I swallowed it. I sucked on her fingers passionately, core aching now for her to go further. My heart was unsure that it was a good idea, but I couldn’t listen to it anymore; it just failed me and hurt me and left me heartbroken.

“You taste good,” I said suggestively, walls back down and no longer on defense.

“My fingers?” She knew exactly what I was talking about.

“Mhm,” I moaned, sucking them harder in my mouth as I made eye contact with her.

“Think they’ll feel good, too?”

I took her fingers out of my mouth and put her hands between my legs, “I already know they feel good,” I nudged her, teasing. “You’ve fucked me before.”

“I know, your pussy feels so good on my fingers, babe,” Lindsey breathed, inching her face up to mine to kiss me now.

“You wanna kiss me?” I continued to tease her and not give in.

“Mhm, your lips taste so good,” she breathed against my mouth. “Do you like kissing me, baby?”

“Are we playing the question game again? You’re real smooth,” I husked as I made her resist me longer. “Yes I do like kissing you. I missed it.”

“I know you miss kissing her more.”

“Just say her name,” I almost lashed out again. I don’t know what was wrong with me.

“Tegan, shh. It’s okay,” she pressed her fingers to my lips and out from my mouth. “I’m yours all night. I’m going to love you all night. Maybe you should just stop talking.” Lindsey had a point. “Open your mouth, calm down, baby. Please just relax already,” I could tell I was driving Lindsey nuts as she spoke, beginning to sound redundant now.

“Okay, Linds. I’m sorry. I’m done,” I continued to apologize, not going to mention Sara or whine anymore. It was time to put my hurt on the back burner and just let her make me feel good like I had asked. “Kiss me, baby.”

Lindsey took my face in her hands and I could smell my arousal on them from when I shoved them between my legs. Our lips were barely touching and I could feel her breath on me now. She made my body dizzy as she finally went in to kiss me. She moaned as she kept her lips on mine and I whimpered when she put her hands back to where I had them.

I breathed sharp when she started to massage my exposed thighs, reaching very close between my legs. “Do you want me to go further, sweetheart?”

“Mhm.” I didn’t want to break the kiss. It turned me on when she kept asking for my permission even when I told her not to. “Please, Lindsey,” I begged.

My moans were uncontrollable now that she was touching me overtop of the material that kept the last part of my exposed body concealed from her. I couldn’t stop my whines as she continued to stroke the most sensitive part of my body.

“Aren’t you gonna keep going?” I asked, waiting for her to take off my panties as I put my grip on her fingers that she tempted me with.

My eyes opened wide at the touch of her fingers stroking gradually harder directly against my clit. She took her fingers underneath my panties and ripped them off without hesitation. My body jerked up and I rushed my hands to my mouth to hold in a moan. If Ted or Jasper heard this, it wouldn’t be good.

“Want me to take you to bed, beautiful?” She continued to rub my clit and bite my neck and suck gently on my lips, awaiting my response. I was whimpering so hard that she knew exactly what my answer would be.

“Uh, fuck! Yes, just fuck me already. Please!”

She locked my legs around her with her lips pressed against mine. Holding onto my bum, she brought me over and threw me onto the bed.

Where Sara and I first made love.

“Everything okay, baby?” Lindsey asked me, noticing my expression change as I looked around at my new surroundings. “You sleep with Sara on this bed?”

I closed my eyes and nodded. “Yeah, it’s okay. Just keep going, Linds.”

She put her fingers back to where I wanted them most, moving her digits to my opening now. “So fucking wet. I forgot how good you feel. Your pussy was so fucking good. And your taste, oh fuck, babe,” she fingered my juices on her hand before thrusting into me. “You fuck your sister with that pussy, too?”

I closed my eyes and creased my brows, jerking my body as I flinched at her words. “That’s pretty sexy,” I felt my clit twitch against her fingers as she spoke and I inhaled deep, bracing myself for her shove her digits inside me.

Lindsey clutched her hand onto my chest as she thrust into my pussy with her two fingers. I cursed out loud and called her name as she repeatedly pumped her digits in and out of my throbbing pussy.

“Oh fuck, baby.” She exclaimed as she pulled her sex-slicked fingers out from between my legs, “Look how wet your are. You like when I touch your tight pussy like that?”

“Mm!” I moaned, pressing my lips together to keep the guys from hearing between the walls. I clearly had no more self-respect for myself as I let Lindsey fuck me like this. “Fuck me hard, Lindsey. Harder, baby.” I bit my fingers between my teeth to cover up my screams.

She added another finger between my legs, causing me to shriek as she pressed her hand against my new ink. “Ugh, Tegan you’re so sick and twisted. Did you let Sara fuck you like this?”

My body flinched up again at the use of her name again and I uncontrollably let out another pained whimper.

“Sorry, baby. I’ll stop, it’s just so—” she trailed off, knowing I didn’t want her to keep talking. I knew exactly what she was going to say; she sexualized my relationship with her. “Does that feel good?”

She fucked me harder and listened to my uncontrollable screams and sobs through the first night I suffered without my true love.

\--

Two hours passed and she still wasn’t done fucking me. My eyes rolled back as she slammed my sweat-slicked body hard to the headboard. My body thudded and jerked uncontrollably against her as I rode out another orgasm against her fingers and her mouth interchangeably. “Don’t hold back, Tee. Come hard,” she breathed in my ear and I let out irrepressible screams.

I stretched out my legs and took in a deep breath, feeling like I had been holding it in since we started getting physical with each other. She brushed her hands along my bare skin, jutting my body more and eventually twisted her fingers against the curls of my sweat-matted bangs. I pressed my head into her chest as she breathed on me. We looked up at each other, exhausted from the last three hours, naked bodies pressed against each other.

“You and me, Tee.” Lindsey brushed her fingers along the ink of my forearm.

I took one last breath before falling asleep, brushing my fingers against hers. “Me and you, Linds.”


	30. Broken

**Sara**

 

“Excuse me, do you have any rooms available right now?” The clerk at the front desk stared at me like someone had just died. To be completely honest right now, it probably looked like I was part of the walking dead: bloodshot eyes, hair a mess, makeup most likely running down my tear-stained face.

 

“Yeah,” he jerked his glance to the computer, trying to keep professional and ignore that I was clearly going through something right now. “Let me check.”

 

I waited patiently as he pulled up files from the system, thinking about how I just lost Tegan. And not even having a choice about it. If I did, I would be back up in the room in our warm bed, sleeping next to her and loving her. Oh, what I’d give to be with her right now. I felt so cold and lost, and angry with myself that I followed Lindsey’s orders so easily.

 

I hated her so much for ruining what Tegan and I had.

 

“Here you go, ma’am. We still have your credit card on file. We won’t charge you for the rooms until check out.” He handed me the door key to another room, breaking me from my thoughts.

 

“Oh, thank you.”

 

I walked along and rolled my suitcase with me to the elevator. I heard Stacy’s familiar, calm voice as she grabbed my shoulder from behind. “Hey, Sara. What are you doing down here so late?”

 

“Stacy, hi.” I spoke quietly, turning around as she saw my shattered depths. “It’s a long story. And if you’re gonna ask—nothing’s okay. But I’m not really ready to talk about it.”

 

Hurt crept onto Stacy’s face. Maybe Lindsey told her about the ultimatum; they are staying in the same room after all. I can never read Lindsey, though; she’s so scheming that I don’t even know if she’s told anyone, or if she plans to.

 

She kept her hand on my shoulder and comforted me, “I’m sorry to hear that. Tegan’s there for you to get through things, don’t forget that.” She smiled at me, in hopes that her words would reassure me that everything would get better.

 

I stared to the ground and tried to put out a smile, nodding my head.

 

“Oh! Sara, I’m  _so_  sorry! I’m so thoughtless, I had no idea.” She apologized as she realized I didn’t want to talk about my relationship with Tegan, which she just picked up on the fact that it was clearly no more. “If there’s  _anything_  you need, please know I’m here for you. Okay?”

 

It was so hard to talk about it and hold back tears at the same time; it felt almost near impossible. Stacy pulled me into a hug without thinking about how I was still unforgiving toward her. I knew she had good intentions, I just couldn’t forget what she had done to Tegan. She could have stopped it.

 

Knowing that she had a good heart, I went in to hug her back. In that moment, I realized that Stacy, Lindsey and I have all hurt Tegan in the past week. I thought to myself that maybe I’m just like them; maybe I’m just as terrible a person as Lindsey.

 

Maybe I made a huge mistake by breaking up with Tegan right now.  _How could Lindsey really know if I didn’t and said that I did?_  We were leaving to France tomorrow anyway.  _What if I just told Tegan about Lindsey’s ultimatum and we kept our relationship a secret from her?_   _Am I overestimating her?_ I feel like I haven’t even seen half of what she’s capable of, but maybe I’m overreacting.  _Did I act too fast out of fear?_

 

Regardless of if I stayed with Tegan or not, if Lindsey wants to exploit our relationship I’m sure she would. I’m just so confused. I don’t know if I made the wrong decision.  _Will Tegan ever even forgive me?_

 

“Thanks, Stace. What are you doing out here so late?”

 

She took a long sigh as she released me from her hug, “Lindsey.” She paused and took a second to think before speaking again. “I don’t trust her. I don’t want to be around her. I don’t feel comfortable there. I just go back there at night. I’m going to go back home soon, I’ve just been exploring the city.”

 

“I don’t trust her, either.”

 

“Keep your distance as far as you can from her. Make sure Tegan knows that, too.” She stuttered at Tegan’s name, but she had to mention that regardless. She was right; Lindsey’s conniving. “Do you need any help with your…suitcase? Oh, I didn’t realize you’re going to a new room.”

 

“Yeah. It’s okay, Stacy. Everything’s going to be okay, at least that’s what I keep telling myself.”

 

“It will be,” she smiled, pressing on the elevator button. “I’ll come walk you up.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

\--

 

Stacy hugged me goodbye just after I opened the door to my new room. She offered to help me unpack, but we were leaving tomorrow anyways. There would have been no point.

 

The room was identical to ours; I couldn’t sleep here. I couldn’t stay here a night by myself, it’s too lonely. I don’t know what Tegan could possibly be doing to pass the time right now, but I just know tonight is going to feel like forever without her.

 

I pulled out the bottle of gin from my suitcase, grabbed my wallet and phone and headed straight for the door. Before my conscience clued into reality I found myself at the beach by me and Tegan’s spot. If I thought my new hotel room reminded me of Tegan, this beach sure wasn’t going to remind me of her any less. It held so many memories; it’s where we had our first kiss and even made love here.

 

I laid my back down by the wall of the pier and on the sand, looking up at the night sky and the stars and the huge, bright moon. Maybe Tegan was staring up at it, too right now. Maybe she’s thinking of me. Maybe she’s with Ted and Jasper. I don’t know. I just hope she’s okay and I didn’t hurt her too much. I felt like I had no other option but to end our relationship.

 

I really feared Lindsey right now.

 

Maybe Stacy was right; Tegan needed to keep her distance from Lindsey. That wasn’t going to be difficult, Tegan was still so traumatized by her and harboured so much hate for her, although now I feel like her aversion has turned into sadness. That was made pretty clear at last night’s show when she walked off on the encore.

 

 _But what about Lindsey keeping her distance from Tegan?_  I had no idea what her intentions are now that Tegan and I aren’t together.  _Does she really think she has a chance with Tegan?_  She’s crazy to think she does. On the other hand she is absolutely psycho and Tegan could be in a highly persuasive state right now.  _What if she asked if we were broken up yet so she could try and sleep with Tegan?_ She doesn’t even love her or want her for a serious relationship.  _How could she treat someone so badly?_  I hope Tegan has more intelligence and self-respect to say no to her.

 

My mind was going to places that made me feel more sick and upset and I didn’t like that I couldn’t take control over my thoughts. I needed to talk to Tegan.

 

I pulled out my phone and dialed her number.

 

“Hi!”

 

“Tegan, it’s me, I—”

 

“It’s Tegan. I’m sorry I’m not available right now, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Bye!”

 

Damnit. It went straight to her voicemail.  _Did she turn off her phone?_ Maybe she just ignored my call. She probably hates me so much right now.  _What on earth could she be doing?_

 

“Hi, Tee, um, Tegan. I’m sure you probably hate me right now; I just can’t stop thinking about you. I didn’t know what to do; I was so scared. I think I made a huge mistake. Maybe I didn’t have to do what I did,” I took a deep breath until I went on. “I’m sorry, I’m just thinking out loud. I don’t want to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you, I meant everything I said about being in this together and no matter how hard it is I’ll always love you. Always. Just know that, okay? You mean so much to me and I can’t get you off my mind.

 

“I’m just, um; I’m at the beach. Thinking about things, you know, our first kiss and stuff. When we spent the night here. We shared something really special that night; I know you felt it, too. I felt so close to you, I always do. I’m looking up at the stars and it’s not the same without you here. God I miss you so much, Tee.

 

“If you’re still up and you get this and…if there’s any chance you want to see me. I’ll be here at our spot. But if you don’t, I understand, too. I hope you’re okay right now, I don’t know what you’re doing. I hope you’re keeping busy in some way, maybe you’re playing music or something, I don’t know. I’m rambling, sorry.

 

“Listen though, Tee. Just please be careful about Lindsey, okay? Please. I know you’re a smart girl and you can take care of yourself and you don’t need me to tell you that, but I know you’re not in the right state of mind right now. She’s calculating, you know that. Please take care of yourself; I don’t want her taking advantage of you. Especially when you’re like this. That would hurt me too much.

 

“Maybe you don’t want to hear this, but I love you so much. You’re always going to be my baby, no matter what. God, why am I not with you right now? I hope everything’s okay. Okay, I’ll let you go. Please just…call me. I miss you. Bye, Tee.”

 

I hung up the phone, tears dripping from my eyes. I imagined the worst to be happening right now, I didn’t want to think about it. I know Tegan’s smart, I know it. She’s not going to do anything stupid no matter how upset she’s feeling right now. God, I hope not. I just want her back in my arms.

 

I opened up the bottle of gin lying beside me and took a swig straight from it. The alcohol was so strong and I had nothing to wash it down with. The burning taste in my throat made me cringe a little. I kept taking sips from it, feeling hopeless and looking out into the water. I wished Tegan was here with me and I cold just tell her everything and why I did that. I wished she knew I really was just protecting her, but maybe I was so stupid and shouldn’t have done it. I panicked.

 

I heard my cell phone ring and my heart jumped as my eyes flicked over to the screen. Disappointed filled my chest when I noticed that it wasn’t Tegan. It was mom. I haven’t talked to her since the night we left and I couldn’t decline her call; she’d be worried about me if I didn’t pick up.

 

Accept.

 

“Hi, mom,” I tried to force a smile. I looked at my face in the screen and it was glistening with tears.  _Who was I kidding?_  She can tell whenever I was sad.

 

“Hi, baby!” Her voice was upbeat and then I watched as her face turned to sorrow, “Where are you? It’s dark, are you okay, Sara?”

 

I kept my lips pressed together, mouth trembling in attempt to hold in sobs. It was either I didn’t say a word or I bawled out when I attempted to speak.

 

“No,” I let out broken sobs, attempting the second option but failing as planned. “Nothing’s okay, mom. I’m at the beach, I just came here for some quiet.”

 

“What’s wrong, baby? Where’s Tegan?” She had panic in her voice. She could barely see my face because there were no lights on the beach. It was a little dangerous to be here, but I didn’t even think about that right now.

 

“She’s up in the room,” I answered to her second question since the first was way too complicated and in no way was I going to tell her what’s been going on this week.

 

“Sweetheart, what is it?”

 

I choked on a few more of my sobs before I could speak, not like I wanted to anyway. I suppose there were parts of what was wrong that I could tell her, but I would definitely be keeping her in the dark about the most upsetting piece of the story. “Stacy and I broke up.”

 

I cringed that that was the part of the story that bothered me the least, and really the only part that I could tell her.

 

She looked heartbroken, for herself and for me. She had always really liked Stacy. “Why, what happened? You two were so happy, Sara.”

 

“I know, I know. We were,” I paused for a second to pull myself together. “It just wasn’t working out between us anymore.”

 

“Did you break up with her?”

 

“Yeah,” I whimpered.

 

“Were you not happy with her anymore, sweetie?” She continued to question me with sincere concern.

 

“It’s not that. I don’t know.” I stuttered, trying to hide huge parts of the story. “I’m not ready to talk about it yet. She just wasn’t my, you know, soul mate.”

 

“Why do you say that, Sara? Did you fall in love with someone else in Verona?”

 

“No, well maybe. Yes,” I corrected myself, continuing to stammer, “I don’t want to talk about it, mom.”

 

“Okay, baby. I can’t believe you didn’t call me and tell me. I’ve missed you girls so much. How’s Tegan? Are her and Lindsey doing okay?”

 

I looked down at the bottle of gin, wanting to take another swig at the mention of Lindsey’s name. I despised her with every cell in my body. “Lindsey’s been cheating on Tegan in Verona. They broke up when we got here.”

 

I heard her shriek through the phone.

 

“Yeah, she got engaged to some guy here and Tegan found out. He and Tegan are actually good friends now, he’s not with Lindsey anymore. Lindsey’s a really terrible person, mom. Like really terrible. I hate her.”

 

“Sara, that’s horrible! You girls have had a nightmare of a week. Please take care of each other, okay? Why aren’t you with her right now? It’s so late there! The beach is dangerous at night,” she worried.

 

“It’s okay, mom. It’s safe here. It’s fine. We just need time apart from each other right now.”

 

“Please be careful, baby. And please be there for each other.”

 

“I know, mom. I’m gonna go now.”

 

“I love you so much, go back to the room soon,” she ordered.

 

“I will. I love you too.”

 

I ended the call with my mom, taking the bottle of gin back in my hands and taking another few swigs. I missed Tegan’s soft touch; I missed her childish laugh, her warm skin next to mine, gummy smile. I missed the look on her face when she would give in to my begging for her to love me when she wanted to resist me. I missed when she would taunt me and purposely get on my nerves just to get a rise out of me and giggle uncontrollably at my reactions. I missed the taste of her passionate kisses on my lips and her familiar smell that was left on my pillow. I could still smell her scent on my clothes.

 

It hurt to breathe in now.

 

I took another sip and swallowed hard at the burn in my throat, shrieking out agonizing, pained cries now. It was just me and the ocean. Nothing else. It didn’t matter how loud I screamed, no one was around to hear me.

 

The cold air gave me goose bumps on my skin and I sat close enough to feel the calm waves pull in to my feet. I hugged myself deeper into my sweater, keeping warm. It was the only option now that Tegan wasn’t here to hold me tonight.

 

Half a bottle of gin later, I curled up into myself and tucked my head into my chest. I fell asleep on the beach, this time without Tegan. It was painful and void. The soft hums of the waves mixed with my ached cries chanted me to sleep. I have never felt this empty in my life.

 

\--

 

I took my suitcase, the only mark I left in my new room, and headed down to the tour bus with my coffee. We had eight hours until we were going to be in Paris for our next show, which wasn’t until tomorrow night. I rolled my suitcase up the steps and stood it in what I like to refer to as the living room of the bus.

 

“Hey Ted. Hey Jasper. Good morning,” I spoke in a monotone, clearly exhausted.

 

“Morning, Sara,” Jasper looked rather high-spirited with a bit of a smirk. “I never thought I’d actually be happy to see that you didn’t get any sleep last night.”

 

“Why?” I didn’t know what he was getting at.

 

“You and Tegan; you made up last night.”

 

“What are you talking about, Jasper?” I looked over to Ted, who seemed like he had clued in to something that Jasper and I haven’t yet. He looked uncomfortable.

 

“We could hear you guys all night,” Jasper went on.

 

“What?” My heart sank; he wasn’t talking about what I think he was talking about.  _Was he?_

“Come on, Sara. You know what I’m talking about.”

 

“Jasper,” I looked at him, upset and troubled. “I got a new room, we didn’t make up. I was at the beach last night.”

 

Ted put his palm to his face, putting two and two together at the knowledge of the ultimatum. Although it didn’t take a genius to figure out what happened. Jasper stared at me as he watched my face grow distraught and broken.

 

“Oh my god,” Jasper clued in as he watched my eyes fill with sadness and body break down.

 

I knew it. My gut instinct was right.  _How could I be so stupid to let this happen?_  Ted and Jasper were silent and speechless as I broke down in front of them and bawled my shattered eyes out. My heart felt like it broke into a million more pieces just when I thought it already had.

 

With all the strength I had left, I stumbled over to my bunk and closed the curtain as I fell into bed, hugging my knees into my chest. Sobs followed louder and louder, filling the tour bus with my wounded screams.

 

_Lindsey: Show her the voicemail and I leak everything I have of you two to the press. I’ll know if you do. Thanks for calling to check up on her last night. Thought I’d let you listen in on what you’re missing. You really broke her heart, Sara. Don’t worry; I was there for her. Funny how you said she would never get back with me._

Voicemail?

 

I had one unread. I didn’t notice it until now. I dialed in my passcode and listened in; it was from Tegan.

 

I could hear Tegan crying on the other end, it sounded like they were talking about me. I knew I didn’t want to hear this message. It must have been Lindsey who declined my call and she called my number back when my mom video called me.

 

 _“Can I put my hands here?”_  I heard Lindsey ask Tegan, followed by a lot of rustling in the background. Oh God, she’s sick. She didn’t do what I think she did.

_“Put them wherever you want.”_ Tegan spoke carelessly back at her. Oh, Tegan. No, you didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t.

 

 _“Does that feel good, baby?”_ Lindsey asked Tegan again followed by more rustling and Tegan’s whimpering. My body was shaking now, in fury and horror.

 

_“Yes. Do whatever you want to me.”_

_“What do you want?”_

_“Touch me. Touch me until I can’t feel pain anymore. Please. Please just fucking touch me.”_

My breaths were heavy and my body was weak as I heard Tegan continue to ask Lindsey to touch her body to help her forget about the pain.

 

The pain that I caused.

 

_“You like being spanked?”_

_“Just fucking hit me,”_ I listened to Lindsey refusing Tegan and then eventually she slapped her body hard until Tegan was crying loud,  _“Ow! Harder!”_

“No!” I cried to myself as I pressed the phone to my chest, “Oh, Tegan. You’re so fucking stupid! She doesn’t love you! How could you do this to yourself? How could you let her touch you? Why?” I carried out my shrieks and unanswered questions and I’m sure Ted and Jasper could hear me if they couldn’t before. I didn’t hear them say a word.

 

I deleted the recording and threw the phone. The bus was dead silent once I quieted my screams. I bawled hard into my pillow to muffle the sounds as I stayed in the fetal position. I wanted to rip my heart out of my chest; it felt empty anyway. I didn’t need it anymore. It didn’t do me any good.

 

I heard the door creak open and it must have been Tegan. I couldn’t face her right now, let alone hear her voice. I thought I heard Lindsey within earshot, too.  _Was Lindsey actually suggesting that they were back together?_  There was no way in hell that Tegan would do that after everything Lindsey’s done to her. She better not bring her on the bus.

 

_Please, Tee. You’re better than that, baby. I know you are._


	31. Mercy

**Tegan**

I woke up to Lindsey this morning, and unlike the last time this happened I anticipated it. My mouth was dry from screaming and eyes heavy from crying. My body was sore and in pain from asking Lindsey to hurt me.

 _How could I be so stupid?_   _Why did I ask her to do that to me? Why did I let her into my room in the first place? How could I overlook everything that she has done to me and how much she hurt me?_

I didn’t feel like I had any more tears to give, but I wanted to cry. I let her take advantage of me once again last night and clearly I have zero self-respect or self-worth. I felt so void when Sara left and then Lindsey just showed up, acting sweet. Of course I questioned her intentions and why she was acting different, but in reality I used her, too. I wanted to forget about the pain from my heartbreak and to be completely honest, the pain and pleasure that Lindsey gave me last night let me take my mind off of it.

Only somewhat, though; I could never get my mind entirely off of Sara.  _How could I?_  I love her so much. Lindsey just helped pass the time.

My naked body was pressed against Lindsey’s; she had her arms wrapped tightly around me and I could feel her breath on my face. I took in a deep breath, feeling disgusted with myself. Her touch didn’t feel good. She wasn’t Sara. She wasn’t sweet like her; she didn’t smell like her, she didn’t look at me like her or feel like her or make those cute sleepy hums like her.

I started to feel sick to my stomach now.

I pulled out my phone from underneath my pillow and looked through it to take my mind off of my thoughts. I had one missed call.  _Sara called me? When did she call me?_  Oh, Sara. I would have answered to you, baby. I wish I answered.

She called me at 11:34PM.  _Wasn’t that when I was with Lindsey? Didn’t Lindsey say she had a client call her from her phone?_  I looked around the room for Lindsey’s phone and it was just by her body on the bed. I checked it and looked for missed calls; there were none.

_She lied to me? Didn’t she know how hurt I was over Sara?_

I went back to my phone and listened to Sara’s voicemail.

_“Hi, Tee, um, Tegan.”_

I wanted to cry at the correction of her nickname for me. I can’t believe she called me; she was thinking about me.

_“I’m sure you probably hate me right now; I just can’t stop thinking about you. I didn’t know what to do; I was so scared. I think I made a huge mistake. Maybe I didn’t have to do what I did. I’m sorry, I’m just thinking out loud. I don’t want to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you, I meant everything I said about being in this together and no matter how hard it is I’ll always love you. Always. Just know that, okay? You mean so much to me and I can’t get you off my mind._

You mean so much to me, too. I can’t get you off my mind, either, my love.

_“I’m just, um; I’m at the beach. Thinking about things, you know, our first kiss and stuff. When we spent the night here. We shared something really special that night; I know you felt it, too. I felt so close to you, I always do. I’m looking up at the stars and it’s not the same without you here. God I miss you so much, Tee._

I miss you more, Sare.

_“If you’re still up and you get this and…if there’s any chance you want to see me. I’ll be here at our spot. But if you don’t, I understand, too. I hope you’re okay right now, I don’t know what you’re doing. I hope you’re keeping busy in some way, maybe you’re playing music or something, I don’t know. I’m rambling, sorry._

_Did Lindsey ignore Sara’s call when she was with me? How could she do that?_ She did come here to sleep with me; I knew it! I would have gone to see her.  _Of course I want to see you, Sara._

_“Listen though, Tee. Just please be careful about Lindsey, okay? Please. I know you’re a smart girl and you can take care of yourself and you don’t need me to tell you that, but I know you’re not in the right state of mind right now. She’s calculating, you know that. Please take care of yourself; I don’t want her taking advantage of you. Especially when you’re like this. That would hurt me too much._

I know she’s calculating, I knew that last night. I’m such a fucking idiot. I didn’t take care of myself; she  _did_  take advantage of me.  _Oh Sara, I’m so sorry._   _I don’t ever want to hurt you, sweetheart._

_“Maybe you don’t want to hear this, but I love you so much. You’re always going to be my baby, no matter what. God, why am I not with you right now? I hope everything’s okay. Okay, I’ll let you go. Please just…call me. I miss you. Bye, Tee.”_

I wanted to cry so hard right now, but my body still felt numb. Desensitized to anything right now. I saved the voicemail on my phone in case she never wants to speak to me again and this was all I have left of her.

She said she never wanted to hurt me, and that she meant what she said about being together.  _And that she still loves me?_   _Then why aren’t you here with me, Sare? Why did you leave me to die?_

_You made a mistake? You didn’t have to do what you did? You were scared? You didn’t know what to do?_

_Why do you say it like that, baby?_

“Good morning, my love.” Lindsey breathed on me in a raspy voice.

“Morning, Linds,” I said as I let her kiss my lips. Sigh. No self-respect.

“Did you sleep well, baby?”

“Um, no. Not really,” I spoke at a distance now—now that I knew her intentions of coming here.

“I’m sorry, babe.” She brushed my curls out of my face, “Did you enjoy last night?”

“Lindsey,” I breathed in deep, “Last night…last night isn’t going to happen again. I wasn’t thinking. Well, I was, but only about Sara. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. You know how hurt I was, Lindsey. We didn’t share anything special last night—you know we didn’t. You were just there to help me get through last night, which was a mistake. It’s never going to happen again, it shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have let it, I wasn’t thinking straight.”

Lindsey looked deeper into my eyes; she didn’t look heartbroken. “Am I not forgiven?”

“No,” I lied. I didn’t want to start anything right now. Not that Lindsey ever flinched at my hurtful words; she never cared as long as I let her sleep with me. “I just still love Sara; I always will. Come on, Linds. You don’t love me, just admit it.”

“I do still love you,” she caressed my cheek and I flinched my hand up at her wrist, setting her hand down. “I told you I fucked up.”

“I know. It’s okay that you did, Linds,” I lied again. “But my heart belongs to Sara.”

Lindsey looked confused by my words, like she didn’t understand. “She broke up with you, baby. She didn’t love you; I can love you the way you need to be loved. You liked last night.”

Her words shot anger through my body, but I tried not to lash out. “No, I didn’t. We are just going to have to move on from each other.” I got up and didn’t bother looking for my clothes as she gawked at my naked body. Again, not reacting to the fact that I told her to move on, despite that she ‘loved’ me. “I’m gonna go shower and pack my things.”

She didn’t chase after me; she didn’t say anything.

Once I was finished and got out from the bathroom, Lindsey was up and dressed. “I’ll walk you to the bus, baby.”

 _Did she not listen to a word I said to her in bed?_  I’m not her baby.

She took my suitcase and closed the door behind me, with her other hand resting on my lower back. I didn’t bother to get her off of me; she was going to be out of my sight soon.

I was going to see Sara soon, my stomach twisted at the thought. Guilt filled in my veins.

She managed to carry on light conversation, obnoxiously giggling as she walked me to the tour bus. I didn’t say much; my mind was somewhere else. I just smiled at her as she continued, hand still resting on my back.

“Okay, thanks, Linds. That’s nice of you to walk me.”  _Just please leave now._

“Enjoy Paris, love. I hope everything gets better soon.”

“Thanks.”

With her hand still on my back, Lindsey tried to pull me into a friendly goodbye hug. I accepted it but didn’t let it linger for more than a few seconds; I didn’t even hug her back, “Bye, Lindsey.”

I took my suitcase up the steps with me and saw Ted and Jasper as soon as I got in. They didn’t really react to me coming in. They kept their heads down into the newspaper they were reading.

“Hey guys.”

They looked up at me together—no smile or anything. They looked awkward and uncomfortable, like they didn’t want to talk to me.

“Hey Tegan,” Jasper forced out a smile as Ted spoke.

“Where’s Sara?” I asked on edge now, something wasn’t right.

Ted pointed to her bunk in the other room, I saw that her suitcase was already here. She got here before me. I took in a deep breath, hoping Ted had something else to say but he didn’t. I could hear heavy, but quiet sobs coming from the other room.

I looked down to the ground and back at Ted, trying to hold in my agony as I played with my fingers. “Ted, please say something.”

“She’s not taking this well; we’ve been listening to her crying for an hour. She’s been in and out of sleep. I think she’s having nightmares. I thought you two made up last night; we thought it was Sara in your room.”

“It was a mistake,” I couldn’t hold in my pain anymore. “I feel so disgusted with myself, Lindsey knows it was a mistake. You heard everything? Did you tell Sara?” I was starting to freak out now. Sara had caused me so much hurt and now I did the same to her. If she loved me still, I couldn’t understand why she did it in the first place.

“I thought you two made up,” Jasper broke in, “I told her by accident. I’m sorry for getting involved.”

“I have to go talk to her. Please don’t hate me, I know what I did was wrong. She showed up at my door and brought me flowers and chocolates. I left them in the room; I don’t want to look at them. She started flirting with me and I just wanted something to let me forget about Sara. It wasn’t right; I was so fucking stupid. I always let her take advantage of me, I feel so sick with myself.”

“We don’t hate you,” Ted breathed and I cried at his tone. It didn’t sound sincere and it stabbed me like a knife.

I dried my eyes and ambled over to the bunks, knocking at the wood on the bed. “Sara? It’s me. Can I come in?”

She opened her curtains and looked at me with her broken, deep brown orbs. Her bangs were matted to her forehead and face stained with tears. I sat down beside her as she lay in the fetal position; I didn’t know if I was allowed to touch her, so I didn’t. There was too much tension between us right now.

“I listened to your voicemail,” I said with a little smile, thinking back to her sweet words, but pained that I didn’t pick up to her call.

“When did you get it?” She asked me with disappointment in her voice.

“In the morning, as soon as I saw it.”

“I thought so,” she spoke silently. The bus was moving now. “Did you have fun with Lindsey last night?”

“Sara,” I husked at her question and brushed my hand over her shoulder. “No, I didn’t. I told her it was a mistake. Because it was.”

“Why’d you do it, Tee?” She looked up at me now, tears filling in her eyes.

“She came to my door, she brought me gifts as a peace offering and asked me to forgive her—”

“So you slept with her?” She was crying again, loud enough for the guys to hear.

“Sara, it’s not like that! Do you know how much pain you caused me last night? Do you know how bad that hurt me? And you didn’t even give me a reason for leaving!”

“You think last night was hard for  _you_? I drank myself to sleep on the beach last night! Mom called me questioning everything and why you weren’t with me! I was so worried about you; I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe you were looking up at the stars, too. You were just fucking letting Lindsey take advantage of you! How could you let her do that to you?” She held tight onto my wrists and muffled her screams into her pillow.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Sare! But you had no reason to leave me; I was so in love with you! You can’t just do that to me and expect me not to hurt. She started flirting with me and it was the only way I could think of for it not to hurt anymore. She was being really nice to me, I’m sorry, Sare I was so stupid. I’m so sorry!”

“You’re so fucking stupid, Tegan! Did you even think of me?” She bawled harder and her screams were becoming harder to decipher.

“I know, I know!” I cried, “I couldn’t stop thinking of you, she’s not you and I knew that. I thought it wouldn’t hurt as bad if I let her.”

“Where did you do it?” Her voice went quiet as she tried to hold in her whimpers, “We made love for the first time on that bed, did you remember that?”

I didn’t say anything; my oncoming sobs wouldn’t allow me to. Sara screamed harder, but this time as she buried her face into my chest. “How could you, Tee? How could you do that to us?”

“Sara, stop!” I shrieked and held her tight. “It was an accident. I told her it was never going to happen again.”

“Are you dating her again?”

“No, I told her I’m in love with you,” I wanted this fight to be over again. I didn’t want to be holding her because of these circumstances; I wanted to hold her because she was mine and I was hers. “She told me you didn’t love me, but I know you still do, Sare. Why did you break up with me? It wasn’t that hard; you know it wasn’t. There’s something you’re not telling me.”

Sara cried harder and held onto my body, “I do still love you. I love you so much and that hurt me so bad. I told you it would. I can’t tell you, Tee.”

“Sara please; you can tell me.”

“I can’t,” she repeated against my shirt.

“Will you ever forgive me?” I asked, worried that she never will. I wasn’t sure I could even forgive myself for what I did; let alone for how much it hurt Sara.

“I can’t be mad at you for something I caused. This was all my fault.” She voiced softly and calmly now.

“Sare, I wasn’t thinking last night. That wasn’t your fault,” I reasoned with her.

“If I didn’t leave, I could have stopped it. You could have stopped it. She’s such a monster.”

“She declined your call; she told me it was her phone ringing and she declined it.”

“I had a feeling she did,” Sara’s voice was muffled while her face was buried into my chest.

“Why can’t we be together anymore, Sare? You love me, don’t you? What happened?” I tried to tilt her face up to mine; I needed to know answers.

“It’s not that simple, Tee. Please just don’t do anything stupid like that again. I do love you; you have to believe me right now. It’s all we have until I can fix it.”

“Fix what?” There was definitely something she wasn’t telling me.  _Was I ever going to know?_   _How was she going to fix it?_

“Tee, I  _can’t_ tell you. Just please stay away from Lindsey. She’s not good; you  _know_ that. You’re smart; I know you are. Please don’t do that again— _please_.”

“What’s gonna happen if you tell me? What’s the problem?” I continued to question her, it just wasn’t adding up.

“I can’t tell you,” she whimpered against my plain white T-shirt, which was probably soaked now.

“Can I at least stay with you right now?”

“Are you still communicating with Lindsey?” She asked, cautious and concerned.

“No, I’m not going to respond if she does. I don’t want to talk to her, Sare. Do you believe me?”

“Yeah, I do. You never lie to me, Tee. I trust you.”

I smiled at her, tempting to give her a kiss but I knew I couldn’t. I opened the curtain and grabbed my guitar and came back to the bunk.

“I’ll serenade you,” I smiled at her. Thankful that she forgave me so easily, I didn’t think she would. But I guess we both hurt each other. The hurt was still plastered on her face as it was mine. I knew I was the stronger of us, I had to keep it,  _us,_  together—especially that we were touring and couldn’t afford to make any more mistakes.

Her glossy face looked up at me as she stayed in the fetal position, head resting on my lap. The tour bus rocked gently as I played her the notes to a song I was working on. I didn’t sing any specific lyrics, just hummed what I had in mind. I had my laptop on the other side of me as I typed in words to the tune. I felt her sleepy hums vibrating on my lap in between my melodic ones and she fell asleep peacefully.

This song was for Sara.


	32. Paris

**Tegan**

Ten hours passed of playing guitar, with Sara fallen asleep peacefully at my thighs, and we were finally here. Paris. It was an absolutely breathtaking city and I couldn’t wait to explore it when Sara and I had time. The sun had just set as we pulled into the new hotel. I was already imagining what the rooms would look like; I couldn’t wait to be sleeping next to Sara again. My heart skipped a beat just watching her with closed eyes, so calmly next to me.

“Hey, Sare.” I whispered as I took my guitar strap off my shoulders and stroked her soft bangs out from her eyes. “We’re here, look how beautiful it is!” I tried to keep my voice tranquil to prevent a rude awakening, but I couldn’t help it.

“Did I fall asleep?” Sara propped herself up from me with her hand on my thigh and looked out the window, “Wow.” Sara gasped at the grand, luxurious hotel along with the stunning scenery. She loved big, fancy buildings and I was really excited to take her to the Eiffel Tower on a date before we left Paris.

“I know,” I smiled up to her, “come on let’s go get our suitcases! I wanna see our room!” I couldn’t hold in my excitement anymore, even though Sara was still waking up and sleepy from her long nap.

I rushed up to the check-in desk, admiring the striking lobby and how shiny the floors were. Ted and Jasper followed behind Sara and I and I waited for them to catch up before speaking to the clerk.

“Hi! We’re just checking in. The rooms should be under Quin.”

The clerk smiled and welcomed us, checking back to his computer to pull up the information. “Sara Quin? For two nights, correct?”

“Yep, should be for two rooms,” I said.

Sara interrupted me, “Actually. Um, there’s three.”

Mouth dropped and breath gasped, I looked over to her and my heart sank.  _What? I’m not staying with her? I thought everything was okay between us?_  I wanted to enjoy Paris with her and enjoy our night back together. I wanted to hold her while she went to sleep like we used to.  _Why can’t she just tell me what is going on?_  I don’t know how much longer I can be without her.

“Here you are, enjoy your stay here. Thank you, merci beaucoup,” the clerk beamed at us with his French accent and handed us four keys to three rooms. We weren’t even on the same floor with each other.

Jasper and Ted were on the West end and Sara and I were on the East of the hotel. This was a huge hotel. Sara walked with me to my room since we would be taking the same elevator to get to our rooms; I was a few floors above her. Sara was quiet and I had to speak out my hurt feelings.

“I thought we were okay, Sare? Don’t you still love me? I thought you said you forgave me?” I broke the silence as we stepped into the elevator, weakness and torture in my voice and dying for more answers than I gave questions.

“I forgive you, Tee, but that doesn’t mean I can forget about it. It just happened yesterday. It hurts so much to know she was with you in our room.”

I sighed out, disappointed for my stupid and unthoughtful actions last night; I regretted them before I even made them. “Sara,” I breathed, letting out tears, “I’m  _so_  sorry.”

Sara closed her eyes and shook her head, “I don’t know what else to say, Tee.”

“I’m never talking to her again,” I promised her.

“What if she does the same thing tonight and you don’t want to sleep alone?” She opened her eyes again and questioned me, seriousness and hurt in her deep brown depths.

“It’s not going to happen again, my bed won’t be slept in until you decide to come back to me.”  _Which I hope is soon._

The elevator bell chimed as the doors opened and Sara put her hand on her suitcase, “Show me I can trust you again. Goodbye, Tee.” The doors closed behind her and that was the sudden end of our conversation. No offer for me to come to her room. Nothing.

Tears filled my eyes and ran down my face as the doors opened again to my floor. I can’t believe I did this to us; Lindsey didn’t give a fuck about me anyways. I knew she didn’t love me, I didn’t believe a word she said that night. I should have sent her out when she came; she was just trying to make Sara jealous and ruin us. I slid in my key, looking into my empty room, left alone to venture and check out the new space.

Mission accomplished, Lindsey.

I put my suitcase to the side and unpacked my laptop. I kept my guitar in hand and took it to my new king size bed, which was a lot bigger now without her. I grabbed the box of tissues by my night table and sat it next to me. I opened up the notepad on my MacBook and wrote lyrics for the song I was writing for Sara; if I couldn’t get her off my mind I might as well write a song about it.

I poured my heart out as I wrote and played. A box of tissues later, it was about finished and I played it over to myself again and again until it was perfected. It’s been a solid four hours of playing, so I decided I would take a break and set my guitar down for the night. My emotions were running high tonight.

I logged onto my Skype and I immediately saw that Sara was online. Sigh. I want to call her so bad; I wonder what she’s doing right now. I wonder if she’s as heartbroken as I am tonight. I hope she’s thinking of me, too.

Video call.

It was a natural instinct, I didn’t think twice until I actually did it. My heart started racing and stomach twisting as I waited for her to accept.  _Did I look okay?_  Oh, God I hope it wasn’t obvious I’ve been crying. Ringing. My palms were sweating now. Ringing. I sucked in my labret and bit my lip.

I looked to my screen as I sat by the headboard of my bed against the plethora of huge, fancy pillows. Her soft bangs were swept to the side, cheeks rosy, lips reddish pink and wearing a stripey, relatively low-cut shirt. I was breathless as I watched her face.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Sara smiled at me, staring at her camera and waiting for me to speak.

“Hi.”  _Fuck, I’m such an idiot._ “How’s your night so far?”

Sara let out a small giggle, looking down and then back up to me. “Why don’t we start with a less complicated question?”

“Okay,” I smiled and pursed my lips. “I’m not alone then.”

“You never are.” Her mouth was serious, but eyes smiling.

“Yeah, I guess I should know that,” she was making me nervous now as I looked down and scratched my neck. “So. Um, what were you doing before I called you?”

Sara innocently and childishly laughed again, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

She made me blush, butterflies jutting in my stomach with the way she looked at me, so teasingly. “Yes I would, actually.”

“It’s none of your business,” she teased and smiled at me alluringly and playfully. “What were _you_  doing?”

“Well since you asked so nicely,” I aimed the camera to the guitar beside me. “I was writing.”

“Oh,” she exposed her teeth in a smile and her eyes lit up, “will I get to hear it?”

“If you’re nice to me,” I kidded and leaned back on the headboard, trying to irritate her as I typically did. “Then maybe.”

“I’m always nice to you,” she went along with my joking.

“Then why don’t you come visit me? Come on, we’re in Paris, Sare. Why are you doing this to me?” I continued to joke but sounded more serious than I had wanted.

“I’m not that nice.”

“I could have told you that,” I watched her laugh at my remark as I took a deep breath and bit my lip. “Do you know that I miss you?”

Sara brushed her finger against and between her lips, trying to hold in a smile but I could see it in her cheeks. “Mhm.”

“Do you know that I love you?”

“Yes.” She kept her smile hidden from me and got distracted, “Is that your phone?”

I snapped out of my gaze on Sara’s pretty face and took a listening to my ringing phone in the background. “It’s Emy. Do you want me to…call you back…Or?” I was the one leading the conversation and she was taking advantage of the fact that she knew how much I missed her. I was the one wanting more and asking the questions.

“Okay,” she kept her delicate smile at me through the camera.

“Okay. Um, if I don’t talk to you later; sweet dreams. I really love you so much, Sara.”

“Okay,” Sara breathed, cute expression on her face that I barely noticed for the first time she didn’t reciprocate it.  _Did she not love me?_

She ended the call and I answered my cell phone. “Hey, Emy!” I tried to ignore Sara’s unrequited love for me at the moment since I hadn’t spoken to Emy in what felt like a lifetime.

“Hi! Guess where I am?” She beamed through the phone.

“Um…” I decided to take a wild guess, “Paris?”

“Yes! Are you staying at La Reserve?”

“Yes, how’d you know?” I asked, curious.

“Lindsey told me. Can I come up?”

Fuck, “Yeah, we’re going to have to talk about Lindsey. Please don’t talk to her anymore.” She could hear the seriousness in my voice now.

“Oh,” she paused. “Okay, Tegan. I’ll see you soon. I hope everything’s okay.”

“Boy, I hope so, too. See you soon, Em.”

I sat in bed, looking through my phone at pictures of Sara and I, as I waited for Emy to come to my door. We were so happy; I wish I could make her smile like that again. We were inseparable; I hope she’ll let me hold her like that again. I replayed her giggling voice in my head along with her aggravated expressions when I playfully taunted her and made her cheeks redden. The touch of her shaking hand squeezing mine when she had too much, body collapsing and shuddering from an orgasms I gave her.

God, I missed her so much.

I was taken back to reality with a knock on my door. I locked my phone screen and got up from my empty bed.

“Hey!” Emy pulled me into a hug as soon as I opened the door for her. “I’ve missed you so much! It’s been forever!”

I waved her into the room and sat next to her on the L shaped couch. “I know,” I smiled back at her, “It’s been too long.”

“How’s touring been?”

“Good.” I paused, thinking how it really hasn’t been; “We had a show the other night in Verona. We just got here, our next one is tomorrow night.”

“That’s great, Tegan,” she looked at me, beaming with her wide-mouthed smile. “So. Lindsey?”

“Yeah, I don’t really want to get into it; just know that she’s a backstabbing bitch,” I tried to sum up in short, anger filling my veins.

“I need more than that, Tegan! What did she do?”

I adjusted myself on the couch to face her, having a serious conversation now. “Emy,” I paused, breathing out and trying to sum this up to my best ability, “she got engaged to this guy while we were together. A  _guy!_  Lindsey’s not fucking straight; he’s filthy rich and she was cheating on him with me. I thought she came to Verona to surprise me, but she was staying with him. Can you believe it?” I paused again, wondering if I should continue with more details, but Emy and I told each other everything. Well, almost.

“Then a few days later, she saw me at the bar and she put a drug in my drink. She brought me to her room and had sex with me, even after I told her I hated her. She raped me, Emy. She’s such a fucking asshole!” I was yelling now, furious.

Emy was taken aback by my story and I can tell by her startled expression that she was speechless. She grabbed my shoulders and looked into my disconcerted depths, “Are you…okay? You’re barely flinching at this!”

“Yeah. It’s been a rough week; I’ll give you that. I guess you can say I’m immune to all this crap now. Just,  _please_ don’t talk to her. She’s bad news; she’s trying to get back with me, but she’s full of shit.”

“Of course, I’m so sorry she ended up being that kind of person. She wasn’t good for you then. You deserve someone with a big heart like you, Tee. You know Sara never really liked her too much,” Emy brought up Sara’s name, reminding me of our Skype call just a while ago—not to mention her questionable love for me.

“Yeah, guess I should have listened to her, huh?” I muttered quietly.

“Lindsey told me that Stacy and her broke up,” Emy continued talking about Sara as she mentioned her conversation with Lindsey.

“Yeah, a little after Lindsey and I.” I tried to sound nonchalant about it being in the same time frame so that she wouldn’t put two and two together. I didn’t want more people to know about us right now, especially when our relationship is broken and nonexistent.

“Why?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” I lied, “Sara just didn’t think she was the one like she once thought.”

“Really, eh?” Emy sounded concerned somewhat, “Hey, is she not here?”

“No. She decided to get her own room this time.

“That’s strange of her, you sure she’s okay and everything?” Emy went on, questioning Sara’s feelings and hinting that maybe she wasn’t over Stacy.  _Trust me, Emy. She’s over her._

“Oh yeah, she’s fine,” I assured her.

Emy was quiet for a bit, looking like she was finding the courage to tell me something. After being distracted by the well-furnished room, she looked back up to me. “Hey, Tegan. Can I trust you with something?”

“Course, Em,” I gave her a friendly smile. We literally told each other everything. The obvious one was the only exception.

“I can’t get my thoughts off of this,” Emy started hesitantly and reluctantly. “I’m still in love with Sara.”

I felt my heartbeat stop as she said those words. They had a thing once sure, and for four or five years I get that, but Sara and her weren’t right for each other. They wanted different things and Sara grew out of love with her.  _You can’t love Sara; she’s mine. You can’t have her._ “Oh yeah?” My quiet voice cracked and I couldn’t have voiced a more awkward response.

“You think I should tell her, now that she’s not with Stacy anymore?”

“Um, well,” She caught me off guard and I didn’t know what to say. If I said  _no_  she would ask me why and I suck at lying. And she’s  _not_  finding out the truth. If I said  _yes_  then I would be giving Sara to her. For all I know, Sara would never forget about what I did last night and may never love me monogamously and wholeheartedly ever again. After all, I still don’t know why she doesn’t want to be with me. I went on, “Her breakup with Stacy might still be really fresh, perhaps.”  _Perhaps? What the fuck?_   _Don’t be awkward; be normal._ I muttered in my thoughts.

“But I thought you said Sara broke up with  _her_?” Emy corrected me and rationalized why she should talk to her.

“Yeah. She did,” my voice was shaky now. I didn’t want her to do that.

“I’m sure she’s fine, then,” Emy went on with her reasoning as to why she should confess her love for her, again.

I got quiet as I quickly and forcibly looked at my folded hands on my lap, “Mhm. Yeah. I’m sure she is.” I guess I wasn’t lying there.

“Where is she?” She questioned, looking ready to leave.  _Ugh, she’s gonna do it. Could my heart break any further than this? Can I rip this thing out of my chest cavity yet?_  It’s empty anyways.

“Just a few floors below me. Same room number, different floor,” I spoke in a monotone. When Emy had her mind on something, she didn’t notice anyone else’s feelings. I guess that’s a blessing and a curse right now.

Emy got up and had a determined smile on her face; she was barely ever shy and always forward with her feelings. Sara and her have always been really close, even after their breakup. “Wish me luck; I’m gonna go talk to her.”

Emy gave me a hug after she stood up from the couch, warm and sincere. I needed that hug, regardless of her intentions of leaving to talk to Sara to reveal her love. Emy wished me a warm goodbye and I didn’t wish her luck. I was quiet and just gave her a smile as she left. I shut the door as I watched her walk down the hallway for her to go see Sara.

 _Could things get any worse right now?_  I went back to my MacBook to see if Sara was still online. She was. Without thinking again, I clicked the green call button and let it ring until she picked up. Heart racing now—yet again.

“Hi,” Sara smiled sweetly and lovingly as she accepted my call almost immediately. She was so beautiful,  _was she trying to tease me with her short responses and lack of affection?_

“Hey. You’re still up. Emy’s coming to visit you.” I blurted out in pieces, sounding a little bit more urgent than I should have lead on.

“Oh, okay.” Sara was happy at my words, “it’s been a while since I’ve seen her.”

“Yeah,” I responded shortly. Silence filled the video call as she just looked at me, not talking. I took in a deep breath and thought about how I could possibly lose her tonight.  _What if she did love Emy, too? What if our relationship really was too hard for her like she said, and Emy was easier to love? What if the time was right for them to fall back in love with each other?_

My mind and my heart are driving me insane.

“Hey, Sare.” I paused, taking in all of the quiet as my heart felt like it was screaming out, “Can I ask you a serious question, no playing around?”

Sara let out another giggle, tormenting me and clearly not acknowledging my serious, vital tone. She looked like she was still trying to tease me with that smirk she had on her face as she tried to hide it with her finger resting on her mouth. She just looked sexier when she did that.

“Yes.”

“Do you love me?”

Sara put a thinking expression on her face and continued to not take this conversation seriously. Emy was going to be at her door any minute now. “Please, baby!” I yelled, startling her by accident; possibly by my urgency or my unintentional term of endearment. “It’s all I have to get me through tonight, I just need to know the truth.”

Sara turned serious now at the desperation in my tone, “Yes. Yes I do love you. So much, Tee. You’re my baby.”

A smile grew on my face and butterflies in my stomach at the sincerity in her words. “Okay. That’s all I wanted to know.”

“Sleep tight, sweet dreams,” Sara said to me as she hugged her knees into her chest. “I love you. I shouldn’t even have to tell you. I told you to never forget that.”

“I know. I love you more. I miss you.” I spoke the final words while Sara sweetly and shyly blew me a kiss through the cloud and she made me blush as I ended the call.

Now all I can do is hope that Sara will still be mine tomorrow and that everything really is going to be okay in the morning.


	33. Clouds

**Sara**

I felt a little harsh leaving Tegan so suddenly at the elevator, letting the door slam on her face like that. Even though I feel like it was my fault that her slept with Lindsey, I didn’t want to let her off the hook so easily. My heart was so broken by it;  _how could she love me and sleep with her?_

 

I couldn’t understand, but I could feel in my heart that she still did love me. I truly knew that she did. I felt it in my heart and I had forgiven her entirely. I just needed a little more time and space to clear my head, and honestly she needed some time for herself to think about what she did and how much hurt she caused me.

 

It’s not like I could be with her anyway if I wanted; I was terrified and victimized by Lindsey’s ultimatum. I felt that if Tegan and I did get back together, she would some strange way of knowing because she is just so conniving and manipulative and calculating.

 

I rolled my suitcase down the hallway, finding my door and pulled out my room key from my pocket. This room was more jaw dropping than the last, and unfortunately it was just me to see it. Without Tegan. I set my suitcase down and took out my MacBook in case anyone needed me. Searching for it I also found my sleek, purple vibrator; I needed a release right now. I didn’t want to give in and see Tegan; I missed her, more than just emotionally right now.

 

I took myself over to the huge, well-made bed and let my head fall onto the fluffy pillows. It was so comfy. I dimmed the lights and closed the blackout shades with the push of a button, slipping off my shirt and bra, then my leggings. My heart was racing fast now as I turned the toy onto a lower setting; I brushed the vibrating tip against the bud of my nipple and my body jerked, breath hitched. The pulsating beats shot through my core, causing the arch of my back to jolt up from the bed.

 

“Mmm,” I let a moan escape from my lips as I let my imagination run wild, inching the vibrator to my other nipple now. Moving it slowly down between my hips and underneath my underwear, I continued to tease myself before I could let myself feel pleasure. My breaths became heavier as I let myself wait until adding pressure from the toy to where I wanted it most.

 

I could feel my arousal soaking my panties now so I rustled them off of my hips. I took in a sharp breath, parting my lips with my fingers and holding the vibrations against my aching clit. I closed my eyes, opening my mouth and grinding my hips harder up against the toy. My thoughts were on Tegan as I imagined her between my legs, rolling her soft, warm tongue along my pussy until I couldn’t handle any more.

 

My head jerked up against the headboard when I raised the speed of the vibrations and let out a loud whimper. As much as I wanted the real thing right now, I couldn’t give in; I had to do with my figments of Tegan. And that’s exactly what I did; she was between my legs lapping small circles against my clit, asking if she could go harder as I begged her to stop.

 

“Oh fuck, Tegan!” I muttered from my mouth, playing victim as I thumped the vibrator harder against my swollen clit. Nothing exhilarated me more than dominance and masochism and acting as if I didn’t want it. Tegan knew that about me, after getting more comfortable each time we had sex she discovered my sexual fantasies rather quick.

 

She also knew it embarrassed me to talk about because I would often get so lost in the moment in the bedroom or so comfortable with her in that moment that I don’t realize what I’m doing or saying. It’s like I’m drunk on her sex I suppose you could say. She loved making me uncomfortable just as much as I loved begging her to make love to me; in the end she knows how to get a rise out of me and make me blush, and I know how to get her to give in to me.

 

I could tell that one of the things she loved so much about me is that I am so sweet and sensitive and delicate but in bed I was a little fucked up and kinky; it was a really big turn on for her and I could see it in her eyes as she watched me take whatever she was doing to me.

 

My skin began to prickle as I bit back a tortured moan, “Oh, Tee, don’t do this to me.” My body was shaking now and almost in pain from not giving in to my orgasms. “Please, I’ll be good I promise.” I went on with the discourse in my twisted thoughts just like this whole romance between us started. Mouthing her name between my lips made me miss her touch on me, I needed to let myself come soon so my desire for her would diminish at least for the night.

 

“Tegan!” I grunted hard as my body was about to be pushed over the edge, “Please stop! Oh fuck! You’re gonna make me come!” My body started to tremor as my pussy convulsed against my unsteady hand. I pushed the toy inside me for a quick moment and felt my stomach clench at the pleasure I caused myself. “Oh! Oh!” I sobbed uncontrollably as I squeezed my nipples hard as my climax was in reach.

 

Pressing the vibrator desperately back onto my pulsating clit, I grew frantic and felt myself breaking a sweat with my bangs matted to my forehead now. I tried to press my lips together and hold in a tortured scream; I concealed my orgasm until it hurt and I couldn’t hold it any longer. “Tee, I’m gonna, I’m gonna! I can’t handle it! Oh fuck! Fuck me so hard, baby!”

 

My vision turned to seeing stars and faded to black as my body dissolved into pleasure and twitched harder against the headboard. I licked my lips and touched myself delicately, riding out my orgasm as my feet tensed and flexed from what I had just done. I stretched out my body and took the toy off from my now overly sensitive, throbbing clit. I jumped at the sound of my MacBook, cluing in that I was getting a Skype video call.

 

Oh, Tegan.  _Where were you when I was fucking myself to you just now?_

 

I let the phone ring for two reasons: playing hard to get and scrambling to find my clothes. I looked into the webcam and fixed my hair, trying to even out the rosiness in my cheeks and calm down the swelling in my lips from biting them so hard at the thought of Tegan’s on me.

 

Accept.

 

I looked at Tegan with a smile that I couldn’t hide, waiting for her to speak. Seeing her beautiful face made me realize that I missed her so much more, and she was only a few floors away from me. I was seriously cursing Lindsey’s name right now.

 

“Hi,” she sounded nervous, probably feeling silly that she called. It was really cute to watch her stammer like that; usually it was me who got that way between the two of us.

 

“Hi,” I tried to keep short with her, punishing her for what she had done in my own little way. It made me feel better since I let her off the hook so easily, but probably wasn’t teaching her much of a lesson. It just made me feel better.

 

“Hi.” Tegan repeated her words a second time, causing me to giggle at her discomfort. Yep, she was very adorable when she was nervous. I loved seeing this rare side of her. She is so confident and sure of herself with me. She tried to cover up her embarrassment and went on, “How’s your night so far?”

 

“Why don’t we start with a less complicated question?” I smiled up at her sweet face, trying to calm her down and make it known that she wasn’t the only one with the obvious on her mind.

 

“Okay, I’m not alone then,” she was looking a little more at ease now.

 

“You never are.” I watched a smile grow on her face at my words. I want to be with her so much right now.

 

“Yeah, I guess I should know that. So. Um, what were you doing before I called you?”

 

I blushed at the thought of what I had just been doing.  _Oh, I was just masturbating to you and screaming your name on my breath because I miss your touch more than anything else right now, baby._  “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

 

“Yes I would, actually,” Tegan shot me a cute smile as if we were playing along with a joke now. I’m so glad she called me. I miss her so much more than what masturbating to her could fix.

 

“It’s none of your business,” I continued to keep the fact that I was pleasuring myself private and moved the conversation to her. “What were _you_  doing?” I asked in a playful, light-hearted tone.

 

“Well since you asked so nicely, I was writing.”  _I wonder if she was writing about us?_  Tegan loved to write about love and heartbreak more than anything, hopefully she would write a love song for us. Maybe one day.

 

“Oh.” Regardless of love or heartbreak, I couldn’t help but think that she was writing about me. It made me happy that there was a possibility that I was on her mind enough for her to put it in words and pour out her emotions. “Will I get to hear it?”

 

“If you’re nice to me, then maybe.” She teased. _Oh, Tegan, I’m so in love with you._  I missed her teasing me, her laughter, her everything.

 

“I’m always nice to you,” I said in a serious voice, trying not to giggle even though I couldn’t help myself. I was always so giddy around her.

 

“Then why don’t you come visit me? Come on, we’re in Paris, Sare. Why are you doing this to me?”

 

 _I don’t know, Tee. I miss you, baby. I miss you and it hurts, but so does what you did last night._  “I’m not that nice.” Not to mention the ultimatum; I couldn’t help but think Lindsey was here in this hotel and knew our every move. It was possible.

 

“I could have told you that,” I couldn’t help but laugh again and swoon hard as she bit her lip. That drove me wild, it was sexy and cute at the same time and I couldn’t understand how. “Do you know that I miss you?”

 

I didn’t want her to see the smile that just grew huge on my face as she confessed that, so I covered my mouth with my hands. “Mhm.”

 

“Do you know that I love you?” She went on. _Okay, my knees are a little weak now._  I felt breathless.

 

“Yes,” I had to keep my hand overtop of my beaming face. A ringing from my computer distracted me from my thoughts, “Is that your phone?”

 

I watched Tegan as she grabbed her phone and check her call.  _Please don’t be Lindsey_.  _Please don’t be Lindsey_. “It’s Emy. Do you want me to…call you back…Or?”

 

“Okay,” I smiled at her, so happy that it wasn’t Lindsey. I didn’t want to hear about her anymore.

 

“Okay. Um, if I don’t talk to you later; sweet dreams. I really love you so much, Sara.”

 

“Okay,” I was breathless again. She really knew how to get me.

 

\--

 

Tegan just Skyped me again to tell me that Emy was on her way to see me. I was so excited to see her since she never got to come to our going-away party that essentially ended up being Stacy, Lindsey, Tegan and I. Wow; that was only two weeks ago. Time and love changes everything.

 

I wondered why Tegan was so anxious on Skype, though. She looked really worried and convinced that I didn’t love her; I’ve never seen her need so much reassurance in her life. Maybe I’ve given her enough punishment, I should probably go see her soon and give her some piece of mind.

 

If it weren’t for Lindsey.

 

There was a knock on the door and I knew it was Emy. I ran to the door and opened it with a big smile on my face, “Emy!”

 

“Hello, beautiful!” She invited me in for a warm hug, longer than usual I might add. It’s been a while.

 

“You don’t look very surprised, did you know I was coming?” She asked with a beaming face.

 

“Yeah, Tegan told me just now,” I answered, shutting the door behind her and grabbing a glass of water for her. I hopped onto the bed and gave room for her to sit beside me; before she came in I made my bed again after I masturbated, feeling somewhat bad to let her sit there. We were together once, whatever.

 

“Oh,” she lingered the word in a suggestive, upbeat tone, throwing me off a little.  _What did she mean by that?_ Maybe that had to do with why Tegan was so urgent; maybe something she wasn’t telling me.

 

“I’m not sure I am missing something with the chipper in your voice right now,” I said, giggling. I’m sure it was really nothing serious, Tegan would definitely not tell Emy or anything. Ha! That would be something else.

 

“Oh nothing,” she brushed her thigh against mine as she turned to face me. “I just went to see her before I saw you. Funny that you guys aren’t rooming together like usual. So what’s new, Sare?”

 

“Yeah,” I laughed quietly. “Just wanted some space this tour, I guess. Well, maybe Tegan already told you that Stacy and I aren’t together anymore?”

 

“Yeah she did. I’m really sorry to hear that.” Emy comforted me with the stroke of her hand on my upper arm, “Are you okay?”

 

I paused for a second, thinking about the fact that I was, but for the other obvious reason as to why I wasn’t. “Well, yeah, I am. It was my decision; she didn’t really take it well and didn’t really deserve that, is all.”

 

“She loved you a lot,” Emy assured me as she kept her hand brushing my shoulder. “Were you not happy anymore?”

 

I took in a deep breath and let out a deep sigh, “I love her Emy; I still do. I really do. She just wasn’t the one for me; I couldn’t have loved her as much as she needed. And she did really loved me, I couldn’t accept her love knowing that I couldn’t love her as much as she loved me.”

 

Emy nodded her hear, “I understand. That’s really hard, but that’s good you are handling it well, Sare.”

 

“Yeah, Tegan’s been good company through it,” I equivocated, giggling somewhat on the inside.

 

“She told me about Lindsey, too,” Emy added.

 

“Mhm, poor Tegan right? Lindsey’s a total bitch.”

 

“Well at least she’s done with that toxic relationship. I’m sure it’s not easy what you both are going through,” she sympathized.

 

“There’s been ups and downs this past week, for sure,” I looked to her and smiled, “but everything is going to be okay.”

 

“You’re so optimistic, I love that about you.” She complimented me as her deep brown depths met mine, “Why are the lights so dim, Sare?”

 

“The lights? Oh, uh—” my mind drew a blank; all I could do was think about how I was pleasuring myself to my sister. I cleared my throat awkwardly and let the first thing slip out of my mouth, “I honestly have no idea.”  _Wow. Could you have sounded anymore fucking obvious, Sara?_

Emy laughed as I felt her increased the pressure of her body against mine as she sat next to me, “Looks like you were about to have a romantic night or something.”

 

I let out an awkward giggle and went along, “Yeah, just a romantic night alone. With myself.”  _Wow._

 

“I have to say it, but I think you look really pretty in this light,” she looked away now as she boldly flattered me again.

 

“Thank you?” My voice raised a pitch as a confused smirk grew on my face, brows furrowing and meeting my eyes to Emy’s blushing expression. I’m sure that statement made me blush a little, too. I wasn’t expecting that at all from her.

 

“You’re welcome, I just had to get that off my chest.” Emy smiled.

 

My heart started to race a little faster at her sweet words as she started to seem a little nervous about something.  _Was she hitting on me?_  I looked to her parted lips as she breathed and then to her intense eyes as we locked gazes, waiting for the silence to be filled.

 

“So, I came here to tell you something,” she mustered up the courage, but I wasn’t exactly sure what for. I felt the aura in the room change from light-hearted to ardent as silence filled the air again.

 

I swallowed hard before I spoke, “What is it, Em?”

 

Emy took a deep breath as her eyes shot down to the huge bed, looking back up to me as she fixed my hair and combed it back behind my ear. “I’ve missed you,  _a lot_  lately. We had a lot of fun together and we could just be ourselves. You know, getting to tour with you and Tegan, all the laughs and good times on the road and at your house. I know we said the timing just wasn’t right and that’s why it didn’t work.”

 

I listened to her pouring her heart out for me to see as she moved her hands from my hair to my face and waited for her to continue. Not going to lie, I was a little dazed right now; I should have picked up on what she was going to say next, but my body was still prickling and mind occupied at the thought of Tegan that I didn’t clue in. I didn’t realize she meant she missed me on a romantic level until she said the next thing.

 

“And I was thinking, what if the timing is right now? We’re older, more mature now; we still get along so well even when we haven’t spoken in months. It’s like, nothing changes, you know? What I’m trying to say is,” Emy took a deep breath again as she cupped my jaw in her hand, “I’m still so in love with you, Sare.”

 

Adrenaline rushed through my stomach at her words and I stood still like a deer in the headlights. I didn’t know how to respond or what to say, I kept my gaze on her, eyes slightly glazed over from my other thoughts.

 

“Even if you don’t feel the same way now, I know you did once. I want to try this again with you; maybe you do, too.” I kept hearing her words but I wasn’t listening; I was wishing Tegan were here right now saying the same exact thing to me.

 

Emy leaned in closer than she already was before, finally distracting me from my thoughts and taking me back to reality. Where Emy had just confessed her love for me that never went away. I didn’t notice that I was looking back into her eyes just as she closed them and inched her mouth next to mine. I panicked. I was about to be a hypocrite about punishing Tegan for cheating on me.

 

Just as Emy took my face in both of her hands and had her lips just inching away from meeting mine, I let out a sniffle and Emy flicked her eyes back open. I felt a tear run down my hot cheeks and hit her thumb as she caressed me, wiping it away.

 

“I’m sorry,” I let out a whimper now, tears streaming down my face and Emy was taken aback and stunned by my crying expression. I let the words slip off of my lips like silk. “You’re not her.”

 

Emy backed off from my face and became worried, “Who, Sare? Why are you crying? I thought you said Stacy wasn’t the one.”

 

“She isn’t,” I reassured her as I wiped away my uncontrollable tears while they continued to come more.

 

“Then what’s wrong?” She asked again as she kept her body turned to me, putting her left hand on my thigh and right on my lower back. “Who’s her?”

 

I bawled harder and bowed my head down against Emy’s face, choking on broken sobs. She caressed my cheek and pushed my hair back, “Sara,” she breathed. “Talk to me. You found someone?”

 

Perfect timing, Tegan texted me. Her message alerted a buzz through the room and I watched her name light up my screen. Without saying a word, I showed my phone to her while Tegan’s name was still on it. Call me naïve, but I put a heart next to her name in my phone after our first time.

 

I was head over heals and infatuated with her.

 

Emy didn’t say anything, but her expression said a million words. Her eyes narrowed and brows furrowed, tongue resting on her lower lip in perplexity. “Say something, Emy,” I cried as I admitted my love for Tegan to someone new.

 

“You’re…in  _love_ …with… _Tegan?_ ”

 

I pursed my lips together hard in attempt to keep from any more tears coming as I closed my eyes and nodded painfully.

 

Emy was shocked to say the least, “Does she know?”

 

“Yes,” I sobbed, “I’m so sorry, Emy.”

 

“What does she think?” Emy was going to be okay, she was more curious about my tragic love story with Tegan. Despite the fact that she flinched a little, she kept brushing my lower back to comfort me as I cried.

 

“She loves me, too.”

 

“Oh my God,” Emy threw her hand over her mouth as she inhaled sharp. “That’s why you’re not with Stacy,” she started putting the pieces together. “That’s why she’s not with Lindsey.”

 

“Mhm,” I whimpered as I rested against Emy’s comforting hand. She was a toss between trying not to freak out but also trying to be there for me like she always is.

 

Emy took a minute to gather her thoughts and the fact that her love for me wasn’t going to escalade into anything any time soon. She took a deep breath, “So then…why the tears? Why aren’t you two sharing a room?”

 

“Because Lindsey’s a monster.” Emy took her hand to my shoulder now, “she’s threatening to tell people if I don’t get them back together. She stole photos of us from Tegan’s phone. I know she’ll do it, I don’t doubt her for a second that she will.”

 

“Sare, it’s okay. Come here,” Emy pulled me into a friendly hug onto her lap. I needed a hug right now; I was scared. Terrified.

 

“Emy, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

It was about midnight now and Emy had been comforting me for almost an hour. I felt horrible that I completely ignored her confessing her love for me and changed the conversation to my love for Tegan. I can’t believe I revealed that to her right now, I must have been going delusional. She told me not to worry and that she just wanted me to know, in case I wanted to try at a relationship with her again.

 

I would have if I didn’t fall hopelessly for Tegan, but I did and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

For the third time tonight, I rushed onto my Skype, hoping to see Tegan online and not yet asleep. It’s been about two hours since I had last spoken to her. I pressed the video call button and was anxious for an answer.

 

_Please, Tegan._

 

It rang for what felt like a minute and my heart was about to sink, until she accepted the call and I watched her turn on her lights. Her face looked glistening and like it had been wet from crying, but also as if she had fallen asleep.

 

“Hello?” Tegan was definitely just waking up as she wiped the sleep from her eyes and shot her glance back up to my screen. “Sara, what’s wrong?” Her tone was urgent now as she saw my broken expression and crying face.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me Emy was going to tell me that she loved me?”

 

“I’m sorry, Sare,” Tegan rasped an apology, begging for my forgiveness. “I was worried you were going to be in love with her, too.”

 

“What?” I cried hard at what she had said to me, “Why would you think that, Tee?”

 

“You didn’t tell me you loved me,” I’ve never heard Tegan sound so distant and hurt by something I didn’t say.

 

“Don’t you  _know_  that I love you more than anything? You mean everything to me, baby.” I choked on my sobs again as I tried to prove my love to her through the cloud.

 

“Then why am I not with you right now, Sara? What’s wrong with us being together?” Her questions hit me like bricks; I couldn’t give her answers for fear of Lindsey knowing I told her.

 

“That’s a complicated question, Tee; it’s not that simple.” She watched me through the screen as I suffered an internal battle of the ultimatum and that I had probably hurt Emy more than I would ever know, breaking down the longer I looked at her.

 

“Sare, I can’t look at you like this, baby. You’re not well; I’m not letting you go to bed alone like this right now. I just want to hold you, baby. Why can’t I be with you?”

 

“Please stop, Tee.”

 

“Don’t you miss me, Sare?”

 

I closed my eyes and thought about that question. She was crazy if she didn’t know the answer. I let another tear slip from my wounded eyes, “Yes.”

 

“That’s it, Sare. That’s all I needed to hear.” I watched through the screen as Tegan grabbed her cell phone and jacket, “I’m coming.”

 

Call ended.


	34. Ordeal

 

**Tegan**

I snapped my MacBook shut before giving Sara the option to refuse me from coming over. I didn’t care anymore whatever it was that was keeping us from being together. If she loves me, that’s all I needed to know. That was enough for me to leave my room and go to hers and just be with her and to hold her. Whatever she was dealing with right now, she clearly wasn’t able to deal with it and she needed me,

I could hear my phone vibrating in my back pocket and as I expected it was Sara. I declined her call; I didn’t care that I couldn’t see her or be with her. I was going to anyway. I slipped my feet into my flip-flops and went straight for the door, letting it slam behind me as I left.

The elevator was too slow; I took the stairs and ran down to her floor as fast as I could. The hallway walls were a blur as I passed them to get to her door. I knocked on the door with urgency in hopes that she would come faster; I wasn’t going to leave, so her only option was to answer.

I heard her footsteps pacing to the door, sounding cautious as I slowly watched the handle turn. I looked at her broken, worried face as she opened the door to me, body still. There were so many things I wanted to do in that moment—I wanted to wipe her tears away, I wanted to hold her, I wanted to kiss her. I didn’t want her to hurt like this anymore and I wanted to be the one to take away her pain.

“Hi, Tegan.” Sara whispered under her breath with her hands at her sides, defenseless and retreating in her battle to send me away; she was nervous and scared and I didn’t know why.

Before I could process my thoughts and stop myself, I stepped towards her and pulled her face to mine as the door closed behind us. I could hear the worry in her unsteady breaths and in her eyes as I caressed my hands to her cheeks. I missed touching her like this and the air was knocked out from my chest as I did. I breathed in her air to catch my breath, still smitten by her beauty.

I took a good, long look in her deep brown, shattered depths as I ran my fingers through her hair. I waited for her to close her eyes as I slowly inched my face closer to hers, but her fear wouldn’t allow her.

“Close your eyes, baby. We’re alone; you have nothing to worry about. It’s okay.”

Sara hesitantly listened to me as she did what I asked, stroking her lower lip hard against my thumb. Without losing our physical contact, I pressed her shaking body to the wall adjacent to us and she sounded like she had lost her breath. I held onto her bum to lift her up as she wrapped her legs around my waist, thumping her body against the wall again.

I felt her body jerk as she straddled me, making contact with the area between her legs against me. She was overly sensitive for some reason and she let out a small whimper. I kept my other hand at her mouth and her eyes were still shut tight. I pressed her warm, soft lips against mine and took her trembling lower lip into my mouth, gently sucking on it.

This was one of the most intense, passionate kisses I’ve ever felt with her; if we thought our love was forbidden before, for reasons I didn’t know it was more forbidden now. But we both wanted each other so badly in that moment more than anything else and that’s what hurt us both so bad.

I pressed her body harder against the wall and against me, trying my best to be gentle with her right now. I wanted to feel her as much as I could; I could never get enough, no matter how intimate it became. There was no such thing as too much with her; forever wasn’t ever going to be enough.

Breaths were caught in between kisses but never fully regained; I didn’t want to take my mouth off of hers for more than a second. I became aroused by her pleasured and tormented whimpers that she let out from our swollen lips. She had her arms wrapped so tightly around my shoulders in fear that I would let her down. I had her body pushed so hard against the wall that that wasn’t even an option.

I took my hands behind me and onto hers, loosening her grip and guiding her fingers through my hair. I directed mine down to the waist of her tights and up to her ribs, beneath her soft sweater and earning a moan from her. She still wasn’t calm but she let me go on with what I was doing. I had her body pressed up with my hands on her waist now, body shaking and warm. I could feel her skin prickling and core twitch against me as I held her body.

She grabbed onto my shoulders again as I gripped her thighs in my hands and put the weight of her body onto me and no longer against the wall. She let a shriek through our kiss and broke it, worried that I couldn’t carry her as I did. I gently nipped my teeth against her jawline as I brought her over to the bed, laying her body down on the edge.

“Hi baby,” I whispered in her ear as I got into bed with her and went over to lie down by the headboard and on the pillows. “It’s good to see you.”

“Where’s Lindsey, Tee?” Her face was still serious as I let out a giggle at my words, trying to make her at ease,

“I haven’t spoken to her since this morning,” My face turned serious like hers, “I don’t know. She could still be in Verona.”

“Can you find out?” Sara looked at me with troubled eyes, “Please?”

“Do you want me to…call her?” I asked, confused and still unsure of the cause of her worry. Sara nodded as I held her, taking my phone out of my pocket to dial Lindsey’s number.

I didn’t know why Sara wanted piece of mind as to where Lindsey was.  _Maybe she thinks I’m still sleeping with her?_  I hope she trusts me that I’m not and would never do it again. “I’ll put her on speaker, so you believe me.”

“I trust you, Tee!” Sara gripped my arm in a high-pitched shriek, tense as the phone rang now. “Don’t tell her you’re with me.”

“Okay, baby,” I whispered to her as the phone rang one more time. Sara was lying on her back and I was on my knees, resting on my ankles with my hand in hers.

“Hi, baby.” Lindsey answered in a raspy, suggestive tone as I cringed at the unwanted term of endearment.

“Hey, Lindsey. I’m just wondering…you still in Verona?”

“No, I went back home since you weren’t there anymore. You miss me already, baby?” I stared at Sara; so uncomfortable with the way Lindsey was talking to me. I winced at her words and hoped Sara trusted me that I don’t still have a thing with her.

“I told you that wasn’t going to happen again, Lindsey.”

“Is Sara with you?” Sara squeezed my hand as she shook her head at me, covering her mouth with her untouched hand so that Lindsey couldn’t hear her shaking breaths.

“No,” I gently stroked her knuckles with my thumb, “I’m not sure where she is.”

“Okay. So you called to ask me where I was?” Lindsey questioned as Sara squeezed my hand again, “Why?”

I let out an awkward, childish giggle. “I guess I just wanted a reason to call,” I made up a lie on the spot as Sara mouthed at me to just go along with her flirting.

“I’m glad you called, babe. I miss you; I’ve been thinking about you.”

I was squeezing Sara’s hand now; I didn’t want to go with it. “I…miss you, too. Hey Linds, my mom’s calling me. It might be important, I’ll talk to you later?” I obviously lied; hopefully she was too focused on ignoring my refusals to notice.

“Call me later, baby. Sweet dreams.”

“Bye,” I hated everything right now. I didn’t want to listen to Sara, but I was willing to do whatever she told me; whatever makes her feel comfortable or better right now. I checked Lindsey’s Facebook on my phone and she just posted a photo back in LA. She was telling the truth and Sara had nothing to worry about, whatever it was that she was worrying about.

I locked my phone and looked at her with serious discomfort, “She’s in LA, she’s telling the truth, Sare. Are you happy?”

Sara looked at me with sad eyes, “Why does she talk to you like that, Tee?”

“Because she doesn’t know how to take no for an answer,” I held her hands with mine as they rested on her chest. Sara started to cry again.

“Sare,” I took one of my hands and caressed her face, moving her body so that she was closer to mine. I sat up against the headboard with Sara resting her back against my chest as I hugged her tight between my legs, “She’s gone; she’s not going to bother us anymore.”

She had her hands on mine, hugging herself as I kissed her tear-stained cheeks and rested my face against hers. Sara didn’t have to cry anymore; I was here for her no matter what. I was going to hold her all night and stay up with her if that’s what she wants. I played with her fingers, bringing them up to my lips to kiss each one. “I’ve got you, Sare. Everything’s okay; together, remember?”

Sara knelt her head down to her chest, bangs covering her face. “Mhm,” she breathed out a small sob.

“Whatever it is that’s upsetting you right now, Sare, I’m with you; I’m here,” I reassured her a I tilted her head up to mine and kissing her delicate cheeks again. “I’m not going anywhere,” I kissed her on the lips, “whether you like it or not.”

Sara let out a small smile from the corner of her lips. “I know,” she breathed again. “I never doubted that for a second.”

“Come here,” I shifted her exhausted body down on the bed and let her rest on her side as I kept my arms tightly wrapped around her waist. “Is that comfortable?”

“I’m always comfortable with you,” she turned her head around to smile at me elegantly again.

“Good,” I said as she faced away from me, letting her head hit the pillow as I kissed the back of her neck. “You smell nice, I think that’s what I missed the most.”

“Mmm,” Sara hummed, “I’m just glad that you’re here with me, holding me.”

“Yeah, I missed that, too.”

I moved my hands along her sweater and underneath it to caress her ribs again, entangling my fingers at them. It felt good to have her body against mine again; losing her made me realize that I had to hold on to every moment I had with her. I couldn’t imagine that happening again; I say that optimistically because I’m hoping she’s no longer lost from me and that she is in fact mine again.

I couldn’t handle the answer and didn’t have the strength in me to ask. All I could do right now was hold her and stay in this moment as long as she let me. I took in a deep breath, taking in her smell again as I listened to her soft hums and caressed her bare skin.

Sara turned her body around and faced me, smiling at me before she kissed me. I took in the taste of her warm tongue as she massaged it against mine and let out a moan, fighting for dominance. I felt her hot breath on my face as we made out, not giving in to any breaks to take breaths. We were too inseparable for that.

Her body was so sensitive, jerking against my hands as I stroked her waist and ribs. She played with my hair and ran her fingers through it gently as I didn’t let her break the kiss. I trailed my hands out from her sweater and to the waist of her tights now, slipping them off of her so that she was more comfortable and we could be closer. I earned another writhe from her sensitive body in my arms as I accidentally rubbed her between her legs.

I slipped off my jeans after hers. I pressed my hands against Sara’s thighs onto her bum and pulled her closer into me; I just wanted to feel her warm body next to mine. We were kissing each other hard now as I flicked circles against the corners of her mouth with my tongue. I heard her breaths grow heavier and unsteady as she broke the kiss, breathing harder now.

Sara kept her trembling fingers through my hair as she lingered her lips close to mine so that I could feel her hitched gasps against my mouth. “Tee,” she looked at me serious and hard, “I love you.”

She made me smile when she told me she loved me; it was never going to get old. “I love you more, Sare.”

“I don’t think so,” I held Sara harder in my arms as she propped herself up on top of me now. I reached under my pillow to adjust my head and hit something with my hand. I pulled a smooth, high-tech vibrator out from underneath the pillow I was resting on, Sara’s scent on it and just used.

I eyed the toy and looked to her with a smirk and narrowing eyes, simultaneously and mischievously as she started to blush.

“We’re not going to talk about that,” Sara said after a pause of embarrassed silence.

I raised my eyebrows at her and giggled, “Yes we are.”

Sara directed her gaze to it as her cheeks turned redder, attempting to snatch the toy away from me. “Tegan!”

“I’ve never seen this one before, looks like a good time. Were you using this today, babe?” I teased her as I kept it out of arms reach.

“Oh my God,” she shouted as I tormented her, still refusing to let her take it from me.

“So when were you using this babe?” I still had a taunt in my expression as she gave me a snide glare.

“With Emy just now.” She answered immediately, looking me dead in the eyes. I felt my heart sink and I raised my brows and jaw dropped at what she said. I was too distracted by her words, not holding onto the vibrator as tightly now.

“You’re so gullible,” Sara snatched it out of my hand, laughing hysterically. “I’m sorry, babe.”

My mouth was still dropped open but almost turned into a smile, then to a laugh. “You’re  _such_  a bitch,” I said trying to steal the toy back from her.

“Hey, you started it,” Sara continued to giggle as I had her body pinned down to the bed as I was over top of her and grabbed the toy.

“So tell me,” I looked at her and brushed back her bangs from her forehead. “When were you  _actually_  using this?”

Sara gave me a death stare again and let out a half-smile. “It’s  _none_  of your business,” she said as she stole it back from me teasingly.

“Funny,” I started as I gave her a soft kiss on her cheek, “that’s what you said when I asked what you were doing on Skype a few hours ago. I was wondering why you looked so flustered; you’re so cute, babe.”

She went shy and quiet, clenching her teeth and taking a deep breath, looking to me and then looking away as her face turned rosier.

“You touch yourself a lot, eh Sare? I bet you thought about me,” I whispered in her ear, taunting her again as I raised my eyebrows. “You know you can always just knock on my door if you miss me, you know?”

Sara looked back to me with an upset look in her eyes, like I had said something wrong. She stared at me as if she were about to shed tears.

“You weren’t ever gonna come visit me, were you?” I asked as Sara shook her head slowly in response, eyes avoiding mine now.

“Sare,” I breathed softly and sadly, cupping her face in my hand as I stayed overtop of her. “Are you ever going to tell me what’s going on? Why can’t we just be together? We’re so happy when we’re around each other; why are you making this so hard?”

I caught Sara’s tears with my fingers and kisses just as she started to cry quietly again, pursing her lips together trying to fight back her sobs. I took a deep breath and it started to make me sad; I wondered if we were ever going to be together again.

“Please,” I whispered, caressing her soft skin as I choked on a sob, blinking a fallen tear to her cheek.

“I can’t.”

I looked at Sara, focusing on every detail about her face. “But I miss you, Sare.”

Sara closed her eyes just as she shed more tears and lost the rhythm of steady breaths, “I miss you, too.”

I pressed my body up off of her, lying by her side back on the bed now to spoon her. “Can I at least hold you tonight?” I asked, disappointed that we weren’t going to be back together as easily as I thought. She turned her body away from me, pressing herself further against me as she let out pained breaths and more sobs. She nodded as she took my hands in hers, wrapping them tightly around her shaking body.

Something had her traumatized.

“Sare,” I breathed as I kissed her neck, trying to be the stronger of us and holding back whimpers, “I love you no matter what; nothing can come between us, okay? Whatever it is that’s holding you back from being with me, we’re going to get through it together. I’m always going to be here for you. I’m not going anywhere; you’re my love.”

I listened to Sara’s shaking whimpers as her body writhed in my arms. I tried my best to calm her and soothe her to sleep; I kissed her and held her and loved her as much as I could in that moment. She eventually cried herself to sleep that night and nothing hurt more than to watch as she did. I did all that I could, so glad that I came tonight just so that I could hold her as she slept, no matter how hard it was or despite the fact our love was still forbidden.


	35. Premonition

**Sara**

I woke up in a sweat, to Lindsey standing over me with an evil glower on her face. The hotel room was just about pitch black and a little past the middle of the night, but I could recognize her malevolent smirk and glaring, blazing hazel orbs like no other. Terror struck through my body as I became paralyzed, both physically and mentally. Tegan was still clinging to me just as she was when I fell asleep.

I had gone against Lindsey’s ultimatum.

She laid a hand on my neck and ran fingers through my hair; I had forgot how to breathe now and I couldn’t look away from her eyes. “I told you to stay away from her, Sara,” Lindsey asserted as she looked down to where she had placed her hand on me.

I said nothing, breathless to speak.

 _I’m sorry_ , I repeated a million times in my head, hoping she could read my mind and give in to my begging for mercy. No longer able to meet her eyes, I shot my glance to the shiny bladed knife she held in her other hand, raising it to my neck.

“No!” I screamed, heart beating faster with each inch she brought the blade closer to my neck.

“You didn’t listen to me, Sara. You went against your promise.” She breathed steadily while gliding the blade along my neck, body still crippled.

“Tegan,” I breathed, begging; terrified, crying now. “Please wake up. Please.”

“Don’t worry Sara; this isn’t going to hurt. It’s just the only way I can be sure you won’t get in the way anymore. I didn’t want to do this, but you didn’t listen to me.”

I tensed up my body as I sobbed and strained my neck against the blade, feelg it at my veins now. “Please, Lindsey. Don’t hurt me; I’ll stay away from her. It was an accident.”

“There’s no such thing as accidents,” she declared. “I hope you enjoyed your last night with her, Sara. Rest in peace.”

I heard the rupture of my jugular vein as she pressed the blade against it and slit my throat. I watched the pleasured look on her face as she slaughtered me, repeatedly slashing against my gashed neck.

“No, please! Please!”

I bawled and screamed as loud as my lungs could let me now, strangling my neck and gasping for air; choking. I could feel the tears down my face and already at my chest, flooding my skin. Tegan jumped up and grabbed one of my hands from my strangled neck, kissing it and soothing me.

“Sara!” She shrieked between kisses on my hands and looked into my eyes as I jerked them open, staring at her in pain and disturbance. “You just had a nightmare, Sare. It’s not real. It’s not real, okay?” She kissed my neck delicately, seeing that I was almost causing suffocation upon myself. Tegan trailed her kisses up to my cheeks, which were covered in tears and sweat.

That didn’t feel like a nightmare; it felt so real. I could still see Lindsey when I closed my eyes, so I kept them open as much as possible. My stomach was still twisting at the recollection of her murdering me; the thought of her slitting my throat and blood escaping from my body with every pulse in my veins.

“Sare,” she shrieked again, calmer this time, trying to get my attention as I stared into space deep in thought.

“Sorry, Tee. Yeah, just a nightmare. It wasn’t real,” I breathed heavily as I let out broken words from my trembling lips.

“It’s okay, baby,” Tegan hugged me hard as she lay beside me. “What was it about?”

“Nothing.”

“Sara, please talk to me. I’m listening, tell me what it was,” she requested, sounding concerned now.

“It was nothing, really. Can you just hold me, please?”

Tegan did just that. We sat in silence as I looked up at the visually nonexistent ceiling due to the darkness of the room while Tegan stayed up with me, not saying a word. Every once in a while she would kiss my forehead as I rested on her chest and in her arms. Her embrace made me feel a little stronger, but my nightmare had me weak and vulnerable.

\--

It was finally morning and we were playing our first show in Paris and second show of the tour. I woke up feeling better than when I did last, but still not in a happy mood. It still felt real and I couldn’t shake the terrorizing energy from my mind. I tried to keep it under control as much as I could. Tegan noticed me being a little distant, but with our recent split it wasn’t really much different than usual lately.

We separately showered and ready to leave with the tour bus, practicing our set list as we got settled backstage. I didn’t show affection for Tegan on the way there on the bus; I was more traumatized than before from the ultimatum, more worried that Lindsey would find out that Tegan and I were together last night. How she would find out I had absolutely no idea, but with her level of insanity I’m sure she had a way of knowing. I could tell Tegan had an idea that my lack of affection was from my nightmare last night; she was upset that there was one more thing I was hiding from her.

We sat around hanging out and practicing the set list, specifically one of Tegan’s songs. A smile lit up my face as I saw Colin tip-toeing behind Tegan and surprise her.

“It’s not just all physical—” Tegan paused her singing and turned as she felt a hand to her shoulder. “Oh my god, Colin!” Tegan jumped up as Colin pulled her into a long hug, “You came!”

“Of course, Tegan. It’s good to see you!”

“You, too.” Tegan had a bit of a crack in her voice, tearing up and so happy that he showed up, “Come sit with us.”

It feels like it’s been a while since we saw Colin, but the last time was our last day in Verona, which was only a few days ago. That was the last night Tegan and I were together; that was the night we broke up and she kicked me out of the room. It didn’t make me feel any better as I thought about that, not to mention still in thought of last night’s very realistic nightmare fresh on my mind.

“How’d you get here? Paris is eight hours away!” I exclaimed, flattered that he would come visit us with such a distance hindering him.

“I flew over here,” Colin smiled at me, giving me a hug as he sat down.

“I hate going through customs and everything,” Tegan chimed in, “I hate flying in general. Great for what we do, huh?”

“Oh, I flew  _myself_  over here. I have my own jet.”

“That’s impressive,” Ted interjected and Jasper laughed. “Do you know how to shoot a gun, too?”

Colin laughed awkwardly, embarrassed now, “I do, actually.”

“Okay, okay. You’re embarrassing him; he’s perfect, Ted. We’re all jealous,” Tegan laughed as she tauntingly nudged Colin’s shoulder.

“Funny, Tegan,” Colin quipped back at her. “So how have you guys been doing?”

Sara shot a glance at me with sad eyes. “Good,” Tegan filled in the silence.

\--

We got back in from sound check and the crowd was amazing as always. Their energy took my mind off of my upset. Lindsey wasn’t in sight, at least for now. My mind worried that she was going to show up, armed or with a blade. I hope security was better than last time, for my sake.

It was time to go on stage again, and we could hear the crowd screaming for us. We waited on the side of the stage for music to start before we could walk out. Tegan and I didn’t speak too much today, side-by-side, waiting for our cue to start walking on stage. I had butterflies in my stomach as I waited to go on, excited to be performing for the second time this tour.

Tegan brushed my arm, causing me to jump a bit because I didn’t want to make physical contact with her since my nightmare, or what I truly think was a premonition. Oh god I hope I was wrong. She looked at me and smiled after I calmed down from her lingered touch. She then held her hand out, just like every other time we went on for a show and I slapped her hand back without hesitation.

“I love you, Sare.”

“I love you too, Tee.”

There was a night sky overtop of us as we walked out to our sides of the stage. Thankfully, no Lindsey; I did a double and triple take just to be very sure. Maybe it was just an illusion and nothing to be worried about; I tried to be optimistic now. Ted and Jasper were here, security was here—I wasn’t going to die today. I shook my head of my thoughts as Tegan started playing the keys to I Couldn’t Be Your Friend.

More than half of the set list was passed now, along with Tegan carrying the banters and I interjected, cracking jokes a fair bit more than I expected. Tegan was so happy to be talking to the audience and performing, which made me happy as well that I got to be doing this with her. I watched her giddy face as she smiled and giggled at Colin who was laughing at our banters from the side of the stage.

“Okay, so this next song I wrote. And you’ll be the first of anyone to hear it. Are you guys excited?” Tegan asked the audience, throwing me off because that wasn’t part of the set list. I looked to Ted and Jasper and apparently I was the only one who was confused.

Tegan smiled at me as she went on, “So this song, I wrote it this week.” Tegan looked down, seeming as if she were trying to gather herself, along with her words before she went on. “It’s been a tough week for me, so this song was my outlet. I wrote it about someone really special to me, who I lost just recently. But I’m optimistic that it’s only temporarily, and that, um, that she’ll be mine again soon. I, uh, I hope you guys like it.”

Tegan started playing a riff on the piano to a song I have definitely never heard before. I wanted to cry as I just stood there, guitar in hand, and watched as she poured her heart out.

She wrote a song for me.

“ _Guilty as charged, you were on my mind_

_Try as I might I can't seem to lie_

_I can love you back if you like_

_I can hold you back if you like_

_And so I go back home, to be by myself_

_I try everything I've ever read_

_Desperate, I still can't get you out of my head_

_Because you're on my mind_

_All the time_

_Now you're on my mind_

_All the time_

_A blessing in disguise I was on your mind_

_Try as you might you may well soon find_

_I am yours but you can't be mine_

_I am sure you'll always be mine_

_And so I go back home to be by myself_

_I try everything I've ever read_

_Desperate, I still can't get you out of my head_

_And so I stay at home alone with myself_

_I read through everything I've ever said_

_Desperate, I still can't get you out of my head_

_Crazy, crazy, I’m crazy about you_

_Caught in the act, you were on my mind_

_Lucky for you, now I'm on your mind_

_And so I go back home to be by myself_

_I try everything I've ever read_

_Desperate, I still can't get you out of my head_

_Because you're on my mind_

_All the time_

_Now you're on my mind_

_All the time”_

I had tears in my eyes and just realized now; they must have been there the whole time she sang. She looked to me as she sang the song she wrote for me, passion in her eyes and a smile on her face the whole time. I was worried that everyone could see the butterflies I was feeling, but I was just being delusional. I turned around as she ended the song and I dried my tears with my hands, looking to Ted and Jasper and letting out a self-conscious giggle, and then to Colin who shot me a smile.

Turned away from the audience, I went back to our planned set list and started playing the guitar riff to Walking With A Ghost as I tried to contain myself again. We ended the night with a few more songs and I was able to keep it together. Call It Off, How Come You Don’t Want Me, and Closer for the encore. Tegan’s song was still on my thoughts; it was bittersweet. I wanted this nightmare to be over as soon as possible; I couldn’t be optimistic for much longer, not that I really was.

We got back to the room and Tegan talked me into having her stay with me again; she refused to leave after I woke up in my sleep screaming like that last night. I felt a state of uneasiness wash over me as we sat in bed, Tegan cuddling me and playing with my hair as she kissed my cheeks. My silence was contagious unfortunately and she could tell something was still bothering me; I was so terrible at hiding things and I felt worse to know that I was keeping something from her.  _I’m protecting our relationship; I’m protecting her_ , I repeated to myself.

“Tee,” I decided to break the silence, not that it was awkward or anything; she was being loving towards me and had the intention of easing my mind of my fears. “I loved it—the song. It was really nice,” I couldn’t tell her how much it meant to me since tears were beginning to source from my eyes.

Tegan kissed my cheeks again, but this time it was to dry my tears as they hit my face. She lurched up from me when her phone rang from beside her, “Mom’s face timing me.” She looked to me in a serious look, especially that I was crying now.

“Hi mom,” Tegan spoke gently as she accepted the call from her.

“Hi baby, is Sara there, too?”

“Yeah, um,” Tegan stammered as she looked to my shattered face, “she’s just beside me.” Tegan kept the camera away from me in case she thought I didn’t want her to see me like this. When I called her last time she knew I wasn’t well, and being a mom she probably already knew I still wasn’t okay.

“Sara?” Mom asked as Tegan refrained from saying anything else, staying quiet.

“Hi mom,” I leaned to Tegan’s shoulder as my voice cracked from a sob; my sadness was apparent to her now. I had nothing else to say, although I wished I could think of something. I didn’t want her asking what was wrong.

Mom gasped and looked discomforted to see me crying hysterically now. I couldn’t hold it in as much as I tried; I didn’t wan to make Tegan uncomfortable either. “I’m sorry,” I sobbed, “it’s just been a rough week for me. We’re okay.”

“Sara,” mom tisked, “It really doesn’t look like you girls are okay.”

“It’s okay, mom; I’m taking care of her.” Tegan put her arm around my shoulders and hugged me as she assured my mom everything was going to be fine.

“Girls, why don’t you take a little break from the tour and come home?” She offered.

“No way, mom!” Tegan shot back defensively.

“I knew you’d say that, Tegan. When’s your next show?”

“We have a break for a few days.” Tegan answered her; I didn’t have the lung capacity to speak right now.

“I’m going up to the cottage tomorrow. Why don’t you girls come with me? You love going; you’ll feel better, I promise.” She offered again.

“Mom,” Tegan started in a refusing tone, defensive still.

“You’ll be back before your next show; just for a few days. What do you think, Sare?”

Tegan looked at me, waiting for my answer just as mom did. I nodded my head as I kept my lips pursed; maybe that wasn’t a bad idea. I did love going there and escaping from city life. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea.

“Is that a yes from you, too, Tegan?” Mom asked, excited.

Tegan sighed in thought as she glanced to me again. “Is that really what you wanna do, Sare?” She whispered to me, reaffirming my answer in private. I nodded again; I thought maybe it was what I needed.

Tegan looked at mom and let out a hesitantly receptive smile, “We’ll be there tomorrow morning, your time.”


	36. Pulse Part I

**Tegan**

“You sure you want to go, Sare?”

Sara nodded her head, wiping her tears that were no longer oncoming, finally.

“I think I just need to get away for a bit. Mom’s right, Tee.”

“What about the rest of the tour?” I asked, stunned that she was putting herself before it. I didn’t want to give up touring right now and would be upset if we had to postpone something. We never did that in our career. Ever.

“No, no, Tee. We won’t do that. We’ll just stay with mom in LA for a bit; I think that’ll help me clear my head of all these thoughts,” Sara reasoned.

 _Thoughts?_  Okay, I wasn’t going to ask; she’s not going to elaborate anyway. Maybe going to the cottage will get her to open up to me—at least I hope. She’s been hiding this from me for way too long. I don’t even think twenty questions were going to slide with her this time.

“Sare, we’re eleven hours away from home,” I gasped as I checked my cell phone for flights.

“Let’s just go now then,” she interrupted me, eager to leave. “There’s nothing here for us, anyway.”

“There’s no flights tonight; the next one isn’t until tomorrow morning and we’re only three hours ahead. We won’t make it there in time like I told mom.”

Sara was preoccupied in her head and didn’t respond to me at first. “Didn’t Colin say he took his jet up here? Is he still here? Call him, Tee!” She grew anxious at her realization, and so did I.

“That might be a little mu—” Sara grabbed my phone from my hands before I could tell her that would have been a huge favour to ask of someone. She clearly didn’t care and was just thinking of her mental health; she wanted to be back home right now. I let out a deep sigh and a palm to my face, knowing I couldn’t stop her as she rummaged for his contact information in my phone.

“It’s ringing! You ask him, Tee!” She shoved the phone to my chest in my hands.

“Sara, no!”

“For me? Please? Please, Tee.” I was a sucker for her when she begged; I would do anything for her, especially after seeing her so sad the past few days. If this was the only thing I could do to help her get through this, I figured I might as well.

“Oh, what the hell. Fine,” I gave in and waited for Colin to answer, feeling a little nervous in my stomach for asking him such a huge favour. I guess I had nothing to lose. Sara beamed at my willingness to accept and let out an excited shriek as she hugged my waist.

“Hey, Tegan.” Colin spoke from the other end. He sounded happy and it was so late at night.  _Fuck. He’s going to hate me._

“Hi, Colin! Uh, okay look; I have a favour to ask of you. I know it’s really late right now and I’m really sorry to—”

“Don’t apologize,” Colin laughed, “I’ll do anything for you, just name it.”

“Oh? Okay, well let me at least ask you first, then you can make up your mind,” I stalled, relieved by his positive reaction but still uneasy about asking. “Sara’s a little homesick and she wants to go back home until our next show. Would you—um, fly us there?” My voice rose in pitch as I asked, so uncomfortable asking him do this.

“Sure,” he responded without hesitation, warmth still in his voice.

I jutted my face to Sara with a smile on my face, “He said yes!” I whispered in excitement to her, in shock that he agreed so quickly.

“Tegan, you there?”

“Yes! Sorry Colin! That’s  _really_  nice of you; I’ll return the favour. I promise.”

“Tegan,” Colin laughed again. “You saved me from marrying Lindsey and showed me what a terrible person she is. I guess I helped you dodge a bullet too, but that’s beside the point.  _I_ have to make it up to _you_.”

“Well, uh, I guess if you put it that way.”

“So when do you want to leave?”

“Um, well, pretty much now.”

“You’re lucky I’m staying in the same hotel as you,” he joked. “I’ll meet you in the lobby in fifteen minutes. Let me just pack some of my things.”

“Okay. I really appreciate you doing this Colin. Sara, too,” I thanked him, holding on to Sara’s hands and rubbing them gently as she started to feel a little better already.

“Honestly, don’t even think twice about asking. Anytime, I mean it. I’ll see you two soon.”

“Bye, Colin.”

Sara gave me a kiss on the cheek just as I hung up the phone. She was so lucky that he didn’t go back to Verona and agreed to bring us. The cottage better cheer her up and give me some answers; I didn’t want to sacrifice this tour.

We met Colin in the lobby in fifteen minutes as planned. We put our luggage in the trunk of his BMW and drove to the airport nearby. When we got there, we strolled over to the hangar where he kept the jet for the night. I didn’t know what a hangar was until now. Holy shit.  _What did he do for a living again?_

Colin took our luggage while Sara and I followed behind him in the jet. Oh my god, it was gorgeous and I tried to collect myself at the site of it. “Nice,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant, but it came off a little more enthusiastic than planned. I already flocked over his new house in Verona and I promised I wouldn’t do that again; I got too excited at his personal possessions.

“Thanks, Tegan,” Colin smiled. “You guys are welcome to take a nap or come up to the front with me. I can show you how it works.”

“I’m exhausted, I think I’ll just sleep over here on this couch,” I said as I slid onto the loveseat to lie down.

“Oh my god, teach me how to drive this thing!” Sara bolted in excitement to the front with Colin, not even bothering to say goodnight to me. I haven’t seen her so elated in days. Finally. Too bad I couldn’t buy her a jet myself.

I smiled at Sara’s giddiness as she sat beside Colin and he showed her how to start the jet after driving it out of the hangar. I listened to her giggles after taking off and reaching enough height for Colin to show Sara how to steer it herself. I missed her laughter; it made me happy to hear it again, especially as her voice soothed me to sleep.

\--

I felt a rub on my shoulder from gentle hands, “Psst, Tee. We’re here, wake up!” I looked up to Sara’s blurry face and wiped my tired eyes, seeing her clearly now. She looked so excited as she pulled my blanket off of me, urging me to get up. “I learned how to steer a jet!”

I chuckled at her cuteness, “That’s awesome, Sare. That’s really, really awesome.”

“I know! It was  _awesome!”_ Sara jumped up, releasing a high-pitched shriek. “Okay, get up already!” She rushed me, excited that we were almost home. She made me smile seeing her so impatient and zealous like this.

Sara took my hand as she walked off with me from the jet. We took a cab over to our house and Colin came with us. I texted mom and told her we were going to be there soon. After about twenty minutes or so, we finally pulled in the driveway.

As soon as we got out of the car, mom was already outside and giving us hugs. Sara was especially happy to see her; she must have been really homesick. I hadn’t seen her like that ever; I needed to know what was on her mind. I’m going to find out tonight.

“I’ve missed you girls!” Mom beamed, releasing me out of her hug as I turned to Colin, introducing them.

“Mom, this is our friend Colin; we met in Verona. He flew us here, isn’t that nice?” I grinned, as him and mom exchanged hugs.

“Thank you so much for doing that! Are you coming with us to the cottage?” Mom exclaimed, hoping that he would; I could tell she liked him already.

“Oh, no, I couldn’t,” Colin shot up, “You guys need your time to spend together.”

“You should come, Colin. Really, it’ll be fun,” Sara offered as well.

“You sure?” He looked at me for a third approval.

“Yeah, you free for a few days? You should totally come.” I smiled up at him, hoping he would accept the invitation now. We felt so close to each other like a best friend I knew for a lifetime, but there was still so much more to know.

“As long as I’m not imposing, Tegan.”

“Okay, cool. So you’re coming,” I ordered, smiling as I grabbed Colin’s arm while we packed our things into mom’s car. Sara took the passenger seat and Colin and I sat in the back. Sara finally fell asleep after staying up all night while we had some music playing in the car and had light conversation. Mom seemed to really take a liking to Colin since he talked almost the whole way.

Three long hours later, we finally pulled up to the cottage. Mom had updated it a lot since Sara and I have last been here; it felt like a second home to me. I opened the car door for Sara and just about scared her as she woke up, getting annoyed by me again as I laughed at her reaction. There was a nervous feeling inside the pit of my stomach that mom would potentially notice our connection had become more intimate and romantic since we last saw her.

Colin’s phone rang and he excused himself for a minute as we brought our suitcases inside and got settled. Mom was really happy to have us back and the first thing she did was put on the kettle for some tea. We sat around the deck outside overlooking the lake and taking in the cool summer breeze and mom went inside to start making dinner.

“Hey,” Colin came out to the back and almost startled us, “I’m gonna step out for a while; someone’s here who needs me for business.”

“A client?” I questioned, “Or business partner or something? I thought you just invested and did stocks? You know someone here out in the middle of nowhere?”

“Yeah, technically a client.”

“Client for what?” Sara intervened and we were both questioning him now. He never really talked about his wealth much, but it was mostly because we weren’t that knowledgeable in the stock market; not that he didn’t open up about it.

“It’s private; I’m not really supposed to talk about it to others. Sorry,” Colin apologized as he spoke in a professional tone, “I may be back a little late, so don’t wait up too long for me. You girls have fun; you need some time for yourselves anyway.”

Colin looked over to me as he said that.  _Did Sara tell him about our breakup? Did she tell him why she’s been acting like this?_  Maybe I’ll take advantage of our time alone and try to get some answers out of her finally; if I don’t, I’m going to really regret coming all the way out here.

“Okay,” Sara smiled. “Call us when you’re on your way back.”

Sara seemed standoffish for the rest of the day and guarded her phone like a hawk, checking it every so often with a look of terror stumbling upon her face. Whatever it was that was bothering her seemed to be getting worse. We spent the day outside until night, drinking coolers and playing board games with mom joining in every once in a while; having light conversation and nothing too serious for a change. It was starting to really bother me; I had to get answers.

When the sun was set and dark had come, we went down by the lake for a campfire. We slipped big comfy sweaters over our bodies before heading out and brought blankets since it was getting a little cold. I could see all the constellations in the sky and Sara was almost completely quiet now, adding in nods and hums to the conversation every once in a while. I knew mom could feel the tension and I was beginning to feel really uncomfortable.

I looked over to her glum face every so often as she roasted her marshmallow and sandwiched it in between a piece of chocolate and two graham crackers, probably sipping on her fourth cooler by now. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea for her to be drinking when she was feeling like this.

“Is she okay?” Mom mouthed to me as she eventually gave up on making lighthearted conversation with Sara.

I shook my head with pursed lips.  _I wish I knew why, mom._

“Okay,” mom stood up and picked up her tea. “You two enjoy the campfire, I’ll give you girls some time alone.”

Mom looked at me with raised brows, darting her eyes over to Sara and urging me to figure out why she was acting so distant; I felt nervousness growing in my stomach as she left and I was alone with her now.

“Sare, can we talk about this?” I looked to her and pulled my lawn chair next to her as I caressed her shirtsleeve, then to her cold hands.

“I don’t want to.” She didn’t flinch up to look at me at all; keeping her attention to the marshmallow she had on the flames.

“Why are you keeping me in the dark about this, Sare? I’m your sister; you can’t just hide things this big from me. I felt something so strong between us the other day; you can’t just take that away from me. Especially when you said we’d be in this together. What happened to that, Sare?”

“I’m sorry.”

I let out a sigh as I adjusted myself on the chair to face her more, still holding on to her hand.

“You broke my heart, Sare. I hope you know that.”

I heard a choked sob slip from Sara’s throat and her body collapsed, becoming weak now. She was holding that in for a while, “I know! I didn’t want it to happen, Tee. I didn’t, but I had no choice. My heart’s broken, too.”

I almost lost it now as I jumped out of my chair without hesitation, taking the stick out of her hand and pulling her up from her chair. She tried to fight against me, still resisting my gaze from her shattered expression. I wrapped her arms around my shoulders and picked her up by her thighs, wrapping her legs around me as I brought her toward the lake. Sara had her body still wrapped warm in the blanket as I held her tight. Resistantly, I trudged through the water and trying not to get Sara wet.

“Tegan! Put me down!” She screamed at me and ordered through her cries, slamming her fists to my shoulders. I had no mercy for her anymore.

I didn’t say anything as I lifted her up onto the trampoline that laid overtop of the water and pulled myself up onto it.

“Are you gonna talk to me now, Sare?” I urged, throwing the blanket off of her and keeping her warm in my hands as she writhed against me. She didn’t want me touching her right now.

“No, Tee!” Sara cried harder and shook her head against my cheek.

“Why won’t you let me love you anymore, Sare? I love you and you love me. Don’t you miss me at all?” I begged her to talk to me and to take her walls down.

Her face was still against mine, my blazing cheek against her tear-stained one. She nodded her head uncontrollably. “Tegan, I miss you so much. I still miss you so much. Our kiss the other night,” she recollected and let out a deep breath, “I wanted it so bad.”

“Then what’s the problem, Sare? We both want each other; we’re both crazy about each other. We’re in  _love!_ ” I rubbed my fingers against the small of her back and up to her waist, earning a shudder from her as I tried to warm her body.

“Tee, don’t!” She jerked her hands to mine at the feel of my touch and tried to pull my arms out from underneath her sweater.

“Why are you pulling away, Sare?” I screamed at her. “Why don’t you want me anymore?”

“It’s not like that,” Sara turned her face down and pressed her forehead against mine. I could feel her tears now as I pulled her closer and she held onto my arms, still resistant but failing.

I had my fingers caressing her ribs now and I could feel her body trembling against mine from her upset. I felt a little bad with how frantic she was right now but I couldn’t handle not knowing anymore. I kept my hands on her skin to keep her warm and looked into her eyes, waiting for permission to kiss her. When she didn’t do anything, I pressed my lips to her temples and to her cheeks, kissing her tears and wiping them away. She let out tortured moans as I did so, but gave in to letting me.

“Can I kiss you, Sare?”

Sara didn’t respond and I listened to our breaths becoming synchronized and heavy. She whimpered hard in my ear as I kissed the tears on her skin, provoking me to go further.

“Sare, it’s okay. Can you just relax, please?”

She tightened the grip of her legs around me as I held her, reciprocating my touch now. She was still hesitant to me, but I kept trying to calm her down. I kissed the corners of her lips and earned a struggled moan from her, as if she was battling against refusing me. Sara breathed in sharp and impatiently pressed her mouth to mine, and I could hear a cry from her throat as she did.

Internally tortured by her decision to give in to me, she raked her fingers through my hair, pressing her centre closer to mine and I could feel her arousal growing. Her lips were almost swollen now from me biting them and her tongue rolling over mine.

Butterflies overpowered my stomach at the passion and agony in her kiss, but she couldn’t fight it just as I couldn’t. I brushed my fingers against the lace of her bra and unclasped it, throwing her body to lie down and earning a shriek from her.

“Tegan!” She whimpered my name again as I held her close underneath me, still cautious. I pulled the blanket overtop of us; it was too dark for anyone to see right now since the lights weren’t on, but Sara was really shy and reluctant. I ignored her calling my name, kissing down to her neck and collarbones as I pulled off her sweater and her shirt.

I could feel she was begging me to stop as she kept calling my name, but the fiery I built up in my veins didn’t allow me to listen to her pleas. “It’s okay, baby. We’re alone, okay? It’s just us,” I whispered in her ear to reassure her as she pressed her fingertips against my back underneath my sweater and pulled my hair simultaneously. I threw her clothes over to somewhere beside us and loosened her straps off from her shoulders, letting her breasts fall against my hands.

I pulled myself under the blanket and kissed her breasts, gently and then rougher as I earned more moans from her. She slipped my sweater overtop of my head and I was left in my bra now. I slipped my pants off along with hers as she pulled herself under the blanket with me, feeling the heat of our breaths now.

I brought my attention back to her breasts as she continued her rough grip on my hair and letting out aroused shrieks that only I could hear. Her nipples were already hard from her arousal and the cool breeze outside from the blanket. I kissed her breasts and took the bud in between my thumb and forefinger. Her back arched up against my chest as I sucked her nipple harder into my mouth and then pleasuring the other, feeling her body continue to jerk.

“Do you want me to stop?” I asked, finally responding to her prior refusals to me. She dipped her back and pressed my waist closer into her with unsteady hands. I took her body language as a signal to keep going lower to where she needed to feel me most. “No?” I proceeded as I outlined the lace of her panties with my finger, kissing each rib and then her stomach. “Are you gonna keep pulling away, Sare?”

“Tegan,” I heard Sara say my name under her breath, still tortured that I was doing this to her. She couldn’t fight me anymore and I knew she wanted to feel me between her legs.

“Yeah, Sare? Please talk to me, babe. Can I kiss you here?” I circled her clit overtop of the material, releasing a sob as she inched her back off of the trampoline and begging for me to put my mouth on her.

“Did you miss me between your legs like this, love?”

“Oh!” Sara let out an impatient shriek and shook her body harder against my hand.

“Mmm, fuck.” I inched my mouth to the bones protruding from her hips now, keeping her clit rubbed hard against my fingers. “I missed it, too. I bet you missed coming hard against my hand and my mouth, hmm babe?”

“Oh fuck, Tegan. Stop.” She was impatient now as she begged for me to stop talking and just eat her pussy like I asked.

“You know I’m not going to let you come like that until you tell me,” I exposed.

“Tegan!” She whimpered, “Please!”

I spread her legs open further and hooked them around my shoulders, gripping hard onto them. I pulled her panties off of her and slid them off from her shaking legs, slapping her thighs for still refusing to talk to me.

“You know how much you piss me off, Sara?”

“Okay, okay! Just please, Tee,” Sara pressed my head further between her legs, wanting me to please her and avoiding my questions. I listened to her breaths getting heavier as she grew more frustrated and impatient. The smell of her arousal made it hard for me to refuse her begging and I had to give in.

She raised her hips to my face just as I rolled my fingers along her clit. I kissed her inner thighs and then bit them gently, earning another impatient shriek from her lips. I kept her hips up by pressing my hands against her lower back as she kept her legs hooked tight around my shoulders. I flicked my tongue against her lips and then to her clit, pressing her pussy against my mouth. Her moans were uncontrollable now and I was really rough with her, still on my mind that she was keeping a secret from me.

I could feel her body jerking hard as she rode my face and pulled my hair. The more I kissed and heard my name from under her breaths, the less I focused on the reason I was so angry with her. I could hear Sara becoming flustered as I fucked her harder and dipped my tongue inside her.

“Mmm, fuck. I missed you so much,” I hummed overtop of her hitched breaths as I could feel her coming close. I licked my lips to take in her taste before I stroked my tongue against her soaked pussy and inside her again and squeezed her harder in my hands.

“Oh god, fuck. You’re so good,” Sara whimpered and breathed my name again hard between moans.

“You like when I do that, baby?” I looked up at her hot face as she watched me.

“Tegan!” She yelled again, trying to tilt my face up toward her from between her legs.

“What?” I stopped and looked up at her as a consequence of her body language, thinking she was screaming my name out of pleasure than rather to get my attention.

“Did you bring your phone? Colin said he’d call us when he’s coming back and it’s getting late,” Sara’s spoke heavy as she tried to fill the air back into her lungs and regain her breath.

“No.” I responded, upset that she stopped me from tasting her, “I left mine in our room.”

She pulled me closer to her and looked at me with delicate, gentle eyes. “Can you get it?”

I let out a sigh and smiled at her, slightly rolling my eyes at the fact that she gave me blue balls, for lack of a better word. “Yeah, Sare.”

I inched my head out from the blanket and grabbed my clothes, putting each article on one by one. I rolled up my leggings before stepping back into the water and walked up through the grass and eventually slid the door open into the house.

“Tee, you girls okay?” Mom asked, almost startling me as she walked into the kitchen.

“Yeah, I’m sure she’ll be fine. I still don’t know what’s bothering her.”

“I’m gonna step out and visit the neighbours; they’re having a campfire, too. Are you two going to be okay if I’m gone for a little while?”

“Yeah, of course.” She definitely didn’t hear us, not that I was worried that she would; the cottage was a pretty good distance from the lake and our voices wouldn’t have been within earshot.

“Okay, Tegan.” Mom came up to me, pulling me into a hug and gave me a kiss. I turned so that she kissed the side of my head and my hair, hoping to god she couldn’t smell the sex on my face. I reluctantly hugged her back but came out of it as quick as I could in fear that she would notice. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I said to her as she shut the front door behind her.

I ran quickly to me and Sara’s room where we left our suitcases and I grabbed my phone from the night table. Colin didn’t call me yet. I looked over on the bed to Sara’s phone, contemplating looking through it. Last time I did that, it gave me answers. I had to do it because it was fucking her up mentally so badly and this time was no different.

I looked through her messages first and that was all I needed to give me an answer. She had been messaging Lindsey back and forth since our breakup.

_Lindsey: Good morning Sasa, I heard you were wondering where Tegan was last night. Maybe this will give you an idea. She felt really good…but you already knew that._

I had tears in my eyes when I realized this was the message Lindsey sent to Sara after she raped me. Sara must have deleted the video and I’m glad she did; I couldn’t bear to see that anymore. And especially not now when Sara and I are still broken.

_Lindsey: If you’re still with Tegan by tomorrow night, I’m leaking the video. Night Sasa._

“What?” I gasped and threw my hand over my mouth; in shock and tears escaping from my eyes. Lindsey must have kept the video from that night.  _How could she do that to me?_ I read her message over and over again;  _was she threatening Sara?_

_Lindsey: I wouldn’t take the chance that I’m giving you an empty threat again. You break up with her yet?_

_Sara: Yes._

“Oh my god,” I continued to talk to myself and couldn’t believe Lindsey had been manipulating Sara.  _How could she do that when she knew how much I loved Sara? How could she break us up like that?_  I breathed in sharp at the thought to the day after our breakup, when Lindsey had brought me gifts and was so apologetic.  _Did she make Sara break up with me so she could sleep with me?_  I felt a serious uneasiness growing in my stomach now as I thought about how I bought Lindsey’s sweet talk to me.  _I’m so fucking stupid_.  _How could I have done that to Sara?_

I kept scrolling through Lindsey’s messages.

_Lindsey: Show her the voicemail and I leak everything I have of you two to the press. I’ll know if you do. Thanks for calling to check up on her last night. Thought I’d let you listen in on what you’re missing. You really broke her heart, Sara. Don’t worry; I was there for her. Funny how you said she would never get back with me._

I looked at the date of that message, confused at what she meant by  _voicemail_.  _Was this the night Lindsey came to my room and apologized to me? Is that what she meant by ‘what you’re missing’? Did she send her a voicemail of her and I having sex to Sara’s phone?_  “Oh my god,” I repeated under my breath. Lindsey’s sicker than I thought.  _How could I be that fucking stupid?_

_Lindsey: Why’s Tegan calling me asking where I am? You’re making it pretty obvious, Sasa. If I find out you’re sleeping with her, you know what I’ll do._

_Lindsey: Hey Sasa. Does Tegan miss me? I know you’re at the cottage. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing behind my back. If you let me sleep with both of you, I’ll take back the ultimatum._

Sara had stopped responding to her, but she had definitely read them. My body was shaking and I was furious that Lindsey would manipulate and threaten Sara like that. That Lindsey could fucking do that to  _me,_ her long-term girlfriend. After she fucking lied to me and told me she loved me and succeeded in sleeping with me twice after our breakup. She even saw how heartbroken I was over Sara leaving me, watching me cry and took advantage of me anyway.

I swiped over to Colin’s name on Sara’s contacts and called him, hoping he wasn’t still in a meeting and would pick up. I listened to the ringing on the other end for a good ten seconds. He must have still been busy.

“Hello?”

“Colin! It’s me, Tegan!”

“Oh, hi Tegan. On Sara’s phone?”

“Yes! Can I talk to you, please? Are you busy? It’s important, I’m really scared, Colin.”

“Everything okay, Tee?”

“Did Sara tell you that Lindsey threatened her to break up with me?”

“What? No; I know you guys are going through something, but she didn’t give me details. What do you mean threaten?”

“Remember I told you she raped me and filmed it? She threatened to Sara that she would leak it to the public, and all of our photos together about our relationship!” I was screaming into the phone now and didn’t hear Colin’s response.

“Colin?”

Nothing.

“Colin? You there?” I was still sounding urgent. I wanted him to come back and help me; I was freaking out.

“Tegan.” Colin spoke quietly and froze, “I don’t think Lindsey’s exactly who we think she is.”

“What? What are you talking about, Colin?” I was almost terrified now by his traumatized tone.

I heard clicks in the background and Colin was slow to respond. “It says she’s been wanted by the police for a long time; she’s murdered people. She must have moved here from another country and changed her name.”

“That’s not right,” I spoke in disbelief and at a loss of breath now.

“That’s what it says here.”

“What are you looking at?”

“Her background check.”

I couldn’t process what he was telling me fast enough. “Background check? Where are you Colin, what are you doing? I thought you were in a meeting, how do you have access to that?”

I grew nervous now as I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea what he meant when he said where he had to go tonight was private and he couldn’t discuss it.  _Was he hiding something from me, too?_

“Colin?”

“I was hired by a client to do some work for him. I have access to everyone’s background checks through the business I do.”

“What business? Hired to do what?”

“He needed me to take care of a criminal,” Colin was giving me answers, but not enough for me to understand. I continued to question him and became impatient.

“Take care of?”

“Yes. And I’m gonna take care of Lindsey, too.” Colin attested, serious.

“Colin, tell me what you’re doing there.”

“I came here to kill someone.”

I didn’t say anything. I heard him correctly as he spoke calmly and in a monotone. Adrenaline rushed through my stomach and surpassed my anxiety. I took a deep breath at the realization of what he was trying to insinuate.

“Colin,” I froze before I could finish. “You’re a hit man?”

“Yes,” he continued to speak smoothly in a way that almost unnerved me. “I only kill people who have committed serious crimes.”

I didn’t respond as I still tried to process it. That made sense as to why he had so much money for someone who was still so young. I thought about it some more; he knows how to fly a plane and shoot a gun.

“Tegan, it’s okay. I know that’s not what you expected to hear. It’s private but I trust you. And trust me, I’m a normal person. The government contacts me if there is someone who they want dead: serial killers, terrorists, that kind of thing. I do it to make the world safer; I know it sounds scary.”

“You kill people?” I repeated his words from a minute ago, still in shock.

“Tegan, I’m coming over right now. You girls might not be safe alone; are you with Sara?” I started to sense the urgency in his tone, getting at the fact we shouldn’t be on our own right now.

I didn’t respond again, recalling when Colin said Lindsey has murdered people before.

“Tegan! Go make sure Sara’s safe; I’ll be there in a little bit. Please don’t leave her alone!” He was shouting, worrying about us now.

“Okay, okay. She’s outside, I’m going to go get her.”

“Be careful, I’m coming now. Bye.”

I held onto Sara’s phone, the reason I came here in the first place and darted outside. I ran down the steps, almost stumbling as I hurried. A drop of rain hit my arm and it was beginning to pour down hard. It was too dark and unclear to make out Sara’s body from the distance, but I thought I could see her and that brought me some piece of mind. My feet hit the water of the lake and a splash broke the silence of the midnight breeze and crickets.

“Sara! We have to go inside, love.” I shouted as I pressed my body up to the trampoline until I had my knees up on it. I flicked my hair out of my face and over to Sara, ready to tell her I knew about the ultimatum and everything Colin had just told me—until I looked to her and was stopped dead in my tracks.

Her face was cold and still; paralyzed. She wasn’t breathing as she stared at me without blinking. The blanket she had brought with her was wrapped around her naked body with exposed shoulders. I jumped back when I noticed Lindsey, arms wrapped tight around Sara’s body and she pressed herself behind her. The rain had Sara’s hair soaked and makeup running down her face.

Lindsey barely flinched at the sight of me, keeping her attention back to Sara. Her expression was drenched in hostility and disdain. She couldn’t have cared any less that I had showed up now. I was in shock to see her and felt disabled at the sight of her face.

My gaze was brought to the gleaming edge Lindsey was holding at Sara’s jaw against her pulse point, racing anxiety through my stomach.

Knife.


	37. Pulse Part II

**Sara**

“Can you get it?” I had completely just ruined the moment as I had my hands gripped to Tegan’s hair while she stayed between my legs, her attention on my concerned face now.

“Yeah, Sare.” Tegan rolled her eyes at me and flashed a smirk, smiling but not impressed with my bad timing. She got up from between my legs and found her clothes.

I felt the trampoline rise a bit as she jumped off as I bundled my naked body in the blanket until she came back. It smelled like her, reminding me of how much I needed her and missed her during our break up; like that little missing piece of myself that finally came back to me. I stared up at the constellations as I waited for Tegan; bringing me back to the time we made love under the stars in Verona.

We had sex tonight—and I didn’t die. Maybe I was overreacting;  _how would Lindsey have known anyway?_ Maybe I should have just told Tegan in the first place; we could have just kept it a secret. Lindsey would have never figured out. I was crazy to think she was this psychopath that would know my every move. She may be a crazy bitch, but she’s just a person.

She can’t do anything.

I heard rustling through the water as I looked up at all of the stars in the clear night sky, humming and smiling to myself that everything was going to be okay between Tegan and I. I’m just going to tell her the truth and then we can finally be back together. I stretched my warm arms out from the blanket and wrapped the material tighter around me. I felt her body lean onto the trampoline and crawl towards me. I sat up and closed my eyes, leaning back against her chest as she came in to hold me, wrapping her arms around me.

“That was fast, baby.” I whispered in her ear with sleepy eyes, inching my face closer to hers.

Something didn’t feel right. An unnerving feeling in my stomach twisted when I didn’t recognize her smell. I jerked my face down to my body as an immediate reaction and jutted my eyes open to arms that weren’t Tegan’s on my chest. A sharp inhale entered my lungs as I held my breath, in shock and body paralyzed.

Just like in my nightmare.

A cry escaped from my mouth and tears from my eyes. I couldn’t look at her; she terrified me to the point that my body was in agony. Her silence was killing me, in suspense for the possibility that she would do that herself.

“Who’s your _baby_ , Sara?”

My body almost collapsed at the haunting sound in her voice. I didn’t respond; I couldn’t respond. The fear in my stomach didn’t let my brain speak. I sat still as she felt me up under the blanket; I couldn’t fight back.

“Hm?” Lindsey spoke again as she pressed her lips against my cold, tear-stained cheeks. I was choking on my sobs now and Lindsey took pleasure in torturing me. “You went against our agreement, Sara.”

I lurched my head away, shaking it and denying that I did. I jerked my hands to my face but she grabbed them, overwhelming them between hers and pressed them to my stomach. “You did, Sara; don’t lie to me.”

“Lindsey,” I sobbed out and she stroked my knuckles hard, taking a hand to brush my hair out of my face as she leaned her face closer to mine. “Please stop, why are you doing this to me?”

“Because you took her away from me,” she hummed into my ear. “I want her, Sara.” She kept her face pressed against mine and my hands couldn’t move against her hand. I felt her face move away from mine for a second as she grabbed something from beside her. She brushed her palm up my back, through my hair, and to my neck below my jaw.

“And I know you’re not going to give her to me.”

“She doesn’t want you!” I cried hard as I looked away from her.

I felt Lindsey press something sharp against my pulse point, causing me to collapse into harder sobs and strain my breaths.

“Because you’re in the way, Sara.” She put more pressure against my neck and I could feel my jugular vein popping out now against the blade that wanted to pierce my skin, cold sweat hitting it now.

“No I’m not,” my hitched breaths and whimpers could barely let me make out my words as I sat there in torment.

If she moved the blade with the force she had it on my neck, I would be dead in minutes from bleeding out. The thought alone had my body paralyzed, breathless and unable to blink. Pouring rain was hitting my face now and mixing with my tears. I could hear footsteps in earshot and I prayed to God that was finally Tegan. I could hear her heavy breaths as she stumbled through the water and propped herself up onto the trampoline.

“Sare, we have to go inside, love.”

We stared at each other for a moment; my thoughts could barely register her presence. I watched as she inched closer to me and then stopped, expression completely changed as she noticed I had a knife against my neck.

I could have passed as dead by the look on my face; I could barely breathe and I watched Tegan with a lifeless stare, waiting for her to do something. She froze completely. Lindsey couldn’t have cared less that Tegan was here now and kept her focus on striking her still blade against my skin.

I couldn’t feel my body anymore and Tegan had collapsed into hysteria. “Hi Tegan,” Lindsey spoke softly against my face and she finally looked up at my traumatized sister, tears soaking her face now.

“Oh my god, Sara,” Tegan choked on her hitched breaths as she watched me wait to get my throat slit. “Lindsey, please leave her alone. Please don’t do this.”

“She ruined us, babe; she deserves to suffer.” She breathed in my ear loud enough for Tegan to hear, adding more pressure to the knife against my throat. My impatience became more agonizing than the physical pain.

Tegan’s expression turned from plea to wrath and her silence brought Lindsey’s attention to her, waiting for her to speak. “Fuck you, Lindsey.”

“It’s true; I know she was with you when we were together. She seduced you, Tegan; she did this to herself.”

“You were fucking getting  _engaged_ , Lindsey. Neither of us gave a shit about this relationship anymore,” Tegan spat at her.

“I still love you, Tegan.”

“Fuck you, Lindsey. You’re so fucking full of shit. Please just get your fucking hands off of her!” Tegan screamed at her.

“It’s okay, Tegan.” Lindsey looked like she was about to inch the knife across my throat now, “Sara won’t be in the way anymore; we’re gonna be okay.”

“Put the fucking knife down, Lindsey!” Tegan was sobbing hard but her anger was stronger. It was starting to hurt now and I could feel tears running down my face, dripping against the blade. The cold air against my nude skin had my body twitching now and I could feel the sharp edge harder with every swallow.

“Just for a second, baby. Then you can slit her throat. Just give her a second to calm down, okay?” I thought my mind was misleading me when Tegan told Lindsey to kill me. I choked on my sobs now at the fact that Tegan would say that.  _Was Tegan in on something with Lindsey?_  My stomach grew pains at the realization that I was going to be dead soon.

This is how I was going to die; it started with a dream and it ended with one.

“Then we can be together,” Tegan continued. She wasn’t focusing on me anymore and I don’t even know if she was looking at Lindsey, either. She looked in a trance, like she was looking out in the distance to the cottage at something just passed my murderer, expressionless.

“Tegan,” I whispered through a cry. “Why are you doing this?”

She ignored me, keeping her gaze fixed into the distance and Lindsey listened to her request. She removed the pressure on my neck and brushed it away from my skin; I could feel it leaving a mark on my strangled throat and my lungs were battling for air now, fighting through my tears.

“She doesn’t love you, Sara. Don’t worry, you won’t be in pain much longer—” I felt Lindsey readying her hands to put the knife back up to my neck. The stiffness of my body broke when Lindsey’s body jerked against mine and she let out a pained sob. I felt her hands jolt against her chest and I heard a pounding stab. I forced my hands to my neck, thinking I was numbed to the stab on my throat.

Colin was behind me.

He stabbed Lindsey, holding his hand against hers and removing the blood-drenched knife and continued puncturing her. I could feel her shaking body writhe against me as she begged for mercy, gripping onto my shoulder in her free hand until she no longer could.

Lindsey finally let go of my body, not by choice, and Colin threw her so that she was lying on her back now, keeping the knife deep in her chest as he did. The sound of Lindsey’s torture was disorderly and disheartening. Tegan cried as she rushed over to me and held me tighter than she ever had, burying her face my neck and holding onto where Lindsey tried to cut me.

Tegan kept her face hidden while I kept my gaze on Colin’s brutal stabs to Lindsey’s body. The rain was still pouring down and my body was entirely covered by the blanket now, hugging it tight to my body as Tegan clung to me with her shaking body. I stared at Colin, expressionless, at how twisted a sight that lay in front of me.

He didn’t hold back; he looked as if he had done this before. Knowing exactly where to stab and how to defend against her. He ripped out his knife and lingered as he gave Lindsey a dark stare.

“Are you still alive, Lindsey?” Colin husked, angry. Lindsey was in too much agony to respond with words; she stared at him with tear-glazed eyes and shrieked in a tone I could never forget, pleading for clemency.

“Is this why you came here?” Colin gestured to Lindsey’s knife that he now had control of, “Were you gonna murder Sara? Was that your plan? Because she didn’t stay away from Tegan, who doesn’t fucking  _want_  you?”

“I’m not gonna kill you yet, Lindsey; I want you to hurt for all the things you’ve done.” Colin raised the knife to Lindsey’s throat and forced her eyes up at Tegan and I.

“Look at them, Lindsey. Fucking look at them!” I latched onto Tegan to comfort her, hugging her waist and bringing her in the blanket with me. “Let’s start with Sara: you’ve been manipulating her to break up with Tegan just so you can be with her. Did you not hurt Tegan enough? Was that not good enough for you to break her heart? Did you have to bring Sara into this, too? You didn’t want to just fucking leave her alone? Leave _them_ alone? I guess not, huh?” Colin continued to yell.

“And then you threaten to tell everyone about their relationship just to ruin their career? Can you not be happy for someone if they found love or do you just feel the fucking need to ruin it? Is there anything you want to say to her, Linds?”

Colin gripped her head up harder by her hair as she cried; Lindsey struggled to speak through her hitched breaths and choked whimpers, but he had no sympathy for her. “I’m s-s-.”

“Fucking say it, Lindsey!” Colin yelled hard at her, keeping the knife at her skin.

“I’m sorry!” Lindsey choked out, begging for redemption now.

“And how about your girlfriend Tegan who had nothing but love for you for all these years: you lied to her, you cheated on her, you’ve sexually abused her, and you fucking  _video taped_ it and threatened to blackmail her with it! Anything you want to say to  _her_ , Lindsey?”

“Fuck you, Colin!”

“Oh and I was looking at your background check, Lindsey. It was pretty impressive, how no one has found you until now; lucky me, huh?”

_Um, what? What is he talking about?_

“You’ve killed lots of times before, you’re really good. I know exactly what you do, Lindsey. All that work just for riches? You know there are easier ways than trying to seduce them and murder their partners, right?”

“Colin,” Tegan sniffled from beside me, face next to mine. “What are you talking about?”

“Lindsey’s been trying to acquire wealth for a while now, Tegan. She’s murdered people’s spouses and anyone else that got into the way of whose fortunes she wanted to marry into.”

“How many people have you murdered, Lindsey?” Tegan was trudging lightly now, not wanting to hear the real answer.

“If you include the baby that the last wife was carrying, then seven.” Colin clarified, saying it slowly and not intending to hurt Tegan.

Tegan shot out an emotional, broken shriek and let out a cry. Tegan had always wanted a family with Lindsey and that one hit her hard. I hugged both arms around her cold, traumatized body, hoping this would be over soon.

Tegan let go of me, urging to break free from my grip and inched toward Lindsey’s still, lifeless body. “Lindsey, is that true?”

Lindsey didn’t say anything.

“Tegan, she doesn’t deserve to live; she’s wanted by the government.” Colin rationalized.

“I know,” Tegan cried. “I just thought she was someone else when I fell in love with her.”

Colin reached over Lindsey’s body and held her hand, assuring her everything was going to be okay. “I have to do this, Tegan. She’s not going to change, sweetheart,” Colin apologized as he wiped the tears running down my twin’s face.

“I know.”

I crawled over to Tegan to hold her hand to get her through what she was about to see. Her body was paralyzed as she stared at Colin’s knife inching back up to Lindsey’s throat.

“She was going to do the same thing to Sara, Tegan. I don’t think you should look.” Colin warned as I held Tegan’s cheeks and turned her face away from watching Lindsey’s cold body.

“Tee, baby it’s okay.” I stroked her hair and held her body tight in my arms. I, on the other hand, wanted to watch Lindsey suffer. Colin gave me one final look before he finished with Lindsey.

I watched it all. Colin tilted Lindsey’s chin to her chest, bringing her blood supply of vessels in her neck together and slanted the blade inwards. She was about to scream when Colin had destroyed her vocal cords; the kill was silent. I continued to look and cover Tegan’s eyes as Colin severed Lindsey’s carotid arteries, letting the blood rush out and drown her lungs. Lindsey didn’t blink, but writhed against Colin’s knife with her eyes wide open as I listened to Tegan’s tortured cries. It took seconds until the blood filled her lungs and leave her dead.

Lindsey was gone.

“Hold her, okay?” Colin prompted me as he took Lindsey’s body and brought it back to land, ordering me not to let go of Tegan. I kissed her forehead and covered my hands over the side of her face, looking into her eyes. “It’s almost over, Tee. We’re gonna be okay.” I kissed her cheeks and caressed them and became hysterical, “I love you, okay? I love you. I fought for you, Tee.”

Tegan uncontrollably shook her head up and down, tears escaping from her eyes. She pressed her lips together, holding in a whimper as she knew what Colin was doing. Tegan’s eyes were shielded, but I watched from my peripheral vision as Colin left Lindsey to burn in the fire we never put out at the pit.

She was nothing but ashes now.

“I never stopped fighting for you, Sara. I love you.”


	38. Bipolar

**Tegan**

Sara’s hands were blocking my sight in front of me, but I didn’t need vision to know what was happening. I watched Sara looking at Colin putting Lindsey’s body to flames; any other genuine human being wouldn’t have been able to do it, but Colin was comfortable and Sara noticed that. I could tell it scared her as she sat up still holding me.

“Sare,” I brushed her hair down to her cheek and pulled her head to mine. I bowed my head down to her shoulder, whimpering at her throat. “He’s not gonna hurt us.”

The rain put the fire out just as it was no longer of need and Colin started to slowly walk toward us. Sara gave me a serious, emotionless stare, looking down and back to me before she spoke. She shook her head back and forth, a tear escaping from her eyes as she shut them tight, “I’m sorry.”

She put her hand that was blocking my view to my lap now and I had my hands to her wet cheeks. Sara continued, “I’m sorry for hurting you, I’m sorry I listened to her, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I let her do that to us.”

I gripped her face harder in my hand, lacing her hair between my fingers and shook her as I spoke. “You’re so stupid, Sare! Why didn’t you just tell me?”

Sara began to cry harder, “I’m sorry; I was scared.”

I leaned over to my sister and kissed her hard on the mouth, regretting the tone I used. “It’s over now. It’s okay, baby. We just could have gotten through this together.” I kissed her hard again between my words; I missed the taste of her lips so much. “She’s gone; you don’t have to be scared anymore. It’s just us now, okay?” I assured her as she nodded, opening her eyes to me finally.

“I’m so sorry you had to see that,” Colin spoke as he propped himself up onto the trampoline. “Are you okay, Sara?”

Sara stared at Colin, still in shock and trying to take everything in. She froze but tried to nod in response.

“I know you’re scared, I’m so sorry. She deserved what she got; you have to understand that. I don’t just go around and kill people who don’t deserve to be killed,” Colin reasoned.

I watched Sara’s expression, still motionless; mind unleashing a realization at Colin’s words suggesting he  _goes around and kills_  often.

“Sara,” Colin continued, trying to rid her of her worry, “I do this for a living, professionally if you will. Only to those who shouldn’t be here anymore.

Sara loosened her grip around my body and I rested my hand on her thigh through the blanket she still had wrapped around her naked body, caressing her and calming her down.

“Okay.”

I heard Sara take in a deep breath and felt her body move against me as she did. It was definitely a lot to take in right now, not to mention while clothe-less. Colin was about to stroke her shoulder to comfort her and then jerked away because he didn’t want to intervene on her bare skin.

“I’m gonna give you girls some time alone; you need it.” Colin offered as he leaned in toward me for a hug and then hesitantly back to Sara.

“She’ll be fine. Just give it time,” I assured him.

“Yeah,” Colin agreed wholeheartedly as Sara unnervingly nodded. “Take it easy tonight, okay? Be safe.” Colin leaned in to me again, giving me a kiss on the forehead as he pulled me toward him.

I inched my head back and smirked at him nonchalantly, “Us? Safe? We’ll be fine, Colin. We would have been fine without you tonight.” I laughed as I lied to him and he picked up on my sarcasm.

It was finally over; Sara was mine again. The terror in my stomach was overpowered by my fervent, prurient love for her. I took Sara’s motionless hand in mine, massaging her knuckles with my thumbs and turned toward her.

Colin was gone now.

The silence was loud and time was still as we looked into each other’s eyes, taking everything in this fucked up moment. There was only one thing on our mind, though, and I could feel her euphoric passion burning through my body as electricity shot through my skin.

The rain started to hit harder; Sara’s naked body was soaked and so was mine along with my clothes. The damp fabric against my skin would have bothered me if she weren’t crowding my distracted mind. I watched my sister’s unsteady breaths trying to be regained as she licked and bit her lower lip, pressing her fingers against mine.

As I watched her with my undivided attention, I realized that half of me wanted to fuck her brains out so hard for keeping this secret from me and the other half wanted to make love to her so amorously because now there was one less obstacle in the way of us from loving each other unequivocally. I wanted to do everything possible to her right now and feel every inch of her. This is the strongest love I’ve ever felt; she had my heart in a way that no one else ever had.

I pulled her ruthlessly by the hand and I made her uneasy as she tried to keep her naked body covered. I jumped down from the trampoline and my feet splashed against the water as she sat on the edge, legs dangling and lips not moving. We didn’t need to talk to communicate right now. I tugged on her bare legs, slipping her off from the edge and wrapped her body around me. Her breaths were still uneven and hot against my face as I held onto her cold, naked skin. She gripped hard onto me, her shaky fingers digging into my arms I swear it would leave a mark.

I could feel everything she was feeling right now.

I hauled her along in my arms to the cottage, but I didn’t want to go inside yet. Especially after I noticed the car in view. I pressed her body up against it as I fiddled with the handle to open it without my sight. My attention was set on her only; she was starting to moan through her breaths and I could feel the heat from between her legs against my stomach. Sara started sucking on my neck and biting my collarbones as I brought my hands up her legs closer to her hips, making her body twitch.

“Open it, hurry up, Tee!” Sara demanded with a hot-temper and impatience, voice husking and wet lips against my ear.

I listened to her orders and latched open the door quicker than I knew I could, gripping her back into my arms and putting her down into the passenger side as I straddled my legs around her hips, slamming the car door shut. She exposed her body to me while I focused on taking off my damp clothes, throwing them to nowhere in particular at all and attention still kept on Sara. The windows, I believe, were tinted enough so that no one could see us, not that I was really thinking about that right now.

I took her hot, rain-stained cheeks in my hand and pressed my mouth against her skin, body heat already warming up the car. I trailed my lips up to her temples near the corners of her eyes, biting on her ear and then to her jaw as I listened to her uncontrollable moans from her opened mouth.

Sara had her hands latched onto my hipbones as she pulled me closer against her and I was clearly driving her crazy. I was so turned on by her, listening to her trying to hold back her whimpers while she husked unsteady breaths in my ear. It wasn’t much longer until my mouth finally met hers; this kiss felt like so much more than earlier today. A huge weight had been lifted off of my chest; she was all mine now, nothing holding us back from being each other’s.

We were inseparable in that moment and I couldn’t take my lips off of hers, not even for a breath of air. We didn’t want to waste one more second without each other’s touch, not once breaking the kiss with our irrepressible moans and hums. I sucked her lower lip into my mouth and ran my unsteady fingers through her damp hair, earning another verbal inclination from her.

My lips stayed interlocked with Sara’s as I stroked my hands hard against her shoulders, appreciating her collarbones and then forcefully to her breasts, pushing them up against my hands. I felt her become weak and body tremble and she gripped hard onto my arms, fingers pressed against my ink that I got just for her. Her skin was damp against mine as I kissed my way down to her chest, biting at her pulse points and feeling her jerk against me.

“Mmm, fuck Tegan,” Sara moaned as she pulled my hair through her fingertips. “Fuck me, ugh, please fuck me Tee.”

I ignored her for a second as I kissed down her sternum between her breasts as I held them in my hands, massaging her nipples with my fingertips. I kept the bud of her nipple between my fingers and sucked it into my mouth, biting hard and flicking it with my tongue. Sara’s body jolted up and her hand slammed against the window as she released a loud, tortured whimper.

“Oh! Oh fuck!” She grunted under her breath, growing more impatient as I didn’t quite listen to her request for me to fuck her then and there.

“You want me to fuck you, Sare?” I reiterated as I kissed her trembling lips and then gave attention to her other breast, sucking the bud into my mouth and continuing to not give into her demand.

“Mmm,” she moaned in a begging tone now, gripping onto my forearms as I traced every bone of her body with my fingertips. I gave her one last kiss on the mouth before I stumbled off of her and maneuvered myself into the back seat of the car. I pulled the recliner of the passenger seat and caught Sara off guard.

“Tegan!” She shrieked as I pulled her arm to come sit on top of me. She had her bum pressed between my legs as I wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed down that back of her neck to her shoulders. I moved my hands as she grabbed onto them, letting them wander wherever they pleased.

“I’m never going to let you go, my love.” I pressed wet lips against her ear and whispered as I brushed my fingers along the outline of her breasts. She felt so fucking good; I missed feeling her body against mine. My chest was pressed against her back as I began to breathe heavier and slowly rolled the bud of her nipples against my fingers, earning a moan from her. I started to go a little faster and continued with my meek kisses against her skin, gently flicking my tongue and picking up my speed.

“You feel so good, baby. Do you like when I do that to you?” I asked her assertively, wanting to get more than a whimper from her this time and let her take down her walls. I could tell she was shy about where we were right now.

“Mhm,” she breathed against my ear, more than a whisper.

“Want me to go harder?” I breathed for consent in her ear again as I stroked my fingers and gently pulled at her lips.

Sara moaned again as she nodded her head with pressed lips, not wanting to be too loud right now. I could feel her body tensing up against me. I quickly pulled her hips closer to my centre as I put a hand back to her hard bud and the other down between her legs.

“Mmm,” Sara continued with a closed mouth as she lifted her hips and backed herself closer against me, letting me dip a finger into her. Sara shot her head back against my shoulder as I felt her body tighten and hips jerk against my hand.

“Holy fuck, Sara. You’re so fucking sexy.” I grunted as I sped up my thrust and stretched her pussy with a second finger. I listened to her become flustered, gripping my thighs on either side of her as I pressed harder against her nipple. She was cursing under her breath now mixed with panting my name.

Her body was starting to shudder so I put my palm on the back of her hand. She turned her palm to mine and squeezed back hard; she did that when she was close. I loved it when she did that; it made me feel like she knew she was always safe with me. If I weren’t so riled up in the moment she would have hurt me, but I squeezed back and kissed her hot cheeks.

“Is that pussy still mine, baby?”

“Fuck,” Sara panted uncontrollably into my ear as she shook against me, failing to keep her voice at a whisper. She pulled on my ear with her teeth, letting out a hot and bothered moan from her breath.

I pulled my fingers out and teased her clit, then spanking her thighs hard. I watched the torture grow on her impatient face as I went back to tease her. “Oh fuck, you feel so good. Is it mine, Sare? I want to hear you say it, baby.” Sara’s back arched as her body jerked against mine. I could feel her hot breath on my neck as her lips trembled at my skin.

“Mm, yes. You have all of me; I’m yours, Tee,” Sara moaned in my ear. She was so flustered that she couldn’t speak in full sentences, and I wasn’t going to make her. I wasn’t going to play games with her tonight. She sat on my lap as I took my time gliding my fingers up and down her inner thighs, already slicked in her arousal. Sara tensed up her jaw, mouth open and eyes staring lazily at my hands.

I felt her grab onto my wrists, stopping my rhythm and looking in my eyes sincerely and passionately. I took a deep breath in, smiling at her slowly as I exhaled out. Almost at a giggle as I felt the caress of her unsteady hands and looked into her eyes. She looked hopelessly in love and scared out of her mind at the same time. I couldn’t blame her.

She kept her hands on mine as I inched my face up to hers again. She didn’t let go as I ran my touch down her soft body while she stayed serious and quiet. I cupped my hand along her cheek, looking at her mouth and how much I wanted it against mine. I didn’t kiss her yet; we were too caught up in the fire in each other’s eyes.

I saw everything that I wanted in that moment. I want her forever; I want the good, bad, the ugly and everything in between. I want her fears, her dreams, her pain and her rapture. I want to know what makes her sad and all of the things in her life that had ever hurt her. I want to know every heartbreak and laugh about it with her because none of that means a thing now. Now that we are each other’s.

She’s mine and I’m hers.

I want to know what makes her tick just so I can watch that sexy angry look emerge in her eyes, just to get a rise out of her. I want her to come to me when life’s not going the way she planned, just so I can remind her everything’s going to be more than okay. I want to know what makes her laugh and smile uncontrollably so she’ll never be sad again. I want to give her butterflies and that adrenaline rush in the pit of her stomach and have that feeling never go away. I want to learn her and every last bit of her until the day I die. I feel so lucky to have captured her attention and that she adores me as much as I adore her. We will always be each other’s and that’s all we need.

Sara broke me from my thoughts as she smiled at me innocently, taking her hand to mine that held her face. I was lost in her golden depths now and she almost had me at a loss of breath, let alone my words. Her body was delicate against mine and her skin was getting hot, face becoming rosy and flushed as she remained quiet.

“I love you, Tegan Rain Quin.” Sara whispered against my hand, nothing but her purest sentiments laid out for me to see. She kissed my wrist and smiled bashfully, keeping her focus on my smitten eyes that stared back at her. She had my undivided attention.

I couldn’t be patient any longer, I put my other hand to hold her face and pulled her close to me. I closed my eyes and our mouths met in the midst of a sharp inhale. Her lips tasted so sweet and I could feel the growing flutter of adrenaline in my stomach. There was no more teasing and no holding back right now. Just as she started to kiss me harder, I pulled her leg over to the other side of my body so she was wrapped around me and I could hold her. I held her hips and pulled them closer to mine now that she was facing me, I couldn’t break the kiss even if I wanted to.

“I love you Sara,” I divulged in between breaths, so distracted by her that it almost slipped my mind that she told me she loved me. “Don’t you ever do that to me again, baby.”

“Tee,” she repeated my name under her breath, frantic that I brought up. “That’ll never happen again, I’m so fucking sorry. Sorry isn’t enough for what I did to you.”

“You know that you broke my heart, Sara?” Our hands were all over each other; emotions were on a high right now.

“Please don’t say that, Tee. I don’t want to be the one to do that to you. I’m not going anywhere; I promise, baby. I fucking love you so much.” Sara went on as she became intense, hands tightly onto my arms and mouth never detaching from mine.

“I don’t want you to promise me anything, Sara. I want you forever; I want you to know that. I want all of you, baby. I want everything.” I repeated again and again as I held her by her ribs, pressing her hips harder onto mine as our tongues battled for dominance.

“I want you, Tegan. I want you so fucking bad; I’m never going to do that to you again.” She promised again as I felt her breath hot on my face, sweat starting to break.

“Do you love me, Sara?” I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it a million times more.

“Yes,” she spoke heavily as we continued to make out.

“Tell me. Tell me that you love me,” I sharped.

 

“I love you,” she husked against my mouth as she pulled me with her as she laid her back down on the seat. She kissed me hard, sucking my lower lip into her mouth as she bit down. “I love you so much. Do you want me to show you how much I love you?”

I kissed her forehead and caressed her breasts as I got up and looked behind the seat for the suitcase that I didn’t bring in yet. I unzipped the bag and grabbed my strap-on, remembering that I had it there. Sara looked at me patiently, taking in a deep breath as she watched me put it on. She stroked her fingers up and down her body, feeling her erect nipples with a bitten lip and closed eyes. I watched her as she trailed her fingers down between her legs, circling her swollen clit and inching down to stretch herself.

I grabbed her hand and kissed her fingers that she touched herself with. “It’s okay, Sare. Just relax, babe.” Sara breathed in deep and nodded, eyes staring at me and then to the toy that I was about to put inside her.

I placed myself between her legs, gently holding her waist and caressing up to her ribs until I was close enough to kiss her on the mouth. Sara’s body tightened as I felt the toy hit just below her stomach, and I listened to her unsteady breathing.

“Sare,” I breathed her name on her neck as I kissed her there. “Relax, it’s okay. I’m here, baby.” I continued to swirl circles against her skin with my tongue to ease her. “So how are you going to show me?”

Sara breathed deep again, playing with my hair and directing my eyes into hers. The words were resting on her lips and she swallowed before she spoke. Her lips trembling as she searched into my eyes for answers that were beyond me. I kissed her gently and listened to her whimpers and watched the glistening grow in her ardent eyes.

“Take me,” she finally spoke. “Take me right here. I want you to feel me. I want you to feel how much I love you, Tee.”

Butterflies grew in my stomach at the sight of her, let alone her innocent, demanding words. I gave her one more kiss before I sat upright, kneeling between her legs. I took my hands to her shaking thighs, opening them further and hooked them at my shoulders. I didn’t need to touch her to know that she was so aroused and wet she was. The car smelled of Sara’s sex and her thighs were slicked with it, too.

She watched me unnervingly and impatiently as I took my time to touch her. I caressed my fingers along her thighs, covering them in her arousal and earning a whimper from her. She held onto my hand as I inched closer to her clit, rolling it between my fingers. She squeezed my hand tighter as I got closer to where she wanted me most.

Sara’s breaths grew heavier as she felt the pressure of my fingers at her opening, covering them more in her arousal before dipping them inside. She was begging for me to stretch her by the sound of her moans, but I wanted to go slow with her. She opened her legs wider, so I pushed them further with my hand that was at her thighs. My other hand was being pressed harder against Sara’s pussy and she was anxious for me to finger her.

“Tegan,” Sara whimpered as she rubbed her breasts with the hand that wasn’t aggressively onto mine. I watched the torture grow on her impatient face as she bit her lip and stared at the hands between her legs. “Please,” she tensed, “let me feel you, babe.”

Her back arched as I dipped two fingers inside to stretch her enough for the dildo, her hand guiding me into her body. I went slow as I filled her and hit her g-spot, gripping her by her thighs as her face grew flustered and body frantic.

“Is that good, baby?” I asked; I wanted to make sure I was hurting her or going too fast.

“Mm, yeah.” She panted as I pressed my thumb against her swollen clit and stroked her walls. “Kiss me.”

I did just what she asked and leaned my body into hers as I kept my fingers pleasing her between her spread legs. I moved her hand away from her breasts and gently bit her nipples as she pulled my hair with pleasured moans in my ear. I made my way up to her mouth, kissing her collarbones, shoulders and neck before doing so to her lips.

I watched Sara fight to keep her eyes from rolling back as she lethargically stared into mine, breaths uneven, as I kept my thrusts steady into her. I pulled out and gently massaged her clit with the soaked fingers I just had inside of her. I kissed her softly again, tasting her lips and then tasting her arousal on my fingers. I didn’t want to ruin the seats with her sex, not to mention I loved the way she tasted.

I lifted my hips and placed them overtop of hers; she had her hands tightly gripped onto my shoulders and fingertips digging into my skin. Her legs were wrapped around my hips as she pulled my closer with them, causing me to unintentionally run the toy up and down her wet pussy.

“Do you want me to fuck you like this tonight, Sara?” I asked her with a serious face; I know how much she likes it when I talk to her like that when we’re having sex.

“Mhm,” she hummed with pressed lips, looking down between her legs and somewhat nervous. I kissed her hot cheeks and then her lips, stroking her hair back gently as I watched her calm down.

“I love you, Sare. I’m here; it’s okay. Just relax, baby. I’ll go slow,” I repeated as I kissed her in between breaths in an attempt to ease her.

“I love you, baby,” she reciprocated back to me with her eyes still focused on the toy, licking and biting her lips.

“I’m gonna put myself inside you now, okay my love?”

Sara jerked one of her hands to the dildo, guiding me into her and slightly pushing me away so that I didn’t go too deep. “Mhm,” she let out a high-pitched moan against my cheek.

I listened to Sara’s innocent shrieks as we both watched the dildo press deeper inside of her. She slammed her head back and opened her mouth as she played with her clit, body jerking harder against me. Our bodies were close and intertwined; her fingertips were pulling at my hair while my arms were wrapped tightly around her body.

I was fully inside her now and Sara looked like she was at a loss of breath as she continued to pleasure herself with one hand, gripping onto me with the other. I slowly pulled out and watched her face grow in torture as I did, kissing her chest before putting myself back into her and reaching the end of my attachment again.

“Can I go faster, baby?” I asked for her consent before I continued to penetrate her.

I felt her hot breath whipping at my face as she narrowed her eyes and nodded impatiently. I took that and her sobs as permission to thrust into her faster. I opened up Sara’s legs so I could go deeper inside her as I sped up my rhythm. Our sweat-slicked bodies were hot against each other’s as I pounded into her pussy and watched her take it. Sara could barely speak and the frustrated, sinful expression on her face had me so turned on.

“Oh God, Sare. You’re so fucking dirty,” I grunted as I thrust in and out of her. She could barely speak and was too flustered. “I love you so fucking much. Your pussy feels so fucking good, baby.”

I watched Sara’s breasts bounce as I fucked her harder, trying not to hit her head against the window. I got off on her high-pitched whimpers as she cursed my named and held onto me harder. I could tell that she was close.

“I’m gonna,” Sara husked under her breath. “Oh fuck! Fuck me harder, Tee!”

“You like when I fuck your tight pussy like that, Sare?”

“Oh! Fuck!” Sara whimpered as she was about to be pushed over the edge.

“You’re such a good girl, baby. Come hard for me.”

Sara screamed my name mixed in with curse words, shooting her head back to the window as I pounded into her pussy so hard to let her come. Her body shook hard, hand slamming to the window as I watched her eyes roll back and mouth wide open, legs clasping tighter around me. Her body stayed tense but she stopped screaming as she kept her head and eyes rolled back. I could tell she didn’t come yet, but I couldn’t read the expression on her face.

“Sara?” I caressed my fingers along her ribs as her stomach was clenched, noticing that she had her gaze fixed on something that must have been distracting her. I leaned over to her face to see from her view what caught her attention.

I then noticed why Sara’s expression was the way it was; that was the last person I wanted to see us right now. She had her mouth covered and a look on her face that I never wanted to see from my mom, especially knowing that I was the cause.

“Oh my fucking god.”


	39. Conscience

**Sara**

My body was drained of all euphoria as I caught my mother’s chagrinned gaze. Her face was frozen and locked on our interlocking bodies, unable to look away.

Denial.

I couldn’t believe it either.

I wished this weren’t real—a figment of my imagination, a terrible nightmare, a hallucination, an illusion, something. Just please, not reality.

I could feel the adrenaline in Tegan’s chest as her body froze still above me; sweat dripping from her forehead to my chest. Her lungs were begging for air, but the state of shock rendering her breathless.

Petrified, I shut my eyes tight and pursed my lips together, trying to fight back tears, wishing this moment would all go away. I tightened my grasp on Tegan’s wrists, feeling sick to my stomach that my mom finally knew about our verboten affair.

I listened to the silence that made the moment painfully feel like forever. Tegan started to breathe again, voice breaking from her exhale. My eyes were still shut, but I knew she still couldn’t look at me. Not yet. This was too traumatic.

I mustered up my courage and looked up at my sister, still naked and attachment inside me. She was still there; I could tell by Tegan’s face that mom’s eyes were locked on her, terror being replaced with guilt, and shame with sadness. I felt like a bystander as I watched Tegan’s heartbreak and tears collect in her eyes, held back by pressed lips and furrowed brows.

My heart sank. I knew this day would come, but not like this.

“Mom,” Tegan whispered a cry from under her breath, eyes following her as she walked away. “I’m sorry,” her voice continued to break so quietly that I could barely make out her words. Tears fell onto my cheeks when Tegan finally blinked, no longer focused on mom.

She was gone.

Tegan was in her own world, barely noticing me as she pulled out and wiped away her tears. I didn’t say a word and let her have her space, mentally. Her silent cries turned into uncontrollable sobs as she opened up the unzipped suitcase and grabbing dry clothes.

“Here,” she mumbled as she set clean clothes on my lap, reaching for my hand as I took them. She caressed my palm with shaking fingers, caressing my knuckles with her thumb, then delicately to my fingertips. Tegan took a steady breath as she made eye contact with me, eyes watering again and she was in deep thought. She didn’t want this to be the end. Brushing away her thoughts, Tegan let go of my hand and looked back into the suitcase for something she could cover up with.

She picked up some clothes from the suitcase and took off the strap from between her legs, hiding it back where she found it. “Put your clothes on, Sara,” she stressfully and urgently demanded as she struggled to dress her wet body in the backseat of the car.

Tegan opened the car door and stepped out once she was clothed, barely acknowledging me as she walked toward the cottage door. I followed behind her; I could already see mom sitting at the dining room table. Tegan barely thought twice about opening the door, caressing my hand again and squeezing it tight. Letting go, she stepped in and held the door open for me as I followed.

I stayed weak by the entrance—cowering, small and submissive. I couldn’t look at mom; I froze at the sight of her, my body and mouth shaking. Tegan held my hand again for a second before walking closer to mom; she had zero reluctance. Mom was staring across the room in a blank stare, immersed in thought. She took a deep breath, covering her face in her hands while Tegan looked at her.

Tegan waited for mom to look up, but she kept her face buried. She became less and less patient. Heavier breaths filled the room, torturing me as I watched, anxious. The weight in the pit of my stomach became unbearable.

“Mom,” Tegan spoke abrupt and stern. I couldn’t breathe right now; I didn’t know where my puffer was. I tried my best to take as much air into my lungs as I could, but it was near impossible.

“Mom, look at me.” Tegan snapped, taking a step closer and prodding her hands on the table, “Look at your  _daughter_.”

My throat tightened at Tegan’s tone. I pulled my sweater sleeves up to my fists, hiding the mortified expression on my face. Through tear-stained eyes, I watched mom look up at Tegan.

I let out a sob when mom looked at me, overwrought and disarranged. I never wanted her to look at me like that. Body shaking, my heart ripped in half right then. Our eyes locking until her gazed finally lingered on Tegan.

Nothing was said. Tegan looked at mom long and unapologetically, while I couldn’t bare myself to see her. She waited impatiently for mom to speak, but I don’t know what Tegan was expecting from her right now.

“Tegan,” Mom quietly spoke, “what were you girls doing?” Her voice was soft and gentle, yet uneasy and reluctant.

“Let’s not dance around it, mom, you  _know_  what we were doing,” Tegan shot back, slowly, with anger in her tone.  _This isn’t the right time to be acting like this, Tegan,_  I thought to myself. I didn’t like where she was going with it. I could tell she was waiting for mom to continue. And when she didn’t, Tegan kept going.

“I fell in love with her, mom. I’m  _in_  fucking  _love_  with her. Is that what you wanted to hear?” Tegan emphasized the words. She raised her voice at our mom, who was shocked and in disbelief.

I didn’t want to be involved in this conversation. I wanted to hide, run away, anything but this.

Mom had tears in her eyes and she looked like she was ready to start sobbing. She looked at Tegan long and hard, forgetting I was here.

“Tegan,” she breathed, closing her eyes for a moment and looking back to her. “This is so wrong, this has to stop.”

“I lover her. I don’t care!” Tegan flinched her hands away just as mom tried to hold them, offering a sign of affection even though her words were strong.

“You can’t keep doing this, Tegan. It has to end _right_  now,” mom looked at Tegan with a serious expression that I haven’t seen in a long time. My heart started to race. Tegan wasn’t going to back down.

“We’re adults! We’re old enough to do what we want! This isn’t your decision! I can be with her if I want to,” Tegan was angry, yelling now. I felt a lump in my throat and she didn’t stop; it was only getting worse.

“You’re listening to me while you’re under my roof, Tegan. You’re not ever doing that again, do you hear me? Sara’s staying up here tonight. I want you in your own rooms from now on,” mom ordered, breaths catching up to her. Broken, helpless.

“No.”

“Tegan, you’re not going to keep doing th—.”

“I don’t care,” Tegan interrupted.

“Tegan, come here,” Mom tried to hold onto Tegan again, but she had just about lost it and continued to cut her off.

“I said I don’t fucking care!” I flinched at Tegan’s tone, anger roaring through her teeth. I thought she was going to hurt mom for a second. I could hear my heartbeat racing and pounding in my ears.

“Tegan, Sara’s your  _twin sister_!” Mom finally raised her voice back at Tegan. I felt my sleeves dampen and didn’t know how long I had been crying for. I could hear myself bawling loud now.

“You don’t fucking know anything, you don’t know what love is and it’s none of your fucking business anyway!” Tegan screamed and shot her hands up as she glared at mom.

I watched mom stare at Tegan, watching her daughter’s anger build. Mom took a step back to compose herself; I knew that look in her eyes as she calmed herself down before doing or saying anything that she’d regret.

“Tegan, baby,” mom cooed in a calm, gentle voice, inching her hand up toward Tegan’s arm.

“I’m not one of your patients, mom. Get your fucking hands off me!” Tegan shoved mom away forcefully and I jolted to them when I saw she was going to push her again. There was no part of mom that was going to fight back.

“Tegan!” I cried at the top of my lungs, as hard as they could allow, and gripped her shoulders from behind. “Tegan, stop! Tegan, please!” I yelled, fragile and weak, but she actually listened and turned to face me. She held my tear-stained cheeks, trying to wipe my tears but I pulled away too fast.

“Don’t touch me!” I shouted helplessly, fighting against her hands as she held onto me. Tegan didn’t let go; she didn’t realize how scared I was because she was so angry with mom. Tegan held on tighter, repeatedly telling me how much she loved me and that everything was going to be okay.

I became hysterical.

“Tegan! Let  _go_  of me!” I shrieked as I shoved her off of me, unintentionally slamming her body against the counter and smashing her head against the cabinets. I caught a glimpse of her anger turn to pain and hurt as I rejected her. Her emotions dominated over the physical pain I inadvertently caused, which I hoped wasn’t excruciating as soon as I realized what I had done. I was so worried about mom to really notice Tegan right now.

“Mom, I’m so sorry.” I cried out loud as I staggered away from Tegan’s still stature, apologizing aimlessly. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I deceived you, mom. I’m sorry this happened, this is all my fault. This isn’t what you wanted from me. I failed as a daughter. This is all my fault, I’m so sorry, mom. I love you. I love you, I’m sorry.”

I wept louder and scuttled faster down the hallway and ran to my room; I couldn’t handle this anymore. I could hear Tegan screaming at mom again from in here and it wasn’t putting me at ease. With my last bit of energy, I pushed my bedroom door shut. I dampened my sleeves more with my tears; my eyes were becoming restless now. I pulled the blankets out from underneath the pillows and hid in them.

I had exhausted my mind and body from the anxiety I kept in the pit of my stomach. I had been anticipating for this moment to come where mom would finally find out, but I never once considered her reaction. I could never bring myself to thinking of how much we could have ever hurt her. Mom seemed damaged beyond words, more than I could have ever imagined.

_Please stop, Tegan. Please._


	40. Giant

**Sonia**

I held a tight grip on my daughter’s wrists until she calmed down, which wasn’t going to be for a while. Even though my focus was on Tegan, my consciousness was there to notice that Sara had left in complete panic and dismay. Tegan, of course, wasn’t fully present enough to notice—she would have run after her if she did.

Sara never wanted to disappoint me as a daughter—when she rejected her university acceptance into law school to pursue a music career, when she came out as gay—she always felt like she had failed me, in which I would constantly and gladly reassure her that I was nothing but proud of her. I could tell what she was thinking the minute she looked at me. That expression had become far too familiar. What hurt her the most was my finding out about them.

But this situation was ten-fold.

“Mom!” Tegan broke me from my thoughts as she growled, “Let go of me!” She tried to break free from my hold, but even in her manic state she couldn’t follow through.

“It’s okay, Tegan,” I spoke quietly, gently pulling her wrists and tugging at her elbows so that she would come closer to me. She stared at me with animosity in her eyes for a split second. Then I watched her expression turn as she shut her eyes tight, so exhausted of her anger that she finally broke down into sobs. I caught her just before her body gave out and collapsed to the floor.

I held her tight and hugged her close—despite her rebuff, that’s exactly what she needed right now. I gave her the unconditional love and affection that I promised her I would always have for her, even in a time like this.

“Mom, please,” she begged and cried, jutting her fists against my shoulders. “Please let me go,” Tegan’s voice was feeble and weak, just more than a whisper.

Drained and weary, I carried Tegan over to the living room and sat her down on the couch with me, cradling her into my arms as she cried quietly and uncontrollably. I didn’t say much after that—she couldn’t handle anything more after tonight, even though I had a million questions as to how this happened and the ache in my stomach urging to tell her again and again that this has to stop.

My heart broke as I watched my daughter’s body heave up and down from the distress that tonight caused. In my best attempt to calm her down, I gently massaged her shoulders and smoothed her hair away from her damp face with my hands.

Tegan bawled harder and her sobs grew louder. I hoped Sara had fallen asleep by now. My poor babies—I didn’t know what to do in this situation I never expected to face.

I felt useless.  

_Do I let them be? Do I intervene? Do I tell anyone?_

I’m a therapist—I should know how to handle this. I was hating myself for feeling so paralyzed.

“Tegan, baby, stop crying. It’s over now, everything’s going to be okay,” I gently cooed, trying my best to calm her down and putting aside my feelings on this whole situation. Not like I can even comprehend what that is right now.

“I’m sorry,” she continued to cry, barely catching a breath. There was nothing worse than hearing your child cry and seeing them feel that much hurt. “Sara’s right, we failed you as daughters. We’re disgusting! We’re fucking disgusting!”

I was wrong—seeing the guilt and shame on their faces and knowing that I caused it,  _that_  was worse.

“Don’t you ever say that, Tegan. You’ll never do wrong in my eyes—can you go to sleep now? You need to rest, my dear.”

“It hurts,” her voice shook in shame as she scrunched her face, tears falling from her made-up depths and hands drawn to her stomach. “It hurts so bad. I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I pushed you, mom.”

Tegan turned on her side and curled up towards me. Her face was buried now against my shirt.

“Shh, just sleep, Tegan.”

\--

**Tegan**

My body jolted up and off the couch as soon as my ears heard the sound. I knew that distressed cry like the back of my hand.

It was Sara.

She must have been having a nightmare. And I must have fallen asleep next to mom.  _Oh mom, how I love you so much,_ I thought to myself as I watched her peaceful face and unperturbed body, arms cradled as if she were still calming me to sleep.

If I had ever crossed paths with unconditional love before, this was it.

I stood in appreciation as I watched her sleep and fell deep in my thoughts. I could feel the dried tears on my cheeks now as my eyes caught sight of the matching gleam on her wrists and tear-stained sleeves, remembering how she wiped my tears while I uncontrollably cried myself to sleep.

“I love you, mom.”

Sara’s disturbed screams brought my attention back to her and the reason I launched up from the couch in the first place. I ran over to her room and pushed the door open, somewhat loudly in my lack of thoughtfulness to mom. The moonlight shone through her window, so I left the lights off and I was just able to make her out enough in the dark.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Sara screamed, she was still sleeping and had herself wrapped in a fetal position. “Please stop, she doesn’t want you! Please, no! Get off of me!”

“Sara!” I shouted, trying to keep my voice at a whisper, but an explicit fail. I pulled the covers off of her and pulled her upright. With her back against my chest, I tried to wake her as fast and gently as I could. I grabbed her waist and pulled her between my legs as I sat with her against the headboard.

“Baby, it’s me,” I held her hands and wrapped them around her waist, talking unobtrusively and steady in her ear while massaging her thumbs. “Hey, I’ve got you. It’s okay,” I squeezed her waist tighter and brushed my cheek against hers. She had been crying too, her face was damp and gently stuck to mine through fresh tears.

“Wake up, Sare.” I massaged her ribs, knowing that usually calmed her down a bit. I grabbed her jaw and tilted her face to mine, “No one’s going to hurt you, baby. You’re safe, you were just having a bad dream.”

She cried harder as she opened her eyes. I could feel her body shaking against my chest as her glossy hazel orbs stared into mine. I took a deep breath in through my nose and kept massaging her body.

“Tegan?”

“Yeah, Sare. It’s okay. You’re okay, baby.”

Sara grabbed my hands from her body and dropped them to my sides as she turned to face me. I could tell her face was heavy and holding in more sobs than she let out. I looked at her for permission before I put my arms above her hips, just at the small of her back. I wasn’t myself a few hours ago, and when her mind was off of her nightmare I wasn’t sure what she thought about me right now.

I clasped my arms around her as she gave me a nod of approval with tight lips and stared into my eyes with glistening depths. She bucked up her hips harder against me and hugged her arms around my neck as she broke down.

“Oh, Tegan.”

Only Sara could make me cry in an instant like this.

I lifted my knees up which pulled her chest right up against mine, wrapping her legs tighter around me as I kept my hands on her bum.

“Are you okay, Sara?” I asked, voice shaky, fingering the material of her silk shorts.

She still had her head against my shoulder and I could feel her shaking it up and down.

“I’m sorry, did I hurt you? I’m so sorry I acted like that.”

“You know I forgive you, Tegan. I know you didn’t mean it. You were scared, I love you no matter what,” she said to me in broken sentences with tears in her eyes. Sara sniffled and brushed her fingers through my hair, holding my face in her hands and studying my face. “Why are you crying, Tee?”

“I’m crying because you’re crying. I can’t stand to see you cry, Sare. It just hurts me when I see you like that. I just want to see you happy,” I cried a little bit harder as I continued. “And I’d love to be a part of your happiness. We’ve made such a mess of this.”

I think I caught Sara off guard when I said that, but in no means did I imply that we should end what we have. We just got it back. We’d made a promise to each other that we’d love each other no matter what obstacle came into our path.

“I  _am_  happy, Tee. You  _are_  a part of that happiness. You make me so happy,” she repeated as she smoothed her fingers along my jaw. “I’m just exhausted.”

“I know.”

Tears filled my eyes more as we stared at each other, holding each other as if it were the end—which I can assure you it was nowhere near that. The sound of our shaking arrhythmic breaths and Sara’s loud heartbeat filled the room. She was still trying to process the fact that her nightmare wasn’t real.

“Come here, baby,” I hugged and squeezed her as tightly as I could like I never wanted to let her go. I just wanted to hold her right now—no conversations, no discussions, I just wanted to appreciate and calm her. I felt her body writhe up and down from all the trauma that she was finally taking in. I had one hand pulling her into me on her lower back and the other on the back of her head, fingers through her hair. Her bare thighs were wrapped around me while I kissed the salty tears on her warm cheeks.

“Lindsey’s gone, Tee.” Sara kept her face on my shoulder as she spoke through her cries, “She’s just…gone.” She sounded stunned as she said it, like when you realize someone can live a life on this earth and then one day just disappear and everything changes in a split second.

“I know, baby. The worst is over; she can’t hurt us anymore.”

I kissed her cheeks again, trying my best to slow her heart as it pounded hard against my chest. Sara had her arms hugged so tight around me that I had to loosen her grip.

I wasn’t going anywhere.

A lot has happened today, and a lot has changed. Emotions were on a high. We just came from Paris this morning on Colin’s private jet, to the cottage where we watched Lindsey’s macabre demise and caught having sex in the car by our mom—this was a giant to take in.

“Tegan?” I felt the weight of Sara’s head come up off from my shoulder as she breathed in my ear, noticing now that my shirt was a little damp from her tears.

“Yeah, Sare?”

“Do you think we can ever be together?” Her question caught me off guard. She sounded weak and defeated, like all hope and belief for us in her eyes was gone.

“Listen to me, Sara.” Serious, I squeezed her hands and caressed her knuckles with my thumbs. “I’m never going to give up on us, I believe in us. I’m going to fight for you and I always will. Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how crazy I am about you? Do you know how beautiful you are to me? We  _are_ together; we’re  _in this_ together. You and I, no matter what.”

Sara pressed her lips together as she listened to me go on and on, passion and ferocity burning in my eyes as I shook her hands with each question.

“Do you understand, baby?” I asked her again, somber, as I shook her hands once more.

“What about mom?”

“What  _about_  mom, Sare?” That wasn’t important right now; she was missing my point.

“She doesn’t want us together. If she sees that you’re in my room…”

“She’ll be fine. It’s just a lot for her to take in right now—I’d do anything to change the way she found out about us…” I trailed off in thought, mortified that she caught me having sex with Sara in the backseat of the car like that. Not to mention that was  _her_ car. If only we could have sat her down and if there were at some point a right time to tell her, but there was never going to be. There definitely could have been a better way than that.

“She loves us no matter what, Sare. You know that right? She said we could do no wrong in her eyes. She’s always going to love you.” Although I fought mom as she told me this, slowly I started to believe it.

Sara didn’t say anything and was lost in her own thoughts. Needless to say, she wasn’t convinced; she chose to believe her own presumption that mom was going to be ashamed forever.

I took Sara by the waist and laid her down on the bed, giving her a delicate kiss on the mouth. “You’re right, Sare. You  _are_ exhausted; you need to sleep. It’s been a really long day.” I kept a hand between her head and the pillow, and the other massaging her soft legs as I pulled the covers over us.

“You’re staying?” Sara had a slight panic to her tone, “What if mom comes in?”

“Relax, Sare. You can just blame it on me. Besides, she’ll understand.”

My words gave Sara some sense of comfort, surprisingly. She was always so difficult to calm down, but I think she barely had any more cares to give today. I pressed my palms gently up and down her legs and continued to massage circles into her skin.

“Does that feel good, my beautiful girl?” I asked, kissing the corners of her eyes and drying the last bit of tears on her face.

“Mm, yeah,” she hummed as she started to finally close her eyes and I kissed her for the millionth time today. I set my leg between her thighs as I worked my way up her body to caress her, keeping my kisses light and affectionate.

She looked so pretty.

I listened to her hums and body language to learn which parts of her body calmed her down most when I touched them. I could feel her body stretch against mine as I added pressure between her legs. I slid my hand underneath her silk shorts and squeezed her bum, earning a breathy moan from her as she arched her back and wrapped her leg around me.

I nibbled on her ear and whispered my affection for her, moving my hand to her calf and gently resting her leg back beside mine. She had her hand on my forearm and was hugging my body now as she slowly fell into a light sleep. I watched her innocent face as she tilted her chin up, opening her mouth to let out small, relaxed moans. I trailed my kisses down to her jaw and then her neck as I lifted her sweater and held her warm, tranquil body.

“Keep your eyes closed, Sare, I want you to be comfortable,” I breathed against her neck as I continued to kiss her there and back up to her sleepy face. Sara had her arms wrapped around me and rested her head on my shoulder. I loved falling asleep to the sweet hums in her voice as she peacefully slept.

I hugged her back, but tighter. I wanted her to feel relaxed and make sure she didn’t have another bad dream. I’d stay here all night with her. I thought about how happy she made me as I kissed her forehead, hoping tomorrow would be a better day for her. I stayed up a little bit longer to make sure she had fallen asleep, and then I could rest.

Finally.

I’d be the luckiest girl if she were laying here with me like this every night. I couldn’t put into words how happy Sara made me. I’d spend forever learning every last bit of her and letting her know I love her in every way possible.

Forever sounds good to me.

“Tegan, are you in there?”

Reality set back in, I almost forgot this was forbidden. I heard the bedroom door open a crack; mom’s delicate voice a whisper.

“Uh, yeah mom,” I felt a little nervous and spoke as quiet as possible since Sara had just fallen asleep.

Mom creaked open the door a bit further and treaded lightly over to my bedside. She gave me a disappointed look with a tone that matched.

“Tegan.”

“I know,” I spoke with guilt flooding my voice. “I heard her screaming and it woke me up,” I reasoned. “She had a nightmare; she just fell asleep.”

“Sara, my baby,” mom breathed out as she caressed my sister’s hand that was wrapped tightly around my waist. I could tell mom was having an internal dispute with herself and didn’t know what to do.

“Tegan,” she repeated my name again, “you know you shouldn’t be in here.”

I didn’t know what to say. I had nothing in response to that; I know I went against my mom’s wishes, but I couldn’t leave Sara.

“I’m sorry, mom.”

Silence filled the room. Neither of us wanted to be having this conversation right now. Even in the darkness I could feel her looking at me, trying to find the right thing to say.

“Tell me what to do, Tegan.” Mom was more serious than before, and I could have sworn she was almost crying.

I took a deep breath, keeping my arms wrapped around Sara. I wanted this night to be over. It’s been going on too long and I just wanted to fall asleep in peace next to her.

“I love her, mom. I love her so much,” I repeated hopelessly, she absolutely didn’t want to hear that over and over again. “We can’t not be together. That’s not an option. There’s nothing you can do, I’m sorry. I’m staying here with Sara tonight, she needs me.”

Mom looked at me right in the eyes and didn’t say a word, an expression of benevolence coming onto her face. She moved her hand from Sara’s to mine, squeezing it tight.

“You know I still love you girls the same.”

“Oh.” I didn’t expect that. I felt the tears coming again as I scrunched my face and pursed my lips. “I love you, mom,” I sniffled, showing how grateful I was to have a mom who gave such unconditional love.

“You can stay here tonight, Tegan.” Mom allowed, with a hesitant look creeping onto her face, “Just please don’t let me find you girls indecent like that ever again.”

Heat blazed my cheeks and anxiety shot through my core, “Uh, yes. Okay. Never again.”

 

I watched as mom walked towards the door, wishing she never caught us  _indecent_  like that. I was mortified, but mom kept calm, words short as she shut the door behind her.

“Goodnight, Tegan.”

“Goodnight, mom.”


	41. Limits Part I

Sara

I felt good.

A much needed rest, but I’m feeling better now. I stretched my body, opening my eyes and rubbing them with one hand. The other was held tight by Tegan as she slept. I think she was on cloud nine that we could finally sleep together without any ultimatums or guilt.

Maybe that’s why she fought to stay in my room. Regardless, she looked so peaceful and happy and I loved that.

The morning sun shone through and heated my face. I knew it would wake Tegan soon, too. I tried to strategically make my way out of bed without waking her; I wanted her to get all the rest she could. Escaping without her noticing was easier said than done, though, when she had me wrapped so tightly in her arms.

I managed to get out of bed successfully. I tiptoed to the bookshelf to grab a book I haven’t read in a long time, The Invention of Solitude by Paul Auster. I remember how much this book moved me the first time I read it. To write so intensely and honestly about a family member seems to me a terribly brave thing to do.

I heard Tegan shifting around under the covers so I moved quickly out of my room before I could wake her.

Ugh, this door, I hated it. It never shut properly. I stood outside of my room pulling at it as quietly as I could but hard enough so I could close it. My hand was on the knob, turning it until it did and the other holding the novel.

“Ah!” I shrilled, startled by mom’s hand on my shoulder and then by the loud thud as the door shut.

“Oh!” My voice continued on its high-pitched streak, “Hi! I was just, uh…”

“Good morning, sweetie. It’s okay, I know Tegan stayed in your room,” mom’s voice was calm and warm in attempt. Maybe she knew how sensitive I was about this whole thing and what she thought of me. She always knew how to take herself out of the situation, feelings and all. Her opinion on us was completely unknown to me and would be until she decided to let me in.

“Oh, um,” I looked around, stuttering, voice back to a normal pitch. “Okay.”

“You reading that outside? It’s a beautiful day already,” Mom smiled lovingly, no elephant in the room, even though in my head there was.

“Yeah,” I tried to let my guard down as I smiled.

“I made breakfast, a little bit of everything, come have some before you go outside!” I could hear the excitement in her voice as she danced over to the dining room table as she set everything on the table. One of her passions was cooking and she was really good at it.

“Well, you know I can’t resist pancakes,” I replied, eyeing that and the rest of the delicious food she had set out.

I pulled out a chair while mom poured me a glass of orange juice and sat next to me. I grabbed a bit of everything to put on my plate: scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, fruit and of course the pancakes. I made note of the silence as I scratched my fork and knife together and got anxious. I cleared my throat, fixed my hair, played with my hands, everything I do when I feel awkward.

It was just me that felt it, though, but mom was quick to notice.

“Wanna talk about it, Sare?”

My breath felt useless in my lungs if it was even still there. My puffer was never in sight when I needed it lately, I should bring that thing everywhere I go from now on. I stared down at my plate and the piece of food on my fork.

“I don’t know,” I didn’t look up as I responded, trying to find my breath. “Do you?” I asked, vulnerably, slowly looking up at mom.

“What happened?” Mom asked, genuinely and with a curious tone.

‘I just…saw her differently,” I tried to make sense of it all, but I barely could.

“You fell in love with her?”

“Yeah.”

“How’d she find out?”

I swallowed my food as I paralyzed into a blank stare, sort of dazed but in awe of how far this whole thing had really come. I can’t believe I was confessing this to mom, and without Tegan.

“She read my journal,” I looked up at mom. “I didn’t want her to know. I was embarrassed,” I lingered for a while as I stared back to my plate. “Obviously.”

Mom didn’t say anything. She just sat quietly and listened, waiting for me to speak again. She could see that I was reluctant explaining it to her so she took my hand in hers.

“She noticed I was acting strange, so I guess that’s why she read it.”

Mom caressed her fingers over my knuckles, pressing her lips together as she looked at me dead in the eyes.

My mind went back to everything Tegan and I have gone through to get to this point. Our breakups—I would have done anything to not hurt Stacy the way I did. And having to see Tegan get treated like that by Lindsey: cheated on, raped, her threatening me, and now her death. We’ve probably driven the guys nuts with our romance, come to think of it we never told them we were leaving for a few days. In spite of it all, I am so grateful the tour hasn’t been compromised.

“And here we are,” I clued back into the present and away from my thoughts. Mom looked at my cheek and back to my eyes. I must have been crying.

She kept looking at me and I became self-conscious; I felt I had to speak or break eye contact. I couldn’t stop thinking of what mom thought about me after telling her all this—and worse—after her seeing us in the car last night.

“What are you thinking, mom?”

“I don’t know, baby.” Mom shook her head, tears birthing from her eyes, too.

“Oh. Do you still love me?” I asked, vulnerably, but I had to know.

Mom furrowed her brows and her eyes were instantly sympathetic. I must have caught her off guard. She took both of my hands in hers and kissed them.

“Sara, of course I still love you,” I must have looked really serious because she was trying so hard to reassure me. “You’re always going to be my beautiful baby girl.”

I could feel the tears running down my face now after hearing her answer. I don’t know what I expected her to say, actually. How did I get so lucky?

“I love you, mom. You’re too good to Tegan and I.”

“You’re not hard to love, baby.” Mom said as she kissed me on the forehead.

That made me smile.

I pulled out my chair and grabbed our dishes. My breakfast was only half-eaten, but so much was going on that I just didn’t have my usual appetite. Mom understood and didn’t comment; she knew I’d want some time alone on a tough day like this, just me and a book.

Mom was right, it was only nine in the morning and it was already gorgeous outside. As soon as I looked out through the clear sliding door, the sun’s rays hit my eyes and nearly blinded me. I grabbed my book and quietly slid the door closed behind me.

I made my way down the uneven stone steps overlooking the lake. I was a sucker for scenic views and could never get tired of this one—the way the sun shimmered overtop of the waves as they came in, the crisp smell of pine cones fresh from trees and the chirping hums of birds and flickering wings as they flew—this was home.

Home felt good.

I was already in my own little world. I pulled off my sweater before I sat onto the hammock; it was much too warm for that. I wasted no time and stuck my nose into the book as soon as I got comfy, putting my sweater underneath my head for support and eyes shaded by my glasses.

A few chapters into the book and I felt at ease. I felt excitement in my tummy as I got to my favourite parts of the book and picked up on new things. I was too involved in the story to crowd my mind of anything that would give me anxiety right now. Maybe a part of it, too, was because mom accepted Tegan and I’s relationship better than I ever would have expected. Regardless, I was happy in this moment.

At least an hour, maybe even two, must have passed because my shoulders were getting a little rosy. That was the first thing since I picked up my book to distract me, but it was getting a little hotter now. I smoothed down my silk shorts and played with the string around my waist, tying them a little tighter and noticed that my legs haven’t burned yet. Thank god. I didn’t wanna go back in, maybe I’d regret it later. I wanted to stay out here until night.

“Good book, my beautiful girl?” I was almost startled until I felt palms massaging my shoulders; I knew that touch like the back of my hand.

I blushed, holding back a smile at the corners of my lips. I shut my eyes and let out a small giggle and closed the book to the cover.

“Oh, your favourite,” Tegan spoke in a sweet, low tone, kissing the top of my head and moving her arms to mine. She held both of my hands from behind and wrapped me in a hug.

“Hey! I lost my spot!” I gripped her hands harder and squeaked my voice at her.

“Calm down, Sare,” Tegan laughed, keeping one hand in mine as she came up on the hammock to sit beside me. “One-eighty-six. See I prepare for these things. I know when you’re gonna get mad at me.”

I rolled my eyes at her, still trying to fight back a smile. “Well, okay then.”

“Did you just roll your eyes at me?” Tegan laughed as she nudged my legs and lingered to caress them. She picked up the book and opened it, flipping the pages in awe of how much I had read. “Don’t tell me you just started reading that today, Sare.”

She thinks I read too much.

I finally let out a smile. I couldn’t help loving her soft touch and playful tone, “I did.”

“What a nerd.”

I rested my head on Tegan’s chest as she put her arm around me, no longer needing my sweater as a pillow. I held onto her arms and kissed her knuckles, grabbing my book with the other.

“Keep reading, baby. I just want to be out here with you, I won’t distract you.”

“Okay.”

-

My eyes felt heavy and were starting to shut, startling me and causing me to launch my head back up to look around. Tegan had her arms around me, hands loosely gripping my shirt at my ribs. I put my book beside me on the hammock and curled up into Tegan, hugging her warm body. I looked up at her to kiss her jaw and noticed that she didn’t look very comfortable. I tried to be really quiet when I moved her arm out from underneath me and brought her body closer to mine.

“Hmm,” she hummed as she turned to her side to hug me, pressing her face against my clothes. She must have been half awake now since she grabbed my hand and interlaced it with hers. I heard her murmur “Mine” as she pulled it close to her chest. I put my arm around her as I kissed the top of her head as she rested it on me.

“I love you Sare baby,” Tegan murmured again as she took my hand tighter to hers.

I couldn’t help but let out a smile and a giggle; I thought it was one of the most adorable things about her that not only she talked in her sleep but also she tells me that she loves me even when she’s not fully conscious.

“I love you so much, Tee,” I breathed as I brushed my fingers through her hair, which was getting a lot longer now.

“I love you, too, Sare,” she repeated, conscious now as she made eye contact with me through heavy eyelids. “Why aren’t you sleeping, babe?”

“Oh, sorry, Tee. I didn’t mean to wake you. I was reading.”

“You were reading? It’s like 7pm now. You’re not done yet?.” Tegan looked at me, more awake now and eyes wide open.

“Oh,” I looked around just as Tegan gestured me too. The sun was just starting to set. “Oops.”

Tegan lazily climbed on top of me and kissed me, biting my lower lip as she pulled herself away from me, smiling. “Only you, Sare.”

That was our first kiss today, I thought to myself as I propped myself up onto my elbows and grinned back at her. “At least I didn’t sleep all day,” I teased.

Tegan’s legs were on either sides of my hips as she pressed her hands onto my thighs, just underneath my shorts. “Oh yeah? Well I was tired!” She grinned as she put pressure onto my thighs, squeezing them impishly.

I giggled back at her playful tone as I grabbed her wrists, getting nervous in the back of my mind that maybe mom could see us.

Tegan was reckless about us.

She smiled at me, patiently waiting for my eyes to meet hers. She knew it made me a little anxious that she was touching me in an almost sexual way, and I could tell by her expression she was about to tell me not to worry.

“It’s okay, Sare. You know it’s okay,” Tegan was a little more serious now and I was still looking into the distance. “She loves us no matter what, you know?”

“Yeah,” I licked my lips, looking down at our hands and eventually up to her. “She told me that.”

Tegan was always surer of herself than I was, I really did love that about her. And sometimes I was a little envious of that; I wasn’t afraid to admit it. I was definitely the stubborn one.

“It always seems worse in your head,” she reassured me. “But it’s not real. It’s just fear.”

And Tegan was the logical one. I smiled at her and didn’t say anything, she was always right. But I would definitely never admit that to her.

“I always wonder what’s in that mind of yours, it’s always going a mile a minute,” Tegan continued through my silence and giggled at me, face turning somewhat serious.

“What?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Why do you even ask—” she pulled my chin to hers and pressed her mouth against mine before I could even finish answering her. Her other hand was still underneath my shorts. I put my hands at her waist and wanting to bring her closer, but still a little nervous mom may have been looking out from inside.

“I love your mouth, Sare.” She remarked between kisses, turning me on a little and causing me to let out a high-pitched moan.

Tegan broke the kiss and pulled away from my face, fervor in her eyes and lust on her lips. She kept making me smile today; the butterflies weren’t going away.

“What?” Her serious expression turned to light-hearted as she contemplated mine.

“Kiss me again,” I demanded breathlessly.

I could feel the energy become passionate as she studied my face before doing as I asked. She wanted to kiss me, but for some reason she was holding back. She did that sometimes and it only drove her crazier, another thing she does that I love about her.

Tegan took her thumb to the corner of my mouth and focused on my lips. I started breathing a little heavier as she parted my lips with her finger. I watched the prurience grow on her face, making my heart pump a little faster.

She kissed me hard, opening my mouth with her thumb as her hand cupped my jaw. She prompted me to sit up as she pressed her body closer to mine. Her hand grabbed my bum harder, pulling my legs around her body and shooting pleasure up my core as she unintentionally brushed herself against my clit through my shorts. I let another high-pitched moan escape from my lips, interrupting our kiss.

Tegan grunted when she heard me and pushed my head back so I was comfortable, and of course to expose my neck, which I knew she was dying to kiss. I loved it when she kissed my neck, too. My pleasured whimpers turned to masochistic sobs as her sucking turned to biting, causing me to tighten my legs harder around her and eventually twitch against her.

“Oh fuck Sare,” I could feel her smiling against my neck as she continued to kiss it. “I love your neck, you’re so beautiful, babe.”

“Mmm, it feels so good, Tee,” I reassured her as if she didn’t know from my body language already. I didn’t want her to be giggling right now; this was serious.

Tegan slid her fingers across the insides of my legs, focusing on my panties and making me impatient. She divided the material from my skin with her fingers, eager to go inside.

I grabbed her wrists on impulse when it became too much. “Not here, baby,” I spoke anxiously, holding onto her inked arms.

“I know, fuck.” Tegan was agitated that she knew I was right, no matter how forgiving and loving mom was.

There was so much tension and frustration between us right now. We didn’t want a repeat of being caught; I think we learned our lesson about that the first time—not to mention the hard way.

“We’ll have time when we go back, Tee.” My chest was heaving up and down now, breathless, as I pressed my body against her and squeezed her arms tighter. My words didn’t match my actions.

Tegan squeezed back, gripping my thighs and didn’t want to admit to the truth either. “Uh-huh,” she spoke with distraction.

This was hard.

Our eyes met, sympathizing over this situation and listening to our breaths synchronizing. Tegan let out a deep sigh through her nose. Pursed lips and raised brows and shrugging her shoulders.

“I hate this. I just want to make love to you in your warm bed, not some fancy hotel or in the back of a car,” Tegan continued to complain, gently caressing up my body once I let go of her wrists. She ended at my hands, taking them into hers and kissing my palms delicately.

“What?” Tegan questioned when my gaze broke from hers and fixated on something behind her. I could see from the corner of my eye that she was still looking, waiting for me to answer. But I got distracted.

Tegan finally looked back once she noticed I wasn’t going to clue into her question. We were quiet again, taking in how long it has felt since we’ve been here as we stared at the empty ash-filled fire pit. The sun had past set, crickets were out. It was almost pitch black, but the stars.

“Come on, Sare, let’s go inside.” Tegan climbed off the hammock with urgency, my hand still in hers. She was being really protective right now. I gripped her hand back tight and followed close to her, latching onto my book before she pulled me away.

The vibe changed really quickly, but maybe because I didn’t actually clue in to the fact that it was dark out until I finally took my eyes off of Tegan. She watched me close behind her, making sure I came up the steps okay. I wasn’t going to say anything, but she was being a little overdramatic. It wasn’t like Lindsey was going to appear out of nowhere or something.

“You okay, baby?” Tegan asked, I could feel her urgency and worry in her clammy hands as she helped me up the stairs.

“Yeah.”

My hand was still interlocked in hers, and not by choice anymore. Tegan opened the sliding door and gestured for me to go in first, using extra caution toward me. She shut the door once she came in, looking outside once again as she double-locked the door and drew the curtain.

“Tegan.”

“Yeah,” she responded in a monotone, continuing a thorough search from inside the cottage.

“Uh,” I looked down to our hands, it almost hurt now how hard she held it. She was really tense and it showed in her energy and her grip.

Tegan took her other hand to mine now and caressed my knuckles. “Oh! Sorry, Sare. I didn’t realize—”

“You girls were out there forever.” Tegan jumped and slammed her back against the sliding door, turning to mom after gasping out of fear. She finally let go of my hand; not because of mom being there, but because she was so startled.

Mom put her hand on Tegan’s arm, “I’m sorry, Tegan. I didn’t mean to scare you. Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Tegan took a much-needed breath before replying. “Yeah. Sorry, mom. We’re good.”

Mom smiled and went in to hug Tegan. “Okay, good,” she spoke slowly as she rubbed her back and kissed her cheek. “I love you so much, sweetheart. You girls have a good night.” Mom pulled me in for a hug next, kissing me on the cheek like she did Tegan, “I love you, too, Sara. I’ll see you girls in the morning before you leave.”

That’s right, we were leaving tomorrow. I’ll get a hold of Colin first thing in the morning. I just want to enjoy this quiet night with Tegan and calm her down. No distractions. Nothing. Just us.

“Oh, right. We’re leaving tomorrow. Okay, goodnight mom, I love you, too.”

Mom caressed my cheek and smiled as she let go of me. It was quiet while she walked over to her bedroom and gently shut the door.

“You okay?” I cupped Tegan’s face with my hands, directing her attention up to my face instead of the floor. I wanted her to feel safe, too.

“Yeah, I just had a moment. I’ll be okay in a bit. Thank you,” Tegan forced out a smile, trying to reassure me although she was still a little shaken up. She was strong; I knew she was going to be okay soon. She held onto my hands, removing them from her cheeks as she kissed my palms again. I don’t know why, but that always made me blush when she did that.

I kept her hand in mine and led her to my room just across the kitchen. I latched onto the doorknob and about to turn it, but Tegan seemed resistant. She grabbed my hand and took it off of the knob, pinning me gently against the door.

“Let’s go to my room tonight.”

I swallowed so hard that I’m sure Tegan heard it, possibilities filling my mind of things we would be nuts to pursue.

“Okay.”

Tegan put her hands underneath my bum to pick me up and I wrapped my legs around her. She gave me a tasteful kiss on the mouth and carried me through the kitchen, making her way over to the stairs that go down to her room.

“You’re getting heavy, Sare,” Tegan quipped.

“I’m the exact same size as you, you butt!” I shouted quietly, trying not to wake mom, but punching her shoulder as I did.

“You’re an inch shorter than me if we’re being exact.” Tegan laughed at my weak attempt at a hit and furrowed her brows, caught off guard. “Did you just call me a butt?”

“Yes,” I wrapped my arms and legs tighter around her. I couldn’t help but giggle at her confused expression as I booped her on the nose, “You’re a butt.”

“No, that’s you.”

“Tee! Be careful!” I shrieked as she carelessly carried me down the stairs and purposely trying to frighten me. Tegan kept laughing as I squeezed onto her tighter, “Don’t let go of me! I’m serious!”

She threw me down onto the bed, unclasping my bra from underneath my shirt and slipping it off. She cupped my breasts from overtop of my shirt and kissed along my jaw until she was at my mouth. I couldn’t help but let out a whimper between our kiss, she tasted so good and my chest was so sensitive to her touch.

“Get into bed, baby,” I said with an aroused tone in my voice as Tegan put the comforter overtop of me. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and climbed over me to the other side of the bed, getting under the covers with me.

I turned to face her and squeezed her hard, so happy that I was sleeping next to her once again. I didn’t take any moment with her for granted. She meant the world to me.

Butterflies set into my stomach when she squeezed me harder and said “I love you”, smiling innocently into my eyes. I almost lost my words for a minute, but I managed to muster up the words to reply to her.

“I love you, Tee.”

We lay side-by-side, holding each other and kissing passionately, but I wanted more. Her sweet hums when we kissed were more than enough to turn me on, but I could feel her breasts against me now and I was going crazy. I got out from under the covers and sat on top of her, my face against hers. Her hot breath warmed my face and I became desperate. I could feel my clit aching to be touched between my legs so I started grinding against her.

I couldn’t help but start moaning in her ear, quietly enough for only her to hear. “I want you so bad, Tee.”

“I know, baby,” she managed to let out between me kissing her.

I was hurting now and she could tell from my moans getting more and more uncontainable. I bit her lower lip into my mouth and sucked it slowly, releasing another uncontrollable whimper. “Please, baby.”

“Sara, no. We can’t.” She looked at me as we took our mouths off of each other, looking eye to eye.

I didn’t want to hear that right now.

I stood still holding her arms, but my breath was still heavy. My body was shaking from the intensity in my chest; I couldn’t calm myself down.

I went in to kiss her again. I didn’t think before I could stop myself, but it felt so good to taste her. Tegan squeezed my arms just below my shoulders and broke the kiss after a second.

“Baby, no. We can’t. You said it yourself, we’ll have time when we go back.”

I was so disappointed, and I was stubborn. “Please.”

“Please don’t beg, Sara,” she warned me. I knew how she would cave in when I beg.

“Tee,” I couldn't stop. “I want it so bad.”

“Sara, don’t. You know what that does to me when you beg,” she admitted.

My hopes lifted for a second, thinking maybe I could keep begging and she would give in. It made me smile a bit. I hated how stubborn I was being right now and I know she did, too. But I couldn’t help it.

I pressed my core a little harder against her as I played with her fingers, putting one in my mouth as I gently bit it as I looked seductively into her eyes. I watched Tegan fight an inner battle between resistance and anger, biting her lips as she struggled.

“Sara, I’m serious,” there wasn’t an ounce of playful in her tone at all.

“Make love to me. I’ll be quiet, I promise,” I tried to negotiate with her as I put her fingers against my lips, trying my best for her to cave.

“Sara, I swear to God,” she started to threaten me, but didn’t finish, her voice rising more than the last.

“Don’t do this to me, Tee. Please, baby. Please make love to me.”

Tegan flipped us and pushed me down to the bed so that she was kneeling overtop of me now. “Sara, don’t do this or I swear to God you won’t like what I’m going to do.”

“Are you gonna hurt me?” I quipped, still trying to provoke her and not getting the memo on the fact that she was serious. I wasn’t afraid to push her very far; she’s my sister.

I know her limits.

“Yes,” she snapped abruptly.

“Mm, okay.”

“Goodnight, Sara,” Tegan ignored me and turned away from me, grabbing more of the blanket with her as she snarled her words.

“Goodnight.” I was still so horny; I couldn’t help myself. If she wasn’t going to make me come, I was going to do it.

I untied the laces to my shorts and stretched past the waistband with my trembling hand. My back arched once I separated my lips and pressed two fingers against my clit, shooting pleasure up my core. I massaged my clit slowly in circles and my body started to jerk underneath the covers.

My breaths became faster and heavier as I spread my legs to go deeper. I took my other hand underneath my shirt and played with my breasts, flicking my nipples and squeezing them harder. I held in a moan as I pushed my other hand deeper in my shorts until my fingertips caressed my opening.

I didn’t waste any time teasing myself, I was wet enough that I put my middle and ring finger deep inside me. I fucked myself hard and stroked my g-spot, impulsively opening my mouth but making sure I didn’t make a sound.

“Sara, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Noth—”, I tried to make the words come out without screaming. I was about to come and Tegan knew it. “Nothing,” I let out really fast in a higher pitch than my usual tone.

“Go to bed right now, Sara,” Tegan ordered, angrier now.

“No,” I sobbed, “It feels so good. I’m gonna come, Tee. I’m gonna come, oh fuck!” I couldn’t help it; she knew what I was really doing. My orgasm had me on a high.

Tegan grunted and I could feel frustration searing off of her body as she came to face me. I was too focused on my own pleasure to notice her wrath.

“Oh!” I moaned, eyes wide open as soon as Tegan pulled my hair. I had no choice but to stare at the heat and anger that dressed her face. She had her grip on the back of my head, pinning me unapologetically against my pillow as she held her other hand over my throat. Adrenaline rushed through my veins and pumped into my heart. I knew what was coming and the anticipation alone almost suffocated me.

"Safe word?" Tegan whispered as she bit my shoulder.

“Mm,” she watched me as I struggled to find words, pleased with myself that she caved. “Red.”


	42. Limits Part II

Even though she asked me about a safe word, I could tell she only did it because she had to. She really wanted to hurt me right now; neither of us minded. My stubbornness and not listening to her when she tells me something a million times always drove her insane. There was a part of me that did get a little nervous since I’d never been choked before.

“Are you gonna come, Sare?” She interrogated me, still serious and still heated.

“Uh,” I whimpered and failed to speak. Instinctively, I shot my hand up from between my legs to her hand that was about to choke me. My attempt to respond was merely a strangled breath when she pulled my hair again, my eyes fixed on the wall behind me not by choice now.

“No, Sara.” Tegan shoved my hand off of hers. She forced it back between my legs as she slapped my naked thighs hard, earning a painful shriek from me. “You said you wanted to come. I’m not letting go of you until your eyes roll back.”

“Ow!” I cried after she slapped my already-pained skin a second time, leading her to forcefully cover my mouth with the same hand.

“You said you’d be quiet, Sara. Close your fucking mouth and fuck your pussy until you orgasm. Don’t you dare stop until you do.”

I became frenetic and did exactly what she told me. I stretched my pussy out with two fingers, which were shaky from the way Tegan was handling me. I fucked myself harder when she put her hand back onto my throat and still had a hard grip on the back of my head.

I tried to quiet my screams, but it was near impossible. Tegan heard my sobs and squeezed my throat, silencing me immediately and right then my breath was gone. My eyes were inert on Tegan’s face, brows furrowed as I tried to scream again. I felt my body about to shudder and give me my release.

She was trying to torture me before she could give me what I wanted.

She released her grip on my throat a few seconds early to make sure I wouldn’t come. Her eyes stayed focused on me, and that alone made me tense. I knew she could feel my body shaking now; her teasing was painful.

“Are you gonna come now?” She asked as she watched me take a much-needed deep breath as she gently caressed my neck, still keeping her touch rough.

“Mhm,” I spoke with tense lips pressed together, still fucking myself. I could barely handle any more and staying quiet was becoming more and more impossible. She could see the impatience all over my hot face; I knew the second time she’d choke me would push my body over the edge. “Do it again. Mm, please! Choke me, Tegan. I’m gonna come.”

Usually when I begged like that she would make me wait, but she knew I couldn’t take anything more by the numb look in my eyes. I was so dehydrated now that I couldn’t stop biting and licking my lips. My back arched and mouth opened with a deafening sadistic whimper when she did just as I asked.

“Keep going baby, don’t stop,” Tegan talked me through it as she watched me ride out my orgasm, body convulsing hard against hers while she squeezed my throat again. My eyes rolled back just as she ordered; I could feel her watching my face with somber eyes, her other hand caressing my head as she gripped her fingertips through my hair. My body was twitching so hard I didn’t know if it was going to stop—and I didn’t want it to.

Tegan let go of my neck and listened to my multiple orgasms one after the other. With one hand, she pulled my shorts off forcefully, spanking me again as she lifted my bum. She stuck her hand between my thighs and dipped two fingers inside me while mine were drawing circles against my clit. It caught me off guard and I couldn’t help my screams. “Shhh, Sare. Don’t wake mom,” she husked against my ear. I felt her fingers massage against my g-spot as she sped up her rhythm.

“Tegan,” her name escaped my lips in a sob, my voice shaking to match my body.

“Keep going baby. I can feel you coming,” Tegan grunted as I grinded against her hand. I became so wet in an instant and I could feel it on my fingers. My hand could barely keep going, and my body felt exhausted. I shuddered hard one last time, jerking against Tegan’s body while I listened to her pleasured moans as she watched.

This was so much more intense than the typical orgasm I have with her. This felt euphoric. I looked down and felt uncomfortable, feeling my cheeks redden even more.

This had never happened before.

“Oh my god, you’re so hot, Sare. Fuck,” she husked, staring at the arousal I left on her hands. She watched the embarrassment creep onto my face as I tried to catch my breath and calm down. Tegan took her two fingers to my mouth, making me taste myself. I sucked her fingers, biting them and squeezing her palms.

Another jolt came over my body and I started to orgasm again. Tegan watched with satisfaction on her face while my body twitched uncontrollably. I squeezed Tegan’s palm harder in my hand; I wanted her to hold me as tight as I held her.

“Let it go, Sare, I’m right here.” Tegan saw that I was flustered and talked me through it as she choked me for the third time, cutting off my oxygen supply. She watched my eyes go lifeless, trying to keep my attention on her face. She squeezed for five seconds and continued to stroke my head with her other hand, calming me down.

Tegan watched as I continued to squirt; I could tell it aroused her. I didn’t know what squirting felt like until now. I had to get used to the fact that that was normal and perhaps turned her on. I couldn’t help but feel shy, but I felt at ease knowing she didn’t care.

My body finally stopped shaking and Tegan let go of my neck just before I would have passed out. She came up to stroke the corner of my mouth with her thumb as I whimpered against her hand; mine still tightly gripped onto hers.

“You’re so beautiful, baby,” she breathed. I could feel the sweat dripping down from my face and my chest heaving up and down. My shrieks were coming to a quiet, but very slowly. What we just shared was a new level of intimacy.

Our eyes were locked onto one another’s and my legs were wrapped around Tegan, soaked from my orgasm. I sat up with the last bit of energy I had and wrapped my arms around her; I was so overwhelmed and I needed to feel her warm body close to me. She carefully pushed me up against the headboard as she held me; her hands in my hair because she knew her how much they relaxed me.

We didn’t say anything; I paid attention to the sounds of her heavy breaths and how she felt hot against my cheeks. She looked up and down at my face, listening to my frantic whimpers as they settled down to breathless hums.

I held her body so tight even though I was weak and restless. She squeezed me back harder and smiled. “You’re so stubborn.”

I shut my eyes, tilting my head back against the wall. I let out a laugh, which came out quiet because I was breathless, “I know.”

Tegan giggled, kissing my pulse point at my neck to comfort me. I think she could tell I felt a little vulnerable that she watched me squirt like that. She jerked her hand underneath my shirt after feeling my pulse, hand between my breasts. “Your heart’s beating so fast! Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I am,” I stuttered. “That was just…amazing.”

“Are you sure?” She asked again as she put her hand to my forehead. That made me giggle, and think to myself how thoughtful she was being.

“Yes, I’m fine, Tee,” I took her hand off and held it. “Just give me a minute.”

“Was that too much? Was it okay? You can be honest—”

“Tee!” I interrupted her, “I loved every minute of it, okay? Can you just hold me, please?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry, Sare.”

“Don’t be,” I kept my words to a minimum and recaptured my breath. I gave Tegan a kiss on the cheek and we stayed like this for a minute.

“Better?”

“Mhm,” I hummed against her neck, hoping that didn’t mean she was going to let me go.

“Okay. You have to sleep, Sare.”

“Mhm,” I repeated. “Okay.”

 

“Come here,” Tee slid my body down from the wall so that I was laying on my back. I tilted my chin up, I could tell she wanted to take a look at my neck. She kissed it and caressed it with the back of her hand. “Any pain?”

 

“No,” I breathed.

 

She fluffed the pillow underneath me and tucked me into the covers, wrapping herself and them tightly around me. She had her arms wrapped around my waist and head on my chest. Her hair was tickling my face and she smelled so good.

 

“Comfy?” She continued.

 

I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and played with the ends of her hair. “I always am when I’m beside you.”

 

“Oh, Sare,” Tegan’s body shook as she let out a flattered laugh, “You’re adorable.”

 

“I mean it.”

 

“I know you do, cause I know the feeling.”

 

My hands met her soft skin as I lifted up her shirt. She felt amazing and I couldn’t wait to return the favour when we got back to Paris. My stomach got excited just at the thought.

 

“You’re so good to me, Tegan.”

 

“You’re not hard to be good to, except when you’re stubborn,” she giggled. “I’ll be good to you for as long as you let me.”

 

“Okay, Tee,”  I took a nervous breath. “Let me go to bed before you kill me.”

 

The thought of Tegan and I being together forever made my heart happy; I didn’t think it was allowed for someone to be this in love and elated with life. Sure, things got hard sometimes, but none of that matters when you’re in love. 

 

Our hardships will never be our excuses.

Quiet.


	43. De Novo

**Tegan**

 

I opened my eyes to my room as I lay in Sara’s arms, the same way I fell asleep. I had my head resting on her breasts and moved my hands over to them now, just over her tank top. I couldn’t keep my hands off of her, let alone her chest. I wanted to let her sleep so I tried to contain myself.

 

I moved my hands away from her breasts to play with the silk of her shorts and all I could feel was skin.  _Oh god_ , I thought to myself as I remembered throwing them onto the floor last night. The gods of self-restraint were testing me today. I lingered my hands at her hipbones and ran my fingers along them. I caressed my hand down to her bum and then to her legs as mine was in between hers. My intention wasn’t at all to wake her just yet; I wanted her to feel comfortable and safe as she slept.

 

I reached beside Sara and under her pillow to grab my phone. I had unread messages from Colin and Ted and Emy; all of which were asking where we had gone and Colin asking when we needed him to take us home.

 

It was time to go back.

 

I read them and responded quickly so I could enjoy my last few minutes cuddling with Sara in a warm bed that was truly mine. I was unusually calm under such abnormal circumstances; I think we’ll be in a much better place going back than when we left. We found peace now, for the most part.

 

And I was grateful that we finally had that. Breaking the news to everyone about Lindsey’s brutal demise, however, will be a different story.

 

Calm, I squeezed Sara a little tighter, really taking in how much we had just gone through together. Our relationship has been tested a lot the past week and it made us so much stronger together. And I guess I had to be grateful for that too, despite how unbearable some of those days might have been.

 

Right now we were each other’s and that’s really all I needed to focus on. As long as we kept fighting and growing together with whatever came our way, right now could be our forever.

 

I heard a knock from my bedroom door at the stairs, followed by mom’s gentle whisper. “Are you girls awake?”

 

“Just me, mom. We’ll be up in a bit!” I tried to keep my voice at a whisper as well, but I knew I had to get Sara to wake up sooner or later.

 

It wasn’t long before Sara started moving underneath the covers and she turned her body to face me. I got flustered when I felt her hips grinding against the leg I had between her thighs. I could feel her getting wet against me just like last night. And I couldn’t take much more of it, especially that there was nothing separating her arousal from my skin.

 

I took a steady, deep breath when I realized she wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. I put my hand on her back, helping her grind harder against me.  _Fuck,_ she has to stop.

 

I let out a frustrated groan when she started breathing heavier against my ear, letting out tiny whimpers and words I couldn’t quite understand.

 

I wish I had my strap right now, but I didn’t. And this had to stop before she got any louder, before mom could hear. That was my only drive to speak up right now.

 

She pushed her body up against me more forcefully as she kissed my cheeks sleepily, but I could definitely imagine what was going on in her dream.

 

My god, Sara has a lot of dreams.

 

“Okay, Sara,” I hoped she couldn’t hear the frustration in my voice, or the prurience. “Good morning,” I spoke fast, digging my fingertips into her shoulders, hoping she’d stop, “ _please_  wake up.”

 

I flipped her onto her back and waited for her to get up, pinning one of her arms down with my body and the other with my hand. She made the cutest face with her mouth opened as she breathed through her nose, not seeming to be having an erotic dream anymore. But she still wasn’t awake.

 

She squeezed my arm adorably as she stayed in a deep sleep, her breaths getting louder. She wasn’t getting up anytime soon and I felt like being the annoying sister I had an amazing reputation of doing. I plugged her nose and waited for her to wake up.

 

I started giggling when she closed her mouth nonchalantly. Ten seconds passed and she looked so calm and peaceful. Then she jerked her body up and gasping for air.

 

“Tegan!” She yelled, catching a breath. I watched the annoyance grow on her face as she became more angered at my laughter.

 

“You’re so mean!” She shrilled as she tried to hit my shoulder, but I grabbed her hands and interlaced her fingers in mine. I couldn’t help it; she’s cute when she’s angry.

 

“Oh good, you’re awake,” I sneered.

 

“I hate you,” Sara said, like always, when I got on her nerves. I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face; she makes me laugh so hard.

 

“Did you sleep well?”

 

“No,” Sara huffed, trying to pull her hands away from mine.

 

“Really? You sounded like you were having a really good dream,” I retorted.

 

“What are you talking about?” Sara questioned, irritation still in her voice.

 

“I woke up to you humping my leg.” She could hear the arousal in my voice now as I gawked between her legs, “and you’re  _so_ wet.”

 

My hands went weak and Sara grabbed her thighs, realizing she wasn’t wearing shorts or panties. Her hand to my leg now, noticing it was covered in her arousal. “Oh my god,” I watched her cheeks redden. “Do you just live to humiliate me?”

 

“Only because I can’t get enough of your cute as hell reactions. Besides, do you just live to tease me?”

 

“Maybe.”

 

“Okay, just get up already!” I continued to joke, hitting her with a pillow. I laughed again at her angered reaction.

 

“Pass my shorts, asshole,” I tried to keep in my laughter while she made me giggle on the inside.

 

“Here you go, beautiful girl.” I placed them in her hand and watched her put them on. “I love you.”

 

Sara glared at me with pursed lips as she shook her hips into her shorts, pulling her waistband up over her bum and sat up against the headboard. Even when she didn't like putting up with me, she meant it. I watched the sweet, serious look come over her face as she looked into my eyes.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

\--

 

I sat in the backseat looking at the scenery on the drive back home while Sara slept in the passenger’s side next to mom. Mom and I didn't make too much conversation. I couldn't stop thinking about when she caught us here in the backseat the other night.  _Was that why she was quiet?_ Ugh, this is so awkward.  _She loves us, she said._ I kept trying to remind myself.

 

When mom hit a stoplight, she took Sara’s hand and caressed it softly. Sara kept her eyes closed as she slept with her head to her right shoulder. I noticed from the corner of my eye that she kept her focus on Sara, and it made me nervous.

 

“Mom, it’s green.”

 

She was looking at her neck.

 

Mom put her foot on the gas and started to accelerate, letting out a deep sigh as she cleared her throat. “What happened to Sara’s neck, Tegan?”

 

My stomach dropped and I didn't know what to say. I went against what she had asked two nights ago, after she continued to love us unconditionally after what we’d done. My voice was shaky before I even spoke.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Tegan,” mom spoke my name with disappointment in her tone.

 

I didn't say anything; I was too humiliated.

 

“I told you I didn't want you girls doing anything in the cottage,” I knew what I did was so wrong; I couldn't listen to this. It was so painful. “I trusted you in the same room with each other, Tegan.”

 

“I know,” I couldn't bring myself to apologize; it wouldn't have been good enough.

 

I watched mom looking at me in the rear view mirror; I felt sick and she knew it.

 

“It won't happen again,” I said it as sincerely as I could. I hope she knew I meant it. Last night was an accident. “I'm so sorry, mom.”

 

Mom heard me, but didn't respond. And I knew it wasn't because she was trying to hurt me, she just had absolutely no idea what to say to me right now. The feeling was excruciatingly likewise.

 

It was quiet for about ten minutes until she hit another red light. “Oh, Sara baby,” mom whispered, running the back of her hand against the bruises on Sara’s neck as she let out little whimpers.

 

“Is she in pain?” Mom asked reluctantly, she knew exactly what we were doing.

 

“No,” I answered loyally, voice thick from holding back a cry as I bowed my head.

 

Sara slowly opened her eyes, mom’s hand still brushing her neck. “Mom, it's green,” she advised her sleepily, unaware as to why mom was touching her. Sara took mom’s hand, interlacing it with hers and rested against her shoulder as she drove.

 

Sara looked up at mom and smiled at her as she started to accelerate again, forgetting to pay attention to the newly turned light once more.

 

“I love you, mom.” I could see Sara’s sweet, smiling face as she looked up to her.

 

Mom took Sara’s hand and kissed it, keeping her eyes on the road and then to Sara for a split-second.

 

“I love you, too, baby.”

 

I had what felt like a strangled knot in my throat; I wish I never gave into Sara’s pleas. I couldn’t be mad at her, though, not right now. But I did regret doing it, especially after seeing the deranged look on mom’s face.

 

For the last hour of the drive I tried not to cry. It had already happened and there was nothing else I could do. Sara stayed asleep on mom’s shoulder as she held her hand. Mom really did love Sara so much; she loved me too, but I was the stronger of us. Sara always needed the reassurance.

 

Right now,  _I_ needed it. And I didn’t want to overstep or ask or apologize. I kept my mouth shut for the rest of the way there.

 

I tried not to look at mom, but I couldn't help it. It hurt to wonder what she was thinking about me. About us. My breathing started getting heavier and more frequent, I had to talk myself through it and calm myself down.

 

 _Mom, please say something,_ I wanted to burst out _._ But what could she have really said? I just wanted to get out of this car.

 

My phone buzzed and distracted me from my thoughts and I felt relaxed for a second.

 

_Colin: Hey Tegan, I'm outside your house. Take your time, see you in a bit._

 

The drop in my stomach disappeared for a brief moment. I was excited to see Colin, he always meant well and is so kind-hearted and genuine—even if he is a hit man. He made Sara and I feel safe.

 

_Tegan: We’re five minutes away. See you!_

 

The car slowed and pulled into the driveway. Agony over, it was time to leave. I undid my seatbelt and waited, feeling out of place so I tried to look like I was distracted by my phone.

 

We were home.

 

Sara started to awaken and unbuckled her seatbelt, grabbing her phone, sunglasses and purse. Mom was looking at her again, quiet and affectionate—she looked as if a million things were going on in her mind.

 

When Sara finished gathering her things, she finally noticed mom looking at her. Sara became small and nervous once she clued into the fact that she was fixed on her throat.

 

I watched, uneasily, as Sara sat up straight against her seat and head against the rest. She hugged all of her possessions against her stomach and guilt overpowered her face.

 

Mom brushed Sara’s hair back behind her ear, touching her earring backings carefully and took her fingers down to her marks again. Mom looked worried and shocked more than anything now.

 

The silence was deafening.

 

Sara was holding her breath and I wasn’t going to break the silence. I had no words for this; I never hoped for mom to see all that she did this week.

 

“Mom,” Sara finally let out a breath; shame on her face and iniquity in her voice. She knew she had wronged her—one of Sara’s biggest anxieties.

 

Mom let go of Sara and it took what felt like minutes for her to speak. “Please take care of each other, girls.”

 

Sara bowed her head and opened the car door with her things. I stepped out on my side and mom was standing in front of me. She opened up her arms, taking me in for a hug. I hugged her so hard we had put her through so much the past few days that a mother like her doesn’t deserve. She hugged me just as tight, if not tighter, as she brushed her fingers through my hair and kissed my cheek.

 

I went to the trunk to grab my suitcase; an emotionless Sara came up from behind me. She put her suitcase aside while mom held her by the elbows and faced her. I could tell Sara wanted so badly to cry right now, but she tried to be tough.

 

“Come here, baby.” Mom tried to calm her as she squeezed her. Sara was weak; she didn’t want to let go. When mom did just that and started kissing her bruises delicately, Sara’s body started to shake as she quietly started to cry.

 

I wanted to give them time alone; I stayed by the trunk of the car and minded my own business, but I couldn’t help listening in on Sara’s sobs. “I’m sorry, mom. I’m _so_ sorry,” she emphasized. Sara’s affliction was breaking my heart.

 

I wish Sara would have covered her neck by now, but I think she was too rattled to think about it.

 

“I love you, baby,” mom reassured her. That’s all Sara needed to hear to not break down right now. She found it hard to believe she could still love her. Mom was right, though; Sara isn’t hard to love.

 

“Okay,” she breathed through quiet sobs and wiped her tears, nodding. I had her puffer in my hand in case she needed it right now. Sara let go and grabbed her suitcase as she walked toward me. She grabbed it from me as soon as she saw it.

 

She was calming down now.

 

“Please take care of her, baby. You’re stronger than her,” mom asked of me. “I love you both more than anything. Make sure she doesn’t ever forget that.”

 

“I promise I won’t. I love you so much, mom.” Mom couldn’t see it, but I wanted to cry now, too. She was right, though; I was the strong one right now. Not always, but right now I had to be.

 

For Sara’s sake.

 

We said our goodbyes to mom and strolled our suitcases over to Colin’s BMW. “Sara,” I spoke out, stopping her before Colin could get a good look, “put this on, baby.” I handed her her favourite blanket scarf and wrapped it around her neck, letting it fall onto her shoulders.

 

Her bruises were pretty bad.

 

Colin stepped out of the car and gave each of us hugs and helped us pack our suitcases in the back; he could sense the upsetting tension that we brought with us. We were quiet as we said hello, but he knew we were happy to see him.

 

I opened the car door and held both of Sara’s hands before I let her sit in the backseat. I massaged her knuckles and without speaking, I gave her a look to let her know that I was here for her and she was going to be okay. I let go and helped her into the car and shut the door.

 

“She okay?” Colin mouthed at me as he held my door open for me on the passenger side, worry in his face.

 

“She will be,” I responded as I sat in the front. “Just a little shaken up. Thanks for picking us up, Colin. I really appreciate you.”

 

“Anytime, Tee.”

 

I instantly felt better in Colin’s presence; he’s such a great guy and I admired him so much. Even under the most unfortunate circumstances, I was so grateful to have him as a close friend. I hope he has time to stay for a bit when we get back to the hotel tonight; I absolutely adored spending time with him. I owed him some beers.

 

Sara was so covered up as she put her big tinted sunglasses on, trying to hide away from the world right now. I held my hand out and waited for her to hold it. I didn’t let go of her hand the entire car ride over to the hangar.

 

Once we got there, we brought our things onto Colin’s jet. I kept my hand in Sara’s as I helped her up the steps and shut the door once we made sure we had everything. I sat up in the front with Colin and kept Sara with me for two reasons; I didn’t want to leave her alone when she was upset and I knew watching the views would cheer her right up. I remember her laughter and excitement on the way up here when Colin let her steer; so childish and adorable.

 

I wrapped my arms around her and set them onto her tummy, with her hands in mine, as she sat on my lap. Usually flying made me miss home in an instant, but Sara’s familiar, sweet smell made me feel like I never left.

 

When we took off from the ground I noticed Sara’s alertness even through tinted sunglasses. She perked her head up and looked left and right, barely able to sit still as I held her. I loved her curiosity.

 

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it, Sara?” Colin smiled over to her as he steered.

 

“Breathtaking,” she responded in awe, squeezing my hand tight.

 

Peaceful silence was exchanged as we all admired the scenery from the sky. I bet Colin sees scenery this beautiful all the time, but even he still wasn’t used to it. He was definitely appreciative of everything he built for himself.

 

“You’re going to stay for a bit, right?” Sara asked Colin once the jet steadied, “We’ve missed you.”

 

“Yeah, and it’ll be nice to be able to enjoy each other’s company without any...commotion,” I broke in, eager for his response.

 

“ _Commotion_ , is that what we’re calling it, Tegan?” Colin laughed. “I’ve missed you girls, too! Yes, we’ll finally get to have a laid-back night! I don’t know how much more commotion I could have handled,” he joked.

 

“Me and you both,” I empathized with him.

 

“When’s your next show?”

 

“Tomorrow!” Sara beamed, “It always means the world to Tegan when you come. We have our second show in Paris.”

 

“Think you can get me a spot backstage again, guys?” Colin winked, “I’m honoured you guys love me being there so much. Is this one gonna be low-key?”

 

“God I hope so!” I interjected, exhausted, “No more surprises.”

 

\--

 

Eight hours later, we landed safely and finally made our way back to La Reserve. It was late, about 9:30pm when we got in and unpacked our things. We decided that I’d stay in Sara’s hotel room and Colin would take mine for the night. I didn’t want to see my room, it reminded me too much of when Lindsey influenced Sara to break up with me.

 

That room was so empty.

 

Sara’s room looked no different than mine, but didn’t feel the same at all. I dropped my suitcase beside our king-sized bed, telling myself I’d deal with unpacking when I got back to the room. Right now we were going to have fun with the guys and meet them in their room. I know they’ve been worrying about us. I sat on the bed watching Sara unpack while I responded to some text messages.

 

_Ted: Colin just got here, when are you and Sara coming?_

 

_Tegan: We’ll be there in ten, see you guys in a bit!_

 

“Sara, they’re waiting for us. Let’s go!” I beamed, excited to have a relaxing night back with everyone. It was great to be in Paris again, together with Sara so we can finally enjoy the city and leave all the drama behind us.

 

“Okay, okay, just a sec!” Sara jumped up from putting her clothes away in the bottom drawer and dashed to the mirror by the door, fixing her clothes and hair innocently.

 

I threw on my leather jacket and ran over to Sara; she looked so cute checking herself out and making sure she looked okay. I reached my hand into her back pocket and grabbed her butt, taking my other hand to her face and pulling her in for a kiss. I noticed her looking at us in the mirror in the corner of her eye, and I was kissing her cheek now that her full attention was on our reflection.

 

“You look absolutely fucking breathtaking as usual, okay? They’re waiting for us, come on!”

 

“Take your own advice, Tee.” Sara giggled as she looked up, I couldn’t stop kissing her just underneath her jaw.

 

“Okay, I’m done,” I controlled myself from kissing her again and again, taking her hand and heading toward the door.

 

“I still have to thank you for last night,” Sara said suggestively into my ear as she brushed her thigh against me.

 

“Oh fuck me,” the words left my mouth as I opened the door.

 

“I’m going to. Tonight. So hard,” Sara husked as she felt me up with both hands as we stood in the doorway, almost making me trip over myself.

 

I had to leave the room before I changed my mind about this get together with everyone. I grabbed Sara’s hand and pulled her out from the room as she giggled. She knew I had no self-restraint and watching me try to resist was hilarious to her.

 

I kept my hands in her back pockets while I stood face to face with her in the elevator on the way down. No way in hell was I going to let her feel me up again. She gave me innocent pecks on the cheek until we got down to the main lobby, then back up the other set of elevators to the East end where Jasper and Ted were staying.

 

We got to their floor and heard music coming from their room; apparently this party slash gathering started without us already. Sara knocked on the door and Colin answered almost immediately, gesturing for us to come in. She was just about to grab my hand, but I moved it up between her shoulder blades as she walked inside; I followed behind her.

 

Ted ran up to us and hugged us both at the same time while Jasper handed us each beers.

 

“Where have you guys been the past two days?” Jasper asked with high energy, excited to see us after our unbeknownst hiatus.

 

“Okay, okay, let us sit down and get settled. It’s good to see you, too!” Sara laughed, not ready to lay down any serious conversation just yet.

 

“Hi, guys!” Emy popped up from behind Jasper and took Sara and I into individual hugs. She caught me off guard, and Sara too. I totally forgot she was going to be here, but she did mention she was staying in Paris for a few days. I didn’t care that her and Sara were together before, but knowing she was still in love with her had me uncomfortable as I watched them hug.

 

“Emy! It’s so good to see you!” It really was, I loved Emy to death. She was our best friend. I was just really thrown off and had to collect my thoughts.

 

Sara had a look on her face that I couldn’t quite comprehend, which was strange, because usually I could read her so well. I sandwiched myself between Emy and Sara on the couch as I took long swigs from my bottle of beer.

 

“Whoa!” Emy laughed, grabbing my leg with her hand that wasn’t occupied by a drink. “Take it easy, Tee! That’s only your first drink!”

 

“You have no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to tonight, Em,” I spoke in between my chugs.

 

“So...where you guys were the last two days—what happened? It can’t be that bad, can it?” Ted questioned, he was always concerned for us and wanted to make sure we were okay. He always looked after us like the older brother we never had.

 

“Okay, are you guys ready to hear it? Before I get too drunk to keep my stories straight? Unless you wanna say it, Sara. Or Colin. I’m sure you’re good at breaking this news, Colin.” I spoke, realizing maybe I shouldn’t mention that Colin was a hit man. He trusted me with that information. I was quick to steer the topic away, “Okay I’ll say it fast.”

 

I didn’t want to, I had to take another sip. A smaller one this time. I could give them the long version, or I could give them the short version. They’ll ask questions anyway.

 

“Just a heads up, this is going to down the entire mood. Are you all  _sure?”_ I had to double check. Nobody answered to my rambles the first time.

 

“Yes!” Everyone exclaimed in unison, , impatient now. It made me jump a little.

 

“Okay, um. Well,” I squeezed Sara’s wrist gently, I knew how much that night haunted her. I looked around the room into all of my friends’ eyes. This wasn’t easy, but I needed to say it.

 

“Lindsey’s dead.”


	44. Thirst

**Emy**

I was loving the vibes from everyone as soon as I came in to Ted and Jasper’s hotel room. It was nice to finally put a face to this Colin character that they’ve been going on and on about since I’ve been in Paris.

 

Ted and Jasper were excited to see Sara and Tegan again; we were all so confused as to where they had gone, but we all had a general idea. All I know about their situation is that they’re madly in love with each other as of the start of this tour and because of Lindsey being so stubborn; Sara can’t be with Tegan anymore.

 

That was a mouthful.

 

Now let’s add into the mix that  _I’m_ madly in love with Sara, and God knows where poor Lindsey is right now, let alone Stacy. I wonder how Sara broke up with her.

 

_Does she know about them, too?_

 

Lindsey did, and she clearly wasn’t happy about it.

 

Ted and Jasper must know, too. But they haven’t said a word to me about it. Hell, they probably think I have no idea. And what about Colin? My brain is running a mile a minute right now. Does Tegan know that I know?

 

I’m overwhelmed.

 

They’re going to be here any minute now and I was getting anxious. This is the first time I’d be seeing them in, well, a long time. And the first time seeing them as a…couple? Or whatever they are right now because of Lindsey’s threat.

 

I wonder what they are right now?

 

I wonder if they’ll act any different with each other?

 

I’m gonna pay close attention to their body language and see if I can figure out what’s been going on. I’m so curious. God knows they’re not gonna say anything about it tonight—there’s too many people around. And for all I know, none of them know and it’s just me. Or maybe everyone knows and they’re all cool about it and I’m just left in the dark about it, other than what Sara told me.

 

Knock.

 

The bang on the door almost startled me of my thoughts. My stomach twisted and I was dying to answer these questions in my head. I was so anxious to see them; Sara was so upset last time I saw her. And come to think of it, it made a lot of sense the way Tegan acted when I told her I was going to tell Sara about my love for her.

 

Trying to slow my thoughts, I watched as Ted sauntered over to open the door. Sara looked beautiful; she walked in with her hand against Tegan’s back. She looked so caring and protective of her and I could have sworn Tegan was about to grab Sara’s hand.

 

They were definitely back together; I could see it on their faces.

 

They hadn’t noticed me yet and I was fixed on them. I walked over before my thoughts made it awkward. I pulled Sara in first for a hug, then Tegan.

 

Sara smelled so good, and she was oddly warm. It was awfully hot in here for her to be wearing a huge scarf like she was. I bet she’s covering hickeys that Tegan gave her under there.

 

I was so into Sara that I totally almost discounted the look she just gave to me. She definitely didn’t tell Tegan that I knew about them, I could see it in her uneasy wide-eyed expression that she just bared. I flashed her a  _don’t worry_ -type look back; she really did have nothing to worry about.

 

There was a lot less nervous energy in Tegan’s hug. I bet she was relieved that Sara rejected my feelings, for lack of a better word. I really wasn’t bitter about it, though. Sad, and maybe temporarily disappointed, yes. But we’ve been friends for so long post-breakup that we can be that way again.

 

I do want what’s best for Sara in the end, even if I am still in love with her.

 

As soon as I sat down next to Sara, I knew Tegan was going to break us apart. If I didn’t know about them being together I would have had some sort of idea now, with the way she so awkwardly sandwiched herself in between us on the loveseat when there was another chair beside me.

 

 _Was she jealous?_  I hope not, I wouldn’t ever do anything knowing they’ve fallen for each other. But I suppose she doesn’t know that I know about them. No matter how many times I repeated that thought in my head, it was just so strange to me.

 

Tegan took the hugest swig from her beer bottle and I couldn’t help but react.

 

“You have no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to tonight, Em.”

 

The room’s noise gradually came to a subtle quiet.

 

“So...where you guys were the last two days—what happened? It can’t be that bad, can it?” Ted asked.

 

Tegan adjusted herself on the couch, sitting up straight. “Okay, are you guys ready to hear it? Before I get too drunk to keep my stories straight? Unless you wanna say it, Sara. Or Colin. I’m sure you’re good at breaking this news, Colin. Okay I’ll say it fast.”

 

 _What did she mean by that?_ I glanced over to him and watched his expression slightly sturn, keeping himself nonchalant.

 

The room’s silence continued, only the sounds of 90s music could be heard between Tegan’s sips of beer. Eagerness and anxiousness filled the room.

 

“Just a heads up, this is going to down the entire mood. Are you all  _sure?”_ I watched Tegan emphasize and slow her words. She was stalling. Whatever she was going to say, she didn’t want to.

 

I laughed as everyone, along with myself, yelled out an impatient  _yes_  at her as she let out a startled reaction.

 

Tegan looked to her lap and she held onto Sara, looking back up to everyone. She didn’t think anyone was ready to hear whatever she had to say.

 

“Okay, um. Well. Lindsey’s dead.”

 

Silence.

 

Nothing.

 

My mouth dropped and I’m sure everyone else’s did, too. Except Colin—he stayed serious and stone-faced like Tegan.

 

Sara looked traumatized.

 

“What?” Jasper asked in a monotone.

 

“Yep, as of two nights ago,” Tegan confirmed.

 

I was speechless.

 

It was painful to look at Sara; she took out her puffer and looked like she was about to have an attack. There was definitely something about Lindsey that had her terrified.

 

“It’s okay, baby,” Tegan caught herself as she whispered it, setting Sara’s hands down on her lap.

 

“But, what—”

 

“I killed her,” Colin interrupted Ted.

 

I shot my hand up to my mouth; I needed to be filled in on this whole story. Nothing added up yet.  _Was this some sort of joke?_

 

Sara’s gasping breaths filled the room and Tegan kept her attempt at keeping her calm by holding her.

 

“It’s over, Sara, it’s over. She can’t hurt you,” I heard Tegan comfort her sister.

 

“This is serious, Colin.” Ted said to him.

 

“He’s being serious.” Tegan confirmed, her attention still on Sara.

 

Ted took a second to register everything, looking back and forth and Colin and Tegan, respectively. “You  _killed_ her? Tegan, how are you so calm right now?”

 

“She’s not who I fell in love with. And I don’t mean that figuratively…”

 

Sara looked like she was about to have a breakdown any minute now, and Tegan stopped talking at what seemed like mid-sentence to focus on calming her down.

 

“She’s a con artist,” Colin stepped in.

 

“So you killed her?” Ted repeated, trying to get the story straight. Jasper and I were speechless, listening, while Tegan was turned to a disturbed Sara.

 

Colin’s face was serious as he looked at Sara, worried, and didn’t want to continue. Whatever he was about to say, Sara didn’t want to be reminded of it. Ted stared at Colin for answers and barely realized Sara’s reaction.

 

“Why? What’d you do?” Ted kept questioning Colin while Sara distracted him.

 

Weak and just about hyperventilating, Sara got up and walked over to the bathroom without saying a word.

 

“Excuse us, guys.” Tegan stood up quick and followed behind Sara, holding onto her and steadying her.

 

The bathroom door shut. Colin was reluctant to speak; he was clearly holding a lot of sympathy for Sara right now.

 

“Well, when I got to the girls…out back by the lake…Lindsey had a knife against Sara’s neck. It was either her life or Lindsey’s. So I had no choice.”

 

Chills shot up my spine and I swear the hairs on the back of my neck were standing up. No wonder she was so traumatized right now. I wanted to comfort her, too, but I didn’t want to intrude on them.

 

“It’s been a hard week for them, I know, but Sara’s been handling it okay. So has Tegan. They have each other. They’re going to be okay.”

 

Ten minutes passed and Colin explained in more detail what had happened that night; Lindsey’s conniving past, how he slit her throat and left her body to burn in the fire. So gruesome and creepy; I don’t even know what I’d have done if I had to watch that. Let alone do it.

 

Poor Sara.

 

Poor Tegan. That was her girlfriend for five years. I remember how crazy she was about Lindsey; it never ended. When Tegan fell, she fell so hard. And when she was heartbroken, you’d think she would never love again. That passionate, hopeless romantic look in Tegan’s eyes when she was in love always made me want to find someone that made me that happy.

 

That’s Sara for her now.

 

There wasn’t much noise coming from the bathroom anymore and I couldn’t help but wonder what they were doing in there.  _Maybe they’re making out?_ Maybe not; Sara looked pretty rough. My mind went there anyways.

 

I heard the door swing open and Sara came out matting the tears from her rosy cheeks with the back of her hand. Or for all I know it was beads of sweat and they  _were_  doing something in there. I had to stop my mind from running to those scenarios; hopefully I would get this out of my head soon.

 

“Okay. I’m okay. I’m good,” Sara spoke to herself as she sat down onto the bed beside Colin. “Everyone else good, too? Everyone’s caught up? Can we change the subject now? Please? How ‘bout a game?”

 

“Drinking game?” Tegan interjected. She had strong intentions of getting plastered tonight; this will be interesting.

 

“Is your favourite game still King’s Cup, Sara?” I asked with a comforting smile.

 

“Yes!” She shrilled, “If only you could have come last time!”

 

“Sara got so drunk.” Tegan laughed as she passed Sara her beer from the coffee table. “I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen again tonight. However, it might do you some good.”

 

“Maybe,” Sara giggled innocently as Tegan rubbed her arm.

 

“Okay, who’s starting?” I asked as I circled the deck of cards around the red solo cup, currently void of anyone’s alcohol.

 

“Go for it, killer.” Tegan flicked her wrist up at Colin with her bottle in hand, provoking Sara to flash her a dirty look.

 

“Sorry, Sare,” she apologized half-heartedly.

 

“What’s Eight?” Colin picked up a card from the pile; he had never played this game before.

 

“Date. You have to drink and then you pick someone to drink with you, too,” I told him.

 

“Alright Emy, my new friend, cheers,” Colin got up and clinked his bottle to mine.

 

Drink.

 

“Okay, my turn!” I beamed picking up the next card. “Ace. Waterfall.”

 

“Oh, Colin!” Tegan giggled as she nudged his shoulder, “Lucky you! So everyone chugs in a circle this way,” Tegan circled her finger clockwise around the room. “Starting with Emy, and ending with you.”

 

We all raised our bottles to our mouths. I chugged mine for a good ten seconds until I was done my beer, then set it down. Then Ted. To Jasper, Sara, Tegan. Then finally to Colin after a good minute.

 

Tegan was dying of laughter as she watched Colin the whole time she downed her beer. I was really good at reading body language, and I could tell that they had such a close relationship. Not to mention unique under the circumstances that they met.

 

“Jack,” Ted picked up. “That’s Never Have I Ever, right?”

 

“Ah, yes, my favourite!” Tegan exclaimed. She was totally feeling it from the alcohol already. “Okay Colin, three fingers up. If you’ve done it, finger goes down. If you haven’t, keep it up.”

 

Everyone raised three fingers.

 

“Never have I ever…” Ted paused to think and started laughing, “okay I’ve got one—been in a same-sex relationship.”

 

“Oh  _wow_ , Ted, good one!” Tegan was sarcastic, emphasizing each word, having a response for everything now. “Sara, Emy, myself, put a finger down! Oh look at that, nobody here likes boys.” Tegan noted and snickered.

 

Sara rolled her eyes with a sigh, “Here we go.”

 

“Never have I ever shot a gun.”

 

Colin put his finger down.

 

“Why am I not surprised?” Jasper laughed while Tegan had a smirk on her face.

 

“My turn?” Sara questioned innocently, “Never have I ever…hmm…sky dived?”

 

Ted, Colin and myself put our fingers down.

 

“ _That’s_  your question, Sara? Boring! Let’s get Sara out, she needs to drink more.” Tegan quipped and squeezed her hand to her knee. Totally something normal sisters would do.

 

“Okay, now let’s see. Never have I ever,” Tegan lingered on the word, “slept with a guy.”

 

“Tegan!” Sara growled and raised her hands up at Tegan, but she grabbed them before she could hit her.

 

“Put a finger down, hey sis?” Tegan did it for her while she kept her grip on her hands, “Looks like you’ve got one left, you daredevil, you.”

 

“Can I hit her?” Sara called out, making everyone laugh.

 

“I love you guys,” Colin interjected. “Never have I ever finished a book in a day.”

 

“I hate you, too, Colin.” Sara joked adorably as she put her last finger down.

 

“Here you go, Sare.” Tegan smiled like a dork as she handed over her beer, receiving a scowl from Sara.

 

\--

 

We were all pretty buzzed now. We all sang along to the music as we drew cards and drank accordingly. Tegan managed to get Sara just about as drunk as she was. Jasper picked up the first King and Tegan chimed in to make the rule that Sara had to drink whenever anyone else did. She was quite please with herself.

 

They had gotten into the vodka now, but Tegan was keeping a careful watch on Sara that she didn’t have too much. To be completely honest, I wasn’t sure how great her judgment could have been right now. Sara was finally bubbly and light and giggly, just like she usually is when she drinks.

 

I remember how Sara got when she drank vodka, and I could tell nothing has changed by the flushed, rosy look on her cheeks. Her reserved demeanor was shot to hell; she lacked a filter and was horny as fuck. I wondered if she’d be good at hiding their affair right now.

 

“I love this song!” Tegan shot up and raised her hands, almost spilling her drink. She danced over to Ted and started swaying and shimmying her arms, trying to grab his hand as she danced off beat.

 

I couldn’t help but laugh at her weirdness.

 

“Oh, Emy!” She looked in my direction, “I love you, too! You’re so beautiful, I’m so happy you’re here. Isn’t she so pretty, you guys?” Tegan sat on my lap and wrapped her arm around me as she gestured with her drink in her other hand, taking unnecessary sips. “I’m just so happy we’re all here. I’m so happy we’re all friends. I love you guys so much.”

 

“I think she’s cut off.”

 

“Uh, excuse me, miss Emily. Shhh,” Tegan slurred her words as she put her finger to my mouth, which she totally missed. “What are you doing all the way over there, Sara? Get over here!”

 

Tegan stuck her arm out, gesturing for Sara to grab her hand, when clearly she was way too far from her. “Aw, look at her,” Tegan clicked her tongue to her teeth. She mimicked her sister in a high-pitched voice as she crossed her legs and attempted to fold her hands with a drink in one.

 

“I wish everyone had a twin so they know how I feel about her,” Tegan had way too many feelings plastered on her face right now. “I lover her so much, look at her face!” Tegan went on as Sara started walking toward her, an embarrassed smile on her face. “I know I’m the more talented one, but can we  _all_ just agree that she’s the prettier one?”

 

“Shut up, Tegan.” Sara pushed Tegan’s face playfully, almost knocking her off of me, as she sat down beside us.

 

“So, whose turn is it?” Colin humorously as Tegan continued to ramble.

 

“It’s mine, Colin! Give me a sec, okay?”

 

“They are  _so_  cut off,” Colin agreed.

 

“Okay, Tegan, that’s enough.” Sara pulled Tegan off of me and sat her down between us. “It’s your turn.”

 

“Oh, no it’s not,” Ted snatched Tegan’s drink out of her hand, along with Sara’s. “You girls are done, before you both get way too carried away.”

 

“Ted!” Sara whined, trying to steal her drink back.

 

“You’ll thank me in the morning.”

 

“No,  _you’ll_  thank me in the morning if you let us stay here,” Sara rebutted.

 

“ _Eww_ , Sara!” Tegan pushed Sara with her empty hand as she shrieked childishly. I tried to hold in my laughter at Tegan’s misinterpretation.

 

“Oh, help us all now,” Ted sighed.

 

“Get your head out of the gutter, Tegan. Do you see what I have to put up with?” Sara retaliated, almost tripping as she stood up.

 

“Okay, Tegan, walk with her.”

 

“Ugh, fine.” Tegan sighed as she took Sara’s hand, “what is it, like midnight o’ clock anyway? Come on, Sara, my beautiful sister.”

 

They walked toward the door, “Where’s our room again?”

 

“Don’t know,” Tegan replied as the door shut behind her.

 

Ted stuck his palm to his face, “Oh my god. Emy, go with them?”

 

“Right ahead of you.”

 

I ran to the door and after them, finally getting to them as they waited for the elevator. Luckily for me, they were too drunk to remember to push the button.

 

“Hey guys, you okay?” I said so they knew I was there, pushing the down button.

 

“That was so much fun,” Tegan said, clasping her hand into Sara’s. “Did you have fun, miss Emily?”

 

Sara giggled.

 

“I did.”

 

The elevator doors opened; I made sure they both got in before I did. Tegan grabbed my hand and rested her head on my shoulder.

 

“I’m so happy you’re our best friend, I love you.”

 

“I love you, too, Tegan. I’m happy you guys are safe and okay.”

 

Tegan looked up at me with wide, bloodshot eyes. She stayed quiet in between switching elevators, our hands all still intertwined. We looked so drunk passing through the lobby.

 

“Are you happy, too, Emy?” She asked as she stepped into the elevator.

 

“Of course I’m happy,” I admitted genuinely. “I have the best friends in the whole world, I love what I’m doing with my life. Yes. I’m so happy.” I smiled at her.

 

“What about Sara?” Tegan asked honestly, voice a little lower now.

 

Sara was caught off guard, almost snapping herself back into sobriety as she squeezed her gently. “Tegan, stop.”

 

“I just want her to be happy,” I looked from Tegan to Sara, “I really do, Sara. And you are. It’s something I have to get used to and accept.”

 

Tegan’s eyes glazed over as she had a moment with her thoughts.

 

“Did she tell you?” She asked me, worried and vulnerable.

 

“Tegan, you’re holding her hand. I see the way you look at her and touch her and take care of her. I can tell you’re dying to kiss her right now. And yes, she told me.”

 

The elevator bell chimed and the doors open. Tegan was a little taken aback, even though she was so obvious about it.

 

She stayed quiet; Sara massaged Tegan’s fingers in attempt to comfort her.

 

“I’ll walk you guys to your room. I wanna make sure you get in safe; I don’t think you know where it is anyway, huh Tee?”

 

I guided them to their room and Sara slipped in her door key, giving me a warm, lighthearted smile.

 

“I appreciate you, Emy,” Sara squeezed my arm as she helped Tegan inside. “Thank you.”

 

Sara sat Tegan beside her on the bed; she was more in thought than sleepy. She looked at me with heartfelt eyes, like she had so much to say. Sara turned Tegan so that she was cross-legged toward her. She squeezed her legs and looked into her eyes.

 

“What, Tee?” Sara asked.

 

“Everyone knows about us.”

 

“Yeah,” Sara inched closer to her sister. “I guess they do.”

 

Sara watched the look on Tegan’s face, stunned.

 

“It’s okay, Tee,” Sara reassured her.

 

“Emy, I’m sorry.”

 

I sat next to Tegan and hugged her, “I’ll be fine; I just want you both to be happy.”

 

“When it gets hard,” Tegan looked at Sara in the eyes. “Are you still gonna want me?”

 

“Yes, baby.” She spoke calmly and surely, clearly hurt that Tegan would ask that. I could tell she wanted to say more; I knew it was time for me to step out.

 

“I’m gonna go, you girls need some time alone.”

 

“Stay here, Tee,” Sara ordered as she got up to walk me out.

 

“I love you, Emy.” Tegan called out innocently from the bed.

 

“I love you, too, Tee. Stay hydrated.”

 

Sara came in for a hug and put her head to my shoulder; it felt very emotional. She hugged me tight and I reciprocated it.

 

“I love you, too, Emy. Thank you for being here.”

 

“I know you do, Sare. Anything for you.”

 

Sara gave me a kiss on the cheek as she opened the door for me.

 

“Goodnight,” she whispered.

 

I love you, too, Sara.


	45. Golden

**Sara**

I looked at Tegan on the bed after I said my goodbyes to Emy. She looked so small and exposed.

“Where’d that question come from, Tee?”

“I don’t know,” she looked up as I sat next to her, my hand underneath her chin.

“I know you know the answer to it,” I smiled, kissing her on the forehead. “Come; let’s get some fresh air and sober up.”

Tegan led the way to the balcony, slightly stumbling along the way. I was probably just about as drunk as she was, she just didn’t carry herself very well. She opened up the double doors and leaned her back against the balcony railing.

“How are you feeling?” I wrapped my arms around her waist, scrunching my face into her shoulder as I looked up at her.

“The air feels good,” she said as she took a deep breath.

“I knew it would help.” I smiled at her, taking in the silence and the beautiful view as I looked passed Tegan. Our room was pretty high up and having her beside me gave me a happy feeling in my stomach.

I didn’t think we would get to enjoy Paris together.

“Hey, Tee?” I continued as I kept my gaze fixed on the bright lights and night sky, “I love you more than anything in the world, you know that right?”

“Yeah, I do.” I wasn’t convinced by the sadness in her tone right now; she was just being like this because of the alcohol. She’s vulnerable and wants affection when she’s drunk, which is why I was so angry with Lindsey for taking advantage of her those nights.

My eyes shot over to her as soon as I heard the dishonesty in her tone. I took each of her hands in mine. “Tee…” I wanted her to keep talking.

“I’m sorry, Sare, it’s just the way Emy looks at you. It hurt a little; you’d have it easier with her. It caught me off guard that she knew about us the whole night.”

“Please don’t say that,” there was a slight crack in my voice; I hated it when she would bring up the easy road. “Please don’t ever say that. I don’t want easier if it’s not with you.”

Whenever she mentions giving up on us because it’s too hard really hits a nerve in me. It made me choke up a little and I wish she never had that thought in her head. Tegan wasn’t looking at me and her attention was somewhere else; she was listening, but not at all focused on me. I squeezed her hands fervently, hoping that would bring her mind back.

“Don’t you know I’m so in love with you, Tegan? Love doesn’t know what hard is; give me the hardest day with you and we’ll face it. I told you, Tee—I want everything.

“I should have told you Emy knew. Honestly, I completely forgot about it. It was the night you came up to my hotel room…when she told me she was still in love with me…I was so shaken up because you were so hurt and I missed you so much and I just wanted to make it go away. I didn’t want Lindsey to do anything bad if she knew we were together that night. And when I saw you, Emy completely slipped my mind.

“And that night we broke up, I didn’t mean a word of it. I only said those things because I was scared; I had to do what Lindsey told me. You know that, Tee. I’m so sorry I did it. I panicked. I love you so much and I never want you to forget that.”

I shut my mouth; I said everything I needed to say. Her eyes were looking down and she was in deep thought. I swore I saw a tear on her cheek, but it was a little too dark to tell. I cupped my hands to her face and brushed the tear off of her cheeks anyway.

“Look at me, Tee. Don’t you know that?” I was almost shaking her now, trying to get her attention. She was getting emotional for no reason.

We’re golden.

Tegan closed her eyes and nodded. Her face scrunched and lips pursed. I knew that face; she tried to hold back tears, but she couldn’t help it.

“I know that. I do. Honestly, I do. I’m sorry, Sare. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.”

“Please don’t cry, Tee.” I kissed the corners of her eyes, dabbing her tears from her skin with my lips. I never really see this vulnerable side of her. I had to giggle at her seriousness; it was kind of adorable. “Don’t be sorry, either.”

“Why are you laughing?” She almost looked offended.

“You’re just being really sensitive. There’s no need to be, Tee. I’m right here. Not going anywhere,” I smiled, trying to lighten up the conversation as I ran my fingers through her hair. “It’s cute, though. I don’t see that Tegan often.”

She gave me a childlike death stare before turning away from me. “Don’t make fun of me,” she pouted with furrowed brows and turned so that her chest was leaning on the edge now.

“Oh yes. That’s your job, isn’t it?” I joked as I grabbed her hands after she let go of mine, intertwining them around her waist. She tried to break free of my hold again, but I didn’t let her. I just kept teasing her and trying to kiss her face.

Of course she didn’t let me.

“Isn’t it, Tee?” I didn’t take the hint, “Am I right? Hey, who’s the vulnerable one now?”

“Shut up, Sara.” She pined as she fought to move her face from mine.

“I’ll shut up if you kiss me. Can I have a kiss? Please?” I begged like I was five years old.

“No,” she tried to hold a serious face as she moped.

Not once has she looked up to notice the view, nor make eye contact with me. “Was that a smile?”

“No, it wasn’t,” she said as she kept trying to push me away, irritation on her face.

“Oh, come on, Tee! Now you’re just being a butt,” I nudged her, still holding onto her and taunting her. “So when are you gonna notice how pretty this view is?”

Tegan finally looked out in front of her and her eyes lit up. Her jaw dropped and she was just about speechless. Her reaction made me smile. Tegan always appreciated the beautiful things in life. It’s amazing what you don’t notice right in front of your eyes when something else is on your mind.

“Wow.”

She was fixed on the sight and forgot about defending herself from me. I let out a childish giggle as I pulled her face to mine and kissed her cheek. Her body jerked once she felt me and I could feel the facial expression on her cheeks turn into an annoyed smile against my lips.

She pushed her hand against my face, trying to get me off of her. I shook my head, laughing, as I kissed her cheek harder, “I’m not letting go.” I raised my hand to hers and pressed my palm to her knuckles, holding her hand against my shoulder.

Tegan finally stopped fighting me. She let out her lighthearted, high-pitched laugh once she realized I wasn’t going to stop until she let me. I took my hand from hers and cupped her jaw, my lips to her lips.

I didn’t kiss her just yet; we were face-to-face and eye-to-eye. Our lips were barely touching and her breath was my air. I could feel the nervous energy as we looked at each other. I could hear Tegan swallow hard as she anticipated the kiss.

“How about now?” I asked for a kiss again, licking my lips and biting them immediately after.

Her attention was on my mouth like I knew it would be. It drove her crazy when I did that and I always used it to my advantage when I wanted her to give in. I knew she was calling me a tease in her mind.

She giggled, pulling my lower lip with her thumb. She knew what I was doing. “Shut up, Sara,” she joked as she pressed her mouth to mine without hesitating.

I couldn’t help but smile as she ran her tongue over my lip and bit it. There was so much passion in our kiss. When our lips met, I could barely breathe.

That’s how it always was with her.

I took a deep breath when she took her mouth off of me, impatient for her to kiss me again. She had her hands to my face and pushed my hair back. She was pleased with herself that she was teasing me now and giving me a taste of my own medicine.

Tegan knew how badly I wanted to kiss her again.

“No, you can’t do that!” I fought to break her resistance. “Mine,” I teased, referring to her lips. I pressed her body up against the railing and kissed her hard, not taking ‘no’ for an answer. I listened to our carefree giggles interlaced with our aroused husks to go further.

I was definitely still drunk, I could feel it between my legs and I was so turned on by her. We stopped talking for a while, getting caught up in each other as we breathed in the warm Paris air. The sound of pleasured, impatient whimpers filled my ears as we fought for dominance on each other’s bodies.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” I murmured in heavy breaths against Tegan’s mouth; lighthearted was replaced with lust. “Are you gonna let me please you tonight, baby?”

“Ugh, fuck,” she trembled and her body went weak as I pressed my knee between her thighs.

Without breaking the kiss, we found our way back to the double doors. Tegan pressed me up against it while we were trying to go back in. Our desperation for each other wasn’t helping us right now. She was grinding against my body as she struggled to find the door handle.

“Hurry up, Tee,” I mewled impatiently against her lips.

I met her hand on the handle and fidgeted with it, eventually opening it and accidentally pushing her through the door a little more aggressively than planned. She barely noticed, though. I sucked her lower lip into mine as I tried to pull her arms out of her leather jacket.

I finally managed to take it off, one arm at a time and being distracted by the ink on her arms. I dug my fingers into her skin; she looked so sexy right now. She was wearing a plain white shirt and dark denim jeans that I wanted her out of right now. Tegan undid the blanket scarf around my neck that she wrapped around me this morning and dropped it to the floor.

Her eyes filled with worry, focusing on the marks on my neck. “Does it hurt, Sara?” She asked as she stroked her fingers delicately along the imperfections, kissing them softly.

“A little,” I spoke weakly. I had to be honest, but I didn’t want her worrying about it right now.

“I’m sorry, baby.” She kept her mouth carefully on my neck as she brushed her lips against me.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I liked it,” I husked quickly and fumbled my hands to unbutton her pants.

“Somebody’s in a hurry. Are you sure you’re okay—”

“Tee, I’m fine!” I moaned, gripping her hips, “You don’t understand how horny I am right now; please stop talking and let me fuck you.”

Tegan disregarded my tone, gripping my hair and tensing her body while I unbuttoned her jeans and stripped her of them. I bit the inside of her thighs, earning a moan from her as she took her shirt off and threw it to the floor.

“Get on the bed, baby.” I lifted her by the hips, fingering the black lace material of her panties and laid her down on the mattress. I watched her breasts bounce, still covered by her matching lace bra, as she fell onto the bed. She brought her knees up to loosely hug them into her arms.

She knew exactly what I was going to do to her.

She watched innocently as I quickly undressed myself. I had no aim to tease her at all; I wanted to be on top of her as fast as I could. I unclasped my bra and threw it onto the floor along with my panties as she gawked my exposed breasts.

Tegan bit her lip hard, touching her body as she watched.

I pressed my hands against her naked thighs and pushed her closer to the headboard to make room for my body. I was rough and she didn’t mind. Back arched and head tilted up as she released a breathy exhale. I couldn’t help but gape at her chest as she pushed it up.

“Mmm, fuck, you look so good, baby.” I hitched breaths as I knelt onto the bed between her legs. “Lift your hips, Tee.”

I squeezed her ass and pulled her hips up towards me, almost ripping her panties off of her. She was finally quiet like I had asked; her attention was focused on the pleasure I was dying to give her.

“I’m gonna make you come hard, my love.”

I heard her whimper as she bucked her hips up to me again. I could smell her arousal and I couldn’t wait any longer; I wanted her pussy in my mouth. I took Tegan’s shaking legs and spread them, pushing my shoulders against them as I kissed her lower stomach.

That was her sensitive spot.

“Take your bra off, baby,” I demanded, bringing my hands up to her ribs. I felt her arching her back again as my mouth kissed her warm body. She stumbled to unclasp it; I could tell by her whimpers that she was impatient for me to do what I said. I lifted her hips to help her take it off; I could get off on the shuddering of her body alone right now.

I watched as she finally undid her bra. She took the straps off from each arm slowly but urgently, baring her breasts. She knew how exasperated I was right now. I came up from between her thighs, hands on either side of her. I pushed my mouth up against her breasts as soon as they were exposed.

Tegan lurched her body hard against mine when my tongue met her nipple. She had one hand on the back of my head and the other biting back a moan in her mouth. I ran my mouth all along the delicate parts of her body that I knew drove her crazy. I loved feeling her body go tense when I did that, even though I’d tell her to do the opposite.

“Relax your body, Tee,” I whispered, placing soft kisses along her breasts, roughly applying more pressure with every frantic exhale she let out. She was grinding against my hips and it distracted me.

“You want my mouth on your pussy?” I asked, looking at the arousal she left on my stomach.

“Mmh,” she nodded through blocked sobs; she still had her fingers between her teeth. I dipped my tongue into her collarbone and kissed her cheek before putting my mouth to where we both wanted it most. Tegan’s legs tightened around my shoulders and I pushed them open again to either sides of her body. She pulled my hair one last time before gripping the pillow behind her; her body still tense and anticipating it now.

“I want you to ride my face, baby,” I rasped with my head between her legs, causing them to jerk and tighten again. I pressed my hands against her inner thighs as she hugged her pillow to her chest.

I looked up at her, watching her tormented face before I even dipped a finger inside her. She looked like she was ready to silence her screams with her pillow.

“Oh, Sara,” she breathed as I took one hand off of her thigh, knowing what was coming. I quickly put one finger fully inside of her and watched her arousal coat my finger as I quickly pulled it out. I looked up at her tortured face, watching her try and muffle her frustration as she stuck the pillow between her teeth.

I waited again, more so because I was distracted by her. That look on her face was driving me crazy. I did it again and again and her moans were getting harder to gag. This teasing was torturing her.

“You’re so wet, baby. Do you want me to go faster?” I rasped, pressing my middle and ring finger now at her opening, my other hand pressing one of her legs open so I could go deeper inside her. She was getting angry with me now and squeezed my hand.

“Oh, Sara, fuck! Just fuck me already!” Tegan sharped an agonizing moan as she took the pillow away from her face.

I took pleasure watching her tormented expression, dipping two fingers slowly into her and doing just as she asked. She screamed into the pillow when my fingers went all the way inside her.

“Like that?” I didn’t stop teasing her, barely stroking my fingertips against her g-spot.

She tightened her legs around me and I pushed them back open as soon as she yelled at me for teasing her again. I pushed my thumb against her clit and sped up my rhythm in and out of her. Listening to her pleasured whimpers through her teeth turned me on so much; I couldn’t help but gawk at her.

“Does that feel good, baby?” Her hand was gripping my head now, biting back sobs as I lapped my tongue against her swollen clit. I missed her taste and I know she missed me doing this to her, too.

“Mm!” She jerked her hips against me as her stomach tightened, moans still silenced from her gag.

I flicked my tongue faster against her pussy, keeping my face buried between her legs. Tegan had her hand pressed so hard against my head that I wouldn’t have been able to come up even if I wanted to. I could tell by her grip that she was about to be pushed over the edge.

I took my two fingers out of her and caressed the skin down her protruding ribs to her lower back.

I didn’t stop tormenting her until I did what I really wanted to her.

“Don’t come yet, baby.” I ordered lovingly as I held her hand and kissed her wrists. I really was done teasing her. “Where’s your strap on?”

She gestured toward the night table beside her, she would have that unpacked already. I kept her hand in mine as I came up to kiss her shoulders.

“Are you gonna use it on me?” She asked with the pillow to her chest.

“Mhm,” I kissed the space between her breasts while she had her eyes covered. I had the dildo in one hand and my other on her breasts. She stretched out her ankles and jerked her chest up when I caressed them.

“Oh fuck, Sara. Oh my fucking god,” she breathed out in a low voice, face covered and gripping hard onto the pillow.

I slipped the straps up onto my legs and tightening it around my hips. I gripped the dildo and ran my fingers over the tip. My other hand took hers off from the pillow, massaging each of her fingers one by one. “Tee, baby, this is a nice hotel; the walls are thick and there’s no one around to hear us. Let me see your face.”

She peeped her head up and eyed the dildo, shooting her head back and rolling her eyes. “Oh my fuck.”

“Do you like it?” I asked as I let go of her hand quick to dim the lights and light the fire across the room.

“Can you just get over here, babe?” I could hear the impatience in her words as she slightly stumbled them.

I walked over from the fireplace and over to the bed where Tegan was waiting for me. This room was hot enough for the both of us and I could see it on our cheeks thanks to the alcohol. But I really liked the ambience and romance that it added to the room.

We were both so turned on by each other. Tegan’s eyes were fixed and my body and mine were focused on hers as I crawled onto the bed and overtop of her. I lifted her calves and kissed her legs as I bent them up over my shoulders. I looked up at her slight open mouth and bitten lower lip as she took little breaths. She had her eyes locked on the dildo that was about to go inside her.

Tegan looked so innocent and I had to hold in a smile. I wish I could read her mind right now; I knew that if I giggled she would have been hurt again. She was driving me crazy right now, her face looked so adorable. She was so quiet. I kept my expression serious on her and waited for her to look back at me.

“I love you, Sare,” Tegan finally looked at me. She raised her eyebrows and did that twitch thing with her mouth that I loved so much. She said it as if I didn’t know, but finally saying back it since I had told her countless times out on the balcony.

“I love you, too, Tee.” I lowered my hips between her legs and sucked her lower lip into my mouth. Our breaths were mixed with our soft whimpers and impatience, but we took our time and took in the moment.

“Are you comfortable?” I asked through pressed lips as I fluffed the pillow that she had put underneath her head and away from her mouth.

“Yes,” she breathed, not compromising our kiss.

I gripped the dildo and found her clit, caressing it up and down her arousal. I pushed my breasts up against hers as she rolled her tongue against mine. I had to take a deep breath.

I still wasn’t used to this.

My sister had waited long enough and I had the toy pressed against her opening now. She was so wet already and the sheets were probably ruined, too. Tegan hooked her legs around my shoulders as she held me at my waist and pulled me closer.

“Do you want me to go slow?” I asked again, just before thrusting it into her.

“No,” her whisper cracked into a low voice, our kisses getting more intense now.

Tegan pushed her hands down to my hips and helped me put it inside her. I kissed the corners of her mouth to let her scream, not stopping when she started pulling my hair hard. She knew the safe word and I knew her limits. Her cheeks were blazing now from the alcohol and the fire and her arousal.

I listened to her body language and started to fuck her harder. I gave her one last kiss, Tegan’s teeth pulling at my lips as I let go. I put my hands onto the back of her legs and pushed them to her chest so I could go deeper inside her. She was getting louder and it made me want to fuck her harder. She was already so tight and I could feel her pussy tighten more around the toy.

“Is that good, baby?” I rasped over top of her, watching as I pounded in and out of her slick pussy.

“Fuck Sara, don’t stop!” She screamed as she gripped her thighs where I had my hands.

“You feel so fucking good, Tee. You’re so fucking beautiful,” I pulled the corner of her mouth with my thumb, wanting to kiss her but holding back. I wasn’t anywhere near done fucking her, there would be time for that later. I just wanted to hear her cursing my name like that.

I sat onto my ankles and pulled her hips up onto my thighs. The backs of her knees rested on my shoulders as I sat upright and I kissed her legs as she squeezed them tightly around me. I could feel her coming to her peak as I slid her pussy up and down my attachment, hips jerking with every thrust into her.

With the position I had her in, I took her hips and slammed her hard against mine without stopping. She looked so fucking sexy gripping onto the sheets as her tits bounced. Her lower back was off the bed and I increased my speed as I watched her eyes go lifeless. Her wet pussy against the toy and frantic shrieks were the only sounds filling the room.

“I’m gonna, Sare. I’m gonna!” She screamed as she fumbled to find my wrists, squeezing them just before she was about to collapse.

“Oh, fuck,” I swallowed hard. This is the first time I was doing this to her; it felt so intimate and perfect. I could barely take the heat now; I couldn’t even imagine what Tegan was feeling. “You’re close, baby, I can feel you coming, don’t stop.”

Her sweat slicked my body as I pressed her harder against me. I tried hard not to lose my rhythm as she rode me to her climax. Her cheeks were so flushed and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her face as she became overwhelmed.

Tegan’s body went still and tense, mouth wide open as she screamed uncontrollably. I held her hips right up to mine as she rode out her orgasm, slowing my speed the less she could handle. She would have hurt my wrists with her death grip if I weren’t so lost in her right now. I reciprocated the pressure as I felt her body convulse one last time around the toy, coming down from her high.

As soon as she calmed down, I lowered her hips and came up to wrap my arms around her. She brought her legs up to either sides of my waist, wrapping them around me with the toy still inside her. I could hold her warm body like this forever. I kissed her lips and she squeezed me tight, pressing my head into her neck so I kissed her there, too.

“I love you,” I breathed into the crook of her neck until she cupped my face and brushed her cheek against mine.

“I love you.”

Tegan’s smile was so innocent and pure. I couldn’t help but smile back.

“Did you like that?” I asked.

Tegan took a deep breath and exhaled, eyes still comatose. “Mhm, why’d we wait so long to do that?”

“I have no idea,” I kissed her lips again; I was addicted to them. “You’re not done yet, are you?”

“No,” Tegan swallowed hard again and I brushed my lips against her throat.

“I can’t get enough of you, my love.”

Tegan grabbed my head, body relaxed as I trailed my kisses down to each of her breasts until I got to her nipples.

“That’s our biggest problem right now,” she smiled as she held onto my hand, caressing the tips of my fingers.

“Mhm,” I was focusing on her body right now. Oh, how things have changed. Not for a second did I take this night for granted. But we were in no rush; she was mine for the night and for as long as we let it.

“Come here, baby,” I took the toy slowly out of her and sat up against the headboard.

Tegan kissed me and turned away from me to face the fireplace, letting me hold her by the hips as she got on her knees just overtop of the strap. I put my hand between her legs and rubbed her clit, fingering her slowly.

“You’re soaking wet,” I tasted my fingers and swallowed. I held onto her bum again, sitting her down onto the dildo, watching it disappear into her pussy.

I’m sure it was one or two in the morning by now. The room was burning and I knew she could feel it by the temperature of her body as I touched her.

The toy was fully inside her now and I put my hands on her chest, hugging her close to me as her legs sat on top of mine. I listened to her gentle, breathy moans as I rolled her buds between my thumb and fingers. I kissed her shoulders delicately and trailed up to her neck to her ear.

I rocked my toy in and out of her slowly, letting her feel every inch of it and take her time to come this time. I just wanted to hold her and take her in.

“I love you,” I breathed into her ear, letting my lips brush against before I tugged her earlobe with my teeth. For a second I worried she would think I said it too much, but I just couldn’t help myself right now.

“Mmm, I love you so much, baby.” Tegan smiled at me and I was kissing her blazing cheeks now, cupping her jaw in my hand. She turned her face and pressed her wet lips against mine. I traced her lips with my tongue and didn’t let her turn away. I could feel her hums and moans in my mouth.

“Is this okay?” I asked, since she didn’t want to go slow initially. I moved my hands from her ribs to her waist to her hips again, helping her grind against the dildo. She jerked her head back against my shoulder and I bit her neck gently.

“Mmh,” she cooed against me. “Uh huh,” continuing to moan quietly. I brought my ankles up toward my thighs to spread her legs so I could penetrate deeper into her.

“I love your neck,” I husked as I bit her skin. “And your legs,” I went, dipping my hand between them, delicately spanking her thighs before I brought my fingers where she wanted them.

Tegan took a deep breath in anticipation of my finger massaging her clit. “And your pussy,” she bit back a moan as I touched her sensitive spot.

“Oh!” She panted breathlessly, grinding her pussy against the toy. She grabbed my hand that was pleasing her, barely able to take any more. I could tell that Tegan was about to stop me, but she let me keep going until she orgasmed again.

“Does it feel good, baby?” I asked, wanting to make sure she was still about to come. Her hand was still on mine as her body became frantic as I kept my pace slow. “You know the safe word, right?”

“Mhm, please don’t stop, Sare.”

I pinned her unsteady wrist behind her back so she couldn’t fidget while I rocked into her harder and kept my rhythm on her clit. Tegan’s body started shuddering hard and I could tell she was starting to hurt now, climaxing to her second orgasm.

“No, baby,” I jerked my hand against her wrist again when she attempted to break free of it as soon as she hit another peak. Her other hand was gripping at my thigh, trying her best to keep it there.

“I know you’re gonna come, sweetheart, just grind your hips on the toy. I want you to come for me,” I nipped at her jaw and listening to her loudening, breathy moans.

“Ah! Fuck, fuck!” She shrieked as she got closer, hand from her thigh lurching to mine as I pushed her over the edge. I took my hand overtop of hers and made her touch herself until she came.

“Is that what you wanted to do, Tee?” I husked low and seductively. Her cheeks were so flushed as her brows furrowed and eyes shut. “Don’t you dare stop until you come all over me, okay?”

Her head threw back to the headboard, unable to hold back her pleasure anymore. She nodded her head and did as I asked as she rubbed her clit harder. We were loud as fuck; I let my hand go of hers as she continued to fuck herself. I grabbed Tegan’s sweat slicked hips and pounded her so hard into the toy.

“You’re so fucking pretty, Tee.” I kept my teeth on her neck, which was getting more difficult now the more her body lurched. I couldn’t taste her enough. “Your pussy’s so fucking good.”

“Oh, Sara, fuck me harder, fuck!” Tegan whimpered.

“Keep going, baby, don’t stop.”

Tegan stopped talking and her body convulsed one last time as I pressed her down on the toy. She didn’t take her fingers off her clit, doing exactly as I ordered. Her body was so sensitive now and so was mine with the way she grinded so hard against it.

I saw her mouthing that she was about to come, but the words barely escaped. I took my thumb to the marks I left on her neck and the rest of my fingers to the other side. I watched Tegan squirm in anticipation of her orgasm, looking as if her brain was about to short-circuit.

I remembered exactly how she did it to me, squeezing for a few seconds and releasing. The arteries on the sides of her neck were easy to feel from her tensing up. I raised my other hand to her neck and clutched them hard, kissing her ear as she pressed her body back into me.

“Come for me, Tegan,” I whispered underneath her hysterical sobs, releasing her neck.

I kissed her hot face as she calmed down, still touching herself and I got the hint that she needed to be choked one last time.

“Do it again. I’m gonna come, Sare,” she husked innocently.

She stopped touching herself and held her hands to mine, body weak as she convulsed into an orgasm one last time. Ardor filled the room as we came down from our high. I softened my hands at her neck and let her interlace them. I took her hands and kissed them tenderly.

“That was amazing,” I breathed.

Tegan let out a much needed exhale. “I need air.”

I lifted her hips up off of the strap and turned on the lights and turned off the fire. We quickly cleaned ourselves off in the shower, avoiding wetting our hair. As soon as we were finished, I handed Tegan a towel before I took mine to pat myself down.

I hung my towel to dry over the shower and ran to get fresh, comfy clothes. I threw on shorts since I was still boiling hot and threw a loose fitted shirt over my naked body.

I noticed Tegan watched from the bathroom door, smiling.

“Tegan, hurry up,” I sounded almost panicked with my high-pitched shrill. “Why aren’t you getting dressed?”

She sucked in her labret and flashed her teeth in a smile, “I’ve just fallen so hard for you.”

I smiled, but felt the need to argue with her. “You’re also drunk.”

“I am, but I’m in love with you.”

Oh, drunk, loving Tegan. How she made me blush.

If she didn’t know me so well she would have thought I was ignoring her, “And you also need air!” I rushed as I brought her clothes, urging her to get dressed so she didn’t faint from the heat.

I hurried her to put on her shorts and helped her into her shirt. She was too smiley right now. “Oh my god, Tee. You’re crazy. Come!” I exclaimed as I took her hand and ran to the doors leading to the balcony.

We spent a good hour outside, looking at the stars in the city and appreciating the landmarks and the crisp Paris air. Not once did our hands let go of each other’s. She held me close with my back against her as I leaned onto the balcony edge, giggling and kissing and arm-in-arm like we lived in a perfect world that had no tomorrow.

Sober now, Tegan scooped me up in her arms and opened up the double doors, trouble-free this time, taking an exhausted me to bed. The room had cooled down a lot now and I felt warm with her familiar body spooning me.

“Our show’s tomorrow,” I looked back at her, making light conversation before I fell asleep.

“Mhm. Third one,” Tegan breathed, kissing my fingertips as she rested her head on my shoulder. “Then Amsterdam.”

“That’ll be fun.”

“Hopefully not too exciting,” Tegan said. “I’d love to have one show where one of us don’t want to leave in tears.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Although the last time it was because you wrote me that song and played it in front of everyone.” I blushed and she squeezed my hand a little harder.

“Don’t worry, Sare, I’ll let you know if I do that again,” she laughed quietly. “Besides, I’ve already won you over. Do I really need to write you another song?”

I nudged my lower back into her waist and snickered, “You better.”

“Hmm, I think I’m okay,” she teased.

I turned around and she already had her hands up to defend herself. I put my knee between her thighs as she lay on her back, her hands at my wrists.

“Do you ever sleep?” Tegan asked, noticing how much I love play fighting with her.

“No,” I kissed her on the mouth, taking her arm around me as I lay on her. “I am tired, though.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to tell.”

We were tangled in each other now; my chest resting against Tegan's, my face by her ear, an arm underneath her bum and the other inside her shirt playing with her ribs. Tegan had both her hands on my hips as I began to fall asleep on top of her.

“Shh,” I kissed her lips one last time and closed my eyes. “Just let me sleep, baby.”

“Sara,” she chuckled under her breath and kissed my nose.

“Goodnight, Tee.”

“Goodnight, Sare.”

I got comfortable against her as my eyes got heavier, about ready to sleep. Even though I felt exhausted, my mind was on and thinking.

“Hey, Tee?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“You think tomorrow’s show is gonna be…normal?”

“Of course I do, Sara. You have nothing to worry about. No one’s out to hurt us. Get some sleep, babe.”


	46. Interment

**Stacy**

Lower. Deeper. Until finally, set down into place.

 

That was my best friend in there. A hollow pang flooded my heart while I watched the workers throw dirt on Lindsey’s grave and cover it up. Her casket was absolutely beautiful: a polished mahogany, wooden overcoat hidden under countless bouquets of flowers. Those heavenly blooms were all that was above ground now, along with her equally stunning tombstone.

 

Six feet under.

 

Buried.

 

She was loved by so many. I knew it to be true when I could barely make out the red tulips I had brought for her in all of the rest of the flowers.

 

Those were her favourite.

 

I had to stop myself from reading her name on that stupid, gigantic stone. I thought I would go crazy if I read it one more time. This month has had me so desensitized that, hell, maybe I wouldn’t mind if I went crazy.

 

Maybe I was already there. I was watching my best friend get buried underground forever and shed no tears.

 

I still hadn’t forgiven myself for what I had done to Tegan. I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe Lindsey did that. That was so out of both of our characters.

 

For a second it occurred to me that perhaps I didn’t know Lindsey as well as I thought. I considered her my best friend, but how well did I know her really? She stooped low for raping Tegan, but I’d be a hypocrite to not see that I did exactly the same thing to her. But Lindsey  _did_  trigger it; that counts for a whole lot more than me just following along out of anger. Lindsey had no reason to hurt her like that.

 

What was Lindsey’s motive?

 

And this Colin guy, Lindsey was cheating on Tegan? I never thought she would do that. Never in a million years. From the outside, they were in love. They were inseparable. I thought they were going to get married. I even remember Tegan talking proposal ideas recently.

 

But what was Lindsey doing with some  _guy_?

 

I looked around and I felt more and more distant to Lindsey. Her family was nowhere in sight. Heck, I’ve never even met her family. For all I know they could be dead. There were a lot of people here, though. She had always been super popular and successful in her photography career. So I assumed the majority of the room was friends and loyal clients—of course not many of the faces I recognized.

 

And don’t even ask me how she died, because frankly I have absolutely no idea. Nobody here did. For all I know, her body may not even be in the casket. It was all just so sudden. Chills were sent up and down my spine just thinking about it.

 

She’s not here anymore.

 

“Hey, Stacy,” I was startled by a gentle hand on my shoulder, looking up and seeing a familiar face. I couldn’t remember his name, but I had seen him at a few get-togethers.

 

“Hey!” I tried not to seem like I didn’t know his name.

 

“You’re here alone, where’s Sara?”

 

I felt a lump in my throat when he said her name. Nobody knew Sara and I weren’t together anymore, at least  _my_ circle of friends and family didn’t. I hadn’t left the house since last week when everything happened. Of course today was an exception. I’m still taking it in, it’s too much for me to handle.

 

Memories rushed back of the day our relationship ended. When I saw those hickeys on Sara’s neck—I was hoping to God there was some other sort of logical explanation for those. I knew they were from Tegan the moment I saw her face.

 

And Sara, my god I miss her so much. I was so in love with her—I still am and it hurt so badly and I was so angry with her for what she had done to me. I have so many emotions for this unfamiliar situation that I don’t even know where to begin. I couldn’t be nasty towards her because of my letting Lindsey take advantage of Tegan. I would spend forever making it up to them, but that still doesn’t cancel out my broken heart.

 

The incest. The rape. The breakup. The death. It crossed my mind that Lindsey’s passing may have had something to do with the situation going on with Sara and Tegan. My heart ripped out of my chest just thinking about it.  _Oh God, that would be sick. Don’t go there, Stacy_. Peace of mind came to me when I remembered that Lindsey had been home a while since she died. They probably had nothing to do with it. Maybe they don’t even know she’s passed.

 

Lindsey, however, didn’t give a shit when she found out about them. It didn’t occupy her mind even a bit, she just jumped straight to objectifying them. She must not have cared about Tegan at all like I thought. Tegan has been through a lot this week, too. But only one of us had a happy ending.

 

I just don’t know how to deal with our breakup. I don’t know what to say when somebody asked me, but here it was. Someone’s finally asking. I jumped out of my wasted thoughts and threw myself back into reality.

 

“She’s touring Europe, her and Tegan couldn’t make it,” I left out a huge chunk of my personal life.

 

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’m sure you miss her when she’s gone, hey?” He asked with a friendly smile, trying to lighten up the energy.

 

“I do miss her…a lot,” I may have let out my sadness than I wanted. I’m sure my expression was showing it.

 

“I’m sorry to hear that, Stace. I can’t imagine how hard that can get at times. And Tegan’s not here, either? Her girlfriend just died, you think they’d cancel the shows?”

 

He had a point. Due to Tegan and Sara probably wanting to keep their relationships minimal to the public I decided to go with it. It was the least I could do.

 

“You’re right. It’s terrible, isn’t it? Well, they are both so passionate, I guess the show must go on…”

 

-

 

**Tegan**

 

Meet and greet time!

 

Third show of the tour and we were just getting started. Second one in Paris. It felt like a lifetime ago that the first show in Paris happened. But it was only the other day. Regardless, I was pumped to be meeting some new faces and catching up with old, familiar ones.

 

I had my hand on the door and looked to Sara, her hand on my lower back and a big smile gleaming at me.

 

“Get your hand off me, Sare! Let’s go!” I grabbed her hand playfully and throwing it to her side. I pinched her waist and that made her laugh.

 

“Tee, hurry up already!” She mocked back.

 

I stuck my tongue out and smacked her on the butt, causing her to push me and open the door.

 

The first thing I saw were the fans, they looked a little different than usual for some reason. My memory must have been hazy. Their faces lit up as they watched us walking towards them while we playfully shoved each other, laughing and smiling at them.

 

“Oh, hey guys!” I looked at them with an excited face. One of them ran up to me for a hug and Sara going to another group of fans not too far away from me.

 

“It’s so nice to see you again!” The fan shrieked and stayed hugging me.

 

“It’s so nice to see you, too! Sara and I are so excited to be here before the show,” I said as I peeled her off of me and grabbed her phone for a selfie.

 

“That’s great you guys are doing so well considering the circumstances. I’m sorry to hear about Lindsey, Tegan.”

 

Her comment caught me completely off guard. “What?”

 

“Lindsey’s passing,” she said as she took the phone from my still hand.

 

“You…you know about that?”

 

Sara looked at me with the most horrified expression I’ve ever seen in a long time. She looked so flustered, and as much as I wanted to run and hold her. There was nothing I could do about it.

 

_Did she overhear this fan that was talking to me?_

 

Another fan ran up to me and barely said hello, “We knew it, Tegan! We’re so glad you and Sara are finally out.”

 

_What?_

 

“Tegan! What did you do to Sara’s neck?” Another fan shouted out as they ran from me to her, winking at me.

 

_Is this really happening right now?_

My heart started beating faster.  _No, this can’t be happening. This isn’t happening._

“Don’t act surprised, Tegan. What do you expect when you guys are so obvious out in public? We saw photos of your date in Verona,” another one came up to me and raised their brows suggestively.

 

“And the photos when your mom caught you guys!” Interrupted another.

 

“Oh my god,” I freaked under my breath, snapping my gaze back into my sister’s eyes.

 

“Tegan, kiss Sara!” A voice shot from the crowd causing everyone to whistle and chant.

 

“Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her!”

 

My body was in shock. The voices waved in and out of my head. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. Or run away. I couldn’t.

 

“No! No! No!” I tried to let the words come out from my mouth, but my body just shook uncontrollably while I had my hands over my lips. My breath was heavy from exhausted panting and I felt a hand on my ribs.

 

I could finally my body in between the sheets and looked up to Sara sitting up over me. I could just make out her worried face in the dark. She didn’t say anything and looked back and forth into my eyes.

 

“Tee?” She massaged my ribs and kept her worried expression. “You okay?”

 

“Um, yeah—”

 

“Did you have a nightmare?” She asked, handing me the glass of water that was on my night side.

 

“I, uh, I guess so. It wasn’t real. Thanks, Sare. You’re so thoughtful,” I spoke in fragments as I tried to calm myself and take sips. I put it back down beside me when I was done.

 

“It  _wasn’t_  real, Tee. Come here,” she opened her arms and laid me down, taking me into a hug. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

I sighed, “I don’t know.”

 

“Tell me, baby,” Sara cuddled me into her more and kissed my forehead.

 

“Just that they found out about us.”

 

“Who did?” Sara questioned my vague explanation.

 

“The fans.”

 

She kissed me again and I tasted empathy on her lips.

 

“Are you gonna tell ‘em?” She questioned me sarcastically. I knew what she was getting at…

 

“Well, no—”

 

“Then you don’t have to worry, baby.” She reassured me as she kissed my lips in between each word.

 

“Sara, it’s not that simple! We can’t keep living in this fairytale for much longer! A public photo is going to surface soon and I know it!”

 

“Well, Tee, if that’s the case then we’ll worry about it when it happens, but that thought doesn’t serve you right now. We’ll do hard, remember?”

 

“But this would be…different. That’s our career!” I freaked.

 

“We’re going to be discrete about it. Just like we have been. We just have to be smart about it, baby.” She looked into my eyes; she knew I wasn’t buying any of it. “Stop, Tee! Just rest!” She ordered as she kissed my forehead again, suggesting that my brain needed to stop going a million miles a minute.

 

“But what if it does happen, Sare?”

 

She looked at me and smiled. That look calmed me down—it relaxed me. “Well then we can get through anything, baby.”

 

I believed her. I don’t know why. Some might call me stupid, but I believed every word that came out of her mouth right then and there. She meant it; I heard the promise in her words. She was committed to me, and we were going to figure this out together.

 

“Yeah.” I smiled back. I let her hands underneath my shirt while her fingers danced on my skin, “We can.”

 

“The most important person in the world knows about us, and we didn’t die. She  _saw_  us.”

 

Oh God, that’s a horrible memory, but she was right. “Mom.”

 

“And with time, she’s going to accept it,” Sara kept doing her best to comfort me.

 

“We put her through so much,” I spoke with guilt flooding my voice, loud enough for Sara to hear.

 

“I know, Tee. I know. There’s so much I wish she didn’t see, but she still loves us. See? If we worried about mom knowing the whole time it would have been pointless,” Sara justified.

 

“Alright then, Sare—if someone confronts us about it, I’ll let _you_  handle it. Since  _you’re_  so sure of yourself,” I raised my brows, snide since she was being the wise guy.

 

“I’m just saying! There’s no need to lose sleep over it now if it’s not happening.”

 

“Well that’s sure easier said than done,” I replied. Rude awakenings bring out the pessimist in me.

 

“Tee,  _shut_  up!” Sara put her hand over my mouth, “Do you ever stop thinking?”

 

“No,” my response muffled by her palm as I shook my head.

 

Sara rolled her eyes at me, giggling and putting her fingers through my hair. “Can you sleep now, baby? You haven’t even been asleep two hours. It’s four in the morning; we have to be up at eight.”

 

“I think so.”

 

“Well I’m right here, wake me if it happens again.” She kissed my cheek and cuddled me into her, collapsing onto her side next to me. Her natural scent as she held me was very calming to me, relaxing me more and more each minute.

 

Sara was right—it was just a stupid dream.


	47. Circulation Part I

**Tegan**

The feeling of ecstasy between my legs woke me up almost as fast as last night’s nightmare could. I thought I was having another dream, until my hand moved down lazily between my legs and to Sara’s head. I pulled her hair in between my fingers and bit my lip.

 

“Oh fuck,” I tried to bite back a high-pitched moan.

 

“Good morning, baby.”

 

“Oh Sara, mmm God,” I didn’t expect this. I needed to prepare for this. Her mouth made my eyes roll back and felt so good on me first thing in the morning.

 

“Did you sleep well?” She didn’t really care as she hummed the question; she barely took her lips off of me when she asked. Sara knew very well there was no other way I’d rather wake up than like this. She was clearly more interested in what was going on between my legs right now and she knew she was doing a fucking good job.

 

“Ugh fuck, uh-huh,” I rasped, trying to form a proper  _yes_ or at least an  _mhm._

 

“Yeah? Mmm, that’s good, baby.” I didn’t know if  _good_  was referring to the fact that I slept well or how I tasted. She was so into it and fixated on what she was doing with her tongue, making note of every time my body jerked when she flicked it. God, it was so fucking hot watching her underneath the covers. I listened to her pleasured moans and hums every time she sucked on my clit.

 

Fuuuuck.

 

Her hands were all over me as she played with my wetness, causing me to jerk. She let out the most innocent giggle, finally looking up at me as she took my hands into hers.

 

How could someone be so fucking adorable and sexy as hell at the same time?

 

I almost let out a smile as we made eye contact until made my body jolt again. I shot my head back against the headboard and Sara giggled harder as she saw me hit it. She grabbed my hips, pulling me further down the bed and closer into her so I wouldn’t do it again. I would have been embarrassed if I could focus my attention there, but it was near impossible when she was pushing me over the edge.

 

“You’re adorable,” she commented on me hitting my head. I knew she would.

 

“Ugh, shut up, Sare,” I let out with a grunt while she managed to continue making light of this situation. She nudged my hand playfully at my response before she let me grab onto hers.

 

She must have been getting hot so I pulled the covers off of her with my other hand. “Fuck, you’re naked?” I moaned again. She squeezed my hand harder knowing she was about to make me come.

 

“Mhm,” she hummed her mouth against me. The vibrations of her lips mixed in with the flicks of her tongue had shocks sent through my core.

 

“You taste so good, Tee,” she moaned against my body as I grinded against her face, about to come.

 

“Oh my god,” I whimpered high-pitched and shrill. Her sucks and flicks turned to soft kisses against my clit until my orgasm stopped.

 

I tried to open my eyes and watch as Sara came up from between my thighs, wiping her lips of my arousal and licking her fingers with seduction. She took her legs to either sides of my waist and straddled me, holding herself up while gripping onto my arms.

 

“Hello,” she smiled at me so innocent as if she didn’t just do that.

 

“Hi baby,” I breathed, body weak thanks to her. She dipped her face down to mine to give me a kiss, pressing her naked chest against me. I could feel the outline of her breasts through my clothes, along with her erect nipples as she proceeded to rub herself against me.

 

Still straightening my body out from just awakening, I slowly flipped us over so that she was on her back now. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her breasts while she crossed her arms behind her head, pulling her hair and stretching.

 

Sara so cutely wrapped her legs around my body and jerked her hands to the back of my head when I kissed her nipples and caressed them between my thumb and middle finger. That drove her craziest and I could feel it in her body language.

 

I could feel her internal battle before she even said anything. “Tee, no, we can’t. We have to be out of here in an hour.” She carped, simultaneously pressing my mouth against her chest and pushing me off of her.

 

Her ankles squeezed my waist tighter as I brushed my teeth against her nipples, not paying attention to her.

 

“You should’ve thought about that before you took your shirt off,” I husked assertively, still teasing her. She looked so fucking beautiful and sexy and I couldn’t keep my lips off of her, especially when she was moaning like that.

 

“Tee, no, we don’t have time!” She shrieked and stopped trying to push me off. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Oh my god, Tee, please!”

 

I bit down harder and she let out a loud, pleasured moan. “You sure you want me to stop?”

 

“Oh fuck, oh God, Tee!” She screamed as I gently pulled my teeth off of her. “Red, red, red,” I heard panic in her tone and worry rushed upon me as I looked up to her face. She unraveled her legs from me and got up, walking towards the bathroom completely naked.

 

“Okay let’s shower.”

 

“Sara!” I grabbed her hand and turned her giggling face to mine, “Oh my god, I could have actually hurt you! That’s not funny!”

 

“Well you didn’t listen to me! I’m sorry, Tee. Just come,” she gestured in through the bathroom door, “just get in the shower with me.”

 

Oh Sara, you tease.

 

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. I can’t believe she used our safe word like that. It could have been serious. She’s gonna turn this into the girl who cried safe word. But I’ll admit, maybe I needed to learn how to take no for an answer.

 

Already naked and using it to her benefit, Sara turned the water on and left the curtain open to watch me undress. She bit her lip while eyeing me up and down.

 

“Don’t look at me like that,” I said, seriously. I was frustrated she turned me down just now.

 

“Aw, I’m sorry,” she smiled, condescending me.

 

“No you’re not.”

 

“Just get in here,” she said, pulling me under the rainfall showerhead with her.

 

I watched the steaming, hot water hitting her body and already felt tortured. She was right though; we didn’t have time for that, as much as I couldn’t bare myself to admitting it.

 

“Here you go, Tee.” She smiled as she handed me the shampoo once she finished lathering her hair with it.

 

“Thanks, tease.”

 

“Hey, take that back!” Sara whined.

 

“I don’t wanna lie to you, Sare.”

 

“You’re so mean!” She was cute even when I was frustrated with her. “We don’t have time!”

 

“How long until we have to leave?” I asked, just about ready to beg. Ugh.

 

“Just less than an hour.”

 

“ _Please_ , Sara. We’ll be quick.” There I go.

 

“Tee…”

 

“Don’t do this to me, Sara. Five minutes, not even. We won’t get to be alone tonight,” I justified, finally begging now.

 

I saw her expression turn, I convinced her and she was considering it. I kept the water running and picked her up before she could think it through, causing her to shriek and trying to get me to put her down. She had her arms and legs wrapped around me like her life depended on it, but I knew she secretly loved when I held her like this. As much as she tried to fight it and refuse me, I could see it in her eyes how much she wanted it. I carried her out of the shower and set her bum down onto the cold, marble countertop.

 

“Stay there, beautiful. Don’t move.” I ran out of the bathroom to grab the strap and pulled it up along my legs. Sara immediately eyed it as I walked back in.

 

Her eyes still fixed on the strap as I wrapped her legs around my waist. She was gripping my shoulders with unsteady hands. “Okay. Five minutes,” she swallowed nervously.

 

Sara’s skin was hot and her body soaking wet. The room filled with steam and I could barely make out our reflection in the mirror behind her. That would have been hot. I kept the shower running since I had to keep my promise.

 

Five minutes.

 

She let me spread her thighs more and I pressed the toy against her opening, feeling her arousal. I watched her body writhe as she anticipated me to put it in her.

 

“Fuck me,” she husked with a bitten lip.

 

Her inhale was sharp and before I knew it, I was pulsing into her with the strongest grip on her hips. She scrunched her brows and shut her eyes tight, trying to close her mouth but she was the farthest from it. She had a death grip on the faucet with one hand now and the other on the edge of the counter while her body shook and convulsed in my hands.

 

“Don’t let go of me!” She shrieked as I fucked her in such an unsafe position, given how wet her body was from the shower against the smooth marble.

 

“I’ve got you, baby,” I pulled her hips into mine as I kissed her lips, feeling the vibrations of her moans in my mouth while we fucked.

 

I could feel her orgasm coming. She wanted to grab onto me, but kept her hands where they were for fear that I wouldn’t hold her up. I made sure she was stable and choked her with one hand; I could tell she wanted it. Her uncontrollable screams filled the room and I couldn’t help but wondered if the echoes carried into the halls.

 

“Choke me harder,” she pleaded. Oh god, she was irresistible and she looked so pretty. That was one of the sexiest things I’ve ever heard her say.

 

She kept her eyes open this time while she screamed, eyes going lifeless as I focused on her. Fuck.

 

“That feel good, baby?” I kissed her hands and removed her from her death grip on the countertop, turning her around and putting her palms flat on the counter. I listened to her sweet moans and whimpers as I lay her chest against the marble; almost certain she jerked her body from the cold on her.

 

“There’s one more thing I wanna do,” I husked against her ear.

 

Her moans were uncontainable as she waited for me to fuck her pussy with the toy. I could tell she was a little nervous so I kissed her along the back of her neck to her shoulders. I had the dildo between her legs, gently pressing it into her, her moans calming down.

 

“Is this okay, Sare?” I asked to make sure before I started thrusting it. This was definitely a more sensitive position; she could feel every inch of me and I could go much deeper inside her.

 

“Mmm, yes.” I listened and kissed her shoulder blades one last time. “Oh! Fuck! Fuck!” She whimpered a mixture of curse words as I sped up my rhythm. Her hands pressed against the mirror and leaving a handprint as she pulled it away, body shaking uncontrollably.

 

I grabbed her hips and spanked her soaked thighs harder with every whimper. God she was unbelievably sexy. “Fuck me harder,” she begged. My knees were going weak just at the sound of her.

 

I listened to her request and did just that, her moans getting shakier and body getting closer to her peak. I shoved my hands between her chest and the countertop. I held her breasts and felt her body convulse against me.

 

“Sare, you look so beautiful from this angle.”

 

She came down from her high, still heavy breaths as she kissed me. A sweet smile came onto her face, “Thank you.” Her innocence drove me wild and I could never get enough.

 

I pulled her body upright as she held my hands lovingly, “you need to get cleaned up.”

 

“You managed to get me dirty in two minutes,” she smiled as she looked down at the sex on her legs. I pulled the strap down and cleaned her arousal off of it, following her back in the shower to finish washing up.

 

We got cleaned up and ready in the bathroom, mostly half-naked until we had our hair and makeup done. Sara kept getting angry with me for trying to kiss her and touch her playfully the whole time we got ready, and kept urging me to start packing up my things. If she really wanted me to stop bugging her, she’d stop looking so sexy when she was mad and put some clothes on.

 

“We’ve got ten more minutes until we have to leave, Tee. You ready?” Sara was getting anxious now as she shouted from the bathroom.

 

She had nothing to worry about.

 

“I’m ready now, baby,” I walked over and gave her a kiss on the cheek as she watched us in the mirror reflection. I could feel her calming down and blushing, so I trailed my kisses down to her neck.

 

“Oh! Be careful, Tee. I covered the marks with makeup,” Sara gently pulled my face from her neck.

 

“Sorry, Sare.” I brushed my fingers along the marks that would have been there, “It looks good.”

 

“I put it in my bag in case I need to touch it up.”

 

“Smart,” I winked, pushing her up against the wall and kissing her rosey lips. “Ready to leave?”

 

We shared a long, passionate kiss and she took her time before responding to me—one last kiss in this hotel room. She took a deep inhale as our lips detached from one another.

 

“Mhm.”

 

We dragged our suitcases and I took one last look at our room before I walked out the door. This hotel had some good stories and definitely some bad. I remember coming in here thinking Sara and I were going to be sharing a room and then we went our separate ways. That hurt so bad. I thought it was her way of punishing me for spending that night with Lindsey, but I guess she was really just protecting me. And when Emy showed up out of nowhere, that was a hard day. I took one last look at the room and said a mental goodbye. I kissed her hand as we walked toward the elevator, luggage in hand, ready to see everyone to hang out before the show.

 

I couldn’t help but smile as I looked at Sara as she sweetly minded her business. That girl could break my heart in a split second. I know it to be true; because she did it when she told me she couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t care though, she could break my heart into a million pieces over and over and I know she’d put it back together. We have that bond, we’re used to fighting and making up, and that was our relationship since we met each other. We were bound by something more than just love. I never knew a day without her and I never will. She had a part of me that no one else in this universe could understand. She’s had my heart for as long as I can remember, and there’s no one else who I would trust more with it.

 

“What?” Sara looked at me with innocence, noticing I was deep in thought. I must have been staring at her all love-eyed. Whoops.

 

“Nothing.”

 

We dropped our luggage off in the trunk of the SUV that was taking us to the venue. It was a beautiful, airy day and I could smell the fancy wine and croissants that Paris was known for. I knew the Eiffel Tower was close. And Sara would be devastated if she didn’t get a chance to see it before we left. We would be pretty pressed for time tonight, but I think I can make it work.

 

_How have I not explored this beautiful city with her yet?_

 

“You think the Eiffel Tower is around here?” Sara asked.

 

“I was just wondering the same thing,” I smiled as the wind blew my hair, windows down and in the backseat with her.

 

“I hope we pass it,” she said innocently as we drove through all the busy streets.

 

“We won’t leave without you seeing it, I know it’s your favourite.”

 

“Oh,” Sara stopped looking out the window and smiled sweetly at me, hands folded on her lap. I couldn’t help but smile back.

 

-

 

The lively chatter of fans filled my ears as we snuck our way back stage without them noticing us. A lot of them were here early and that really excited me, tonight was going to be a great show. We had a few hours to kill while the crew set up so we all hung around. Luckily, none of us were very hung over, but back stage was a pretty quiet gathering. Sara and Colin had books in hand, Emy was on her laptop working on art designs, Ted was practicing on the guitar and Jasper and I were glued to our phones.

 

A wave of anxiety came over me.

 

Why was I getting nervous all of a sudden? I looked up at everyone and they were all in their own little worlds. Sara and I were sharing a couch—her legs resting on my lap as she lay down with her nose deep in her book.

 

Then it came to me, it was my dream.

 

I felt a lump in my throat. Was it possible that maybe some fans did know about us, or perhaps Lindsey’s death? I haven’t been on social media in ages. I remained oblivious to the unknown. I know Sara has been updating our band account with location check-ins and the odd selfie, but I don’t think she’s been looking through feeds of anything of that sort. If anything were peculiar, she would tell me. And she seemed pretty confident that our secret wasn’t going to get out to the public.

 

My curiosity got the best of me, what  _did_ the public know?

 

Sara couldn’t see from my phone so far away from me and into her book and no one else was in close proximity either. I checked Lindsey’s Instagram and as eerie as it was, her last photo was from three nights ago.

 

That was the day she died.

 

Have we been so absent-minded? I guarantee that people know, how can it  _not_  have gotten out on social media? There was no way it hadn’t. I clicked on her latest picture: an artistic selfie that she had taken with her favourite Nikon camera through a mirror. Her blond hair a mess, hazel eyes bubbly and narrow and tongue sticking out.

 

That look in her eyes; that’s the Lindsey I used to know. Then there was this other girl; the one Colin showed me that she was. A complete stranger and it scared me to think about. I spent the last five years of my life with a  _complete stranger_ ; I thought I had known everything about her. God, I wanted to marry her and be with her the rest of my life.

 

I had a feeling there would be comments addressing her demise. I couldn’t help but scroll through and see for myself:

 

_“I’ll never forget you Linds, rest in peace sweetheart.”_

_“Such a beautiful picture, a world without you is unbearable. I love you always.”_

_“So sad to see you go. You were my inspiration, Linds.”_

_“It hurts so bad to think that I won’t see you again. RIP baby.”_

_“Can’t believe I just went to your funeral today, it wasn’t your time to go.”_

I was about to gasp before I stopped myself.  _Her funeral passed?_  Oh my god, I didn’t even think of that. There was no way we would have been able to make it. So the secret was obviously out; I’m in shock. I bet people were asking why I didn’t show up.

 

Oh god.

 

I think Sara could feel my tension because she lowered her book to her chest and I noticed her looking at me. We made eye contact and she wiggled her feet as she rested them on me and gave me a wink. I squeezed her ankles and awkwardly smiled, licking my lips as I looked away. I saw Emy glance over out from the corner of my eye, Sara shoving her head back into her book as she noticed, too.

 

Attention back into my phone, I couldn’t read the rest. It was too much.  _View all 53 comments_. Nope. I clicked back and closed Instagram. I tried not to think about her, I tried to distract myself from the situation as best as I could.

 

But what about  _Sara and I,_ did anyone know about that? I mean, it was possible. God, please don’t be possible.

 

Now that Lindsey was out of my head, this was filling it. I had to know if our secret was out. So I went to the dark side of the cloud—Tumblr. Sara knew about it, too. Ugh, did the fans think we were idiots? I searched the quincest hashtag, hoping there was nothing updated past stupid conspiracies that I’ve already seen before.

 

_“Anyone know why Tegan left the stage the first night? I swear she was crying. Was Lindsey already passed away by this time?”_

Fuck.

 

_“I was at that show, and Lindsey was right beside me. Still alive.”_

_“It doesn’t make any sense why she was crying then. When I Get Up was about Lindsey. She really didn’t seem like she wanted to sing it that night though. Her and Lindsey seemed to be fine. And so did her and Sara. They were making a lot of eye contact with each other on stage, and more than the usual quincesty looks. You think they’re gonna come out this tour? Or maybe Lindsey found out about them and that’s why Tegan left the stage? Whatever it was, Sara ran after Tegan pretty fast. She had a death stare on Lindsey the entire show. Tegan barely made eye contact with her until the end, like she didn’t even notice she was there…then she freaked out…”_

_“Tegan and Lindsey_ were _still together right? I heard she didn’t show up at the funeral yesterday. Sara either…”_

_“Well, I thought since Lindsey was at the show that they were still together and happy. You think they’d cancel a show for her girlfriend’s funeral? Weird.”_

I kept scrolling.

 

_“How about that song Tegan wrote? Guilty As Charged was totally about Sara. Did you see her face?”_

_“Totally about Sara. Tegan said she wrote it that week. ‘I go back home to be by myself,’ it’s obviously about coming back from a tour with Sara. And why else would she use words like ‘guilty’ or ‘caught in the act’? Definitely some sort of forbidden love she’s singing about, or maybe I’m just going crazy and it’s just a random song about past heartbreak. Haha.”_

_“But did you see Sara’s face???”_

Fuck, Tegan you idiot.

 

“You okay?” I felt a hand on my arm.

 

I let out the loudest gasp and jerked my hands to my heart, a bit of my startled shriek seeping through. I closed Tumblr and locked my phone as fast as I could. Sara pulled my wrist toward her when she realized she had scared me. A few of them looked up, but then went back to whatever it was that was preoccupying them.

 

“I’m gonna grab another water, come with me?” Sara asserted.

 

She cut the pages with the bookmark and set it down, interlacing my shaky hand with her calm one. I could feel Emy’s eyes burning a hole in the back of my head and I didn’t want to look back. Sara led the way, turning the corner and shutting the door in the bathroom so she had some privacy with me.

 

She helped me up onto the countertop and she massaged my legs as she stood between them. I couldn’t help but look down as she tried to keep eye contact with me. “I’m just nervous for this meet and greet,” I admitted. I don’t know if I was ready to tell her what I saw on my phone.

 

“I know; that was a bad dream to have last night. Terrible timing, too.” Sara pulled my legs by the backs of my knees, letting me wrap my arms around her shoulders as I rested my head on her.

 

“Yeah,” my voice was as soft as a whisper. Sara could hear the worry in my tone and kissed me hard on the cheek. I felt safe with her, yet I couldn’t help but let a stream of tears run down my face.

 

We stayed holding each other as I cried quietly; Sara didn’t say a word as my body heaved up and down against her. She brushed her fingers through my hair, knowing how that calmed me down. I could feel my nervous energy transferring onto her, but she remained the strong one right now. I admired her for that.

 

“I’m scared, Sara.”

 

“There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

 

I could feel my tears falling onto her shoulders now, anxiety in my stomach starting to level out. She didn’t know what I saw; it was easy for her to say that.

 

“Sara, they know about Lindsey,” I admitted.

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised, Tee. Word travels fast.”

 

“What if someone asks me about it? How do I respond? What do I do?”

 

“Breathe, Tee. Please calm down. It’s okay. It’ll all be okay. Just be you. The fans are probably going to give you their condolences and that’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Sara reasoned.

 

I let out a sniffle and as I anxious as I was, I guess she was right. This was just really scary and this dream made me feel weak. “Okay.”

 

Sara was quiet and our bodies coordinated as we breathed; mine finally matching hers and calming me down. I hugged her tight and hoped that was all my tears for today.

 

Nope.

 

“Is this it?” Sara piped up, catching me off guard.

 

I lifted my head up and looked at her averse face.  _She doesn’t mean what I think she means?_ “What?”

 

“You’re done, aren’t you?” She repeated again and my stomach dropped that she would say that.

 

“Sara, no—”

 

“Yes you are,” she started to argue with me. “You think this is too hard, don’t you?”

 

“Sara, stop, that’s not true—” I grabbed her arms and tried to show her my side.

 

“Well it’s not gonna get any easier, Tee! Don’t you see that? We don’t live in this bubble anymore where it’s just us.” She yelled and looked into my hurt eyes. I didn’t want to fight with her right now.

 

“Hey, I know that—”

 

“Then  _why_ do you keep doubting us, Tegan?” Sara shouted with fear in her tone. I swear everyone could hear us now. “I told you I don’t want anyone else!”

 

“I know that, Sara! Don’t act like this is easy because it’s not! I’m scared, okay?” I was shouting now, too. I don’t know what came over me, but her words really hurt. “I’m fucking terrified. My girlfriend is dead and everyone out there knows, do you know how that fucking feels right now?”

 

“Your  _girlfriend_? She’s not your girlfriend anymore, Tee!” Sara corrected me, seriously offended. My words slipped, I didn’t mean it like that. In my head there was still the Lindsey I once knew out there.

 

“Sara, please stop. You know I didn’t mean it like that. It’s still new to me—”

 

“She was a murderer, Tee! You didn’t mean shit to her!”

 

I can’t believe she said that to me. That really hurt. I got off the countertop and pushed her. “Shut up! Why would you say that?”

 

Sara grabbed me aggressively by the arms. “You’re not the only one getting hurt here, Tee. Stacy  _hates_  me! She thinks I’m fucking  _disgusting_! Do you know how hard that was to hurt her like that?”

 

“No she doesn’t, Sara! She’s still in love with you! She fucking  _begged_  for your forgiveness after she  _fucked_ me! Stacy didn’t fucking take advantage of you like Lindsey  _and her_ did to me! How could you say that? She’s not  _dead_ , she doesn’t  _hate_  you and she’s not out to  _exploit_ you!”

 

“Oh so  _I_  have the upper hand here? You think this is  _easy_  for me?” Sara fought back, rage in her words.

 

“Stacy’s in love with you, Emy’s in love with you! Everybody wants you and you can have them in an instant! Don’t act like the victim here, because you’re not.”

 

“Why do you always bring that up, Tegan? I told you I don’t fucking want them! You’re the one playing victim here!” She shoved my body and I was crying again.

 

“Sara, shut up! How can you say that to me?” I pushed her harder, “You saw what Lindsey did to me! You didn’t go through half the shit I went through!”

 

“ _I_  didn’t?!” She threw me hard against the wall. “Your  _girlfriend_  had a fucking knife to my neck and I didn’t go through  _half_   _the shit you went through?!”_

I struggled to let out a scream as I fought to resist her rage. “Stop! It slipped out, I didn’t fucking mean it like that, okay?”

 

“Then how did you mean it, Tee, huh? Do you still want to be with her if she wasn’t dead? Would you even be with me right now? She didn’t give a fuck about you!”

 

“Fuck you, Sara!” I slapped her across the face and I regretted it as soon as I did. “And  _everyone_  gives a fuck about you, don’t they?!”

 

“Stop saying that! Stop fucking saying that! Why don’t I just fucking give up on us already?! I sure as hell know that’s what  _you_  want!”

 

“I’ll do it for you then, Sare! I’m done, are you happy? I’m fucking done!” Sara’s expression changed the instant I said those words. I swear she lost her breath, standing still with pain in her unresponsive eyes.

 

Sara burst into tears and the doorknob was turning violently on the other end, “I hate you! I fucking hate you, Tegan!”

 

“Tegan, Sara, open the door!” Ted shouted from the other side.

 

I pulled away from her and cornered myself against the edge of the counter with Sara following me. “Get away from me!”

 

“You don’t mean that, baby,” Sara gripped my face; she wasn’t going to hurt me, she was too distraught herself now. But her crying was hysterical. “No. No, you can’t say that, you’re not done. You still love me, don’t you?”

 

“I never loved you. I hate you, too, Sare! How does that fucking feel to hear? And yeah, if Lindsey was still alive maybe you wouldn’t mean shit to me either! Maybe you were just a convenient fuck!” My tears broke my scream. I didn’t mean a word of that and she knew it. Part of me wanted to hurt her for the way she just hurt me.

 

Ted started banging on the door, “Tegan, open the damn door!”

 

She let out a pained cry as soon as I said all those hurtful things. I haven’t heard a cry like that from her in a long time. “Fuck you! Fuck you!” She continued to swear at me and push me. “Take it back, Tee. You don’t mean that! You don’t want to break up. You love me, you do!” Sara tried to hug me, but I couldn’t deal with her right now. She couldn’t handle my anxiety.

 

“I said get off of me!” I spat at her.

 

Ted got the door open by himself and bolted into the bathroom just as I pushed Sara off. She didn’t listen to my body language; she clung on to me as hard as she could until Ted broke us up.

 

“No! Tee, please!” Ted pulled Sara off of me as she tried to hold my hands one last time.

 

I didn’t have words. She was so cruel to me. Of all the people, I thought she would understand when a rush of anxiety came over me. I thought she would understand.

 

I choked on my hysterical sobs and tried to bite back loud whimpers, part of my hurt from what I just said to her. I didn’t mean it. Not a single word.

 

“Tee, say something!” Ted held onto Sara’s shaky hands, keeping her away from me while she yelled.

 

I shook my head and didn’t say anything else. I can’t believe I said that to her. I couldn’t bear to fight with her anymore and I didn’t want her to take anything I say seriously right now.

 

“Please don’t cry, baby, I don’t want to see you cry,” Sara choked out and fought against Ted’s grip. “I never want to be the one to hurt you.”

 

Ted hugged Sara into him and Sara bawled harder into his chest. She was starting to understand what she did to me was wrong. “Ted, I hurt her! Please let go of me! I just wanna be with her!”

 

“I need you to calm down first, Sara,” Ted asserted.

 

I wiped my tears as I tried to stay standing, legs going weak as I collapsed to the floor and hugged my knees into my chest. I let out more tears as I watched Sara and took in the fight that just happened between us.

 

“Tee! Please don’t cry. I love you. I love you so much. I didn’t mean a word that I said. I know you love me, too, baby. I know you do.” Sara fought to jerk away from Ted again, “ _Please_  let me go! Let me be with her,  _please Ted!_ ”

 

I couldn’t listen to her cries anymore; she was in agony and I never wanted to see Sara in a state like that. It hurt a part of me because, well, she has a part of me. I couldn’t stop my body from shaking and I couldn’t speak if I wanted to.

 

“Tee,  _please_ look at me.  _Please_  say something.”

 

I didn’t want her to see me like this. Or Ted. I covered my mouth as my body heaved up and down, making eye contact with her identical broken face.

 

“Ted, let her be with her.” I recognized Emy’s voice as soon as I heard it, seeing her standing at the door.  _Why did she come here?_

I watched her and she looked like she genuinely cared. It was Emy,  _why did I ever think she was out to take Sara from me?_ Maybe I was a little more self-conscious than I had thought about Sara and I. Emy glanced over and smiled at me sympathetically, understanding the pain on my face.

 

She only wanted the best for us; I didn’t see that until now.

 

I heard Sara whimper as she broke free from Ted and jolted towards me. I couldn’t help myself but to jerk in fear of what she might have done. Deep down I knew she wasn’t going to hurt me anymore; she was hurt enough for what she had done to me and that look on her face was proof.

 

I bawled hard when she knelt down onto the floor and held me. Even though I had a little bit of anger still built up towards her, I couldn’t help myself but to open my arms for her to hold me as soon as she grabbed me.

 

“Tee, baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean a word, not a single word. Are you hurt? Is this okay?” She asked a million questions in hysteria. Emy and Ted were watching as she wrapped my legs around her and held me by my thighs.

 

She studied my hands, shoulders and face for any marks. “Did I hurt you?” She asked again, sobs still heavy along with mine. Her shaky body made me uneasy, but I could feel her love for me as she analyzed every inch of me.

 

Sara moved my hair behind my ear and brushed her fingers along the right side of my jaw, letting out a small gasp. “Does this hurt, baby? I’m so sorry.”

 

I shook my head and looked into her eyes. She loves me so much. We both went quiet but we still weren’t alone; Sara didn’t care right now. She barely thought twice when she kissed the mark she left on my jaw and impatiently kissed my lips. I tasted her hurt. I tasted the tears on her cheeks. I tasted her apology.

 

The fact that we were not alone didn’t stop us from kissing, although maybe it should have. We detached lips for air every so often, but after fighting like that we couldn’t handle being apart physically for even a second.

 

“Can you forgive me, Tee? I want to know everything that scares you, I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I know this is scary, I know and you’re not alone in this, baby. I’m here. We’re always going to figure this out together. I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions. I know you love me because I love you and it feels amazing to feel this way. You don’t even need to tell me you do. I want you and every part of you. I don’t ever want to be without you,” She apologized in between kisses wholeheartedly.

 

Sara saw that I wasn’t comfortable with Ted and Emy still standing there and glanced over to them. They were just making sure we wouldn’t try to hurt each other, but it was time for them to give us some space.

 

“Can you guys give us a minute?” Sara asked respectfully.

 

Emy was about to come up to Sara and I. Ted took her hand and led her back to the main area where Jasper and Colin were. “Come, let’s give them some privacy,” I heard Ted speak quietly as they walked out. He shut the bathroom door behind him and we stayed still in each other’s arms.

 

Sara looked at me and we didn’t say anything. Faces serious, this was still love. Irrevocable, undeniable, irreplaceable, zealous, immovable, crazy as fuck  _love_. As off guard as this fight was to me, Sara said what she said out of fear. She didn’t have to tell me she was scared with me, because she made it obvious right then. I understood her and she didn’t have to say a word. I needed her to come back to how she was when she acted out of love, not fear.

 

Our breaths started to calm and syncopate and it felt good that no one was watching us right now. I felt slightly uncomfortable that Emy and Ted just saw us being intimate like that, but I would worry about that later. Right now I was focused on the remorse and guilt in Sara’s face.

 

Sara bowed her head and placed it just underneath the crook of my neck. She was still waiting for my answer. I was so caught up in the silence that I had forgotten, and maybe the answer wasn’t so obvious to her as it was for me.

 

I could feel her lips on my neck. Wet from her cries and steadying breaths tickled my skin. I listened to her sniffles that coated the silence in the room. I had my fingertips twirled through her hair as I smoothed my hand down her back.

 

“I forgive you, Sara. I’m sorry for what I said, too. None of it was true. You know that already, baby,” I whispered with my mouth against the crown of her head, giving her a kiss.

 

Sara broke down before I could even finish. I rubbed my hand up and down her body in hopes that she would stop soon. Her shaking body was becoming familiar to me now.

 

“Thank you. I know,” she spoke so softly, head still on my shoulder. “I love you.”

 

“I love you,” I reciprocated and she kept her face hidden. “Hey, look at me. It’s okay, it’s not like you haven’t been mean to me before. I can handle it.” I tried to lighten the mood, but I don’t think it was all too funny to her right now.

 

“I’ll get better, I promise.”

 

“Keep your promises, I trust you,” I reminded her. I finally saw the corners of her mouth form the tiniest smile, but it was a start. “You have my heart. You always will. And you look beautiful when you smile.”

 

Sara smiled harder, but I made her blush; she couldn’t hide it if she tried. I did forgive her. This wasn’t anything new to me; it’s just something that we know we need to work on now. It’s not going to be perfect, but being with Sara it will be pretty damn well close.

 

“Oh, thank you,” she spoke bashfully again and she made me giggle.

 

I inched slowly towards her face. She didn’t expect me to kiss her right now, but I knew she wanted it as much as I did. She looked up into my eyes as she held me, my face slightly higher than hers. My lower lip between her teeth and arms around her neck. My tears fell onto her cheek as we kissed each other and said  _I love you_  a million times more in between breaths.

 

“Are you okay to go back, Sare?” I pulled her lower lip with my teeth as I slurred the words.

 

“Mhm,” she kissed the corners of my mouth one last time. “Meet and greet’s soon, you think you’ll be okay for that?”

 

“Can you just stay with me?” I asked vulnerably.

 

“Yes,” she smiled sweetly and took my hands to help me up off the floor. “Always.”

 

I opened the bathroom door, hand on Sara’s back as I let her lead the way. The energy in the room was better than I expected. Of course I was imagining everyone to be looking at us after that episode, but they minded their own business and stuck their heads back into whatever was occupying them before we walked in. Ted looked back at me and Sara mouthed an  _I’m sorry_  to him, to which he accepted without hesitation and smiled back.

 

I plopped myself down onto the couch where Sara was sitting. I took her book in my hand and let her sit between my legs and lay down on my chest. She looked back at me and smiled as she took her book and immediately opened it to her page. I couldn’t help but kiss her temples and play with her hands as she read. For once, she didn’t seem to mind.

 

“Are you even reading?” I husked in her ear when I noticed she hadn’t turned the page in ten minutes.

 

Sara looked back at me and flashed an innocent grin, “No.”

 

Chuckling to myself, I slid her bookmark back into her page and closed it. I carefully moved it to the side and squeezed my arms around her.

 

“You’re not yelling at me? I win over the book? Wow, I must really be something special,” I teased her.

 

Sara tilted her head to the side and smirked a little. “Well, I’ve read it before.”

 

“Well, I’m nothing new and exciting either,” I winked at her.

 

“No, I guess not.” She pressed her back into me as she giggled childishly, knowing that she’d get some sort of reaction out of me.

 

Sara took my phone and looked at the time. “Ten minutes and we’re on for sound check. Ready, Tee?”

 

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”


	48. Circulation Part II

**Sara**

I kissed Tegan’s palm and gave her hand one last squeeze before we were visible to the fans. “I’m right here, darling,” I whispered to her, letting her lead the way as we walked out to get on stage for the sound check.

 

I looked over at her as I stood at one side of the stage, fiddling with my guitar. I watched her play one of her songs that a fan requested and she was doing well. Despite Tegan’s songs having a lot of emotion, she was able to hide behind her guitar and not feel so self-conscious about us or a fan bringing up Lindsey’s death.

 

Our conversations between song requests went smoothly. The audience laughed along while we told stories and most importantly, Tegan was calm and not on edge like she was this morning. She warmed my heart as I watched her give her all into each song while smiling at me every so often and making me blush. I had to stop myself every time I caught myself staring at her longer than a few seconds with such intensity and deep thought.

 

“Thanks you guys!” Tegan yelled from her microphone strumming the last chord to I Won’t Be Left. I bit my lip to control myself from smiling and blushing at the sight of her but I think I just made my facial expression worse.

 

This is never going to get easier.

 

Meeting the fans is when I noticed Tegan getting a little nervous. I stayed by her side just as I promised her, trying to do most of the talking and keep the mood up. Of course there were so many fans who wanted to talk to her specifically and that I couldn’t help. It was tough when there were fans sandwiching Tegan between themselves for pictures and others wanting to steal me away to talk and take pictures, too.

 

While conversing with a young girl who gave me a beautiful piece of artwork, I heard Lindsey’s name while Tegan was talking to someone. I couldn’t help but look over and worry if Tegan was okay. I thanked the girl for taking the time to make the art for us, took a selfie with her and hugged her as I wandered over to Tegan and the group of fans she was talking with.

 

“Thank you for the condolences, you’re very kind,” I walked into the conversation as Tegan tried to put out a smile, fearing this moment all day. I put my arm around her to comfort her, ready to talk for her if she wasn’t able to.

 

“What happened exactly?” A curious fan asked, cautiously.

 

“Well, uh—” Tegan nervously tried to answer.

 

“We don’t know yet,” I interjected. “Tegan got a call that she…passed…about a week ago and that was it. Nobody knows what happened.”

 

The girls looked at Tegan with sympathy and hurt; they were affected, too, clearly having admired Lindsey. “So nobody knows?” They asked, trying to wrap their heads around it.

 

“Nope,” Tegan pressed her lips together as she sighed out, looking at the fans appreciatively and vulnerably.

 

“We’re so sorry for your loss, Tegan,” one of the girls spoke on behalf of them all. I took my arm off from Tegan so she could give them each hugs, and then myself.

 

“Thank you guys, I really do appreciate it. It’s been hard, yes, but I’m so glad to have Sara here with me.” Tegan gave me a one-arm hug as she smiled to the group of girls we were talking to.

 

She had that right, where would I be without her?

 

**Stacy**

 

I couldn’t take any more of this; my distress was beginning to catch up with me. My best friend is dead and my girlfriend is never coming back to me. I’ve been weird since the funeral last night. I said my goodbyes to everyone and didn’t stay much longer; I told them I wasn’t feeling so well. And to be completely honest I really just couldn’t handle the crowds.

 

I couldn’t help but feel empty in the very pit of my stomach.  _What did I have now?_  There was nothing in my life to look forward to.  _How was I going to explain this to anyone?_ It’s still so fresh now, but what about when it settles?  _Sara left me for Tegan_ , yeah that sounds real great. Not like that’s my secret to tell anyway.

 

Before she died, Lindsey sent me a picture of Sara with Tegan, as fucked up as that is. I couldn’t delete it; it pained me how happy they were together. It hurt so bad to see that glistening sparkle in Sara’s eyes with somebody who wasn’t me. All I wanted was to be that girl. I was never going to hear those adorable, shrill, childish giggles anymore; that was Tegan’s place now. I was forever indebted to have her as mine, I saw so much with our future and I knew she was the girl I would love until the very end—requited that is.

 

But this picture told my reality otherwise.

 

By no means did I hate Tegan, I just felt bitter towards her _. Why is this happening to me?_  I thought Sara was my rock, I thought we were made for each other. We  _were_  made for each other; I just don’t know why she doesn’t see it. This hurt so badly, I hadn’t stopped crying since I walked into my door yesterday. I was alone, so I didn’t hold back.

 

I didn’t feel alone, though, something didn’t feel right. Around me and inside me, too.

 

I’d never wish this feeling upon anyone; I had never felt this low in my life.  _But what did I do to deserve this?_  My heart felt so empty, like it had dropped and had no final destination. I bet Sara was having the time of her life right now, smiling and not a care in the world being with Tegan. I bet she hasn’t given me a minute of her thoughts.  _How could Lindsey be so cruel to send me this picture of them?_   _How did she even get this picture?_  My god, she was so conniving and calculating. Tegan had obviously just slept with Sara right before this was taken.

 

I can’t handle this anymore. I had to stop kidding myself; it wasn’t going to get better. It wasn’t going to get easier. I can’t replace my best friend and I definitely can’t replace Sara. And what’s left?

 

Nothing.

 

This wasn’t like me to feel this way, even in a time like this. It felt haunting, it felt low and ironically, it didn’t feel like anything at all.

 

I didn’t feel good sitting in the living room. Something was very off; no one was here, but the energy didn’t make me feel that way. I had to go upstairs to my bedroom, especially with the way I was feeling. I need to take my mind off of this.

 

The howls of my cries echoed throughout the house, nobody could hear me, though. I had no shame. I had to hold onto the railing as I walked myself up. I was weak. So fucking weak.

 

I collapsed onto my bed with weak knees. This room didn’t feel any better. It was worse. I surrounded myself in my sheets. The ones that Sara used to sleep in with me. The ones that we made love on just before she left to go on tour. When we were so in love and no one else was on our minds but each other. I could still smell her on them.

 

I gripped the sheets and soaked them with my tears.

 

I hate these sheets.

 

Everything reminds me of her in this room, but she wasn’t here anymore. She never will be. She’s moved on, she barely considered me and yet I can’t get her out of my head.

 

It was hard to breathe now. As much as I wanted to breathe, I didn’t need to. There was no point. I have nothing to breathe for. No more life to breathe. Numbness flooded my veins and lightheaded in my brain. I don’t need this oxygen anymore. As a vehicle, it served me no more purpose. My hands shaky and heart racing, I tore my sheets off of my bed.

 

I don’t want to do this.

 

Before I could stop myself, I was already walking toward my closet. It was a huge room. White. Filled with clothes. Mirrors. Lots of mirrors. And a stool. That’s it. My mouth was dry and jaw shaking.

 

_Why am I doing this?_

 

Dead centre of the room, I stood on top of the stool and stared at the hook in the ceiling. I tore the sheets in half, twisting it not-so-neatly to form a loop. I was in a rush; fingers shaky and arms fumbling. I couldn’t stop my tears as I watched the mascara-coated snivels drop to the floor. Raising my arms, I tied one end of the sheet onto the hook and the other tight around my neck, leaving the shortest distance in between the ends.

 

I looked at myself in the mirrors. I didn’t see myself anymore; this girl was not me. She looked feeble and dark and I couldn’t look her in the eyes. My unsteady hands reluctantly holding on to the noose around my neck, covered in cold sweat now.

 

I could feel it; these were my last few breaths. My final moments. Thoughts. It was going to end like this and I had no control over it anymore. It was too late.

 

“I’m not ready to go, I don’t want to…” I could hear myself and I got scared. My cries became louder. “I don’t want to, I don’t want to go.”

 

The shriek in my voice heightened and I let go of the noose as I kicked the stool back and anticipating a five-foot drop. I let the blood circulate in my body one last time as I watched myself in the mirror.

 

Goodbye Sara. Goodbye world.

 

This is my last breath.

 

Suspension.


	49. Circulation Part III

**Tegan**

 

Tonight’s show was a success and thank god because I don’t know if I could handle one more nuisance on my plate right now. How I loved our fans so deeply. As much as I didn’t want to talk about Lindsey, they cared to ask and make sure I was okay. And I couldn’t be mad at that. They didn’t ask anything more, and I love them for never overstepping.

 

“Thanks Paris, we love you so so much and we can’t wait to be back!” I shouted to the crowd as Sara and I walked out through stage right together, waving.

 

Sara smashed into my body and gave me the biggest hug, picking me up but not enough to get me off the ground. She wasn’t strong enough, ha. “We did it! That was amazing!” She cheered, jumping up and down and giddy from excitement that we could pull it off. And it was a ton of fun, just like always.

 

“Thank you so much, Sare. I love you. Like a lot. Thank you for always being there for me when I don’t think I’m strong enough.”

 

“I love you, too,” she kissed me as she spoke nonchalantly. “But don’t thank me, Tee. Sometimes I’m not very nice to you, and I can’t apologize enough to you for today.”

 

“I’m used to that, you think I’m not by now? Maybe I won’t let you off the hook so easily.” I winked at her.

 

“Oh,” she blushed and was caught off guard. “Don’t hold back then.”

 

She made me giggle.

 

“You girls ready to go?” Colin gave us each a hug, congratulating us on the show.

 

“Yes! Let’s get everything packed up!”

 

Sara and I got everything onto the tour bus and we were about ready to leave for Amsterdam. It was about eleven at night now. We didn’t have to be gone until one.

 

“Hey, Sare,” I piped up as I took her suitcase onto the bus. “Let’s go for a walk and see Paris.”

 

Sara was tired, but as soon as I said that, she had a look of excitement on her face. I loved being the source of her giddiness. “Paris? Really?” She said it like we hadn’t been here for days already.

 

“Yes! Come, baby,” I squeezed her arm and gave her a kiss on the cheek. We didn’t have much time. I took her hand in mine until the streets of Paris became populated. The air was crisp on our skin and the night sky was lit up beautifully.

 

“I see it!” Sara shrilled and jumped as she spotted the Eiffel Tower, as high as the eye could see, lights and all. “Tee, look, look! It’s so beautiful!”

 

“I thought you’d like it,” I smiled to her and stroked my fingers against her palm, tugging her hands as I guided her now. “Come here.”

 

It was an empty green field that was dying to be occupied. Everyone was crowded around the Eiffel Tower that this area was deserted. The view from here was extraordinary and being with Sara made it even better.

 

“Wow,” Sara gasped as she eyed the landmark without looking back to me. She had the sweetest smile on her face, “You had this planned all along, didn’t you?”

 

“Well I couldn’t have you leave Paris without seeing your favourite place in the whole world,” I said as I laid her down onto my chest as we watched the Paris night sky.

 

“But I was so mean to you today,” I heard the guilt in her voice.

 

“Sare, shut up,” I teased her and pressed my finger against her lips. “Just enjoy the last minutes of Paris with me.”

 

My arm supported the back of my head and the cold grass felt good against my clothes as I held Sara. She gave me a meek shove as she propped herself up over top of me to kiss me. “Make me,” she smirked.

 

“Are you challenging me?” I flipped us over and she was under me now.

 

I looked into her playful eyes and admired her rosy cheeks, “Am I ever not?”

 

I grabbed her face and kissed her hard on the mouth, cutting her off midsentence. “Good point,” I smiled and grinned. She barely noticed and I could feel her heart racing in her chest as I was up against her now. Her hums vibrated against my mouth and I didn’t want the kiss to end.

 

She looked at me and smiled as we detached our lips from each other. Lighthearted to ardor, I couldn’t help but ruin it. “That’ll shut her up,” I teased, provoking her as she pinched my sides and made me laugh.

 

The alarm I had set on my phone went off; it had already been an hour since we’ve been here. “Time flies, huh?”

 

“Whenever I’m with you,” Sara smiled, holding her hands to clasp mine as I picked her up.

 

“You’re adorable, Sare.” We kissed and took one last selfie with the Eiffel Tower in the background. We walked back toward the bus to head on to the next city.

 

I could tell Sara was getting cold as we walked back so I gave her my denim jacket that she loved so much. As much fun as I had with her, I sure as hell was excited to sleep. Something about sleeping on the tour bus while it drove—I liked it. We had a pretty nice one now; I wouldn’t be saying that about our last one or when we had to sleep in the back of a truck.

 

“Hey, no one’s around,” Sara noted as she brushed her fingers against my palm. I caressed each and every one of her fingertips before I interlaced them with mine. Her hands were cold, so I stopped walking to face her. I took her hands between mine and to my mouth as I warmed them up.

 

“Wanna sleep in my bunk tonight?” I asked as I kissed her warmed palms.

 

“Mhm. We’ll keep the curtain closed.”

 

“That’ll be tempting.”

 

“Tegan, don’t you  _dare!_ ” Sara gave an empty threat as she urged me to start walking again.

 

“Well, of course not.”

 

“Thank you,” she interrupted me.

 

“Not like you can be quiet anyway,” I sneered.

 

“Tee!” She shoved me again and that made her so predictable. I pushed her toward the tour bus and up the stairs as she faced me, firm hold on my arms and walking backward.

 

“You have some real nerve to be saying that!” She went on as I rushed her up the stairs of the bus as I squeezed her thighs laughing, then to her hips when we both leveled out again. “Shh!” She cooed quietly, when she noticed most of them (if not all) were sleeping, with her finger on my mouth. I had no choice but to follow her to the closet as she pulled me by my hand.

 

Sara took off my jacket and hung it up, trading her baggy shirt for a comfier one. I was about to undress her of her leggings, but made her do it instead. I knew I wouldn’t be able to help myself if I went down there. She grabbed a pair of silk shorts that barely covered her bum and showed off her porcelain thighs. I know where my hands were going to be tonight.

 

She noticed me gawking at her body and waited patiently for me to stop, with a smirk on her face. Sara enjoyed every moment. She cleared her throat and I finally got a hold of myself, taking my stage clothes off and replacing them with comfier pajamas. Two could play at this game; I found a wife beater tank top and a likewise pair of slutty-ass pajama shorts. Sara can’t resist me when my sleeves were showing; she’d always need to put her hands on me when they were exposed.

 

“Tease,” Sara shot at me, she knew exactly what I was doing.

 

“Takes one to know one, prude.” I squeezed her butt as she made me follow her to the bathroom, jumping in surprise as I did. She glared back at my snickering face. This girl. She raised her brow at me as she handed me my toothbrush and then took hers.

 

We watched our reflections making faces in the mirror at each other, Sara bumping her hips against me and giggling aimlessly. I put my hand in the pocket of her shorts and grabbed her butt. She wasn’t wearing panties. Fuuuck. She was asking for it.

 

I kept my hand squeezed on her ass as she took her hand to feel up my arm that was on her. I knew she would; she’s never resisted me in a tank top before, well, recently. I nudged her away as I spat my toothpaste in the sink stylishly, Sara giggling as she did the same and rinsed her mouth with water. She held my forearms and wrapped them around her waist. She stood in front of me, facing the mirror and away from me.

 

Sara’s shirt was white but by no means see-through. I could, however, make out that she wasn’t wearing a bra, which she took to her full advantage in torturing me. I shut the bathroom door tight and wandered my hands under her shirt, kissing her neck. Her hands were over top as she guided my hands up to her waist. Her nipples were exposed through her shirt now and I could feel her body getting warm.

 

“Mmm, fuck, baby. You’re so beautiful.”

 

“Hmm,” Sara hummed with heavy eyes as we both watched in the mirror, her eyes casually closing every time I kissed a sensitive spot on her neck.

 

I stroked my fingertips against her bare ribs, but Sara was quick to lead me up to her breasts. And I was totally fine with that. We didn’t say much while I felt her up; I just listened to her quiet moans. I wanted to make love to her right here so bad, but of course that wasn’t an option.

 

“You feel so good, Sara,” I spoke in whispers as I played with her breasts and caressed her nipples. She turned around to kiss my lips and I put both of my hands in her back pockets. She moaned calmly again as I held her bum. Sara’s fingertips gripped my arms, detaching her lips from mine to admire the ink I got for her last week.

 

“Your hands feel good on me, Tee,” Sara husked in a low voice as I hiked her up against me, picking her up by the bum and lips tickling my ear now.

 

“Bed?” I asked.

 

“Please,” she brushed her clean face against mine, her cheeks bubbly from smiling. I opened the bathroom door and carried Sara to my bunk. I laid her down on her back gently and put the blankets over her half-naked body, making sure the pillows were fluffed enough for her.

 

“Come here, already!” Sara shouted a whisper and pulled me next to her, opening the covers for me to fit beside her. I sat up to adjust the curtains and she didn’t once take her hands off of me.

 

“You were never one to be patient,” I kissed her lips again as I played with her. Sara squeezed her leg in between my thighs; they were so smooth against my skin. She shook her head against my face, mouthing a  _nope_  as we continued to kiss quietly, trying not to wake anyone. We pulled our lips off of each other slowly to keep from making that pucker sound and disturbing everyone. But Sara was quick to notice how much that turned me on.

 

“You like that, Tee?” Her voice was merely a breath.

 

“That’s such a redundant question.” I articulated since she knew very well what was on my mind, especially with her thigh making contact with my arousal between my legs.

 

Sara giggled, “You’re ruining my sweet talk. Quit taking everything for word.”

 

“Well I guess I’ll just shut up then.”

 

“Good,” Sara verbalized as she continued to grind her thigh against my core. Her tongue on my lips and I couldn’t help but massage mine against hers, she had me so weak-kneed right now. I did my best not to let out any pants or shrieks, but she did a damn good job at getting me worked up.

 

“Did you like how I woke you up this morning?” She whispered, tongue flicking my ear and causing my back to arch.

 

“Redundant, again. But so fucking much.”

 

“I can’t wait to do that again; you taste so good, Tee.”

 

“Ugh,” I grunted, maybe a little louder than I had intended. “You’re provoking me, Sare.”

 

“Oops,” so much satisfaction on her lips.

 

“Sadistic little shit,” I declared.

 

“Hey!” Sara nudged my shoulder as I flipped her onto her side so that we were spooning. My hand was in her shorts, squeezing her ass and slowly to her arousal between her legs.

 

I pressed my chest up to her back, hips grinding against hers and not taking my time as I brushed my fingers against her opening.

 

“You like tormenting me, Sare?” I played with her lips and just about placed a finger inside of her.

 

“Tee,” Sara was serious, “I said “don’t you dare.’”

 

“Sounds like a double standard. You never listen to me, hmm baby?” I put my other arm around her between her head and the pillow as I covered her mouth. “Shh.” I cooed. She pressed her back into me as I dipped a finger inside of her body and massaged her walls.

 

“You’re so bad, Sare. Say you’re sorry.” Sara’s body was pulsating as her life depended on it not to make a sound. The only other noise was the traffic on the road and humming of the heating in the tour bus, making the rustling of our sheets slightly acceptable right now.

 

Sara darted both of her hands over top of mine onto her mouth, shaking her head and refusing to say a word. She bit my fingers to muffle her much-needed screams and I could feel her breathing from her nose as she successfully did.

 

She shuddered as I slowly slid my finger out and kept my hand gripping her ass. “I hate you,” her voice was shrill and serious and out of breath as I kissed her ears and brushed my fingertips through her hair. I couldn’t help but hold her by the waist and hug her closer in to me and I continued to kiss her. I was so used to that phrase that it barely fazed me unless she thought she meant it in the moment.

 

“I love you,” I whispered into her ear, kissing the space just between her lobe and jaw. My eyes adjusted to the dark and I could see her smiling face at me.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

“Sleep, baby? We have a big day tomorrow.” I asked.

 

She didn’t take my tormenting seriously; I knew she was tired, too. And she knew we couldn’t have done anything further because we weren’t alone, although that may have been quite a stretch.

 

“Mhm,” she cooed as I spooned her. “Goodnight, Tee.”

 

“Goodnight, Sare.”

 

Sara was quick to fall asleep. I didn’t have too much on my mind, but I just held her and kissed her until I would fall asleep. I thought about how I worried about tonight’s show for nothing. It was a great show; the crowd laughed, cried and cheered so loudly. They looked like they were having the time of their lives and it was great to be a part of that and to make someone feel so many intense emotions through a song. Even just  _one person_. Wow. I was happy with where we were, despite the problems we were faced with on this tour.

 

I was happy.

 

Sara was so quiet as she slept and her body warm. The whole bus was just as quiet to match. It was a long day for everyone, with the show and all, come to think of it. And we were up pretty early tomorrow to set up in Amsterdam. I interlaced my fingers with Sara’s against her chest and she let out the quietest hums and breaths.

 

Something vibrated underneath Sara’s pillow and thankfully it didn’t wake her. It was her phone; I thought it was cute that she put it in my bunk. She definitely knew she was going to be sleeping with me tonight. I pulled it out from under her to stop it from going off every two minutes and potentially waking her in the middle of the night.

 

_Stacy? Why is Stacy messaging her?_

_[1:31AM] Stacy: Hi Sara, will you give me a call tomorrow?_

They haven’t spoke in a while, at least from my understanding. I trusted her, I didn’t read through any other messages. I left that one unread as well, not bothering to unlock her screen. I don’t want my jealousy to creep in again.

 

_Ugh, please don’t creep in again._

Sara loves  _me_  and she doesn’t want anyone else. She tells me that countless times. I did believe her; I’m just the jealous type when it comes to relationships. And Sara did a good job at making me feel special. Hell, Emy was here and Sara’s barely spoken to her without me since she’s been here.  _Why do I worry?_ There must be a logical explanation or something she just wants to talk to Sara about. I hate my brain sometimes.

 

Besides, it was me who slept with Lindsey twice while Sara and I were together. I suppose you could say the first time didn’t count since I was unconscious and raped by her. But the second time, that was my entire fault. I should have never done that to Sara. I can be so helpless and pathetic sometimes. Sara never did anything like that to make me lose my trust in her.

 

If she did, that would hurt me so much.

 

I stared at the message again, no flirting at all, no usual loving Stacy. Just a straight-up, to-the-point, message. I locked the screen and set it down next to Sara, taking my attention back to holding her in my arms.

 

**Emy**

 

I heard Sara giggling as she opened the door of the bus and Tegan followed right after her. I’m sure they were holding each other cause they were definitely playing around and quite loud. They got quiet as soon as they stepped on the bus and noticed the lights were out and everyone was already asleep. That’s when I heard Sara hushing Tegan and they were fairly quiet after.

 

They walked through the hall of the bus and I could see them hand in hand over to the huge closet area where they were so obviously changing together. I could hear Tegan’s low moans mixed in with curse words and Sara’s name.

 

_Please don’t do anything else, guys. Please._

 

They turned on the bathroom light and went in together now. They weren’t in there for much longer than five minutes, but the light on in itself was distracting to me. For the most part I just heard giggling and shuffling. I know Sara, she wasn’t necessarily a total prude but she sure as hell wouldn’t be doing anything intimate with other people in the room. She had discretion even when we were together, but I couldn’t help but listen. It distracted me as I scrolled through my phone. Their whole relationship just intrigued me now that they’re ‘together together’.

 

Aaand Sara’s moaning. Great. I hope to god I don’t witness them having sex in the bathroom. Like I pray to fucking god it doesn’t come to that. Two minutes passed and I heard more shuffling along with Sara’s giggles and heavy breaths. Thank god. They turned the light off and shut the bathroom door behind them. Tegan was carrying Sara so that they were face-to-face and put her onto the bunk below me.

 

They’re totally gonna sleep in the same bed, not like I shouldn’t have expected that or anything. I’m pretty sure I was sleeping on Sara’s bunk anyway. I wondered if they knew I was in the bunk above them…

 

_Just go to sleep, please don’t fuck. Please don’t fuck._

Of course, there it is. I immediately felt so uncomfortable and didn’t know if I should say something or shuffle in my bed so they know there was someone above them. For the love of god, Sara couldn’t be quiet if her life depended on it.

 

Guaranteed they think they’re being quiet right now, what with the bus in drive and the heater being on. I don’t know if everyone else could hear them, let alone be awake now. But I sure as hell could, and I sure as hell was.

 

Aand Tegan’s dirty talking to Sara, oh my god. Could this get any more uncomfortable?  _Tegan, please stop fucking talking to your sister while you fuck her_. Oh my fucking god. Sara’s whimpers were muffled and I could totally picture what they were doing—Tegan gagging Sara with what I assuming was her hand as she fingered her.  _Why did I need to witness this? What did I do to deserve this?_ Just fucking shoot me now. No way in hell am I looking down to see what’s happening. And I hope to god my bunk was rocking because of the road and not…them.

 

_Why did that thought cross my mind? Fuck my life._

 

As I closed my eyes and tried to sleep I noticed Sara’s moaning stopped and they were just whispering now.  _Was that it?_  I think so, praise the fucking lord I didn’t hear her come. I would have been, just, thank god.

 

I think I can sleep now. I think it’s done for good. It was intense enough that I saw them making out like that earlier today. God that was so strange, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get used to this. I don’t really know what I thought when Sara first told me about it. I was just in shock and disbelief.

 

Okay, I’m not gonna think about it anymore. I need sleep. This better not come back in the form of a dream tonight. Great, now I bet it will. I need to stop having thoughts.

*******

The show tonight was absolutely amazing. I’ll never stop seeing Tegan and Sara at shows, they are so real and know how to put on the best performances. It was crazy seeing Tegan play after Lindsey passing this week. She was so strong and in spite of that, she and Sara put on one of the best shows I had ever seen. They were so interactive with the audience tonight.

 

My friends had to take their respective trains back home, but I decided I just had to see the beauty of Paris and especially the Eiffel Tower. I could already tell it was going to be crowded as I walked toward it. I guess that was typical with such a beautiful monopoly. I couldn’t help but look around at every single thing as I passed by.

 

_Was that Tegan’s laugh?_

I gasped as I looked over to where I heard the voice, it was them! Oh my gosh, I thought they would be rushing to the next city by now. What were Tegan and Sara doing in an open field so late at night?

 

 _Wait, is that Sara that Tegan is with?_ I watched as they sat down onto the grass. I was about to run over and say ‘Hi’, but I wasn’t sure if that was her and Sara or if Tegan was on a date with someone. I swear I saw them look intimate. But Lindsey’s gone, I know she looked fine but she can’t be with someone new already.

 

That shrill, girly laugh. That  _was_ Sara. What?

 

I wasn’t just seeing things, they were fully on top of each other.  _Is that a thing sisters do?_  I don’t think so. I really don’t think so. I kept looking and Tegan just totally kissed Sara. Um.  _Is this happening?_

 

Alright, so Quincest is real. I mean, that’s cool. We were right.  _What the fuck?_ No…

 

Holy fuck, that explains a lot that happened this week. I thought I was just overthinking everything I saw on Tumblr, that everyone was crazy and their was a logical explanation for all of it.

 

Well there’s the fucking logical explanation, right in front of me.

 

I pulled out my phone. I had to. I wasn’t going to post anything. I just had to send it to my friends. It was dark out, but the streetlights made it bright enough to see their faces. You could totally tell it was them. I felt bad exploiting them like this, but  _what the fuck are they doing that in public for anyway?_

_Guys, it’s fucking real_.  _Look! Do not post this anywhere, whatever you do. Holy shit._


	50. Creep

**Sara**

The sun’s rays peeking through my bunk-side window woke me. I was comfy and warm curled up next to Tegan, tickling my ears as she breathed sleepily through her nose and her curls on my face. Her arms still tightly wrapped around my body and her fingertips massaging my ribs underneath my shirt.

 

Our bus was stopped and I couldn’t help but see beautiful Amsterdam. I tried as best as I could not to wake Tegan as I peered through the curtain and saw the stunning outdoors—boats on the water, docks, couples holding hands, fancy houses. It was so different from LA, but so scenic and picturesque.

 

The sun was just making its way up, reflecting overtop of the water and buildings. This view looked like something taken right from a postcard or a picture. I heard rustling in the other beds now and everyone was starting to get out of bunk. Whoever was sleeping over top of us just climbed out of bed and put on some coffee. Mmm, it smelled delicious.

 

Tegan was still sound asleep as I carefully lifted her hand off of my body, putting the blankets back overtop of her and kissing her on the forehead. “Keep sleeping, baby, I’m gonna grab some coffee,” I whispered in her ear as she pushed her face into her pillow and softly hummed. I kissed her rosy cheeks and snuck overtop of her and out of the bunk. I inched my hand over her and grabbed my phone, brushing my teeth quick and then to the kitchen area for a cup.

 

“Good morning,” a cheerful voice came from the table as I opened the cupboard.

 

“Oh, Emy! Good morning!” I grabbed a cup for her and sat down, “Did you sleep well?”

 

Emy got up and made little eye contact, pouring coffee into each cup. I looked up at her and she was giving me the most unimpressed look she could ever make. “What do you think? Do you  _think_ I slept well, Sara?”

 

“Um…”

 

“I slept above you and Tegan,” she was quick to add.

 

Oops.

 

“Oh,” I caught on. She had a tinge of humor in her voice, but I was internally humiliated. I adjusted my shorts so my thighs weren’t sticking to the seat. “Then no.”

 

“ _Bingo._ ” Emy lifted her cup to me and took a sip.

 

Oh god. How could I be so stupid?  _I thought I was quiet?_   _Ugh, Tegan you’re a fucking dumbass._  I feel so terrible she heard that. She heard  _us._ Fuck.

 

“Emy,” I wasn’t sure I could express my words. “I’m  _so_ sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, Sare, really.”

 

“I don’t know what I was thinking. I didn’t think; it won’t happen again.” I had to apologize repeatedly.

 

“Really, it’s fine. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I was sorta poking fun. Just…you know…don’t do it again.”

 

I covered my face in my hands and groaned. “Ugh, noted. So noted.”

 

Emy was lighthearted about it and it didn’t bother her too much. I tried my best to brush it off like she suggested. She laughed as she took my hands from my face. “It’s fine, Sare.”

 

I looked at Emy apologetically and hoped my expression was enough for her to know it really wouldn’t happen again. She squeezed my hand and smiled, taking another sip of her coffee.

 

My phone buzzed in my back pocket; it was my alarm to wake up this morning. I silenced it and checked the rest of my notifications.

 

“Oh,” I said out loud. “Stacy messaged me.”

 

“Yeah? Everything okay?”

 

“I don’t know. She wants me to call her,” I spoke in a calm voice. The last time I spoke to her was when I saw her in the Paris lobby. That was when Tegan and I were split up, and I think she was still sharing a room with Lindsey. She was so sweet to me and sympathetic; I guess I could give her a call.

 

“She in LA?” Emy asked.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Give her a call. She’s nine hours back over there. She should still be up, it’s still night where she is,” Emy suggested and reasoned.

 

“You’re right. Excuse me for a second, Em,” I spoke as I took my phone and stepped out of the bus. I dialed her number as I stood at the side.

 

“Hello.” Stacy picked up. She didn’t have her usual sweet tone. She sounded very…dull.

 

“Hi Stacy, it’s me. I just read your message.” I waited for her to respond, but she didn’t. “What’s up?”

 

“I was at Lindsey’s funeral last night,” she was still speaking nonchalant.

 

“I know, it’s terrible. I wish we could have came and paid our respects,” I lied. Lindsey traumatized me.

 

“How’s Tegan?” she asked very curiously.

 

“She’s…dealing.” I lied again. I was a little worried I would slip that we were there on the night of her death.

 

“Who are you talking to, baby?” I heard Tegan coming down the steps of the bus and she grabbed my arm. She was still sleepy-eyed, but a little concern in her voice.

 

I interlaced my hand in hers to ease her, our bodies facing each other as I massaged her palm. “Stacy,” I mouthed. Discomfort and perhaps a tinge of jealousy showed on her face. I knew she was going to react that way and I kept her hand warm in mine.

 

“Is that Tegan?” Stacy asked, continuing her curiosity on her. I was sandwiched between jealousies.

 

“Yeah, she’s right here beside me.” I smiled to her. “So is there any reason you called, Stace?”

 

Silence.

 

“Stace?”

 

“I need to get out of the house. This city. It’s too much—too depressing here. Can I stay with you and Tegan?” Stacy asked out of the blue.

 

 _What?_  I didn’t know what to say. Now  _I_  was looking at Tegan, concerned. I know her uncertainties about us, especially after that fight yesterday before the show. I didn’t actually realize she was that insecure about us until she voiced it then. I was torn; I couldn’t imagine what Stacy was going through. But that would worry Tegan.

 

“Um,” I couldn’t say no.  _Ugh_. “Let me talk to Tegan. I’ll call you back?”

 

“I won’t be a nuisance. I promise. You won’t even know I’m there. I just can’t be alone right now.”

 

“I know, Stace. I’m just gonna run it by everyone. I’ll call you in a bit, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

We both said goodbye and I put my phone in the back pocket of my shorts. I looked up and Tegan was eyeing me with apprehensive depths. I hated seeing her like this. She never had to worry about us.

 

Tegan is my world.

 

“What did she want, Sare?” Tegan asked as she pulled my arm.

 

“She says she can’t be alone after Lindsey’s death…she wants to come here with us. I don’t know what to say to her, Tee.” Tegan could sense the confusion in my voice.

 

“Tell her no.”

 

“Tee!” I couldn’t do that to Stacy. I had already put her through hell. And I was so unforgiving to her. Of course I had no obligation to, with what she did and how she could have stopped Lindsey and did absolutely nothing. “That was my girlfriend, I can’t do that to her. She needs me.”

 

“What if she’s just trying to get you back?” I knew that was her initial fear from the second I told her what was going on.

 

“I love  _you_ , and she knows I love you. If she was, she’d just be wasting her time and she knows it. She’s just traumatized from Lindsey’s death. I could hear it in her voice. She didn’t sound…like herself,” I explained.

 

Tegan grabbed both of my hands and looked me dead in the eyes. “Please be careful, Sare. I love you. And I trust you. But,  _please._  For us.”

 

“I love you too, Tee. I love you so much,” I meant every word as I kissed each of her fingers. “We’ll stay in our own room, we’ll keep our distance from her if that makes you feel comfortable. She and Emy can stay together. I don’t want you worrying for no reason, baby. But I’m going to say yes to her. Is that okay?”

 

Tegan didn’t want to say yes, but she did purely because she put her faith in my hands. “I trust you, Sare.” She spoke with reluctance and fear.

 

I hugged Tegan as I called Stacy back, holding her there as I waited for her to answer. “Hi, Stace. We’re fine with it.” I proceeded to invite Stacy on tour with us as I heard Tegan swallow, lowering her head into my shoulder. I did my best to comfort her, making sure that she knew there was nothing to worry about and I was just being a friend to her.

 

Stacy thanked me calmly on the other end and mentioned that she’d be here our time tonight. We had our show here in Amsterdam later on, so we’d see her once we got back to the hotel.

 

“Okay, we’ll see you then. You and Emy will be sharing a room.” I know I should have asked Emy, but her and Stacy got along fine, regardless of the fact that I dated both of them.

 

I know it’s strange.

 

I got off the one with her after about a minute and Tegan and I were quick to make eye contact again. “Please stop worrying, baby. There’s no point.”

 

“I don’t know, Sare. We’re partially the root of her misery right now. How is this possibly going to help her? I mean, she has her brother—why isn’t she spending time with him?”

 

“I don’t know, Tee. I don’t know.”

 

\--

 

**Tegan**

Amsterdam show—done. And a success. Such a great crowd today and incredible energy as always. This city was just as beautiful as Paris and Verona. Of course I had Stacy on my mind and couldn’t help, but worry about why she wanted to be here. The thought and all of its preceding possibilities failed to escape my mind.

 

“Hi!” I recognized that perky voice without needing to look up. I didn’t want to—seeing her from the corner of my eye was plenty enough. Sara got up to welcome Stacy into a reserved hug, still not completely forgiving her for what she had done to me. The lack of body heat beside me now left me cold, and colder as I watched Stacy hold Sara tighter into a hug. I felt a shooting pang in my insides and I knew I couldn’t bear to watch.

 

I had to stop this bitterness.

 

I was terrible at hiding my jealousy, especially today. Stacy looked at me and smiled, so I stood up and watched her eye me up and down. This caught me off guard and Sara felt it, too. It wasn’t in a judgmental way, though. “Hi, Tegan.” She finally greeted me. It almost made me feel sick to my stomach the way she looked at me, sort of like the way Lindsey did after she took advantage of me those two times.

 

“Hey Stace. Good to see you.” I wasn’t going to hug her. I don’t know why, I didn’t want to. Something about her energy didn’t make me feel comfortable. She inched forward, though, and I didn’t want to be more unsettling than I had already been. Something wasn’t right. She didn’t feel like that usual sweet, warm Stacy. The last time I had seen her was when she apologized profusely for what she had done to me. I accepted her apology and Sara didn’t.

 

It seemed like Sara had forgiven her now.

 

“We’ll show you to your room,” Sara offered, gesturing for Stacy to follow us as she pushed the elevator button.

 

It was late at night and I was exhausted from the day. I just wanted to be in bed with Sara and have her all to myself. No crowds, no tour bus, no suspicion. Once again we got a beautiful hotel and I couldn’t wait to just stay there and unpack my things and enjoy the day off tomorrow here. Sara held my hand the entire time, especially since she knew how insecure I was about this situation right now.

 

I could feel Stacy’s eyes burning a hole in the back of my head.  _What was her obsession with me?_  She was very quiet and looked as if she was paying attention to her mannerisms. I didn’t like her being here, not one bit. I hope Emy keeps her company and not Sara.

 

She better stay away from Sara.

 

She pretty much kept to herself for the elevator ride up and Sara opened her hotel room door for her. “Here, Stace. Emy’s going to be staying with you. She’ll be up in a bit,” Sara smiled sweetly.

 

“Thank you,” Stacy said quietly as she took the card key from Sara and lingered her hands on hers.

 

I hate her.

 

Sara looked around the room, admiring the décor and furnishings while Stacy stood still against the wall. The way she looked at my sister made me sick and she had no shame, persisting even when I so obviously was looking at her. I cleared my throat and without startling her, Stacy slowly moved her head to me without shifting her eyes. She licked her dry lips and gave the deadliest stare, looking me up and down again. She had no shame and neither did I; I made it very well known I didn’t want her here.

 

“Wow, look at this painting!” Sara gleamed, mostly talking to herself. Neither of us responded and Sara didn’t even care. She just kept going on about every piece in the room.

 

There was a bang from the ceiling, more specifically the floor above us. I shot my head up for a second, and then back to Stacy as she kept her gaze on the ceiling. I nearly jumped when I saw what looked like burns all around Stacy’s neck, almost like from a rope of some sort.

 

 _Did she try to kill herself when she was at home?_ That’s impossible; you can’t  _not_  kill yourself from hanging.

 

That would instantly kill you.

 

I closed my mouth as soon as I felt a gasp shoot from my body. Stacy definitely heard it. Sara was still in her own little world. And I wanted to leave.

 

Stacy creepily looked back to me and I looked away as soon as she did. “Something wrong, Tegan?” Her eerie tone sent chills up my spine and Sara finally looked back.

 

“You okay, baby?” Sara asked with cautious eyes, attention finally away from her surroundings and onto me.

 

“Yeah,” I smiled, scratching my neck and looking down. “Just a little tired. Uh, long day.”

 

“We should get going, Stace. I hope you have a good night here with Emy,” Sara spoke genuinely as she took my hand and started to walk out.

 

“It’ll do for now.”  _What the fuck was that supposed to mean?_

I looked back and glared at Stacy as Sara led the way, keeping to her own thoughts and minding her own business. Stacy just looked back at me with the most grim expression. I didn’t feel good about her at all; I don’t like her one bit.

 

Stacy shut the door and Sara started rambling as if she didn’t notice anything was up with Stacy or that she was so obviously here to try and get her back. My blood was boiling now and I couldn’t bear to hold it in anymore.

 

“Sara!” I snapped, interrupting her. I didn’t mean to.

 

I caught her off guard and she finally stopped talking. She didn’t say anything, just looked at me and waiting for me to speak.

 

“Don’t you see what she’s doing?” I cracked.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

We stepped into the elevator and down to our floor, suitcases in hand. “She’s totally here just to get with you! Come on, Sara. You see it, too.”

 

“Tee, she’s probably just looking for comfort. She lost me as her girlfriend and her best friend all at once.” Sara reasoned. She was so oblivious.

 

“Yeah,” I snarled. “Like I don’t know the feeling.”

 

“Tee…”

 

We stepped out of the elevator and looked for our room. “I don’t trust her, Sare. I don’t trust her at all.”

 

Sara took the card key out from her pocket and inserted it in the hotel room door. She sort of brushed off what I said, really not wanting me to make a big deal about it right now. She was obviously exhausted, too.

 

“Sara!” I shouted at her for ignoring me. She shut the door and took my suitcase off my hands. Sara still didn’t say anything as she took my jacket off, hanging it up in the closet and sat down with me on the bed.

 

“Sara, talk to me!” I gripped her hands to my lap and there was a part of me that wanted to break down and cry.

 

“Tee, please calm down. There is  _nothing_  happening. It’s all in your head.”

 

“Sara, I’m telling you there’s something not right with her. Did you look at her?” I was still speaking in urgency. I couldn’t calm down like she asked.

 

“What do you mean did I  _look_  at her?” Sara’s voice stayed composed, trying to get mine to match hers.

 

“Her neck.”

 

“What are you talking about, Tee?” She had no idea what I was getting at.

 

“You didn’t see them, are you  _that_  absent-minded?! They were all around her neck!” I was shouting now.

 

“ _What_ was?” She gave me a look before answering for calling her that.

 

“She had these…burns or scars all around her neck…like she tried to hang herself.”

 

“She’s depressed, but I don’t think she’s suicidal. She’s never been like that. I’ve been with her when she’s gone through depressive times, but she was never that hopeless,” Sara reasoned.

 

“Sara,” I shook her hands. “ _Please_  be careful. I know she wants you back and she doesn’t give a fuck if I’m here or not.”

 

Sara got up and led me to the bathroom, “Easy there, baby. Let’s get washed up and get to bed.

 

“Don’t talk down at me!”

 

“Tegan, I’m not talking down at you! Quit overreacting! I’m here, okay? You thought Emy was out to get you and she’s  _not!_ ” She was trying to keep her patience as she passed me a face towel.

 

“I’m just sensitive today and I have a gut feeling about her intentions. Just please don’t disregard me right now.”

 

“I’m not gonna do that to you, Tee. But I  _do_  think you need to sleep. Oh and speaking of Emy. She fucking heard me last night you  _idiot_!”

 

“Oh my god I told you not to be mean to me today!” I picked her up and brought her to the gigantic king sized bed in the middle of the room, “Besides, it’s not like she hasn’t heard that before.”

 

Sara snarled at me as I lay under the covers with her, finally comfortable, despite that attitude I was about to receive from her. My bad.

 

“Go to bed, Tee.”

 

“Easy for you to say, I’m fucking terrified.”

 

Sara held me in her arms and even though she thought I was crazy right now, it was nice to have her close to me and be there for me regardless. “Can you sleep, baby?” She asked sincerely.

 

“Just hold me. Don’t let me go. I’ll fall asleep eventually as long as you’re with me,” I was vulnerable and it didn’t matter. I showed Sara all my flaws.

 

“I love you so much, Tee.” Sara cooed as she brushed her fingertips through my hair as I reciprocated the words back to her in a yawn. I could tell she wasn’t going to fall asleep until I did. Knowing that gave me a warmth in my stomach and it showed up in a smile on my face.

 

Cuddled into her and my hand on her chest, Sara’s body and calming scent were the last things I took in as I fell asleep almost instantly. Her kisses and hums of affection muted out in my mind as she cooed me to sleep.

 

A few hours must have passed and I caught myself off guard for falling asleep so easily. I felt the hard bed, still warm from Sara’s body heat. I moved my hand around to find her. When I didn’t, I opened my eyes to pitch black darkness.

 

“Sara?” I called out quietly.

 

As my eyes adjusted, I saw that she wasn’t anywhere in the room. Panic dictated my body and breathing became uneasy. My mouth was shaky and eyes watery, fumbling my hands to turn on the light.

 

She was nowhere.

 

“Sara?!”


	51. Revenant

**Tegan**

Panic.

 

I called Sara’s number that I knew off by heart. It was faster than finding her name in my contacts right now. My phone rang and rang.

 

No answer.

 

I could hear myself shrieking now and it unnerved me.

 

I didn’t consider checking the time before I had Emy’s number already dialed now. Her voice was sleepy and I had definitely just woke her up.

 

“H-Hello?” Emy roused.

 

“Emy…Sara’s not here…is she with you and Stacy?” I stammered.

 

“Sara? No…she’s not here. I’m not with Stacy, though. I’m with the guys.”

 

“What? Why aren’t you with Stacy? Do you think Sara’s there with her?”

 

I had questions and Emy was slow to answer. I wasn’t giving her much time to talk, in her defense.

 

“Tegan, stay calm. She’s probably is there. I’m sure it’s not a big deal,” Emy was acting nonchalant when it totally was a big deal. “Stacy wanted a room to herself, she said…so I stayed here with Colin, Ted and Jasper.”

 

I was screaming now, upset and angry. “She fucking planned that! That fucking bitch! She did that on purpose, Emy! She’s trying to take Sara from me!”

 

“Tegan, Tegan…it’s okay.” Emy shushed me and wanted me to calm down. “Please, it’s probably a big misunderstanding.”

 

“Why is she here Emy? Why is she doing this to me? Why can’t I just _be_ with Sara without anyone trying to interfere with our happiness?” I was crying hysterically now. My wrath turned to weakness.

 

“Take a deep breath, Tee. Things are going to be okay. Do you want me to come with you to Stacy’s room?” Emy offered.

 

“No,” I sniffled. “I’m sorry to wake you, Emy. I know I’m overprotective; I’ve been very insecure lately. I’m gonna go alone. Can I call you if I need anything?” I asked, vulnerable again.

 

“I completely understand where you’re coming from, Tegan. I hope I didn’t cause any of that insecurity. I’m so happy for you two. I love you both so much, you are my best friends. My phone’s under my pillow, just call me if you need anything.”

 

That was selfless of Emy to say.

 

She’s had Sara once; and if I had to let her go, I wouldn’t. I’m too selfish. I couldn’t bear to see Sara being happy with someone else. I always wanted to be the one to make her smile the way she does. It’s always been like that and it always will.

 

In the beginning of this love I didn’t think that, though. I used to be realistic. That if she _worked_ with someone else and she was happy, then she just had to say the word and I’d let her go. That’s what love is anyway, right? But now I’d spend the rest of my life making her the happiest _I_ can, and have her being with _me_ worth her while and all the trouble that we’re putting ourselves through.

 

She had me so deep into her.

 

“Thank you, Em.” My voice cracked as I clued back into the conversation in front of me, “I love you so much.”

 

“I love you, too, Tee. Go find her.”

 

We said our goodbyes and I grabbed my shoes and key. That’s all I could think to grab right now, along with my phone. I remembered where Stacy’s room was from when Sara and I took her there a few hours ago.

 

I made my way through the elevators to Stacy’s floor in less than a minute flat, thanks to my bolting it over there. I banged on the door, again forgetting about the fact that it was probably about three in the morning.

 

“Sara, answer the fucking door!” I cried to myself hysterically. I tried my best to stay quiet for the sake of those sleeping in the other rooms, but I couldn’t guarantee I was doing a very good job. I made an effort to wipe my tears when I finally heard footsteps trudging toward the door.

 

A calm Sara greeted me at the door, until she saw the distress on my face. “Baby,” she whispered in a tisk as she pulled me into a hug, fingertips lost in my hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you.”

 

“I tried to call you,” I whimpered helplessly against her shoulder.

 

Sara looked over to Stacy as she sat on her bed crying, where she had her phone. Stacy flashed me a cold grimace, clearly putting up a front just to get Sara here to stay with her.

 

“I’m sorry.” Sara’s words lingered and she felt bad for having to apologize again. “I was just—”

 

“What are you doing here, Sare?” I pulled out from her hug and held onto her hands as my curious eyes met hers in anticipation.

 

“Stacy’s not handling being here well.”

 

I pushed open the door and took a shot at her. “Then _why_ are you here, Stacy? Why didn’t you get Emy to stay with you, huh? I told you she was staying here with you!”

 

Sara held me back just as she heard me raise my voice at her. “Hey! Tee, Stop!”

 

“I know what you’re trying to do, Stacy. I’m not a fucking idiot!”

 

“Baby, stop it! Don’t you see she’s crying?” I could feel Sara getting frustrated with me as she took Stacy’s side.

 

“You can stop faking now, Stace! You got her here, are you happy?” I proceeded to yell at her and Stacy bawled harder into her hands.

 

“Tegan!” Sara yelled at me as she ran over to comfort Stacy, sitting down beside her and causing my blood to boil even more. I realized the more I acted out and threatened her, the more Sara would try to ease her. “Just give her a break tonight.”

 

“She’s lying to you,” I broke down and was sounding delusional. I was making Stacy look pretty damn good about now.

 

“Baby, please.” Sara patted the space beside her on the bed, gesturing me to come sit. “Please don’t do this right now, just come here.”

 

I put my pride aside, bit back my tears and listened to Sara. She interlaced her fingers into mine and set my hand on her lap. She kissed me on the lips and then looked over at Stacy.

 

“Stacy,” Sara started. “I came over as a friend tonight because you needed one, I’m in love with Tegan and you know that. Can you tell her that you know that?”

 

Stacy wiped her tears and looked at me, mascara running and looking like a mess. “Tegan, I didn’t come here to hurt you. I had hurt you enough the last time I saw you. And I’m forever sorry for what I did, and Sara still hasn’t forgiven me yet even when you did. Sara’s yours and I can’t come in between you two if I tried. She’s made it very clear. I’m just here because I can’t be alone in LA right now. I know you can understand that. I’m sorry for making you feel out of place here. I want your trust again, believe me.”

 

I nodded, looking down at Sara’s hand in mine as she massaged my fingertips. My lips were pressed together as I tried not to break down again. I didn’t know what to say; there was still a large part of me that couldn’t trust Stacy. The other part of me sort of hoped my silence towards her didn’t offend her, despite my hate for her right now.

 

“Okay,” I finally let out a response, monotone. My wet orbs looking into Sara’s now, hoping that she would say something.

 

Sara’s face turned sympathetic and she did exactly what I wanted her to. We didn’t need twin telepathy; she could already read me so easily. “I think it’s time we go back to our room, Stace. You gonna be okay for the night?”

 

“I’ll hang on,” she breathed, wiping the last tear from the corner of her eye. “Sara, you’re very lucky to have someone like Tegan, who cares about you as much as she does.”

 

“I know I am.”

 

_What?_

 

Sara stood up and kept my hand in hers as she motioned me to follow. I looked back at Stacy; she did that thing where she looked me up and down again in that same derogatory manner Lindsey did.

 

Something wasn’t adding up.

 

Sara wasn’t necessarily cold, but definitely not overly friendly to Stacy as she walked out. “Bye, Stace. I’m sure we’ll see you tomorrow,” Sara gave her a slight smile.

 

“Bye,” I matched Sara’s words and she shut the door.

 

Sara walked with me down the hallway and didn’t say anything, clearly there was an elephant in the room and I knew it was going to be me who was about to address it. She was walking somewhat fast, obviously wanting to get back to the room in peace. I guess I couldn’t be mad at her, but I did need an explanation while we were one on one.

 

We got to the elevator and Sara pushed the button. I lost my patience with her not talking to me and blew up. I expected her to say something. “Sare?!”

 

“I know, Tee, I know. I hurt you and it’s not okay. Let’s just get back to the room and then we’ll talk, okay? I know you’re exhausted, I know. I’ll draw you a bath if you want. Or we can sleep. Whatever you wanna do, baby.”

 

I said nothing and looked at her with sad eyes. A bath did sound nice right now; I just wanted to be back in our room and with her. I hated feeling so unsafe again. I thought that was done when Lindsey was taken care of.

 

I leaned against the wall when Sara shut the door behind her. We were finally alone. She looked at me shamefaced, “Do you want to go to bed, Tee?”

 

“No,” I sulked. I obviously wanted her to talk about the cause to my rude awakening.

 

Sara bolted the door and locked it, keeping the _do not disturb_ sign out on the hallway side. “Okay. Stupid question.” She mumbled to herself while she ran to me and held my cheeks, hands shaky as she fumbled her fingertips down along my body.

 

“I’m sorry, baby. Of course you don’t wanna sleep. That was stupid,” Sara spoke in pieces as she unbuttoned my jeans and stripped me down to my panties. “She called my cell phone and it woke me. You were still sleeping. She was bawling her eyes out. You know the story, Tee.” Sara was eye level with me now, raising my arms as she lifted my shirt up off of my body and onto the floor.

 

“I couldn’t just leave her there to cry alone like that. I dated her, Tee I hope you understand that. You would have done the same for Lindsey…” Sara stammered and kept talking. “Anyway, _nothing_ happened…if that’s what’s worrying you. She just cried on my shoulder. And yes it was on her bed, I’m not going to lie to you, but she didn’t try to do anything. You can ask me whatever you want, Tee. I want you to know you can trust me. I’m transparent. You and I, we’re golden.”

 

There was no part of me that didn’t trust Sara; it was Stacy that I was iffy about. Sara pushed me up against the wall and tried to pick me up. The seriousness broke when she realized she wasn’t able to. An embarrassed look came over her as she grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom.

 

I sat on the cold ledge of the oversized tub and watched Sara adjusting the temperature as she filled it. “Warm enough?” She asked as she so sweetly paid attention to me, making sure I was comfortable. I guess it was the least she could do for how scared she had me tonight.

 

When she got the running water at the right temperature, Sara started to undress herself, still looking for any ounce of concern on my face. She dipped her feet in and then her body. The bottom half of my legs were wet and my feet were resting on the inside ledge in the tub. Sara ran water onto my thighs and I knew she was about to say something as she tilted her head to the side.

 

“Get in, baby,” she cooed, gently squeezing me by the insides of me knees as I worked my way in. Sara’s legs were wrapped around my body, sitting in my lap now as a jet on the wall hit my back. It felt good though, along with her kisses on my face.

 

“How are you? You’re quiet,” she made note of my silence, continuing to speak in fragments while planting loving pecks all over me. “Please ask me anything baby. Please tell me what’s on your mind. I want you to know you can trust me.”

 

“I trust you.” I stopped her from rambling, “I always trust you. I’m just jealous.”

 

“What is there to be jealous about, Tee?”

 

“Ugh, nothing, _I know_. I just am. They just dated you before, I guess.”

 

“ _They?_ Is it Emy, too?”

 

“It was, but she doesn’t want to interfere. I know that now. It’s just Stacy. I don’t know, Sare. I know you don’t want her. I need to tell my brain that. I’m being stupid. Something just isn’t right about her since she’s been here.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I don’t know if I want to talk about it right now.” I cited.

 

“Please,” Sara pleaded. “Just tell me why. We don’t have to get into it.”

 

“She just doesn’t seem…there. I look into her eyes and she’s just lifeless. And those scars on her neck…it’s like she tried to kill herself and only… _kind_ of did it.”

 

“Well that’s not eerie at all.” Sara stopped touching me for a moment and was in thought, spooked, then had her full attention was back on me once the thought left her. “You know that’s impossible, Tee.” Sara brushed off the conversation and kissed my neck, leaving me thinking about what I had just said.

 

“You think it is?” I asked wanting reassurance, holding her shoulders as she pressed her naked body against me.

 

“Mhm. Of course it’s impossible.” Sara’s sweet voice echoed along the hums of the running water of the jets.

 

“I mean…are you sure?”

 

Sara looked up at me and smiled, flashing a giggle at my uneasiness. “I thought you didn’t wanna talk about it, baby?”

 

“I don’t. It’s just…she’s weird now.”

 

“It’s just the circumstances of the past two weeks,” Sara kissed my cheek and lingered at my ear. “ _Trust me_. You can relax, Tee. Can I help you relax?” She spoke suggestively as she danced her fingertips along my collarbones, flicking her tongue against my ear. She knew how sensitive I was there.

 

“Oh,” I cooed and tightened my grip around her biceps. “Okay.”

 

“Can I eat that pretty pussy of yours?”

 

“Fuck,” I grunted, taken aback by her coarse words. Sara wasn’t one to say something so indecent until I got her comfortable.

 

“Get up,” she ordered, gesturing to the long edge outside of the tub against the wall, big enough to fit my whole body. Sara turned off the jets and drained the water.

 

Sara licked her lips as she looked up and down my body, slick and wet from the hot water. She held my hips and positioned them just at the edge of the tub with my legs wrapped around her shoulders. I looked up at the high ceiling and my back against the stone of the tub, waiting for her to do what she asked.

 

I had my hands on my ribs and brought them up to my breasts, squeezing them with impatience and realize Sara had stopped kissing my thighs.

 

“What?” I took my eyes off the ceiling and looked down to the mischievous look on her face.

 

“I wanna watch you fuck yourself first.” Again, her words caught me off guard. I had never masturbated in front of her before, or really anyone, for that matter.

 

“You’re so dirty,” I husked, inching my hands between my legs to touch myself. Sara took my hand and didn’t let me go any further.

 

“No,” she spoke stern and grabbed the showerhead from its handle on the side of the tub. “I want you to use this.”

 

My mouth opened and eyes widened. “I’ve never used that before, I’m too sensitive for that!”

 

“Yeah? Even hotter,” she smirked as she put it in my hand.

 

I eyed the showerhead as I held it in my shaking hand and back to Sara. “I do it all the time,” she smiled playfully.

 

“Of course you do,” I said sardonically, stalling and nervous. “I bet you picture me doing dirty things to you when you do it, don’t you?”

 

“Remember the morning we left to go to Verona, when I was in the shower longer than usual and you and mom were waiting for me at breakfast?”

 

“Do _not_ bring up mom right now!”

 

Sara laughed, “I’m sorry.”

 

“I remember that morning, you were being really weird. So that’s why, huh, you were getting off in the shower to me?”

 

“I was. It felt very wrong,” Sara stated nonchalantly.

 

“But I bet it felt so right, hmm Sare?” I teased her.

 

“Oh fuck it did,” Sara moaned. “That was the night after I had the dream about you. I was so confused. Oh man.” Sara finally clued in to what I was doing, “Okay, Tee. Quit stalling. Are you gonna get off or not?”

 

I eyed it again and swallowed nervously.

 

“If you’re not gonna, I will,” she ordered.

 

“You really wanna see me do this, huh?”

 

“Mhm.” Sara took it from me and turned it on, hitting the pulsating water against her body. “It feels so good.”

 

“Is that the lowest it goes?” I asked.

 

“Yes.” She lifted my hips and pulled my back in so I wouldn’t flood the whole bathroom. “Go slow, ease into it,” she whispered lovingly.

 

I took Sara’s spot and sat down as she spread my legs. I took the showerhead from her and ran my fingers through the water, testing the pressure before putting it anywhere between my legs. I let the water run down my chest now and it felt good and quite relaxing. I liked the warmth on me, along with the room being steamy and Sara’s touch, but since the tub was empty now from her draining it.

 

Once I was used to the pressure, I let the water hit my breasts and then to my nipples. My body jerked from the sensation and I noticed Sara getting extremely turned on.

 

“Is that okay?” She asked cautiously, hoping she didn’t overstep by talking me into it.

 

“Mhm, it feels good.” I closed my eyes and flicked my nipple with my other hand.

 

“Oh, fuck. You’re so hot, Tee. You look so pretty touching yourself.” Sara gawked while massaging my legs and keeping them open, so clearly impatient for me to masturbate. “Mmm, it feels even better on your pussy, baby.”

 

“I’m getting there, Sare,” I kept my eyes closed and giggled at her eagerness.

 

“Now you’re just being a tease,” she quipped with a serious voice. I shot my eyes open and turned the showerhead at her face; her face was priceless and off guard.

 

“Tegan!” She screamed at me and tried to grab the showerhead to get me back, but of course failed.

 

“You’re adorable,” I giggled and cupped her face, admiring that annoyed expression she makes whenever I bother her.

 

“Just keep going,” she requested again.

 

“I’m trying to, but you keep interrupting me.”

 

“Shut up, Tee. Just stop talking. Please,” She kissed my warm cheeks and then my mouth, keeping me from taking another smart-ass shot at her. She put her hand on top of mine on the showerhead and guided it to between my legs. I let out a tense whimper against her lips and felt a rush in my stomach.

 

“Oh!” I felt my clit twitch and I jerked our hands away; I didn’t expect that, but it felt good. My hand fumbled and body shaky as Sara shoved the showerhead back between my thighs. She had to take her mouth off of mine every once in a while from my hitched breaths. My body kept jerking against her and even on the lowest setting, this was going to push me over the edge. I kept jutting my hand that was holding the showerhead away because the sensation on my clit was so strong at times; not because it hurt, but because I could barely handle how good it felt. Sara consensually kept her hand over mine so I wouldn’t move it away, keeping the thumping pressure on my clit.

 

“How do you feel, baby?”

 

Fuuuuuck, I could barely speak. The steam in the room and bliss I felt between my legs had me crying out uncontrollably, even though I was trying to hold back. I was never one to be loud, but holy shit.

 

“Does that feel good?” She bit my lip one last time, knowing I couldn’t handle kissing her so hard anymore. I needed room to breathe. I squeezed my other hand against the edge of the tub, pursing my lips tight to hold back a shriek as I nodded. Eyes closed and brows furrowed.

 

“Look at me, baby. Don’t hold back, I wanna hear you scream.” Sara gripped my waist and my clenched stomach. “Keep going, don’t stop. I wanna watch you come so fucking hard, Tegan.” She placed her thumb on my lower lip now, opening my mouth and forcing me to let out my moans. I opened my eyes like she asked and watched her gawking between my legs, then up at me. “So fucking hot.”

 

My body was shuddering uncontrollably now and I could feel it in my core that I was about to spasm so fucking hard. I wanted so badly to move my hand and Sara almost let me. “Fuck! I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come! Keep it there, Sare,” I stuttered and started fumbling, trying to find my words.

 

I had the tightest grip on the edge with my other hand and Sara’s was gripped my hips so hard to keep my body from shaking. My cheeks felt flush and my body so tense, the pressure building up to my orgasm almost unbearable now. I was so close.

 

I exhaled a loud shriek and cursed Sara’s name. “Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh my god, oh my fucking god! Fuck Sara!” I tightened my legs around Sara and she watched me with the most pleasured look on her face. My brain felt like it was short-circuiting while I rode out my orgasm, taking my hand from the edge of the tub to her forearm.

 

My body went limp now and I could feel the sweat dripping down from my forehead. “Oh! Stop, stop,” I spoke quickly, just before my pleasure turned to pain. Sara turned off the running water and set the showerhead down, taking my legs around her and coming closer. She made sure not to touch my clit right now.

 

Sara brushed her fingertips through my hair to move it out of my face and matted the sweat off my forehead. “Holy shit,” she breathed.

 

My eyes rolled back and I was still tensing up my body from the intense orgasm she gave me. “Yeah,” I raised my brows and let out a deep exhale. She touched the ends of my hair and rested her fingertips on the side of my neck, just underneath my jaw at my pulse point.

 

“Your heart’s beating so fast,” she smiled and looked stunned, her other hand between my breasts now.

 

“You do that to me.”

 

Sara shot her eyes up to mine; she looked so cute, like she never expected me to say that in a million years. Her eyes were wide and mouth open as she let out the quietest gasp. That face made me smile so hard from ear to ear. I wanted to look at that face for the rest of my life. Butterflies awoke in the pit of my stomach when I realized it could be a possibility if I treated her right.

 

Well, that was a no-brainer.

 

I watched her blush and couldn’t help but kiss her rosy lips. I felt her skin prickle as I held onto her arms. “You cold, Sare? Let me take you to bed.”

 

“But…are we done?” She asked as I took her hand and stood up with her, getting out from the tub and drying off.

 

“Nope,” I husked as I picked her up in my arms and carried her outside to the bedroom, laying her gently down on the bed after giving her a kiss on the mouth. She pulled me by my hands over top of her and we lay near the edge of the bed, bodies against each other and lips brushing.

 

“I’m gonna make love to you tonight, Sare,” I professed in between soft kisses and lip bites.

 

“Mmm,” she mumbled against my lips and breathed heavy. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too, baby. I love you so much,” I breathed against her lips, pushing her body closer to the headboard of the bed. Her soft whimpers hit my lips and I could feel the arousal in her kiss. “I love your moans,” I bit her lip and moved onto her jaw. “You smell so good,” I was kissing her neck now and I was only going to keep going lower. “And your body. And that smile. Those eyes.”

 

“Tee,” Sara giggled my name and squeezed onto my shoulders, since I wasn’t shutting up.

 

“And that laugh,” I continued and I smiled up at her, kissing her softly on the mouth. She pressed me closer and hugged me.

 

“Make love to me, Tee,” Sara demanded sweetly.

 

“You’re impatient tonight.”

 

“I know, it’s hard to be patient when I’m with you.”

 

“Aw, that was sweet,” I laughed, probably blushing, too.

 

“Tee…” Sara looked at me calm, waiting for me to get the strap on.

 

“Yeah?” That was my attempt at being a tease; making her wait. She was obviously better at it than I was.

 

“Tee! It’s like five in the morning!”

 

“Okay, okay! Stay there,” I got up and went to our half-unpacked suitcases, opening it up and searching for it quickly. I didn’t want her to feel rushed. I didn’t want this to be quick. I finally found the toy and slid it up and around my hips, dimming the lights before getting back into bed with her.

 

“Lay on your back,” Sara ordered. I did as she said and had myself slightly propped up, head against the pillow against the headboard. I stroked the dildo as Sara kneeled overtop of me, my free hand massaging her waist. With the toy in my hand, I positioned it at her entrance and listened to her steady breaths.

 

Sara bit her lip and looked down at the strap as she slowly sat on it. “Mmh,” she cried quietly, shooting adrenaline up my core. She slid her pussy up and down the dildo slowly as I caressed her soft thighs. She looked so innocent while she did that it drove me nuts, especially when she looked at me for a split second and then away when she got nervous. I took a sharp breath and launched my body up to hold her closer while she straddled me, earning pants and shrieks from her as well.

 

“Oh, baby you feel so good,” I whispered in her ear and felt her core tighten around the toy. “I love this pussy.”

 

Sara moaned and pulled me onto her as she lay on her back by the end of the bed, legs wrapped around me and letting me take control now. Our bodies were intertwined and as close as could be, nothing but skin between us as we made love. “Don’t stop, Tee,” she whimpered as our bodies pressed up against each other and grinding in sync.

 

I took Sara’s thighs and wrapped them around my shoulders one by one, letting me pump deeper into her. Her whimpers grew louder and she tried to mute them by biting her lips. I pinned her delicate wrists by her head and was captivated by her arousal and how much I wanted to bite her lips like that.

 

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” I whispered unintentionally, so mesmerized by her. She proceeded to bite her lip and smiled, causing me to bite her neck softly. Sara let out a moan when I did that, thrusting deeper into her.

 

“Oh Tegan!” She screamed as she gripped my hand by her head. “I don’t want to come yet,” Sara took her legs off of my shoulders and flipped us over so that I was on my back now. Our bodies barely detached and she bit my lip so sweetly as she rolled her hips along the dildo.

 

“Fuck Sara, you’re so good,” I grunted as she pulled my lip with her teeth and sucked on my neck. I heard a snap from the other side of the room and wasn’t going to look over since Sara had my full attention. However, Sara’s mouth was pushing my head that way, I had no choice but to look at what caused the sound.

 

I jerked unintentionally and let out a terrified scream as I had a death grip on Sara’s biceps. “Ow!” Sara shrieked as she pulled off from the toy, “What is it, Tee?”

 

I saw Stacy.

 

She was still there.

 

Right fucking there by the window.

 

She was hanging with a noose around her neck and it was ripping and scarring her skin. Her eyes were lifeless and staring right at me while her body swung slowly back and forth. I blinked a million times and she wasn’t going away. She looked so terrifying but so helpless. Like she didn’t want to be hanging and dead.

 

_Lindsey?_

 

“Ow! Ow! Tee! What are you looking at? Ow!” I clued back in to Sara’s voice and looked back at her, softening my grip.

 

“Sorry, sorry!” I hope she wasn’t hurt; she looked petrified.

 

“What was that?” Sara questioned me, eyes wide and traumatic.

 

“You saw it, too?”

 

“Saw what, Tee? No. I mean why’d you do that?”

 

“You didn’t hear that?”

 

“No. Hear what? See what?” She was getting impatient now, wanting answers when all I was asking were questions.

 

“Did I hurt you?”

 

“Tee, I’m fine! Please tell me what happened!”

 

“It was…nothing. I must be really tired. I’m just seeing things that aren’t there.” I didn’t know what to say.

 

“It didn’t seem like nothing.”

 

I didn’t say anything. Sara was searching my eyes for answers, since my words weren’t coming out.

 

“Tegan.”

 

“Baby, it’s okay, it’s nothing. Come here,” I held her hips and wanted to keep making love to her. Yeah right, Sara’s persistent and wasn’t going to until she got me talking.

 

“No, talk to me. _Please_ , baby.”

 

Sara had her breasts pushed up against me and her lips near my jaw as she cupped my cheek, trying to calm me. I was clearly on edge right now and she could see it. “Please?” She repeated in a whisper, eyes meeting mine.

 

“I thought I saw…” I trailed off, thinking about it and knowing this was going to traumatize me. What _did_ I see?

 

“Stacy…hanging.”

 

“What?”

 

“Or Lindsey…I don’t know anymore,” I was confused. It was so clear in my mind, but it was playing tricks on me.

 

Sara looked spooked, doing a double take to the corner my stare was locked on. “Over there?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I think you’re just tired, Tee. You know that’s impossible. Stacy’s still alive and Lindsey…well she’s not here anymore. Are you okay?”

 

“I know that,” I tried to relax myself. “I’ll be fine, it was just a stupid delusion.”

 

Sara didn’t say anything in response and just looked back and forth into my eyes with trepidation. She wanted to speak and comfort me but didn’t know how right now.

 

“It’s okay, Sare.” I reassured her as I kept my hands at her hips, gesturing for her to sit back onto to toy. “Can we just drop it? Please? I want to make love to you.”

 

I was good at temporary repression. After all, that wasn’t real. Right?

 

I knew that look on Sara’s face. Sure, she was going to drop it.

 

But just for now.

 

Sara swallowed and licked her lips, looking at me innocently as she pressed herself back onto the dildo. Her eyes glistening and body shaky as I held her body and helped her grind on me. She didn’t take her eyes off of me as she sped up her rhythm and her breaths became heavier.

 

I watched her grind up and down slowly on my strap and she looked so sexy from this angle. Still innocence and caution on her face, worrying if I was okay. She’s so sweet when she gives me that look, especially when we’re intimate like this and her tormented whimpers are flooding my ears. I pressed her down onto the dildo and her stomach clenched, earning another cry from her as she locked eyes with me.

 

I held her hips there and started thrusting into her a little faster, making her breasts bounce and Sara squeezing them with fumbling hands. “Oh fuck, baby, keep doing that,” I grunted as she rolled her thumbs over her nipples, pleasuring herself. I squeezed her ass and thrust harder into her, causing us to lose eye contact with each other as she shut her eyes. Her mouth was wide open and brows furrowed, looking down at her pussy as I pounded into her, almost losing rhythm.

 

“Ugh, fuck baby. Does that feel good?”

 

Her pussy was so slick and tight against me, arousal dripping from her core onto my stomach. She was so wet. I took her unsteady pants and shrieks as a yes, but I wanted to feel her close to me. “Come here, sweetheart,” I husked, grabbing her body and keeping my rhythm as I pulled her close.

 

Sara nibbled on my ear as she moaned irrepressibly. “Oh, Tegan,” she cried. “Mmm, please don’t stop, baby.” I could feel her heart beating against my chest as she straddled me. I kissed her blazing hot cheeks and gently pulled her hair, keeping a hand on the small of her back as she came close to her peak.

 

I felt her body tighten around the toy and her knees buckling. I squeezed her thighs just below her ass so she could take it deeper as I rocked her hips up and down, losing rhythm again. Sara swallowed hard and let out a strangled noise in my ear along with a mixture of curse words.

 

“Oh, Tee! Don’t stop, I’m gonna! Oh fuck!”

 

Her body shook and convulsed and I felt her squirting onto my stomach. Holy fuck. I slowed down my pace and took her mouth to mine and gave her delicate kisses. Her body didn’t stop jerking even when I went slowly; it was so sexy and I knew she’d be embarrassed for her body’s mind. “It’s okay, baby, keep going. I like it when you do that,” I reassured her and she moaned against my lips in response.

 

I felt her coming down from her high now, dildo still inside her and our bodies close. I stopped my rhythm and pressed it deeper into her entrance, kissing the sweat from her forehead.

 

“Hot,” I remarked.

 

Sara giggled, slight embarrassment in her tone as she smiled. “Yeah, _so_ hot.”

 

I pulled her up off the strap gently and she eyed the sex that she left on my stomach. “I’m sorry,” she spoke self-consciously.

 

“That was part of it being so hot,” I assured her and gave her a kiss on the mouth. I took off the strap and cleaned it off, but my stomach was still glistening with her arousal. Sara and I were both eyeing it and then looked at each other; she caught on quick to my hinting, but I wasn’t sure if she would be into it. She timidly knelt down, placing her hands on my ribs and kissed my stomach, licking me clean. I loved the feeling of her tongue on me, and the vibrations of her softs hums as she did.

 

She wiped her lips with her fingers and kissed me. I could taste so much of her on her lips; this was so dirty but she tasted so good. “Is that what you wanted me to do, Tee?”

 

“Mmm, you know my dirty little mind,” I smirked.

 

“Not far off from mine,” she wasn’t done kissing me.

 

“I love the way you taste, Sare.”

 

Sara blushed and let out an innocent smile as she covered her mouth.

 

“I love the way you make me cum,” innocence still on her face.

 

“Oh my god,” Sara giggled at my tortured response. “I love you Sara, baby.”

 

“I love you more, Tee,” she smiled so sweet and genuine.

 

“I know you do,” I cocked my head to the side with a smirk and raised brow, pulling her body between my legs to the headboard to cuddle her before she could fight me.

 

“I’m too exhausted to yell at you.” She nuzzled her head into my neck, curling up and turning us over to the side so she was the little spoon.

 

“Good.”

 

“Goodnight,” she hummed.

 

“Goodnight, beautiful.”

 

So who and what the _fuck_ did I just see?


	52. Entropy

**Emy**

 

“Sara?” I answered the phone, curious about what happened last night.

 

“Hey, Emy. Good morning. You up?” Sara’s voice sounded well rested and nonchalant about last night. I hadn’t I heard her side of the story at all. I told her that I, Colin, Ted and Jasper, were all awake, too. “Tegan and I were thinking of taking the ferry over to Amsterdam Noord today and spend the day at the beach. What do you guys think?”

 

“I’m sure they would love to, we were just talking about doing some sightseeing today anyway, and wasn’t sure if there _was_ a beach around here. That sounds fun!”

 

“Okay! We’ll meet you in the lobby in half an hour?” Sara asked, to which I agreed. “Think you can let Stacy know as well?”

 

“Yeah, no problem, Sare. So…what happened last night? Tegan was so worried about you.” I had to ask. We were close enough to have walls-down conversations like this.

 

“Um, nothing really.” Sara’s voice was shaky, as if Tegan was listening in on the conversation and Sara didn’t want to start anything. “I can tell you about it when I see you.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“See you in a bit, Em.”

 

I messaged Stacy about today, wanting to ask her the exact same question, but restrained myself while I packed the basics for the today’s outing. This will be fun—a day off for the girls and the band and us all getting to enjoy the beautiful city of Amsterdam. I just hope Stacy doesn’t start anything. She hasn’t really been herself since I saw her. We haven’t spoken much here, but I don’t know how smart it is for her to be here with Sara being so in love with Tegan. It was too much for her before, it’s definitely too much for her now.

 

Stacy was the last one to get to the lobby. Tegan was definitely better now than last night; hearing that trauma in her voice was so hard for me. I was glad to see her happier today, but she was definitely on edge as she waited for Stacy. I watched from the corner of my eye as Sara comforted her in the most sister way possible she could right now. Of course, it was so obvious to me, but perhaps because I knew about them already.

 

The look on Tegan’s face instantly switched as Stacy walked up to us. I had to admit, Stacy looked particularly beautiful today; Tegan noticed, too, knowing exactly whose attention she was trying to get a hold of. She didn’t like it one bit and jealousy was written all over her face as she became even more territorial of Sara.

 

“Ready to go?” Tegan grabbed Sara’s arm before Stacy could say even say a friendly ‘hello’ to her. Sara followed Tegan’s lead and flashed me a look; we could all feel Tegan’s envious energy right now.

 

They sat together during the ferry ride, too. They were careful not to brush hands or anything that would give away their romantic relationship in public, but Tegan was still very protective and barely gave Stacy a chance to talk to Sara at all. Her hands were still all over her, just not in an amorous way.

The ferry arrived to Amsterdam Noord and it was so different than what we were used to in Los Angeles. The people, the aroma, the beach—beautiful, but different. As captivated as I was by this beautiful town just a ferry ride away, I couldn’t take my eyes off of the drama that was soon to surface with Tegan and Stacy.

 

Jasper, Ted and Colin found a beach ball and threw it around while swimming in the water. Stacy, Tegan, Sara and I set our beach towels down on the hot sand, grabbed some drinks and hung out.

 

Sara and I set our towels down nonchalantly. In the corner of my eye, I saw Tegan snarl at Stacy as they both tried to set theirs down next to her. “This is my spot,” I could hear Tegan mutter to Stacy in the most hateful scowl as she pushed her out of the way.

 

“Tegan!” Sara scolded her quietly.

 

“What?” Tegan didn’t like Stacy since she’s been here and didn’t care she was making it known.

 

Sara was lying on her stomach and turned her head to me as she lowered her sunglasses and wide eyes. “Oh god, help me now,” she mouthed at me shaking her head side to side. I was scared for her, too, but her and I both knew this was going to be somewhat entertaining—given that nobody decides to throw a fist.

 

After Stacy set her towel down beside Tegan without a fight, she sat down onto her ankles and took off her shirt. She exposed her skimpy white halter bikini top that didn’t leave much to the imagination. She stood up and unbuttoned and slipped off her denim shorts. She threw them down on the ground next to Tegan’s head and almost hit her.

 

Tegan let out an angry growl and flashed Stacy another dirty look. She was very forwarded about her dislike to Stacy, whereas Stacy was being the passive-aggressive type. I had to admit, though, Stacy looked hot.

 

“Oops, sorry Tegan.” Stacy ridiculed with a raised brow and deceit coating her innocent apology, to which Tegan rolled her eyes at her.

 

Sara and I eavesdropped on their impassive conversation, staring at each other as we lay face down and arms crossed as we rested our heads. We had reactions to every one of their banters, uncomfortable but entertained. Sara’s innocence was the sweetest thing about her. Here were three girls that wanted her and she didn’t once milk it or be insensitive towards it.

 

As strange as this scenario is, I would have imagined her ego to be pretty high right now.

 

We continued to make faces at each other and on the inside she had me laughing, sometimes making it known on my face. Wide eyes, furrowed brows, nodding heads and pursed lips. Her facial expressions were so adorable.

 

“Is that Lindsey’s Nikon?” I heard Tegan ask. Sara and I both stopped with the faces and looked at Stacy. She had pulled it out of her beach bag and was taking photos like a pro. It reminded me so much of Lindsey’s shooting techniques; she must have taught her before she passed.

 

“Yep,” Stacy responded short to Tegan and stirring up curiosity.

 

“That’s not yours,” Tegan shot back, getting territorial of her ex-girlfriend.

 

“It is now,” Stacy corrected her. “Since the funeral.”

 

“Says who?” Tegan rebutted.

 

“Lindsey. She always wanted me to have it,” Stacy spoke as she played around with the lens and took pictures of the beach.

 

“You can’t even shoot. And that’s bullshit,” Tegan fumed.

 

“I can, actually. And maybe you would have known who got what of Lindsey’s if you went to your girlfriend’s funeral.”

 

Tegan wasn’t going to take that comment well.

 

“ _Excuse me_?” Tegan lifted herself up off of her stomach and rolled up her sleeves just when Sara intervened.

 

“Tee,” Sara warned her not to do anything stupid as she put her hand to her sister’s arm. “Don’t.”

 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Tegan murmured under her breath as Stacy minded her business, acting all high and mighty.

 

Tegan was furious and Sara tried to calm her down, but even she knew there wasn’t much she could do right now.

 

“I’m going to go get us some more drinks,” Stacy offered as she got up and strutted over to the bar. Tegan shot Sara and I a wide-eyed, exhausted look that we’d be crazy if we didn’t see Stacy was trying to start something.

 

“She’s trying to get you mad, Tee. Don’t let her get the best of you,” I advised her.

 

“Yeah, well she’s doing a damn good job of it.”

 

**Tegan**

Sara looked at me with understanding and love in her eyes as she put a hand to my shoulder. “Maybe she’s just going through something. It’s okay, Tee,” she forced out a smile at me. I could tell she wanted this day to be over just as much as me. Except lucky for her, she wasn’t the target that Stacy was trying to irk so passively.  

 

_Why did Sara have to keep siding with Stacy?_

“Maybe she’s just trying to get with you,” I remarked and Sara didn’t respond to that comment.

 

Stacy came back with a tray of drinks in her slutty-ass bikini. She was totally trying to get Sara’s attention. Ugh, and here I was wearing my black loose-fitting tank and swim shorts.

 

“Here, Emy,” Stacy passed a cold beer to Emy and then one to me without making barely any eye contact. She kept her gaze fixed on Sara as she moved her beach towel across from her and lay down on her stomach, elbows propped up and so deliberately exposing her chest so Sara would look.

 

“I got your favourite, Sare.” Stacy barely let go of the beer bottle, smiling up at Sara suggestively as their hands met the drink.                

 

“Ahem,” I cleared my throat and glared at Stacy.

 

“Thanks, Stace,” Sara really didn’t want to add to the drama that Stacy was starting and that I was facilitating.

 

Stacy pushed her face closer to Sara’s and stuck her nose in the book she was reading, fingering the pages. “What are you reading?”

 

Sara lifted her book up so that Stacy could read the cover. She was still reading The Invention of Solitude and on her last few pages. Stacy giggled because she knew Sara’s read that book a million times and then took a swig of her beer.

 

I don’t know why she was trying to flirt with Sara; she wasn’t going to gain anything from it unless she legit wanted me to hit her. I put my sunglasses on and looked at her from the corner of my eye. Stacy’s eyes went from gawking at Sara and now onto me.

 

I had no shame when she saw me looking back at her, grimacing through my shades. No matter what Sara told me, I couldn’t hide how angry she was making me and the satisfaction of that was clear on her face. Sara was way into her book and Emy was napping now. Stacy had a wicked grin as she stared me down and it made me want to punch her so bad.

 

God she was creeping me out.

 

I looked at her neck and noticed those scars she had were gone now. She must have covered them up; there’s no way in hell those healed on their own since last night. They looked awful.

 

Stacy lost eye contact with me as she took another swig of her beer and adjusted the necktie on her bikini top, earning a look from Sara. She looked over to me and saw me eyeing Stacy, annoyed. She held her page with one hand while she brushed my hair back behind my ear and caressed my cheek with the other. I reached for her hand and stroked my fingertips back and forth along her palm. I couldn’t fake a smile right now even if I tried.

 

Sunglasses still on, my gaze was focused on Stacy as she eyed our hands touching and took more sips from her beer. I think Sara could tell I was distracted, even though she was completely focused on me. I couldn’t help but get angrier by the second at Stacy’s conniving expression with the faintest, most condescending smile.

 

“Tee,” Sara spoke, breaking my distraction and causing me to look at her. I guess it was obvious on my face. She squeezed my hand harder; even _she_ couldn’t calm me down right now.

 

“Excuse me.” Stacy spoke softly underneath her breath as she headed over to the bathrooms just around the corner from the bar.

 

I pulled myself from Sara’s hand and readied myself to get up.

 

“Tee, don’t.”

 

I didn’t say anything as Sara fought to grab my hand and keep me from following her. I should have listened to her; it was disrespectful of me not to, but the rage I had inside me was too much to be listening to Sara right now.

 

Sara kept calling my name and telling me not to go while I was already walking away. I darted over to where Stacy had gone and it was only her and I in the bathroom.

 

“What the fuck is your problem?” I grabbed her arm while she was gussying up in the mirror and acting all innocent.

 

Stacy threw my hand off of her and shoved me back. “Don’t touch me! What the fuck is _your_ problem?”

 

“Don’t act so fucking innocent and oblivious, Stacy! I know what you’re trying to do!”

 

“Oh yeah? And what’s that, Tegan?” Stacy raised a brow as she condescended me.

 

Apparently I had to spell it out for her.

 

“Stay the fuck away from Sara. I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to do with her, but she doesn’t fucking _want_ you.” I said the words as I shoved her again and slammed her body against the stall door. Stacy was a bit taller than me. Stronger I didn’t know about that, but I didn’t know and I guess we were about to find out.

 

“You’ll have to make me. It’s just so much fun watching how angry you get when I flirt with her.” She smiled cunningly and brushed her fingertips along the ends of my hair.

 

“Ugh! Don’t touch me!” I growled. “How’d you become so cruel? What happened to the Stacy that I used to know? The one who begged for my forgiveness and actually loved Sara? Sara forgave you! Why are you doing this?”

 

“She’s dead, Tegan; she’s long gone…just like Lindsey.”

 

Why did she say that? Something about her was so different. I had chills whenever I looked into her eyes and I didn’t feel like it really was Stacy I was talking to anymore; her energy just wasn’t the same. Much more depleted and dark. So…blank. It’s like someone really did kill Stacy and took over her body.

 

Possession.

 

That doesn’t exist though; not even in this cruel world.

 

“Don’t you dare talk about Lindsey right now! She was a horrible person!”

 

“Oh, get over it, Tegan. It wasn’t that bad.”

 

“She _drugged_ me, _raped_ me and _recorded_ it,” I was shocked at her arrogance as I spoke every word slowly and angrily.

 

She was just like Lindsey now.

 

“You liked it, Tegan. Don’t play victim. I was there; I remember your pleasured screams and how wet she made you.” Stacy placed her hands on my waist and made me extremely uncomfortable now. Her voice was calm when mine was shouting. Her words made me want to cry and my body didn’t even flinch to push her off of me. “I know you miss being with Lindsey. That’s why you slept with her again after Sara broke up with you.”

 

I felt a pain in my throat as I tried to swallow, tears readying in my eyes. “Who told you that?” I managed to let the words out, feeble and weak.

 

Stacy pinned my body up against the wall, shoving me hard once and keeping me there. I was scared. “Now why don’t you tell me what really happened to Lindsey?”

 

“I don’t know,” I panicked. She was scaring me.

 

“You were there, Tegan. I think you do know.” She kept her gaze on my face and she stood so close to me I could feel her breath.

 

I didn’t say anything; it was impossible for her to know anything about that night. Lindsey was gone by then to have told her.

 

I felt unsafe now.

 

“Oh, look who’s quiet now.” Stacy stroked her fingers against my lips. I didn’t dare breathe now after what she said next. “How was it watching her die, Tegan?”

 

Speechless.

 

“You fucked your sister afterwards, didn’t you?”

 

My mouth was dry now, body still and jaw shaking.

 

“And that’s when your mom caught you two. Oh man, what a night. You girls are sick, Tegan. Now everyone’s going to find out about you guys.”

 

Stacy wiped a tear from my cheek and kept talking slowly when she knew I wasn’t going to say anything back to her. She was superior to me right now, stripping me of my worth.

 

“You should have just listened to Lindsey and let her have Sara, too.”

 

I was terrified more and more that she knew everything that happened that night. That was impossible.

 

“What about me, Tegan? Are you gonna let me have Sara?”

 

“Not a chance in hell, Stacy. You don’t scare me,” I cried, weak. I couldn’t lie if I tried and she saw my fear plastered on my face.

 

“Just for tonight, Tegan. I just want to see why you like fucking your sister so much.”

 

That hit a nerve.

 

I took Stacy by the wrists and smashed her against the wall, making sure she slammed her head, too. She grabbed my shoulders and tried to protect herself, but my wrath was stronger right now. I threw a punch to the side of her face and her nose instantly starting bleeding. She deserved more than that for the way she talked about Sara, though.

 

I didn’t stop.

 

“Fuck you, Stacy! I fucking hate you so much! I hope you rot in hell!” I screamed endlessly at her and didn’t want to stop until she was crying just like she did to me.

 

“You’re never going to have her again, you fucking cunt!” I didn’t realize how loud our fight became until I heard Sara burst in and screaming, trying to break us up. Her presence didn’t faze me much; I still took shots at her.

 

“Hey, hey! Tegan! Stop!” Sara shrieked and put a hand on both of us.

 

I grabbed Sara’s hand and held her close to me; I was slow to realize she didn’t want to be touched right now as I continued to yell at Stacy and try to hurt her more. “Stay the fuck away from her, Stacy!”

 

“Tegan! She’s bleeding! Let go of me!” I did as she asked, hesitantly, as Sara grabbed paper towel for Stacy’s face and comforted her.

 

Of course Stacy was crying now, looking like I caused her so much pain. It was a front to make me look bad.

 

“Stace, are you okay?” I felt sick to my stomach watching Sara taking care of her and holding her up. There was nothing I could say without sounding like I was speaking out of anger or jealousy. She made it looked like I started this for no reason and Sara told me not to follow her in the first place.

 

This wasn’t good.

 

Stacy shook her head as she let more tears run down her face. I hate her so much right now; she’s so fake. I don’t know what happened. She was never like this. And why did she say that to me? She wants to see what it’s like being with Sara? She’s been with her before…

 

How’d she know everything, too?

 

Something wasn’t right and I couldn’t help but fear her.

 

I brought my attention back to the situation at hand. Sara had her arm around Stacy and held her as she shook and cried. I hated to watch; she’s conniving just like Lindsey.

 

How could she say those ruthless things to me?

 

I looked so guilty right now.

 

“Tegan, give us some space, please.” Sara asserted as she took care of Stacy. I couldn’t let her be alone with her.

 

I gave Sara a look and hoped to god she could read it. I didn’t know how to protect her right now.

 

A tear fell down my face. I didn’t know if she’d reject me or not, but I held her cheek and brushed her hair out of her face. “Sare,” I choked out in a sob. “Please be careful, baby. I love you.”

 

I went in to kiss her lips and she turned away for me to kiss her on the cheek. It was clear by her expression that she wasn’t trying to hurt me, but it wasn’t the right time to be affectionate and loving apparently. I paused and she looked at me with a serious face.

 

She wanted me to go.

 

I put my head on her shoulder and took in her smell, her warmth, even though she was being cold. From her perspective, I definitely didn’t look good. I looked merciless. I let a few tears fall onto her shoulder while I quietly cried. “ _Please_ , Sare,” I warned her one last time before I kissed her, lips drawn-out on her cheek.

 

“Tee…go.” She reiterated that she didn’t want me to be here.

 

I lingered a hold on her shoulder as we looked at each other. I didn’t want to make her any angrier with me than she already was, so I did as she asked and walked away.

 

I took Sara’s spot and laid down next to Emy, worry on her face and making it clear that she could hear Stacy and I from over here. She didn’t speak and waited for me to say something, knowing I was going to anyway.

 

I started bawling harder before I could speak, laying closely beside her and pushing my face into her shoulder. “I don’t trust her, Emy. Please believe me. Sara doesn’t believe me.”

 

“She’s flirting with her. Sara sees it, too, Tee. It’s okay, Sara’s not oblivious to it,” Emy reassured me as she rubbed my back.

 

“It’s not just flirting though, she’s trying to get her back. She’s trying to sleep with her.”

 

“I don’t trust her either, Tee; I wouldn’t be surprised that she is.”

 

“Sara walked in on me punching her and Stacy was just helpless. I think she hates me right now.”

 

“It’s okay, Tee. This will be over soon. She doesn’t hate you. Where are they?” Emy asked.

 

Sara’s taking care of her and getting her cleaned up. I don’t want them alone together, Em,” I warned.

 

“I know, but Sara’s a big girl. She can take care of herself,” she reminded me. I knew she could; she was strong. She just doesn’t know what she’s dealing with right now. If only she heard what Stacy had said to me.

 

Emy let me cry on her for a while until I fell asleep. I don’t know how long I had been crying or sleeping for, just that being without Sara felt like forever. Especially when I knew she was with Stacy.

 

A gentle caress on my back woke me and I could tell it was Sara. “Tee,” she breathed and I looked up at her, only to see her arm in arm next to Stacy. She didn’t look too good, holding ice wrapped in a paper towel for her bruised nose and black eye. Whoops.

 

“I’m gonna take the ferry back with Stacy and make sure she gets back to her hotel room safe,” Sara professed.

 

I didn’t like that idea one bit.

 

Before I could flinch and say the first thing that came to mind, Emy put her hand on mine. She reminded me that my distrusting response would only make Sara angrier toward me.

 

“Oh, umm…okay, baby. Do you have your phone on you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Can you call me when you get back, Sare? Please?” I know she could hear the worry in my voice.

 

“Yep,” Sara nodded as her and Stacy started to grab their things. “See you tonight. Enjoy the beautiful weather, guys. Don’t worry about us.”

 

Stacy made no eye contact with me this time. Part of me wanted to go with them, but I couldn’t. Sara would be angry with me and think I don’t trust her.

 

That was the least of my worries right now.

 

“See you tonight, Sare. I love you,” I said it more like a question, hoping she would say it back just this once today.

 

She raised a brow and shot me a shrewd smile as she turned away and left. It was the kind of look when I knew she was mad at me and didn’t want to say it back, even though we both know she loves me.

 

That was the gist of our fights.

 

Right now I needed Emy. I needed her to keep me sane. I needed her so I wouldn’t go crazy in my thoughts as to what could be going on with Stacy and Sara.

 

Sara had her phone on her.

 

That was good enough, right?


	53. Blur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rape warning. Use of drugs.

**Stacy**

Sara walked arm in arm with me and helped me onto the ferry while I held the ice to my face. Sara held our bags and found a quiet spot in the back corner, making sure I was comfortable as we sat down.

 

“How are you feeling?” She asked me with concern in her eyes, taking the ice off of my face to check for any more bruising.

 

“I’ll be okay in a bit, really, she didn’t do too much damage,” I let out a small giggle. “Once I get back to my room and shower I’ll feel a lot better.”

 

“On behalf of her, I apologize. Tegan can get a little…jealous sometimes. She can be a overprotective of me,” Sara justified.

 

“No really, Sare. You don’t have to apologize for her. I may have tried to flirt with you a bit, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make her mad and I shouldn’t have done that to her. I feel awful.”

 

“ _May have?_ You definitely were, Stace,” Sara nudged me.

 

“Okay, I obviously was. But I’m sorry, I’m still getting used to all this.”

 

We got off of the ferry and didn’t exchange much in terms of conversation, letting my last comment percolate as we walked back over to the hotel.

 

“Did you want to talk about it, Stacy?” Sara broke the comfortable silence and asked what may have been on her mind the whole way to my room.

 

I opened my door and held it open for Sara first. I walked in after her and checked out her body. Fuck, she looked good. “I’m going to take a quick shower. Why don’t we grab a drink downstairs in the lobby bar, we can talk then?”

 

“If you’re feeling better, I don’t see why not,” Sara smiled innocently and I couldn’t help but linger my gaze on her soft lips. I got distracted by how badly I wanted to bite them.

 

“Okay, make yourself at home,” I said, grabbing my bag and a fresh towel before making my way into the bathroom. I left the door open a crack while I showered—just because.

 

I heard Sara make a call to Tegan while I undressed in the bathroom.

 

“Hi, Tee…I made it back to the hotel okay…we’re just gonna spend some time together around the hotel and catch up…are you having fun there? I miss you too, baby…I love you…I’ll see you tonight…Bye, babe.”

 

Wow. Tegan seems needy—or insecure. I guess that was my doing, oops. I bet she’d be mad knowing that I was showering while Sara was just outside the door.

 

I wonder if Sara will tell her?

 

Oh, the things in my head right now. Theoretically I could just walk out nude, but I don’t think Sara would take that. She was loyal to Tegan; I’m not an idiot. Maybe I could walk out in my towel and say I forgot to grab my bra. Haha. She’d definitely look, just like she did earlier today. I’m not blind either.

 

I won’t do anything until later tonight; I’ll wait until she’s comfortable.

 

The running water was finally hot and I jumped in quick, washing myself and especially the blood off of my face and dried myself off in my towel. I moisturized my entire body and put a ton of product in my hair, curling it into loose waves. I made sure to cover up my bruises and cuts on my face.

 

And definitely not to forget the ones on my neck.

 

God, those twisted bed sheets fucked up her skin really bad. What did I expect, though? Not to mention it still hurts like a bitch. I built up coverage until it wasn’t noticeable, and I had to admit it looked really good. I looked good; hot even. That’s exactly what I was going for tonight.

 

I decided against being a flirt and got dressed in the bathroom. Sara knew what I was up to, anyway; she would’ve thought I’d be coming on too strong if I had pranced out in just a towel. I undid my towel and slipped into a really sexy pair of pink lace panties and a matching push-up bra, a black pair of high-waisted shorts and a black silk top.

 

I put my powder in my bag and made sure the GHB was in there too, along with cash. I was going to pay for Sara tonight, as a thank you for taking such good care of me today. I hung my towel to dry and took a final look in the mirror.

 

I opened the door to Sara sitting on the bed as she played with her phone, waiting as she sat cross-legged and looked so sweet and patient. Sara looked up at me once she heard me shut the bathroom door behind me.

 

“You look really pretty, Stace.”

 

“So do you,” I smiled. “You changed clothes,” I noted.

 

“Yeah, I changed into clean ones. The other ones had sand on them,” it was like we were making small talk with each other. I got a nervous vibe from Sara, like we were on a date or something. Sort of a romantic vibe.

 

She’s a taken lady, I know. That doesn’t mean I’ll rule out that she’s not still into me. I bet I could get her to ease up and be her bubbly drunk self—perhaps a little euphoric if I did this right.

 

“Well, you look good,” I complimented her again. She really did; she was wearing a tight pair of dark blue jeans and a loose fitting grey shirt, exposing the tattoos that covered her biceps. It didn’t matter what she was wearing, though. I wanted her clothes off, and soon they would be.

 

“Thanks,” she smiled somewhat awkwardly and made note of the silence afterwards. Sara was like that sometimes; not like I knew her all too well, but she’d get like that once in a while. Tegan was definitely the more social one. That’s why we clicked so well.

 

“Of course,” I kept the conversation going as I slipped on my flats. “Do you need to freshen up in the bathroom or are you ready to go?”

 

“Nope, I’m ready.” Sara got up and grabbed her wallet, slipping her phone in her back pocket.

 

“Leave this here,” I reached for her wallet and put it into her bag that she was leaving in my room. “It’s on me, Sare. You did a lot for me today that you didn’t have to do. So thank you. I appreciate you.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Of course,” I reinstated while I opened up the front room door for Sara. “We’ll catch up, it’ll be fun.”

 

I couldn’t help myself but to check her out again as she walked out. Those legs, fuck. There was something about her that just made her much more feminine than Tegan and that was really sexy about her. Her breasts looked a little bigger, too, even though she had a slightly more petite and less curvy frame. I looked at her while I was with Tegan, too.

 

Hey, who wouldn’t?

 

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t fantasized about having sex with both of them at the same time, but I don’t think they’d be into that. However I never thought they’d be into each other, but I was wrong. Now that’s something I would love to watch.

 

I don’t think I could pull that one off, even for me.

 

I wanted her out of those clothes right now; I couldn’t help but imagine what she looked like naked. Probably a lot like Tegan, but I don’t know. I’ve never been with twins before. Fuck I need to stop thinking about this.

 

She’s looking at me now.

 

“What are you thinking about?” Sara asked me while we waited for the elevator to bring us to the lobby floor.

 

“Nothing,” I flicked myself out of my own world and back to reality. “Just been a long day. I’m looking forward to a cold drink with you.”

 

“I understand, it really has been…eventful,” Sara tried to keep her words positive.

 

“When do you have to be back?”

 

“You mean when does Tegan come back?” She raised a brow. Damn she was smart, “probably an hour or two. She’ll be back around ten. I told her to stay until the sun starts to set; it gets beautiful at that time. And I wanted pictures from her.”

 

I pulled the barstool out for Sara to sit on and pushed her in, sitting down to her right and ordered drinks for us. We were still riding a slight buzz from the beach, but I exchanged beers for something a little stronger.

 

“Two glasses of Jenever, please.”

 

“Ugh, gin? You’re crazy, Stacy, but I’ll drink whatever you get me,” Sara chuckled.

 

“It’s the most popular drink in Amsterdam, I figured might as well,” I flashed a wink at her as the bartender brought our drinks.

 

“Thanks for this,” Sara smiled so sweetly, bubbly personality starting to shine through as she took a few sips. I think that’s the type of drunk Sara was. I liked that; I remember Tegan saying she gets really horny, too. I don’t remember how that conversation came up, but I didn’t seem to forget it. “So, Stacy. Talk to me about today. What’s up?”

 

“Already with the interrogations, Sare?” I stroked the back of my neck and let out an awkward laugh. “Yes I tried to get your attention today—I know your Tegan’s and I don’t have a chance and I don’t want to take you from her by any means. Not like I can, but I don’t know. I just did it; I like your attention and I don’t have it anymore.”

 

I rested my hand next to hers on the table and she lightly moved hers closer to herself and away from me. “I know. How are you, though? I don’t know if that’s okay for me to ask, but I’d really like to stay friends, Stace. I know we’ve hurt each other, but I think we can start over. We didn’t mean to.”

 

“I’m getting better by the day, taking each one as it comes. It has kinda helped being here, though. I like your presence, Sare, I really do. It’s been really disheartening and dark without Lindsey; everybody’s talking about it there in LA. They’re all in shock and that was too much on me.”

 

I watched Sara’s face turn from lighthearted to uneasiness. “If you don’t mind, I’d rather you didn’t bring up Lindsey’s name. I want to talk about this, I really do. Just not her.”

 

I must have really traumatized her. I guess I can understand that.

 

“Right, it’s okay. I completely understand. How is Tegan doing…about that night?”

 

“Well, she’s better about it. It was more so myself that had a hard time forgiving you, and I’d never forgive…Lindsey. Tegan thought I was overreacting and too harsh when you came to apologize. Her and I get very protective of each other that way,” Sara explained.

 

“Now the roles are switched, huh?” I noticed.

 

“Well, she’s just pissed about all the flirting you’re doing.”

 

“I’ll tone it down,” I was quick to reply.

 

“Not to sound like a bitch or anything,” Sara paused and took a drink. “But why not just stop?”

 

I mirrored her actions and took a sip of mine. I wanted to keep the mood light and not get her angry. “I could…” I raised a brow and smirked.

 

Sara laughed and put her bottle of gin down. “You _could,_ ” she emphasized with an amusement in her voice, “…but what?”

 

“I don’t have a real answer for you, Sare. You’re a beautiful girl and the breakup is still fresh in my mind. It’s shameless flirting I promise you, Tegan doesn’t have to worry about a thing. You’re hers, I know that and I’m not trying to ruin that happiness you two have. I don’t expect anything in return.”

 

“Admit it—you like making Tegan jealous,” she quipped.

 

“Just a little,” I winked as I squeezed my thumb and index finger together in the air, giggling a sneer.

 

“You’re a bitch,” Sara laughed as she drank the last sip of her Jenever. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom, I’ll be back.”

 

“I’ll grab us another round,” I checked her out again as she walked away.

 

Fuck me.

 

I gestured to the bartender to bring us two more gins. I grabbed the vial from my purse and squirted the liquid into her drink; it was colourless, and for the most part, tasteless. It was going to take about twenty minutes to kick in. The way Sara handles her alcohol I think she’d feel the more positive effects of it rather than losing consciousness, at least for the first while.

 

I’d have her in my room by then.

 

I watched her walking back and she was still so jovial; she was definitely going to be easier than Tegan. I was already undressing her out of her clothes with my eyes; I had to focus.

 

“Hi,” she smiled as she took a swig of her new drink. “I’m back.”

 

“Is it possible you got even prettier since I saw you two minutes ago?” I mean, I wasn’t lying.

 

Sara made a sarcastic remark and gave me a playful shove. “Way to tone it down, Stace.”

 

“Does Tegan compliment you a lot?” I asked, hoping it wasn’t overstepping for me to ask about their romantic relationship.

 

“All the time,” Sara took another sip. “She’s very thoughtful in that way; I love her a lot.”

 

“Lucky girl,” I smiled as I clinked my bottle to hers.

 

Sara picked up her phone off the table just as it vibrated. “Speak of the devil.”

 

“Is she back yet?” I asked.

 

“She’s coming back on the next ferry. I told her not to wait up for me when she gets home; we’re having fun,” Sara took her eyes off of her phone and smiled.

 

“Or maybe you just like free alcohol.”

 

Sara pointed at me as she took a sip again, “You hit it right on the head.”

 

I laughed with her as I touched her arm passively, but flirtatiously. “How are you feeling?” I asked, seeing if the alcohol or the drug had gotten to her yet.

 

“Good. I can feel my lisp starting, that’s my sign I’m cut off soon.” Sara giggled as she made fun of herself, “How are _you_ feeling, though?”

 

“Better since you’ve been looking after me,” I smiled at her with somber eyes. “I almost forgot I got punched in the face a few hours ago.”

 

Sara giggled and brushed off my suggestiveness. “Again, I do apologize on her behalf.”

 

“I’m sure you’ll make it up to me somehow,” I winked at her again.

 

Sara dipped her head to the side, fully aware of my flirting and amazed that I hadn’t given up yet. “Stace…”

 

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Sare. There’s other ways to make it up to someone,” I joked with her.

 

“Perhaps, but I got your proposal loud and clear.” Sara raised a brow, smirking at my flirtatiousness.

 

“I can’t help it when you’re looking at me like that. Well the ball’s in your field to do with that what you will.”

 

“I’m _very_ in love with Tegan, Stacy,” Sara reminded me again as if I may have forgotten.

 

“Tegan’s not here,” I leaned in and smiled at her cheekily.

 

“Okay, Stace. That’s enough, I hear you loud and clear. You want me back. I get it. I’m loyal to her, though. I have no desire to be with anyone else; she’s everything I could ever ask for in a lover. She’ll be waiting for me in my room when she gets back and I’ll be going back to her tonight. We have trust and I don’t plan on breaking it.”

 

“Your lips say one thing, but your body language says something else,” I didn’t stop flirting even when she told me.

 

It was going to kick in soon.

 

“Oh no I think you can hear me loud and clear, you’re just choosing to ignore it,” Sara corrected me as she sucked her lower lip into her mouth. I watched her eyes starting to glaze over; there it goes.

 

“Please don’t bite your lip like that Sara or else I’m gonna bite it for you.”

 

“Alright, Romeo. I’m starting to feel this drink,” Sara blushed. “Walk me back to _my_ room. Tegan’s probably waiting for me.”

 

“Finish your drink first and I’ll take you,” I lifted her bottle and she downed the last few sips rather quick.

 

“Wow, you really want to go, huh?” I teased.

 

“I think you’re getting a little carried away, but I know it’s just the alcohol talking. I’m not going to blame you.”

 

I said nothing and smiled at her.

 

“Okay, Stace. Now I’m really starting to feel this. Start walking.”

 

“Do you still get really horny when you get a buzz?” I interlaced my fingers into hers as I helped her stand up and we started to walk.

 

“I refuse to answer any more of your questions tonight,” Sara shot me another look. I haven’t pushed her limits yet; I knew I could keep going with it.

 

“That’s a yes,” I knew it to be true. One of the side effects was an increased sex drive, and Sara apparently already gets that way when she’s intoxicated—according to Tegan. Not to mention euphoria. Her giddiness and resistance made her so sexy right now.

 

She gave me a slight nudge with the hand she had held in mine as she started to stumble in her step. “Want me to carry you?” I asked.

 

“Can you?” Sara asked as if she was being a burden. I stopped her from walking any further, picked her up by her thighs and held her butt as I lifted her. Sara placed her elbows on my shoulders, wrapping them lightly around my neck now.

 

“Mmm,” she groaned and I could tell the drug was hitting her harder now. I could totally hear the arousal in her breaths though as she let out slight moans. She startled to giggle as I walked with her over to the elevator.

 

“Don’t worry. I’m not gonna drop you, Sara.” I smiled at her, keeping my gaze on the area in front of me as I walked and made sure not to bump into anything, or anyone in particular.

 

“Please don’t!” She shrieked and held me tighter, letting out another giggle as I squeezed her thighs.

 

I stopped with Sara still in my arms and waited for the elevator to come down to the lobby. I had time to look at her now as she returned the euphoric expression right back at me; the drug had completely turned off her inhibitions now.

 

“You’re very distracting,” I told her.

 

“How?” She asked; biting her lips and smiling as she was in her own little blissful world.

 

I caught her off guard and stopped her from laughing as I pressed my lips against hers, biting them softly and getting familiar with her sweet taste. “I told you to stop biting your lips like that.”

 

The elevator doors opened and we had it all to ourselves. I pressed the button for my floor and waited impatiently for the doors to close. I wasn’t patient enough to wait that long and sucked her lower lip into my mouth, massaging her skin with my tongue.

 

Sara made these really sexy noises when I kissed her again and again as she took breaths in between. “Mmm, your lips are so soft,” I breathed against them. There’s nothing I loved more about a girl than that.

 

“Thank you, I try to keep them that way.” She giggled, completely out of it. She made me laugh, too; she was pretty cute. I could see why Tegan was so crazy about her.

 

The elevator doors opened and Sara’s phone buzzed.

 

“Can you get that?” She asked as I had my hand on her back pocket that she kept her phone in.

 

_Tegan: Hi Sare. It’s getting late, are you coming back soon?_

_Sara: Hi, baby! Don’t wait up for me, we’re just hanging out. I’ll be back in a bit. I love you so much <3 _

 

“Got it for ya,” I slipped her phone into my dress pocket and held her body against the room door as I looked for the key. I was right. Needy. I guess she was like that with me, too.

 

“Thank you, Stace. You’re a good friend.”

 

“A good friend, huh?” I kissed her lips as the back of her head thudded against the door. “Is that all I get?”

 

Sara chuckled and had a tease in her tone, “I don’t know.”

 

“You don’t know?” I repeated her words and I could barely detach my lips from her skin. “What are you going to let me do to you tonight, hmm?”

 

“I don’t know that, either.” Sara responded in a daze as she took her lips off of me and looked up, letting my suck on her neck until I finally managed to open the door. “What do you have planned to do to me tonight?” She rearranged my question into a new one, not really knowing what she was saying to me.

 

“I’ll do whatever you want me to, sweetheart. Where do you like to be touched?” I sat onto the sofa chair beside the bed and sat her on my lap.

 

Sara stretched out her arms and ran her fingers through her hair, giggling like a little tease as she thought long and hard on how to answer my question. Or perhaps whether or not she was going to answer it, period.

 

“Right here,” she whispered, hands cupping her breasts and fingertips on her nipples as she ran them down her waist.

 

“Yeah?” I put my hands on her as she started to unhook her bra. “Right there?”

 

She was wearing a strapless bra and took it right off on her own while I kept my hands on her chest. I could feel her nipples through her shirt now and I wanted my mouth all over them.

 

“Mmh,” she cooed and put her hands overtop of mine. I watched the pleasure on her face and it was fucking hot. I felt so dirty. Poor Tegan. Sara won’t remember any of this that she consented to tomorrow.

 

Her whimpers heightened when I started to squeeze her breasts and her nipples a little harder. I could tell what got her off now. God she was sexy. She let me lift up her shirt and kiss her along her ribs as I did. She raised her arms just as I was almost done pulling off her shirt, lips brushing every inch of her breasts now and leaving her nipples for last. I knew that would tease her enough. I listened to her whimpers and knew what she was dying for me to do as she kept trying to touch them herself.

 

“You want me to kiss you right there?”

 

“Don’t tease me.”

 

“So you _are_ horny from your buzz, huh?”

 

Sara applied pressure to the back of my head and pushed my mouth to the bud of her nipple, letting out whimpers as I didn’t hold back to kiss her there. God I loved her moans; she was loud and I wanted to make her scream.

 

“Also taking that as a yes,” I murmured against her skin as I stroked my tongue all along her sensitive parts that earned me more moans. “Come here, beautiful,” I husked as I picked her up, carrying her over to put her on the desk. The look in her eyes told me she was barely there now. I wanted her to be there, though; I liked her bouncy personality and her laughter right now.

 

I tried to get her attention before taking off the rest of her clothes. I cupped her jaw with my palm and waited for her to focus on me. She had a senseless gaze on me eventually and very serious as she watched me.

 

Sara parted her lips and started giggling, life coming back into her eyes as she smiled showing her teeth. I massaged my tongue against hers in an open-mouth kiss, trying to calm her giddiness now, but I barely did. She was so out of it that she seemed to be enjoying it, not having any idea where she was right now or any thoughts about Tegan.

 

God she’s going to hate me if she finds out.

 

I detached my lips from hers and undressed myself, rummaging through my luggage for the strap-on I brought with me. Once I found it I slid it up my thighs thought about finally getting Sara completely naked.

 

“Lift your hips, Sara,” I asserted as she rested her feet against the arms of the chair and did as I asked. She watched me with an absent mind and looked like she was in thought.

 

“Stacy, where’s Tegan?”

 

“She’s in your room, Sara.”

 

“Is she looking for me?” She asked, so naïve and innocence on her face.

 

“I told her you’re safe with me.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

I pulled off each leg of her jeans one at a time and gawked at the arousal left on her red panties.

 

Increased sex drive—check.

 

“My god, you’re so pretty.” I admired her and every inch of her body while I slipped her panties off of her soft, porcelain legs and kissed her calves as I did. With my hands still on her legs, I moved upwards to the insides of her thighs. I stroked my fingertips against her clit and dipped them into her pussy to feel her wetness.

 

Fuck, she was so wet. I wanted to taste her.

 

She made the softest moan as I pulled my fingers out and stroked her clit for a second before I brought my digits up to my lips. She watched the satisfaction on my face as I sucked on them.

 

Fuck, I want to do everything to her right now and there wasn’t enough time.

 

“Open up your legs, beautiful.” I didn’t give her much of a choice as I spread them open as I told her to. She consented to it, though.

 

She was into it and I watched her eyeing the dildo between my legs.

 

“Does Tegan do this to you?” I actually wouldn’t have fucked her with a strap if she never had before. I didn’t want to hurt her; I wanted to make her feel good tonight.

 

“Yes,” she revealed honestly. I could probably ask her anything right now.

 

“Do you like it fast?” I asked as I wrapped each of her legs around my waist and lifted her hips, positioning her onto the toy. She was so lightweight and flexible and I wanted to take advantage of it.

 

I bet she’s tight and a screamer, too.

 

“Mmm,” Sara moaned with pursed lips until I kissed her and she parted them. She liked my tongue on her lips and in her mouth, apparently. I pressed the dick into her pussy and watched the pleasure on her face escalate.

 

“Hold onto me, Sara,” I nibbled on her ear and sucked on her neck. I lifted her hips off of the desk and pressed her up against the wall, earning a loud whimper from her.

 

“Where’s Tegan?” She asked again with arousal searing her voice. I don’t think she remembers asking the first time.

 

“Don’t worry about Tegan right now, sweetheart. Just let me make you feel good,” I barely gave her time to process or respond to what I had said. I squeezed her hips and made her ride me up and down as I kept her pushed against the wall.

 

“Oh!” Her screams carried through the room as she shut her eyes tight and bounced on my strap.

 

“Fuck, Sara. Oh fuck me. You sound so good.” I stopped her from riding me, causing tension and torment to her while I bit her chest where she was sensitive. She kept grinding her hips on me while she screamed. It was a good thing these walls were thick and no one we knew was on our floor because her high-pitched shrieks were ringing in my ears. I didn’t want her to stop.

 

“How do you feel, Sara?”

 

“Mmh, it feels so good!” I let her ride me now and slammed her body against the dildo. I’d fuck her as hard as she’d let me tonight just to hear her scream like that; I couldn’t get enough of those sobs in my ear and those soft lips on mine.

 

She lowered herself down slightly so that she was face to face with me now, biting my shoulder as she tried to quiet herself. She felt good on me. I tilted her chin up and bit her lips again, letting her shriek against my mouth and exhale heavy breaths.

 

“Do you want me to eat your pussy, Sara?”

 

“Uh-huh,” she breathed out as I kept her bottom lip between my teeth. I kept her on my dildo as I carried her over to the bed, pressing my knees onto the mattress as I fucked her slowly in a missionary position and legs around my shoulders. My god, she was flexible as fuck. I’ll take advantage of that while I’m eating her out.

 

I pulled the dildo out of her and earned a tortured shriek between her wet lips. Sliding the strap down from my thighs and tossing it onto the ground, I spread Sara’s slender thighs and opened her legs as I pressed my hands to the insides of her knees. Her pussy was so pretty and I looked up to her face, seeing her impatient expression for me to suck on her clit.

 

I kissed her between her legs just as her phone buzzed; it was a phone call. Fuck.

 

“Can you get that, Stacy? That could be Tegan.”

 

Fuck no I’m not getting that. And no shit, Sara; it’s probably fucking midnight by now and she’s damn well worried as fuck.

 

“I don’t hear anything, Sara.” I lied and proceeded to kiss her pussy and slip my tongue inside her as she whimpered.

 

“No, that’s my phone. Please, Stacy?” This drug sucks.

 

It stopped ringing, she was probably on her way now. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

 

“Put your clothes on, Sara. Your sister’s coming to get you.”

 

“Why do I need to put clothes on?” Sara questioned, so oblivious.

 

“Because she’s not gonna like that I’m fucking you.”

 

Sooner than I expected, there was an uncontrollable knock on the door.

 

That was _definitely_ Tegan.

 

“Is that Tegan?” Sara’s bubbly voice got more excited as she jerked up off of the bed to get the door.

 

I grabbed her by her hips and tried to calm her down. “Put your clothes on, Sare.”

 

“Tegan! I’m coming, baby!” She was going to say something to her…unless she forgets what we did by the time she opens the door for her.

 

“Sara, no! Get your clothes on!” I yelled at her, trying to keep my voice down but I could hear Tegan yelling through the door now.

 

“Lindsey, open the god damn door!”

 

Oh fuck.

 

I pulled Sara’s hand toward the desk where all of our clothes were, trying to dress her back into her clothes but it wasn’t easy. I managed to get her into her bra, panties and shirt and myself into my dress. It wasn’t so easy putting her pants on her. I held onto her while I threw the strap on under the bed.

 

“Sara! Put your fucking pants on!” She broke free from my grip and ran fast to the door. I panicked and struggled to follow her. She fumbled with the deadbolt, but opened the door to her sister by the time I grabbed onto her body.

 

“Hi baby!” Sara shrieked in a chipper voice and Tegan’s facial expression fell. I watched her heart sink, ripping in half just as her face turned to stone and eyes emotionless.


	54. Possession

**Tegan**

 

“You gonna be okay here?” Emy asked me as she held my hands and looked into my eyes, concerned, walking me to my hotel room.

 

“Uh, I think.”

 

I didn’t like Sara leaving with Stacy one bit. I had to be tough for a few hours. I had messaged her once and she responded almost immediately. It’s not at all like I didn’t trust Sara. I trust her with all my heart.

 

It was Stacy I didn’t trust.

 

Sara’s a smart girl; smarter than me. Not like that’s much to beat, but she is much more logical than I ever will be and I admired that about her. I know she could take care of herself, but I just don’t know what Stacy is capable of.

 

She was giving me empty threats; Sara would never sleep with Stacy. There was still a part of Sara that hadn’t forgiven her for what she and Lindsey had done to me. And on the other hand—Sara and I have an unbreakable trust.

 

Was I underestimating Stacy?

 

She couldn’t be half as evil as Lindsey; there was no way in hell. Someone at Lindsey’s level only comes around once in a lifetime. She’s a terrible person. And even though her and Stacy were friends, I’ve seen some very sweet sides of Stacy. She means well and was always so pure of heart. Lindsey, on the other hand, has always been hardheaded—even when we were together.

 

Sara never liked her.

 

I just don’t know what’s been going on with Stacy since Lindsey died. And those scars, ugh. I cringed at the thought of them. How could Sara not have noticed them that night Stacy had her over?

 

Maybe Stacy _was_ just as cunning as Lindsey. Was I being an idiot by allowing tonight happening? I can’t message Sara again; she’s already mad at me for being so hateful and envious towards Stacy getting her attention.

 

I can get through tonight. I can do this. She’ll be here sleeping next to me soon.

 

Safe.

 

“Tee?” Emy knocked me back into reality and broke me from my thoughts. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Sorry, uh…yeah. Okay, Em. See you tomorrow.”

 

“Listen to her, Tee. Get some rest, don’t wait up for her; she’s coming back tonight. You know how much she loves you,” Emy reasoned.

 

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

 

We said goodbye and I dropped my bag down next to the door as I stepped in. This was really hard. Just a few hours, I kept telling myself.

 

Ugh. Sara baby, please be safe.

 

I checked the time on my phone. It barely moved.

 

I had to message her.

 

_Tegan: Hi Sare. It’s getting late, are you coming back soon?_

The room feels so empty without her. Well, I guess it’s time for me to get ready for bed—there wasn’t much else to do. I hate this day off. Tomorrow better be better.

 

I went over to the bathroom and looked at my miserable face, running the water to a warm temperature as I washed up. I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. Just as I was about to turn the lights out, I saw my phone light up and Sara had messaged me two minutes ago.

 

Okay, that was pretty fast. That brought some sort of peace to my mind.

 

Maybe I was being a little dramatic about tonight. She will be here soon. I couldn’t tell myself that enough. And as much as I did, I don’t really know if I could truly believe it.

_Sara: Hi, baby! Don’t wait up for me, we’re just hanging out. I’ll be back in a bit. I love you so much <3_

Well, lights out.

 

\--

 

To my surprise, I managed to fall asleep and my phone woke me, buzzing uncontrollably. I looked around—still no Sara. My stomach twisted knowing she was still out with Stacy; a pang of jealousy once again. The bright screen hurt my eyes and I saw Emy’s name flashing.

 

It’s midnight, what could she possibly want?

 

Accept.

 

“Yeah?” I answered her with a groggy voice.

 

“Tegan, get up. This is serious. I’m on my way to your room with Colin. Are you awake? Open the door right now. I’ll be there in two minutes.”

 

“Wait, wait, slow down, Em.” Her tone was scaring me and I was wide-awake now, “What’s happening?”

 

“I just called Stacy’s brother. You got to me when you said something about her was off and I couldn’t sleep, so I called him to see if he knew anything that I didn’t. Listen to me Tegan, are you listening?” She spoke in fragments; scattered. I could barely understand her what with just waking up.

 

“Yes. Yes, I’m listening. What is it, Em? You’re scaring me.” I turned the table lamp on and sat up against the headboard. I wanted her to get to the point before my anxiety broke out, potentially for no reason.

 

“Stacy committed suicide last week,” Emy said bluntly.

 

“What? That’s impossible. She was with us all day, Emy. You’re being delusional. Sara’s still out with her.”

 

“No, Tegan. Stacy hung herself. Her brother walked into her closet and found her. When he called the police, her body was gone. He’s hysterical right now; her whole family is.”

 

“What?” She _hung_ herself? A spasm in my stomach shot through my core once I thought about it a little further.

 

The scars.

 

I felt sick to my stomach. Nobody survives from hanging.

 

“Whoever Sara’s with right now, that’s not Stacy. That might be her body, but you said it yourself—she’s been really fucking creepy since she got here.”

 

Anxiety.

 

A twinge in my throat almost asphyxiated me while the past few days flashed before my eyes.

 

My mind went back to my fight with Stacy; that’s when I was able to take a really good look at her. Her presence the entire time didn’t feel right at all. Dark. Her energy was completely different, like I had been talking to a different person this whole trip. Why didn’t I listen to my gut instinct about her?

 

My mind flashed back to what I asked her during our fight when I was in tears.

 

_‘How’d you become so cruel? What happened to the Stacy that I used to know?’_

She was doing things that weren’t like her at all since she’s been here. Of course there was her heartlessness. Stacy always had a heart that shone through even on her worst days. When Sara told her about our affair, she was genuinely heartbroken. Now it’s like she was hitting on Sara just to get a rise out of me.

 

This Stacy was so arrogant.

 

The way she was taking pictures on that camera, god that reminded me so much of the way Lindsey held it. Stacy didn’t know how to use a camera; especially a DSLR like that one Lindsey gave to her. I didn’t care what Stacy said about Lindsey teaching her; that was bullshit.

 

 _That_ was my gut instinct.

 

It didn’t make any sense, though; when did Lindsey get a chance to give it to her when her death wasn’t anticipated, let alone teach her?

 

She even had the same squint in her eyes that Lindsey did when she shot wide angles with her camera like that.

 

_‘She’s dead, Tegan; she’s long gone…just like Lindsey.’_

It still wasn’t adding up, but then it hit me.

_‘Just for tonight, Tegan. I just want to see why you like fucking your sister so much.’_

Why would Stacy keep referring to her ex-girlfriend namelessly as ‘my sister’?

 

But she’s been with Sara before?

I let out a loud gasp into the phone.

 

Oh my god.

 

No, that was impossible. That _is_ impossible.

 

No.

 

That would explain everything, though. How could that be?

 

That explains how Stacy knew exactly what happened on the night of Lindsey’s death. There was no other rationalization for it.

 

Possession.

 

“What is it, Tegan?”

 

I couldn’t speak.

 

“Tegan, I’m outside. Open the door. Hurry.”

 

Unsteady, I lurched my body out of bed and ran to the door in a panic. I had to get to Sara. I don’t know how this could be happening right now.

 

There’s no way in hell she was safe.

 

I opened the door to Emy and Colin and barely greeted them. We were all already headed to the elevator to Stacy’s room and I dialed Sara’s number as fast as I could.

 

“Pick up, Sara. Pick up. Pick up!” I was almost in tears and manic now but I had to stay calm. I tried my best to as we rushed to the elevator.

 

No answer.

 

“She’s not safe,” I bawled into Emy’s shoulder as I impatiently stood in the elevator.

 

“We’re almost there, Tee. Stay calm. She’s not going to hurt her.” Emy tried her best to calm and comfort me, but she was on edge herself. Colin kept his mouth shut and looked at me with concern on his face, wishing there was something he could do to help me right now. I could tell by his expression that he, too, knew whatever Sara was doing still out wasn’t going to be good.

 

I pushed the elevator doors open faster than they could part once we reached Stacy’s floor. I squeezed my body through the doors as I darted with all the strength I had left in my body. Emy and Colin weren’t far behind.

 

I banged relentlessly on Stacy’s door as soon as I was in arms reach. I was ignorant right now to the others on the floor that I might wake at this hour; Sara wasn’t okay right now.

 

“Is that Tegan?” I could hear Sara’s bubbly voice slightly muffled through the door and Stacy scolding her and trying to keep her voice down. “Tegan! I’m coming, baby!” I heard Sara’s voice aloud again, mixed in with Stacy’s ongoing scolding.

 

Or should I say Lindsey.

 

“Lindsey, open the god damn door!” I continued to bang uncontrollably.

 

I could hear rustling in the room and she was clearly stalling for some reason and not letting Sara get to the door. There were loud footsteps now and I could hear even more resistance. It must have been Sara coming over and trying to open it, but she wasn’t letting her.

 

There was fumbling at the door as someone fiddled with the lock and I assumed it was Sara.

 

“Sara, open the fucking door.” I husked anxiously underneath my breath, tears dying to fall from my eyes.

 

The handle turned and there she was. “Hi baby!”

 

Half-naked.

 

My heart sank.

 

What?

 

Stacy was hooked onto her body and clearly trying to keep her from opening the door to me. I can’t handle this. I was in shock and the feeling emanated through my entire body. I couldn’t take in any explanation for this right now. Please god, let there be a logical explanation for why Sara is half-naked right now.

 

Please.

 

“What’s going on, Sare?”

 

“I missed you, baby,” Sara hugged me and wrapped her arms tight around my waist. Her body was shaky and she looked like she was about to collapse onto me, naked legs barely keeping her up.

 

“Sara,” I breathed, trying to keep myself together. I couldn’t get my mind off of her exposed legs as Stacy watched us from behind her. “What’s going on?”

 

Sara could hear that upset tone in my voice. She looked at me with wide-eyes, guilty and cluing in that she did something wrong. “I don’t know—”

 

“What were you and Stacy doing, Sare?”

 

A look of worry washed over Sara; I realized she wasn’t mentally there right now. Oh my god, please no. Stacy wouldn’t do that. No. “I don’t remember…I don’t know.” She started to panic.

 

I took a step inside and couldn’t help but notice the obvious. I couldn’t be in denial, no matter how much I wanted to be. I’d be a fucking idiot not to notice it. “It smells like sex in here, Stacy.” She didn’t say anything and Sara was feeding off of my unease.

 

“Tegan…” Sara’s voice became wary and scared. She had no recollection of what had just happened.

 

“Baby, come here.” I pulled her into me as anxiety rushed through my veins. I started to pick up on the fact that she was completely unaware to anything that was going on around her. This wasn’t good. “What’s the last thing you remember?” I was getting anxious for different reasons now.

 

Sara looked around the room, confusion on her face as she held onto me. “I don’t know….I don’t know how I got here.”

 

I could smell the alcohol on Sara’s breath and it was strong. Her eyes were glazing over as she looked at me with frightened eyes. I squeezed Sara’s weak body hard against mine and held the back of her head as she rested it on my chest. Tears fell from my face as I kissed Sara’s temples and smelled the sweat on her skin.

 

She took advantage of her.

 

Sara started to stumble in my arms and I held her upright as much as I could.

 

“It’ll wear off in a few hours,” she said as she stood behind Sara. There was zero sympathy in her shallow voice.

 

I could already tell Sara was on something, but it all became more real once she finally addressed it. I looked at her with hate in my eyes, but I was weak and fragile right now.

 

“What did you do to her?” I knew the answer, but I had to hear it from her.

 

“I think you know what I did to her, Tegan.”

 

“ _What_ did you do to her?” I repeated the question again, furious now.

 

“She got drunk and _she_ wanted to have sex.” She looked at my face like she loved seeing the hurt she could cause on me, a faint smile seeping through her expression as she watched.

 

She was so clearly skewing the truth. The instant she said that I felt my heart rip in half and a pang in my throat. I exhaled a whimper and pursed my lips to try to keep my sobs from escaping. It was no use; I was hysterical as I shook my head back and forth.

 

“No. No you didn’t, Sara.” I broke down as I hugged Sara’s body and she was unresponsive. “You wouldn’t do that, Sara. Sara, please talk to me baby. Say something. Please,” I tilted her chin up and her eyes were lifeless.

 

“What’s wrong with her?” I was raising my voice now through pained shrieks and cries. I sat her down gently against the wall as I held her unconscious body. “Sara, sweetheart. Wake up!”

 

“She’ll wake up in a few hours—she won’t have any memory of tonight.”

 

I snapped my gaze over to her as she stood overtop of me, looking down at Sara and I and speaking in a monotone. How could she be so cruel?

 

“Oh my god,” I cried harder into the crook of Sara’s neck, as I finally said the words aloud myself. I barely had any recollection of the night she did this to me. I didn’t want to say it; I didn’t want it to be real. I couldn’t believe it. “You drugged her?! Oh my fucking god, how could you?! You fucking raped her!”

 

I looked into her eyes as I screamed at her, not being sensitive to Sara unconscious in my arms. I couldn’t contain myself with the shock I was in. Her orbs were pitch black and it startled me as I pulled Sara closer into me.

 

Was she going to hurt me?

 

She leaned into me with a blank stare as she touched my shoulder; I flinched and tightened my fists around Sara’s waist.

 

“No, Tegan. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m sure you’re already hurt just looking at your sister,” her voice was low and demonic as she caressed Sara’s face. “I didn’t hurt her, either. I only did what she wanted me to.”

 

“She didn’t want you to _do_ anything! Don’t you dare touch her!” I growled, shoving her arm off of Sara.

 

“That’s a little redundant now, don’t you think?” She smiled a creepy grin and raised a brow.

 

“You’re so fucked up. You’re fucking sick. I hate you so much,” I shouted, letting a million tears run down my face.

 

She let out a disturbing chuckle as she smiled at me. “You’re smart, Tegan. You figured out who I am.”

 

“Only _you_ could do something this heartless, Lindsey.”

 

“Aw, don’t cry, Tegan.” She patronized me as she narrowed her dark eyes, “although you look so pretty when you do.”

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“Oh, are you mad? There’s no need for profanity, Tegan. Oh, and by the way, I see why you like fucking her so much.”

 

“Stop it.”

 

“You wanna know what we did, Tee?”

 

“Fuck you, Lindsey.” I interrupted her, distraught. I didn’t want to hear anything.

 

“She let me feel her up on that chair over there,” she went on as she pointed behind her. She was trying to get a reaction out of me and she was doing a damn good job of it.

 

“Shut up!”

 

“I ate her pussy on that bed. Fuck, she tastes so good. You’re right; she really does get horny after a few drinks. And she’s really loud, huh?”

 

My blood was boiling now, how dare she talk about her like that. “I hate you,” I repeated as I shook my head and covered my hand over my mouth.

 

“Oh, yeah. And she let me fuck her against that wall right there. That’s when she started asking where you were. She really loves you, Tegan. Too bad she didn’t listen to you; it’s a shame she’s so sweet and naïve.” She had gone too far.

 

“I said ‘shut the fuck up’!” Emy was watching from the doorway and ran to Sara when she saw me let go of her and throw myself toward Lindsey.

 

I felt Colin pulling me back when I started throwing punches at Lindsey’s face. Contrary to our fight earlier today, she fought back this time and punched me right in the stomach. She pushed my back onto the floor and pinned me down by my shoulders, clenching my jaw with full force.

 

“I said I wasn’t going to hurt you, Tegan. But if you hurt me, I’ll hurt you.” She had the side of my face pressed hard against the floor now and her grip was excruciating. “You know I’m a lot stronger than you. And trust me, I can hurt you if I want to.”

 

“Ow!” I screeched and her grip became tighter; I was sure she was going to choke me to death.

 

I heard her growl and she released her grip on me, not by choice. Colin slammed her off of me and I felt winded as he jumped over my body.

 

He had a gun at her head.

 

“Go!” He yelled, keeping his complete attention on Stacy’s body. “Tegan, Emy, go and take Sara with you!”

 

“Oh, it’s my killer.” She spoke mockingly and barely a flinch; Lindsey wasn’t human.

 

“Killer first, ex-fiancé second. Huh, Linds?”

 

I ran to Emy as fast as I could and grabbed Sara from her, throwing her over my shoulders and covered her bare legs with my jacket while Emy went straight for the door. Traumatized, she fumbled to open it and finally got it to open. She was breathing hard as she held the door for me; she hadn’t said a word this whole time and just watched from the distance.

 

Sara’s hands twitched as they hugged my neck, making small moans and giving me hope that she would be awake soon. It was far too early for that, though; it was probably just because I was shaking her from running so fast down the stairs to our floor. I didn’t want to take the elevator; it was too slow. It’s not like anyone would be wandering at this hour, but you never know.

 

“We’re almost at our room, baby. It’s okay—you’re okay now. I’m going to take care of you and stay up all night with you, okay?”

 

Emy rushed up to our door and grabbed my room card from my pocket, unlocking it as she slid it through and she darted inside. She held the door for me without saying a word.

 

“How’s she doing?” Emy asked; her voice was coated with concern.

 

Sara let out more moans and sounded like she was going to be sick. I could feel her body lurch against my chest and I ran over to the bathroom with her, setting her arms over the toilet seat.

 

Fuck, she was getting nauseous. I wanted this to be over; this was a complete nightmare. I hope this is the only other side effect she gets from this drug Lindsey gave her. I held her hair back and kept her upright while she heaved into the toilet bowl.

 

I didn’t do well with sickness. The sounds of her throwing up made me worry even more, but Emy tried to calm me down as she watched from outside the bathroom.

 

“The worst is over, she’s going to be okay. This might be good, maybe it’ll help get the drug out of her system,” Emy postulated.

 

Her nausea passed after a few minutes and I think she was done for now. I ripped off some toilet paper from the roll and wiped her mouth with it. I got Emy to bring some fresh clothes of Sara’s to the bathroom while I stayed to take care of her. I carefully lifted her shirt up overtop of her hand and took off her bra, putting on a new shirt.

 

I had a difficult time taking off her panties because I knew Lindsey had taken them off earlier without Sara’s clear-headed consent. They were covered in her arousal and it pained me that Sara was completely oblivious to the entire night. I dressed her in clean panties and put on her favourite pair of silk pajama shorts. Her legs were still so smooth and I couldn’t help but look at my sister’s body from Lindsey’s eyes.

 

Every inch of Sara’s body is absolutely beautiful and tonight Lindsey saw it as an object to fulfill her needs—whether it was to hurt me or somebody else or just make herself feel good. As you can tell, Sara is very shy and takes a while for her to open up to me, both physically and emotionally. For her to be comfortable with me and to be completely intimate with me and expose herself at her most vulnerable in her naked skin and trust me with her body—I never take that for granted. I cherish that we have such a strong connection and deep love for each other that we can share that.

 

Sara’s body wasn’t for just anyone to see—especially Lindsey.

 

She started taking deep breaths and I was getting hope that she would regain full consciousness now. Her comatose eyes met mine, but her body was still limp on its own.

 

“Sara,” I breathed, hoping she would respond to me.

 

“Tegan?” Her voice was almost silent as she started to drop her head, about to collapse again. I picked her up and carried her over to my bed.

 

“It’s okay, baby. I’m here. I’ve got you; you’re safe,” I reassured her if by any chance at all she could hear me as she stayed curled up and I hugged her into my chest.

 

Emy sat on the edge of the bed and watched as I worried over Sara. I noticed she had the faintest smile on her still anxious face and she caught my attention in the corner of my eye.

 

“What?” I looked up at her.

 

“You really care about her,” Emy stated the obvious as her smile turned bigger. She knew Sara was going to be okay, whereas I had to keep telling myself and hopefully I’d eventually believe it.

 

I looked at Sara as she lay in my arms, and brushed my fingers through her hair. “Yeah, I do. A lot,” I looked at her face again and kissed her forehead; she looked peaceful. I was hurt by tonight more than she was, at least for now until she could understand what had happened to her. “I do care about her…I love her.”

 

“I can tell.” It was strange being so out about our romantic relationship right in front of Emy, but she didn’t seem to mind in the slightest. “When did you know you were in love with her?”

 

That was an easy answer.

 

“When I saw the way she looks at me…” I trailed off as I watched Sara’s chest rise and fall ever so slightly as she breathed. “The way she smiles at me and she has this passion in her eyes—I realized I look at her the exact same way.”

 

Emy just listened and smiled as I went on.

 

“I don’t love her because she completes me or because she makes me happy, which she does. She does complete me. She does make me really happy. I don’t know a life without her, but to say I love her for those reasons…that would be selfish. I like to think I can be happy on my own and that I’m already so complete that I can light a whole city.

 

“But the two of us combined,” I let out a soft laugh and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her, thinking of all the memories we had and the relationship we had built together. I cherished everything—good and bad.

 

It made us golden.

 

“We could set it on fire.”

 

Sara let out of a soft, comfortable hum as she moved her head lower onto my chest.

 

“I told her I wasn’t going anywhere, that we’d figure this out together. I told her I wanted everything and I didn’t care what came into our lives and challenged our relationship. I told her I wanted all the good things, all the bad—and all the hard. I meant every word.”

 

I interlaced her lifeless fingers into mine and kissed the back of her hand.

 

“Clearly,” I exhaled; thinking about what Lindsey did to her.

 

“What was the hardest thing you’ve had to go through together, being out and all?” Emy was curious about our relationship and was asking a lot of questions. I didn’t mind in the slightest.

 

“The night when mom found out about us—Sara was devastated. That was the same night Lindsey died; Lindsey had a knife against Sara. And Sara covered my eyes while she watched Colin murder her. Lindsey put her through so much, Em. Sara hates her so much.”

 

“Sonia knows?! How?” Emy missed the point that Sara would be devastated if she knew it was Lindsey who raped her tonight. In her defense, there was a lot of shocking things she was hearing for the first time.

 

I didn’t mean to give her an over share, but since she asked I decided to tell her. “We were having sex in the backseat of the car, and then she was outside the window and saw us. I’ll never forget the look on Sara’s face when she saw her.”

 

“Wow. I had no idea she knew. I think that’s the hardest person to come out to about it.”

 

“Then there’s the fans.”

 

“You think they know?” Emy asked.

 

“There’s some curiosity raised on Tumblr, but it’s the same people who were so sure we were romantically involved even before we actually were. Sara keeps telling me not to worry about it unless word starts to get out.”

 

“That would be one of my worries, too. I’d be so curious what would happen if they knew.”

 

“I don’t think it’d be good,” I exhaled a small laugh until the thought of Emy leaving me alone disconcerted me. “Hey, Em? Can you stay here tonight, please?” I didn’t want to be a burden on her.

 

“Of course,” Emy reassured me that I wasn’t overstepping by asking. “I wouldn’t want to be alone either after seeing Stacy…or, err…Lindsey? So creepy,” I could tell that chills were sent down her spine just at the thought of Stacy’s possession.

 

Emy came up to the headboard of the king-sized bed, sitting next to me as I held Sara. She brushed her arm softly and checked her pulse. “Her heart beat is a little slow, but that’s a normal side effect. She’s gonna wake up soon.”

 

“I’m gonna stay up with her until she does. You can sleep; make yourself at home here, Em. Thank you for being here. You really mean a lot to us.”

 

“You guys mean a lot to me, too.” Emy smiled as she pulled the sheets up over her.

 

“I love you. Goodnight, Em.”

 

I turned off the night table lamp and let Emy fall asleep. It was pitch black now, but I could still feel Sara’s faint breaths on me as I took in her smell. She still had alcohol on her breath and it pained me to think about. And she didn’t smell like herself. I could smell foreign perfume on her. The worst is over now; I had to keep telling myself that.

 

I wish I wasn’t so stupid.

 

If I had to do it over again, I would have gone with my gut instinct and not let Sara go back with Stacy. Even if Sara hated me for it, it would have been for the better.

 

How could I let someone take advantage of her like that?

 

I just want her to wake up because waiting right now is complete agony. God I hope she’s not hurt. I hope she didn’t hurt her; she’s so heartless.

 

I didn’t want Sara sleeping on her back in case she got nauseous again. I pulled her up a little higher between my legs and onto my lap as I sat upright with her against the headboard.

 

My arms were wrapped around her while her hands rested on her stomach. I tried to soothe her by massaging her palms and giving her soft kisses on her ears, in hopes that maybe she’d be conscious soon.

 

“You’re gonna wake up soon, baby. You’re safe with me, my love,” I whispered to her as I kept my lips pressed to her warm cheek.

 

“ _Please_ wake up soon, Sara. I love you so so much,” I was sure a tear fell onto her cheek as I spoke. I hope she was at peace and tranquil right now; I’m sure she wouldn’t remember any of this right now or this entire night. I just wanted to keep her relaxed and make her feel safe, despite how I found her tonight.

 

I watched her profile as my eyes adjusted to the dark and became somber. I slid my body down slightly from the headboard and kept Sara warm in my arms, keeping her in between my legs as I tried to keep her upright a bit.

 

“Please wake up for me soon, baby girl,” my lids were heavy and I fought to stay up; I was comfortable with her physically, but mentally was a whole different story. I was sure Emy had fallen asleep already; this whole day exhausted her as well.

 

For a brief moment, I wondered what happened after we left Lindsey’s hotel room while I got drowsier and drowsier. I rested my head in the crook of Sara’s neck, my lips closed and exhales hitting her skin through my nose. I could fully see her face in the dark now; she did look very peaceful.

 

Sara stopped those breathy moans that gave me hope she would be up soon, even after I massaged her ribs gently and held her tight. I could feel my tears falling onto her cheeks and her hair again as her body felt more lifeless than ever.

 

\--

 

I could feel rustling overtop of my body and my hands felt Sara’s warmth. Her face was pushed into my chest and she must have turned over to sleep on me like this when I fell asleep through the night. I caressed up and down her sides with my hands underneath her shirt to feel her warm skin. My knee rested in between her legs as I gave her a firm kiss on the forehead. Her hands lay delicately on my shoulders and I took my palms against hers, interlacing our fingers.

 

My heart started to race; she was waking up.

 

“Good morning, Sara,” I tried to keep my voice as calm as I could. There was nothing good about this morning—why did I say that?

 

I saw the sun shining through the windows and Emy must have opened the blackout curtains. The shower was running and I realized she had left the bed and gone into the bathroom, giving us some privacy.

 

My hands stayed tightly locked into Sara’s while she took her time getting up as she looked around the room in confusion.

 

God, I didn’t know what to say to her.

 

“Tegan?” Unease brushed upon her heavy-eyed face, “were you crying?”

 

I didn’t respond; I decided to let Sara think about the fact that she probably had no recollection of last night rather than telling her.

 

“Wait, how did we get back to our room?” She clued in.

 

It killed me that she really didn’t know and reaffirmed it for me that it had actually happened. I broke down in tears and squeezed her body into mine.

 

“Tee?”

 

I bawled into her harder and harder the more she asked questions that she didn’t know the answer to. I sat up against the headboard as I held her so that we were chest to chest and her legs were wrapped around my waist.

 

“Are you in any pain, sweetheart?” I held her hips, in hopes that maybe she would catch on but of course there was no way.

 

“Pain? Wh…what are you talking about?” She looked at me in confusion, tilting her head to the side, lids still heavy.

 

I shook my head back and forth and gripped the back of her head, stroking my fingers through her tangled hair.

 

“Tee, I’m scared. You’re scaring me. I don’t remember how I got into these clothes or how we got back here.”

 

“Do you remember going back with Stacy early from the beach?”

 

Sara took a bit to respond. I watched her innocent face as she thought long and hard as to what she did remember. She was trying.

 

“No…I don’t know,” her voice was on edge. “I remember you both fighting…I remember getting mad at you. And she got hurt, didn’t she?”

 

Sara was almost lethargic as she spoke, dragging her words out and taking her time to respond as she tried her best to recollect last night’s happenings.

 

“And then I offered to take her back, right?” Sara recalled, but needed validation.

 

“Yes, baby. What else do you remember?”

 

“Why do you say it like that, Tegan? What happened after?” Panic in her questioning.

 

Sara moved her hair over to one side and revealing the skin on her neck. She was covered in hickeys from last night.

 

I choked out a pained mewl once she exposed them and pulled her close to me again. I couldn’t stall much longer; I had to tell her but I had no idea how.

 

“Tegan,” Sara shouted in a quiet and agitated voice, still weak from the drug. “Did something bad happen?”

 

She could feel me shaking my head up and down as I pushed my face into hers, stroking the hickeys that she left on her neck. “You went with Stacy to her room, but you didn’t understand what was happening…and I had to come get you. She put something in your drink, sweetheart. You’re okay now, you’re safe; please know that. I didn’t come to get you in time. I’m _so_ sorry, Sara.”

 

I waited for her to take in what I had just said; I didn’t need to say any more for her to understand. She tried to get the words out, but I could tell she wanted me to just say it.

 

“She took advantage of you, baby. You won’t remember anything because you were out of it.”

 

“No,” Sara squeezed me hard and I could feel her denial. “Are you trying to say she…”

 

“You didn’t even know it was wrong, baby. That’s how drugged you were. You opened the door to me half-naked and you didn’t understand what was happening.”

 

“I let it happen?” Her voice cracked and there was fear in her tone.

 

“Baby, you had no idea what was going on. It wasn’t your fault,” I tried my best to calm her down; I knew she would blame herself like that.

 

“She drugged me on purpose?” Sara asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I had sex with her?” She asked with a crack in her voice, mortified.

 

“You didn’t consent to it, sweetie.”

 

“Yes I did! Why did I do that? How can someone be so drugged that they can’t comprehend that _that_ is happening? How could I let her do that to me? Why didn’t I stop it?” She was starting to break down and I didn’t want to let her do that.

 

“Sara, stop! Don’t do that to yourself. None of this was your fault! Do you understand that, baby?”

 

“No, I didn’t listen to you! I should have listened to you; I should have trusted you! You weren’t being jealous, were you? You were trying to tell me what she wanted from me the whole time!” Sara kept her head down into my chest and I hadn’t seen her face since I told her what happened. I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt. “Why would she do that to me, Tee?”

 

I decided it was for the better not to tell her about Lindsey; it was too much for her to hear in the morning.

 

“You didn’t know, sweetheart. She’s not a good person anymore.”

 

It could have been so much worse.

 

Sara became hysterical and Emy had just finished showering. The bathroom went quiet and I knew she was listening in on Sara and I. Sara gripped my shoulders with all the upset she had built up in her body, almost hurting me, but I let her take it out that way.

 

“I only want you to see my body, Tee.”

 

“I know, baby. I’m so fucking sorry; I should have trusted my gut and never let you go.”

 

“I feel so desecrated. I can smell her on my skin,” she choked out and started crying.

 

I couldn’t tell her to calm down, although I wanted to. I hated Stacy just as much as Sara did right now. I remember how it felt when both Lindsey and Stacy did that to me; I felt so insignificant and like I was just an object to them and my feelings were never even considered. It hurt so excruciatingly bad.

 

“I’m gonna get you showered, Sare. Emy’s just finishing up.”

 

“Emy’s here?” I forgot that Sara wouldn’t have remembered that.

 

“Yeah. I was scared to be alone with you while you were unconscious, so she stayed and helped me take care of you last night,” I said as I massaged my hands down her waist.

 

“She did?” Sara’s eyes widened; for once this morning I saw happiness on her face.

 

“Hi, Sara.” Emy did her best not to startle her as she came up from behind her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

 

“Emy, you stayed with Tegan last night?” Sara had more tears readying from her deep brown orbs as she looked at Emy.

 

“I did, Tegan was really worried and I couldn’t leave you like that. We made sure you were okay.” Emy smiled at Sara, but there was a tinge of hurt in her expression, too.

 

Sara let fresh tears run down her face, indebted at the realization of Emy’s no-matter-what friendship. “Thank you, I love you. Thank you for not leaving me and for taking care of me when I had no idea what was happening. That’s what scares me the most.”

 

“You know we’d do anything for you, Sare. Of course I’d stay here; there was no question about it. But Tegan stayed up with you all night.”

 

I realized then and there what a good friend Emy is. She’s still so in love with Sara, and theoretically she could have done what Stacy just did to her. Emy was the type that would rather have a friendship with Sara than nothing at all; she always put Sara’s feelings and what’s best for her first.

 

She was so selfless and Sara saw that.

 

“I’m so lucky you’re in my life. I’d do anything for you,” Sara extoled.

 

Emy smiled and squeezed Sara’s hand. “Tegan and I are just happy you’re awake and healthy. It could have been so much worse.”

 

“Mhm,” Sara became small as the possibilities of what could have been ran through her mind.

 

“I’m gonna let you guys have your morning and so you can take care of her, Tee. Let’s meet up for lunch today. If you’re up for that, Sare?”

 

“I’ll try to be.”

 

“I’ll get you better, baby,” I kissed her on the nose and tried to turn around the tone of the situation. I know Sara, this isn’t going to be easy for her to heal from but I was going to do my very damn best. This situation is hitting me just as hard as it is for her.

 

“I’ll see you guys then. Tegan loves you so much, Sare. You’re going to get through this with her. You’re both so lucky to have each other.”

 

“I never take it for granted, nor our friendship. I’ll get through this; I’ll toughen up,” Sara tried to let out a smile. “See you soon.”

 

Sara got up off of me and sat on the bed while I walked Emy out. She was so small sitting there with her knees pulled into her chest. She barely looked at me as I walked back over to her. I held out my hands in hopes that she would look up and take them into hers.

 

She kept her gaze down onto her body. I watched her tears fall onto her bare legs and I didn’t know how to comfort her. I wish I could make it go away.

 

“My lips are swollen. My legs hurt. I feel sick. I don’t remember a damned thing,” she still didn’t look at me. I don’t know if I could handle seeing her broken face right now.

 

I had to take care of her.

 

“Sare…” I brushed her hand gently and she was reluctant to hold it. “Let’s get you into the shower.”

 

“I don’t want to,” she cried.

 

I knew the feeling. After Lindsey had raped me I didn’t want to look at my body ever again. It reminded me of the object that I was to her, and to Stacy. I had felt so used and useless after that, like my feelings and the fact that I was a human being never once crossed their mind when she humiliated me like that.

 

But Sara was right, she had an unfamiliar scent on her that was definitely Stacy—and the most disgusting part is that it wasn’t even really her. It was _my_ ex-girlfriend. It wasn’t enough for her to hurt me to try and break up Sara and I; she had to come back and hurt Sara, too.

 

Mission accomplished, Lindsey. She’s fucking traumatized.

 

“I know you don’t, but you need to get cleaned up.”

 

“Tegan, please no. I don’t want to look at my body right now.”

 

“I’ve been through this, Sara. Trust me, you need to, and you’ll feel better. I’m here with you,” I tried my best and it wasn’t enough. This was hard. I tugged her slightly to bring her over to the bathroom and she didn’t take it well at all.

 

“No, I’m staying here, Tee!” She cried harder and started to scream at me.

 

She was going to hate me.

 

I picked her up while she was still refusing to listen to me, but I knew it was for her own good. I scooped her up, one arm on the insides of her knees and the other holding her back. Her tears instantly soaked my shirt as she bawled against my chest and pushed her fists into my shoulders. “Tegan, I said I don’t want to! Let go of me!”

 

Her pained shrieks broke my heart a bit and I was constantly apologizing for her hysteria. “I’m so sorry, Sare. I’m so sorry.” I carried her into the bathroom and sat her onto the countertop, holding her body still until she was calm.

 

I didn’t say a word and hugged her until her body toned down to slight jerks and muted sobs. “It’ll be quick, Sare, I promise—five minutes tops. Can you do that? I promise you’ll feel a little bit better.”

 

Sara didn’t say anything. Her face was still pressed against my shirt; I ran my fingers through her hair and wiped her tears. “It’s going to be okay.”

 

“How can you say that?”

 

I lifted her chin up and kissed her delicately on her forehead, sweeping her bangs away from her face. “I’ll always have you. I’m always going to take care of you, Sare. We will always have each other, even on the worst of days.”

 

She pursed her lips and nodded, letting me wipe away more of her tears.

 

“Like it or not,” I added, smiling at her.

 

Sara didn’t say anything, but I know that made her think. Today was definitely classified as ‘the worst of days’. I would always say that to her, that I wanted everything, and she knew today that I meant it. She knew we always had each other and didn’t take that for granted.

 

“Can I take this off, Sara?” I asked as I slowly lifted up her shirt, waiting for her to answer.

 

She bit her lip and looked scared.

 

“It’s just me, Sare. It’s just us. Do you trust me?”

 

Sara put her fear aside and unwillingly lifted her arms ever so slightly. I put her shirt to the side of the counter and hugged her so she could feel my body heat.

 

“Is this okay?” I asked, letting her adjust to being half-naked before I fully undressed her. Sara gave me the gentlest kiss on my shoulder as she nodded. I picked her up off the countertop so that she was standing. I didn’t want her to look into the mirror; her hickeys were on her chest, neck and shoulders. She definitely noticed a few of them and I bet that’s what made her cry.

 

I kissed her hipbones as I slipped off her shorts. Even in the new clothes I gave her, I could still smell last night on her skin. She could, too.

 

I could feel her nervous energy. And to be honest, seeing her body hurt me a little, too. Lindsey didn’t deserve to see her like that or abuse her body the way she did.

 

“Your body is so beautiful, Sare.” I held her fragile hand and kissed her hips to her stomach. I used my other hand to run the water in the shower, eventually finding a comfortable temperature for her. She listened to me as she watched the running water, nervous.

 

“The temperature’s perfect, Sare. Get in.” I kept holding her hand and brought her closer, “Just wash your hair, your face and your body. And brush your teeth—you got nauseous last night. I’ll just be out here, okay?”

 

My god she was so quiet right now and it was killing me. She was listening to me, though; I’ll give her that. She stepped into the shower and left the sliding glass door open slightly. I gave her the space and privacy she needed, but I could see her looking over at me from the corner of my eye as I sat on the countertop.

 

I grabbed a warm towel from the closet ready for her when she turned off the water. “Here, sweetheart,” I handed it to her and watched her drying every inch of her body, starting with her damp hair to her soaked feet.

 

“Do you feel a _little_ better?” I asked as I gave her a big squeeze in her towel.

 

“Maybe a little,” she responded shyly.

 

“You smell like you again, here I brought you some clothes, Sare—your favourites.” I brought her favourite outfits; I hoped the little things I did for her would add up and she would be a little cheered up and distracted from the situation. I watched her dress herself after she moisturized her face and body. I handed her the hair dryer and brushed my palms against her skin next to her as she dried her hair.

 

“Come, let’s cuddle,” I proposed as I put the dryer down on the counter and out from her hands. She looked at me as I walked and didn’t follow. “Sare, come!” I was impatient and picked her up again, listening to her innocent, shrill shriek as I kissed her warm face. I brought her over to the huge bed, hugging her and letting her be the protected little spoon.

 

“Is this too much, do you want me to give you some space?” I asked as I continued to press my lips against her cheeks. I could feel her smiling so faintly as I kissed them.

 

“No, this feels good.” Sara squeezed my hand, “I like the way you smell, Tee.”

 

“Yeah?” It made me happy that she was talking, or rambling, even though I knew why she brought it up. I could barely smell Stacy on her anymore, though.

 

“Yeah,” she caressed her shaky fingertips against my knuckles. “It’s home to me; it’s familiar. It makes me happy. Comfortable. Even when you’re gone, I still have your scent on my clothes. That’s why I love borrowing your shirts; they smell so good. They remind me of you. The thought of you makes me smile.”

 

“Oh,” she always made me smile when she said things like that out of the blue. She always knew how to warm my heart and I don’t even think she tries. “I’m glad I can make you smile, Sare. You’re a hundred times more beautiful when you smile. And just when I thought that was impossible, you proved me wrong.”

 

I finally got a small giggle out of her, more so because what I said was so cheesy and we both knew it. She made me say things like that sometimes—well, a lot.

 

“Okay, that was corny. Noted,” I rolled my eyes and smiled out of embarrassment. “Lay on your stomach, baby.”

 

Sara did as I asked, resting her face over crossed arms on the pillow. I straddled my legs around her waist and started massaging her shoulders.

 

“Is that relaxing, does that feel good?” I asked, concern in my voice. I was willing to do anything right now to make her feel better.

 

“Mhm,” Sara breathed.

 

“Feel free to fall back asleep, Sare. I want you to get as much rest as possible. Thank god today’s another day of nothing.” I couldn’t imagine Sara having to get ready for a show tonight. Thank. God.

 

“What about Emy?”

 

“Don’t worry, she’ll understand. We can spend the day together if you want. I’m all yours; whatever you want to do, my love.”

 

“You’re the best, Tee.” Sara’s cheek was against the pillow and I leaned in to kiss her. “How do you not hate me right now?”

 

“Sara, don’t be stupid.”

 

“What? You have every right to.”

 

I groaned as I worked my way down her back. “Sara, no I don’t. You didn’t know she had bad intentions. I mean, you would have known if you’d just listened to me…”

 

“I know! And why didn’t I? You always pick up on people’s energies. You’re my other half. You were only looking out for me. How could I be so naïve?” I could hear her voice thicken and I didn’t want her to cry again.

 

“Sare, Sare, it’s okay. Please don’t cry, sweetheart.” I brushed her hair behind her ear and out of her face; I wanted to see her.

 

“So you don’t hate me?” Sara asked me and was dead serious.

 

“Sara, you’ve got to be kidding me…”

 

“I slept with someone, Tee! I cheated!”

 

“No, baby. That’s the most terrible logic I’ve ever heard escape those lips. You didn’t cheat; far from it. You just trusted someone you shouldn’t have. And that changes nothing between _us_ , Sara. I still love you exactly the same. I hope you can see just how much I love you and always will.”

 

Sara didn’t respond.

 

“Do you?” The fervor was seeping into my voice.

 

“I do see it. I do know you love me, Tee,” she finally admitted.

 

“Good,” I kissed the sensitive spot on her ear. “I’ll never let you forget it.”

 

She made a sweet coo as my lips touched her. “Good,” she spoke lightly through an innocent smile. The sound of Sara’s breathing filled the room as I massaged her exhausted body. She was so fragile and small right now.

 

I listened to her as each breath grew heavier and deeper. She sounded like she was going to fall asleep. And considering how much she cried, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. Her sleepy hums mixed in with the delicate rise and fall of her chest brought me some peace of mind. She made me smile when she was soothed.

 

“I love you,” she mumbled so lazily that I was lucky to even understand her.

 

“I love you, too, beautiful. Get some sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake.”

 

 

 


	55. Pathos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the lovely peeps following me on tumblr, I wrote that I'd post this in two but I decided to make this chapter long. It didn't feel that long to me. This one took so long, I apologize. It was percolating. Lol, I literally added a bit every night. Already working on the next chapter, enjoy :-)

**Sara**

Tegan’s hands felt good on me and calmed me a bit, but I couldn’t escape the fact that my body just felt so disgusting with what had happened to me last night. It terrified me to do it, but she was right—taking a hot shower did make me feel a little less sick.

 

She didn’t want us to spend all day in bed, but here we are. At least for the morning, though, I think I need this—just her and I and nothing else. My eyelids were getting heavier and heavier by the second and her touch was so soothing. I had cried so much this morning that I wanted nothing else but just to fall asleep with her. And with her massaging me along with the state I was in, that was inevitable.

 

As I drifted in and out of sleep I could still feel Tegan’s thighs hugging my waist while she continued to knead up and down my body. I couldn’t help myself as I exhaled relaxed hums and moans. I never thought I would say this but she helped get my mind off of the unbearable. And I’d love her forever for caring so much to do that.

 

Dozed, I checked my phone and two hours had passed. Tegan had fallen asleep on top of me and I was still on my stomach with my arms crossed overhead. I was quite comfy and I could tell so was she, despite the strange way her body was situated. I bet she fell asleep trying to stay up and massage me. She’s the sweetest sister I could ever ask for.

 

“I love you, Tee.” Her hand was placed tiresomely at my shoulder from when she had fallen asleep and I brought it to my mouth to kiss.

 

“I love you, too,” she mumbled adorably that I could barely make out the words. She continued to slur and I swear she said something along the lines of ‘does that feel good?’ She must still think she’s massaging me—that made me giggle a little.

 

“Mmm, yes, that’s so good, Tee,” I played along.

 

“Hmm?” She mumbled against my ear, passed out with her mouth open. God she’s adorable when she’s sleeping. My body shook as I laughed maybe a little louder than I wanted, startling her slightly.

 

“What?” Tegan flinched and wiped the sleep out from her eyes. “Oh Sare, did I fall asleep?”

 

I turned around so we were chest-to-chest and facing each other. “Mhm, so did I.”

 

“Oh, was it good?” She looked into my eyes, hoping I was a little better than before as she ran her fingers through my bangs.

 

“Yes,” I smiled, holding her arm as she caressed me.

 

“Good.” Her eyes lingered at my lips, teasing me and making me impatient. She looked into my eyes as a means of permission, but I never felt like an object to Tegan if that’s what she was thinking about. I always wanted to kiss her. I inched my face closer to hers, letting her know I wanted to. She sucked my lower lip into her mouth and it felt so good.

 

“This okay?” Tegan asked as she lost contact on my mouth and finding it again before she could get my verbal consent.

 

“Mhm,” I tried to mouth a response but her teeth were gently pulling my lower lip. Her lips felt good on mine and she could read me so well; she knew how much I loved this. She held my face and kissed me all over: my forehead, my cheeks and my temples until she had me giggling from her smothering me.

 

“My favourite laugh,” I could feel Tegan’s smile as her lips brushed mine.

 

She kept kissing me shamelessly all over even when I playfully pushed her off of me and moved my face away from hers. “Your favourite person to bedevil, too, huh?”

 

“Exactly.” Tegan held my cheek with one hand so I could no longer avoid her, kissing me on the mouth. “Why don’t you just say ‘annoy’, Sare? Why do you have to be so unnecessary?”

 

“ _You’re_ unnecessary.”

 

“You know, I think I liked you better when you were asleep,” Tegan quipped.

 

“My apologies for waking up,” I rolled my eyes.

 

“It’s okay,” Tegan smiled like a dork and clasped my hand into hers. “So…” she joked and raised her eyebrows suggestively.

 

“What?” I continued to respond in my mockingly annoyed tone.

 

“How are you feeling? You wanna stay in bed all day? You wanna go have lunch with everyone? Want some time alone? Maybe…I can take you out on a date?”

 

She was rambling. I tried not to smile, but I couldn’t help it. And I’m sure I was blushing, too. “You want to take me out on a date?”

 

“Yeah…we can watch a movie in the room, and then we can go somewhere pretty at night? I took some pictures of the sun set for you…it’s beautiful, but I want you to see for yourself. You know…with me…of course.” Tegan seemed nervous asking me and I thought it was the sweetest thing. There’s nothing that would make me happier than to do all that with her today.

 

“Okay,” I smiled. “What do you want to watch?”

 

“You pick.”

 

“How about Paranormal Activity?”

 

I could tell Tegan was in thought before she responded. “No.”

 

“The Exorcist?”

 

“No.”

 

“What? Tee, you love scary movies! Don’t you want me to get all scared and hold your hand?” I joked and cuddled into her.

 

“Maybe not today,” Tegan looked anxious, like she was trying to repress a bad memory. I guess I wasn’t the only one on edge today. “How about a different genre: comedy, romance?”

 

“ _Romance?_ You want to watch _The Notebook_ or something?” I responded sarcastically.

 

Tegan looked pleased with my suggestion and raised a brow. “Yeah.”

 

“I was kidding!”

 

“I’ve never seen it before,” she was actually being serious.

 

“Oh my god, Tee. You already know how it ends; they both die in their sleep! You’re just gonna cry, you always cry at this stuff. You’re such a sap.”

 

“Hey, no I won’t! And sorry I have a heart, unlike _you_ ,” she disputed.

 

“Okay _fine._ It’s settled, so much for my pick. God forbid we watch a horror film,” I complained with a hint of sarcasm.

 

“Thank you,” Tegan smiled cutely as I got up to see if the hotel television had The Notebook, which of course they did.

 

Tegan pulled the couch over, along with the coffee table to rest our feet, in front of the screen. I took the blankets off of the bed and grabbed us each some water and a bowl of chips. The last time we had watched a movie together was when she put on Hotel New Hampshire.

 

I won’t fall asleep on her this time.

 

I really like this—just her and I relaxing and none of the world. No sex, just comfy with each other. I smiled at Tegan and waited for her to join me on the couch, snuggled up in the warm blanket already.

 

Tegan smiled at me suspiciously since I never have such a big smile on my face when it comes to her. Usually I hide it and go about acting like I’m not impressed; that’s about as far as I go for affection.

 

She pulled the blanket from me as she plopped down onto the sofa and I kept it hugged in my arms. I let out another smile as neither of us said a word and fought for the blanket.

 

“Sara! You’re such a nuisance! Give me some of the blanket, I’m cold!” She broke the silence.

 

Tegan pulled hard with all her force, knowing that she was the stronger one out of the two of us. She was adorable with that frustrated look on her face and I decided to let go while she was in mid-pull. I tried to hold in a snicker watching her body fling back against the armrest and taking the blanket with her.

 

“There ya go,” I giggled as she lay on her back, looking at me like I was the biggest pain in the world. Despite her scornful gaze, I crawled up overtop of her and gave her a kiss.

 

“Oh no you don’t, you’re staying right there.” Tegan pushed me off of her and sat me back down, blanket-less this time.

 

“Tee, it’s starting! Quit playing around.” She laughed as I said that, snatching half of the blanket away from her. I cuddled up next to her and rested my head on her shoulder, kissing her cheek. Tegan let out a sigh and smiled. Thank god she thought I was cute when I was being weird like this.

 

“What?” She looked over to me as I smiled at her with begging eyes. She had her legs up on the coffee table and I wanted to lay mine on her. I slowly inched them over to her lap and she quickly knew what I wanted. “Come closer, baby,” Tegan scooped me up by the insides of my knees, turning my chest to face her. It felt so good to be so close to her watching such a corny romance film.

 

“Are you comfy, Tee?”

 

“Yep, are you?”

 

“Always,” I smiled at her and kissed her cheek.

 

Tegan had one arm around me and the other caressed my legs under the blanket. She was immediately glued to the movie; that was the hopeless romantic in her. I could see her looking back at me to make sure I was into it too, and that my mind wasn’t hung up on the obvious.

 

But Tegan is good at distracting me.

 

“Is that yours or mine?” Tegan asked.

 

“Hmm?” I hummed as Tegan’s nodded her head to the ringing phone on the bed behind me.

 

“Oh! Yours. Let me get it for you.” I stayed on the couch and leaned over to the bed to grab the phone that was barely within reach. Tegan held the backs of my legs so I wouldn’t fall over and I could feel her eyes staring at my butt. Let’s be honest, though, I meant to do that.

 

“It’s mom,” I saw the phone flash her name as I could finally grab it. I don’t know how much I wanted to update her on what’s been going on right now. Well, it was just a phone call rather than her usual video call.

 

“Answer it,” Tegan mouthed as she pulled me back onto the couch, keeping her hands on my thighs to relax me. She knew I didn’t really know what to say to her right now.

 

“Hi, mom.” I smiled as I answered the phone; I was excited to hear her voice.

 

“Oh, Sara, hi! Is Tegan with you?” She seemed pleasantly surprised to hear my voice, too, probably since she was expecting Tegan.

 

“Yeah, we’re just having a winding down kind of day.”

 

“How’s Amsterdam?”

 

“We love it here, it’s very beautiful. I think we’re going to go out tonight and check it out a bit more.” I left out the fact that Tegan was taking me out on a date and I had no idea where and what we were going to do.

 

“I can’t wait to see pictures, baby.”

 

“I’ll take lots,” I smiled through the phone.

 

“Hi mom!” Tegan grabbed the phone from me before I could say goodbye to mom. “I’m good…I miss you, too,” I could only hear what Tegan was saying now. “We’re just watching The Notebook,” Tegan made a snickering face at me as soon as she said that to her. Ugh, real subtle Tegan. Watching a romance alone with your sister on a day off—super normal, right? Whatever—the worst has already happened. “I’m making her watch it with me ‘cause I’ve never seen it…they’re so cute together!”

 

“Um, yeah.” Tegan’s tone changed and she looked at me as she listened to mom. I couldn’t make anything out on her end, though. I assumed she was asking about me; the last time she had seen me, she knew I wasn’t handling her finding out about Tegan and I all that well. “She is.”

 

If only she knew about what had happened to me now—or about Lindsey’s death—or the fact that it happened that night at the cottage. I have no idea what she would do if she found out about it. If only she were knowledgeable about how to use social media, then maybe she would have known. Mom wasn’t all that fond of Lindsey either; she liked her, but always thought she was a bit too much for Tegan and that she’d break her heart someday.

 

A mother’s instinct, I guess.

 

“I will,” Tegan continued, letting mom speak the majority of the phone call. I wanted to be nosy, especially since Tegan’s reactions made it obvious it was about me. “Okay. Bye mom, I love you too.”

 

Tegan put down the phone and threw it back over to the bed. “What did she say, Tee?” I asked, cuddling back into her as she pulled my legs up to where they were before.

 

“She wanted to know if you were doing okay since we last saw her,” Tegan responded truthfully, hurt on her face since she knew the true answer. “And she wanted to make sure we’re taking care of each other.”

 

“You mean if _you’re_ taking care of _me,”_ I corrected her. It wasn’t a secret that I was the weaker of the two of us.

 

“Well, yeah.” Tegan took my hand and felt bad for bending the truth to ‘protect’ me, “But you remember how she saw you last, Sare. You weren’t handling it well.”

 

“Yeah, it’s okay. I know.” It really was okay, I know mom was asking because she loves me and I know Tegan’s stronger than me. I loved that about her; I admired her for that and I learned from her strengths. She’s already been through someone taking advantage of her, but by Lindsey _and_ Stacy, and she rationalized it so well. The fact that she was here being patient with me and getting through it with me meant so much. “Do you like the movie so far?” I asked, changing the subject.

 

“Mhm, Allie’s real stubborn,” Tegan observed as she pinched my waist. “Kinda like you.”

 

“Hey! Well you’re…” I tried to respond back with something witty but failed. “Noah’s adorable and sweet so I can’t say anything.”

 

“Like me,” Tegan smirked.

 

“Oh, yeah,” I rolled my eyes and dropped my head onto her shoulder. “And he’s a hopeless romantic, too.”

 

“So you’re Allie and I’m Noah.”

 

“Why am I Allie?” I defended; I could tell Tegan had something to say to elabourate. Something snide.

 

“Well Sara, my beautiful Sara.” Tegan got ready to make a smart comment at me; I knew that tone. “You were well brought-up; you’re so much more proper than me and you know it. You keep to yourself, you’re quite the prude—”

 

“We have the _same_ mom how am I well brought-up and you’re not?! And I am _not_ a prude!” I shot my arms up and ready to hit Tegan, but she knew me well enough to grab my wrists and hug them into her chest.

 

“Don’t lie to yourself, Sare, we’ve been over this. And you love to start fights over nothing, just like Allie,” she giggled.

 

“No, that’s you!”

 

“Mmm, nah.” Tegan smiled and shook her head, doing that twitch thing she does with her mouth. Pfft, she totally loved getting a rise out of me.

 

“Mmm, yes!” I mocked an octave higher than my usual voice, pushing her as I climbed on top of her. She pulled me close to her and I wrestled against her grip as she tried to kiss me. “Nope!” I shrieked playfully when she pressed my hips into hers and inching her face to mine to kiss me. Her exhales of laughter tickled my lips and she paused once they touched.

 

“Remember when I held you like this?” She looked into my eyes, “When we had our first kiss…in Verona by the pier?”

 

“Mhm,” I breathed, straddling my legs around Tegan’s waist. “How could I forget that? I was so nervous.”

 

“Yeah, you were.” She smiled, caressing her hands down my body and lingering them at my hips.

 

Tegan didn’t say anything else when I thought she was going to, she just held me and stayed in the moment. The way she was holding me reminded me exactly of when she kissed me for the first time at the pier even before she said it. She sure knew how to change the mood from lighthearted and playful to ardor and zeal.

 

My heart started beating faster and I knew she could feel it.

 

“Like now.”

 

“What?” I exhaled, almost at a loss for breath.

 

“You’re nervous,” she noted.

 

I swallowed hard and tried to breathe again; I didn’t say anything to her observation. She was good.

 

She giggled at my shyness, placing a soft kiss on my bottom lip. She took my unsteady hands and played with my fingers, putting them on her waist and hers to hold my face.

 

“Sara, breathe; you’re making _me_ nervous now.”

 

I listened to her and took a deep breath. I had butterflies that wouldn’t go away at the thought of that day. “Sorry.”

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

I responded with a faint nod; my brain wasn’t telling me to speak. Maybe I was dehydrated from last night.

 

Tegan asserted as she pulled my lower lip with her thumb; she could feel that I was tense so she kept me close into her warm body. Her lips were soft and I knew I couldn’t kiss her just once.

 

“What’s wrong?” She pulled out of the kiss and looked at me with concern in her depths.

 

“Nothing,” my voice cracked.

 

“Nothing? _”_ Tegan emphasized as she played with me, “When you say it’s nothing, it’s never _nothing_ , Sare.”

 

“You just do make me nervous sometimes,” I admitted, cutting her off before she could continue. As soon as I said that, I saw a smile grow on Tegan’s face—great.

 

“I make you nervous?” She raised her brows and bit her lip; this was another opportunity for her to milk it.

 

“Tee, I just told you—”

 

“I do?” She raised the pitch in her voice an octave and was obviously flattered, but Tegan was never one to be just modest about it.

 

“Yes! Are you happy?” I yelled at her impatiently, answering once again. Before I could finish my thought, she had the most childlike giggle and pressed my back down onto the couch so that she was on top of me.

 

“Tegan!” I shouted as she continued to taunt me. She kissed my neck and tickled me at my waist and it was unbearable.

 

“I make you nervous,” she taunted and teased again as if it weren’t said enough already. “That’s adorable, Sare.”

 

“Tee! Stop! I hate you so much right now!” She didn’t take me seriously; she rarely does and of course I said it with laughter. My neck was ticklish as she kissed me there, too. I used all the grip I had to try and push her off, but her fluffed ego made her stronger than me.

 

“Why do I make you nervous, Sare, huh?” She continued to pester me with the biggest grin on her face, pinning my hands over my head.

 

“You just do, okay?” I squealed, wanting her so badly to leave me alone. She started kissing my cheek just at the corner of my mouth; she could feel my body shaking and cheeks getting sore from laughing so hard from her tickling me. “Now get off me!”

 

“But Sare! You didn’t answer my question!” She whined like a needy five-year-old.

 

“I’m not answering your stupid question!” I tried to unpin my wrists but she had such a good grip on them.

 

“If you do, I’ll stop,” she negotiated with me as she kept one hand above my head and the other on my ribs.

 

“Tee, I don’t have an answer! Maybe it’s just the butterflies.”

 

She stopped tickling me and looked at me with a bemused expression like she didn’t expect me to say that. “You get butterflies?”

 

“Yes,” I thought that was stating the obvious.

 

Tegan tried to hold in a smile as she blushed but then let her walls down. She looked so cute with the corners of her mouth stretched from ear to ear, love-struck in her deep brown eyes.

 

“Me, too.”

 

She was too smitten by my comment to realize I wasn’t smiling back at her. I was too busy getting ready to take advantage of her vulnerability. I was so fucking glad she stopped, my god she knows how to annoy me. Don’t get me wrong—I do love her playing around with me like that. It’s very sweet and loving of her.

 

But I had the upper hand in her moment of weakness right now. I jolted up and grabbed her arms, catching her completely off guard and reflexes too slow to stop me. I flipped us over so that she was lying defenseless on her back. I sat on her hips just below her stomach and squeezed her sides, giggling.

 

Her body jolted as I tickled her and I could tell she wanted me to stop. “Hey, that’s not fair!”

 

“Yes it is! You started it!” Her sensitive spot was right at her stomach and I lifted her shirt to get a rise out of her more.

 

She tried to grab my arms and get me off of her, but her body was weak from my tickling her. “If you didn’t look so cute when you had your legs around me, I wouldn’t have felt the need to jump on you and taunt you. So you started it, if we’re being technical here,” Tegan justified.

 

“Oh, that’s sweet, but I’m not falling for that.”

 

She went from trying to push me off to pulling me close now. My arms fell to her sides and my chest onto hers as she tugged me by the waist to come closer to her. “Just come here, baby.” I didn’t fall for the first one, but if this was another trick of hers, I fell for it hard.

 

Butterflies again—she does that to me.

 

Tegan put her hand to my chest just where I felt them. My heart felt so light and tingly as she touched me; God I’m such a sucker for her. I let her kiss me and I decided to stop fighting her; I was head over heels with the way she held me and loved me so sweetly.

 

“I like the way your lips taste, Tee,” I breathed vulnerably and she smiled off guard again, letting out a bashful laugh.

 

“Okay, Sare. Quit trying to sweet talk me. Let me watch the movie.” She started to lift my body and move me off her.

 

“Hey!”

 

Tegan snickered as she pulled me back into her tighter than before, kissing my lips irrepressibly. “I’m kidding baby, but can you stop being so adorable so I _can_ watch the movie, though? My god, you’re too distracting!” She ran her hands up and down my thighs, eyeing my body to my flattered face.

 

She turned her face to the television screen and I kissed her warm cheeks. “Never,” I smiled against her face. She kissed my lips one last time and wrapped her arm around me and wrapped us in the blanket. I was so comfortable I could fall asleep; Tegan was pretty into the movie, being the romantic that she is.

 

I couldn’t help but doze off, though, with her chest rising and falling and the rhythm of her heartbeat in my ear and her cute running commentary. It was so relaxing. I listened to her yapping while I was in and out of sleep.

 

“Why is she with Lon? She can’t be with him! Go back to Noah, Allie! Go back to him! Noah loves you, Noah’s crazy about you! Lon’s just a safety net, you’ll never have with him what you had with Noah!”

 

I smiled to myself at her words; it didn’t even bother her that I probably wasn’t even listening. She just kept going.

 

“That’s so cute he’s telling her their love story. Would you do that for me, Sare? Would you visit me in a home when I’m old? Oh man, imagine I didn’t remember you? Well I guess I’d remember you, you’re my twin! I think I’d catch on. Wait! What if I didn’t remember we were in love? That would be hard for you to break it to me, huh? I wonder if I’d be down with that, you know, trying it out again. I’m sure I would…” I could feel her rub my shoulder as she spoke suggestively.

 

Oh, Tegan, you kill me.

 

“Oh my god, Allie! Don’t you see he loves you?! Three hundred and sixty five letters, oh my god! I would write you a letter every single day of my life, Sare. You’re a special one.” I could feel her caressing me again, causing me to make hums as I was just about asleep. Her sweet nothings just made it harder to stay awake as I lay against her.

 

“Oh my god, this sex scene. There’s so much passion between them. That’s just like us, huh Sare?”

 

“Hmmm,” I groaned unenthusiastically. We did have amazing sex, though. It was incredible. But I was more interested in sleeping than discussing that right now.

 

“Whoa, okay there, Sara,” Tegan sneered and massaged me again.

 

“They waited so long to sleep with each other, wow. Would you wait that long for me, Sara? Okay you’re sleeping, but you know what? I think you would. I think you love me that much.”

 

That made me smile—at least internally. She hit it right on the head. If I wasn’t waiting for her, I’d be spending my days with someone who wasn’t her. And that sounded redundant to me because I already found my soul mate. Nobody compares to Tegan. No one’s her, not even in the slightest.

 

I nodded with my face pushed up against her chest. I had my hand resting on her chest, too. As I lazily opened and closed my eyes as she spoke, I could see the ink on her arms that I adored so much, especially her _justify my love_ tattoo. I moved my hand over to hold her arm, gently squeezing her biceps. I watched her arm move as she caressed my body lovingly and her head turned to the screen.

 

I took in her familiar, sweet smell and finally I was sound asleep.

 

\--

 

“I was afraid you were never coming back,” I didn’t understand. I must have been having a dream.

 

“I'll always come back,” I could feel my hands resting on something, but I wasn’t sure what. I couldn’t tell myself to open my eyes; I was stuck in my mind that was creating this dream. It felt real though. Was someone talking to me? Who was talking to me?

 

“What's gonna happen when I can't remember anything any more? What will you do?” I could hear Tegan’s familiar breaths. Was _she_ talking to me?

 

“I'll be here. I'll never leave you.” I nodded my head. I didn’t feel my lips move but that’s exactly the response I had in my brain.

 

“Do you think that our love can create miracles?” Totally a question Tegan would ask.

 

“Yes, I do. That's what brings you back to me each time.” I nodded again and I could feel myself smiling.

 

“Do you think our love could take us away together?” That question was too early to ask, and I cringed. I don’t even want to think about that happening. Not yet.

 

“I think our love can do anything we want it to.” Regardless, that was true. Tegan and I’s love can do anything. We’ve already made it this far. The beginning is the hardest.

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you, Allie.” Huh?

 

“Good night.”

 

“Good night.”

 

I could feel someone holding on to me a little tighter and Tegan’s familiar cries were within earshot. I didn’t like hearing her cries; I didn’t like this dream anymore.

 

I moved around and I was on Tegan still, I could feel her body moving up and down as she cried. She’s actually crying; that wasn’t a dream.

 

Oh, _Allie_ , we’re still watching the movie! That makes sense now. Oh my imagination.

 

Tegan’s whimpers continued, worrying and waking me. Her tears hit my knuckles as my hands rested on her chest through my sleep. “Tee,” I spoke in a groggy voice as I opened my eyes slowly. “What’s wrong?”

 

I glanced up to the television and the movie was still on. There were Allie and Noah, laying side by side peacefully passed away in their sleep together as they held hands for the last time.

 

Ah, so that’s why Tegan was crying.

 

“He loved her so much,” I looked up at her glistening, tear-stained cheeks and tried to hide a giggle. This was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. “Their love took them away together.”

 

“Tee, baby, it’s o-kay.” My voice shook as I chuckled a bit, but trying keep sympathy in my voice.

 

“It’s so sad,” was all that she said through tears.

 

“I know, maybe I should have told you ahead of time.” Oh wait, I did. I decided to keep my mouth shut. “It’s okay; it’s just a movie, Tee.”

 

“But it happens! What if that’s us, Sare? What if I forget you and you have to read me the story of our love just to hope that I remember? What if we die like that?” Tegan went on; I really did feel bad, but she’s so adorable. And I never thought of this movie as a tearjerker.

 

I gave her my honest response.

 

“What if that _is_ us, Tee? I’d be grateful to have a story so beautiful about our love to tell you every single day. If we die like that, I’d die happy knowing that you were there from the beginning of my life to the end and that I spent every day in between with you. It’s not sad, Tee, it’s beautiful. Love like that doesn’t come around so often anymore. There are people who spend their entire lives trying to find what they have. And we have that. Their love did create miracles, and it did take them away together. What more could you ask out of love? And quit worrying about forgetting me, Tee! You can’t get rid of my that easily!” I gave her a playful kiss on the cheek, turning her face so I could kiss her on the lips in attempt to lighten the mood.

 

“Yeah, you’re right.” She said with a pout; she wasn’t convinced. She focused too much on the end of the movie, not the fact that they spent their lives in love and together.

 

“Come on, Tee. You know it’s true!” I kissed her tears away all over her face until I could feel her smiling cheeks. “Don’t you have a date to take me on? Where are you taking me, where are you taking me?!” I got excited; shaking her slightly once I was done overpowering her with affection.

 

“It’s a surprise.”

 

“I love surprises! Come, Tee, get up!” I gave her more kisses as I pulled her up off the couch and her tears were gone now. “I need to get ready! Give me a hint, what should I wear for our date?” I smiled as I said the word, holding onto her tight. This was my attempt at taking her away from her gloomy mood.

 

Tegan and tearjerkers clearly don’t mix.

 

“You look beautiful in that, Sare. Keep that on,” Tegan flattered me with her sincere words and serious expression.

 

“Oh. Thank you.”

 

“Maybe bring a sweater, it might get a little cold,” Tegan offered, caressing my hand as I stood up.

 

I held her hand and massaged my fingertips against her palm, looking at her broken expression turning to smitten as she began to smile hopelessly at me. “Okay,” I couldn’t help but smile back at her.

 

“Come on! Come on, Tee! Get up already! I shouted cutely at her and was impatient for her to take me out on this date. Excitement was filling my stomach and I couldn’t wait to see what she had planned for me.

 

“Okay, okay, I’m up. Tears are gone, happy?”

 

“You looked adorable, but yes.”

 

Tegan laughed at the pleasure I had from her misery and grabbed her wallet from her pocket. “You’re evil, Sare.” She opened the hotel room door and took my hand. “Come.”

 

Hand in hand, there was a little over two hours before the sunset. Tegan was leading the way and I had no idea where she was going, let alone how to navigate in the city of Amsterdam. Tegan let go of me when we walked onto a busy street, just to be on the safe side in case anyone recognized us. I saw her eyeing the outside of a picturesque restaurant; it looked like one of the nicer ones in the city.

 

“I saw this yesterday on the drive back to the hotel and I wanted to take you here. It’s beautiful, isn't it?”

 

“Yes,” I smiled as she held the big door open for me.

 

“Welcome. Table for two?” The hostess greeted us.

 

“Do you have any booths open?” Tegan asked, eyeing the solitary one in the corner.

 

“Of course, follow me.”

 

The hostess handed us our menus and informed us about the drink specials for the day, who our server was and that she hopes we enjoy our meals. You know, that usual thing.

 

Tegan watched as I grabbed the drink menu, reading it reluctantly. “Are you okay to share a bottle of wine with me, Sare?” She treaded lightly, knowing my perspective on alcohol tonight would be a little touchy.

 

I thought about that for a second; the fact that she asked me was really sweet on its own. She wasn’t going anywhere tonight; her intentions were good, as if I need to remind myself of the obvious. Tegan’s taking me out on a date and she’s taking care of me and regardless of what my stupid mind is telling me, I didn’t have to worry about _that_ tonight.

 

“Yes. I am,” I spoke with an innocent smile. Even though our booth was somewhat private, I brushed her hand against mine rather quickly. “Thank you, you’re really thoughtful.”

 

“Red or white?”

 

“Red. The fanciest one on the menu.”

 

“You mean the most _expensive?”_ Tegan corrected me.

 

“Yes,” I responded with a teasing giggle.

 

“Well, you’re worth every penny, my sweetest, most beautiful girl,” Tegan winked and snatched the drink menu from me. A loud gasp escaped from her mouth, “four-hundred-and-seventy-five fucking Euros?!”

 

“Am I, Tee? Am I worth every penny?” I wanted to be a bother tonight for some reason; I thought it was sort of cute. Ha!

 

“Am I getting the hottest, kinkiest sex of my life after this dinner?” Tegan quipped somewhat seriously.

 

“Probably not,” I responded truthfully.

 

Tegan made an adorable expression, pretended to be in thought long and hard while she bit her lip and slightly closed one eye. “Mmm, yeah I guess so,” she smiled with her head cocked to the side, making me blush.

 

“Technically, it’s _our_ money.” I reasoned, since our earnings are made together from playing shows and getting royalties.

 

“Just let me have this, Sare,” she teased. “I’m taking you out on a nice date, in a beautiful restaurant, and I’m getting you an expensive bottle of wine and not expecting anything in return. Okay?”

 

I pulled her chin with my index and thumb, giggling at her for being so adorable. “Okay.”

 

Our bottle came with two wine glasses and eventually our meals, too. Tegan poured me a glass and then hers and we toasted to the success of our shows so far, keeping the night on a positive note. Everything was beautiful and tasted delicious. The night was still young, but I was enjoying every minute. Most importantly, I was spending it with my sister, my best friend and my lover.

 

We discussed our day plan for tomorrow and how we had to be up somewhat early for it: packing, preparing, practicing and such. We would be in Berlin, Germany tomorrow and I was quite looking forward to visiting such a beautiful city. There was something I also enjoyed about sleeping on a tour bus…when Tegan wasn’t swaying me to have sex with her where the rest of them could hear. On second thought, maybe that time when Emy heard us left a bad taste of the tour bus in my mouth.

 

“Wanna go to a sex shop tomorrow before we leave?” I almost spilled my drink as she asked so nonchalantly.

 

“Are you crazy? No!”

 

“Oh come on, Sare! Why not?”

 

“With my sister? You must be out of your freaking mind!”

 

“Sisters do that.”

 

“Yep, out of your freaking mind,” I fixed, but I was curious. “Why, what did you want to get from there?”

 

“Not really anything specific yet, I wanted to ask you first. Whatever you’re comfortable with, I know you like kinky stuff, which I think is really fucking hot in case you couldn’t tell.” This was a serious conversation; contrary to the usual taunting comments Tegan would make bringing up my fetishes just for her enjoyment of making me uncomfortable.

 

“Yeah, I do like it.” Even though she wasn’t making jokes about it, I tried my best to be mature and not be embarrassed. I know what she would say if I did: _Relax, Sare_. Ugh, that drove me nuts as a private person. “And I could definitely tell you thought so,” I gave her a flirty smile. “Anything new you wanna try?”

 

“Handcuffs, blindfolds, restraints,” her voice was almost a whisper and my heart started pounding.

 

That sounded good to me.

 

“Yeah?” I licked my lips, getting turned on by her dominance.

 

“Tying you to the bed.”

 

“Mmm, yeah.”

 

“How about whips?”

 

“I’d never thought about that before,” her hands were more than enough to do something to me. “Maybe.”

 

“Ooh, I may have found your limit,” she winked suggestively.

 

“I’m not ruling it out, let’s see,” I played with my fork and knife and took a bite of my food. “Besides, I said you weren’t getting the hottest, kinkiest sex of your life after dinner.”

 

“Touché, but this is tomorrow,” she laughed. “I’m not assuming or prejudging or anything…and if you’re not, it’s cool…but I feel like you’d be into it,” Tegan went on about the thought of using whips.

 

“Maybe,” I agreed and listened as she kept talking. I knew she would.

 

“I like that about you, like, I _love_ that about you.” I didn’t look up, at this point she was just going to start rambling regardless of me listening or not. I could hear it in her voice; I knew what she was going to say _. Here we go_ , I thought to myself as I mentally roll my eyes. “You come off as such a private person, well, you are, but you know…you just seem like an innocent girl when it comes to the bedroom, but holy fuck,” she took a pause to let her thoughts sink in. “You’re so—”

 

“Tee! I know, shh! We’re at a restaurant, do you have any common sense?”

 

“Ouch,” Tegan crinkled her brows as she pretended to be offended. “Sasa can’t take a compliment—noted,” she said as she took another sip of the expensive wine.

 

“Shut up, you butt!” I giggled and nudged her, almost spilling her drink. “I accept your stupid compliment, okay? Just keep your voice down!” I whispered in paranoia that people could hear even though we were so far from everyone else. Tegan was getting a kick out of my reactions from what I could see.

 

“Okay, okay, fine I will,” she pushed my hand back to my side of the table and I wondered if we looked suspicious to anyone. “When are you gonna stop being so adorable?”

 

I ignored her comment and tried not to smile, keeping my face down and picking away at my food.

 

“Hey, beautiful?”

 

My ears perked up and I looked at her. It caught me off guard; even trying to ignore her, I naturally responded. “Hmm?”

 

“You’re blushing,” she smiled at me and so pleased with the fact that she could do that to me in an instant.

 

I shot my face back down and closed my eyes, pressing my lips. Why was I such an easy target? And who was I kidding, I couldn’t hold in a smile when I’m around her.

 

“It’s the wine,” I responded quickly to defend myself. And why I still do that when she very well knows I’m head over heels for her I don’t know.

 

“Okay, the wine,” she repeated, going along with my lie as she sipped from her glass again. I could see her smiling at my from the corner of my eye and it warmed my stomach.

 

“Anyway,” I filled the silence that she purposely caused, “I could be into it.”

 

“I mean, you liked the clamps.”

 

“Mhm. I did,” I took a sip from my glass. “Want some more wine?”

 

“I’m glad you love me enough to help me finish this bottle.”

 

“It’s delicious,” I smiled. “I like this place.”

 

“Hey, you know what we’ve never done?”

 

“What’s that, Tee?” I asked as I poured her another glass, and then myself.

 

“Angry sex,” she spoke casually again.

 

“Oh,” that would be hot. “Well, I’ve haven’t been that angry at you to—”

 

“Pfft! Yes you have!”

 

“Okay, well, yes,” I corrected myself. “I don’t understand angry sex—how would that happen? I mean, I get make up sex…”

 

“I’m sure one day I’ll make you mad enough and it’ll happen.”

 

“Hope so,” I tried to sound sexy, but I ended up letting out a high-pitched giggle. Ugh, one day.

 

Tegan and I were about done our dinner and the bottle and we continued to talk about sex and new things we wanted to try together. I liked that she made me feel comfortable to talk about this with her. And I couldn’t hide it, this conversation had me extremely aroused and she knew it. We kept the night on a romantic level, though, despite that.

 

I thought it was better that way, too.

 

She asked for the bill once she checked her watch and got anxious, hurrying us out the door within five minutes flat. I followed her lead as she speed-walked to somewhere I didn’t know, but she looked like she knew exactly where she was headed.

 

“Tee, Tee! Thank you for dinner; you’re the sweetest! Why are we walking so fast?” My body felt so light and slightly buzzed as she grabbed my hand, almost sprinting on an uphill.”

 

“Oh! Sorry, Sare. There’s somewhere I want you to see. And I want you to see it while the sun sets. Come!” She started to run faster and I kept up with her, hand in hand.

 

I swear a kilometer passed and I could barely run any further, especially with this incline. “I think I’m going to die! Are we almost there?”

 

“It’s right up there, we’re almost there!” She reassured me, excited.

 

I finally took a look around at where I was. “Wow,” I breathed, amazed as I gasped for air. I could see the sun wanting to set now. Tegan fell to the ground with my hand in hers, pulling me down with her. She made me feel like we were kids again, and the slight buzz I had going on made me feel extra giddy in my tummy.

 

I lay on my back, side by side with Tegan, breathing heavily until I regained a steady heart rate from the run. Finally I had my puffer with me in case, hence why I didn’t mind running so fast to keep up with her. I could feel my chest rising up and down as I looked at her. Her gazed was fixed on the setting sun that she thought I was looking at, too.

 

“There’s no one here,” a smile formed on my face at the realization that she planned this all for me.

 

“I thought you’d like it.”

 

I could see a lot of the city from up here, and it looked especially breathtaking at this hour. The unsteady breeze hit my cheek as Tegan caressed that back of my hand. It all felt so good.

 

“I love you. Thank you for doing this for me, I love your surprises.”

 

She gave me a warm kiss on the forehead and held my face. She smiled at me before responding and waited for my eyes to meet hers. “I love you more.”

 

Tegan propped herself overtop of me and kissed my lips, making me giggle. She pushed my chin up and gently bit at my neck. My eyes flickered to the huge playground in my new direction. “Are those swings?!” I distracted as I looked far back behind me. I wouldn’t have noticed if Tegan didn’t move my gaze that way.

 

“Yes, you wanna go?”

 

I got up before she could finish the question and grabbed her arm as I ran over with her. “Yes, push me!”

 

I smiled at her, acknowledging how much of a kid I was being, but I couldn’t help it. I knew she loved this type of thing, too. Tonight reminded me so much of my childhood when we used to play around like this. Oh how not much has really changed.

 

I sat back onto the swing and Tegan stood behind me, holding the chains from the swing in each of her hands. I could feel her breath on my neck along with the cool air, making me all giddy and smiley again.

 

“Aren’t you gonna push me?” I bounded playfully in the seat, interrupting her kiss once again.

 

“Wow,” she looked at me wide-eyed as I giggled. “My girlfriend’s a child.”

 

My face turned to stone mid-laugh, or at least it felt that way. Did she just?

 

“What?” I felt the question escape my mouth; she just clued in to what she had said, too.

 

Tegan timidly cleared her throat and swallowed, shutting her eyes and blushing. I looked at her, a small smile birthing from her mouth as she regretted her choice of words. She was slightly embarrassed for saying that; I could tell she didn’t mean to and it slipped out. I could feel my heart in my chest. I don’t really know what we are, come to think of it. It didn’t matter when we both know how we feel.

 

But that was really cute, especially seeing her so uncomfortable for calling me that.

 

“You want me to push you?” She purposely ignored my question and changed the subject back to what I had initially asked. Voice shaky, her eyes were still closed as she pulled my seat back into her body.

 

I waited for her to open them, smiling irrepressibly at her. I was still slightly speechless and felt endless butterflies in my body.

 

“You’re looking at me, Sara. Stop looking at me, Sara.” Tegan shook her head back and forth, smiling and eyes behind closed lids. Her face was turning red and I was enjoying the torture.

 

“But you’re so pretty,” I ridiculed.

 

I watched the twitch at Tegan’s mouth as she pressed her lips together, still shaking her head. She finally pulled me a little closer and gave me her biggest push, propelling my swing forward and almost startling me.

 

“Ah! Tegan! I wasn’t ready!” I shouted, holding onto the chains with all my strength.

 

When I came back to her, she held onto the seat at my hips and kept me there, her mouth to my ear. She gave me a sense of unease since I didn’t know if and when she was going to let go of me again. My body was tense and on fight or flight, shivers down my spine.

 

“Are you ready now?” She lingered her lips on my cheek and pulled me closer, readying to let go.

 

My face scrunched and eyes squeezed tight in uncertainty, I knew she was going to do it and not kiss me just to get a rise out of me—especially since I made her uncomfortable.

 

I let out a high pitch shriek while she swung me back and pushed me again, letting out another childish giggle. Minutes of us playing around like this passed. The sun had just about fully set and it was dark now. I could hear our laughter filling the air and feel Tegan squeezing my body with every push. I felt so light and free on this swing in the sky.

 

Tegan finally stopped the swing and I could relax my arms now. She faced me and placed her hands on my thighs and facilitated my legs onto either sides of her. “Well, that was fun,” I breathed, our lips almost brushing against each other.

 

“You’re making it really difficult to kiss you tonight, you know that?”

 

“I’m sorry,” I closed my eyes, smiling. “I’ll stop talking.”

 

I waited for her to kiss me like she mentioned. And when she didn’t, I opened them and waited again.

 

She stared into my eyes and pushed her lips playfully against mine, kissing me when I least expected it and making me giggle uncontrollably. Her lips tasted like the red wine we had and I couldn’t stop kissing them. “I love you,” my voice was hushed in her affectionate nips.

 

“I love you more.” She pulled my lower lip and I could swear it was going to swell. “Back to the room, beautiful?”

 

“Mmm,” I moaned, feeling her squeeze my thighs and run her hands up to my waist at my ribs. I could feel my body going into a frenzy as she took more dominance in the kiss. Tegan could sense my stimulation and wanted to take me back to the hotel.

 

“Sare, baby. Come,” she asserted short phrases between kisses. “Let me take you back.”


	56. Berlin

**Tegan**

“This?” I slid the silk-black blindfold off of its hook and showed it to a nervous Sara.

 

“Okay,” she said, looking at it so fast and throwing it into the bag.

 

“Sare, please relax, baby; people come in here all the time. I was in here a few weeks ago alone, remember? Well, not _here_ , but you know, one of these places. It’s not a big deal at all. It’s whatever.” I tried my best to comfort her. “How about these handcuffs?” I spoke as I handed them to her.

 

“They look good,” her voice cracked as she added them into the bag as well. I took the bag from her in hopes that it would calm her a bit. I didn’t want to be sex toy shopping on my own, I wanted her actual opinion and without her worrying. We moved deeper into the fetish toys and she started to eye some of the kinkier things.

 

She ran her finger along all the different boxes of toys, but was too shy to pick anything up and actually look at it. I didn’t expect her to right away, so I decided to be the dominant one here and pick up something that I knew she wanted.

 

“You said I can tie you up, right?” I voiced seductively as I grabbed the Japanese silk rope.

 

“You know how to use that?” Sara asked, pointing to it.

 

“I’m a quick learner,” I slipped it into the bag, “especially when it has to do with tying you up while you’re naked.

 

Sara let out a shy giggle and kept walking. Well, this was a start. She stopped at the vibrators and dildos, picking up a dildo that was slightly bigger than the strap on I used on her.

 

“You’re into that?” I asked.

 

“What?” Her face was innocent.

 

“Would you let me use that on you, without a strap like that?”

 

“You put the other end inside you, instead of a strap. So you can feel it, too,” she told me.

 

“Oh,” I’ve heard of those before, but never tried them. “It’s bigger than the one we have, you know that, right?”

 

“I can handle it, Tee.”

 

Fuck, I wanted to take her right here. But no way in hell was that possible—obviously. I took the toy and added it to all of the things we were getting.

 

“How’s that vibrator you have, is it good? You know, the one I found under your pillow that time you were masturbating to me?”

 

“Tegan!” She smacked my arm. It didn’t hurt all that much; I expected it of course. “Keep your voice down!”

 

My hands lingered along the toys on the shelves as I looked at her for a response to my question. “Sooo?”

 

“It’s amazing, now shut it and keep moving. Please!”

 

“Moving along,” I snickered, nudging her arm gently. “

 

“Oh my god, a sex swing!” I gasped at the sight of it; it would be so hot take her on that.

 

“Tee, we have enough things! We’re done!” She was clearly uncomfortable. And as cute as it was, I started to feel bad and headed over to the cash. I told her to stay looking around and away from me while I checked out our things if it made her feel better.

 

“I’ll be back, Sare,” I said sweetly, which was followed by Sara’s dirty look from my sex swing comment.

 

I walked up to the cashier and emptied my bag onto the counter, who smiled modestly in Sara’s direction. “Your girlfriend’s just waiting to get out of here, huh?” She teased at Sara’s discomfort as she stood awkwardly by the door.

 

_How could she not realize?_

“She’s not—” I stopped myself from correcting her and went with it, flattered. “Yeah,” I laughed, “my girlfriend’s quite the prude.”

 

As that sentence escaped my lips, my stomach flipped at the realization of how amazing it would be to actually be able to call her that. She finished ringing up all of our things that totaled to an insane price, but we did buy a lot. And it was cheaper than the wine from last night—how does that make sense? She handed me the two opaque black bags and I carried them both in one hand, the other holding onto Sara’s as I met her at the door.

 

“You excited?” I asked her, grinning still from the cashier thinking Sara and I were just a regular couple. If only it were that simple.

 

“It was all a blur, Tegan; I don’t even know what we got. That was so nerve wracking, I’m just glad we’re out of there!”

 

“Sara, you’re overreacting, babe. She didn’t even know we were twins.”

 

“I’m _always_ overreacting, I _always_ have to relax. Don’t I, Tee?” She rolled her eyes at me.

 

“Shh,” I pressed my finger up against her lips and she pushed my hand down into hers. “Don’t talk, just walk.”

 

“I’m sorry, am I annoying you?” She asked, unimpressed.

 

“Mmm, you’re okay for now,” I giggled as I tried to sound serious, loving how angry she was getting.

 

“Great, because the last thing I’d wanna do is make my sister mad,” sarcasm burned on her lips.

 

“You wouldn’t know how that feels, huh Sare? Oh look there’s our bus, you can get rid of me now.” I squeezed her hand harder as I teased her, letting her walk up the steps first.

 

Sara nudged me and went straight to the couch, kicking off her shoes and snuggling up in a warm blanket. I pushed off my shoes with each foot and picked them up in my other hand. I passed Sara on the couch and walked over to the closet to put our shoes away.

 

“Oh, heeey Tegan!” I heard a taunting voice accentuate from one of the bunks; I didn’t notice Ted there and when he caught my attention I noticed Jasper was sitting on the couch next to Sara. “Whatcha got there?” He continued to taunt me and reached for my bags as I dropped my shoes.

 

“Shut up, Ted,” I laughed in a low voice as I hit him over the head with the bag that had the boxed toy.

 

“Second time, Tee, you sure don’t try hard to be discrete,” he commented.

 

“I try my best, but I guess that doesn’t cut it,” I quipped back. I could tell without looking back that Sara was embarrassed, and when I did she had her palms to her face. Once I put the bags into the closet, too, I sauntered over to Sara, giving her a public kiss on the cheek and jumping onto the couch beside her. She was definitely tired and over exhausted, making it obvious as soon as she sat down; maybe I should have been more sensitive to her at the sex shop. I scooped her up and laid her head on my chest, her lower back between my hips and I cuddled her into the blanket so she was comfy. She almost instantly fell asleep and I could feel her body gently moving up and down as she breathed.

 

Jasper was smiling at me and I smiled back; I could tell he was glad to see us happy and calm again. Speaking of happy and calm, which reminded me about the obvious when I heard chatter from outside. I looked over to the bus door since I heard footsteps and Emy and Colin were the last to come up. They seemed like they had been getting along well, which didn’t come as a surprise to me. Adrenaline shot through my stomach as I looked at them, waiting for Colin to tell me what happened the other night.

 

Emy came up first and we locked eyes, she looked to Sara’s sleeping face and I could tell what was on her mind. Colin came up from behind her and Emy came closer, concerned.

 

“She’s okay, Em—just exhausted,” I said as I brushed my fingers through Sara’s hair.

 

Colin stood beside Emy, holding her as he gently moved her so he could see Sara. “How’s she doing, Tee?”

 

Sara turned around lazily, keeping her eyes closed and in a deep sleep as she pushed her face against my chest. She brought her hand up to my shoulder and I took it in my hand and kissed it. “She took the first day hard, but I think having a day to ourselves helped. I’m trying to keep her calm as much as I can.”

 

Colin and Emy sat down on the couch across from us. Jasper listened in on the conversation, sitting at my ankles. “Colin,” I asked anxiously, “you’re killing me here, is Stacy dead?”

 

Colin looked alarmed, wide-eyed and over to Sara. “Does she know?”

 

“No; she’s a heavy sleeper. Sare, baby?” I double-checked, “she can’t hear a thing—sound asleep.”

 

Colin pressed his lips together and gave me an expression I could barely read. It can’t be good news, I thought to myself as I watched him slowly move his head back and forth. I could barely read Emy either.

 

He must have told her already.

 

I put my hands gently over Sara’s ears subconsciously. “It’s a very grey area, Tegan. I didn’t know what to do.”

 

“What do you mean? You had the gun right at her head, she’s dead.” I insisted, sort of needing a confirmation from him.

 

“I was going to, but I didn’t,” Colin spoke calmly.

 

I started to get a little emotional, holding Sara tighter and adding a little more pressure to her ears so she couldn’t hear. I made sure I was still being gentle with her, what with my emotions coming to a high. “Why not?”

 

“Think about it, Tegan; really think about it. What good would have been done if I had killed her? If she could possess someone once, she could do it again. If I had shot her, then God knows what would happen. You know Stacy didn’t commit suicide on her own.”

 

“Colin’s right, Tegan,” Emy supplemented. And she was totally right; I would have never thought about it unless he had pointed it out. “Stacy was bubbly and loved life. She loved Sara, but she’s never one to be suicidal about a heartbreak—she knows life goes on.”

 

I felt chills creep up my spine. She was right.

 

“You think Lindsey had something to do with her death?” That made a lot of sense.

 

“I _know_ she did,” Emy spoke.

 

If that were true, which I wouldn’t doubt, Lindsey is an absolutely disgusting human being.

 

“I never believed in possessions until that night,” Colin explained. “But if I could guess what happened, is that Lindsey’s presence influenced Stacy to take her own life. And Lindsey possessed her body once she was gone so she could keep living.”

 

“Remember the ultimatum?” I remembered, “I was looking through Sara’s phone the night Lindsey died. She said she’d call it off if Sara slept with her.”

 

“She’s sick,” Emy covered her mouth in disgust at Lindsey.

 

“If I had killed her, I’d be risking her spirit haunting us. It paranoid me too much, I couldn’t have her doing it to anyone else here.”

 

“It could have very well been me.” That thought startled me. “Or Sara. Where is she now, Colin?”

 

“I’d love to tell you that I know where she is, but I’m not fucking with that anymore. I let her go and I left soon after you guys did. I was terrified and disturbed when I looked into her eyes.”

 

Chills again.

 

“I saw it. I saw the marks on her neck, too. I understand, Colin.” I hugged Sara tighter into me; the thought that she touched my sister absolutely horrified me. “Oh Sara, baby.”

 

I could feel her rustling and adjusting her body as she moved against me. She turned to face Colin and Emy and kept her hand held in mine. My other hand was massaging her lower back and touching her skin; I could feel her waking up now.

 

“Oh,” Sara wiped her hair out of her face and sleep out from her eyes, looking up at me and then to everyone else. I could tell she was slightly uncomfortable we were showing affection in front of them. “Hi guys. Was I asleep long? How long have you been here for?”

 

“We just got here ten minutes ago,” Colin smiled and spoke with warmth in his voice, trying his best not to bring Sara back to the last time she saw him.

 

“You passed out as soon as I sat down, baby,” I explained to her.

 

“Oh, I guess I was more exhausted than I thought.”

 

“Sleep as long as you need. We’ve got about seven hours till we’re there,” I comforted her.

 

“How are you, Emy? Colin? What did you guys end up doing yesterday?” Sara asked, slightly more awake now. I guess that was all I was going to find out about Stacy, but I think that was pretty much the end of the update. I just focused on holding Sara as she made conversation, so unaware that we were talking about Stacy’s possession.

 

Colin looked over to with a big smile, “We left Jasper and Ted to do their own thing after lunch and we decided to go hiking.”

 

“Did you guys get to check out the city, too?” Emy asked.

 

My hand was still in Sara’s as she smiled at me with sleepy eyes. “Tegan took me around to see Amsterdam; she took me out to dinner and we stayed out to watch the sunset. The city is very beautiful.” I watched her as she thought more about yesterday. “Oh, and she bought my wine that was almost five hundred euros.”

 

“ _Oh?_ Did that almost slip your mind there, Sare?” I teased her.

 

“Damn, Tegan,” Colin chimed in, raised brows. “That’s expensive.” Emy’s wide-eyed expression matched Colin’s thoughts.

 

“It was a one-time thing,” I assured everyone as I wore a smirk.

 

“No it wasn’t!” Sara fought with me, pressing my hand to the arm of the couch. I couldn’t help but giggle at her offended expression.

 

“If you want nice things, Sare, go date Colin,” I quipped.

 

“I’d buy you expensive wine any time you like, Sara,” Colin lowered his voice and gave Sara a teasing smolder.

 

“And you did teach me how to steer your jet,” Sara went along with it, giggling.

“Sounds like you’re worth switching teams for,” Emy jumped in as she spoke to Colin.

 

“Trust me, Emily,” Colin continued to flaunt his good looks. “I’m _very_ worth switching teams for.”

 

“Okay, I draw the line here. I’ve heard enough!” I shouted and Sara was laughing uncontrollably.

 

“This hetero conversation is making her uncomfortable,” Sara poked fun at me.

 

“Shut up,” I quipped back, pushing her face away playfully.

 

Jasper just listened in on our conversation as he watched whatever was on his tablet, laughing every so often at our words. Our conversation died down to nothing too noteworthy, just talking about what everyone did yesterday. Colin and Emy kept talking while Sara and I started getting tired again and adding the odd “mhm” and laugh every so often.

 

I could feel myself falling asleep as I held Sara in my arms.

 

**Sara**

 

I woke to the sun still shining as the bus drove through somewhere that I only knew was Europe. I had no idea where we were right now, but I’m sure we’ve been driving for at least four or five hours. We were at least halfway there.

 

I looked around and everyone was sleeping. Near me was Jasper, farther down on the couch with Tegan and I, tablet on his chest. He looked peaceful; he obviously fell asleep while he was on it. Ted was in his bunk, sound asleep as I heard his body shuffling around and tossing and turning.

 

Colin and Emy were asleep on the couch across from us. I didn’t think they were ever going to fall asleep; they had conversations that went on forever. They seemed to really have taken a liking to each other. I watched as Colin slept on Emy’s shoulder and Emy’s head rested on Colin’s.

 

They looked really sweet.

 

And then there was Tegan, tranquil and calm as she slept. I felt her chest rise and fall as she so daintily breathed through her nose. Her arms that were once wrapped around me were now above her head and exposing her inked biceps. I brought my hand up to trace my fingertips along her ink when my touch caused her arms to hug me into her once again. I loved it when she did subconsciously sweet things like this.

 

I smiled as I watched her sleep, face tilted up ever so slightly and mouth closed; of course that’s where my focus was. She was still in a deep sleep, but so was everyone else. I quietly planted kisses on her lips and pulled her lips gently with my teeth every so often. I kept kissing her and kissing her until I got a reaction.

 

“Hmm,” she hummed, finally opening her sleepy eyes. I managed to get a smile out of her as soon as she saw me, and I kept giving her small, short kisses. I couldn’t help but smile back as I waited for her to say something and enjoyed the taste of her lips.

 

“Mmm, hi baby.” Tegan’s voice was slightly groggy, “What a nice way to wake up.”

 

“Hi,” I spoke shortly so I could kiss her lips again. “Thank you. I can sleep on you forever, Tee. You’re so comfy.”

 

She moved her face up to kiss me now. “Mmm, yeah? You can sleep on me forever, Sare.”

 

“Aww, you’re the sweetest,” I placed another loving peck on her lips. “I’m sorry I woke you.” I kept my voice to a whisper, not wanting us to wake anyone else up.

 

“No you’re not,” she teased as I muted her voice with another kiss.

 

“You know me so well,” I responded. Our conversation faded out as our attention stayed in the kiss and she held me in her arms.

 

Colin adjusted his body and made a rustling sound, causing us to look over at him and Emy. “Wow. They’re so cute; they’d make a good couple, eh?” Tegan crinkled her nose as she admired them.

 

“Ha! Funny, Tee.”

 

“Well, it was worth pointing out.” Her childlike smile slowly disappeared when she saw my face get serious.

 

“Tee, where’s Stacy?”

 

She was wondering when I’d ask that.

 

“I don’t know, baby.”

 

“You saw her that night?” I asked, innocent and curious.

 

“Yes baby, I did,”

 

“What happened?” I was uneasy for an answer and she was uneasy to give me one. She looked as if she was treading lightly, not out of sensitivity for my feelings, but in case she accidentally said something she didn’t mean to.

 

“Your text messages seemed different, so I called you and you didn’t answer. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right. Then you opened the door to me, baby. You had no idea what was going on. Stacy just watched as I panicked and held you. She kept saying how you were going to wake up in a few hours.”

 

“Why would she do that to me, Tee? Even when I hurt her with you and me, she loved me and wanted me to be happy.” My voice became thick, covering tears.

 

“Sara baby, Stacy loves you so much and I never want you to forget that. What she did that night was not a reflection of who she really is, I need you to know that. She’s not where she used to be mentally anymore, and I don’t think she’s ever going to go back to that Stacy, the one that truly acted out of love for you.”

 

“How could she do that to me?”

 

“I know, baby, I know. I’m so sorry. I’m not gonna ask you to be strong, Sare; I’ve been there, the last thing I wanted to do was that. But when you can’t be strong, I’m right here.”

 

“Oh, Tee,” I bawled into her chest, trying not to wake Emy and Colin.

 

She held me, she kissed my forehead; I watched tears form in her eyes. “I’m right here, Sare. I’m right here,” she promised again.

 

My body shook hard into hers, I swear she could feel all of my pain right now. I wanted her to just take it all away, but that’s not how things work. She cried harder every time she felt my tears fall onto her skin, every time my body heaved up and down from trauma.

 

She gripped my hair between her fingers and felt me getting weaker, hearing my whimpers mixed in with hers. I pushed my head up from under hers and our soaked, tear-stained eyes met. She held my cheeks as we looked at each other and I knew we were both thinking about everything that led us up to now.

 

Our swollen lips met in a shaky kiss and our emotions were running on a high right now. My pained shrieks and whimpers broke the kiss every so often but we kept coming back to embrace each other. She brushed her thumb against my cheek to wipe my tears, but our faces were already wet from hurt.

 

“I’m always going to be right here, Sare.” she choked out again as she held my face.

 

“I know, I know,” I mouthed through trembling lips.

 

She squeezed my hand, kissing my fingertips and then putting them to her chest so I could feel her heartbeat. Even though she wasn’t calm, she tried to steady her breaths so I could mirror hers. Our eyes were fixed on each other until eventually our breathing slowed.

 

We didn’t say a word.

 

The room got quiet and all I could hear were her deep, steady breaths that I worked to match. The silence felt good while she continued to search into my wounded depths. Something about this moment brought me peace; butterflies and a feeling of adrenaline filled my stomach. It could have been fear, but I couldn’t tell anymore. She put her hand to my chest now and I didn’t feel as frantic and my heart rate slowed.

 

She was hiding something from me; I could feel it, but I still believed everything was going to be okay. I didn’t hear anything, but Tegan shot her hand to her back pocket and checked her phone. A look of worry stumbling along her face as she scanned through whatever she was looking at. She put it back into her pocket.

 

“Tee,” I held her wrist. “We’re honest with each other no matter what—no secrets, right?”

 

She wiped away her worry and put a smile on her face, but I could still see it in her eyes. “Yeah, no matter what, sweetheart.” The guilt took over her face, what was she looking at just now?

 

Her arms twitched around me as I collapsed into her, not in the mood to start anything or let her know how obvious she’s being about hiding something. She was definitely covering something up to protect me, but what mattered is we’re still together. Whatever it is isn’t breaking us up; I know she’ll open up to me eventually about it. I can be patient, but I kept my word.

 

I was going to be honest.

 

“You’re not fooling me for a second, baby. I can read your face better than anything, there’s something you’re not telling me, Tee.”

 

She was at a loss for words. Tegan looked even more shamed and taken aback that I confronted her. I watched her open-mouthed and wordless.

 

“It’s okay, protect me. I understand, I don’t want to start anything, Tegan. I know that’s why you’re doing this. That’s why you’re hiding it from me. Whatever _it_ is. And I know, I know I’m so weak right now; I just want you to keep holding me. I know everything’s going to be okay. You don’t have to lie to me, baby. Just tell me there’s something you don’t want me to know. I won’t ask what it is, just tell me there’s something.”

 

“I’m sorry, Sare,” she apologized as she swallowed, ready to keep talking. “Yes, there’s something, okay? I just don’t want to overwhelm you right now, you’ve gone through enough the past few days.”

 

“I trust you, Tee,” I spoke calmly in her ear. And she was right; there was enough on my plate right now. I didn’t have the energy to argue with her or to ask what it was. This was more than enough to keep me occupied.

 

“I’m sorry,” she apologized wholeheartedly.

 

“Don’t be, I love you,” I kissed her on the cheek, catching her off guard.

 

“Oh,” Tegan massaged my arms gently, “I love you more, baby.”

 

“Impossible.”

 

I felt her shoulders twitch as she giggled quietly and kissed my forehead. “Come here, Sare,” Tegan pulled my face up to hers and was about to kiss me until she heard Emy waking up, lifting her head from Colin’s. We both looked up at her. She barely regarded us as she got more comfortable and changed her position next to him, resting her head on his shoulder now.

 

“Well, they look comfy.” Tegan spoke suggestively, not taking her eyes off of them.

 

“Almost as comfy as us,” I started to see where Tegan was coming from now. Hey, it could happen.

 

Tegan brought her attention back to me and kissed me on the mouth just like she was about to, once Emy seemed asleep and stopped moving herself. “Do you still wanna sleep, Sare?”

 

“Maybe I’ll sleep until we get there,” I suggested.

 

She kissed me again, hugging me and turning us over so that we were face to face on our side. “This okay?” She asked as she held me so sweetly and protectively. _This_ felt so good.

 

“Perfect.”

 

Tegan moved my hair aside and placed numerous soft kisses on my neck so quietly; I didn’t want her to stop. I wanted to fall back asleep like this.

 

“I really appreciate your trust right now, Sare. I don’t think it’s easy for you to do that right now, but thank you.”

 

“I know you’re doing what’s best for us. I know there’s no easy way out of this. I don’t want you dealing with whatever it is on your own, but I’m always here, Tee.”

 

“I do know that…” she spoke as she interlaced my hand into hers as she lingered on my face, expression so sentimental. “…My beautiful girl.”

I squeezed her hand back and let my head to rest right next to hers so that I could feel her breath and her lips tickling mine. We stayed like this until we fell asleep.

 

Comfy.

 

**Colin**

I could feel the bus come to a stop, knocking me out of my sleep and alerting me back into my surroundings. Someone had their head resting on me and I realized it was Emy and that we had fallen asleep on each other after hours of deep conversation. Her hair smelled really good as it tickled my face. She had her hands folded together by my side, legs bent and almost on me as well.

 

Tegan faced away from me and I could barely see Sara, but I knew she was right by her side. They’re inseparable. Her arms were wrapped tightly around her as they slept so still in each other’s arms.

 

“Good sleep?” I heard Emy ask as she slightly lifted her head off my shoulder, looking up at me.

 

“Yeah,” I looked at her and smiled. “You?”

 

Emy nodded and looked over at the girls. “You think Sara’s ever going to find out?” She was referring to Lindsey.

 

“Of course she will,” I wasn’t being pessimistic; that was just an unfortunate given.

 

“You can’t say that for sure, Colin! We don’t know if she’ll come back,” Emy defended.

 

“She hasn’t gotten what she wants yet. And yes she will,” I said. “She told me she would be.”

 

Emy looked scared. “What _does_ she want?”

 

“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. She’s already had Tegan before; I don’t understand it.”

 

“Maybe she wants Sara?” Emy suggested.

 

“That’s very possible.”

 

“…Or both.”

 

“Extremely possible, but so fucked up…and never happening in a million years,” I thought out loud.

 

“Yeah, but with this Lindsey I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m still in shock, Colin; I never thought this would happen. I never thought she’d be like this.”

 

“I know, Emy. I had no idea, either.”

 

“Should I wake them?” Ted came out of nowhere with an mischievous smirk on his face.

 

“I’m not doing it,” Emy laughed, not wanting to bother them when they looked so comfortable together.

 

“Leave it to me,” he snuck up behind Tegan and quietly calling her name, to which she turned onto her back and Sara fell accordingly onto her sister’s chest.

 

“You’re an asshole,” Sara opened her tired eyes and figured out what Ted was going to do. “I’ll hold her arms.”

 

“Thanks asshole,” Ted reciprocated Sara’s sarcastic words.

 

Sara grabbed onto Tegan’s hand while her other arm was under her. She couldn’t stop giggling playfully as Ted paused before tickling her. “Go for her ribs,” Sara directed, knowing exactly where she was the most ticklish.

 

Tegan’s body jerked up as soon as Ted did what Sara told him, the most annoyed expression I’ve seen her make in a long time. “Hey!” Tegan yelled and Sara let go of her hand so she could push Ted off of her.

 

“Ted, how dare you?!” Sara’s voice was so obviously sarcastic, and an unimpressed Tegan glared at her.

 

“I hate you both,” Tegan jumped up and persisted to hit Ted, who of course grabbed her fists and she couldn’t do much damage. Not to mention the height difference left Tegan helpless, she looked so small and cute.

 

“ _I_ love you, Tee,” Sara mocked and hugged her from behind. “And you’re so adorable when you’re mad.”

 

“Is that why you’re so mean to me?” She asked, indifferent.

 

“Yep,” Sara squeezed her so hard that I was shocked Tegan could still breathe.

 

“Swell,” Ted let go of Tegan and she turned around to hug Sara back. “So... Berlin… we’re here?”

 

“We’re here! Let’s get our things and check into our rooms!” Sara exclaimed, happy to finally be getting off the bus.

 

“Don’t forget those bags you put in the closet there, Tegan,” Ted interrupted. “You might want to handcuff Sara and punish her for waking you up like that.”

 

“Ted, oh my god!” Sara got out of Tegan’s hug so fast and pounded her knuckles against his shoulder.

 

“Or tie her to the bed,” Ted continued as he held Sara’s wrists now.

 

“Oh my god, I’m leaving!” Sara’s cheeks turned to a mortified shade of red and stormed off to grab her suitcase.

 

“Wow, Ted,” Tegan chimed in. “You made both of us hate you within five minutes of waking up. “Kudos.”

 

“I have a knack,” Ted responded back with satisfaction as he blew his knuckles.

 

“Move!” Sara fumed down to the front of the tour bus where we were all standing, cheeks even redder than before and still the most embarrassed I’ve ever seen her. Emy grabbed her own suitcase, laughing, and walked with her.


	57. Pieces

**Tegan**

 

Damn, she’s cute when she’s embarrassed. Everyone followed Sara’s lead, not because they didn’t want to fuck with her when she’s mad (she’s not that intimidating, ha!), but because everyone was so excited to see Berlin and where we were going to be staying.

 

“We’re staying at the Ritz-Carlton?” Sara looked at the establishment with wide adoring eyes, embarrassment slowly put on the back burner now.

 

“It was my little surprise for you,” I smiled at her and caressed her hand.

 

She was in awe and as if she had never seen anything like it; I knew she always wanted to stay at this one. “ _Little?”_

 

“Okay, maybe not little, but I think you’ll like it.”

 

“Who wouldn’t _like_ this?” She bounced with excitement as she rushed through the rotating doors, so curious to see what was on the other side. “Oh my god,” she spoke so slowly in astonishment at the lobby. I was amazed, too. It was beautiful and sleek and the marble floors and walls and everything gleamed so exquisitely.

 

Sara ran up to the check-in desk and waited for the hotel clerk to notice her. “Hi,” the man smiled at her and didn’t say more, noticing she was eager to speak again.

 

“Hi! Last name Quin,” Sara barely took a breath to give the name that the rooms were under.

 

“Great, welcome. Just a minute,” the clerk looked at the computer and checked for the rooms. I couldn’t wait to see Sara’s expression when she found out. “Two penthouse suites under Quin.”

 

“ _Penthouse?”_ Sara repeated and then looked to me. “Tegan, isn’t that, like, super expensive?” She whispered.

 

“Surprise,” I smiled at her.

 

Sara opened her mouth in awe and shock. “What? Tee, how could you afford that?! Oh my god, you’re the best!”

 

“I know, I know,” I spoke smugly.

 

“Tegan, how long are you gonna do this for?” Colin intervened and took all my glory. “Sara, I paid for them. You think Tegan can afford fifteen thousands euros a night?”

 

Welp.

 

“Fifteen thousand euros?! Oh my god, Colin! Who’d you have to kill to get that kind of money?” Sara blurted out in front of everyone.

 

“She’s joking, sir. Yeah, two penthouse suites, that’s us,” I interrupted and Colin put his palm to his face. I think he was seriously regretting this. “Um, so could we get six cards, please?”

 

The clerk had a smirk on his face as he handed me the cards, he probably thought we were crazy and beyond weird. Oh well, that sounded like a harmless expression what Sara said, right?

 

I walked away as soon as I gathered all my things and everyone followed.

 

“You gonna punish her for that one, too, huh?” Ted ran up to me with a carelessly loud undertone.

 

“ _Shut_ up!” I elbowed him in the chest as I emphasized my words. “You know, I’ve had it up to _here_ with all of you today,” I gestured a height taller than me with my free hand, feeling as if I was talking to children.

 

Ted never took me seriously.

 

“Tegan’s not happy with _any_ of us today,” Sara came up beside me and walked with her arm intertwined in mine as we carried our suitcases and stepped into the elevator. Her face was covered in the cutest smile, ambitioned to get another rise out of me, but I just had to smile back.

 

“This is our floor, let’s all get settled in and we’ll meet for dinner. Meet at the lobby for seven?” Colin suggested.

 

“Okay, we’ll see you guys then!” Sara spoke for the both of us and the elevator doors shut behind them, leaving us alone.

 

Silence followed and Sara was smiling at me again as she held tightly onto her luggage. I was trying so hard not to smile back or say a word to her. She was cute looking at me like that and she finally broke the quiet. “I’m in trouble, aren’t I?”

 

I didn’t say anything; I decided I’d let her talk to herself until we got to our room. The elevator doors opened and I led the way out through the hallway.

 

“Oh no, I know that look,” she continued, hints of teasing in her soft voice.

 

Silence.

 

“Tee, I’m sorry for what I said! I’m sorry for waking you up like that! Oh my god! You’re going to give me the silent treatment?! We’re in Berlin! Ber-lin! Tegan?!” Sara went on and on as I slid they key card in and opened up to doors to our penthouse suite. Penthouse suite. Damn, I could say that a million times and never get sick of it.

 

Before she could walk into the room and take the beautiful suite in, I rolled her suitcase in beside the door right next to mine and lifted her by the hips forcefully and into my arms. My hands went straight to her bum to hold her up and she wrapped her arms so tightly around me in fear of falling.

 

“ _You_ are something else today!” I argued with her playfully as I picked her up. I jumped up to adjust her body in my arms, to which she shrieked and tightened her legs around my waist now.

 

“Hey, put me down!” She shrilled and jutted her knuckles against my shoulders. Sara didn’t like heights much, even if it were just five feet off the ground. But she was just as cute to torture.

 

“You think waking me up like that was funny, Sare?” I squeezed her bum and kissed her collarbones as I antagonized her. She was too worried about falling to notice me or the eye-catching penthouse.

 

“No, no, I don’t! Put me down, Tee!” She panicked and begged, making me chuckle harder against her neck.

 

“Aw, you want me to put you down?” I mocked her as she squeezed her hands around my shoulders.

 

“Yes!” She exclaimed and in turn I leaned forward with her in my arms, pretending to drop her and jerking her back up. “Ah! Oh my god, Tegan!” She squeezed onto my body, “Tegan, I hate you!”

 

“Say you’re sorry,” I spoke in a serious tone, trying not to laugh anymore.

 

“I’m sorry!” She whined again and begged for mercy.

 

“Come on, Sare. I’m not going to drop you, don’t you like being in my arms?” I lifted her up in a jump again.

 

“No, I hate it,” her voice was a little calmer now, sarcasm and all.

 

“Wow.” I looked at her until she looked at me, kissing her abruptly and lingering it. “She’s so mean to me.”

 

“You love it,” she quipped in between our kisses with a pleased smirk on her face.

 

“I do. I like you kissing me, Sare. You’re so sweet.”

 

“Somebody’s gotta do it,” she murmured. I scared her by thrusting her body up into the air, readjusting my grip again and earning another shriek from her. “Tee!” Her fingernails dug into my back and her thighs squeezed my waist.

 

“Wanna see the rest of the suite, baby?”

 

“No!”

 

“Fifteen thousand euros a night and she doesn’t wanna see the suite. What a stubborn girl,” I commented and pressed my lips to her neck again, sucking on her skin. I could feel her cheeks swollen from smiling as I moved my kisses to her jaw. She loosened her grip and hugged me sweetly, kissing me on the mouth and being so good at distracting me. We haven’t kissed like this in a long time—at least it felt that way.

 

“I guess I am a little, huh?” She cooed and let her breath escape between our mouths, more focused on the kiss now.

 

“Mhm,” I moved my hands from her bum to her thighs and I could feel her body getting warm.

 

“Mmm,” she hummed in a low voice. “I’m sorry.”

 

“I guess I’ll just have to get you back for being so stubborn.”

 

“Guess so,” she didn’t giggle like she usually would have. We both just missed being with each other alone like this. Being intimate and carefree with her like this felt so good.

 

Sara had her arms around me as I laid her down onto the bed, oversized and waiting to be occupied. I pushed her up toward the headboard and sunk my hips between her thighs. “God, you’re so beautiful, Sare. Let me just love you a little bit first.” I kissed her soft lips and earned a giggle from her.

 

“Before you hurt me for being so mean to you today?”

 

“Hurt you?” Fuck, she knew what to say to turn me on. “You want me to hurt you, baby?”

 

“Mhm, hurt me.” She ordered as she repeated her words, getting a rise of out me.

 

“You’re making it really hard to love you right now, Sare. You know that?” Our making out became intense as we subtly dirty talked back and forth. I wanted to be sweet and gentle with her one moment and have her naked and begging for mercy underneath me the next. I earned a shriek from her as I pressed my hips forcefully between her legs.

 

“Then don’t.” She looked at me dead in the eyes and hooked her legs around me, jerking her body up so that her arms did the same. I pressed her up against the headboard and listened to her moans as she squeezed me harder. Sara grinded into me and I pulled her closer as she tugged at my shirt.

 

I did the same, pulling off her shirt faster than she did mine. My hands were pushed up against her bra that covered her breasts and kissing between them. “Tegan, mm, fuck!” She cursed, annoyed that I wasn’t making it easy on her to undress me.

 

“Sorry, Sare,” I took a break for a split second to help her take off my shirt. She threw it onto the perfectly spotless floor and pressed her chest against mine, working to unclasp her bra. I didn’t give her a chance to when I pulled her down to lay on her back, head falling onto the pillow under her.

 

She got the hint of lifting her hips and guided my hands as they pulled off her jeans, exposing her beautiful bare legs. I added the article of clothing into the clothes pile and kept her in her panties for now.

 

I flipped my sister around forcefully and pulled her hips into my core, causing her breaths to hitch. “I’ll take it off for you, sweetheart,” I kissed my way up her spine from the small of her back, pinning her wrists out in front of her. I lingered between her shoulder blades and finally unclasped her black lace bra that she looked so sexy in and even sexier out of.

 

I didn’t let her pull her arms out of her bra yet since I had her body pushed into the bed and my mouth tracing kisses on her back. We were finally in a hotel room that was so secluded and near sound proof and I could let Sara be as loud as she wants without having to hush her or quiet her screams. I fingered the material of her panties that were barely there, keeping my touch soft and teasing her.

 

Sara moaned softly as I gripped her ass. I could tell she was growing impatient and a little nervous, possibly regretting that she asked me to hurt her. “You know the safe word, baby,” I reminded her and spanked her, earning a cry from her.

 

“Mhm,” she whimpered.

 

“What is it?” I asked, lifting my hand to spank her again, a little harder this time.

 

“Red,” she spoke submissively and cried out as I slapped her thighs with more force.

 

“Good girl, Sara. Did that hurt?” I asked provocatively.

 

“No. Spank me harder.”

 

Fuck, she’s so hot. I was so worried I would hurt her in a way that she didn’t want, but tried my best to ignore that thought. She liked it and wanted more, I reminded myself. I slapped her a third time and I was sure that would leave a mark.

 

“Oh fuck!” Sara sobbed and I freaked out.

 

“Are you okay?!” I blurted out as soon as I did it, turning her body around so I could see her eyes.

 

She took off her bra and licked her lips. “Mmm, yeah, that felt so good. It’s okay, Tee. I’ll tell you if it’s too much. I like it,” she comforted me as she held my hands.

 

Sara pulled me close and smiled at me, reassuring me that I wasn’t being too rough with her. I wonder if I could have handled that? “Oh, okay, just making sure.”

 

“No being sweet right now,” she giggled and planted a kiss on my cheek. “Handcuff me.”

 

“Oh-okay,” I kissed her lips carefully before getting up and digging around for the bags in my suitcase. When I found it I looked for the handcuffs and pulled them out of the bag.

 

I watched Sara lying there and stretching her body just in her laced white thong as she watched me so hard. I fingered the shiny stainless steel that I anticipated Sara’s delicate hands to be confined in. A tinge of adrenaline shot through my core.

 

I crawled on top of her as she waited so patiently and pinned her arms overhead, biting her soft lips the entire time I worked to hand cuff her. I laced the chain of the cuffs in between a column on the bedposts so she couldn’t bring her hands down. Her whimpers were so pleasing to me and I could feel the both of us becoming so impatient.

 

“Where’s your vibrator, Sare?” She jerked to grab my hand but realized she couldn’t, sending a sensation of nerves throughout her body once she realized I wanted to use it on her.

 

“Side pocket in my suitcase. You’re gonna use it on me?” Her voice sounded so sexy right now, I loved how submissive she was being.

 

“Yes. And I might as well just bring both of these bags with me, too,” I said as I took them with me and listened to her moans. “Fuck, Sare,” I breathed as I put her vibrator beside her for now. “Your body,” I was captivated by her beauty and untouched skin. I slipped off my pants and placed my legs on either sides of her hips.

 

“Thank you,” she spoke so sweetly. “Tee,” she eyed my breasts that were covered by my bra, “take that off, baby.”

 

I did what she asked, unclasping it slowly and she shook her head at me to hurry up, anger showing up on her face and making me laugh. Throwing my bra into the clothing pile, I watched Sara gawking at my exposed breasts and licking her lips as they fell.

 

“Come here,” she grunted, so provoked that she couldn’t use her hands. I pushed my breasts up to her face and she kissed my skin, sucking it and pulling the bud into her mouth with her teeth and flicking her tongue.

 

“God, you feel so good, Tee,” she breathed as she trailed her bites down my body and insinuating that she wanted to kiss my stomach, so I moved up a bit.

 

“Sit on my face,” she demanded. “I want to taste your pussy.”

 

I giggled and kissed her on the mouth. “No, you’re the one hand cuffed,” I tried to get my dominance back and torment her. “If you’re a good girl…” I trailed down to her chest and bit her a little harder than comfortable, causing her to body to jerk against me. “…then maybe I’ll let you take control.”

 

I pulled her panties off of her hips with my teeth and I could feel her twitching. She watched me hard as I danced my fingertips along her skin. “Do you like when I tease you, Sare?”

 

“Don’t tease me; these hand cuffs are torture enough. We haven’t touched in so long, please don’t tease me, Tee,” Sara pleaded, words in pieces.

 

“God, I love that face,” I came up and kissed her cheeks and reached into the bag for the blindfold we bought earlier today. “You’re so tortured, Sare,” I let out a devious giggle.

 

This could be hot.

 

Sara just eyed the blindfold as I put it on her, taking away her sense of touch and now her sight. Her back arched up, showing off her ribs and taut stomach as she pulled her knees in.

 

She was beyond aggravated.

 

I saw the kitchen in the corner of my eye and got an idea; I had always wanted to try ice on her. I took my time walking over and grabbed a cup, quietly filling it with ice. “Tegan!” She growled my name when she felt me get off the bed.

 

“Yeah, baby?” I laughed, grabbing the cup and sitting back onto the oversized bed, “I’m here. I’m gonna try something, okay?”

 

She pursed her lips and swallowed innocently, keeping her knees tight and into her stomach. I pushed them down and put an ice cube into my mouth and dipped it into her bellybutton.

 

“Mm!” her mouth tightened as she exhaled and jerked her hips up. I watched the pressure build in her core as I delved my tongue in her bellybutton again, watching her skin prickle. I moved the ice up to her ribs and onto her erect nipples.

 

“That good, baby?” I asked as I took a new ice cube and placed it on her other nipple and earning a second moan. Her mouth opened now and I pressed my cold lips onto her warmth, feeling her bite me harder. “I’m gonna put it on your pussy now, okay Sare?”

 

“Oh!” She jerked her hips again and I put myself between her legs with a new glass of ice. I spread her hesitant legs and waited until her breathing settled. “Oh f-” she tried to curse, but bit her lips as she did. I took the ice on my tongue, running it along her sensitive clit and dipped it into her pussy.

 

I listened to her whimpers.

 

I grabbed the vibrator from beside Sara’s hips and turned it on, watching her face as she listened to the vibrations and knowing exactly what I was going to do. “I want you to scream my name like you did when you masturbated to me with this. Okay, Sara?”

 

She whimpered and nodded her head, but that wasn’t enough. I slapped her thighs even harder than the last and she sobbed and cursed uncontrollably. “Okay, Sara?” I repeated.

 

“Fuck! Yes, Tee,” she responded meekly.

 

“Good girl, open your legs,” I demanded as I increased the vibrations to a higher frequency.

 

“Tegan,” she moaned and I watched her body tense up.

 

“God, you’re so sexy,” I husked and almost let out a stunned laugh, caressing her inner thigh with my thumb and gently moving the vibrator along her lips. “I know you’re sensitive there, baby. I’m gonna listen to your body.”

 

I know that’s what was on her mind, even though she asked for it. She definitely felt more at ease after I said that because she adjusted her hips a little bit closer to me and spread her legs for me a little more.

 

“Just tell me if it’s too much, Sara, my baby,” I looked up at her blindfolded, anxious face and watched her nod, teeth clenched.

 

Her head shot back the second I pressed the vibrator against her clit, spreading her pussy with my two fingers so she could feel it more. Her breaths became more frequent and moans louder while she grinded herself against the toy.

 

“Oh fuck, Sare,” I gawked at her body as she twisted in pleasure. “Do you want more?”

 

I could tell she felt pleasure by the way she kept trying to press herself up against the toy; this wasn’t enough for her yet. She didn’t say anything but continued to whimper hard and nod up and down with a bitten lip.

 

I heightened the vibrations and pressed it a little harder against her, causing her to jerk for a second until she got used to the new speed. “So fucking good,” she cursed and sounded so in control. I was so used to her typical timidly sadistic, submissive sounds. Her reactions made my jaw drop and eyes widen.

 

Needless to say, she left me speechless.

 

“Harder, harder, fuck! Oh! I’m gonna, fu—” I watched her fumbling as she tensed her hips up against the vibrator and her body was about to collapse. Her cheeks were flushed and her panting was uncontrollable. “Tegan, mm, don’t stop baby, oh fuck!”

 

I felt light-headed in my entire body and I honestly thought I was going to collapse right then and there just at the sound of her pleasure. “Tegan!” My name carried in a shrill on her swollen lips, slicked from sweat as she rode out her orgasm. I watched her writhing against the vibrator and becoming uneasy as she screamed without holding back.

 

She pulled away from the toy when she couldn’t take anymore and I watched her as she squirted. I hooked her shaking legs around my shoulders and massaged my tongue gently on her pussy, making sure not to put to much pressure on her clit. Her arousal tasted so good on my tongue as I licked her clean. I smoothed my hands along her delicate calves and her body was so soft with a thin sheet of sweat covering her skin.

 

I couldn’t get enough of her.

 

“Do you wanna taste yourself, Sare?” She unclasped her legs and let me come up to kiss her. For such an indiscrete kiss, it was affectionate and we took our time in it. I listened to her hums of pleasure coated in innocence as she bit my lip and took in her taste.

 

The blindfold was sexy, but I liked seeing her loving eyes more. I ran my mouth softly over her cheeks and then to the orbits of her eyes as I slowly took it off of her.

 

“Hi,” Sara smiled and bit her rosy lips as she stared at me with glistening eyes.

 

“Hi baby,” I planted a quick peck on her lips and smiled back. “That’s better, now I can stare into those beautiful brown eyes.”

 

Her reaction made my knees week; she pressed her lips together, trying to hold in a smile but she was blushing so hard.

 

“Sare, you can’t look at me like that when you want me to be rough with you,” I droned, she was being so unfair by doing that.

 

She finally let out a giggle and I caressed her restricted arms. “Well you can’t _say_ things like that to me when I want you to be rough with me.”

 

I guess she had a point.

 

“I’ll make it up to you right now,” I kissed the ink on her arms, and to her curious face and her sweat-slicked chest until I reached into the bag and grabbed another toy. Sara was eyeing it intriguingly, wondering what I was looking for.

 

“Oh fuck,” she closed her eyes and smiled out of embarrassment, remembering that she was the one who picked the dildo that was a lot bigger than the one I used on her before.

 

“Don’t act so innocent,” I placed it on the bed between her legs and finally took off my panties.

 

“Why, is your _girlfriend_ a dirty slut?” She referenced my slip-up from our date last night, causing me to try and hold in my humiliated smile, failing. She wasn’t ashamed of letting me see her smiling face right now, she was obviously happy that I accidentally called her that.

 

“Huge,” I grabbed the dildo and analyzed how it worked. “And shut up.”

 

“Oh come on, Tee! It was cute. And sweet,” she watched me trying to figure it out. “That bulb goes inside you so you don’t need a strap. You’ll feel pleasure, too, so it won’t just be for me.”

 

“Oh, I like that. That’s really intimate.” I got pleasure using a strap on with her anyway, but I liked this.

 

“Besides,” she went back to the other topic, which apparently was perking her interest more. “I’m not opposed to you calling me that,” she smiled and blushed, clearly having built up courage to mention that.

 

I put the part of the dildo inside me and it took a while to get used to as I gripped the long end of it, ready to put it inside her. “Stop being so cute right now. Are you okay with your hands restrained for this?”

 

She let out an unintentionally adorable giggle as I pulled her hips closer to me. “Yes.”

 

“Are you okay with me spanking you?” I asked.

 

“Don’t hold back,” she breathed suggestively and causing me to swallow louder than planned.

 

I spread her thighs and gripped the tip of the dildo, holding it at her arousal-slicked entrance. It was pretty big compared to her opening and that turned me on as she watched in anticipation. I didn’t know how she was going to take this, but she was wet enough. I grunted before I even pressed it into her, she was so fucking hot.

 

I eyed her body up and down and looked into her pretty eyes, she was so delicate and innocent as she looked back at me and smiled. I know she wanted me to be dominant with her but I just wanted to be intimate with her and appreciate her.

 

“I’m gonna go slow,” I breathed, looking down at the dildo. I don’t think that’s what she wants to hear right now.

 

“I’m not opposed to that, either,” she smiled at me with breathtaking brown orbs.

 

“Oh,” I leaned my body into hers and kissed her lips as I slowly pressed the dildo inside of her. Sara and I both inhaled sharply and looked at each other once I fully filled her.

 

It felt like our first time; this was so much more intimate that a regular strap-on.

 

I had to take the handcuffs off of her; it didn’t feel right unless she could hold me back, too. I carefully unclasped the cuffs off of her wrists as I thrust into her and she grabbed me as soon as her hands were freed. Our bodies were so close and entwined with one another, along with our moans mixing together and she felt like pure bliss as I rocked gently inside her.

 

We didn’t have to speak to understand how we felt right now.

 

Sara’s legs were hooked so tightly around my hips that I could tell she never wanted to let me go. I slipped my hand under her arched back and pressed her chest closer into me. Our bodies never seemed to get close enough. I started to make love to her a little faster and felt her arousal dripping between her legs. Sara dug her fingernails down my back once her body started to go tense.

 

“Bad girl,” I mouthed as I pulled my teeth off of her lips. “I have to tie up those wrists again, don’t I?”

 

She smiled at me so mischievously with lust in her eyes as I brought her hands up overhead. I had the dildo pulled out of her as I cuffed her again and let her grow impatient a little more.

 

“So wet for me,” I stroked her thighs and placed the dildo at her entrance again, not going to be nearly as gentle as I was before and I know she was happy with that.

 

Sara screamed and sounded like she was begging for mercy when I thrust into her and slid myself in and out of her tight pussy. I fucked her harder as I listened to her chokes and curses while she tried to bite back tortured cries. Her body shook hard and uncontrollably and her confined hands stayed still. Her whimpers were almost hysterical when the loudest slap filled the room and I watched her thighs redden.

 

She sounded like she couldn’t take anymore, but she couldn’t stop screaming “fuck me” at the top of her lungs as her body tightened and writhed uncontrollably. I slapped her swollen thighs another time before I gripped them hard and turned her over so that she was on her knees. Her chest was down as she leaned on her forearms with her hips up in the air. I pulled her hips almost collapsing her off from her knees and fucked her until she was screaming uncontrollably again.

 

“You like when I fuck your little pussy like this?”

 

“Oh! F—” she could barely speak and collapsed onto her stomach while I kept my rhythm against her trembling body. “Please don’t stop, Tee!” Sara continued to beg as I bit every inch of her skin.

 

“Oh god. Fuck, Sara. You’re such a good girl, I love fucking you like this.”

 

“Mm, I fucking love you,” she let her words slip out. “I’m close, I’m gonna,” she warned me and I fucked her a little harder, lifting her hips up and slapping her thighs.

 

“I love you, too, beautiful. God I love you so fucking much,” I repeated another time unintentionally. “Squirt again for me, Sara.”

 

“I’m coming, I’m coming! Oh fuck, Tegan! Please don’t stop, fuck me harder!” She blurted out as she cried, biting her screams back into the pillows.

 

“I feel you coming, baby. God, you feel so good. Let it go, Sare. Fuck,” I moaned against her skin as she started coming down from her high and so did I.

 

That was intense.

 

I kissed her slowly down her back to her hips and to her reddened skin and turned her around carefully until she was comfortable on her back. She sucked in her stomach as I kissed her sensitive skin, from her bellybutton to her ribs to her collarbones to her swollen cheeks.

 

Sara stretched out her fingers and her hands when I loosened the cuffs and let her arms fall around me. I caressed her forehead and moved her matted bangs off of her face.

 

“That was,” she took a deep breath and I felt her chest rise as I lay on top of her, “amazing.”

 

“I know,” I took a deep breath in and exhaled hard, taking in how great our sex was. “Fuck, I’m shaking.”

 

Sara giggled at my forwardness. “Me too.”

 

Our bodies synchronized as her chest rose and fell underneath me. She grabbed my hand and held it lovingly, tugging my hair with the other. “I like being able to touch you,” she smiled at me sweetly.

 

“I like you touching me, Sare.” I kissed each knuckle on her hand one by one as she held tightly onto mine. She had a look in her eyes I couldn’t quite read, usually she would just want to spoon and cuddle by now. “What are you thinking, baby?”

 

Sara looked down and back up at me timidly.

 

“I want to please you.”

 

She propped my body up overtop of her and caressed my forearms as she carefully watched my reaction. She seemed a bit nervous and of course I thought that made her a million times more cute.

 

“Oh,” I let her grab my hips and guide me to where she wanted me. “I want you to please me,” I smiled as I twisted her words.

 

Sara giggled and squeezed my thighs, pulling them closer to her mouth. “Just come here.”

 

“Oh, so you _do_ want me to sit on your face?” I spoke suggestively, being a nuisance when I probably shouldn’t have been. “You dirty girl.”

 

“Shut up, Tegan! Why do you have to ruin everything?” She quarreled from embarrassment.

 

“Oh _I’m_ sorry, did I not just give you, like, five mind-blowing orgasms right now? I’m such a ruiner.”

 

“They were okay.”

 

“I’m pretty sure you don’t squirt when they’re just _okay_ ,” I pushed my face up to hers and kissed her ear annoyingly.

 

“Do you think you’re cute or something?” She continued to fight with me.

 

“I think _you’re_ cute,” I kissed her down her jaw to her collarbones. “I think you’re so beautiful.”

 

“Then you must think you’re beautiful,” she responded with a snide comment.

 

“Touché, Sare.” I was about to lower my trails of kisses until she interrupted me.

 

“Okay, enough!” Sara became impatient and laughed at how persistently difficult I could be. “Come here, baby. Please?” I let her pull my hips this time and helped her as she guided my body to her mouth.

 

I straddled her face and my thighs were on either sides of her. I was too self-conscious to put all my weight on her as I knelt; I had never done this before and had a million self-conscious thoughts running in my head. So this is how Sara felt when she was uncomfortable.

 

I knew she could sense my awkwardness as she held my bum and kissed the insides of my thighs. “You can put more pressure on me, Tee. You’re not hurting me.”

 

I gave in to her grip and spread my legs a little more as I sat on her face. Once she noticed I was a little more comfortable she ran her tongue from my opening to my clit, making my breaths hitch a little deeper.

 

“Is this okay?” Sara asked caringly as she reached for my hand. Sometimes I didn’t understand why she asked when she knew I liked it, I guess she just really wanted to make sure. Her other hand wandered to my ribs and to my breasts as she continued to suck a little harder on my clit, getting a rhythm now.

 

“Ugh, fuck.” Sara listened to my grunts as she pleased me. I unintentionally grinded my hips and pushed myself harder on her face, but she didn’t seem to care in the slightest. Her tongue flicks were becoming so much that I could barely hold myself up if I tried, and she kept pressing my hips down harder onto her mouth.

 

“Is that good, baby?” She asked again and dipped her tongue inside me and traced her fingers along my lips. “Mmm, your pussy tastes so good,” I jerked as she said the words, adrenaline rushing through my core.

 

She was making my body shaky now, and she knew she had me close to the edge. I latched on to the headboard and raked the fingertips of my other hand into her hair, pulling it hard.

 

I could feel the saltiness of my sweat as it coated my face and fell on my tongue as I licked my lips. Sara’s touch had me overwhelmed with pleasure and my tormented whimpers made it clear to her.

 

“Mmm, Sara! Oh fuck!” I screamed as I jerked to pull away from her mouth, but she pulled my hips down harder against her face. Fuck, she felt so good and she knew what she was doing to me.

 

“Grind that pussy on my face, baby. I’m gonna make you come so hard,” she murmured hotly between my thighs, lapping her tongue against my clit and she had my blood buzzing.

 

Sara grabbed my hand that I had gripping so hard onto the headboard and held it sweetly as she continued to fuck me with her tongue so indecently. I could barely handle it now that I had my body leaned forward and her hand pinned overhead as I used mine to keep myself up.

 

I squeezed her hand hard and Sara moaned heavily, so turned on that I was about to come so hard in her mouth. She gripped my stomach as I clenched it and trembled my hips uncontrollably against her. I shrieked frantically and my heart was pounding, body tense as I screamed Sara’s name and rode out my orgasm on her. My body naturally wanted to jut away but she had me held down so hard as her rhythm slowed.

 

She had me feeling ecstasy and bliss between my thighs. I watched the pleasure seared on her face when I started to squirt in her mouth. She continued to eat my pussy even as I started to come down from my high and her face was slicked with my arousal. “Oh, Sara,” I breathed her name softly as we kept our hands in each other’s. “It feels so good.”

 

“I love making you feel good, baby,” she husked as she appreciated me, holding me by the thighs and laying my body overtop of hers so I could rest now, chest to chest. “Come here.”

 

“I could stay like this forever,” I rested my head on her shoulder. Her arms tightly wrapped around my waist and our sweat-slicked bodies intertwined with one another.

 

“I could kiss you forever,” she whispered as she kissed every inch of my face slowly and making me laugh. We were getting corny now but I didn’t care in the slightest. “You tasted really good.”

 

“Mmm, thank you,” I kissed her mouth once she complimented me and licked my lips. “I can taste me on you.”

 

“That’s hot.” Sara giggled as she said it, pulling me in tighter. “What time is it?”

 

“Let me check my phone,” I started to get up and Sara clung to me like a little kid.

 

“No!” She held me and kissed my cheeks. “There’s a clock on the night table, you don’t have to get up.”

 

“You know, eventually we’re gonna have to get dressed and get out of bed,” I reasoned with her.

 

“You’re such a downer,” Sara teased me as she continued to overwhelm my face with affection. “But before we get dressed I get to shower with you.”

 

“You’ve got it all planned out, huh? Who says you’re showering with me?”

 

“Me.”

 

“Oh, so I have no say in this?” I joked along, pinching her waist.

 

“Nope.”

 

“Man, that’s unfortunate. Damn,” she giggled at my terrible sarcasm and looked at the clock by the bedside table.

 

“We have an hour, baby. It’s six.”

 

“Plenty of time,” I smiled up at her. “Haven’t you looked at me enough, Sara, when are you going to look at this penthouse suite?!”

 

Sara gave me an offended expression and finally looked around, “Oh.” She was in awe. “Holy shit!”

 

I couldn’t help but laugh at her absent mind.

 

“That’s better. Okay, come shower with me.”


	58. Unanticipated

**Sara**

I can’t believe I overlooked this hotel. It was freaking jaw dropping; and that’s an understatement. I can’t even begin to explain the beauty of this penthouse even with my profusely copious lexicon.

 

Scenic. Picturesque. State of the art.

 

Nope, none of them are doing this place justice. I haven’t even seen the whole place yet!

 

I sat in my towel on the marble countertop in the enormous high-end bathroom as I watched Tegan figure out how the shower worked. There were several showerheads placed over top of a huge tub and so many knobs that I didn’t even know where to start, so I let her play around with it while I just sat pretty, being of zero use.

 

“Got it!” Tegan exclaimed and was proud of herself for figuring out how the shower worked and adjusted the temperature of the water.

 

Tegan must have expected me to be excited with her, but I was pretty Zen right now—I guess I get that way after sex. She looked at me and waited for me to say something, but instead I let an awkward silence happen as I just happily smiled at her. I watched her smile to herself as she let the water run and started to walk up to me.

 

“You just gonna sit there and watch or are you gonna come in?” She held me by the insides of my knees, putting herself between my legs.

 

“I’m coming in,” I smiled.

 

“Yeah?” She laughed again at my indolent body language and fingered the fold of my towel that was keeping my covered. “When?”

 

“When you get out of the way and let me,” I leaned into her and held her wrists.

 

She kissed my hands and made her way to my collarbones as she undid the towel and undressed me.

 

“That’s right, just blame me all the time.” Tegan pulled me up off of the counter and stood me up, kissing my mouth before she pulled me into the shower with her.

 

**Tegan**

 

We fooled around a bit but couldn’t for too long since we only have an hour until we had to meet everyone for dinner. It was nice to have a day off, especially since we just arrived here today, but I couldn’t wait to do another show with Sara. Despite all of the things that her and I have gone through and having to take everyone through it with us, I have really enjoyed doing this tour so far. Going from hotel to hotel and city to city with Sara and the band and new friends has been really nice. Again, despite the terrible things that have happened. Being in all these romantic places with Sara and being alone with her most of the time sort of feels like we’re having a honeymoon or something.

 

Fuck, I already dropped the girlfriend bomb yesterday. No way in hell am I slipping and mentioning that weird-ass thought to her.

 

“Hey, Tee,” she knocked me out from my thoughts as I ran conditioner through the ends of my hair. “My face is up here.”

 

I guess I was gawking at her breasts, oops. I can’t help it when she looks like that all naked and wet. “Sorry,” I apologized and went back to washing my hair.

 

“I’m kidding!” She nudged me, caressing my skin and lingering her touch. “Wow, somebody’s deep in thought.”

 

I could feel my smile growing bigger.

 

“No, no. It’s nothing. I mean—yeah, I guess I was in thought, but it’s nothing serious.”

 

“So what are you thinking about in that pretty head of yours, hmm?” She asked casually as she held my hips, wearing nothing but the most innocent smile.

 

“I’m just really happy.” God, was I the sap out of the two of us? Sara would never be this transparent with me.

 

“Awww!” Sara let her reaction carry in echoes as she was sincerely flattered. “Is that what you think about when you’re staring at my boobs?”

 

“Ha, yeah well…they’re really nice.” _Tegan. Just stop talking. For the love of God. Stop._

Sara laughed at my gracelessness and looked in my eyes. “Why were you thinking that, baby?”

 

It took me a second to realize she was talking about my thoughts, not me complimenting her breasts.

 

“Uh, no reason. I know bad things have happened, but I couldn’t ask for a better love than you.”

 

“Oh,” Sara was so praised and caught off guard that that’s what I was thinking. She probably thought I was thinking about something actually serious. “I agree with you, Tee. You can’t have anything worthwhile without a little risk. I’m really happy, too.”

 

“I’m looking forward to tomorrow with you,” I smiled at her.

 

“Me, too.”

 

\--

 

**Emy**

We sat at the restaurant in the hotel (which by the way was freaking classy) and were just waiting on Sara and Tegan to come join us. They messaged me that they were almost here, so we were expecting them any minute now. Colin ordered a bottle of red wine for us all when the waiter came around.

 

Jasper and Ted were asking about the other night with Stacy and Sara and what exactly had happened. We decided to tell them even though it really wasn’t our story to tell. They knew about Stacy, err…Lindsey…taking advantage of Sara, but not that it was _actually_ Lindsey. So we told them that detail.

 

Did that make any sense?

 

It was hard to wrap my head around, too. I didn’t believe in paranormal things until I witnessed that. Poor Sara, I don’t think Tegan ever told her, even still; it would be too much for her right now. I couldn’t imagine what I’d do if I found out. That’s not only violation, but just horrifying when you add the possession into it.

 

“Hi!” Sara put her hands on my shoulders and startled me. Tegan pulled out the seat across from us for herself and then the other for Sara.

 

I don’t think she heard anything.

 

“Hope you guys weren’t waiting too long, sorry we’re a little late,” Sara apologized as she sat down. They were only a few minutes late; it was really nothing.

 

Of course I have to point out that Sara looks absolutely beautiful tonight, but I see the way she looks at Tegan and I’m okay with that. I really am happy for her, I’m happy for _them_. They’re my friends. I love them both dearly. And especially after seeing people trying to get in the way of their relationship, I’m okay with where Sara and I are right now. More than okay. Her and I still love each other very much and we’ll never forget what we had together.

 

We have a different kind of love and we still tell each other everything.

 

That doesn’t mean that I don’t watch their every move when they’re together. Who doesn’t? Their relationship is still brand new to everyone, and it’s still very interesting to me. They were in public and couldn’t be too obvious right now, but it was _so_ clear in the looks they exchanged and the way they spoke and took care of each other. I feel like they just weren’t that good at hiding it.

 

Sara seemed to be doing a lot better today, though, especially after we got off the bus, too. Tegan must be really good at making feel better and taking her mind off things. What a lucky girl, I remember when that used to be me. I was glad to see her smiling face, though.

 

That’s the main thing that mattered.

 

We ordered our food once our drinks came and spent the time immersed in good conversation, not bringing up the incident with Sara and Stacy. Sara and Tegan were so excited to play tomorrow’s show and pulled out the set list, breaking it down a bit and adding in where they were going to speak and whatnot. It was always so fascinating seeing how they went through all of this.

 

The conversation slowed once our food came, which I already figured was going to be delicious. We made plans to all hang out tonight at Sara and Tegan’s penthouse suite, but made sure to keep it an early night since they had an early morning for the show.

 

Once we finished our dinner, we paid the bill and got on our way. Each of us had the slightest buzz if at all and that was it for drinks. Sara, being the lightweight of Tegan and all of us, was acting very bubbly as she walked backwards and goofed around with Tegan, squeezing and poking her lovingly. I couldn’t quite make out what she was joking about with her, but Sara was really playful, only paying attention to Tegan and none to her surroundings. Tegan was the more alert of the two, still distracted by Sara’s adorableness.

 

But still present.

 

I could hear Sara laughing endlessly, somewhat distracting me from Colin talking to me about something. I looked from Sara to Tegan and noticed her staring right at me. She was barely listening to Sara now or paying attention to her. And Sara barely noticed. Tegan kept looking at me, stunned or shocked by something and trying to not have Sara notice her expression.

 

“Tegan! Don’t look at Emy, pay attention to meee!” Sara finally noticed, but couldn’t see Tegan’s face the way I could. “Tegan!” she continued to pester her annoyingly.

 

I didn’t understand what had Tegan stopped dead in her tracks. Sara stopped walking backwards and was so absent-minded now to notice anything was actually wrong with Tegan. Just that she stopped paying attention to her.

 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I stopped walking now. I looked beyond Sara and saw what had Tegan so frozen.

 

“What, Emy?” Only Colin could hear my voice as I spoke so quietly, and just as terrorized as Tegan.

 

Stacy.

 

“Oh my god, Emy, do something. Go distract Sara. Now.” I listened to Colin’s words and knew what to do even before he told me. Tegan was in such shock that she could barely react or move.

 

Colin and I had to do something.

 

“Sara!” I tried to sound as cheerful as possible and not have my terror show, “You’re crazy, how are you buzzed off of one glass of wine?”

 

Sara let out an innocent giggle, taking herself out of Tegan’s embrace as she came in to hug me. “I’m drunk on Tegan.”

 

As cute as that response was, I had to do my best to distract her from seeing Stacy. She was _right_ there, sitting on the couch in the lobby.

 

Staring Sara down.

 

“Hey Sara, you and Emy go upstairs to your suite. I have something I need to talk to Tegan about,” Colin saved me when I had no idea what else to say.

 

“Is it another surprise or because she owes you fifteen thousand euros?” Sara quipped as she rested her sleepy head on my shoulder.

 

“Funny, Sara. I’ll see you girls in a bit.” Colin tried his best not to seem rushed or stressed. He shot me an urgent look to get Sara out of the lobby as soon as possible. As soon as Colin was out of Sara’s sight I watched him bolt over to Tegan and grab her. She looked like she was about to break down.

 

Tegan had to be strong for her and Sara right now.

 

I darted over to the elevators with Sara arm in arm with me. Ted and Jasper I assumed were heading back to our suite while I went with Sara to hers. I didn’t know how long I could keep this up for; I was terrible at lying and Sara knew me well enough to know when I wasn’t being honest.

 

And unfortunately, Sara wasn’t _that_ drunk, she just acted bubbly like that because she’s just so smitten by Tegan. She had been since they came down to eat dinner with us. They must been having sex the whole time they were in the suite. Ugh, there are more important things than that right now, my mind never fails to go to there.

 

“Emy?”

 

I felt a nudge to my arm and I totally jumped. It was just Sara. The elevator doors were open and I must have just been standing there carried away in my own thoughts.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” she gestured toward the open doors. “Come, my suite is just down here.”

 

She didn’t say much as we walked through the hallway and I stood there, still arm in arm with her as she opened her room door.

 

“Emy, you okay?” Sara asked, concern in her eyes as she let me walk in first.

 

“Yeah,” I shook my head of all my thoughts. “I’m sorry, Sare. Yeah, I’m good. Everything’s good.”

 

She could read me so well; Sara knows me better than most. I tried not to make eye contact with her but I could feel her burning a hole in the back of my head, a smirk on her face.

 

“I don’t believe you.”

 

Silence.

 

_Don’t look at her, don’t look at her._

My head shot back at her and I flashed her my most awkward expression. Fuck. This isn’t going well at all. “Sara, I’m fine!” My voice pitched a little higher than it should have.

 

“It’s okay,” Sara leaned in to hug me and rub my back. “You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong, I’ll see if I can cheer you up anyway.”

 

Oh my God. She completely disregarded that I was hiding something from her. She thinks its something that’s bugging _me_. I feel guilty keeping this from her. It’s for her own good, I keep trying to tell myself.

 

“Let’s share a bottle of wine, does that sound like a good idea?” Sara asked. God, she’s so genuine. I feel awful.

 

I need to text Tegan.

 

“I’ve got red, you love red, Em.” Sara smiled and spoke again, trying to tempt me.

 

“Yeah,” I smiled back and took the wine glass she handed to me. “You’re awesome, Sare. Thanks.”

 

“Well, you can’t hide anything from me if you tried.”

 

“I suppose you’re right,” I giggled nervously, feeling so terrible with myself.

 

Sara sat down on the large L-shaped couch and got comfortable, taking small sips from her wine. I pulled out my phone with my free hand and texted Tegan.

 

_Emy: Are you safe? I’m here in your room with Sara. I’m trying my best to distract her. I hope you’re okay, Tee. I’m so sorry this is happening._

I put my phone back into my pocket and sat down next to Sara.

 

“Cheers, Em. To how lucky I am to have someone in my life as great as you.”

 

“Aw stop, you’re going to make me cry!” She was beyond sweet today, or maybe it was just my guilty conscience seeping in. “So, Sare…” I decided I’d go for the obvious that would get her talking forever, “…tell me about you and Tegan. She’s crazy about you, huh?”

 

Sara smiled reticently at the fact that I brought that up. “You want to hear about Tegan and I?”

 

“Yeah. I’ve already had Tegan talk my ear off about how happy you make her. She loves you so much, Sare.”

 

“She said that?” Sara looked surprised.

 

“That she loves you?” I laughed, “Of course, did you think she didn’t?”

 

“Well, I knew that, I just didn’t know she goes around saying it. Isn’t it still a little…strange?”

 

“You guys are happy. That’s all that matters.” I justified. I mean, my feelings for Sara aside, it was true.

 

“Well, not everybody thinks that way. If only it were that easy. The fans are going to find out someday. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but inevitable it’s going to happen. Tegan and I both know it, and she’s terrified of ever having to see that day.”

 

“Tegan told me that Sonia found out; I think that’s the hardest and that already happened. I can’t even imagine how that went over. But I can tell you this—a lot of your fans are going to love you two regardless. They always do.”

 

“I want to trust you on that, but I have no idea what’s going to happen. That’s our career on the line,” Sara worried.

 

“Trust me, Sare,” I promised.

 

“I’ll take your word, Em.” Sara took another sip of her wine, clearly reminiscing about something as she giggled. “She slipped up and called me her girlfriend the other day. I can’t get my mind off of it. She was really embarrassed, but I thought it was adorable.”

 

“Tell her to make it official already,” I joked.

 

“I did hint at it,” she jested. “That’d be a term I’d have to get used to. We just…are what we are right now, you know?”

 

“Yeah, of course it’s a completely different and uncommon situation.”

 

“Uncommon, strange, unanticipated…”

 

There was an disturbing noise at the door and a lot of sudden, uncontrollable banging. The sounds startled Sara and she nearly dropped her wine all over the couch. She set it onto the table and shot her hands to my arm, uneasy and refined.

 

I didn’t like the looks of this. The cries coming from behind the door sounded like Tegan’s, and I knew Sara recognized them like the back of her hand. “That’s Tegan,” she squeezed my forearm. “She’s trying to get in, she doesn’t sound okay.” Sara became anxious as she heard her card rustling in and out of the suite room door.

 

“Oh god, please no.”

 

The door busted open and I watched Tegan as she slammed Stacy and darted in before her. I knew she was right there with her once I heard Tegan so traumatized like that.

 

Colin was nowhere in sight.

 

Tegan bolted straight to Sara. She lurched up out of my arms and ran to her as soon as she saw it was her who was trying to come in.

 

“Baby, you’re not safe here!” Tegan squeezed Sara by her waist and pushed her to the other room while Sara had a death grip on Tegan’s shoulders. “Hide! Go! Please baby, go!”

 

A look of terror filled Sara’s face once she made eye contact with Stacy, tears about to run down her face. “Tegan…” she breathed in a fractured voice, “Where’s Colin?”

 

“Go, baby, please!” Tegan ran with her to get her somewhere she couldn’t be seen. “Colin’s dead.”


	59. Rebirth

**Tegan**

I took a double-take at the girl sitting on the lobby’s couches as Sara yapped away about I don’t know what anymore. I was stunned, but why was I? Of course she knew where we were going to be.

 

Of course _she_ was going to find us.

 

My eyes flickered over to Emy, and she eventually clued in to what it was that was terrorizing me. “Tegan! Don’t look at Emy, pay attention to meee!” Sara beamed in a buzzed and bubbly voice.

 

I watched Emy freak out, and then Colin. My heart was beating so fast out of fear that I couldn’t process much more of what was happening.

 

I felt frozen as Sara came in to hug me, scarcely noticing her touch.

 

“Sara!” Emy’s voice blurred through my mind watching her run up to us, “You’re crazy, how are you buzzed off of one glass of wine?”

 

“I’m drunk on Tegan,” I heard her say, fearful and wishing I could be as happy-go-lucky as her right now.

 

But I’m terrified; I couldn’t take my eyes off of _her._

Colin paced over and interjected. “Hey Sara, you and Emy go upstairs to your suite. I have something I need to talk to Tegan about.”

 

“Is it another surprise or because she owes you fifteen thousand euros?” I listened to the tinge of comicality in her voice. I just wanted my girl to be safe again. I didn’t want to leave her side.

 

She has no idea what’s going on.

 

“Funny, Sara. I’ll see you girls in a bit.” Colin stayed firm as Emy walked away with Sara towards the elevators.

 

It hurt to let go of her like that.

 

My heart began to sink; this felt like the end. This was the end. I watched Sara walk carelessly away from me and Stacy closer to me.

 

“Tegan, stay with me. It’s going to be okay,” Colin firmed. I don’t know, he sounded nervous and distraught himself.

 

“Colin,” I breathed weak, almost as a question and wanting to cry. I wanted to tell him I was scared. I was terrified, my body paralyzed. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know whether I should have run away or stay. God knows I’d be a fucking idiot to try and fight her again.

 

She walked right up to me that I could feel her breath on my face. Colin was about to push her back gently to stop her from coming into my personal space until she just stood there, still. She wanted to touch me; I could read her so easily.

 

“Thought he got rid of me, Tegan?”

 

Stacy looked at me, eyes piercing and I couldn’t bear to look away. I couldn’t bear to respond, either.

 

I was so frozen.

 

In shock.

 

Speechless.

 

I didn’t want to come off as weak, but I was almost certain my terror was pounding through my attempted-tough exterior. I watched her as she smiled devilishly and caressed my cheek at my lack of response, to which Colin interjected and brushed her hand away from my face.

 

“Don’t touch her, Lindsey.”

 

I felt a tear birth from my eye—the amount of times someone’s had to tell her that. I spoke slowly and pathetic, voice barely a whisper. “Why can’t you just leave us alone?”

 

“Where did your sister go?” She ignored my question. No sympathy—clearly just having one thing on her mind.

 

“ _Sara_ left,” I emphasized her name, offended by the fact that she keeps referring to her as my sister like she’s some kind of object. “I don’t want her to see you.”

 

“You don’t think she can handle it. That’s so sweet of you, always trying to protect her. You know, you can’t protect her forever, Tegan, baby.”

 

“ _Don’t_ call me that,” I emphasized again, feeling like I was about to snap any minute. She looked me up and down and started to walk away towards the elevator, making me nervous and causing me to unintentionally run after her. “Hey! Where do you think you’re going?” I pulled at her arm, angrier. “I said I _don’t_ want her to see you.”

 

“Do you think I’m stupid?” She talked down to me, “Of course I know you don’t want her to see me, but _I_ wanna see her.”

 

“Lindsey, I’m begging you.” I was so weak now, frustrated and exhausted. “Please don’t fucking do this. _Please._ ”

 

Why did I think she would listen? She didn’t listen. Instead, she kept walking, regardless of if we followed or not. “No, no, no,” I cried, latching onto her arm as she walked away from me. “Please stop, Lindsey.”

 

“I can use the elevator, or I can use the stairs. Either way, I’m seeing her, whether you guys follow me or not. And I know Colin has a gun on him, which _I know_ you’re not going to use.” She turned to him, “because I scare you.”

 

She looked away and stepped into the closing doors. Colin forced the doors from closing and bolted in and I followed.

 

My phone buzzed just as I stepped in and I pulled it out from my pocket with shaking hands.

 

It was Emy.

 

_Emy: Are you safe? I’m here in your room with Sara. I’m trying my best to distract her. I hope you’re okay, Tee. I’m so sorry this is happening._

“Give me that,” Lindsey snatched my phone out of my hands before I could do anything.

 

“No! Give that back!” I threw my body at her without thinking and she shot back at me with a lot of force. Colin had his hands on her to keep her from seriously hurting me but not enough to threaten her. Her focus was on me.

 

“Don’t you dare fucking touch me, Tegan.” Her eyes blazed while she looked at me dead in the eyes. “Oh Emy, I should tell her we’re on our way.”

 

I didn’t listen; I still kept my grip tight on her. “I hate you, Lindsey. Give me my phone back.”

 

“Oh, you know what’s a better idea?” Lindsey let out an evil laugh and searched around on my phone. “Let’s tell your fans what you and Sara have been up to.”

 

“Fuck you!” I snatched my phone away and pressed myself into the other corner of the elevator. Away from her.

 

“I think they should know,” she pressed her body against me and reached her hands behind my back, trying to grab my phone.

 

“No! Get off of me!”

 

“Tee,” she caught me off guard. “Aren’t you wondering why Colin isn’t coming to help you?”

 

Oh my god.

 

“Colin!” I gasped, watching him as he laid borderline unconscious on the floor. “What did you do to him?!”

 

She didn’t say a word.

 

“Colin!” I ran over and held his face. “Look at me! Say something!”

 

“I’m okay. I just can’t move my legs. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Colin spoke so lethargically that I started to panic. “Don’t worry about me…be careful, Tegan. Watch out for Lindsey. I’m so sorry.”

 

“No, no, no! Please get up!” I shook my head in denial, trying to pull him up off the floor.

 

“Don’t bother, Tegan. He’ll be okay in a bit. He’s not gonna die or anything.” Lindsey pulled me up, latched one hand against my lower back and the other in my hand that was attached to my phone. “Unless you don’t do as I say.”

 

“It’s mine, get off of me!”

 

She cupped my jaw and her face was too close to mine, making me seriously uncomfortable. “I think it’s time everyone knew the truth, don’t you?”

 

“That’s our business, not anyone else’s.”

 

“But your precious Colin over there murdered me, slowly, watched me burn alive and so did you. And you didn’t do anything to stop him. My death is everyone’s business.”

 

“I’m not sorry.”

 

“I know you’re not, Tegan. I’m not sorry, either.” She caught me off guard, what was she talking about exactly?

 

She had so much to be sorry about.

 

Just as I was in mid-thought, Lindsey slammed me against the wall of the elevator mirror and took my phone away from me. “Try to steal this back and I stab him.”

 

That slam was excruciating on my head, I was screaming now. “Fuck off with your empty threats, Lindsey! You have no weapon on you! Give me my phone!” I tried to take my phone back when she pulled out a knife and I slammed myself back against the mirror again.

 

“It’s no empty threat. You know I’ll do it if you lay a hand on me.”

 

Okay, I was still now. She wasn’t joking around. With Colin almost unconscious it was basically just she and I in here. I started to panic again when she looked through my phone.

 

“Instagram, I think I should post _this_ one on here.” She turned the screen to my face had her finger on “Share”.

 

“No!” Without thinking, I flung myself at her and readied my hands to take my phone from her.

 

“I said don’t touch me!” She threw my phone at me and took out her knife and grabbed Colin’s body.

 

“No, no, no!” I cried; I knew she was going to do it regardless of anything in my power. Lindsey held her knife up and stabbed Colin right below his collarbone and his ribs.

 

“Stop it!” I broke down and tried to pull her away from him. “You’re killing him, Lindsey, stop!” Lindsey looked so savage and uncivilized.

 

It was no use pulling her off of Colin no matter how hard I tried, until she got up herself as soon as she heard the bell chime that the doors were about to open.

 

“This is Sara’s floor,” she stated nonchalantly and took my hand. “Come.”

 

“Lindsey, no!” I tried to break free of her grip, but with my other hand I checked my phone and shrieked. “No, no, no, oh my god!” I bawled out harder, trying to press _delete_ but I had no cell service. “How could you?!”

**Sara**

“Baby, you’re not safe here! Hide! Go! Please baby, go!” Tegan’s petrified voice rang in my ears, it all happened so fast and I could feel her pressure on my body as she pushed me away from the door.

 

I saw the cause to her distress and became frantic. I felt extremely uncomfortable; I didn’t even have any recollection of seeing her that other night. Just my traumatized memories.

 

Stacy.

 

Any trace of alcohol in my bloodstream was insignificant now because I sobered up so fast. “Tegan!” I exhaled out quick in a panic while Stacy’s face stopped me dead in my tracks, only moving because Tegan wouldn’t stop pushing me backward. “Where’s Colin?!”

 

Tegan shoved me harder, trying to urge me out of Stacy’s sight so she couldn’t hurt me. I assumed that was why, or she wanted to take advantage of me again. “Go, baby, please! Colin’s dead.”

“What?” My voice cracked and I immediately let out uncontrollable sobs, shrieking now. “No. No he’s not, Tegan. He’s not dead.” I shook my head back and forth, denial. This can’t be happening right now.

 

This is too much for me to handle.

 

“She stabbed him. Stacy stabbed him,” Tegan voiced in fragments with her grip so tightly on me. “I’m not gonna let her touch you, baby. I’m sorry, I’m _so_ sorry.”

 

“ _Stabbed_ him?” My voice was weak and eyes vulnerable. I couldn’t bare myself to see her face again. “No, no, no, this isn’t happening!” I finally hit a wall and collapsed to the floor. Tegan fell down with me as I shook my head uncontrollably and worked to wipe my tears.

 

“Yes, Sara.” Stacy walked up to us slowly and calmly. “I stabbed him. I told Tegan not to fight me or else Colin will get it. You wanna know why she didn’t listen to me, Sara?”

 

“How can you be so cruel, Stacy? How could you do that to Colin? How could you hurt _me_ like that?” I was terrified to be face to face with her right now as I asked a million rhetorical questions that weren’t her own.

 

“I think my question’s a little more interesting,” Stacy reached into her back pocket and took out her phone. No wait, that was _Tegan’s_ phone. Tegan tightened her grip around me as Stacy waved it in front of my face. “Hey, _Tee,”_ she condescended. “Why don’t you tell Sara yourself?”

 

Tegan let out a strangled cry and, if I wasn’t mistaken, another skew of apologies as she pressed her face into my chest. Her tears hit my cold skin and this was all becoming more and more real if it hadn’t hit me a minute ago.

 

Stacy turned the screen towards her again and was scrolling through something. “‘Always had a feeling something was up…I can’t believe they actually admitted it…I thought they had girlfriends? They were beards I guess… Oh my god, they’re finally out of the sister closet…They’re incestual?! No way…I still love them regardless’ _…_ Aw, that one’s sweet, huh? Don’t worry, there’s a lot more good ones in here.”

 

I held Tegan closer to me and wanted to cry, but I felt like I had nothing in me. “No, you wouldn’t do that.” Denial again while Tegan bawled hysterically into me. Shock. Disbelief. She didn’t just do that. “You’re lying.”

 

“Well, I was scrolling through Tegan’s pictures on her phone and saw this really cute one,” Stacy turned the phone to me and showed me a photo of Tegan and me. I took it the night after Stacy hurt me and Tegan surprised me with a date to take my mind off of it. It was just before sunset. I remember grabbing her phone from her while she was running with me up the hill, and I stopped her so we could take a picture together. She kissed me, eyes closed and in the moment and I had my eyes open to the camera to take the photo.

 

I had that hopelessly-in-love smile in my eyes.

 

And there it was for everyone to see. Stacy posted it to all our social media accounts.

 

I inhaled sharp and shrieked as I tried to snatch Tegan’s phone from her. “Why would you do that?! Delete it! Delete that fucking picture! I hate you! I hate you! Give me her fucking phone, Stacy!”

 

Tegan was holding onto me tight, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. She had already given up, “I’m sorry, Sare. I’m sorry.”

 

“Aww. Come on, it could have been worse; this one’s cute of you two. You look so happy together. Don’t you want everyone to see how happy you make each other?”

 

“I knew I shouldn’t have forgiven you for what you did to Tegan. That night you and Lindsey took advantage of her. I don’t know who you are anymore—you’re just like _her.”_

 

Stacy let out an obnoxious laugh that was so disdainful towards me. She looked to Tegan, as if she was waiting for her to say something. “Oh, you didn’t tell her? You’re so sweet trying to protect little Sasa,” Stacy sounded beyond arrogant as she brushed my arm and Tegan pushed her.

 

“Don’t talk to her like that and don’t you dare fucking touch her!” Tegan growled.

 

“Didn’t tell me what, Tee?” I looked at her with tears in my eyes; I wasn’t sure where to focus my thoughts right now. Tegan could barely look at me, but I saw guilt all over. “Tee?” I shook her gently.

 

“Go ahead, Tegan. Why don’t you tell her what you’ve been hiding from her?” Stacy was clearly trying to get a rise out of me, but I wasn’t going to let her get to me.

 

“What is it, baby?” I reached for her hand and clasped it in mine shakily; I tried to calm her down but I wasn’t even calm myself. “Tee, talk to me. Please,” I started to beg; a little more worried now.

 

Okay. A lot.

 

Tegan gripped my hand harder as she started to break down, refusing to talk as she shook her head profusely from side to side.

 

“Tegan, _please,_ ” I begged.

 

“That’s not Stacy,” Tegan finally choked out.

 

My hand went limp in hers. “What?”

 

“I’m not your precious Stacy, Sara.” She watched my speechless reaction and I didn’t know what to make of those words; I didn’t understand. She laughed demonically and reached to caress my face.

 

Tegan snapped.

 

“I said don’t _fucking_ touch her, Lindsey!”

 

I shrieked as soon as she said that name. Panic. Anxiety shot through my core and I jolted my head up at Stacy, who was staring at me dead in the eyes.

 

“See, Tegan—now was that so hard?”

 

“Lindsey?” I repeated her name as I looked into her void eyes, trying to understand. I was really scared now.

 

“Maybe I’ll explain some of this to you so you’re not so confused, Sasa.”

 

This doesn’t happen in real life. This is impossible. It’s all just a terrible dream.

 

“So last weekend was my funeral and Stacy came, of course. Everyone was so distraught that I was dead and nobody knew how it happened—there weren’t even any suspicions. People were really surprised you weren’t there to say your goodbyes to me, Tegan, and that you weren’t there with Stacy,” she looked at me hard as she spoke about herself in the third person. At least that’s how I saw it.

 

“When you die, you just sort of…wander aimlessly as a spirit; an energy if you will. At least until you are able to reincarnate, which usually is into a newborn body, but I didn’t want to do that. Now that energy holds a lot of power. I watched over people—I heard them, I saw them—and I had the benefit of being able to influence other people through this so-called energy.

 

“Stacy was an easy target; sweet girl, easy to manipulate. I got her to help me out that night I brought you back to my room, Tegan,” she laughed shamelessly and Tegan flinched at the recollection of that memory. “And I wanted Stacy; I knew I could sway her actions when she was as depressed as she was on the day of my funeral. With your breakup and my death and all, she felt like nobody wanted her.

 

“So I followed her back to her house and I decided to play around with the aura a bit, to put it lightly. She got so fucked up and miserable that she went upstairs and grabbed her sheets. She walked into her closet, wrapped them around her neck and stood on a chair. She tied the other end to a hook on the ceiling and, well…”

 

All of what Tegan said to me about how she didn’t trust Stacy came flooding in. The moonlight from the window shone in right on her neck.

 

I remembered what Tegan said to me that night she was acting so strange and paranoid.

 

_You didn’t see them, are you that absent-minded?! They were all around her neck! She had these…burns or scars…like she tried to hang herself._

I let out a strangled cry as Tegan held me. “No!” I screamed repeatedly in denial as I pushed myself further back against the wall and trying to back myself away from her. I was terrified of her and so was Tegan; I could feel it in our body language as we held on to each other with no idea what to do.

 

This was our last minute together.

 

I squeezed her hand so tight at that thought and felt the purest form of love and fear in that moment.

 

“I don’t think you need me to finish that thought; I think you know who I am, Sara. Then I made Tegan’s life a living hell when you let me stay with you guys on tour,” she chuckled, satisfied with herself. “Then Tegan beat the shit out of me at the beach that day, and you took me back to the hotel,” she looked me up and down in a way that made me feel absolutely disgusting. “And you felt so fucking good.”

 

I flinched again and shrieked hard. I felt sickened and nauseated in the pit of my stomach. That wasn’t Stacy who touched me; it was Lindsey. That’s what Tegan didn’t want to tell me and the thought of it absolutely terrified me. I curled up into a ball and cried harder and harder into my sister.

 

“Why is this happening?” I sobbed loud and all I had getting me through this was Tegan holding me, if we were even going to get through this.

 

Emy was long gone by now and I noticed once I took my head off of Tegan’s chest. I can’t believe she just left. She wouldn’t just do that to us like that. She couldn’t. That’s not the Emy I know.

 

I wanted to give up.

 

Colin’s dead. Stacy’s dead. The public knows about Tegan and I’s relationship and Lindsey is still here to make our lives a living hell.

 

I was speechless from the shock I was in.

 

Whether or not Lindsey was trying to kill us I didn’t know, but my thoughts were so scattered on everything that was happening that if she tried to kill me I wouldn’t flinch. I would barely have a reaction; I feel like I had become desensitized because I just took so much in tonight that I was forced to handle it.

 

Tegan’s going to be in my next life.

 

Maybe in that life we can be free together and no one will care if we’re collected romantically. The taboo will be removed and people will see just how pure our love is for each other. Maybe in that life I’ll shout my love to the rooftops for her and never have to worry about who was going to hear it; maybe we’d never have to hide.

 

“I love you, Tegan.”

 

Tegan looked up at me, hurt, shaking her head traumatically. “Don’t say that, it’s not over, Sare. I won’t let it be over.”

 

Her words were interrupted by a strangled gasp. We unlocked our eyes on each other and Lindsey’s asphyxiation snapped us out of our goodbyes. Before I could comprehend that Colin was choking her and that he was alive, Emy shoved her body into us and pulled us up off the floor.

 

“Colin!” I yelled, bursting with excitement that he was okay.

 

“Sara, go!” Emy reprimanded.

 

“No, I want to watch. I want to hurt her as much as she hurt me.”

 

“You can watch, but don’t touch her; he thinks he can get Stacy back.”

 

I squeezed Emy and Tegan’s hands as they stood on either sides of me. “Oh my god,” I gasped as I sobbed and gripped their hands a little tighter. I had so much I wanted to tell Stacy, so much to apologize for. I wanted her to come back so bad. “Stacy, please come back. I’m so sorry.”

 

Tegan looked at me with apologetic eyes, not bothered by my feelings for Stacy anymore. We’d gone through so much for her to care now; besides, Tegan knows very well that she is the love of my life and she couldn’t change that fact if she tried. And I’m glad she knows it.

 

She put her head on my shoulder, hugging me as she once again couldn’t bear to watch Lindsey’s death. Me, on the other hand, couldn’t watch her die enough times. But Colin had a method to his madness as to why he was killing her slowly.

 

I believe I had just witnessed Lindsey’s last breath in Stacy’s body and I swear I could pinpoint the second she left. “Oh my god,” I raised Tegan’s hand over my mouth as I kept it intertwined tight in mine.

 

“Is it over?” A reluctant, closed-eyed Tegan asked.

 

“Yes,” I informed her, watching Colin’s hands stay wrapped around Stacy’s neck as the body twitched. “It’s over.”

 

Colin looked to us, protecting himself with his hands still on her.

 

“Lindsey’s not possessing the body anymore. I think Stacy’s here; I can feel it.” Colin looked at me as I bawled harder into Tegan’s hand, nodding my hand up and down.

 

I can feel it, too.


	60. Dual

Sara  
  
Collapsed to the ground and unconscious, Stacy’s body detached from Colin’s chokehold and she just laid there. Lifeless. A wave of emptiness washed over me as I watched what actually seemed like the Stacy I knew and loved turn unresponsive—it was different watching Lindsey die. Yet a surge of relief rushed through me as well; I really felt like Lindsey was gone for good and Tegan and I couldn’t be harmed anymore, at least any more than we have been already.  
  
“Stacy?” I merely whispered in a weak voice. Tegan grabbed my hand from reaching forward and touching Stacy.  
  
“No baby, wait,” she ordered, uncovering her eyes and terrified.  
  
“Stacy,” Colin spoke firmly. “Lindsey’s gone, you can come back into your body now. She can’t hurt you anymore. I know you’re here. I know you’re in this room.”  
  
Tegan squeezed my hand harder; this was impossible. My heart was racing as if something could actually come out of this, but I was skeptical.  
  
“Stacy,” he repeated. “You’re safe now. This is your body. Come back into it, you have a life you need to start living again.”  
  
“Ow, Tee.”  
  
“She’s coming back, Sare,” she spoke in a monotone without acknowledging the death-grip she had on my hand.  
  
Colin cupped his hand gently around Stacy’s jaw, caressing her cheek. “Stacy, I know you can hear me. You’re safe now.”  
  
Nothing.  
  
Tegan rubbed her fingers into my palm and she could feel my tension just by the prickling of my skin. I watched and stared as Colin stayed confident to bring her back. My body started to shake and weaken.  
  
“Stacy?” My voice came to match as I began to cry. “I miss you.”  
  
Colin repeated his words over and over and through my tear-blurred orbs I could see Stacy’s eyes roll back unresponsively.  
  
She was really gone.  
  
“Stacy!” I shrieked, yelling her name again, impulsively jumping out of Tegan’s intertwined hand and over to Stacy’s dead body. I held one hand on her cold cheek and the other on her hand as I knelt overtop of her. “No, no, you can’t go yet. No!” My voice was weak as I shook my head back and forth, shaking her.  
  
I became frantic. I took a really good look at her; it’s been so long since I had. I had been so caught up on Tegan that I’ve disregarded Stacy ever since I fell for her (Tegan). I ran my thumb over her mouth, noticing my tears falling on her neck.  
  
Oh god, her neck.  
  
“What did she do to you?!” I asked rhetorically and furiously. “Why would she do that?!”  
  
I let my head drop into Stacy’s chest as I cried and cried. I was so disheartened; I wanted to give up. The room was dead silent and I almost forgot everyone was still here; I was too distraught to think about that right now.  
  
“I’m sorry, Stacy, I’m so sorry. I never wanted you to go this way. Please come back.”  
  
Her skin felt so cold to me; this was it. I can’t believe I had let it get to this. I kept my head on her chest and wanted to stay there forever. Fuck, this hurt so badly—I never want anyone else to experience this pain in their lifetime.  
  
Pulse.  
  
My uncontrollably loud cries stopped in a split second.  
  
What?  
  
Did I hear that right?  
  
My chest felt light and my stomach had this giddy sensation, like my body knew something that I didn’t. I think I just heard something I wanted to hear. A heartbeat. False hope. I didn’t understand what was happening as I studied her face. Stacy’s closed eyes tightened a little and I wanted to believe so badly that my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me.  
  
I put my head to her chest again.  
  
And that’s when I realized, it wasn’t.  
  
“Her heart’s beating,” my voice had anxiety in it now as I spoke quickly in disbelief and panic. “Her heart’s beating!”  
  
I couldn’t stop crying. “Oh my god.” This was happening. “Stacy,” I said her name again and pulled her body upright. “Stacy!”  
  
I watched her intently and I swear the only thing filling the room was my rattled heartbeat. “Stacy, please…” I tried to calm myself down, but it was no use, “…please wake up!” My words were fragmented as I shook her body in my hands.  
Her pulse was stabilizing and I wasn’t just imagining things.  
  
Stacy’s alive.  
  
I squeezed her body into mine as hard as humanly possible. Her chest was slowly starting to rise and fall; she was breathing now and my hands were shaking. I ran her soft hair through my fingertips over and over again, until I felt her body move.  
  
“Stacy,” I held her face and stared at her, impatiently waiting for a response now. I knew it was coming soon.  
  
“Stacy.”  
  
She slowly opened her eyes. As soon as she did, she looked shaken up and confused and like she was about to cry. I resisted saying anything so I wouldn’t scare her more and she stared into my eyes for a long time and then to her hands.  
  
She paused to feel her mouth as her lips moved, “I’m…alive?” As soon as she spoke the last word in astonishment, tears birthed from her distraught eyes. Stacy shot her eyes back up to me and gasped after taking in everyone else in the room, too.  
  
“Sara,” she said my name almost as if it were a question.  
  
I couldn’t help it but bawl my eyes out, too. I never thought I’d see Stacy ever again. “Hi,” my voice cracked as I broke down with her and took her into a huge hug. “Yes, Stacy. Stacy it’s me,” I nodded my head up and down as an answer to her acknowledgement. “I thought you were gone. I never thought I’d see you again, Stace.”  
  
“I know,” she cried. “I didn’t think I was ever going to come back. I didn’t understand where I was.” She went on after wiping her eyes, making tiny movements, “I remember everything that happened. I saw everything; I was there. I was still me, but I had no control. I never wanted to go.” I couldn’t talk at my disbelief as she continued to squeeze me tight. “I hung myself in my closet because of her. She made me do it. I didn’t want to go.”  
  
“Oh, Stace,” I felt awful and couldn’t believe we were having a conversation right now. “Tegan tried to tell me, but I was too oblivious and stupid to believe her.”  
  
“I know. And she (Lindsey) took advantage of you. I’m so sorry, Sara. I wanted to do something, but I couldn’t. Tegan always has her gut feelings—you know that. She was just looking out for you; I know you thought she was jealous, but you know she just wants the best for you.”  
  
This was the real Stacy; I had no doubt in my mind after those words had come out of her mouth. I looked over at Tegan and I had no idea what she was thinking. I know what Stacy had just said, but she could be bothered by me holding Stacy this hard right now.  
  
And I think Stacy picked up on that before me.  
  
“Come here,” Stacy flicked her head in our direction at Tegan as she let go of me, gesturing for her to come over and sit next to her.  
  
Tegan put her hand on my thigh and looked wholeheartedly at Stacy, in awe that she was really alive and herself. I thought I could almost make out tears in her eyes.  
  
“Wow, Stacy. It’s really you. Hi, I missed you so much,” Tegan’s voice cracked as she spoke genuinely.  
  
“I missed you, too, Tegan,” Stacy continued to cry. “I’m so sorry this all happened—”  
  
“Oh my god. The photos!” I urged with anxiety as soon as I realized what Lindsey had done to our careers wasn’t just a bad dream, and unintentionally breaking up their heartfelt conversation. “Tee, your phone!”  
  
Tegan pursed her lips and shook her head back and forth. “What’s the point, Sare? It’s already out there for everyone to see; all our fans know by now. The whole public knows by now. If we delete it, that’s our response to it and that just gives them something to talk about even more.”  
  
I didn’t care, I reached for her pocket and grabbed her phone. “No, Tee, I’m taking it down right now!” I panicked as I looked at the photo and tried to delete it. “There’s no cell service!”  
  
“Sara, you said it yourself, we’re going to get through this. You were calm when I was freaking out about this the other day.”  
  
“Yeah, and I said we’ll worry about it when the time comes, and it came so I’m worrying now! Tee, please, we have to delete it.” I couldn’t believe how okay with this she was right now. There was too much going on that had me going crazy.  
  
Tegan took her phone back with one hand and held mine in her other. “Let me see, there has to be cell service in here. Oh, she put it on airplane mode so you couldn’t delete it in time.”  
  
“Please take it down, Tee.” I begged, anxiety growing now.  
  
She held my hand a little tighter. “Do you want to see the photo, Sara?”  
  
“And the comments?” I squeezed back just a bit harder.  
  
“And the comments,” Tegan kept her voice calm, trying to keep me calm, too.  
  
“I don’t know. I’m scared.” More panic had me at unease. “No.”  
  
“I’m scared too, Sara, but we’re going to have to address this whole thing at the show tomorrow. It’s gone public now and it’s just too late to delete it.”  
  
“You know what, guys,” Stacy sounded into the conversation. “I want you guys to have some time alone and some space while you’re dealing with this. Do I have a room in this hotel?”  
  
“You can stay in our room, Stacy,” Colin offered.  
  
“Wait! I don’t want you to go yet! I need some time with you, Stace.” I blurted out, both situations fighting for dominance in my head.  
  
“I know, Sare. I need some time with you, too. You and Tegan go have your time together tonight and let this all sink in and figure out what you’re going to do. We’ll see each other tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere.”  
  
“You can’t be certain about that,” I spoke darkly.  
  
“She’s right, baby.” Tegan grabbed my arm affectionately, “We have to deal with this. Thank you, Stacy; I appreciate you.”  
  
I was really sad to hear that I wasn’t going to be with Stacy tonight, it’s so surreal that she’s here. I didn’t know what thoughts to prioritize right now; I couldn’t put anything in the back of my mind. It was just about too much for me to handle.  
  
Stacy got up carefully, as if she was relearning how to stand on new feet, and held onto the bedpost as she did. She pulled me by my elbows and took me into a tight hug.  
  
“I’ll see you in the morning.”


	61. Restart

Tegan walked me to our room and the beauty of the penthouse suite wasn’t occupying my mind like it used to when I walked in—obviously. Same with Tegan; she seemed to have something else on her mind as we didn’t speak the whole way to our room. I thought she would have had as much urgency and anxiety in her energy as me, but she was rather still and to herself.

As each second passed, all that was going through my head right now was that a new person was seeing our relationship that Lindsey exploited online.

How could that not be crossing hers right now?

I glided my fingertips across the back of her hand as she unlocked the door. The door hit the wall and I found myself against it inside the room. I just wanted affection, her reassurance that every single thing was going to be okay, even though I knew she didn’t have any control over that.

I would have settled for an empty promise right now.

She held me at my hips and watched my worried depths as I was searching into hers. It was so quiet now that all I could hear on was our breaths as we focused on one another.

Tegan brought her fingertips up to my jaw and caressed my face, just about to come into  
a kiss.

“Tell me everything’s going to be okay, Tee,” I said, lifting myself up and hooking my legs around her waist. Tegan got the hint to hold me against her, kissing me softly before she carried me away from the door.

She seemed so calm but as I was held chest to chest against her I could feel her heart beating so fast. Tegan sat on the lounge chair and kept me wrapped into her as she did. I knelt as I kept my legs straddled around her waist and let my hands fall there, too.

I leaned in to kiss her, wanting everything to go away. Why couldn’t things go back to being easy, like when we were kids?

Or even just a few hours ago when the world didn’t know about us.

“You can’t kiss me forever, Sare.”

“Of course I can,” I continued focusing on the physical, especially since she wasn’t going to delete the photos.

She held my shoulders and brought our intimate touching to a halt. “You know what I mean.”

“I want the photo deleted, Tee.” I was getting ready to beg again.

“Okay, Sare. And then what, act as if nothing happened? Act as if the fans tomorrow won’t know exactly what’s going on?”

“I don’t know, Tee! I don’t know! It all sounded easier in my head.”

“This is not going to be easy, baby. This is that part.”

I shook my head and leaned into her neck, “I don’t want it to be that part.” She was stronger and I could tell she felt awful for me right now, but she really didn’t want to cave in to deleting the photo.

“I know, baby, I know,” Tegan sympathized as she let me sink my body deeper into her chest. I get it; our girlfriends found out and we’re still here. Our band found out and we’re still here. Mom found out and we’re still here. It wasn’t the end of the world even after that, but this is just so different. “Okay, Sare, I’m right here…” she paused as she handed me her phone, “…let’s see what the world says.”

My heart started to race and I swallowed hard as I took Tegan’s phone from her. I stared at the small squared photo of Tegan and I, love-struck by each other and amongst our professional photos from press and shows. I was hesitant to click on it; I didn’t want to. I shouldn’t even be reading comments anyway, but this is different from reading gossip and negativity that is said about you.

This was serious and could very well ruin our entire career of being musicians.

Tap.

“Seventeen thousand likes?” Oh my god. My heart started to beat really fast again. Anxiety. Panic. Tegan said nothing, and it’s not that she was in shock. It was like she had already accepted all of this and there was nothing new to take in.

This is spreading fast. We’d only get about less than ten thousand likes on each photo, and that’s being generous—sometimes we won’t even get half of that unless it’s a photo related to gay rights or a good selfie.

View all comments. Tap.

“Twenty thousand comments?!” Tegan must have been shocked by some of this by now. Apparently everybody has an opinion about us—great. There’s no point in reading through every single one or even attempting; this is exactly why people shouldn’t read their own gossip. It would drive them insane.

I had to read a few anyway.

_Called it._

_WHAT?!??!!_

_I ship it ;) #quincest_

_Is this photoshopped? This can’t be real…_

_Why is everyone making a big deal about this? Incest is wrong not because it’s unnatural (which is not true), but because the offspring are more likely to have abnormalities._   _They’re lesbians…so it doesn’t matter._

 _This must be leaked??? Or fake??? Why would they post this???_  
_Gross. They’re going to hell._

_WTF?!?! CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?!_

_That moment your girlfriend dies and you get with your sister._

_Doesn’t take a genius to realize this was going on the whole tour. Still adore them. What they decide to do apart from their music is their business <3_

_I knew Sara was the bottom ;)_

_The quincest fandom is going to go crazy…and they were right all along._

_Umm, is this for real?_

_Obviously photoshopped, but why would they put this up? They must have been hacked._

_I always thought Tegan looked at her sister differently…_

_Wonder what they’re gonna say about this tomorrow?_

_What?_

_Fucked up._

_Good for them, they’re finally coming out._

I couldn’t help it, I started to cry, bawling harder and harder with Tegan’s phone to my chest. I felt so exploited and exposed. And there was nothing I could do about it. That was the end of my sister and I’s private, incestual relationship.

“Sara, my girl, I know. It’s okay, baby,” Tegan spoke in fragments as she tried to calm me.

“We’re going to have to address it to our fans at tomorrow’s show, Tee!”

“We will. Or I will. It's okay, Sara.” Tegan spoke only with a tinge of fear in her voice.  
“We’ll keep our relationship private; we’ll keep it the way it has been the past month. I'll just tell them what needs to be addressed. And that'll be that.”

“Did you read any of the comments?”

“No. Their opinions are none of my business.”

“Tee…”

“Sara baby, please calm down. Just relax,” she repeated and she was starting to get annoyed. I could hear it in her tone.

“Stop saying that, Tegan!” I snapped at her. “How can you be acting like this right now?! Don't tell me to relax!”

“We knew this was going to happen, Sare!”

“But you're acting like nothing happened! Everyone fucking knows about us!”

“Sara, I know that. Do you think I don't know that? I'm handling this as best as I can,” she was keeping her voice calm like I was some sort of mental person. Like mom talks to one of her patients when she doesn't want them to lash out.

“You're not handling it, you're ignoring everything that's happening!” I had so much anger and frustration built up inside of me. Not from Tegan, but from the situation.

“What do you want to do, Sara?” Her voice wasn't as calm anymore. I was starting to push her with my outburst.

I didn't know what to say, I got quiet. I wanted to say ‘I don't know’, but the words barely came out. Just a crack in my voice.

“What do you want to do, Sare?” Her voice was thick as she yelled, I had pushed her too far. “Huh?! What's the right thing to do right now?”

“I--”

“Just say it, Sare! If I'm handling this so wrong, tell me what exactly am I supposed to do in this situation?! Since you're so smart I would love to know.”

“Stop putting words in my mouth!”

“Do you want to leave, is that it? Is this too hard?!” She gripped my elbows and it almost hurt, we were getting pretty intense with each other.

“When did I ever say that, Tee? Why do you always fucking say that?” I held a mutually hard grip on her arms now. And I could feel more tears coming. I watched Tegan’s eyes become watery through my tear-blurred depths.

“Just say you don't want to be here,” Tegan was crying now as she shook her head back and forth. “Just say you don't want to deal with this with me.”

“I've told you a million times I do, Tee!”

“You wanted to be with Stacy tonight.”

There it was.

I could hear the hurt in her voice as soon as she said those words. “What?”

“I saw the way you looked at her. You fell in love with her again. Admit it, Sara.”

“Are you fucking serious, Tegan?”

“You're not even denying it.”

“Stop being so selfish and get a fucking grip, Tegan! She's alive, do you understand how big of a deal that is?”

“Then go be with her, Sara! I practically had to convince you to stay with me tonight.”

“I can't fucking believe you're making this about you!”

“Because this is too much for you! When you saw her you realized how much easier it would be with her, just admit that!”

“Am I not allowed to have a fucking breakdown when the world finds out about us?! I'm still fucking here, Tegan! Why don't you fucking see that? Stop being so fucking insecure! I just want you, I don't love Stacy the way I love you!”

“No you don't. Get off of me,” her broken cries made her voice a quiet whisper as she forcefully shoved me off of her.

“Fuck you, Tegan.” I latched onto her as she stood up, trying to get away from me but I pulled her body closer to me the more she pulled away.

“Get off of me!”

“No.”

“Sara, get the fuck off of me!” Tegan slapped me across the face and I shoved her against the wall. I didn't care that she did that just now, I saw it coming. I grabbed her jaw with one hand and didn't care if I was hurting her, I could feel her tears running down her cheek and onto my grip.

“Don't you ever fucking say I don't love you, baby. Don't you ever fucking doubt that for one fucking second. Do you hear me?” Her pained cries filled the room. I loosened my grip and took it down to her neck. “I don't know why you don't understand that, Tee.”

“Get your fucking hand off of me, Sare!”

“Make me.” She wanted to hit me so hard and I knew I was asking for it. I anticipated her blow as I squeezed her throat a little harder.

I felt my body slam backward. That one hurt a lot. She shoved me onto the bed and my hands were no longer on her, but rather they were protecting myself. Once I got over the pain she had caused on my chest I realized I felt no air coming into my lungs. She was choking me harder than I was ever choking her.

“Ow fuck!” I screamed when I could and was no longer asphyxiated.

“You want to be here?” Her wrath was overpowering through her teeth.

“Yes,” I husked as I fought to regain my breath, lifting up her oversized T shirt. “Maybe if you weren't so fucking stubborn you'd see that.” She reached her hands up to my neck again and I grabbed her wrists and shoved them between her legs, twisting her shirt and tying it around her hands, ignoring her begging me not to.

Tegan tried to use her legs to defend herself when I pushed her back to lay on the mattress, wrapping them around my waist and squeezing me hard. “I don't think you'll ever stop being so fucking stubborn,” I forcefully pushed her confined hands overhead. “I can't even count how many times I tell you I love you so fucking much.”

“Fuck you, Sara.”

“You want to choke me, Tegan?” I kept one hand on her wrists and the other on her neck. “How does it feel when I do it to you?” I put all my weight on her wrists as she worked so hard to fight me. She was trying to scream, but couldn't. I gripped the sides of her neck when she wrapped her legs tighter around me from the pain I was putting her through. Tegan’s eyes started to roll back and she about to lose consciousness. I let go and roughly stroked her lips, freeing my hands from her so she was slightly less restricted.

My ears were filled by Tegan’s deep breaths for air and her tied hands jerked to hold onto my body as I pressed my lips into hers. “Maybe now we can truly be together,” she husked in between our kiss. “Now that we have nothing to hide.”

“I've always been truly yours, sweetheart,” I cooed.


	62. World

**Sara**

Tegan and I spent the rest of that night making love. Intense, passionate, lewd, indecent love.

I know what you’re thinking— _ how the fuck could  _ that _ have turned into anything remotely close to making  _ love? Well, it just did. And it was mind-blowing and incredible.

It was about an hour that passed that I had spent between her legs. Going down on Tegan is probably my favourite thing to do to make her feel good. I know how much she loves it when I do. She spent the whole hour squeezing her thighs around my head, which I can’t get enough of, and convulsing overwhelmingly—at least overwhelmingly on her end.

Needless to say by the end of it, my skull hurt, my nose hurt and the web of my tongue hurt. I didn’t realize until it was over and we were holding each other, covered in each other’s sweat.

Another quirk of hers is grabbing my hair with her clenched fist and pressing my face in between her legs until she rode out her orgasm. So my scalp very well hurt, too, from her almost pulling out my hair. What would have been smart of me was if I used her shirt to tie her hands overhead rather than just together, but nope. I love her touching me so I didn’t bother.

An hour would have been longer if she’d have let me, but it’s usually about that long until Tegan physically can’t handle anything more. She knows how much I love giving her head that she tries to hold off long enough for me to get bored (or whatever her logic is), but I know her body so well as she does mine. Tegan can usually handle a few orgasms one after another, with a reasonable amount of time in between. But it’s usually about an hour later that she’s pulling me up from between her legs because she can’t take anymore—and her body is still twitching even after I stop touching her.

Our nights together are amazing.

“Fuck, choke me, Sara,” she begged as she lay on her back, writhing from the pleasure I gave between her thighs. 

 

_ My God, this girl,  _ I always think to myself when she talks like that and I just want to love her. I couldn't help myself but I always got a rush of adrenaline, or butterflies, growing in my chest where my heart is when we were like this. I wonder if she gets the same thing. I always do what she asks of me unless I'm trying to make her angry and tease her. I squeezed her throat hard until she squeezed me back harder and I knew she couldn't take it. The gestures were indecent but I always hoped she could feel the gentleness in my touch. 

 

That hour of making love was our apology to each other. Well, call me stubborn, but I should say her apology to me. When she pulled me up from between her legs and I saw the way she looked at me, with that lovingness in her eyes, she didn't have to say anything. I knew that was her way of saying “I'm sorry.” And without question, I accept it. 

 

Our love has no conditions. It needs no apologies and requires no expectations. Those things to Tegan and I were just redundant. 

 

I pushed her up against the headboard and held my hands by her waist, appreciating her skin. “Sleep?” Tegan looked at me, knowing it was inevitable. Neither of us wanted to see morning. 

 

“I guess we have to. It's getting late.” I shrugged my shoulders, “Plus, we can't fight if we’re sleeping.”

 

“I'm sure we'd find a way,” Tegan kissed me on the forehead. “We also couldn't make love,” she kissed my lips, “or make out, or talk, or--” 

 

“Alriiiiiight, oh my god, shut  _ up,”  _ I pushed her face away playfully. 

 

“Wow,” she raised her eyebrows and closed her eyes. “You're right. We can't fight if we’re sleeping. Goodnight Sara, I hope you have kind dreams, see you in the morning, you ungrateful-”

 

My laughter interrupted her sarcasm and complaining and I shoved her playfully again. “Shut  _ up _ , Tegan. You're such a goof,” I kissed her cheeks repeatedly as she fought to push me off of her. “Nope,” I shook my head and kissed her harder, “there's nothing you can do about it, you're stuck with me forever. Sorry.”

 

“Ugh, forever? Gross.” Tegan let her hands fall on my arms as I kissed her neck over and over. 

 

“I'm actually not sorry,” I let out an obnoxious giggle. She let me keep kissing her skin.

 

“I know you're not,” Tegan tried to bring my eyes to hers but my lips didn't want to move away from her jaw. 

 

“Mm,” I finally kissed her lips, still not completely making eye contact with her, “you taste so good, baby.” 

 

“Ugh,” I could tell I was teasing her. That wasn't on purpose, though. “You're going to turn me on, again.” 

 

“I wouldn't be sorry about that, either. I don't think you can take anymore, though.”

 

“Fuck,” she grunted and pushed me away resistantly. “I don't think so, either.”

 

“That's a shame,” I smiled at her and looked into her sweet depths. “I love pleasing you.”

 

“Are you-?” Tegan looked at me with hesitance, searching for something in my eyes and then looking down at my body. “...Can I?”

 

It made me a little nervous that she asked. It caught me off guard and I gave all my power away to her in that moment. “Yeah,” I could feel my hands starting to fumble and my voice became thick. She always knew how to make me nervous like that. I don't think she means to but I think she likes it. 

 

She held my hips gently as she laid her body down, keeping me sitting overtop of her ribs. I didn't realize how wet I was until I felt myself dripping onto her stomach. “Come here, baby,” she spoke softly, holding my bum and feeling my body as she helped me closer to her. 

 

“Did I make you that wet?” She asked in a husked voice as I sat on her face. 

 

“Yes.” I swallowed. 

 

“Good girl, spread your legs.” She asserted sweetly. 

 

“Oh f-” I started to moan, “Make love to me slowly, Tee.”

 

“You can't handle me choking you tonight?”

 

“No,” my voice thickened again and breaths hitching. “Make love to me. Fuck-”, my voice raised an octave. I gripped her hand hard and tried to squeeze my legs around her, but I did my best to resist it. “Oh, fuck!” I let out a small whimper and pulled her hair. “I love you, Tee. I love you.”

 

“Mmm,” she kept humming as her eyes stayed closed, acknowledging me but not stopping to respond to me. “Mm, fuck, baby,” I could make out her murmurs as her mouth was pressed against the most sensitive part of my body. It did things to me when she cursed like that while she was underneath me. I've already been so turned on for an hour that she didn't have to do all that much to push me over the edge. 

 

My body started to jerk against her and I could barely handle her tongue on me anymore. She didn't stop moaning while I was on her and it did so many things to me. 

 

“Oh, Tegan, I'm gonna…” my voice broke as I warned her and she held my bum a little tighter. She pressed me harder into her and flicked her tongue faster against my clit. She never broke contact and continued to moan from the pleasure she gave me. “Oh! Fuck!” My words carried and voice shaky as I felt my pleasure releasing in her mouth. 

 

“Oh my god,” I gasped for air coming down from my high and now being cuddled in Tegan's arms. “I love you, Tegan.”

 

She giggled and I didn't know why. 

 

“What?”

 

“You're so serious,” she smiled. 

 

“Well, I love you a lot. My emotions are on a high when you do that. Do you just want me to make jokes next time when we're having sex?” I could barely speak and my words came out in breaths to the point that my sarcasm barely came out. 

 

“Sometimes you talk too much, you know that?” Tegan put her finger on my mouth and hushed me. Giggling again, she threw me up overtop of her and gave me the most passionate, loving kiss. “But I love you a lot more. No questions asked.”

 

“Wasn't gonna,” I kissed her back, being difficult like I love to do. I didn't smile, I was still serious, but she knew my sarcasm. I had no energy to smile; she had me completely drained. 

 

“Okay, I don't even wanna check the time. Let's sleep.”

 

“Only if I can stay like this,” I buried my head deeper into the crook of my sister’s neck. 

 

She kissed me on the head, holding me tight. “Okay.”

 

-

 

**Tegan**

 

Sara's hair tickled my nose and I could feel her naked skin consciously now. I was awake. 

 

Today's the day. 

 

I'm going to be strong, in case she can't. 

 

“Good morning, princess.”

 

She started rustling as she started to wake up. “Mm, hi baby,” she mumbled. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“Yes. You looked quite comfortable yourself,” she was still on top of me and didn't move an inch all night. She was so warm. 

 

“Mhm.”

 

-

 

Our crew told us to meet them down at the venue for sound check. The energy was getting a little tense, but I didn't want to mention it. Sara could feel it, too. She was shaky and fumbling with everything she did. 

 

We went through sound check rather quick, not making much conversation or jokes like we usually would. I really didn't know how tonight was going to play out.  _ Should we address it, should we not?  _

 

My phone was still going off with notifications.  _ Did I make a mistake by leaving the photo up?  _ Fuck, maybe. But maybe there was a part of me that didn't want to keep us a secret anymore. It had to surface some day, I guess. 

 

I didn't check my phone, everyone else’s thoughts are their own. I didn't care what people thought, I didn't care to be accepted. What’s important to me is our career and our relationship. And god I hope neither is jeopardized by the end of this tour. 

 

“Hey, Tee. We’re on in one minute,” I felt my sister tug on my arm and bring me out of my thoughts. 

 

“Right. Whoa.” I was thrown off by all the people calling our names. Maybe they did still love us. Maybe nothing has changed. 

 

“So, what's the plan?” I heard worry in her voice. 

 

The music started and that was our cue to walk out onto the stage. Holy shit. I'm scared out of my mind. I'm fucking petrified . “Leave it to me, Sare,” I squeezed her hand before our crew urged Sara to go on stage first. 

 

Separated.

 

There was terror in her eyes in the final look she gave me before stepping out. The crowd got even louder and I followed soon after. 

 

I watched her as she went over to her mic and stepped on her platform, trying to adjust it when it had all already been adjusted for us. I had this. I had this for the both of us. I wasn't going to let her mess up. 

 

I let the crowd tone down a bit, knowing it wouldn't get to a dead silence until we did something. I looked at the crowd and smiled. 

 

“We’re Tegan and Sara.”

 

The crowd was rowdy tonight, yelling and screaming from my three little words. “Yeah you are!” I heard a fan shout and some started laughing. I had to say, it definitely eased me, and I hoped it did, too, for Sara. 

 

“This song’s called Back in Your Head,” she spoke in a mousey, shy voice. Whatever, she usually did, though. The crowd cheered again. 

 

“Built a wall of books between us in our bed,” Sara started to sing the first few lines of the song. She was good, although a part of me was definitely worried that we were opening with her song and maybe she'd stumble. But she was good. Not much eye contact, but good. 

 

I watched the crowd singing along. I could make out a few people looking at us differently, like they were looking to see chemistry between us or something. That was definitely anxiety-inducing. 

 

“Thank you,” she spoke quietly and modestly into her mic. I could hear some girls on her side yelling her name. It was cute. 

 

Living Room, Goodbye Goodbye. Talk. 

 

“How's everybody doing tonight?” I could hear a few people yell out some real words but lots were more cheering and screaming and  _ I love you _ . I noticed Sara looking a little scared so I walked over and put my arm around her, to which the crowd cheered more. They always did when we'd show our sisterly love. Another thing about our crowds is that they're respectful; they wouldn't yell out anything relating to the picture. 

 

“So this is actually our first time in Berlin,” I waited for the crowd to settle down. “We love it here a lot-”

 

“What hotel are you staying at?!” A fan interrupted me and everyone laughed. 

 

“The Ritz-Carlton,” I answered honestly and the crowd gasped that I actually answered. 

 

“I tell you that because I know none of you could afford it.”

 

The crowd gasped again, laughing at my offensive comment. 

 

I laughed, too, “I'm not saying that to be a snobby bitch. I can't afford it, either. Our good friend bought it for us, he's awesome. So unless you're an axe murderer or something you can't afford the penthouse suite.”

 

The audience gasped and laughed again. 

 

“Just kidding, he’s a hitman. This song’s called Drove Me Wild…” I watched the crowd laughing with me and Sara’s puzzled reaction as she nervously smiled and shook her head back and forth. 

 

I counted in my high-kick just right as the drum hit to start the song. Every time I do it right, I am always so pleased with myself and start smiling. Tonight wasn't much different, the crowd was great. But sooner or later I would have had to mention the elephant in the room. 

 

Drove Me Wild, Alligator, Northshore, My Number. Talk. 

 

“So, you guys have been awesome tonight and...oh no don't worry we’re not leaving yet,” I chuckled as I heard some of the audience starting to whine, but then my tone was serious again. “But there is something that I--that Sara and I need to address.”

 

Sara took a look at me and then to the audience and became small. I walked over and put my arm around her again, hoping that would comfort her maybe even in the slightest. 

 

“This tour has been a little bit different; you may have noticed a little bit more tension between Sara and I than usual. Or maybe not. Maybe you're just purely here for the music and that's great, but something happened last night that went public. And I feel obligated to speak about it, because it's our business. It's Sara and I’s business that unfortunately went public and neither of us had a say in that. If we did, it wouldn't have gone public and I wouldn't have to be speaking to you guys about this right now, but I do. We do.

 

“The reason I'm saying this is because someone who is very close to us, someone who we thought was a friend, posted a very... _ intimate  _ photo of Sara and I onto our Instagram page. And I'm assuming all of our other social media. I didn't look. I couldn't bare myself to. 

 

“We also decided not to delete it, well I did. Sara isn't very happy with me on that one. I don't even know if I am, but the one thing keeping me from deciding against it was that the truth is going to come out sooner or later. And I don't want to keep it a secret anymore.

 

“Just say it, Tegan!”

 

“Okay, okay, I'll cut to it. This isn’t a surprise to any of you anyway. I'm sure the word has spread by now.” I wasn't going to, but I held Sara’s hand just in case she was freaking out as much as I was.  _ Why was I even doing this? _ I decided to rip it off like a bandaid and stop rambling. “So as you may have been able to tell from that photo, I'm crazy about Sara. I'm head over heels in love with her.”

 

There, I said it. 

 

Pause. Pause. Frozen. Blank. I didn't know what else to say. The silence was deafening and the silence felt like forever. 

 

Sara's squeezed my hand tighter and I could hear her unsteady, nervous breaths. 

 

That's how quiet this room was. 

 

Claps.

 

_ Did I hear that right?  _

 

I felt like I had been falling and I had just safely hit the ground. Not to mention with Sara right by my side. Just like I had always dreamed. I heard it right; they started to yell out cheers and countless  _ we love you’s.  _

 

Holy shit. 

 

Exhale. I can breathe now. 

 

“Um,” I had to swallow and clear my throat. “I've been terrified for this moment,  _ we’ve been,”  _ I corrected myself. “We've spent countless days and nights arguing over this, almost jeopardizing our relationship over this. Wow, I love you guys so much. We’ll continue on with the rest of our set, but I just want to say one last thing.

 

“We’d love it if we could keep our relationship separate from our career, I know you guys can respect that. We have the best fans and I know I can speak on behalf of Sara, too, when I say I am so grateful to have the best fans in the world.

 

“We love you guys,” I hope Sara was okay with everything I said. I know she's not going to say anything and that's okay. I held on to her shaky hand as the crowd continued to scream. 

 

Their cheers sounded so good. That was the sound of freedom. 

 

It's done. It's over. The world knows about us. 

 

With our lives being looked down on by the public eye with what sometimes felt like a microscope, our subjectively twisted secret is finally out. We kept it hidden for about six weeks until it was forced to surface. And I think I felt okay about it.

 

I can tell the world about my soulmate now.


	63. Heads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE***
> 
> Alright guys, here it is. So this was pretty dark for me to write, I had to look up a "how to" on one of the suicide scenes in this chapter to make sure this seemed valid. Anyways, I found some fucked up shit on the internet and there were legitimate "how to's" on suicide, helping people take their lives. This is unrelated but I have to say that's awful, and if anyone is considering suicide, please talk to someone. It's a permanent solution to a temporary rough part of your life. Things get better, just keep pushing. You were meant to have an amazing life.
> 
> Anyways, here's the next chapter, comment below if you guys are still reading. Kudos are nice but I love comments and I still love writing this, especially if you guys love reading it. If anyone wants something to listen to during this chapter, listen to "No Goodbyes" by Dua Lipa. The lyrics kinda worked with the story, I'm sure I could have found a sadder one, but this will do. Alright guys enjoy!

**Sara**

 

_ Breathe. Breathe. _

 

I could barely hear myself coaching my body through this. 

 

_ Oh my god, Sara! Breathe! _ I was yelling at myself. I feel like I’m going to pass out if I don’t start listening to my conscience.

 

I think I could still feel Tegan holding onto my hand. 

 

Or is she still squeezing it? 

 

It was numb now, not to mention my whole body. 

 

Is she still talking? 

 

My ears are ringing, I bet this is what it feels like to be in shock.

 

They’re all staring at me; is it because I’m staring at them? Fuck, I can’t look away for the life of me.

 

My chest, I can’t even begin to explain how it feels. 

 

“Alright, well, this next song is called I Was Married.”

 

A little bit of sadness, a little bit of relief, a lot of disbelief and a ton of shock. Yep, definitely shock. 

 

What are we going to talk about with our fans now that they know about our incestual relationship? What are the press gonna say when this goes viral? What’s mom going to do when she finds out that the world knows?

 

What about dad?

 

This isn’t good.

 

An excruciating pain in the pit of my stomach overwhelmed me, I need to take a breather. Maybe Tegan and I didn’t think this through.

 

“Hey Sara?” Tegan tried to zone me back into reality, bringing my attention back to the crowd of eyes on me.

 

I said nothing, but jolted my focus over to her.

 

“Are you okay to do I Was Married, baby?” She covered the microphone and asked me, as if everyone else wasn’t here right now.

 

I was already holding the guitar in the key for I Was Married. I must have been so deep in my thoughts to hear Tegan’s speech to the audience after I knew they all knew. How was I not even paying attention when our crew guy put it on me?

 

Okay, Sara. It’s about the music right now, put your thoughts on the back burner for just one more hour.

 

“I married in the sun,” I started singing and thankfully Tegan jumped in on her vocals at the right time. 

 

I didn’t count us in. 

 

I didn’t think to.

 

I just started.

 

God, this song was hard to sing right now. I thought about how Tegan and I have been hiding our love from the world since now, how what we have isn’t accepted in society and we have to control our attraction for one another. 

 

I looked over at Tegan as she looked down and sang her parts; I just wanted her to hold me right now. I felt all over the place.

 

“To control against the pull of one magnet to another…”

 

Tegan didn’t have to do much in this song other than sing. It was all me. With all the freedom she had in these two minutes, she kept smiling at me like such a weight had been lifted.

 

Like she adored me and wasn’t afraid who saw.

 

I kept my focus on the song.

 

“...magnet, to another magnet,” I sang as I tried not to look at her but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t match the same smile she had on her face. I didn’t have the guts right now, I’m taking everything in and it’s all so overwhelming. God, she’s really okay with this.

 

Applause. Cheering. Screaming. 

 

Nothing has changed. 

 

“This last one’s called Closer, if you know it sing it with us.” Obviously they did, sometimes I wondered why Tegan said that. It made me laugh a bit. “Thank you guys so much. You’ve been incredible, Berlin!”

 

Right as we finished the set, the crowd was roaring and cheering and screaming and I could feel it in my chest. Tonight happened, I could barely grasp that fact. I reacted by holding my hand to my chest and just about stopped breathing. I stood still as Tegan started to walk off of the stage for the night. It wasn’t long until she looked back and came back for me.

 

She turned her mic off and looked at me seriously. “It’s okay, Sare. We’re done, we can go back to the hotel now. Eyes will be off of us soon.” Tegan took my hand and so sweetly talked me through this; I really needed her to let me know she was here for me right now. 

 

My feelings are a mess right now.

 

Hand interlaced in mine, Tegan and I took one last look at the stage and she yelled one last we love you to the crowd. Even after what they knew about us, they screamed so loud. Their screams were overwhelming, part of me wanted to cry of happiness and relief and just break down, too. 

 

You couldn’t even tell the difference in cheers from our show in Paris and this one.

 

Tegan pulled me into her arms as soon as we stepped backstage and, for the most part, we were alone. The second we were out from the crowd’s eye, I broke down into a million pieces and bawled my eyes out into Tegan’s chest.

 

“Is she gonna be okay, Tee?” Ted walked up to us and asked her.

 

“No, let’s get her back to the penthouse.”

 

The bus picked us up right near the back of the stage so we were able to sneak out without fans seeing us. They knew tonight was hard for us and I’m sure none of them were waiting anyway.

 

Tegan held my hand with the tightest grip as she walked with me to the bus. She knew I wasn’t okay right now; the less okay I was, the tighter she held me, I’ve come to notice. Once we got to the steps of the bus, she picked me up by my bum so that my legs were wrapped around hers. 

 

I held onto her just as tight.

 

“We’ll be back to the room soon, baby. It’s not as bad as you think it is. Promise,” Tegan spoke with anxiety as she kissed my cheeks that were stained with an endless stream of tears. One of the things she hated most was seeing me so devastated. It made her extremely uneasy, even before our relationship was romantic.

 

In contrast to myself, I’m pretty sure Tegan gave zero fucks as to who knew about us, because she held me in the same way she that brought me onto the bus as she did out of it and into the hotel.

 

And of course I can’t forget that she told everyone that we were staying at the Ritz-Carlton.

 

I buried my face into the crook of her neck as she carried me out of the bus and into the hotel lobby, up the elevator and, finally, to our room.

 

I didn’t see any fans, nor did I look. It was quiet the whole time she carried me up. She held me against our hotel room door as she searched her pocket for the key card. Tegan kept giving me soft kisses along my jaw to calm me as she did, but I just couldn’t stop crying.

 

She found her key, slid it into the aperture without difficulty and I heard the ringing sound that the door was now unlocked and ready to be opened. Tegan put me down once we got inside and made sure I was okay to stand on my own while she rummaged my suitcase for some fresh clothes to sleep in.

 

We hadn’t said a word to each other since she spoke to me in the tour bus.

 

Tegan hugged my waist and I lifted my arms up, waiting for her to take off my clothes, one article at a time. She was quick to undress me and gave me kisses on my skin as she did.

 

My sister took off my panties last and gave me a delicate kiss on each hip bone. She took out my silk pajama shorts from my suitcase and slipped them up my shaking thighs. Then my oversized T shirt and picked me up to bring me over to the bathroom counter.

 

Facing me, Tegan took the hair elastic from her wrist and pulled my hair back into a ponytail, kissing my cheeks and ran warm water from the sink.

 

“Wash your face, princess. I’ll be back in a minute.”

 

I got up off the counter and looked at myself in the mirror, running my fingers under the water. I looked so weak and pathetic. God, I hate that I needed Tegan right now. I hate depending on her, but she’s my twin - I guess that’s what we do.

 

Just like she asked, my face was washed and my teeth were brushed. She came back once she was dressed in comfier clothes and pulled me up into her arms, taking me to our oversized bed. This room was starting to feel like our home. It felt like we’ve been here forever.

 

Tegan had her back up against the headboard and I laid on top of her, legs wrapped around her waist and face to her chest. She held my bum and let me cry, kissing my forehead and barely saying much.

 

“I hate it when you cry, Sare.” Tegan played with the material of my shorts, slid her fingers underneath them and along my thighs. I didn’t bother to respond; I didn’t need to. She knew I was listening and that I get quiet when I’m upset; I just let her continue talking if she was going to.

 

She took her hands out from underneath my shorts and up to my bare waist now, holding me tight and pulling me closer into her. I felt safe when she danced her fingertips overtop of my skin like that. Tegan gave me a sense of security I could never get from anyone else.

 

“I’m going to stay awake until you fall asleep. Don’t rush, Sare. Take your time and close your eyes. Nothing’s gonna hurt you, baby. I’m here.”

 

I love her so much.

 

**-**

 

This is it. 

 

This is the end.

 

I was back home again. Tegan was sitting on my bed in my bedroom when I left her there; she preferred mine over hers when we were apart. She said my smell calms her.

 

I couldn't help but feel emptiness and void sitting alone in this oversized bathtub. Well, oversized since Tegan wasn’t here to fill it. Yet. She said she'd meet me soon once she finishes up the last few pages of the book she was reading. 

 

Mom was downstairs. 

 

Things were different now. 

 

She didn't smile at us the same anymore, it's like she was ashamed of us. She didn’t hug us anymore. She didn’t tell us she loved us anymore. Do you know how it feels when your own mother won't even hold you?

 

Mom told me she’d love me no matter what. 

 

Remember?

 

There's been no signs of Lindsey coming back, but the shock that she left on us has translated into a post-traumatic mess that Tegan and I just couldn't push away from our heads. 

 

The scars that Lindsey left on my body hurt so bad to look at as I sat naked and alone here. It hurt me more that I couldn't feel the pain when she touched my skin like that. I never remembered her taking me to my room. 

 

How dare she touch me without my consent?

 

And we weren't the same anymore. Tegan and I. She felt dirty that everyone knew about us now. I think it started when she noticed mom acting differently. Tegan still loved me so much, though; that, I never second-guessed. 

 

She was crazy for me. 

 

Literally. 

 

Don't forget that. 

 

The waves of the water echoed throughout the hollow and emptiness of the bathroom. 

 

And then my sister opened the door. 

 

She closed it firmly behind her.

 

The shiny metal she was holding hit the granite countertop as she set it down. That was the centerpiece of this room now. I watched as she traced the edge over her fingertips. 

 

“Sara, my love,” Tegan said quietly as she undressed herself one article of clothing at a time. 

 

I was calm, but I could tell Tegan was getting nervous. She stayed emotionless, though. 

 

Naked now, she picked them back up and came into the water with me. 

 

Legs intertwined. 

 

Facing me. 

 

Holding my knowing, unsteady hand. 

 

Her left in my left. 

 

“Let’s go back to the beginning,” she placed the extra identical blade into my open palm. 

 

I didn't say anything. All I could hear were my own breaths. 

 

I wanted to let go. 

 

“Hold my hand, baby. Don’t let go,” she trembled and my heart became more empty than it was before. I could tell she was scared. “Maybe in another life we could be together.

 

She paused in thought before she went on.

 

“Maybe our next. I know our love will bring our souls back together, after one paired death or a hundred.”

 

I kept my head down and started to whimper as she began speaking her goodbyes. 

 

This was it.

 

“Don't cry, Sara. Please don't cry. You know it hurts me when you cry. This is the only way. You know that.”

 

“I love you, Tegan Quin.”

 

“I love you, Sara Quin. I'll see you soon, my love.”

 

I wanted to hold onto her so much harder, especially since these were our last seconds together, but I had to relax my body like she told me. She took the strait-razor to the inside of her elbow on the arm that I was holding on to. 

 

My twin’s pain superimposed onto mine is going to be infinitely excruciating.

 

I made my actions mirror hers, I couldn’t stop shaking.

 

Trying to keep steady breaths, I took the strait blade and broke open my skin with the sharp edge. I didn’t think about it, knowing I would stop if I did, and made a slow, deep slit from my forearm to my wrist. 

 

Nothing was more agonizing and insufferable than that sharp blade against my sensitive skin.

 

Tegan choked out a pained cry that echoed throughout the hollow bathroom and I screamed as she let go of my hand, but fought to keep grip. She couldn’t hold on any longer. With the little bit of strength she had left, she let go of my hand and split open her other entire arm, making sure to go deep enough to kill herself. 

 

I held onto my sister as I watched her fight for her last breaths. I could feel the hurt she was suffering and it was the most intolerable I had seen her. Tegan was trying to hold on to me and she couldn’t, I could tell she was afraid. She couldn't focus her gaze on me anymore as she dropped her head to the edge of the tub, voice mute and arms floating now. 

 

I’ll never forget that look she gave me before her body gave out.

 

I shook her arms as her blood filled the tub full of hot water. “No, Tegan. Wake up. No, baby. What are we doing? Wake up baby. Please!”

 

The bloodied water spilled out onto the floor now. 

 

“Tee?”

 

Her body was tense. I tried to hold her hand and her whole arm moved without bending. My warm love turned to rigid and cold.

 

I don’t have a sister anymore. 

 

She left me.

 

“Honey, I heard a scream. Is everything...oh...oh no,” her voice raised an octave after she shrieked. I could pinpoint in her voice the second her heart broke.

 

Her face changed from genuine, loving concern to consummate horror.

 

“Oh, Tegan, sweetheart,” mom walked up to her without hesitation, ignoring her now blood-stained feet as she took her daughter’s arm. “Oh no, Tegan, you're okay baby. Honey, you're fine. Please get up now, baby. Get up, baby. Mommy’s here, you're going to be okay.”

 

I cried. I kept crying and I couldn’t stop. 

 

Hysterical.

 

Mom was in denial. 

 

“Tegan, baby. I’m here, you don’t have to be scared anymore. Everything’s okay, sweetheart.” Mom held Tegan’s face as her dead eyes stared into hers. “Oh no. No, no, no. Sara, baby what happened?! What were you girls doing?!” 

 

Mom’s words were anxiety-stricken and abrupt.

 

I couldn’t talk. If I did, I would have let out the most disturbing cries that would have traumatized me even more.

 

My sister was gone.

 

“Tegan,” I choked out, torture in my voice that I could barely feel the pain in my wrist. My sister’s passing was far worse. “You can’t go without me, baby. I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t want to know how. Don’t leave me here, Tegan. Please, please. What about me?”

 

“Sara? Sara?”

 

“Tegan, you’re not allowed to leave me! Together, baby, remember? Please wake up, baby. I love you. I love you. Wake up, baby, please!”

 

“Sara, baby, I’m here. It’s okay, baby, open your eyes. It’s me, Tegan.”

 

I opened my eyes to Tegan shaking me frantically and I couldn’t stop crying and screaming. “Tegan!” I blared her name and she had to hold me still, I was hysterical and her arms were covered in my tears.

 

Her arms. Perfectly inked and skin unopened. 

 

It all seemed so real.

 

I gripped them hard and pushed my face into them, screams saturated in torment and terror.

 

“Baby, I think you were just having a bad dream. It’s over. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. I promise,” Tegan fumbled to keep my shaking body still and tried to keep herself calm. I could tell it was hard for her. I think she had drifted off to sleep and my screaming and hitting woke her up.

 

“It’s okay, Sare. It was just a nightmare. Come here, baby.” Tegan pulled me into a tight squeeze. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

I took a deep breath.

 

Just then, Tegan’s phone rang. She held my hips down to keep me still as we both looked over to see who it was.

 

Mom.


	64. Exit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to end it awkwardly, just wanted to give you guys a little gateway into the next chapter. Enjoy!

**Tegan**

 

I had a very traumatized Sara in my arms. And to make matters worse, mom was calling my phone. I know exactly what she’s calling about, too. 

 

I guess word travels fast. 

 

I have no idea how she is going to take this and I really don’t want to answer her call right now.

 

I held Sara close to my body and she was finally sleeping; I was just about to doze off myself. I got a little distracted when I noticed her beginning to move in her sleep, she doesn’t do that often. But then I started hearing something that didn’t sound so good in her voice, like she was in physical pain. She started screaming in her sleep along with my name, I had to wake her up.

 

She was definitely having a nightmare.

 

Fuck, my phone wouldn’t stop ringing. Sara was hysterical, and I’m sure she knew exactly why she was calling, too. I can’t deal with mom right now, yelling at me for the decision Sara and I made while she’s here crying her eyes out.

 

I had no backbone.

 

“Hi mom,” I answered without hesitation. “Now’s not really a good--

 

“Are you out of your mind, Tegan?! Why would you do that?! What were you thinking when you shared that with  _ thousands  _ of people?! Do you know that everything you said was recorded and it’s being replayed all over the news?! Are you girls out of your freakin’ minds?!”

 

In my thirty years of being my mother’s daughter, I have never heard her yell, not even once. Not get angry, nothing. Maybe sad, or, you know,  _ disappointed. _ You know how moms are. And now that I have experienced it, holy fucking shit was she terrifying.

 

Even in this situation, she didn’t swear. Almost, but not even now.

 

I squeezed Sara’s waist and wanted to hang up on mom and ignore her right now. But I guess it was her business as much as it is ours. I had the worst feeling in my stomach, but I had to handle this.

 

“Mom, I know you’re upset, but we had no other choice--

 

“Upset?! Upset is an understatement! Tegan,  _ everyone  _ knows now.  _ Everyone!  _ What do you mean you had  _ no other choice _ ?!”

 

Was she going to let me talk now?

 

“It’s a long story,” I took a deep breath in. “People already knew, mom. We tried to be as professional as we could be about it. It had to be addressed.”

 

There was a long pause after an exhausted sigh on the other end. “Tegan,” there was so much disappoint in her voice. I could tell she was shaking her head and was just about speechless. “Am I on speaker? Is that Sara?”

 

She was referring to Sara’s cries that she could hear through the phone.

 

“No, you’re not.”  _ But I’m sure she can hear you since you’re screaming at the top of your lungs _ . “Yes, it is,” I answered respectively.

 

“Sara, baby. Please don’t cry, honey.” 

 

Why is she always the favourite?

 

“Mom, I said you’re not on speaker.” I knew she was going to yell when I picked up, so that’s why I didn’t. I didn’t want it to startle Sara or stress her out. 

 

More than she already is.

 

“Okay, put me on speaker please, honey.”

 

I sighed as I did, saying nothing and waiting for mom to speak again.

 

“Sara, sweetheart, can you hear me?”

 

“Mhm,” she hummed as she wiped her oncoming tears.

 

“I’m sorry I yelled, girls. I’m just a little shocked by this. I didn’t think anyone knew.”

 

“It’s okay,” Sara’s voice was merely a whisper.

 

“Come home, girls. I’m worried.”

 

Sara shot me a look of fear. “No!” She mouthed to me. No words, eyes wide and anxiety-ridden.

 

“Please,” mom continued.

 

“Uh, I don’t know, mom. We can’t leave the band again, we have more shows to play,” I stammered a bit. I wasn’t very good at saying no to her.

 

Or lying.

 

I started getting nervous. I knew she was going to ask it.

 

“When’s your next show, Tegan?”

 

Stammering. Stalling. Thinking what to say.

 

“Tegan. Don’t lie to me.”

 

“Thursday.”  _ Fuck. I’m sorry, Sara. I started to panic, _ “Sara doesn’t want to come home.” 

 

Fuck! She’s gonna kill me.

 

Sara rolled her eyes and shook her head into my chest.

 

“I’m _ sooo  _ fuckin’ sorry!” I whispered to her, hoping mom didn’t hear.

 

“Tegan, I can hear you! Why don’t you want to come home, Sara?”

 

She started crying again, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Tegan, please take care of your sister. I’m sorry I yelled, I’m sorry you two are going through this. I’m sorry I’m not very sympathetic right now, I’m just  _ really  _ upset. Please try to convince her to come home, Tegan. I need to see you girls. I love you both so much.”

 

“I’ll try. We love you, too, mom.”

 

I hung up the phone and Sara and I held each other. I brushed my fingertips through her hair and the other hand on the small of her back, holding her as close to me as I could.

 

“I really don’t want to go, Tee,” she shook her head into my chest.

 

“What was your nightmare about?”

 

She shook her head again.

 

“Does it have to do with why you don’t want to go home?”

 

She looked up at me, serious and quiet. “Mhm. You’re good, Tee.”

 

“They’re not real, baby. They’re just made up.”

 

“I know, it just felt real.”

 

“Can you tell me what happened?”

 

“I don’t know,” she was cautious.

 

“Hey,” I pulled her face up out from my chest so she could see my eyes. “You just made it up, Sare. It was all in your head. It wasn’t real, I’m here, it’s okay.”

 

I could tell she was starting to open up a bit, still reluctant. 

 

“We were at home.”

 

“Was I there, too?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“Oh, well what happened?”

 

“Tegan...it’s pretty dark. Very dark.”

 

“Well,” I held her by her ribs and adjusted her body a bit. “Is it possible it could actually happen if we went back home?” I tried to level with her.

 

She sighed when she thought about it logically, she knew I was going to do this. “Well, no, but we were in a really bad place. In the dream, I mean. I mean...” she corrected herself, “...it  _ could _ happen. It could happen anywhere.”

 

“Alright, Sare, what happened?” I kissed her on the forehead, hoping she was a little bit calmer from talking her through it.

 

She paused for a long time, clearly deep in her head right now. “I was taking a bath...and...you seem to have had it in your head that...we could have been together in a different life.

 

Oh.

 

“Like  _ actually  _ together, romantically without it being bad. And then you came in...with two strait blades...and I think we had planned it together...but we were saying our goodbyes and...we took our lives together. But I didn’t do it in time and then mom walked in on us.

 

Wow.

 

“And you were gone. You left me. Just like that. It was absolute torture.”

 

I didn’t say anything.

 

“I can’t imagine a life without you, Tee.”

 

I didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Neither did she. We just held each other.

 

“That’s weird that you had a dream about that,” I took a while to continue as I was deep in my head.

 

“Why?”

 

I was hesitant to respond. “I was looking at our tumblr tag.

 

“What tumblr tag?”

 

“Quincest.”

 

“Tegan!” She grabbed my shoulders and shook me, as if she’s never looked at the tag before. That’s how we got into this mess in the first place. Back when I looked through her phone and I saw she was looking at it.

 

“What?” I laughed a little bit, she was cute and a little embarrassed. “People really thought it was a thing before we even got together. Even I was almost convinced that we were in love before just by looking at all of their supporting evidence.”

 

“Okay, Tee! What does this have to do with my dream?” She was getting impatient now and cut me off. She wanted me to stop talking about that tag, I guess I was rambling.

 

“Well, I was looking at the tag and there was a picture of us and it said, ‘an old Japanese myth says that if two star-crossed lovers commit dual suicide, they get reincarnated as twins.’ Weird coincidence, huh?”

 

“Uh...very. But...that’s backwards from my dream.”

 

“Yeah, it’s still very similar.” I moved a lock of hair out of her face and kept the conversation serious. “So what do you say, Sare? Let’s go home tomorrow.”

 

She became smaller. “I don’t know.”

 

“Baby,” I lowered my voice, “that’s not gonna happen. Mom really wants to see us.”

 

“Did you hear the tone in her voice? She hates us.”

 

“Sare, don’t be ridiculous! She just wants us to stay out of the public eye with our relationship. She’s being a mom. Come on, she loves us. And do you hear the way she talks to  _ you? _ She never talks to me like that. She adores you! I get all the shit, and even _ I _ know she loves me.”

 

“And how are we gonna get there, huh, Tee?” She completely ignored me pouring my feelings to her. “We are  _ so  _ not asking Colin again.”

 

“Yes we are,” I laughed.

 

“Ugh, Tegan,  _ no way! _ And we left mom on  _ such _ an awkward note. Remember when she drove us back home? She didn’t stop looking at the marks on my neck. She wasn’t even paying attention to the road!”

 

“I know! And I was in the backseat, you were sleeping the whole time! And I was sitting where she caught us having sex. I knew that’s exactly what she was thinking about! I pray to God the worst is over. That was fucking awful.”

 

“No sex at the house,” Sara looked at me seriously, holding out her pinky and I intertwined mine with hers.

 

“You don’t have to tell me twice. No way in hell.”

 

“Do you think she’ll let me sleep in your room?” Sara asked me.

 

“Ha!” I snarled, “Not if I’m in there she won’t.”

 

She looked disappointed.

 

“Besides, if we’re sleeping in the same room I think you’d tempt me too much,” I joke and ran my fingertips down her spine.

 

“What if I get scared?”

 

She asked so sweetly and small and I couldn’t help but think about her traumatizing nightmare.

 

“You know I’ll be right there if you need me, Sare.” I caressed her fingertips and kissed them, serious again. “Mom will understand.”

 

“Yeah. She  _ did  _ tell you to take care of me,” Sara justified.

 

“Mhm,” I agreed. “So...does that mean we’re going tomorrow?”

 

She sighed, letting me finally win. “I guess so, but  _ you’re _ dealing with Colin.”

 

“Deal,” I agreed.

 

“Okay,” her voice sounded a little distant.

 

“Do you really not want to go?” I asked sincerely, starting to feel guilty that I might have pushed her into saying yes.

 

“No, I’ll go.”

 

“Then what is it?” I prodded.

 

“It’s nothing,” still distant.

 

“Sare, I know when you’re lying to me. And it’s definitely something.”

 

She went quiet.

 

“What?”

 

She looked me dead in the eyes; I could tell she wanted to tell me, but she was worried how I would take it. Whatever  _ it _ is. 

 

“I want to spend some time with Stacy before we go.”

 

“Oh,” I wasn’t expecting to hear her name. I tried to sound as upbeat as I could. “Okay, Sare. Of course. I’m sorry it didn’t happen today, it must have slipped my mind. Have you been talking to her?”

 

“Tee,” my sister gave me a look of sincerity before she continued. She knew I was a bit hurt. “You understand where I’m coming from, I know you do. You know I love you and I don’t love anybody else the way I love you. Tell me you know that.”

 

Was I that easy to read? 

 

Maybe, since I totally went off on her the other day about how she obviously loves Stacy more than me, and he she’s easier to love than me.

 

“Yes, we’ve been messaging back and forth.”

 

“Oh.” God, what the fuck is wrong with me? I didn’t even realize I was this insecure. Sara and I have such a strong relationship, and I’m sabotaging it by being so weird about it. “I know that, Sare. Honestly, I do. I don’t know why I’m acting like this. I really am happy she’s okay.”

 

“I think it’s just everything that’s happened, is all. I love you, Tegan Quin. Certainly you haven’t forgotten.”

 

“I love you, Sara Quin.” As uncomfortable as this situation made me, I couldn’t help but laugh at her weirdness as I pulled her face to mine and kissed her lips. “You weirdo.”

 

“Hey!” She murmured through the kiss and playfully pressed her hand against my cheek.

 

She made me smile.

 

“Isn’t it, like, the middle of the night?” Her words interrupted our affectionate moment.

 

“Yeah, I guess mom forgot about the time difference when she called.”

 

“Or maybe she didn’t give a shit cause she was so furious to hear that the world knows about us,” Sara reprimanded.

 

“That, too.”

 

There’s way too much shit going on right now for me to focus on just one thing. My mind had the potential to be all over the place. Luckily, Sara made me forget about all of it just by smiling at me like that.

 

“Thanks for being here for me, Tee. You know, that nightmare really scared me. I appreciate you talking me through these things.”

 

“Always,” I smiled at her. 

 

“Sleep?” Sara proposed as she pulled me down so that I was laying on my back now. She maintained her body on top of me and kissed my neck almost aggressively.

 

“So, when are you seeing her tomorrow?”

 

“We’re going to do lunch tomorrow, so probably around early afternoon.”

 

“Okay,” I smiled at her as she raised her hand up to mine, interlacing our fingertips. “Goodnight, my girl.”

 

“Goodnight, Tee, my love.”

 

-

 

Despite Sara’s nightmare keeping us up for a little longer than anticipated, I had a really good sleep. I felt well-rested. I could see the sun trying to shine in through the blackout blinds and that’s what woke me. 

 

Sara was sound asleep and curled up away from me. I tossed my arm around her to spoon her, and accidentally hit my hand against her phone. It lit up and I took a second look at it, making sure I read it right.

 

Two messages from Stacy.


	65. Depleted

**Tegan**

 

I fucking hate myself right now. I’m so pathetic, I have amazed myself with this level of unnecessary jealousy. Even Sara thinks I’m a little crazy and knows she has to talk me through it.

 

Why would she send  _ two _ messages? They’ve already been messaging all day yesterday. Why didn’t Sara tell me? What were they even talking about? 

 

So. So. Pathetic.

 

I wish Sara wasn’t turned around right now and so sound asleep. I wish she could reassure me that she only has eyes for me and no one else. I know from the bottom of my heart that she does, but I just can’t help be so insecure about it.

 

How many times do I need her to say  _ I love you _ just so I can feel like she won’t abandon me for Stacy?

 

God, that is the stupidest intrusive thought that ever crept into my mind.

 

I threw her phone aside, I couldn't help but look at it and think the worst.  I pulled her body tight toward mine, Sara was too deep in her sleep to notice me moving her close, or let alone the fact that I was awake. 

 

What did those messages say?

 

Ugh. 

 

I wanted my thoughts to go away and for my brain to turn off. Annoyed that I was just laying in bed doing absolutely nothing, I got up to brush my teeth and grab some water. I didn't want to wake Sara up right now. I figured it would be selfish, seeing as she had a bad night. And if I woke her up I would just be asking her stupid questions about what her and Stacy are doing today. 

 

I moved my pillow upright and sat up in bed, sipping on my glass of water and the other hand caressing my sister’s thigh. 

 

Wow, she was really deep in sleep. I checked the time on the alarm clock and it was still pretty early. 7:54am to be exact. 

 

Sara pressed her back closer to me and it was really cute. I still had my hand resting on her and she was so quiet. I hope she wasn't having any nightmares, she didn't seem like it. I wanted her to feel better than she did last night when she woke up. 

 

I wanted her to feel good. 

 

I looked over at her again. So quiet and not a hum from her. 

 

And I wanted her to have me on her mind all day. All day while she was hanging out with Stacy.

 

Hmmm. 

 

I set my water down on the night table beside me and turned Sara on her back, lifting her hips so gently and sliding off her pajama shorts, kissing each leg inch by inch until my mouth met between them. 

 

She smelled so good. 

 

I took her legs in each of my hands and spread them. My kisses trailed up her inner thighs and finally to her pussy, keeping them even softer to make sure I don't wake her too abruptly. 

 

My tongue met her clit and I noticed she was already wet. I held her a little rougher in my hands and lapped small circles until it was inside her. 

 

Her hands grabbed the sheets and she finally let out a soft moan. Sara's eyes stayed closed and I'm pretty sure she didn't know I was between her legs yet. 

 

“Mmh,” her sweet hums dripped into my ears again.

 

Sara’s hand jerked between her legs, unexpectedly finding my head. “Oh!” She almost choked on her hitched breaths, “Tee-, oh my god.”

 

She started to pant heavily and I could tell she was a bit flustered right now seeing as I woke her up this way. I was going to say ‘good morning’ to her and thought it would be somewhat comical, but I decided to keep my focus between her legs and make her feel good.

 

My sister tightened her thighs around my head, arching her back and pushing her center closer to me. I knew she was almost at her tipping point now. 

 

“Shh, Sare. Just relax, baby,” she kept trying to form words but her body wouldn’t let her. I could feel her starting to convulse around my fingers and she had a death grip on my shoulder.

 

“Mmm,” I vocalised so loudly as her pleasure sent electricity from my body to hers. I kept an equally tight grip on her hips with my free hand, squeezing her bum as she rode out her orgasm.

 

Sara nearly collapsed after cursing my name and trying to hold back her orgasm, for reasons I can never understand. Maybe she likes the feeling of leading up to her climax or she wants it to last longer. I came up from between her legs and kissed my way up to her face, eventually pulling her body close to me and cuddling her.

 

“Good morning, baby.” 

 

“Mmh, good morning. You’re insane,” she breathed heavily.

 

I laughed at her still trying to catch her breath and form sentences as I kissed her sweat-slicked cheek. 

 

“Trying to make it impossible to keep you off my mind while I hang out with Stacy, huh?”

 

My heart sank as she said that.

 

“Sara! Why would you say that?” My voice cracked as I confronted her.

 

“Because I know it bugs you that I’m seeing her today,” she laughed inconsiderably and went quiet. She watched my face and she could definitely tell she hurt me. “Tee,” she said my name in an almost condescending tone, like she was going to tell me to _ relax _ . “Oh baby come on...” She nodded her head back and rolled her eyes, trying to be playful and like I was overreacting, but I didn’t think it was funny, nor think she was being sincere.

 

“Sare,” I leveled with her, wearing so much vulnerability just as I always did with her. I made sad eyes at her, I couldn’t help it. “Please don’t talk to me like that right now, you know I’m really insecure about today. I know I’m a really jealous partner and I _ hate  _ it.”

 

I wanted to cry, she was being really insensitive towards my feelings after I just took my time pleasing her.

 

Also, she wasn’t wrong about what she said. That’s probably why it stung so much.

 

“Hey,” she carried the word, “Tee.” She lifted my chin up and forced me to look at her when I really didn’t want to. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t how I wanted to make you feel. I didn’t want that to come off so insensitively. I only have eyes for you, maybe I don’t show you that enough. But I do, and I know you feel the same about me. I’ll remind you of that more. I promise.”

 

And now I’m bawling my eyes out.

 

“Tee!” Sara freaked out and hugged my head into her chest. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry! I take everything I said back, it wasn’t funny. I know that, I don’t know why I said what I did. I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?”

 

I started to feel insecure and like my face looked way too ugly and scrunched from my endless amounts of crying. I pushed Sara off of me so weakly and I could tell I made her feel even worse. I nodded my head  _ yes _ , that of course I’d forgive her.

 

I just felt really stupid right now and I didn’t want my sister to see me like this.

 

“Tee, please. Please come back here. I’m sorry,” she repeated and repeated. There was nothing she could say. I just didn’t want her to see me crying over something so stupid that I took too personally. 

 

I couldn’t help it, but walk away. I didn’t want to make her feel bad, either, but I really didn’t want her to see my face. From the corner of my eye, I watched her slip her shorts back on and run over to me.

 

“Hey, come here,” she spoke so soft and sincere. “Look at me...please?” Sara took my hands that I had hiding my face and slowly pulled them down. “I love you, Tegan, will you please come shower with me?”

 

“Okay.”

 

My sister apologized in the way of sweet nothings in my ear and kisses all over while we showered together. I got ready for the day and watched her do the same from the corner of my eye, checking if she was doing anything particular with her makeup today because of Stacy. 

 

Stupid brain.

 

“So are you excited to see her?” I asked as I looked at her in the mirror I was getting ready in, over into hers.

 

“Yes,” Sara answered as she just finished brushing her hair and grabbing her purse.  “I just don’t want you to be worried. Come on, Tee,  _ really _ . Are you hearing yourself? You should just say your thoughts out loud so you can actually see just how false and absurd they are.”

 

“When are you coming back?” I asked.

 

“When do you want to leave to go back home, baby?” She rebutted.

 

“I mean, take your time, but I guess no later than the evening,” I answered almost as if it were a question.

 

“Okay,” Sara slipped on her shoes and gave me a kiss on the lips before opening the door. “I’ll be back for four, that good?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay, you ask Colin. Text me what he says.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Hey,” Sara perked up and smiled. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too, Sare. Have fun.”


	66. Phenomenon

**Tegan**

 

I don’t know what to do with myself now.

 

This penthouse felt even bigger without Sara. She said she’d be back at four and I already caught myself looking at the clock. It wasn’t even noon yet.

 

What. The. Fuck.

 

Did they really need _ that _ long to see each other? 

 

God, I had to stop myself. I can’t stand me right now, I wanted to hit myself until I just fucked right off. 

 

Well, I guess I could take advantage of this place. I didn’t want to admit to myself that it really just wasn’t the same without Sara. Everything just seemed better with her here. 

 

Places more beautiful, bad times more cope-able, good times just incredible beyond words that are found in the dictionary.

 

But right now it’s just me. 

 

Alone.

 

I realized I was still standing at the closed door since Sara left and I should probably bring myself back to reality and out of my thoughts. 

 

Disappointed that I was going to be alone all day, I dragged my feet across the floor and back into bed. I didn’t want to do anything, I already felt insanely depressed. 

 

This hurt in the pit of my stomach so bad.

 

She loves me, she doesn’t love Stacy. You  _ know _ that, Tegan, you know that! So why the fuck am I in so much pain? 

 

Now let me tell you, what I’m about to do wasn’t my brightest moment, in fact it was an extremely low moment. I don’t know why I did it, I don’t know what inclined me to do it. Actually, I think I can answer that: I wanted the emotional pain to go away. The pain was so bad that it translated into a hollow emptiness down to my core.

 

I’m the type of person that, what I would have done was lay out what’s actually happening and know that my thoughts are untrue and don’t match, then change them. But I didn’t, I wanted some stupid ‘quick-fix’. These thoughts were just so delusional and intrusive and did nothing to serve me.

 

Neither did this.

 

_ Stacy’s convincing her to leave me and they’re figuring out how to tell me, that’s what they were texting about the past few days. Sara’s only staying with me because she doesn’t want to hurt me any more than I’ve been hurt. Sara’s not coming back. _

 

“Shut up!” I screamed, a tear rolling down my cheek. “It’s not true, it’s all lies,” I continued talking to myself.

 

_ Don’t lie to yourself, Tegan.  _

 

A pained cry escaped my throat and I almost choked. I got up out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom, searching through my bag for my razor. When I found it, I disassembled it and watched my pathetic self in the mirror.

 

No, this wasn’t because of Sara’s nightmare. And no, this wasn’t Lindsey possessing yet another one of us and choosing another victim. This was me. Just me and my stupid, un-thought-out decisions.

 

I took the blade and dragged it along my forearm. Somewhere that I knew wasn’t going to hurt me too much or cut too deep, but enough to keep my mind off of Stacy.

 

Mid-cut, the door opened and startled me, dropping the bloodied blade to the floor. 

 

“Tegan? It’s me, I’ve come to steal you from your boredom! Are you decent?” Emy’s chipper voiced echoed through to the bathroom. I immediately panicked and grabbed the hand towel next to me and pressed it against my skin.

 

“Fuck fuck fuck!” I cursed under my breath in excruciating pain. “Uh, I’m just in the bathroom, I’ll be out in two minutes!”

 

With that thirty seconds of stupidity I had just done, I let her win.

 

**Sara**

 

_ Sara: Hey, Em. Do you guys mind keeping Tegan company for a bit today? I don’t think she’s doing anything and she’s probably going crazy - I’m spending some time with Stacy for a few hours. You’re the best. _

 

God, I was nervous.

 

As you already know, Stacy and I were going out to lunch. She had a place in mind, so I told her I would meet her there. I decided to walk because I needed the air right now, but the forty minutes gave me a lot of time to work up my nerves and have my thoughts run a mile a minute.

 

We had been texting back and forth since she came back, so two days ago. I knew Tegan wasn’t happy at all about it. I’m a little worried about leaving her alone right now, too, but it was something this relationship was going to have to face. Even if she really wasn’t okay with it.

 

_ Emy: Hey Sara. Oh no! Yes of course we will. Colin and I just grabbed a coffee out in the city, we’ll be back in an hour to get her. :)  _

 

The restaurant was called Heising and I had just got here. Stacy was already inside, so I walked in and past the hostess’ podium. She told me she was sitting in the far back next to a portrait of a woman from the 1940s. I looked around the picturesque room and found her within a second. There she was, just like I had remembered her, untouched by Lindsey: Dark blonde wavy hair, sun-kissed skin and glowing smile as I caught her eye.

 

I was beyond happy to see her, it felt euphoric, but did I mention how nervous I was? 

 

Two chairs across from each other, divided by a cute, circular wooden table in front of a warm fireplace. This place was incredibly fancy. She stood up from her fancy seat as I walked up to her and we hugged each other.

 

We didn’t let go.

 

“Hi Stacy.”

 

“Hi Sara.”

 

Tighter. I could feel her breathing against my body as her chest moved up and down. We took another deep breath together. 

 

It had been so long.

 

“I’ve missed you,” she finally spoke.

 

She knew the feeling was mutual. “Mhm,” I responded and kept hugging her as tight as my body would allow. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

I think she realized that we were still hugging each other so tightly and that it got quiet between us. She was lingering. Stacy and I, mutually, released each other from our hug and her hand held mine for a split second.

 

I could tell she wanted to hold them for longer. It didn’t make anything awkward, though. How could I not have expected that? Of course there were going to be some resurfacing feelings.

 

Assuming that they had even dissipated.

 

“Good choice,” I started some unnecessary small talk as I pulled my chair into the table, but I was genuinely bewildered by this place. “It’s really...Edwardian.”

 

“Yeah,” she laughed sincerely at my choice of words. “Only you would say something like that, my lexicon doesn’t go that far.”

 

“Well, I might not have said the right era and you wouldn’t even have known.”

 

“That is true, you could just be fooling me. You’re probably not as smart as I think you are, or as you come off.”

 

I tilted my head to the side, still serious and pretending to be in deep thought. “No, I’m pretty sure I am.”

 

Stacy tastefully lifted her chin as she giggled softly, revealing the scars Lindsey left on her neck. “Okay, Sara. I won’t argue with you.”

 

I smiled, ready to brush it off and act like I didn’t notice.

 

“Stace,” but I couldn’t help it. “Do you...remember...anything?” I spoke my words slowly as I brushed my fingers along my own neck.

 

“Everything.”

 

My eyes went wide. “You do?”

 

The waiter passed and poured us each some wine, to which Stacy grabbed and took a sip. “I remember coming home from Lindsey’s funeral and going into my closet and hanging myself.”

 

“Wow, I didn’t realize. I thought you were going to say you didn’t remember anything.”

 

“I wish.”

 

“What about after?”

 

“Not a thing. The last thing I remember was hanging myself.”

 

“What about--”

 

“Then I remember being in your hotel room, that was the first thing I remember since I’ve been...back.”

 

That’s exactly what I was going to ask her. 

 

“How did you know it wasn’t me?” She asked.

 

“You’re gonna hate me, but I didn’t. It was Tegan who kept telling me something was up. I was in denial.”

 

“What was up, exactly? What did Tegan notice?” She was going to have a  _ lot _ of questions.

 

“Well, you, or...Lindsey, was being really flirty with me. I told Tegan I noticed it, but it was harmless and I wasn’t going to do anything about it.”

 

“What else did Lindsey do?”

 

“Tegan noticed your neck and it terrified her, she also said you just weren’t talking the same way. You know how you have a bubbly energy? It was gone, she said it was like you were dead. Tegan’s so smart when it comes to intuition, but I can’t believe I completely ignored her. We got into a lot of fights over it actually.”

 

“Wow.” Stacy was almost speechless. 

 

“ _ You _ guys actually got into a lot of fights, a full out fist-fight at one time, too.”

 

“Oh my god. Why?” She asked, baffled. 

 

“You were being pretty obnoxious one day, we all went to the beach and you were coming on a little too strong at me and Tegan just blew up. She followed you to the bathroom and Emy and I had to come over and stop it. You guys were so loud, I'm sure everyone heard. Smashing each other into the walls and punching each other's faces. It got really ugly. 

 

“No way, so who won the brawl?”

 

“Well, when it ended. I took your side when I really shouldn’t have. I even made sure you got back to the room okay and took you there myself. Tegan kept trying to tell me not to and to be careful, but I ignored her.” 

 

“You’re kidding! Poor Tegan, she was just looking out for you. So you took my side, what happened?”

 

I almost choked on my wine, I contemplated telling her this part.

 

I wasn’t sure where to start. Or how to say it.

 

“Uhh,” I took another sip of my wine before forming a complete sentence. “I found myself back in my room the next day, I didn't remember anything. Tegan had to explain to me what happened.”

 

Stacy’s face turned to stone, realizing what I was implying. “I…”

 

“I don’t know how much you want to know; Tegan remembers it more than I do...I wasn't conscious or aware of my surroundings. Lindsey talked me into going to the bar with her and she put something in my drink. She hasn’t stopped kicking herself for letting me go with you back to your room that day. She dismissed it only because I had my cell phone with me. I told her I’d message her throughout the night, but Lindsey did that for me. I don’t remember a thing. She came back to the hotel and just started banging on your door until you answered.”

 

I swear I could make out tears in her eyes; she felt horrible. “Are...are you okay?”

 

“Yeah,” I reached out and put my hand on hers. “We’ve been dealt a pretty bad hand this week, but I am.”

 

“I’m  _ so _ sorry.”

 

“For what? You didn’t do anything.” I smiled, assuring her that I really was okay now.

 

“What about Tegan?”

 

“Well, she hates Lindsey with a burning passion, but I’m sure you could have guessed that.”

 

“What about me?”

 

“What  _ about _ you?” I smiled, “she doesn’t hate you.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes. She's just, uhh, she’s just  _ really _ jealous.”

 

Stacy looked around and seemed distracted. Just as she did, I noticed my phone was buzzing. “Oh, that’s mine,” I clued in as I took it out of my bag to check it. “And speaking of Tegan…”

 

“Is she okay?” Stacy asked with genuine concern.

 

“Yeah,” I focused on the screen, staring at her message with no actual matter attached to it. “She’s just a little uneasy about today, that’s all.”

 

_ Tegan: Just wanted to say hi. I hope you’re enjoying yourself, babe. <3 _

 

Stacy didn’t respond other than listening sympathetically and nodding her head.

 

“Ugh, sorry Stace. I’m gonna respond to this. I don’t want her to worry or anything.”

 

“It’s okay, go ahead. I would expect it because of what happened last time. It’s okay.”

 

_ Pretty sure she’s convinced I’m still in love with you and that’s why she’s worried. But that’s an idea, too. . _

 

I raised my brows and nodded, as if she had brought up a good point and I was agreeing with her.

 

_ Sara: Hi baby! We’re just having lunch at this really nice restaurant. Everything’s good :) I’ll see you in a few hours. I love you a lot.  _

 

Our meals came and to say the least they definitely looked exquisite. Tasted that way, too. We had some more good conversations, but a little less heavy on the emotions while we ate. We were there for about half an hour longer and one bottle of wine later. 

 

“I got the bill, Sare.” Stacy smiled as she grabbed the cheque from the centre of the table and took her cash out.

 

“Oh, Stace, you shouldn’t have. You’re so sweet.”

 

“You wanna go for a walk and check out the city?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“When did you tell Tegan you were going to be back?”

 

I checked my cell phone to see the time and smiled at her. “We still have a lot of time.”

 

“I saw this beautiful bridge overlooking the lake, I want to take you there.”

 

We walked about twenty minutes from the restaurant until she found it. Stacy was good at directions; I would have had to take out my phone and use the GPS the entire time. It took a lot of turns to get there and she didn’t even looked lost, that's a skill I would never have. 

 

I sat down and let my legs dangle off the ledge and Stacy did the same as she sat beside me. 

 

“Gorgeous, huh?” She turned her head and smiled. 

 

“Yeah, I love this.”

 

“So what's Tegan up to?”

 

“I don't know, I told Emy to keep her company. She was just having coffee with Colin when I messaged her, so I'm sure they're together now.”

 

I noticed Stacy brought up Tegan’s name a lot, but maybe that shouldn't surprise me. 

 

“God, it feels so weird being here. Being...back. How long was I...dead...for?”

 

It was weird. 

 

“You don't know how happy I am to be with you right now, Stacy. It was probably a week, maybe not even that.”

 

“Mhm, I'm still taking all of this in as much as you are. It's overwhelming. So much has happened.”

 

“Mhm,” I sympathized as we both looked out into the view of the lake. 

 

“Lindsey was an awful person, Sare. I don't know why I put up with her for so long.”

 

“She really hurt Tegan.”

 

“I wish I was never a part of that,” her voice was thick and apologetic. She was talking about the time Lindsey raped Tegan and Stacy did nothing to stop it. And not only that, Stacy raped her, too, and recorded it. I didn't think I could ever forgive Stacy for that. 

 

“It is what it is, Stace. Tegan was more forgiving than I was. It's behind us now, I know you're a good person. And I know I hurt you, too.”

 

I really did know Stacy was a good person. We were together for so long and I knew so much about her and her nature. She was good. It was fucked up what she did and I hated her for it. I'll never forget what she did and neither will Tegan. 

 

But Lindsey was the one I never had a good feeling about and Tegan would never listen to me. I just thought she was cold and never that friendly with me. 

 

Come to think of it, I never thought she was very good to Tegan either, but she was too infatuated to notice. Lindsey was always very stubborn and thoughtless when it came to their relationship. 

 

“I’ve missed you, Sare.”

 

Her sad eyes were staring at my hopeful eyes. I could see the hurt all over her face as she searched mine for answers. The sound of the waves hitting the bridge filled my ears and my palms were getting hot on the cement as they supported me.

 

“I’ve missed you, too, Stace,” I smiled, hoping she would smile, too.

 

Stacy touched my arm and let her hand linger there, brushing my skin with her thumb. She leaned in and moved her face closer to mine. Her hand moved from my arm to my jaw as she inched closer and closed her eyes.

 

Reluctantly and hoping I wouldn't hurt her feelings, I backed away an inch. All I could think of in that moment was Tegan and how worried she was that something like this was going to happen.

 

“Not like that, Stace.” You could hear it in my voice; I felt horrible for offending her. I knew I did. I knew she had the glimpse of hope that we could still be together.

 

“Oh, right. I--I’m sorry. You love Tegan.”

 

“I do, I didn’t mean to lead you on if I did,” I apologized.

 

“No, you didn’t. You care about me, but your heart is with your sister. I get it.”

 

“You’re going to fall in love with the one if that’s what you want, I promise.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

The silence after her apology was borderline deafening. She made it awkward, I couldn’t dance around it.

 

“Maybe we should go back,” I got up and held out my hand which inevitably got rejected. She was more hurt than trying to be rude, not worrying about how I felt right now I’m sure.

 

I couldn’t have imagined a more awkward walk back. I had no idea how to fill the silence, but she didn’t seem to mind it. 

 

We walked into the hotel lobby. 

 

Quiet. 

 

Up the elevator. 

 

Deafening. 

 

Once we got to our floor I couldn’t bare to listen to this anymore.

 

“Stacy, please say something,” I begged. “I’m starting to feel really uncomfortable.”

 

“Don’t, Sare. You don’t have to feel that way. I’m okay,” she was so helpless and passive.

 

“I don’t want to ruin this relationship and make it awkward.”

 

Apparently there was a lot wrong with what I had just said, because she gave me a really uneasy look. And I realized what I said was the most hypocritical thing ever.

 

“Sara, you started sleeping with your sister while we were in a committed relationship with me.”

 

Wow, just when I thought it couldn’t get any more awkward, she went there. 

 

“I guess I didn’t think before I spoke.”

 

“I’m not trying to  _ ruin _ this or make it  _ awkward _ ,” she spoke with air quotes with her fingers. “I’m just stating the obvious.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Everyone’s in Emy’s room?” Stacy asked, completely unaffected by the tone of this conversation. It was just me.

 

“Yeah, it’s this room,” I placed my hand on the door handle and opened it.

 

This penthouse suite was gorgeous. It looked slightly rearranged compared to ours, but still as breathtaking and gigantic.

 

The first person I saw was Tegan, facing away from me and laughing with Emy. I could hear in her laugh she wasn’t fully comfortable. I could hear worry, hurt and unease. But I knew Emy, and Emy was taking Tegan’s mind off of what was bothering her as best as she could.

 

Emy’s always going to be the most selfless person I know.

 

My sister turned around as soon as she heard the door open and her expression took a one eighty.

 

“Sara!” My name carried as she ran toward me, completely dismissing Stacy, who just walked over to the other room. I’m assuming she went over to talk to Colin.

 

Emy was laughing and looking over while Tegan grabbed my hand and pulled me out to the hallway. She pushed me up against the closed door and gave me an overwhelmingly passionate kiss.

 

“Hi baby,” she excited between kisses. “How was your day?”

 

I laughed slightly uncomfortably. If it wasn’t for that cringeworthy and awkward end to the day, I wouldn’t have been off. 

 

But it happened. And I was.

 

“Oh,” Tegan looked disappointed, sad that she didn’t notice the expression on my face earlier. “Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah--”

 

She’s good. And quick to interrupt my unintended lie. “What happened?”

 

I took a while to speak, but just as I mustered up the courage.

 

“Sare, what did she do?” Her tone was almost panic now. “Sare?”

 

“She--”

 

“She kissed you, didn’t she?” Tegan was about to cry now as soon as her brain jumped to that conclusion, with anger thick in her voice.

 

“No Tee, no baby.” I mustered up more courage, “but she tried to.”

 

Tegan’s jaw dropped and she was in awe. Beyond outraged. I swear I could see the blood boiling in her veins and heart pounding a mile a minute from the outside.

 

“She tried to kiss you?!” Tegan already had her hand on the door about to bust it open.

 

“Tee, don’t--”

 

“Are you  _ fucking _ kidding me?”

 

“Tegan...” I grabbed her by her shoulders and hoped she would recognize my social cues. “Baby, please don’t,” my voice was shaking now. I’d be ecstatic if I didn't have to see another fight in the near future.

 

“Come with me,” Tegan had a death-grip on my hand and it was obvious she was more hurt than anything. She pushed the door open and stormed over to the other room where Stacy and Colin were conversing over the loud music.

 

Hand still tightly wrapped in mine, her other pulling at Stacy’s shoulder and turning her with aggression.

 

“Really, Stacy?

 

She didn’t say anything.

 

“You tried to kiss her? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Haven’t you done enough?” She shook me unintentionally with her hand in mine, so angry at my ex-lover right now.

 

“Tegan…” Stacy started to explain.

 

“She doesn’t fucking want you,” my sister’s words were toxic and laced with anger. She said it painfully slow as if she had to spell it out for her.

 

My sister’s comment just about tore Stacy apart.

 

I couldn’t find words, but I wanted to apologize on Tegan’s behalf. She didn’t truly mean it to hurt her, she was just extremely angry right now.

 

Colin gave me a look, and I knew that look. Tegan would be one to throw a punch in a time like this and he didn’t want to hold her down. I reached for her other hand and held it, I didn’t want this fight to turn physical.

 

I closed my eyes and squeezed Tegan’s hand a little tighter, enough to make it known how uncomfortable I was in this situation.

 

“Tegan, it was an accident.” I defended her. Besides, Tegan was being unreasonably harsh. I knew Tegan was going to question why I was defending her, but I would have been crying right now if I was in her shoes.

 

“Did she forget you’re not together anymore?” Tegan looked at me, mocking the question.

 

“Tee, come on. Please stop.”

 

“I read the signs wrong, it was just in the spurt of the moment and a habit, I guess. I’m sorry, Tegan, I’m still not used to all of this. It really was a mistake. Can’t you just accept my apology?”

 

“I wish you were still dead.”

 

“Tegan!” I yelled at her. How dare she say something so fucked up like that? I can’t believe she just went there after all that had just happened, and how happy she knew I was for Stacy to be in my life again.

 

I totally saw it coming; Stacy didn’t even think before doing what she was about to do. Her jaw dropped just like mine as soon as that comment came out of my sister’s mouth. 

 

My gut instinct was to let go of Tegan’s hand, but I totally didn’t think to push her out of the way. Stacy tightened her fist and threw one of the hardest punches I’ve ever seen her throw right at Tegan’s jaw.

 

Colin did nothing, either, at least for the first punch. We were both in too much shock at what just happened.

 

I was scared; I didn’t feel comfortable defending Tegan because I couldn’t justify what she had said to Stacy. This was going to turn into a disgusting fight unless I stopped it, but my intuition had me running over to Colin and burying my head into his shoulder.

 

I didn’t want to look.

 

Emy, Jasper and Ted were staring now. The music was still rumbling over Stacy and Tegan’s furious discourse and blows.

 

“Fuck you!” I heard Tegan throw a punch back and I was crying now. This was the last thing I wanted to happen today.

 

Before Stacy could fight back, I cut between them and pushed them off of each other. I bawled harder and didn’t say a word, shaking my head back and forth and holding their wrists.

 

“Tegan, if you love me you’ll give me some space.” Small, I walked away from them and out of their suite, gently shutting the door behind me. There was a part of me hoping that Tegan would follow, but both of us knows she owes Stacy an apology and then I wouldn’t be so upset.

 

And she better do it soon, we’re going home tonight.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	67. Swathe

**Sara**

 

I sat upright in my bed staring at the wall across from me. The room was empty, I had packed all of Tegan’s and my things. It had been an hour and a bit now and still no Tegan, I wondered where her mind was right now. If she is selfless enough to consider my feelings or so rattled up that she can’t.

 

A knock on my door threw me out of my thoughts, not like I was doing anything productive anyway.

 

It was Colin, and he wasn’t looking the happiest right now.

 

“Hey, Sare. You all set to go?” 

 

“Yeah, I packed Tegan’s stuff, too. Where is she?”

 

“I thought you spoke to her since, that’s weird.”

 

“I’ll text her,” I said as Colin came in to grab Tegan’s suitcase.

 

_ Sara: Hey. Colin and I will be in the lobby. I packed your things for you. _

 

_ Tegan: Thank you, I’ll be there. I’m sorry, I didn’t think to pack, my mind’s been all over the place. _

 

“I’m really sorry that happened back at Ted’s room, I can’t believe Tegan said that.”

 

_ Sara: See you in a bit. _

 

“What happened when I left?”

 

Colin sighed. I could tell he didn’t want to tell me, and I had a feeling exactly what happened.

 

“They kept fighting, I wish I could tell you otherwise,” Colin broke it to me.

 

“It’s okay, I guess I figured that. Tegan was really hurt.”

 

“Well, I didn’t stay for much longer after. We broke them up and made sure they were separated and able to tolerate each other in the same room.”

 

I didn’t say anything.

 

“And you’re right - Tegan was really hurt,” he continued as he held my room door open for me, ready to leave to the lobby.

 

“Ugh, I know. I had to tell her. I wouldn’t have lied to her about Stacy trying to kiss me, but it’s not about that. It’s that Tegan actually said that to Stacy. I hate to say it, but she deserved every punch Stacy threw at her,” I leveled.

 

“I guess we’ll see how Tegan’s doing now,” Colin said.

 

I nodded as Colin and I strolled our suitcases into the elevator, letting out a deep sigh. I could already tell how she’s doing by the short texts she had sent me.  

 

“Guess so.”

 

The elevator doors opened and I scoped out the lobby for my sister. She wasn’t too hard to find; her aura just screamed sadness and gloom. She had on all black--pants, leather jacket, shirt, everything. We made eye contact and I saw so much emotion in her face, not to mention scratches from the fight.

 

I said nothing and held out my hand. Tegan was slow to take it and I felt worse for her the more I examined her face. She looked awful, but I wasn’t going to say a word. And definitely not about that. 

 

The walk to Colin’s car was quiet, and so was the drive to the hangar where he left his jet. Regardless of the silence, I held Tegan’s hand the whole way. Maybe she could feel that part of me was angry with her, and maybe that made her more upset.

 

We unloaded our suitcases from Colin’s car and I decided to keep Tegan company during the flight home instead of playing pilot. I forgot how long this flight was going to take. We were nine hours ahead in Germany, and by the time we got to LA it would be night again. 

 

As soon as Tegan stepped onto the jet, she headed to the back to lay down and detached my hand from hers. I gave Colin an apologetic look as I followed Tegan. 

 

“Tee,” I broke the silence as I sat down on the couches right after her. “You really shouldn't have said that to Stacy.”

 

Shit. I didn’t mean for that to come out of my mouth.

 

“Of course that's all you care about right now,” she was hurt as she rolled her water-filled eyes. 

 

I tried so hard not to lose my patience with her and see this situation from her perspective. Colin couldn't hear us much right now, he'd be focused on navigating and there was a wall separating us. 

 

“That's  _ not _ all I care about!” I stressed my words, but didn't want to give her sympathy. What she said to Stacy is no joke. “As long as you're not seriously hurt, that's what I care about, too, you know that?”

 

“Yeah, guess I'm fine,” she was being passive-aggressive now. 

 

“It's not like you didn't deserve that punch.”

 

“Are you just here to tell me what I already know?”

 

“No, I just wished you apologized for what you did. Colin told me you two just kept fighting.”

 

“Yeah, well...Stacy’s no saint in this either, Sara.”

 

“Because she punched after you said you wanted her dead?”

 

“Because she tried to fucking  _ kiss _ you!” She snapped.

 

I let out a deep sigh and laid down on the couch, feet resting on my sister’s lap.

 

“Do you know how betrayed that made me feel? That’s the same girl that helped Lindsey rape me and then beg me for my forgiveness. And then she does this, how could she do  _ this  _ to me?” Tegan looked like she was about to lose it.

 

“Tee baby, I think you need to remove yourself from this situation. I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t know why she tried to kiss me, either. Maybe she really did forget that her and I aren’t together anymore, I don’t know. Remember, she probably is a little out of it still. You know I stopped it before she could do anything.”

 

“Why do you always need to defend her? You’re always defending her! Can’t you see I just need you to be here for me right now?”

 

I did see that. And I felt really bad as soon as I did. Maybe I was being too tough love with her right now.

 

And that’s definitely not what she needed.

 

“Come here,” I whispered and gave her a look of acknowledgement that I was being really hard on her. “I’m sorry.”

 

I didn’t know what else to say as Tegan laid beside me bawling her eyes out. I didn’t want to say anything to make the situation worse. I comforted her and massaged her until she fell asleep. I knew she would doze off quick--that’s just what crying does to you.

 

And I could tell she had been crying all day.

 

I looked at my watch; hours passed and my sister was still asleep in my arms, making discomforted hums as if she were having a nightmare. I held her close every time she made a sound like that. 

 

While she slept, I couldn’t help but be occupied by social media. Well, more specifically what social media had to say about us. 

 

The whole  _ quincest _ thing was getting way out of control. People were ‘shipping’ it hardcore, what the actual fuck? Of course there were people against it and I’m sure we had already lost some fans’ respects. Well, a lot of fans’ respects. 

 

Yet I couldn’t help my curiosity over the ones who supported it.

 

There were a lot of photoshopped pictures of Tegan and I together, but interestingly enough there were some real ones that had surfaced. An overwhelming amount of people actually were okay with this. We had set this issue aside for so long dealing with the whole Stacy thing.

 

I saw a lot of discussions going on in our comments about incest and a lot of people debating about its morality. I wanted to delete them all, but it would be no use. A couple hundred would just come back once I refreshed the page.

 

Back to my point, we’ve been taught that it’s wrong, and we barely think twice about it. Two humans having a romantic or intimate relationship if they’re related.

 

It’s just odd. 

 

And wrong. 

 

Gross.

 

No questions asked. 

 

The royals did it, but of course that doesn’t mean everyone should be doing it. They just did it to keep their royalty. If I had to take an educated shot in the dark, it’s wrong because their children are going to be born with a deformity. At least it’s much more likely because their genetics are so similar. 

 

And so, these opinions made a good point. What about incest in gay relationships? You can’t have children if you’re gay, obviously. And then all that’s left is the ‘gross’ factor, which is just a learned opinion. 

 

I mean, all this aside,  _ I know _ this is weird. Maybe it’s just unfamiliar to me, too, but I’m a little terrified to see my mom in a few hours because of what she thinks of me and Tegan’s relationship.

 

She’s not gonna let us sleep in the same bed, I’ll call that one already.

 

After stalking our situation on the internet, I got restless and fell in and out of sleep with Tegan. She was so peaceful, I haven’t seen that lately. Now if only she could be this way when she’s awake.

 

She looked so comfy with her big sweater and sleeves balled up in her fists as she set them on my chest. I took a good look at her face and dabbed the tears from her cheeks.

 

“Are we there yet?” Tegan mumbled sleepily.

 

“Not yet, my girl. You can sleep longer.”

 

My sister took a deep breath and exhaled as she readjusted her body next to mine. “Okay.”

 

I ended up dozing off with Tegan in my arms. Before I knew it, the jet was descending and my ears began to pop. Tegan was clearly trying to ignore it and just buried her head deeper into my neck.

 

“Hey Tee, we’re here. It’s time to get up now. Did you sleep well?”

 

“Mmm, it was good.” She was groggy and barely eyes open yet. “Who’s that?”

 

“Who’s who?”

 

“Your phone buzzed,” and her ears perked up as soon as it did.

 

“Oh,” I picked it up to see. “Uhh, Stacy.”

 

“Have you been talking to her this whole time?” Her walls went back up in an instant. 

 

Ugh, Tegan. Stop.

 

“No, this is the first message she’s sent me,” I didn’t want her thinking the worst. Her jealousy was starting to really suffocate me.

 

“What did she say?”

 

This was getting intrusive. It started to feel like she didn’t trust me.

 

“I don’t know. Here.” I unlocked my phone to the message without checking and tossed it to her.

 

“ _ Hey Sare, I want to apologize again for today. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen, especially with Tegan. I hope she’s feeling better and that you two had a safe trip home.’ _ Fuck you, Stacy.”

 

Tegan rolled her eyes and spat the words laced with jealousy and hate.

 

I didn’t say anything, I was over this situation. I could see she was writing a reply back to her and I didn’t have the energy to fight with her right now. Whatever she sends to Stacy I’ll have to apologize for later. Or maybe Stacy will know it was from Tegan and not me.

 

I stayed silent in my own corner while Tegan tapped her thumbs aggressively at my phone. I could see her glaring at the screen as she slid up to read our entire conversation.

 

There was nothing at all to hide, but  _ really? _

 

I grabbed my suitcase and rolled it out and down the stairs over to Colin’s car so he could take us home to mom’s. Tegan kept her nose buried in my phone and pulled her luggage along behind me. 

 

She was definitely still messaging Stacy.

 

I sat in the passenger seat and Tegan sat behind me. Colin felt the negative energy from Tegan and didn’t even bother saying a word. That negative energy could have been felt a mile away, but I still had to shoot apologetic eyes at him.

 

He tilted his head with a half-smile and loving eyes as he unlocked the door and followed me to the trunk of the car. “Say hi to Sonia for me,” he kissed me on the cheek and gave me a tight squeeze before grabbing our things.

 

I smiled at his warmth; I value his friendship so much. “I will. Thank you for everything as always, Colin.”

 

“Bye, Tegan.” 

 

“Bye,” she farewelled in a soft voice as she gave him a reserved hug.

 

Tegan stood between Colin’s car and mom’s. You guessed it, face buried in my phone and fixated on harmless messages to my ex-girlfriend. I waited for her to look up as I watched Colin drive away.

 

“So you didn’t lead her on, huh?” Tegan didn’t even look at me while she condescendingly made that comment.

 

“Huh?”

 

She kept scrolling through the conversation.

 

“‘ _ I can’t wait to see you, Stace... I miss you... Tomorrow isn’t coming soon enough... I’m going to hug you so tight when I see you _ .’” Tegan had no shame invading my privacy as she read my scattered messages to Stacy.

 

“Does it even faze you that you’ve been looking through my phone for over an hour?” I asked.

 

“Does it even faze you that you just change the subject like you’re not doing anything wrong?” She retaliated and finally made eye contact.

 

“ _ What _ am I doing wrong?” My voice raised a bit, she was riding on my last nerve.

 

“Just say it, Sare.”

 

“Say what?!” Ugh, fuck. I was yelling at her.

 

“You still love her,” my sister claimed with complete certainty.

 

“What?!” I scrunched my brows at her and scoffed.

 

“You’re in love with her, Sare! Just say it!” She was being really unreceptive to everything I was saying to try to ease her right now.

 

“Tegan, no--”

 

“Just fucking say it!” She lashed out.

 

“No.”

 

“Say it!” She raised her voice and shoved me.

 

“ _ Don’t _ push me,” I shoved her up against the side of mom’s car and she screamed.

 

I didn’t hurt her, at least the pain wasn’t what she was focusing on.

 

“Don’t fucking lie to me! You knew that was going to happen today, didn’t you? You knew she was flirting with you the whole time! The messages are so obvious! You knew she was going to fucking try something!” She accused me.

 

I spoke slowly and tried to be calm. Apparently I had to spell it out for her. “Tegan, I didn’t know anything--”

 

“That night you went back to the hotel with her from the beach, when she was being a fucking cunt to me. When we got into a fight and she was hurt and you offered to go back with her. You left with her on purpose, didn’t you?! You knew exactly what she was planning. She didn’t even have to put anything in your drink. You would have let her fuck you, wouldn't you? You wanted her to--”

 

“Shut the fuck up! Shut up!” I grabbed her shoulders and slammed her against mom’s car again. How dare she say that? After I was traumatized and she let me bawl my eyes out on her that night. After she reassured me that it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t know what was happening. “I fucking hate you!”

 

“I hate you, too, Sare! I hate you for letting me fall in love with you! I hate you! I knew you would go back to Stacy and leave me!” Her voice broke and she was crying now.

 

“Girls!” Mom burst open the front door to see us screaming at each other out front, rattled and agitated. “Come inside right now!”

 

We were totally causing a scene on the street and it embarrassed mom. It was night and quiet except for our deafening altercation.

 

“Give me my phone,” I demanded, ripping it out of her hand as I headed toward the house.

 

“Sara,” Tegan called my name with her broken cries and it nearly ripped my heart in two.

 

Mom was waiting by the door and beyond frustrated with us. I could tell she was dying for us to get inside and finish making a scene. I was just about to walk inside, but I turned around the second I heard Tegan say my name like that.

 

What are we doing?

 

“Sare,” mom pulled at my elbow. “That’s enough, come inside.”

 

I was flustered, that argument happened so fast. I was embarrassed that mom saw us fighting like that. We shouldn’t have fought like that, we didn’t mean any of it. I didn’t know what to say, if anything at all.

 

Tegan walked in and shut the door behind her. She was in tears and trying her best to keep her sobs quiet. 

 

“Are you alright, baby?” Mom asked.

 

“I think I’m just gonna go to bed. I’m gonna sleep downstairs tonight.” We had a guest room in the basement and Tegan liked to stay there sometimes. It’s where she keeps her guitar and things. When she wanted to be separate from the world she would hang out there.

 

“Okay, I love you.” 

 

I stayed quiet as I stood with my back against the hallway wall, watching my sister drag her suitcase downstairs with a broken face. My heart had sunk and my stomach hurt.

 

Tegan was gone and it was just mom and I. The quiet was painful to endure and I started to walk toward the stairs.

 

“Sweetie,” mom held my arms lovingly. “Give her time, I don’t want you going down there.”

 

“Mom, please.” I was terrified of what she thought of me, “I didn’t mean to make her cry.”

 

“I know you didn’t, she’s going to be okay.”

 

“I want to apologize to her.”

 

“Give her time, baby. It’s better if you stay up here.”

 

“Mom, please.” I made begging eyes at her.

 

“This isn’t easy for me. Please know that, Sara.”

 

“I need to see her,” I attested.

 

“Sara,” her tone was serious. “I don’t trust you girls together, not with the bed down there. I know what’s going to happen after you make up, and I don’t want it happening under my roof. Please respect that and stay up here tonight. She’s going to be okay.” 

 

I knew that was coming.

 

“Oh, um, okay.” I felt awkward that she brought it up. “Got it.”

 

“You didn’t get it last time.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry.”

 

“You’re only sorry you got caught, I know you girls did it again the second night at the cottage. I thought you were staying in your room--”

 

“Mom,  _ I know! _ You’re making me feel extremely uncomfortable.” This was near humiliating.

 

“Baby, I’m sorry. But you have to understand how uncomfortable I felt and where I’m coming from. You girls are my daughters.”

 

“I know, mom,” my voice quieted as I repeated myself empathetically. “I’m gonna go to bed, I’m exhausted.”

 

Mom walked in and gave me a tight hug. “I love you more than anything, Sare. You girls are my pride and joy.”

 

I can't believe she still means that. 

 

“I love you, too. Goodnight.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek and went upstairs, still rather humiliated.

 

I waited two hours. One for mom to go up to her room, and the second to be sure she was actually asleep. She was a fairly light sleeper, though, which worried me a lot. Yep, I’m about to go against my word to my mom. Again. And I feel awful about it, but I need to go and make sure she is okay.

 

God, the floors better not creak.

 

I went as slow as possible, which may not have been the smartest idea, but I was terrified of her hearing me. I even made sure I had socks on, if that even helps in the slightest.

 

My bed made the most faint sound as I carefully stumbled out of it and walked over to my door. I kept all the rooms pitch black and made sure not to stub my toe on anything.

 

Quietly down the hallway.

 

I was in the clear and at the stairs. I sat down on the top step and made sure not to put too much weight on them as I crawled down. They were old and I knew they would make a noise if I just tiptoed my way.

 

Successfully, I reached the main floor and I could be less careful now. There was one last set of stairs separating me from my sister. And those, I tiptoed down quietly.

 

“Tee?” I whispered, not wanting to startle her or turn on the light to her room in case she was already sleeping. It took a while for my eyes to adjust to the darkness and I saw Tegan curled up in a ball in her bed once I did. I slowly crawled into bed beside her and spooned her.

 

She seemed so small. I couldn’t make out her face or anything, but I could feel she was still in her big sweater. Her arms were tucked into her body out of her sleeves, by her sides rather than in fists. 

 

I smoothed my hands down the material of the sweater and caressed her skin as I made my way up her waist to hold onto her arms. For a quick second I thought she had another shirt underneath because I felt some sort of material on her arms, but when I held her longer and felt it I noticed it was something else. 

 

I grabbed my phone and turned on the flashlight and lifted up her sweater, trying my best not to wake her. I just wanted to get a closer look as to what was covering her arm.

 

I gasped hard. 

 

“Oh my god, baby.” I freaked out a little louder than I wanted to. She had gauze wrapped all along her forearm and it was covered in blood. “No you didn’t, Tee.”

 

She pushed her bum back into my hips and pulled my arm tight around her subconsciously. 

 

“Sara?” 

 

“What did you do to your arm, baby?” There was anxiety in my voice, it was like my nightmare had come true. I don’t know why I asked a stupid question like that; I knew exactly what she did to her arm and why she wrapped it up.

 

“Oh,” she pulled away. “I didn’t think mom would let you come down here.”

 

“Tee,” I had tears running down my cheek now. “Why is your arm bandaged?”

 

“It was an accident--”

 

“When did you do that?”

 

“This morning. I’m okay, I promise.”

 

“How could that be an accident?” I interrogated her. 

 

“My thoughts wouldn't stop, I wasn't thinking.” She looked defeated, all of her rage from tonight had subsided. She was exhausted. 

 

I pulled her sweater up so I could hold onto her arm. 

 

“Thoughts?” I sniffled, “What thoughts, Tee?”

 

“Everything I yelled at you about tonight. I know it's not true, I  _ know  _ that. I just wish someone could tell that to my brain. And I hate myself for almost believing it.” She started to cry.

 

“I can’t believe you did that, Tee. Does it hurt?”

 

“Yes,” she sobbed.

 

I sighed and grabbed her tight. Anxiety. “Do you need stitches?”

 

“No, it’s not that deep.” I hoped she was right, for both of our sakes.

 

“Don’t you  _ ever _ do something like that again, Tegan.”

 

“I know,  _ I know!” _ She bawled into my arms, body shaking.

 

“Why would you do that, Tee?!”

 

“I don’t know, I don’t know!” She was hysterical now, and I was close to getting that way too. “I just couldn’t handle thinking you didn’t love me.”

 

“You’re so stupid, Tee! I’m not going anywhere, why can’t you see that?” I sobbed into the crook of her neck.

 

“You know why,” I could barely make out her words.

 

“Which is so stupid, Tee.”

 

“I know, Sare. And I hate it!”

 

“Girls…”

 

We didn’t even notice mom had come downstairs and it startled us. Especially me, since I knew I wasn’t supposed to be down here. And of course, we were making a scene. 

 

As usual.

 

Tegan started to bawl harder and mom walked over to her side. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay,” mom comforted her as she turned on the lamp on the night table. “Oh, Tegan! What did you do?” She shrieked the second the light shone on her daughter’s wounded arm covered in gauze.

 

“I didn’t mean to,” Tegan spoke with scrunched orbs and vulnerability. “It was an accident.”

 

I was able to get a better look at it myself. I couldn’t help but hold her tight despite mom being here. Her cut seemed to run from the inside of her elbow to her wrist.

 

“How was that an accident?!” She asked, horrified. “What were you thinking?!”

 

Tegan shook her head back and forth, sobbing hysterically as she squeezed her arm to her chest.

 

I gave mom a look for snapping at her. She’s never reacted this way to something we had done. We’ve definitely tested mom’s patience the past month.

 

And now mom was crying.

 

“Just please tell me you girls are okay. Despite your fighting, I just want to know you girls are going to be safe when you’re traveling on the road. Is everything okay between the two of you?”

 

I looked at Tegan and tried to make eye contact with her. She wouldn’t look at me. This was all too much right now on her end, with every illogical thought in her mind to what was actually happening in reality. 

 

It was too much.

 

“We are, mom. A few things getting in the way, but we’re okay.” I assured her.

 

“Why would you do this to yourself, Tegan?” Mom asked, trying to see her arm and take off her bandages.

 

Tegan let out a shriek when she took her arm and held her hand. She hated mom seeing her like this and continued to shake her head back and forth.

 

“You know she didn’t do this on purpose,” I corrected her. I think her being in hysterics is making mom very unlike herself.

 

“Girls, what’s this about?” She prodded again. Did she really want to know specifics?

 

“Mom, it’s nothing,” I assured her.

 

“It doesn’t look like anything! Why is she doing this?” Mom squeezed Tegan’s hand, lovingly.

 

“Mom, the specifics really aren’t important--”

 

“Did you hurt her?” She asked.

 

“What? Mom, no. Please just calm down, are you listening to yourself?”

 

“I just want to know why you’re hurting, baby.” Mom caressed Tegan’s fingertips and leaned in to hug her. “I’m sorry I freaked out, I’ll try to be calm, but I just love you so much. You know I’m going to worry. There’s so much happening at once. I want to know how to fix it.”

 

“Can you stay here tonight?” My sister asked vulnerably.

 

Mom smiled at Tegan, with tears still in her eyes as she kept holding her hand. “Of course, sweetheart.”


	68. Intact

**Tegan**

 

A flood of tears rushed from my eyes as mom said she would stay with me tonight. I would have thought she’d be done with us right now. She was cautious not to touch my arm as she pulled the blanket over herself and snuggled up close to me. 

 

I laid almost on my side and facing mom while my arm rested on my stomach. She pulled my chin to her and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

 

“No more tears, sweetie. I love you,” she spoke loving and warm.

 

And Sara had her body close to mine, hands on my hips near hugging my stomach. This was overwhelming, but much needed right now. Even though I’m sure Sara hates me for the way I’ve acted today.

 

“I love you, too.” I choked out softly because I didn’t want to hear myself crying hysterically right now.

 

I let my tears fall on mom’s shoulder as I kept my face close to her. She threw her arm overtop of me and her hand met Sara’s. I could feel mom caressing her hand and Sara grabbed it to hold.

 

“You girls going to sleep now?” Mom asked me.

 

“Are you okay to, Tee?” Sara asked, so much concern and care in her voice.

 

“Mhm,” I sobbed. “I think so. This is really nice. You know, you being here, mom.”

 

“Well, I would have let Sara come see you if I knew it was this serious.”

 

Sara and I just listened. I don’t think either of us had much to say to that.

 

“Well now you know,” Sara piped up matter-of-factly, to which mom squeezed her hand hard. “And you can’t say I didn’t try to tell you. And you  _ saw  _ that fight.”

 

“Okay, okay. You’re right, baby. Ugh, this is hard for me. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong. What I should let you girls do and what I shouldn’t let you girls do. If I should intervene or not intervene. This is a very tough situation for me.”

 

“I know, mom. It’s okay, I don’t want you to beat yourself up for it. We know you’re doing the best you can,” Sara assured mom. “And we love you for that.”

 

“I love you, too, sweetheart.”

 

“Goodnight, mom. Get some rest,” Sara whispered.

 

“Wake me up if you need me. I love you girls so much. Goodnight.”

 

Mom was quick to fall asleep; she must have been exhausted from us and taking in everything today. Her breathing became deeper in a matter of seconds and that’s when I knew she was fast asleep.

 

Sara and I lay beside each other, silent, for a few minutes. I listened to her breaths and mine were beginning to calm and match hers. She kept her hand resting on my thigh, just below my hip.

 

“I love you, Tee,” a small voice birthed from beside me.

 

My eyes went wide and my attention peaked. My body was facing mom, but I adjusted myself slightly and turned my head.

 

“Don’t you ever forget that,” she went on.

 

“I do sometimes. Well, I guess it’s my insecurity that does,” I let in.

 

“I don’t want to fight anymore. Can we talk about this tomorrow morning? No stories, no accusations, nothing. Just us?” Sara asked, there was definitely a lot of hurt in her voice. There was a part of me that wanted to get defensive, but mom was there.

 

I couldn’t lash out at Sara. Not with her here.

 

“Yeah. Over coffee?” I proposed.

 

“Okay. You’ll make my favourite right?” She teased.

 

“Of course, Sare.” I touched her hand back and tried to seem as lighthearted as her.

 

I leaned over to mom and hugged her, falling asleep that way. There was always something about her that just made me feel so safe. Sara rested her head on mine and I could feel her hair tickling my neck.

 

Safe.

 

\--

 

I opened my eyes slowly, groggily and a bit discombobulated. “What are you doing?” I asked Sara.

 

“Watching you sleep.”

 

“Why?” I asked.

 

“It’s the only time I see your walls are down lately,” she smiled.

 

“Down? They’re always down!” I corrected her.

 

“Who are you trying to prove that to?” She continued to belittle me.

 

“I’m not  _ trying _ to prove that to anyone. They’re down.”

 

“Let’s go upstairs,” Sara dominated again, holding my hand and trying to lead me.

 

“Where’s mom?” I asked.

 

“She went to the office, silly. She’s seeing clients today.”

 

“Oh, right.” I had almost forgotten. Well, it _ is  _ a weekday.

 

“Mhm. So? Are you gonna make me some coffee like you said?”

 

“No,  _ you  _ said that,” I pulled away from her.

 

“Does that mean we’re we not gonna talk about anything?” She questioned me, hurt in her eyes again.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Tee,” she looked at me. She really looked at me and I saw her. There was something missing in her eyes, though, as she searched mine. They were full of sadness and I couldn’t help but think I had caused that. 

 

“Our relationship is at stake right now.”

 

The second she said that, I became present to that moment. It’s like I finally woke up. And not figuratively.

 

“Don’t you see that?” Her eyes were filled with so much emotion and I needed to fix it.

 

“Y-yeah,” my voice cracked. “I do see that, Sare. Let’s go upstairs, I’ll make your favourite.”

 

“Okay,” she smiled so sweetly and patient. 

 

She walked ahead of me, out of the guest room and up the stairs. She turned around to face me once she got to the top and held my hands, not saying a word. Something was definitely missing in those eyes and it hurt my stomach to notice.

 

What’s happening to us?

 

“Sit down, Sare. I got it,” I grabbed her favourite mug and started making a pot of coffee. She was right, our relationship really is at stake and I didn’t even know where to begin to fix it.

 

“Thanks,” she was beginning to close off.

 

We didn’t say anything to each other for what felt like five minutes. And it wasn’t that comfortable silence where you could just ‘be’ with someone, no. It was the painful, excruciating kind and it was a hundred times worse that it was with my soulmate.

 

“Here you go,” I smiled and I knew Sara could see right through it. Her stare was deadly and I just didn’t want to let her in. She was trying so hard. She wouldn’t stop looking for something.

 

Hurt.

 

“Do you still want me, Tee?” She asked so vulnerably. I almost cried when those words escaped her mouth.

 

Taken aback, I stumbled to find my words. “Wh-, yes-, of course. Of course I do, baby. Why do you even ask that?”

 

“I don’t know. You don’t look at me anymore.”

 

I didn’t know what to say to that. She doesn’t feel appreciated anymore. I don’t make her feel good anymore. It hurt so much to hear, I didn’t know she was feeling that way.

 

“I didn’t mean for it to get to this point, do you know that?” I spoke up.

 

Tears escaped my sister’s eyes. 

 

“Yes,” she answered.

 

“Sara, do you know that?” I squeezed her hands hard as she sat across the table from me. She was shaking and I was getting hysterical. “Do you know that you are the world to me?”

 

Sara shook her head, lips pressed tight like she was holding back more tears. I don’t know why we do this to each other.

 

“Sara, please look at me.”

 

“No,” she shrieked through uncontrollable tears and wanted to pull away.

 

“Talk to me, Sara, please. What are you thinking?”

 

“You cut yourself because I hurt you. I just told you not to worry about me going out, but you weren’t okay. And I left you and I didn’t know you weren’t okay. It bothered you. It hurt you so much that you had to cut yourself. How did I not see that?!”

 

I got up out of my chair and pulled Sara up from hers. “No, Sara, please don’t say that. It’s not your fault, okay? It was an accident. I’m okay now.”

 

“I want to go back to the way we were, Tee. What’s happening to us?”

 

“Nothing’s happening, Sare,” I interrupted, even though I was just thinking that exact same thing. “It’s going to be okay, we’re just going through things and that’s okay. We’re going to figure it out together.”

 

“I’m scared,” she confessed as she choked on her broken sobs. “This isn’t just  _ things. _ ”

 

She kept shooting me down. And she had a point; I had let this get to a really fucked up place on my end. This was up to me to fight for our relationship now. Sara tried so hard and I would just ignore it.

 

“Do you love me?” I asked.

 

“Yes. I love you so much.”    

 

“I’m so in love with you, Sare. And we’re going to figure this out together. And we’re going to be stronger after we do. Okay?”

 

“Mhm.” She kept her lips pressed, tears running down her face.

 

We stared into each other’s water-filled orbs and the quiet was okay now. 

 

The silence was becoming a little more comfortable, now that we were putting our hearts on the table.

 

“What do you need from me for you to trust me again?” She asked me. 

 

I looked at her, long and serious. And her eyes almost seemed unfamiliar to me. I saw the identical hurt and fear that matched in mine. 

 

And in that moment, I couldn’t even understand what brought us to this low point. 

 

We were in love. 

 

Unconditional, unequivocal, unlimited love.

 

“Nothing.”

 

I answered truthfully. We were hurt and our relationship needed a lot of nurturing right now, but everything I needed from her was right here. And she saw that, too.

 

“Okay.” 

 

“Okay,” I repeated, serious. A mere whisper.

 

“We’re perfect just the way we are. I don’t know why we do this to each other. I don’t know why we find things to fight about. Come on, Tee. You know I would never cheat on you, ever. I know you know that. And you trust me. I  _ know _ you trust me and you know it.”

 

We stopped talking. We didn’t need to say anything. There was nothing to be said. Nothing to be proved. No stories to be told. No accusations to be made.

 

Nothing.

 

And I was looking at her. I was really looking at her.

 

Parts of me wanted to keep professing my love to her and repeatedly say ‘I love you.”

 

But she knew that already. 

 

We didn’t need to say anything.

 

The longer the quiet lasted as we let each other in, the deeper I got into her. It had been so long since we’ve just sat in each other’s presence without arguing.

 

And I could hear her breaths now, unsteady just like her fingers as they intertwined in mine. Her tears became heavier the longer I searched my sister’s hazel depths. There’s so much history in them. We have so much past.

 

I didn’t bother to try and control the tears anymore. I held nothing back and I laid out all of my feelings out for her to see. She could see all of me and she was giving me herself, too.

 

Breathing.

 

That’s all that filled the room.

 

And then they became unsteady as I sucked my labret in to my teeth, my shaky depths focused intensely into hers.

 

I broke my hands out of hers and pulled her legs around my waist without thinking. She squeezed onto my shoulders and shrieked as I grabbed her.

 

I knew what she was going to say.

 

“Tee!” She shrilled as I pushed her up against a wall by accident. I was trying to get into the hallways and up the stairs to her bedroom. 

 

She knew that, too.

“Tee! Are you crazy?” She continued to yell at me, I could still hear the sobs in her voice. I was still crying, too. There were too many emotions going on right now, but that was okay. 

 

It had been so long since we’ve been intimate together.

 

She tried to pull away as I sucked on her neck, carrying her down the hallway aimlessly and up the stairs finally.

 

“She’s not home, baby. It’s okay,” I assured her in the small bouts of time I was actually able to talk and mouth not attached to her.

 

We were in the hallway upstairs now and I didn’t realize her bedroom door was shut until I had accidentally slammed her up against it.

 

“You’re out of your mind! She’s gonna find us!” There was panic in her voice, too.

 

“It’s still early, baby,” I was trying to convince her now and justify why she could let her guard down. “Her last client isn’t until five.”

 

“Tee…” I could hear her becoming less hesitant and more mad at herself for wanting to give in. On the other hand, she was looking for a way to justify it, too.

 

“Sara, I want you so bad, you don’t understand. Don’t you want me to make love to you in your bed?”

 

“Ugh,” she was beginning to give in. Her innocence out of sight while she thought with her libido.

 

“When is there gonna be another time when we’re alone like this?” My sister had a death grip on my shoulders and I put more pressure on her hips as I bit her ear.

 

“Mmh,” she jerked.

 

“I’m gonna make you scream so loud if you let me, Sare.”

 

“Fuck!” She grunted, fidgeting to find the door handle and I could feel electricity shoot through her body. “Just fuck me, Tee!”

 

My hand met hers and I helped her shove the door open. Her pants and shrieks became louder.

 

I pulled her shirt off overhead and throwing her onto her bed. Her breasts bounced as she laid on her back with lustful eyes. She had that malicious stare on her face and her innocence was completely destroyed. I studied her tear-stained cheeks while she lifted her legs for me to pull off her pajama pants.

 

“Your strap’s in my suitcase over there,” she nodded her head in the direction behind me and I paused while I had her panties at her ankles.

 

“You want me to use it?”

 

“Yes. I want your hands on me,” she asserted in heavy breaths.

 

Fuck, she’s so hot when she talks like that. I went over to open the suitcase and grabbed the toy, shaking off my jeans and putting one end inside me. 

 

The other was going into her.

 

I pulled her hips to the edge of the bed I could see her arousal glistening around her thighs and pussy. “Fuck, Sare,” I murmured. “I’m gonna fuck you so hard.”

 

“Mmh,” she shrieked as soon as I dipped my tongue inside her and squeezed her ass. I could feel her back arch the more I gave her pleasure. She anxiously drove her fingertips through my hair.

 

She was covered in so much of her arousal that I had to lick her clean before going any further. I lifted her thighs and spread her a little more until she jerked again. I took my middle and index finger and massaged her entrance, getting her juices on them before fucking her.

 

“You taste so good, Sare.”

 

“Oh!” She moaned as I pressed my fingers inside of her, stroking her walls with my fingertips until I hit her g-spot and she started screaming louder. I flicked my tongue against her clit a little bit faster until she had another death grip on my head.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck I’m gonna cum--” she blurted out. I grabbed her legs and pushed them open again, standing up and placing my hips by hers.

 

“Not yet, Sare,” I held the tip of the dildo at her opening and let her get uncontrollable and agitated, breaths getting heavier and heavier.

 

“Fuck me. Please fuck me,” she started to grind her hips against the toy in hopes that it would enter her. “Please,” she begged.

 

I held her by the insides of her knees and hooked her ankles against my shoulders. This was her favourite position, at least that’s what I took by her moans when I had her like this. I grabbed her by her hips again and she tightened her grip on mine. She finally stopped grinding and grew extremely impatient.

 

A sob escaped her lips as I slowly pressed her body against me and watched the toy disappear inside her. She had no control right now. I held her body against me, keeping it deep inside her until she finally calmed down. My wrists almost went numb from how hard she was squeezing onto me.

 

“Holy fuck,” she whimpered as she anticipated what I was going to do to her next. I could feel her walls tighten around the dildo and I swear she was about to cum as I watched her eyes begin to roll back.

 

I lifted her hips so she had absolutely zero control and couldn’t ride it. I kept my grip on her hips hard enough that she was still and slid my attachment in and out of her slowly.

 

“How does that feel?” I asked and started to increase my speed. “Does that feel good, Sare?”

 

She was losing grip on my wrists and grabbed her chest to keep her breasts from bouncing uncontrollably. 

 

“Fu-u-uck,” she tried to let out the words, but she barely could.

 

I pushed her body up on the bed and I was able to get on, too. Her ankles still on my shoulders, but now I was kneeling on the bed and we were chest to chest and mouths almost touching. 

 

She was able to take it deeper and she choked out as I thrusted further into her. I slapped her thighs because I couldn’t get enough of her frantic sobs in my ear and her digging fingertips down my back.

 

“Oh fuck, baby. You’re dripping all over the bed. You like when I fuck you like this?”

 

“Mm, ugh,” she let failed-formed words escape her mouth as I bit her lower lip.

 

“Your pussy’s so fucking tight, oh my god, Sare, fuck.”

 

I’m sure her thighs were red as fuck right now, but I couldn’t stop being rough with her until she told me it was too much herself. She knew the safe word, but she never used it. She would always just ask for more and push her limits like the twisted sadist she is. 

 

I didn’t even understand how she was able to breathe right now with how hard I was slamming my toy into her and spanking her. She dug her fingertips into my ribs and I could feel her body contracting around the toy.

 

“Fuck me. Fuck me. It feels so good, Tee,” she choked between sobs just as I thought she couldn’t handle anymore. God, I love when she talks to me so impure and indecent. I love seeing this other side of her when all my life I only saw innocence. That’s what made her so sexy and beautiful and I just couldn’t get enough of her.

 

I gripped her ass and spread her open more so I could fully fill her, to which she started to convulse and scream frantically. She arched her back and shut her eyes and scrunched her brows. I knew she was close. I squeezed the sides of her neck long enough for her to get dizzy and until she put her hand on mine.

 

I let go and let her regain her breath, watching her whimper and curse. “Oh fuck, oh my god,” I watched her cheeks redden as she played with her nipples.

 

I choked her again, this time she was expecting it. Her eyes were almost lifeless as they met mine, not losing contact on one another. “Is this okay, Sare?” I asked, wanting to make sure she was safe.

 

She closed her eyes and from where my hand was I could feel her nod, her hand massaging my arm just above my laceration. “I’m gonna--” she tried to speak and barely could. I was a little worried she was going to pass out because her limits were barely there, and I don’t know how well she knew them Especially when it came to choking.

 

Sara was getting overwhelmed now, I could feel how tight she was around the dildo and her body was scorching. I picked up my speed into her, but couldn’t go as deep because she was almost there. I squeezed her throat until she was sobbing hysterically and her hands had my wrists numb again.

 

“Fuck,” I grunted and kissed the corner of her mouth. “I love you, Sara.”

 

I watched her body writhing and searing into a blissful ecstasy. I listened to her choked whimpers in my ear as she rode out her orgasm, body jerking against mine and tense.

 

“I love you, Tee. Fuck, I love you so fucking much,” she wrapped her legs around my waist and I pulled her up around me as I knelt on the bed, pressing her up against the headboard. She was fumbling hard and her body was shaky.

 

“Are you okay?” I brushed my fingers along her neck and traced delicate kisses from there to her nipples. I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of her body bruised after this. Hopefully she brought a lot of big sweaters and scarves to cover up around mom.

 

“Yeah,” she tilted her chin up as I kissed her all over, body jolting a bit from touching her sensitivities. “That was...fuck.”

 

My sister let out a faint smile, almost a laugh and I could feel beads of sweat dripping down from her chest. I was drenched, too.

 

“I’m glad,” I trailed my kisses downward and she pulled me up.

 

“Don’t. I  _ will _ pass out,” she asserted and eyes wide.

 

I giggled at her reaction. “Okay,” I agreed as I kissed her blazing cheeks and danced my fingertips along her skin.

“I love you so much, Sare. Do you know that?” I spoke between kisses all over her.

 

“Mhm,” she hummed eyes closed and relaxed.

 

“You’re so amazing, can I do that to you every day?”

 

She giggled again and I could feel her smile with my mouth pressed against her cheeks. “Mhm.”

 

“I love you,” I said again.

 

“I love you, too, baby.”

 

I kissed her mouth and she kept her body still. She was so sensitive right now I don’t think she could handle accidentally grinding against me. She jumped unexpectedly and her calm hands became tense against my skin again.

 

“Tee! Did you hear that?”

 

“Hear what?”

 

“I just heard a car door shut.”

 

“Oh, Sare. That could be any car door.”

 

And then the front door knob turned.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      


	69. Impact

**Sara**

 

Tegan finally took me seriously when she heard the door knob turn. She got startled and jumped, pushing me off of her and I would have yelled at her if it weren’t for mom coming in the house. I shot her an appalled, dirty look instead.

 

“I’m sorry!” She mouthed in a panic. “It was an accident!”

 

She fumbled to find her clothes after hiding the sex toy underneath the pillow.

 

“Tegan, no! Put it back in the suitcase! Are you crazy?” I silently screamed at her as she threw her clothes at me while I ran over to stuff the dildo in the suitcase.

 

“Put your clothes on!”

 

“Okay, okay! Where are my pants?!” I panicked as I clasped the hooks of my bra over my breasts and reversed my shirt from being inside out.

 

She threw them at me from across the room and I took a good look at her face through mom’s eyes. 

 

“Tee, you’re drenched in sweat! This looks  _ so _ bad!”

 

“It’s fine, it’s fine! Just act normal. That’s the main thing.” Tegan was fully dressed now, hair a mess as she looked in the mirror, searching for her hairbrush.

 

“Oh my  _ god _ ,” I pressed my palms to my face and thought that was the stupidest thing ever. Mom is not stupid. I picked up the hairbrush and groomed her to the best of my ability, tidying her up and ironing out her clothes with my hands.

 

“Okay,  _ you’re  _ an awful liar so I’m going to go downstairs and say hi. Then you come down, no biggie.” Tegan explained what was going to happen as if this was going to be some sort of walk in the park.

 

“And what about when she asks what we’ve been doing?!”

 

“I’ll just tell her I was helping you unpack while we were waiting for the coffee to brew.”

 

I scoffed. “Yeah, the coffee’s probably ice cold by now, genius.”

 

“Stop thinking, Sare. Just go with it,” she nudged me on the shoulder and walked out of my room, into the hallway and down the stairs.

 

I rolled my eyes and prayed to god that, at the very least, mom wouldn’t call us out if it were extremely obvious that we were having sex. But taking into account what she had said yesterday night about her not wanting Tegan and I in the same room together, I knew she would mention it in a heartbeat.

 

Not long after, I sauntered my way down the stairs as confidently as I possibly could.

 

“Hi baby, did you sleep well?” Mom asked with cheer in her voice and hugged me before I could even address her first. “Tegan told me she was helping you unpack upstairs, I’m so glad you girls are staying another day.”

 

Oh brother.

 

“I did sleep well,’ I smiled. “Yeah, I guess I did need some time here just to unwind.”

 

“Stay as long as you need, sweetheart. You girls have a while before you have to be back for your show.” 

 

“Well I wouldn’t say  _ that _ ,” Tegan laughed nonchalantly. “But we can definitely stay another night or two.”

 

“I’d love that,” mom smiled at Tegan. Oh my god, she really has no idea. I don’t know how Tegan does it. “Let’s watch a movie together tonight.”

 

“Sounds good to me,” Tegan smiled at her. “So are you home for the day now?”

 

“I had some time between clients and I wanted to come back and check on you,” she answered as she analyzed Tegan’s arm. “How is it feeling, honey?”

 

“Oh, mom you’re so sweet.” Tegan was taken aback a bit, I guess she always thinks I’m the favourite. “Yeah, I think it’s healing okay. I don’t need stitches or anything.”

 

“Okay, well I’ll pick up some more bandaging once I’m done at the office.”

 

“You’re the best,” Tegan smiled again.

“Well, I’ll leave you girls to unpack and enjoy your day.” Mom hugged each of us along with a kiss on the forehead and poured herself some coffee to go. “I love you both.”

 

Tegan and I watched from the kitchen as she grabbed her purse and shut the door, locking it behind her.

 

“Fuck. That was close.”

 

\--

 

It was seven at night now.

 

Mom came home about an hour ago and re-wrapped Tegan’s arm with fresh bandaging after disinfecting it. It was hard watching the pain on my sister’s face as she did, I don’t know if I would be able to have done that for her.

 

I’m so grateful for her.

 

We had dinner together. I didn’t eat too much and pretty much just gave my food to be split amongst Tegan and mom. I wasn’t really that hungry. All I had consumed today was coffee, and if mom had known that she would have made me eat. I really just didn’t have an appetite worked up.

 

Tegan and I actually did end up unpacking each of our suitcases. She moved hers back upstairs. I think mom would be okay with us sleeping together in my room tonight after seeing that we could be somewhat wholesome with each other, err, when she was obviously in our presence. Anyways, if she didn’t allow it, Tegan has her own room upstairs anyways. Maybe she would understand if Tegan said that she wanted to be with me tonight. I guess that’s a conversation for a few hours from now.

 

For the rest of the day we hung out in my room and played video games. We sat on the floor at the end of my bed, shoulder to shoulder and yelling at each other as to who was going to win each game. Needless to say, competing against her was a lot of fun. And so was the other half of our day pausing the game just to make out and proclaim to one another who was going to get squandered in the next round.

 

“Does this sound good?” Tegan asked mom and I about her movie choice whose title is completely slipping my mind. It was some sort of drama though, and you can never go wrong with that. We all decided to give it a watch and got comfortable on the couch.

 

Mom had a couch to herself, cozied up under a warm blanket with a cup of hot cocoa. She was genuinely interested in the movie and beyond delighted to be spending quality time with her daughters.

 

Regardless of the fact that Tegan and I were somewhat cuddled up with each other on the other loveseat. We were discreet about it, just enough to keep each other warm.

 

Tegan decided that she wanted a cup of hot cocoa as well, so we paused the movie and I got up to make her some. I didn’t want her doing too much with her arm like that.

 

“Sara, go make one for yourself, too, baby,” mom chimed in. “You really didn’t eat much for dinner. Are you feeling okay?”

 

“Yeah I’m fine, mom.”

 

I felt fine.

 

“You sure, sweetie? You look a little pale or something, I can’t put my finger on it.” Mom continued.

 

“Really?” I walked over to the front door mirror and checked myself out. “I feel okay.”

 

“Okay, baby. If you say so.”

 

When the hot cocoa was done and I brought it over to Tegan. I sat upright on the loveseat and Tegan sat next to me with her feet on my lap, her back against the armrest. I was jealous of how comfy she looked.

 

Halfway through the movie, I did feel a little light. Maybe light  _ headed?  _ I’m not too sure how to explain it, but I lifted Tegan’s feet off of me to grab a glass of water. 

 

I went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass, tossing ice into it as I ran the tap for cold water. Once I got to back to the living room, I stayed vertical for a bit. I was a little weirded out by how my body felt. For reasons beyond me, my heart started to race a bit and I got a little anxious because of it, breaking a bit of a sweat.

 

“Sare, you okay?” Tegan asked.

 

The last thing I remember was giving in to the fact that I had lost any sort of balance. I was able to tell myself to set the water down on the end table before I did, but I wasn’t quick enough to dodge the blow to my head.

 

“Sara!”

 

\--

 

**Tegan**

 

“Oh my god! Tegan, call an ambulance!” I dialed the number and threw the phone to mom before she could even finish her sentence. I went straight to Sara and was amazed that I was able to call for help before immediately running to her.

 

I laid her on her back from the curled position she was in after she fainted. Her eyes had rolled back suddenly and she collapsed to the floor, taking a really hard hit on the coffee table.

 

“Is she waking up?!” Mom asked in a panic as she told the paramedics our address.

 

“No,” I shook my head in disbelief. “Wake up, Sare, wake up!” I screamed at her as I cupped her face and shook her gently.

 

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay. Just be careful with her neck,” Mom knelt down beside me, turning her daughter’s head toward her and checked her eyes. They were absolutely unresponsive and I started to lose it.

 

In a matter of minutes there was an abrupt knock on the door followed by the door slamming open and the first thing I saw was a stretcher. 

 

“Is she still unconscious, ma’am?” One of the paramedics asked as she rolled the stretcher in.

 

“Yes,” mom shook her head up and down, worried to death about Sara.

 

I wanted to cry. I was scared.

 

I watched the two paramedics approach Sara and they were so calm while I was freaking the fuck out. Mom squeezed my hand and kissed my forehead. “She’s going to be okay, baby.”

 

How could she possibly know that?

 

The one paramedic sat Sara upright and crossed her arms to her chest, bending down behind her and slipped her arms under hers. Her partner took a hold of Sara’s legs and they lifted her onto the stretcher.

 

“Fuck,” I said aloud and started to sob. “Can I stay with her?”

 

“Of course you can,” the woman paramedic smiled at me. “Are you coming as well?” 

 

Mom squeezed my hand a little harder and nodded.

 

We waited for them to get Sara into the back of the ambulance and then got in. I squeezed her hand the whole way to the hospital, checking her pulse every so often.

 

She still had a pulse. 

 

I felt a big wave of relief every time I checked.

 

“She’s alive, baby. She’s just in a coma,” mom said. Like that was assuring at all.

 

“When is she gonna wake up?”

 

“I don’t know, baby,” she looked at me apologetically.

 

I stayed quiet for the rest of the drive there, which seemed like forever even though the ambulances were rushing at a speed that was beyond me and the loud sirens just about deafened my hearing. 

 

I was extremely on edge and stressed out.

 

The ambulance finally stopped and the paramedics opened the back doors. I couldn’t stop fidgeting, dying to tell them to hurry up and get my sister into the hospital. Mom had to hold me the whole time so that I wouldn’t touch her anymore.

 

They made us stay in the waiting room while they set her up to machines. I couldn’t stop checking my phone and hours upon hours had passed. 

 

I was a mess. A complete, fucking mess. I can’t even count the times I leaned over into mom to cry.

 

“What’s taking so long?” I had my head on mom’s shoulder and I wished she had more answers.

 

“I’m sure it’s soon, sweetie,” she kissed my head and rubbed my arm.

 

“Ms. Quin, Ms. Clement?” I jumped at the call of my name.

 

“Yes? How is she? Is she okay?” I blurted out before the nurse could speak.

 

“She’s going to be okay, yes. Would you like to see her?”

 

“Yes,” I got up and took mom’s hand, following the nurse to Sara’s room.

 

No one was walking fast enough.

 

The nurse stopped at a room and let us go in before her. I could feel myself rushing up to her bed without even thinking.

 

“Oh, Sara.” I covered my mouth and my stomach dropped.

 

I didn’t want to see her like this.

 

She had tubes going into her nose and mouth. I didn’t want her to be in any pain, because it looked painful. Having tubes shoved down your throat and into your stomach like that. But she didn’t look like she was in pain at all. She looked peaceful, like she was dead and it terrified me.

 

That hurt me a lot.

 

“She’s been on ventilation for about six hours now. She’s still unconscious, but I think she’ll be awake in a few hours. I’m not really supposed to get your hopes up, though, but she is doing well,” the nurse had her hand on my shoulder. I’m sure she could see all of the distress on my face.

 

“And then she won’t need the ventilator, right?” I asked.

 

“Right. But first, there is some not-so-great news I need to tell you first.”

 

My heart started racing again. “What is it?”

 

“We ran some CT scans and MRIs just to look at her brain tissue and check for any abnormalities. She does have a concussion.”

 

“That’s not permanent, though, she’ll be okay in a week or so, right?”

 

“Well, that’s what I’m worried about. Her intelligence and speech and hearing and all that is good. But the memory part of her brain seems to have been affected from her fall.” 

 

What?

 

“Will she not remember me?” That would be impossible.

 

“I don’t know. It’s hard to tell from the scan, it’s a little too early.”

 

“Oh my god,” I covered my mouth and in an instant I had broken down and was causing a scene. I ran over to my sister and squeezed her hand, tears falling on her chest. “No, Sara, this isn’t real. You have to remember me, I’m your sister. I love you, I love you so so much.”

 

I was shaking my head hysterically and I must have been disturbing some of the patients because the nurse had to walk me away from Sara.

 

“Mom, she can’t not remember me. Life with her is all I know. She’s not going to remember me!”

 

“Baby, take a deep breath. Try to stay calm. It’s okay, that’s just the worst case scenario.” Mom was trying so hard to be calm, I could see right through her. She was scared shitless just as much as I was.

 

“I’m going to need to run some more tests on her. It shouldn’t be much longer until her oxygen levels are stabilized. She’s doing great, Tegan, that I can assure you of. I am going to need to be alone with her and run some more tests, though. Are you both staying here until she’s off ventilation?”

 

“Yes,” I looked at mom wide-eyed, hoping she would be okay with that. “Yes, we’ll be here for as long as it takes for her to be well again.”

 

“Okay,” the nurse smiled. “She’ll be much better in the morning.”

 

“Thank you,” I barely managed to let the words out as I walked into the hallway. I bawled my eyes out and was hysterical as I slowly trudged back into the waiting room.

 

“I love her, mom. I don’t want her to forget me.” I didn’t mean to, but I think I was breaking mom’s heart with my reaction and the way I was handling the situation. 

 

I couldn’t help it.

 

“I know, Tee. I lover her, too. She’s my baby,” mom assured me.

 

I wasn’t alone in this.

 

I checked my phone. Time wasn’t moving at all. It was three in the morning and there were so many messages I hadn’t responded to. I had to let the band know what was going on. And soon.

 

“Hi there, sweetheart. Can I offer you a box of tissue or anything?” I looked up and saw a warm, older man in scrubs and a lab coat. He must have been a doctor. He was holding the box of tissues for me to take.

 

“Oh, thank you.”

 

“I know that’s your sister in there. She really is doing very well. I’ve been taking care of her since she was admitted in here. Now, are  _ you _ doing okay?”

 

“I appreciate everything you’ve done for her, doc. I’m hanging in there. It’s really hard,” I explained as I wiped my tears and blew my nose, squeezing my tissues into my fists.

 

“It’s just the waiting. It’s awful I know,” he sympathized with me. I’m sure he saw this every single day. “I just came to talk to you ladies about Sara’s CT scans. I’d like to get a little more information from you as well.”

 

I nodded, waiting for him to respond and held mom’s hand.

 

“I know the nurse spoke with you already and you’re worried about her potential memory loss. The long-term memory going is a worst case scenario. It’s possible sure, but it’s not a definitive. However, something I’m a little worried about is her fainting. We’ve ran some other tests, and she was a little dehydrated. Not too much to worry about there, we did hydrate her and she’s good now in terms of that. But her oxygen levels were extremely low.”

 

“Isn’t that what happens when you’re in a coma?” Mom asked.

 

“Well, yes. However, I think she fainted due to her oxygen being low earlier today, even prior to the concussion,” the doctor added on.

 

“Her oxygen levels were low? She’s not anemic? How could that be?” My mom asked more questions.

 

“You’re right. She’s not anemic, so it isn’t something that’s chronic. It seems as if they just became low suddenly. Do you know how that could be?”

 

“No, not at all. She was doing fine up until tonight. Was she okay during the day, Tegan?”

 

“She was fine,” I nodded my head and waited for the doctor to say more.

 

“Well she does have some bruising on the sides of her neck, just by her carotid arteries and they seem to be new. It seems that her blood supply had been compromised there.”

 

Oh my fucking god.

 

“I--I don’t understand. She was home all day,” mom said.

 

I bowed my head down, humiliated, and knew mom was going to catch on very soon.

 

“It’s almost as if she was strangled or choked,” the doctor added.

 

I could feel her eyes flicker to me, glaring at me and I couldn’t bare to make eye contact. The room was dead silent once I heard her gasp and turn her head after the doctor said  _ choked _ .

 

“Can, uh, can we have some time alone, please?” Mom asked the doctor.

 

“I’ll be around, just grab me when you’re ready.”

 

Silence.

 

Completely mortified and at an absolute loss of words.

 

“You  _ choked _ her?”

 

I didn’t know what to say.

 

_ Yes? _

 

I could still feel her eyes on me. Her stare was beginning to burn me. I wish someone could just wake me up from this awful nightmare.

 

This wasn’t real, right?

 

“Tegan!”

 

“Yes! I did, okay? Oh my  _ god _ .” Complete shame, I buried my face in my hands.

 

“Oh my  _ god _ , Tegan! You were at each other’s throats yesterday! And I still can’t trust you alone after that?” She began to lecture me.

 

That was poor timing for her to use that expression.

 

“Um, no. I guess not,” I pulled at my neck and kept my eyes on the floor.

 

She was treading lightly now with her words. Neither of us wanted to have this conversation, but we were. Mom  _ always _ had the conversation anyway. 

 

I’m pretty sure she’ll never trust us again.

 

That is if Sara even remembers me.

 

“Don’t you girls have, like, a  _ safe word _ or something?” She asked, cringing that she just used that term with me.

 

I took a deep breath in and tilted my head up to the ceiling. 

 

I wish I was the one in a coma right now.

 

Why do I always have to have these talks with mom?

 

“She never uses it,” I exhaled, eyes closed.

 

“Oh my fucking god.”

 

Well, now I know how far I need to push her to get her to swear. That was the first time I ever heard a bad word come out of my mom’s mouth in my whole entire life.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with my daughter? Is she  _ trying  _ to kill herself?” She continued. 

 

Okay, and that was two.

 

I didn’t bother speaking. Those were rhetorical anyway.

 

“Mom, can I give you some time alone? I’m going to go for a walk around the hospital.”

 

“Please.”

 

If I didn’t completely deserve that, that would have hurt. But I totally did. God, why doesn’t Sara know her limits? I could have killed her. She’s crazy. Fuck. She’s so stupid. 

 

I need to see her.

 

I remembered exactly where her room was.

 

The door was open.

 

So I walked in.

 

“Sara?”

 

I listened to the steady beeps from the ventilator that was my sister’s heartbeat. Obviously I’m not a doctor, but her pulse seemed stabilized and I think her oxygen levels were higher than it was before.

 

“Hi baby,” I held her hand as she laid there so peacefully. So lifeless. “I just want you to wake up. I’m sorry I went too far. I should have known your limits. I love you so much, beautiful girl.”

 

I watched her body, expecting her chest to rise and fall, but nothing. Her breathing was completely carried by the ventilator. 

 

God, I can’t wait until she’s breathing on her own again.

 

Only a few more hours.

 

I moved her hair to take a look at her neck. 

 

“Oh, sweetheart,” I breathed. It didn’t look good and I bet she was only going to bruise more as time went on.

 

“You’ll be healthy again soon, Sare. I need you to be healthy again, so we can be together and carry on with this tour. So we can be happy and in love again. That’s the most important.”

 

“Miss Quin?” The nurse from earlier came in, almost startling me.

 

“Oh, sorry. I was, uh, just checking on her.” I stammered.

 

“It’s okay, you’re allowed to be here. Stay all night, be my guest,” she smiled. “I know how much she means to you.”

 

“Oh. Thank you.” She was so nice and understanding. She was so maternal. I loved that about her from the start.

 

“My pleasure, baby girl. See you in the morning,” she smiled at me and walked out of the room to cater to her other patients.

 

I carefully moved her wires to the side that the machine was on and made room for myself on her bed. If I was going to sleep, it was going to be with her.

 

This was allowed, right? I swear I’ve seen this in movies all the time.

 

Oh well, she’ll come back and yell at me if it weren’t.

 

I was laying by her side now and she still had her familiar smell. I kissed her on the cheek and forehead, she was warm and that brought me comfort.

 

“I love you, Sara. I’m yours forever.”

 

And here we laid. Three in the morning, hand in hand with my twin sister. All I have to get me through to morning is hope.


	70. Slate

**Tegan**

 

I woke up almost forgetting where I was.

 

But then I realized what happened last night wasn’t just a horrible nightmare. And I could hear that awful beeping again once I became conscious to my surroundings.

 

I had my head resting on my sister’s chest and her arm was around me. I didn’t get under the blanket with her because I didn’t want to move her around too much. Her body was just about lifeless throughout the night.

 

Mom must still be outside in the waiting room. God, I wonder if she had fallen asleep in there. Or maybe she didn’t stay the night?

 

We’ve been here forever.

 

That reminded me that I needed to check the time. The nurse said Sara will be better in the morning. And it’s definitely morning now, the sun was shining through the windows to prove it.

 

I grabbed my phone out from my back pocket. It was barely eight in the morning. Ugh, that’s good enough right? Can a nurse please come in and check on her?

 

Just as I had that thought, I felt Sara’s chest rise and fall.

 

I let out an anxious shriek and grabbed her waist.

 

She’s breathing again.

 

It was so fast that I jumped out of the hospital bed and ran into the hallway looking for a nurse. I needed to calm down, I was way too on edge right now.

 

I ran into mom as I went searching and I jumped up to hug her.

 

“Mom! She’s breathing, Sara’s breathing on her own! We need to get a nurse to take her off the ventilator!” She was startled as I shook her in excitement.

 

“Oh, sweetie, that’s great! I’ll go grab a nurse. I’ll meet you back in her room,” mom said.

 

We had a totally different energy than last night. Sara’s consciousness is more important than our sex life.

 

Thank.

 

God.

 

I had to wipe my tears. There’s too many emotions going on right now and I have to get a hold of myself. I grabbed a cup of water before walking back into Sara’s room.

 

“Hi baby girl. I’m so happy to hear that she’s breathing on her own. I just need ten minutes with her, then we’ll see if she’s able to wake up,” the nurse walked in.

 

Mom and I stood outside of her room, holding each other’s hands and waited.

 

“I love you, mom,” I broke the silence, hoping for her to say it back.

 

Mom squeezed my hand a bit harder, giving me a look as if she knew exactly why I said that. “I love you, too, baby.”

 

I kept checking my phone relentlessly. I guess now would have been a good time to update the band about what was going on.

 

I’ll do it once Sara wakes up.

 

“Come on in, sweetie.” The nurse gestured to me. I was completely on edge. “Her breathing seems to be doing well on her own. She hasn’t fully wakened up yet.”

 

“Sara,” I spoke under my breath, watching her chest rise and fall. She looked good and healthy. That was important. I went up to her and held her hand.

 

“Is this okay?” I asked the nurse.

 

“Of course, she might be a little startled and disorganized when she wakes up. Just be weary of that. I’m going to give you some time alone with her. If she wakes up and there’s any issues that you need me immediately for, I’ll just be down the hallway,” she assured us.

 

“Okay,” I responded. She walked out and I watched Sara take a deeper breath in. I stroked her hair and kissed the back of her hand. “I just want her to wake up and remember me, mom.”

 

Mom said nothing and I could see the concern on her face, too. She sat on the window sill in the room, letting me be by Sara’s side.

 

“I love you, Sara,” I sighed. “Please wake up. Please.”

 

“Mm.” A hum birthed from Sara’s lips and I jumped, wide-eyed. She scrunched her eyelids tight and took another deep breath.

 

She’s going to wake up.

 

I had to take a deep breath myself before I let out a million tears.

 

Eyes opened.

 

Awake.

 

“Oh Sara! Oh my god You’re awake!” I fought back more tears.

 

She took a while to respond, confused.

 

“Where am I?” She asked, eyes fighting to stay open.

 

She sounded like a stranger.

 

“You’re in the hospital.”

 

“Am...am I okay?” Her brows furrowed as she waited patiently for an answer.

 

“Yes. You were just in a coma for the night. You hit your head,” I summarized briefly for her.

 

“Oh.”

 

“Oh my god, I’m so glad you’re okay. I love you so so much,” I squeezed her hand and let out a sigh of relief.

 

“I...I love you, too.” She was so discombobulated. I didn’t mean to scare her and I feel like I did. I was just so overwhelmed that she’s conscious.

 

“Do you...do you know who I am?” I asked reluctantly, screaming on the inside and praying that she would say yes.

 

“Of course I do, Tee. You’re my sister,” she spoke matter-of-factly and with a little smile.

 

Repeating again.

 

Thank.

 

Fucking.

 

God.

 

She looked around the room, slightly acknowledging mom but she was looking for something else.

 

“Where’s Stacy?” She asked.

 

Or some _one_.

 

Don’t get jealous. _Don’t_ get jealous.

 

“She’s in Berlin,” I answered. “Why?”

 

“Why isn’t she here? Berlin?! Why is she in Berlin? Doesn’t she know I’m in the hospital?””

 

“What do you mean ‘why isn’t she here’?” I repeated.

 

“What do _you_  mean  _why?_   She's my girlfriend.”

 

My heart shattered the second she said that. I pressed my lips together to keep myself from showing any kind of emotion as I nodded my head, forcing myself to accept that that just happened.

 

“What’s the last thing you remember, Sare?”

 

“Last night,” she paused for a moment to gather her thoughts. “That party at Lindsey’s house. The one she threw for us. We were playing King’s Cup and you walked me home, remember? Did I fall or something, how did this even happen?”

 

Fuck.

 

She did lose part of her memory.

 

I didn’t prepare for this at all.

 

How am I going to tell her?

 

“Oh, uh. Um, well, actually--”

 

“You’re awake! How are you doing miss Quin?” The nurse came into the room, beaming.

 

“Hi. Good. A little out of it, but good. Can I make a phone call?”

 

“Absolutely, sweetie. I just need to ask you some questions first.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Sara watched the nurse as if she were from another planet as she approached her bed and shone a small flashlight in her eyes.

 

“What’s your name?” She asked.

 

“Sara.”

 

“When were you born?”

 

“September nineteen, nineteen eighty.”

 

“Do you know what day it is?”

 

She paused, in thought. She didn’t know what day it was.

 

“June...tenth?”

 

“What city were you in last week?”

 

“L.A.” Sara said confidently.

 

“Okay baby girl,” the nurse looked down and put the flashlight away after letting out a deep sigh. “Take a phone call and I’ll meet you right back here,” the nurse’s tone changed.

 

She felt awful.

 

I looked at mom. My eyes were screaming at her to say something. To just do _something._ To tell her that she has no recollection of the last month.

 

And then she looked at me. Powerless and held back.

 

“Do you have my phone, mom?” Sara asked as she carefully helped herself off of the bed.

 

I became extremely small and I think mom only noticed.

 

She looked at me again, feeling guilty as she handed it to her.

 

“Thank you, I’ll try to be quick. I’m sure you guys want to get out of here,” she gave mom a squeeze.

 

I don’t think she realized our energy right now.

 

Sara walked out of the door beaming and I knew exactly who she was planning to call.

 

As soon as my sister left the room I bawled my eyes into my mom’s arms and she was quick to hold me. I shook my head back and forth against her shoulder.

 

“This can’t be happening, mom.”

 

She didn’t say anything, but rubbed my back to comfort me.

 

Fuck.

 

I pulled out my phone from my back pocket and messaged Stacy.

 

_Tegan: Sara lost a month of her memory. She just woke up from a coma, other than that she’s okay. I didn’t get a chance to tell her about us yet, she doesn’t remember. She’s gonna call you thinking you’re still together. I know that’s a little awkward, sorry. Let me know if you tell her. If not, I will when the timing is right._

 

“Do you think her memory will come back, mom?” I asked.

 

“I don’t know, baby. We’ll have to ask the doctor.”

 

“Oh, yeah. You’re right.” I just always expected her to have the answers. “When do you think I should tell her about us?”

 

I wonder how Sara’s going to receive it.

 

She looked at me, looking as if she was treading very lightly with her words. She bit her lip and shook her head slowly.

 

“What, mom?”

 

“Tegan…”

 

“What?” I started to get a little defensive.

 

“She remembers being with Stacy.”

 

“So? She’s not _with_ Stacy now. Stacy’s been such a shitty person to her. So much has changed in the past month, mom. Sara doesn’t love her,” I quarrelled.

 

“But Sara doesn’t know that.”

 

Could she be that cruel?

 

“Wh--what are you saying, mom?” I looked in her eyes, my eyes filling up with tears.

 

“I’m saying her and Stacy had a healthy relationship, sweetie.”

 

“So, what? They _had_ a healthy relationship. _We’re_ together now.”

 

She looked me in the eye and shook her head back and forth slightly, clearly paralyzed by something.

 

“What, mom? Just say it!” I snapped.

 

“You and Sara are extremely damaging to one another, baby. You have to see that. You’re on the cusp of needing stitches and your sister almost _died_ from how low her oxygen levels are. I can barely find it in me to leave you girls in the house alone again,” she finally let out.

 

“Well you can’t just let her believe that she’s in a relationship with Stacy,” I criticized.

 

“She believes that she is, sweetie. I think it might be best this way. They’re good for each other,” she defended.

 

My heart sunk. My own mother couldn’t do this to me. To her daughter. My eyes filled with hatred as I glared at her.

 

How dare she take Sara away from me?

 

“Fuck you,” the words seared off of my lips. “I hate you.”

 

I stormed out of the hallway and pulled out my phone. I had a message from Stacy.

 

_Stacy: She told me she loves me. I love her, too. I know that’s a little awkward, sorry._


	71. Prague

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends! So I feel like this one is short, but here it is! I've been loving writing this lately, the next chapter is waaaaaay longer and I'm so excited for you guys to read that one. Love the comments and anons on tumblr. Give me a follow @michiemango. You can follow my insta too but there's none of this on there lol. Just me. Special thanks to my girl @seemyselfieinabettermood on tumblr for editing.
> 
> Enjoy!

**Sara**

 

“Hello?” 

 

“Stace, it’s me,” she answered like I was a stranger.

 

“Yeah. Is everything okay?”

 

“No. I’m in the hospital. I was in a coma. Tegan didn’t tell you?” 

 

“Oh my god! No one told me. I’m glad you’re okay, Sare.”

 

“Thanks. Why are you in Berlin? I was surprised that you weren’t here to see me.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Stace! Am I missing something here? I’d expect my  _ girlfriend _ to catch a plane and come see me if I’m in a  _ coma! _ ”

 

There was silence. I heard some sort of tapping on her end. Was she on her phone while I was speaking with her? This is serious. 

 

“Ugh, Sare. I’m sorry I’ve been awful lately. I wish someone told me that you were in the hospital. I’m gonna make it up to you when you come back. I promise.”

 

“Come back? Why am I  _ coming back _ to Berlin?”

 

“Has your doctor said anything to you yet?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay, don’t freak out. But you’re definitely forgetting some things. You’ve been in Europe for the past month to tour. You were in Berlin and you went home for a few days. You don’t remember that?”

 

“No. The nurse said she’ll talk to me after I talk to you. She let me make a phone call.”

 

“Wow. Okay, well have her explain what happened. I think you need to hear it from her. It’s okay though, Sare. I think everything else is okay.”

 

“Oh. O...kay.”

 

“It’s gonna be okay, babe.”

 

“Yeah. Wow,  _ Europe? _ Okay. I just need some time. I guess I’ll have Tee catch me up on everything tonight.”

 

“Yeah...that should be good. Well, I love you.”

 

“I love you, Stace.”

 

“Bye, babe.”

 

\--

 

“Tee, tell me everything.” I asked her as we sat on my bed. “And  _ don’t _ leave out any details.”

 

It was good to be back home and out of that eerie hospital.

 

“Everything?” She paused to think. “Well, the morning after the night that we had the party. We left for Europe, obviously. We’ve been to Verona, Paris, Amsterdam and Berlin so far. We’ve kinda spaced out this tour because you really wanted to explore the continent.”

 

“And then I forgot everything.”

 

She laughed in a reserved manner. “Yeah, unfortunately.”

 

“Well the doctor said there’s a chance I’ll remember a few things.”

 

“But it’s not likely,” she corrected.

 

“I know, I know. But I’m trying to stay positive. I want to remember everything again.”

 

“I don’t know if you want to remember  _ everything _ , Sare.”

 

I giggled and crossed me arms. “Okay, try me.”

 

“No, it doesn’t work that way. You ask me,” Tegan nudged my arm and smiled.

 

“Okay, well…” I tried to think, I had nothing to base my questions off of. “Ugh, Tegan!” I pushed her. “You’re making this hard! That’s cruel, you know. Your sister lost her memory and you’re asking her to...ask  _ you _ questions?!”

 

“Fine, fine, fine. Let me see. Okay well, when we leave to go to Berlin tomorrow, you’re going to meet Colin. He’s become a really good friend of ours. We met him in Verona,” she finally gave me something.

 

“He’s taking us all the way to Berlin? That’s awfully sweet. And we just met him this month? Wow.  _ And  _ he knows how to fly?”

 

Tegan laughed. “So many questions, Sare. I’ll try to answer them all. Yeah you’ll love him, he’s so amazing. Yes he can fly. I was the first to meet him and then he just stuck around. He’s great.”

 

“Oh, I can’t wait. How’d you meet him?”

 

“Well it was our first night in Verona and I was looking for y--” I was confused as to why she stopped talking mid-sentence. “Uhh, first night in Verona and uhh…”

 

I leaned in, face to face with her as soon as she tried to reconstruct her sentence. My tone was almost condescending and comical. “ _ What _ were you looking for, Tee?”

 

“Well, nothing in particular, you know. Just some extra coffee for you to have in the room in the morning, you were pissed cause when we checked in and there wasn’t any.” She totally saved that one. 

 

How stupid does she think I am?

 

“Wow.” I pretended to go with it and nodded.

 

“Yeah,” she agreed and nodded her head back.

 

I couldn’t take her seriously.

 

“I sound like quite the diva,” I mocked. She must have known I was onto her. I know she’s not stupid, either.

 

“Yeah, well. You know how you get after flights.” She smiled and rolled her eyes.

 

Two can play at this game.

 

“How do I get, Tee?”

 

“You know...demanding.”

 

“Uh-huh, I sure do,” I raised a brow, sarcastic as ever. “So then how did you meet Colin?”

 

“What? Oh! Right! So I was going down the elevator and it was really late at night and he saw you around the hotel already so he said ‘Oh it’s you!’ to me and I was like, ‘What? I don’t know who you are.’” She laughed as she looked down, rubbing her neck.

 

“Oh, that  _ is _ funny.” I went along, speaking slowly and making my enthusiastic sarcasm heard.

 

“Yeah, it was pretty hilarious. So I had to tell him he must have seen my twin walking around. Ha, so anyways then he showed me his ring ‘cause he had this plan to propose to…” She trailed off again.

 

“Do you have to tweak your story again, Tee?” I raised a brow and couldn’t stop discrediting her. It was entertaining.

 

“Sare! I’m not tweaking anything!” She raised up both of her arms.

 

“So who did he propose to?” I asked as I waved a palm up. I made sure my face looked extra curious and interested and I was having too much fun with her.

 

She gave me a serious look, sighing as she shook her head back and forth. “There’s a lot of things you’ve missed, Sare.”

 

“Yeah, and that’s why we’re talking about it now,” I clarified.

 

“Mhm, but we went through a lot this month. It was a lot for us to take in even over that time span. I don’t know how much you should take on right now.

 

“Oh come on, Tee. We’re both healthy and happy, right? What’s the worst that could have happened?”

 

“You’re optimistic,” she nodded her head and smiled.

 

“Come on, Tee! So what happened, who did Colin propose to?”

 

“Sara,” she looked at me dead in the eyes. “This is very serious, are you sure you want to know? There’s a lot, so I’ll say it fast so you don’t have as many questions.”

 

“Oh,” she scared me a little and I reached for her hands. We were sitting cross-legged and facing each other. “Okay. I’m ready.”

 

She held each of my hands separately. “Colin was proposing to Lindsey.”

 

“What?”

 

“No, her and I aren’t together anymore. No, she’s not with Colin anymore, either. She ended up being an awful, awful human being to the point that her name wasn’t actually Lindsey and she was a murderer. A con artist. She was fucked up, Sare. You’ll notice tomorrow that Colin’s extremely wealthy and it’s because he’s a hitman. Lindsey’s dead - he murdered her. I couldn’t bare to watch, but you could.”

 

“A  _ what? _ Oh my--”

 

“Oh, and she raped me. And filmed it. And she...uh, yeah.” 

 

She stopped talking.

 

“Lindsey’s dead?” I couldn’t register everything. How was Tegan functioning right now?

 

“Yeah. Colin slit her throat and left her to burn in a fire.”

 

I had no words. I didn’t know how to feel. I felt sad and didn’t know what to say or do.

 

“You love her, Tee.”

 

“Loved,” she corrected me. “She’s dead. And dead to me.” 

 

“Wow, Tee. I can’t believe it. Was I there for you at least?”

 

“Yes,” she looked at me and smiled. “Through every tear.”

 

“I’m glad. Do you need a hug?” 

 

Tegan laughed, I guess at my forward question. “No, I don’t. Not because of that at least.”

 

“Would you need one for another reason, by chance?” I probed.

 

“Do I have to tell you the reason?”

 

“No.”

 

“Then sure.”

 

I got on my knees and crawled over to her and squeezed her as hard as I possibly could. “We don’t even need a reason to hug,” I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “But you know, I’d totally love it if you hugged me back. I’m feeling a little awkward now.”

 

She turned toward me and buried her head in my sweater, reciprocating the embrace now. She gave me a really good hug and lingered in it. And I was okay with that. It wasn’t long before I felt her body heaving up and down and she started to cry.

 

“Tee,” I pulled her to lay down with me and I kept her in a warm embrace. “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”

 

“You can’t say that, Sare. Nobody knows that.”

 

“I won’t let things not be okay. I promise.”

 

“You promise?” She asked. She was so weak and uncertain right now. She was okay a minute ago.

 

“I promise, Tee.” I held out my little finger. “Pinky promise.”

 

I managed to make her laugh a bit. “What are we, five?”

 

“Something like that,” I interlocked my pinky with her and kissed it, passing it over for her to kiss and she looked at me like I was crazy. “Hey, why don’t you sleep here, tonight?”

 

“Oh, I don’t know if mom would be cool with that--”

 

“ _ Mom?  _ Are we  _ five? _ ” I had to mock her. “Of course she won’t care. Why would she? I don’t want you going to bed upset anyways.”

 

“Umm, I guess you’re right. You’re the best, Sare.” I wrapped my arms around her and let her sleep on my chest.

 

“I love you, Tee.”

 

I love you, too.”

 

“Goodnight.”

 

“Sweet dreams.”

 

\--

 

Well, I met Colin.

 

He was everything Tegan said he was and more. He’s completely perfect. He has the most warming smile and a sparkle in his eyes that seems to be absent when you hit thirty. You know, when you stop shooting for anything in life anymore and just give up. He had this glow about him. He’s a beautiful soul.

 

How on earth is that man single?

 

I mean, a guy like that would sure need to find a badass girl to compliment him.

 

We were back at the hotel in Berlin. Colin got Tegan a fucking  _ penthouse! _ Wow. Adore him. But I was going to Stacy’s room. Not as nice, but I’m sure her company will make up for it. Ha, just kidding. Of course it will. I did have to stop by Tegan’s just to see how breathtaking it was, though. I think we’re here for another night after anyway. Would it be bad if I stayed in the penthouse tomorrow night?

 

Maybe that would make me a terrible person. Stacy is here to see me, after all.

 

Wow. I didn’t realize I was so high maintenance and superficial.

 

I had my suitcase in hand as I waited for Stacy to answer to my knock on her door. She told me she was going to make it up to me for her being off lately. I guess she had some sort of date planned. Regardless, I couldn’t stop thinking about Tegan and how guilty I felt leaving her in that huge penthouse on her own. I told her to call me if she needed anything at all.

 

_ Anything, _ I stressed to her.

 

“Hi, babe!” Stacy beamed as she opened the door and broke me from my thoughts. “Let me take that for you, come on in.”

 

I walked into the room and it was dimly lit. She planned this and it was sweet. She had candles around the room and it smelled really good.

 

“Aw, Stace. Look at this,” I smiled as I looked around. And then my eyes caught a glimpse of the wine and dinner at the table.

 

She held my waist and kissed my lips. “I wanted to do something romantic.”

 

“Very romantic,” I spoke as my mouth detached from hers, yet still lingered there.

 

“You hungry?” She kissed me again and I giggled at how sweet she was being. 

 

“Starving,” I kissed her a third time. “You made me dinner?”

 

“Yeah, I did. There’s a kitchen in the other room. Nice, right?”

 

“Yeah. Ritz-Carlton. God, you can’t get a bad room apparently,” I said as I sat down in the chair that she pulled out for me. “This whole place is stunning.”

 

“You’re stunning.”

 

I probably blushed as I rolled my eyes. She began to pour me a glass of red. “Thanks, Stace.”

 

“You’re welcome,” she laughed. “I’m so glad you’re here. I missed you so much.”

 

“Good,” the corners of my mouth turned up as I took a bite of food.

 

“So does this make up for what an awful girlfriend I was for the past few days?” She asked, picking up her wine and clinking it with mine.  

 

“Just about,” I looked at her with a smile in my eyes as I took a sip of the wine.

 

“Is there anything else I can do to make it up to you, babe?” Stacy brushed my arm and kept it there.

 

“No,” I smiled. “This is perfect. You’re so thoughtful.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.” Our hands met in the middle.

 

We spent dinner making light conversation. I didn’t bother bringing up Lindsey’s death. It was already so much to handle in my head that I didn’t want to put it out into the universe. I’m sure it was old news to everyone now. 

 

“Did I mention how breathtakingly beautiful you look today?” Stacy said as she came back from clearing the table, pouring me another glass of wine. 

 

“Hmm,” I giggled and looked as if I was in deep thought. “I can’t seem to remember.”

 

She laughed and pulled me up from my chair, her hand in mine and I wine glass in my other. “Well, you always do.”

 

She led me to the bed and I sat on the edge of it. 

 

“How’s your head feeling?”

 

“Good.”

 

“Okay, good.”

 

She leaned in to kiss me. 

 

God, I didn’t want to spill this wine. I don’t think it was a smart idea to still be holding it now. 

 

She took a sip from my glass and set it down on the night table. She straddled her legs around me and put her hand on my chest, pushing me down on the bed. I lifted my chin up as she kissed my jaw down to my neck and collarbones.

 

“I missed you,” she cooed.

 

“I missed you, too.” I smiled and looked into her eyes as I pulled her up to me.

 

“Is this okay?” She continued her kisses down to my chest as she slowly unbuttoned my button-down.

 

“Of course it’s okay, you’re my girlfriend,” I said as I played with her hair, moving it to one side and out of her way.

 

“I’m so lucky you’re mine, Sare.” She breathed as she kissed my ribs, my shirt fully opened now.

 

“I’m so lucky you’re mine, too, baby.” I giggled as I arched my back and squeezed her arm. “You’re so loving today.”

 

“I just want you to know how much I appreciate you,” her mouth was at my hip bones now and her fingers inside the waist of my leggings. “I just want to make you feel good.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

She pulled my leggings off of me and started her kisses from my ankles up to my inner thighs. She had her fingers inside the edge of my underwear now and I could tell she was dying to take them off and tease me at the same time.

 

“Mhm.”

 

Just as I was about to list up my hips, my phone rang. I turned it off from vibrate and on loud in case Tegan needed me. She had my word that I would be there for her in a heartbeat.

 

“No, Sare!” She whined as she grabbed onto my legs, not wanting me to answer.

 

“It’s Tegan, I told her to call me if she needed anything,” I explained, answering her call. “Hey, Tee. Everything okay?”

 

“Hey, Sare. I don’t think I can handle being alone in this room like I thought tonight. I know I told you I could, but I’m freaking out a little. I feel like I’m going crazy. Uhh, are you busy right now?” Her tone was low, a bit raspy.

 

“No, I’m not. Do you need me to bring anything?” I asked, Stacy spreading my legs and kissing what she wanted most overtop of my underwear. 

 

“No. Nothing. Just you.”

 

She’s going to hate me.

 

“Okay, I’ll be there in five minutes.”

 

But I made a promise.

 

“You’re the best,” I could hear her smiling on the other end.

 

“Don’t mention it,” I hung up.

 

“No you’re not,” her face was covered in disappointment and shock.

 

“I have to,” I sat up and kissed her on the lips. “I’m sorry,” I pouted and made eyes at her as I grabbed my leggings.

 

“You didn’t wanna tell her you’ll be an hour?” She complained.

 

“Ha, you’re funny. No of course not,” I laughed. “She needs me. I know, I’m the biggest bitch and a huge tease for doing this. Now it’s my turn to make up for it. Promise.”

 

“Fine, Sare,” she sighed. “You’re just making me want you more.”

 

“Okay, Romeo. Walk me out.”

 

**Tegan**

 

_ Tegan: You’re going to be nasty? I can be nasty, too. Cunt. _

 

Sent to Stacy.

 

I know what you’re thinking. And I’m thinking it, too. I’m being just as manipulative an asshole as Stacy is, but I had to do it. 

 

I did it for Sara.

 

You’d have to be blind to not see that Sara doesn’t truly love Stacy. And I can’t let Stacy sleep with her. Sara would be devastated if she found out the truth and I didn’t do anything to stop it.

 

I knew exactly what Stacy’s plan was tonight: impress Sara with a nice dinner, get her drunk on some fine wine and have a romantic night with her in her hotel room. 

 

Now what that romantic night consists of I do not know. It would be inevitable that they would kiss and I’d have to let that go; there wouldn’t be much I could do about that. 

 

But I will do everything in my power so that Stacy doesn’t take advantage of Sara and sleep with her. 

 

That’s so wrong if that’s what she’s planning.

 

And the fact that she’s going along with pretending she’s Sara’s girlfriend still, is so fucked up.

 

So I wouldn’t put it past her if she’s trying to sleep with her tonight.

 

Sick.

 

I heard the card being slid into the aperture of the door and that must have been Sara.

 

She came really fast. She’s got a heart of gold. One of the many reasons I’m head over heels in love with her.

 

“Hey! You doing okay, Tee?”

 

“Hey, Sare. It comes in waves. I think I just feel like I lost you because I’m the one who remembers everything we’ve went through. I think it sounds kind of stupid.”

 

“That’s totally understandable. I get it,” she dropped her suitcase down and ran into the bathroom, leaving the door open to talk as she brushed her teeth.

 

“Yeah, well. Thanks.” I somewhat agreed with her. “How was your night?”

 

“It was good,” she walked out of the bathroom and pulled out some pajamas from the dresser. “Was totally missing this penthouse suite, though. I was actually  _ dying  _ for you to call and bail me out,” she joked.

 

That made me laugh really hard.

 

Sara laughed too as she said it. “It was good. You know, typical date.”

 

I looked up and she was undressing, almost causing me to choke on my own spit. I looked up just as she was pulling her button-down up overhead and stretching her body. “Ahem,” I awkwardly cleared my throat as if I were a boy going through puberty.

 

Oh my god.

 

“Oh, that sounds boring,” I laughed awkwardly. Fuck, I didn’t know what the fuck to say.

 

“Suuuper boring,” she smiled and rolled her eyes as she slowly slid off her leggings. Maybe it was just slowly from my point of view.

 

I wanted to die. I wanted to help her take off her clothes. I wanted to press my mouth against her breasts. Fuck, I had to stop gawking before she caught on to me. 

 

“You okay, Tee?” She looked at me with concern as she stood half naked in her matching navy blue bralette and panties. Lace. Leaving nothing to the imagination.

 

I could see her nipples through her bra.

 

Does she know that I’m in love with her and she’s just trying to fuck with me?

 

“What?”

 

“I said ‘are you okay?’” Her concern grew.

 

“Ohh,” I stuttered. “Uh, no.”

 

Fuck. This is too distracting. 

 

Sorry, sis. I didn’t hear a word you said after you took off your clothes.

 

Did I say that out loud?

 

“Can I share that bed with you?” She asked as she put on an oversized shirt and pajama pants.

 

“Mhm,” I croaked.

 

There isn’t any other bed in this room, Sara. What else was I gonna say? ‘ _ No, sleep on the couch’? _

 

She walked over and pulled her side of the covers up so she could get into bed. “I know you feel so alone right now, but trust me Tee, you’re not.”

 

“Sare,” I sighed. “You can’t possibly know how I feel right now.”

 

“I can feel a lot of what you feel,” she pulled me close and hugged me so that we were essentially spooning.

 

I had two conflicting feelings inside me right now. I felt sad and lonely that I had my soulmate so close to me, yet our love had completely disappeared into thin air. It didn’t exist for her. It never did. 

 

And on the other hand, I was dying for the blood to rush back to my head because all I could feel were her breasts pressed against my shoulder blades.

 

I’m so wet.

 

“Turn around. Face me, Tee,” she asserted.

 

So I did.

 

Only the nightside light was on and I could see the concern and care in her eyes. God, those eyes. I’ve stared into them so many nights. And they’ve stared back at me. I’ve seen them cry countless nights when all she wanted was for me to hold her. Through the times that she thought she would never get through without me. And then I’ve seen them light up with incessant laughter until our stomachs hurt and our ribs got sore.

 

And we made love on this bed.

 

Yet she didn’t know any of that.

 

She looked into my eyes as she kept a hand on each of my shoulders.

 

Fuck, I’m getting emotional. I’m so fucking in love with her.

 

“Tee?”

 

“Yeah?” She saw my tears, it was nothing new.

 

“We’re packing up tomorrow right?” She pressed her thumbs into my shoulders and massaged me, trying to calm me.

 

“Yeah,” I sniffled.

 

“Where to?”

 

“Prague.”


	72. Decorum

**Sara**

 

“Why’s there a strap-on in my bag?!” I freaked out as I was reorganizing my suitcase.

 

It was morning and we were getting ready to get on the tour bus.

 

“How should I know that?” Tegan answered.

 

Oh god, I’m probably grossing her out. We don’t talk about this sort of thing.

 

It just slipped out of my mouth. I got startled.

 

But I never use those toys.

 

Let alone, like, any.

 

“I don’t know, but apparently I used it,” I examined the unclean toy. “Oh my god, Tee. I’m sorry I just told you that.”

 

She just laughed awkwardly. God. I’ll be apologizing a million times for that one.

 

“I just…” I trailed off. “...I don’t use toys. Especially _that!”_

 

“Apparently you do, Sare.”

 

“Are you pulling a prank on me?” I asked, confused. She had a reaction that I just couldn’t quite put my finger on.

 

“You think I used it and put it in your suitcase?” She laughed. “Now who would I use that with, Sare? Not to mention that would be _super_ fucked up of me.”

 

“Um, I guess you’re right.” Something wasn’t adding up.

 

“I guess we’ll just have to ask Stacy, huh?”

 

“Guess so,” I covered my face in embarrassment and closed my suitcase.

 

“Aren’t you gonna clean it?” Tegan laughed.

 

“Not with you here!”

 

Tegan laughed at me. “I never saw you do something so gross. You’re always the clean one out of us.”

 

“Yeah, well this is different! I’m not gonna clean a sex toy in front of you!” I yelled, wanting to leave the room in humiliation.

 

“Oh, Sare,” she continued to poke fun at me. “Okay, let’s go. Everyone’s waiting, weirdo.”

 

\--

 

“Oh hey beautiful girlfriend,” Stacy kissed me on the lips as she came onto the bus a little bit after us. Tegan and I were sitting on the couch just talking about the set list for our next show.

 

“Oh hey, Stace. You wanna tell your beautiful girlfriend why there’s a used strap-on in her suitcase?”

 

“Tegan!” I yelled at her.

 

Stacy shot her the dirtiest look.

 

“Not right now, Tegan,” she smiled. Her smile basically screamed _fuck off._

 

I’m suddenly getting a vibe that they aren’t all that fond of each other.

 

“Didn’t think so,” Tegan said.

 

What’s that supposed to mean?

 

I wanted to say just that, but I didn’t want this conversation to continue.

 

At all.

 

It was here in the tour bus that I finally told the guys about what happened at mom’s house. How I ended up in the hospital. It wasn’t the end of the world because I was good with the songs we had on the setlist. I remembered how to play all my songs.

 

Thank god.

 

I’d be ready for tomorrow.

 

I didn’t feel too overwhelmed at all. I’m glad that Tegan was taking care of the social media aspect of our career now because I’m not the best with keeping up with it. She knew how it would get to be a bit too much for me after coming out from the hospital so she disabled my phone from logging on to any of our handles. I was kind of out of the loop, but that was okay while I was getting back into the swing of things.

 

The drive to Prague was pretty uneventful, other than Tegan and Stacy making uncomfortable snide remarks at each other as I sat between them. Was this all in my head or was this actually happening?

 

Something isn’t adding up.

 

I thought they liked each other, but all I’ve been hearing is passive-aggressive cattiness. I just decided to pick up a book and read on the duration of that road trip.

 

Well.

 

Pretend to read.

 

How could I get any actual reading in with these two people on either side of me, making me feel extremely uncomfortable?

 

“Hey, Sara. Come here for a sec,” Colin waved his hand for me to come sit by the window with him.

 

“What do you think of Prague?” He asked.

 

“Wow,” I breathed as I looked out the window as he pointed. “We’re here already? Um, wow. It’s breathtaking.”

 

“You’ve never been here before?” He asked.

 

“No,” I was speechless over the beauty of this city.

 

“You know, I really just brought you here cause I think you’re now noticing that Stacy and Tegan aren’t too keen about each other.

 

I looked at him with wide eyes and nodded my head. “Thank you,” I mouthed.

 

“Hey baby I have your suitcase, let’s go!” Stacy ran over to me and grabbed my hand before I could barely acknowledge Colin.

 

“Uh, bye! See you in the lobby!” I shouted at him as she basically pulled me out of the tour bus with her.

 

“Anytime,” I managed to hear Colin, slightly laughing. I bet he knew exactly what was going on.

 

Whatever piece it was that I was missing.

 

Stacy got us a room. A nice one. Oh boy. Guess she wants me to stay with her tonight. She totally knew that was one of the reasons I was easily persuaded to see Tegan yesterday night. Not to mention the fact that I gave her my word that I’d be right over if she needed me.

 

I just adore huge, picturesque rooms.

 

“Hey Sare,” Tegan caught up to me, suitcase in hand. “Once you’re settled in, do you mind rehearsing with me for a few hours? I have a few songs I want to run by you.”

 

“I’d love to,” I smiled and then looked over to Stacy, who was death-glaring at my sister. “Alright. We’re gonna go get settled and unpack. Message me when you want me over, Tee.”

 

Stacy and I searched around the main floor until we finally found an elevator and stepped in. She got us a _really_ nice room on the top floor.

 

“I love you,” she said softly as I stood in the corner of the elevator.

 

She slowly moved her face to mine.

 

“I love you, too, Stace.”

 

We kissed until the doors opened at the top floor and then some. She just didn’t want to get off of me until she had to. Or in other words, until the doors began to close again to take us back down to the lobby.

 

She jumped off of me and shoved her hand between the doors, reopening them and sauntering out with her suitcase and mine.

 

Stacy was full-handed so I grabbed the card out of her back pocket and slid it into the door aperture. She dropped the suitcases as soon as we got in and her focus was all on me.

 

“I’m finally alone with my girl,” she lifted me up on the edge of the dining room table and kept her hands on my bum.

 

“Is that what you’ve been waiting for?” I asked as her lips brushed against mine.

 

“Mhm,” she ran her fingers to the tops of my legs where my thighs met my hips, causing me to jerk at her touch. I was sensitive there. She worked her hands up to my ribs under my shirt. She definitely missed me and I could tell by her assertiveness.

 

The vibrations of my laughter brushed against her mouth. “Okay.”

 

She kissed me harder and pushed me down so that I was laying on the table. She pushed up my shirt and kissed my skin, rolling her tongue as she made her way down.

 

Fuck. She’s gonna hate me.

 

“Stace…”

 

Her mouth was just below my hips now and she was eager to lift my hips to pull off my pants.

 

“Mmm?”

 

“Tegan’s gonna call me any minute,” I hinted around the fact that we couldn’t have sex.

 

She looked up at me with a defeated expression on her face.

 

“What have I done to deserve this?”

 

“I’m _so_ sorry, baby. Nothing. Nothing, I promise! I’d just rather us... _not_ get interrupted.”

 

“With the way it’s been going lately I wouldn’t mind. At least I would have started,” she complained.

 

“Stace, I’m sorry! Please don’t hate me. Or Tegan.”

 

She just shot me a displeased look as I sat back upright and about to give her a kiss.

 

“You don’t like Tegan that much, do you?”

 

“What?” She looked at me as if I was completely crazy. “I like her.”

 

“Okay,” I raised my brows at her. She totally just lied straight to my face, but I wasn’t going to start anything on that topic. “And how _did_ that strap-on get in my suitcase?”

 

“How do you think it did?”

 

“Well, I guess we used it,” I postulated.

 

“Exactly.”

 

I was a little bit baffled that that was the truth. I can’t believe I used that for sex.

 

“Do I like it?” I asked lightly.

 

“Guess you’ll have to find out,” she winked at me and brushed my hair back. “Like now, and cancel your plans with Tegan. You know the songs already.”

 

I smirked and rolled my eyes, cell phone ringing. “Nice try. Okay, that’s Tee. I’ll see you soon, Stace. I love you!”

 

She was not happy at all that I had to leave, but I did what I had to do and just left. Ugh, I feel awful. But Tegan and I had to prep for the show tomorrow.

 

\--

 

**Tegan**

 

“Hi!” I opened the door to my sister.

 

“Hi!” She seemed excited to see me. And beautiful as ever. I’m going to keep my cool, contrary to last night. “Colin get you this room?” She asked as she did a three sixty analysis of the room. “Your room _still_ beats Stacy’s. We’re on the top floor, too.”

 

“Yep,” I sighed, almost sounding guilty as I admitted to it.

 

“Are you sleeping with him or something, is that what you’re not telling me?”

 

“Pfft, what? No way!” I was taken aback by her question. Does she not know me at all? “He wishes.”

 

“Ha! Okay, Tee. Is my guitar here?”

 

“Yeah, one sec. Have a seat, I’ll grab you some water.”

 

“Do you have anything else?” She asked.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Well, maybe wine to start. Then once we’re done with business we can crack open the good stuff.”

 

“I like the way you think, Sare. Don’t you have to be back soon?”

 

“I told her I’d be gone for a while. It’s okay, Tee. This is the important stuff, we can have a little fun while we do it, too.”

 

I found a bottle of red and corkscrewed it open, pouring a generous glass for both of us.

 

“Here you go,” I passed her a glass of red wine and set mine down beside her. “And here you go,” I grabbed her guitar for her as well.

 

“Cheers to…” Sara started, “...relearning all the memories.”

 

I giggled. I couldn’t get over her adorableness.

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Yes. I want to remember everything. I _need_ to remember everything,” Sara went on. “So don’t try to hide anything from me! I was able to handle it before apparently, so I can  handle it now.”

 

“Of course, Sare.” I smiled at her and we both took sips.

 

She glared at me. “I know I’m totally missing something here, but whatever. Okay, let’s rehearse this. What are we starting with for tomorrow?”

 

“You pick,” I insisted.

 

“Let’s start with Alligator.”

 

“Your song? Okay,” I raised my brows and sounded reluctant just to bug her.

 

“Fuck off,” she playfully shoved me. God, I would love to kiss those lips right now.

 

I smiled at her and showed teeth. I couldn’t help it when I was around her, even still. We vibe off of each other and, romantic or not, we have great chemistry.

 

“I actually think that’s a great song to start with, Sare.”

 

“Yeah, right? It’s upbeat.”

 

“Totally agree.”

 

“Sensitive, it’s true.” Sara began to sing and strum the chords, totally not counting me in. I chuckled as I picked up from where she was, and she sounded really good.

 

“Over you, over you.” I chimed in and closed my eyes, strumming as we played out the whole song. I like the faces she makes when she sings. I couldn’t help but glance over at her while I had no vocals or riffs to play. She would get so into the music and I loved that.

 

“That sounded really good, so that’s a yes to start with tomorrow?” Sara said as she strummed the last chord, waiting for my approval.

 

“Yeah, then how about we do Take Me Anywhere, I’m Not Your Hero, Couldn’t Be Your Friend, then Walking with a Ghost?” I added.

 

Sara replayed that order of songs as she thought it over in her head.

 

“Yeah, I like it. Then can we do Call It Off, Nineteen, Shock to Your System, Living Room and then we’ll end with Closer?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“Okay, easy. Done.”

 

One bottle of wine later and we played all those songs. They all sounded great. I’m looking forward to tomorrow with her. I am a little curious as to how the fans will react, not like they’ll know what happened to Sara. At least yet. We just came out to the public and now the relationship doesn’t exist.

 

I’m sure they’ll notice something is different.

 

Who knows, maybe she’ll address her accident. I’ll let her decide that for herself.

 

“Okay, that’s it! Good job, Sare. You sound great,” I complimented her.

 

“Thanks, Tee. Okay what are we drinking next?”

 

“Are you sure, Sare?” I asked.

 

“Yes. We have plenty of time,” she justified.

 

Truth is, it was around time to have dinner. And I wanted to take her down for a bite to eat, but she didn’t want to and I liked our time here.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay, so grab those pretzels and I see tequila over there. Grab the limes and salt.”

 

I rolled my eyes at her as I picked up the bottle of tequila. “You’re crazy.”

 

“Bring water, too, though. I have to stay hydrated with my head and stuff.”

 

Yeah. Great logic there, Sara.

 

“Coming, princess.”

 

“I am _not_ a princess.” Sara responded, appalled as she interrupted herself with her stream of thoughts. “Oh, Tee! I thought you said you wanted to run some songs by me?”

 

“Oh, yeah, well,” I fumbled and got nervous. I wasn’t prepared for her to ask that question. “Just one.”

 

“Ou,” she got excited. “Which one?”

 

“I wrote it while we’ve been touring. Wanna hear it?”

 

“Yes.”

 

I was a bit nervous. I played Guilty as Charged that I wrote for her and I wanted her to hear it again. Even if she didn’t know it was for her.

 

It was her song.

 

“Guilty as charged, you were on my mind  
Try as I might I can't seem to lie   
I can love you back if you like   
I can hold you back if you like

And so I go back home, to be by myself  
I try everything I've ever read   
Desperate, I still can't get you out of my head   
  
Because you're on my mind   
All the time   
Now you're on my mind   
All the time   
  
A blessing in disguise I was on your mind   
Try as you might you may well soon find

I am yours but you can't be mine

I am sure you'll always be mine  
  
And so I go back home to be by myself   
I try everything I've ever read   
Desperate, I still can't get you out of my head   
And so I stay at home alone with myself   
I read through everything I've ever said   
Desperate, I still can't get you out of my head   
  
Crazy, crazy, I’m crazy about you   
  
Caught in the act, you were on my mind   
Lucky for you, now I'm on your mind

And so I go back home to be by myself  
I try everything I've ever read   
Desperate, I still can't get you out of my head   
  
Because you're on my mind   
All the time   
Now you're on my mind   
All the time”

 

I swear I saw a tear run down her eye as I sang the lyrics and looked over at her every once in awhile. I wish she would just snap out of her memory loss and remember the love that we shared.

 

“That’s a beautiful song, Tee. Have I heard it before?” She asked.

 

She’s smart.

 

“Yes, you have.”

 

“Oh. I love it. What’s it about?”

 

“It’s private,” I shared minimally.

 

“Okay, I’ll respect that one. I’m sure I’ll find out someday.”

 

“Someday,” I repeated and watched her lick her thumb to her index finger, adding salt to it.

 

Shots.

 

I did exactly the same, handing a lime to her and then one for myself.

 

“Someday,” she smiled at me, repeating the word a third time.

 

We tapped our shot glasses and slammed them down on the glass coffee table before licking our palms and taking a shot. Sara’s repulsed reaction was beyond hilarious after she tasted the tequila and bit hard on the lime.

 

“Oh my god,” she choked.

 

“I told you you’re crazy.”

 

“That’s what you love about me,” she fluffed her own ego.

 

I made eye contact and smiled at her and she did the same.

 

“Always,” I couldn’t look away from her beautiful hazel eyes. I think I was looking at her too long.

 

But she didn’t look away either.

 

I felt a rush of giddiness in my heart and butterflies in my stomach. I almost stumbled trying to take another breath and I got nervous thinking maybe she’d notice.

 

“Shot two?” I broke the silence, getting a tad flustered.

 

“Shot two.”

 

I watched her lick her index finger again and she did it slowly. Fuck. I’ve seen her do that countless times while she was in between my legs. Except she made really sexy eye contact and had a motive to turn me on. That definitely wasn’t her motive now, even though she’s doing a really damn good job of it.

 

We each took a shot and bit the wedge of lime after. She made another adorable face that was repulsed by the shot, and then her expression turned analytical.

 

“Since you’re not gonna tell me whatever it is you’re not telling me about what I’m not remembering, can I ask you questions?”

 

That was a mouthful, but I knew what she meant immediately.

 

“No way!” Fuck. “I mean--no way. There’s nothing you’re missing, Sare. I told you everything--”

 

“Then why do you and Stacy hate each other?” She cut me off. She wanted answers.

 

I took a deep breath in and sighed.

 

“Maybe you should hear it from her,” my voice turned serious. I never told her that Stacy was there when Lindsey raped me. I never told her that she touched me.

 

And I didn’t want to bring that up right now. I felt dirty to throw Stacy under the bus like that without telling Sara about her and I. With that being said, Stacy didn’t even deserve to kiss Sara after that. Sara didn’t deserve to spend another night with her, especially with how much she hated Stacy after that. This situation is so unfair to Sara.

 

It was out of my control.

 

“So there is something.”

 

I bowed my head in shame. I didn’t want to upset her, but it was coming. “I’m sorry, Sare.”

 

“Did she do something to you?”

 

“Sare…” I couldn’t do this.

 

“Tegan _please_. This is serious. I shouldn’t even be asking questions, you should be telling me! What did she do to you?”

 

“I don’t know if it’s my place to say.”

 

“Then is it Stacy’s?” She asked, treading lightly. She knew she didn’t want to hear this.

 

“I’d rather you hear it from her. She’s your girlfriend after all.” I didn’t like that coming out from my mouth.

 

“Did she hurt you?” She asked another question.

 

I looked away and pressed my lips together. I could feel my eyes filling up with tears.

 

“Can I call her?”

 

“You can do anything you want,” I assured her.

 

“Can I tell her to come here?”

 

“Sure.”

 

How did I not think this whole situation was going to get sour quick? How did _she_ not think that?

 

Sara had fear and reluctance on her face and I wanted to make it go away, but that wasn’t my place right now. She picked up her phone and called Stacy.

 

“Hey. It’s me. Could you meet me in Tegan’s room?” She was so serious.

 

I heard faint talking on the other end. Stacy seemed calm. Fuck. My heart began to race.

 

“Okay, I’ll see you soon. Love you, too. Bye.” Sara put down her phone and looked at me.

 

I could feel her eyes on me, but I tried so hard to look elsewhere. All I could hear was my breathing. I wanted to vomit.

 

“You’re nervous.”

 

“I don’t want to be here when she’s here,” I shook my head and became extremely anxious.

 

“Is it that bad?”

 

I thought back to the morning after when I woke up beside Lindsey, completely haunted when I found out what had just happened. I was naked and didn’t know how I got there, feeling absolutely disgusting and desecrated. And then seeing Stacy in her room, too. That terrified me.

 

“Yes,” I began to cry and was shaking.

 

“Tee! Tee, I’m sorry--”

 

There was a knock on the door and I cried a little harder. Fuck, I had to stop it. Sara rubbed my hand before going to open the door for Stacy.

 

“Hey, Stace.”

 

“Hi, baby.” Stacy gave Sara a kiss on the mouth and Sara kept it reserved and short.

 

Stacy walked in and glared at me, beginning to realize she wasn’t just here to come get Sara.

 

My heart was beating out of my chest. My tears had come to a halt because seeing her snapped me out of it.

 

“Stace…” Sara trailed off or forgot that she was talking to her. Her face went blank.

 

“What, Sare?” She asked as she sat down on the couch, impatient for her girlfriend to speak.

 

“Why don’t you and Tegan like each other?”

 

Stacy went blank, too. She shook her head as she met eyes with me and I looked away.

 

This was too much.

 

“We like each other,” she shrugged her shoulders as lied to Sara.

 

“I know you don’t. You did something to her,” Sara called her out.

 

“What?”

 

“You did something to her! And Tegan doesn’t want to tell me. I want to hear it from you.”

 

Stacy looked at me, mouth open and shocked. Her expression screamed _how dare you._

 

“Tegan forgave me. We’re past it,” she added innocence into her voice as she shrugged her shoulders again, keeping her tone nonchalant.

 

“Did I know about this before?”

 

“Yes. You did, Sare,” Stacy started telling the truth. She couldn’t lie forever.

 

“And did _I_ forgive you?” Sara was scared to ask, but did anyway.

 

Stacy sighed and just looked at Sara.

 

“Did I forgive you?!” She raised her voice a bit louder.

 

“Eventually, you did.”

 

“Stacy, you’re scaring me...what happened?”

 

Stacy shook her head, I could see all the guilt flooding in. “I can’t.”

 

“Just say it!” She lost it on her.

 

Stacy adjusted herself on the couch, staring at the wall ahead of her and past Sara. “Did Tegan tell you about Lindsey?”

 

“Yeah, she’s dead.”

 

“No, the other part.”

 

“That she was a murderer?” Sara guessed again.

 

“No,” Stacy paused before continuing. “That she raped her.”

 

Sara was reluctant to respond.

 

“Yes.”

 

Stacy didn’t move her focus at all. She was adamant on not meeting Sara’s eyes. I don’t think she could bare to look at her right now.

 

“I was there,” she swallowed.

 

Sara took a deep breath in and nodded her head, trying to understand.

 

“Okay,” Sara said. She was emotionless.

 

“I was there. I was there when Lindsey walked into our hotel room with her.”

 

Sara looked at her with disappointed eyes and her breaths slowed.

 

“I could have stopped it, but I didn’t. Tegan was on something, she didn’t understand what was going on. I just sat there, watching Lindsey touch her.”

 

Stacy didn’t want to continue that sentence, but she knew that she had to.

 

“Then Lindsey told me to touch her, too. So I did.”

 

Sara was speechless for what felt like a minute. I could see her holding back tears but she could barely do that any longer.

 

“You raped my sister,” Sara said in disbelief.

 

“It was a mistake, Sara--” Stacy defended.

 

“A mistake?” She spat her words. “I don’t understand. Is that true, Tegan?”

 

I just looked at Sara, tears falling down from my face. I felt paralyzed.

 

“No, that’s not true. This is some sort of sick joke, right? You wouldn’t do that to my sister, Stacy. You wouldn’t.” Sara was getting hysterical, shaking her head back and forth uncontrollably. “You wouldn’t have had the nerve to try and touch me tonight if that were true.”

 

“I wish I was lying,” Stacy breathed.

 

“You could have stopped Lindsey from taking advantage of my sister? And you just _helped_ her?”

 

“It was a mistake,” Stacy repeated.

 

"How can you rape someone _by mistake_? It sure seems like you knew your intentions quite well..”

 

“I know, Sara. I know. I wasn’t thinking straight that night.”

 

“And that makes it okay that you touched her?!” Sara yelled at her in tears, as if any of Stacy’s reasons were valid. “Enlighten me, Stacy; why weren’t you thinking straight that night?” Sara mocked her.

 

Stacy took a deep breath.

 

“You broke up with me.”

 

Sara stared blankly at Stacy, who still was still too much of a coward to look her in the eyes. This was way too much for her to take in, I didn’t want her to hear any of this right now.

 

“Oh my fucking god,” I swear she was going to break out into tears. “What else are you keeping from me, Stacy?”

 

“I’m so sorry, Sara. I would take it all back if I could.”

 

“We’re not together anymore, are we?”

 

“No.” The guilt was plastered on her face.

 

“Why did I break up with you?” Sara asked.

 

Stacy looked at me before answering. “You didn’t love me anymore.”

 

“We never got back together, did we?”

 

“No.”

 

Sara nodded, looking away from her and trying to keep herself together. I could see her getting angrier every second that she tried to hold her composure.

 

“You’d take it all back if you could, huh?” Sara pushed her and started crying. “You’ve been trying to _fuck_ me since I came back from the hospital! You begged me not to leave you to see Tegan so you could fuck me! You let me believe that you’re still my girlfriend! How dare you try to touch me after you touched my sister?!”

 

Stacy grabbed Sara’s wrists and held them against her chest. “Hey Sara, stop it. Just calm down, okay?”

 

“Get your hands off of me! Don’t fucking touch me anymore!”

 

“Sara, please--” Stacy begged.

 

“I said don’t fucking touch me!” Sara screamed and I could tell she was scared and overwhelmed.

 

“Stacy, get away from her. She said she doesn’t want you to touch her,” I tried to stay calm and be there for Sara as she was breaking down.

 

“Sara, please forgive me. It was all a mistake. I love you,” she continued to pull at her wrists as she pushed me away.

 

“You knew that I hated you and you tried to fuck me. Do you have any shame? I fucking hate you. Don’t you ever tell me you love me again!”

 

“Sara…”

 

“Get the fuck _off_ of me!” Sara broke free from Stacy’s hold and shoved her, bursting into more tears.

 

“Sara, please. I’m so sorry,” she begged for another chance, grabbing my sister again.

 

“Stacy, let go of her. I think it’s time you went back to your room,” I intervened.

 

“I hate you, get off of me! Get the fuck off of me!” Sara tried to shove her again and Stacy resisted.

 

“Get the fuck out of here, Stacy!” I lost it and threw a punch at her face.

 

“Fuck you, Tegan!” Stacy tried to throw a punch back at me, but Sara blocked it and began screaming furiously at her.

 

“Don’t fucking touch her! Haven’t you abused her enough?! Get the fuck out or I’m calling the fucking police!” Sara grabbed Stacy by the shoulders and with all her force she shoved her out past the door.

 

“I’m sorry, Sara. You forgave me before. You just need time, baby. I’m so sorry,” Stacy pleaded and begged. “We’re better off together.”

 

“You could have at least been honest with me. And no. We’re definitely not. Goodbye, Stacy.”

 

“Please, baby. I’m so sorry,” Stacy grabbed Sara’s shirt and was a little more aggressive than I could tolerate. “I love you so much.”

 

“Stop!” She screamed.

 

“Please, Sara.” Stacy pulled Sara toward her and I had to intervene again. I slammed Stacy against the wall and heard her head smash against the wall.

 

“Don’t you dare fucking touch her. You’re scaring her, don’t you see that?” I threw her body against the wall again until she got the message loud and clear. “She doesn’t love you, now get the fuck out of here and don’t even think about coming back.”

 

“Tegan, stop!” Sara yelled from the door and I listened to her. Stacy didn’t fight back, I think she knew there was no point. I walked back into our room and was glad she didn’t follow me.

 

Sara closed the door and locked it, along with the deadbolt.

 

Sara was distraught and shaken up. “I didn’t know, Tegan, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“No.”

 

I held onto her tightly. That was a lot for her to take in. And her body was shaking so much that I could feel how scared she was.

 

“It’s okay, Sare. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you. That wasn’t fair to you at all.”

 

“She kept trying to sleep with me and something didn’t feel right.”

 

“Your gut is usually right,” I kept holding onto her.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me, Tee?”

 

My heart broke as she asked me that.

 

“I didn’t think you’d believe me,” I answered.

 

“Of course I’d believe you. I’d believe anything you tell me.”

 

I took a deep breath and stood with her. “I know, Sare.”

 

Sara decided that she was okay to continue drinking and sitting around with me. I filled her in on a few more questions she had, of course leaving out the minor detail of our incestual relationship.

 

She asked me why she broke up with Stacy, I knew that question would come. I told her that she simply fell out of love with her and she didn’t want to drag her along while she was unsure of their relationship. Just like Stacy had told her. She didn’t ask much more after that.

 

It was about an hour into us continuing to drink that her eyes finally dried of tears. Those butterflies that were exploding in my chest came back and I couldn’t help but adore every part of her while she wasn’t paying attention.

 

“Hey, Tee?” She asked, her voice was delicate.

 

“Yeah?” I responded as I grabbed another pretzel.

 

“Why didn’t mom say anything, why’d she let me believe I was with Stacy?”

 

I guess I should have known that question was coming, too. “Well,” I took a deep breath. I wanted to form an answer that didn’t show how much anger and hate I have built up for mom right now. “She thought it would be better if you just went with what you remembered. She likes Stacy, she thinks you two were good together. She thought you’d be safe with her.”

 

“I wish she was just honest with me.”

 

“Me too.”

 

My phone buzzed. It was Stacy. My heart started to race.

 

_Stacy: I left Sara’s suitcase at your door._

 

Phew. I thought she was going to keep fighting.

 

_Tegan: Thank you._

 

“She left your suitcase at the door. Let me get it for you, Sare.” I didn’t realize how drunk I was until I got up from the couch and stumbled.

 

“Thanks, you can just set it beside the bed.”

 

Sara had her nose into her phone as she scrolled for something and played around with her separate speaker. “I need music,” she said as she put on a playlist of dance music.

 

“I like this,” I said as I sat down beside her on the couch.

 

“Yeah. Maybe a few more shots and I’ll start dancing on the table,” she took one as she said that.

 

“Ha! I’d love to see that. Well, you know...not on the table.” I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but Sara just laughed.

 

“No?”

 

“Shut up, Sare. Keep taking shots.”

 

“Take them with me! Also it sounds like you want to see me dance on a table if you want me to keep taking shots.” She had the stupidest grin on her face as she raised her eyebrows suggestively.

 

“You’re an idiot,” I couldn’t help but laugh as she poured the shot of tequila and shoved it into my hands.

 

Sara laughed giddily and uncontrollably as she took the shot. “This is so disgusting. I’m so drunk, Tegan.”

 

“Let me get you some more water,” I stumbled into the kitchen with her glass to top up.

 

“You are the best,” she exaggerated. I was about as drunk as her. We’re the same size and we drank the same amount, but I think she doesn’t handle it as well as I can. She was about to hit her cut-off soon.

 

“Don’t mention it. Anything for you, Sare.”

 

I handed her the glass of water and closed the bottle of tequila. Sara was still looking at me and I noticed from the corner of my eye.

 

“Fuck!” She yelled. I pressed my palm to my face as I watched her try to take a sip from the glass and miss her mouth.

 

“Oh my goodness, Sare. Okay, you’re officially cut-off,” I laughed as I checked out her tequila-stained shirt.

 

“But it’s still early,” she whined as she got up. She looked at herself in the full-body mirror.

 

Fuck. She’s gonna take her shirt off. I watched her watching herself in the mirror, lifting up her shirt and pressing her chest out.

 

“Fuck, Sara” I breathed to myself. I couldn’t help but gawk. We were both too drunk to notice.

 

“Can I borrow one of your shirts? I don’t feel like unpacking tonight,” she asked as she opened up a drawer on the dresser.

 

“Yeah,” I just about stumbled my words. “Uhh, that drawer.”

 

She took her bra off before putting my shirt on. I guess it was wet, too. My lip started to hurt and I realized I was biting it so hard that it was almost bleeding.

 

Her nipples were showing through my white sweatshirt that she borrowed. I could make out each of her breasts so perfectly. She stared at me with those innocent, naive depths.

 

“Bed?”

 

I took that completely out of context.

 

“Yeah. You tired already?”

 

“Oh, exhausted. Crying and alcohol knock me right out,” she said as she grabbed her toothbrush and shuffled into the bathroom. “Come brush your teeth with me.”

 

“How are you, Sare?” I asked as I grabbed my toothbrush off of the counter and joined her as she asked.

 

“I’m just glad you’re here with me.”

 

“Me too. I always will be.”

 

Sara rinsed her mouth with a cup of water and toweled off her face. “God, I’m gonna be so hungover tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah,” I laughed. “I wouldn’t be surprised.”

 

“Why do we do this to ourselves, Tee?” She complained as she got into bed and pulled the covers over her.

 

“Because it’s fun.” I took my shirt and my bra off and threw it to the floor, hoping that maybe she’d look. But that was a far-fetched thought if I ever had one. I pulled a new oversized shirt over my head and got into comfy shorts.

 

“Come cuddle me in case I wake up and start crying in the middle of the night,” she demanded.

 

“Cuddle you, you want me to cuddle you?” I didn’t know if I was hearing her right.

 

“Yes. I don’t know how I’m going to feel when the alcohol wears off. I think it’ll hit me more and I’ll need you,” she justified.

 

“Oh, okay. Sure.”

 

“Is that weird? Sisters cuddle, right?”

 

“Of course they do.”

 

“Especially if one isn’t well,” she hugged herself into the blankets. “Then the other stays with them and cheers them up.”

 

I grabbed her glass of water and brought it to her night table, making sure that she had access to it if she did wake up in the middle of the night.

 

“Okay,” I giggled a bit at her adorableness.

 

“I swear I have memories of us cuddling on this tour. Oh well, I must be going crazy.”

 

Maybe she will remember us, I couldn’t afford to get my hopes up.

 

“That must be it,” I lifted up the covers and snuggled up next to her. I was hesitant as to where I should put my hands. _Don’t touch her chest, don’t touch her chest_ was all that went through my head. Her waist, thighs, hips. God, wherever I put my hands it would seem sexual. “Where do you want my hands?”

 

Did I just say that?

 

Oh my god.

 

“Here,” she took my arm and wrapped it around her. She put her head on my chest and wrapped her free arm around me. I did the same and put my hand softly between her shoulders blades. “Are you comfortable?”

 

“Mhm. You?”

 

“Yeah. Thanks for making me feel safe.”

 

She melts me.

 

“Goodnight. Have kind dreams.”

 

“I will.”


	73. Provocation

**Sonia**

 

“How can you be okay with this, Stephen?”

 

“I care about their happiness first and foremost.”

 

“Sara could have  _ died _ ,” I couldn’t get my head around my ex-husband’s logic.

 

“But she didn’t, and life goes on. You can’t keep her in the dark and tell her she’s dating her ex. I’m sure she broke it off last month with her for a reason.”

 

“She loved Stacy. She only left her for Tegan,” I reasoned.

 

“Because she’s in love with Tegan,” he defended.

 

“Are you hearing yourself?”

 

“Sonia, come on. This shouldn’t be a shock to you. It’s not like this is new or anything. You remember they used to kiss when they were little.”

 

“Yeah, I do remember that and now they’re having  _ sex _ .”

 

“But that’s none of  your business, Sonia.”

 

“They’re my  _ daughters! _ And they’re yours, too. Of course it’s our business! I caught them having sex in my car, and I completely told them not to do it under my roof. And they did! At the cottage and at home when I was out! You should have seen the marks on Sara’s neck.”

 

“Okay, I get that. I really do, but you can’t keep Sara in the dark like that. Do you know how unfair to her that is?”

 

“Tegan looked me dead in the eyes the other day at the hospital and told me that she hates me. Do you know how that feels? She’s never said that to me before,” I wanted to cry.

 

“Because it wasn’t your place to tell her she can’t say anything to Sara. She’s heartbroken. You’re her mother. She’s probably devastated that you would do that to her and jeopardize her happiness.

 

“I’m just trying to protect them.”

 

“You can’t. They’re old enough to make their own decisions. If they mess up, so what? They’re human. Haven’t you ever messed up before? The whole world already knows about them except Sara. You can’t intervene the way you did, Sonia. I don’t care how wrong you think it is what they’re doing. Those are your daughters. And they expect better from you.”

 

“I just don’t know what to do.”

 

\--

 

**Sara**

 

I woke up to Tegan being a little bit closer to me than I would have anticipated. And my throat was so dry, the alcohol last night left me so dehydrated. I could see the sun beginning to peek through the shades and I’m sure Tegan would be up soon, too.

 

The glass of water was beside me on the nightstand, but not within an arm’s reach. I didn’t want to adjust myself because I didn’t want to wake her up.

 

Last night just flooded back into my memory. Oh god, poor Tegan. My heart sank at the thought of it. I still can’t understand why Stacy would do something so cruel, let alone betray my trust like she did And lie to me for the past two days, plus trying to sleep with me on top of that.

 

How dare she?

 

I was lying on my back and Tegan was curled into me. One of her legs buried in between mine. Her arm around me. Face into the crook of my neck and hand on my sternum.

 

She looked so peaceful. I was just laying there and listening to her steady breathing as she slept.

 

My sister adjusted her body a bit and moved her hand right overtop of one of my breasts.

 

Oh my god. 

 

And I wasn’t wearing a bra.

 

I panicked and froze.

 

“Mm, you feel so good, baby. I missed you,” she murmured.

 

Okay, she’s having a dream. 

 

Oh my god. 

 

What do I do?

 

I put my hand on her wrist, about to move it off from me. I felt a rush of something through my body as she squeezed my chest and moaned again, so I waited and stayed frozen.

 

I could feel my nipples getting hard as she touched me. That’s fucked up, right?

 

I took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled out.

 

Why did I feel safe and familiar with her holding me like this?

 

Why didn’t I want to move her hand?

 

I let the blood flow back to my brain and moved her hand that she wrapped around me into a warm embrace. Now this felt more sisterly. I’m gonna keep what happened to myself. No one needs to know.

 

Not even Tegan.

 

Especially Tegan.

 

Who was she having a dream about?

 

I wonder who she’s been dating lately. She’s always got someone she’s talking to, she’s such a hopeless romantic. Me, I always took a little longer to fall for someone. And it had to be the right someone. Tegan was sort of like that, too. But she’d get infatuated and excited really quick. She’s definitely been seeing someone.

 

I just wonder who?

 

I bet it’s whoever she wrote that song about.

 

“Sare?”

 

“Good morning, Tegan,” I smiled.

 

“Oh. Did I...?” she loosened her embrace and felt weird. “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s okay, it’s okay!” I assured her I didn’t mind her cuddled up next to me. “You looked really comfortable.”

 

“Yeah,” she smiled and let out an innocent, embarrassed laugh. “I guess I was.”

 

Since she was awake, I propped myself up against the headboard and grabbed the glass of water Tegan thoughtfully left for me last night. As I downed the entire glass, I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew that she groped me like that while she was asleep or just felt weird for being so close to me.

 

I guess I’ll never know.

 

“Do you want to shower first, or…” she trailed off.

 

“You can go ahead, Tee.” 

 

“Okay, cool.” She got up and grabbed her clothes. She seemed extra fidgety or anxious or something, sort of awkward. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Maybe she did know.

 

It could be anything, really. 

 

While Tegan was showering, I stared aimlessly at my phone. I guess I won’t be getting any ‘good morning' messages from Stacy. I don’t even know how to feel about this right now. There was definitely a lot of disgust and lack of respect for her, but she was my girlfriend of two years. It wasn’t going to be easy to just forget about her.

 

I wonder if she’s still here.

 

My heart sank as I stared at the ceiling and I didn’t move from the bed. I just laid there, thinking. This was really it between us. I was a little bit drunk to remember everything completely, but I just can’t believe what she did. She raped my sister. She let me believe that her and I still had a relationship after we had been broken up for so long.

 

I can’t believe she did that.

 

I remember her begging and begging as I told her to get off of me, for me to take her back and understand that she would take it back if she could. God, this was so heavy on my chest. I wanted to call her right now and just yell at her, ask her ‘why?’ over and over again until something just didn’t hurt anymore inside met.

 

And what about mom? 

 

I really didn’t know how to feel about her now, either. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed by her, that she would let me think I was still with Stacy as well. It wasn’t her place to do that, because she didn’t know about what Stacy had done to Tegan.

 

If only she did.

 

I wanted to call her, too, and just yell at her. How dare she get involved in my life like that?

 

Ugh, my heart right now. I want it to be in one piece, but it’s far from that.

 

The water stopped from Tegan’s shower, and I listened to her sliding the curtain open and stepping out.

 

And what about Tegan? 

 

She’s my sister, I love her so much. She was put in a really uncomfortable position like that. I could tell she wanted to tell me, but she had a million reasons as to why she shouldn’t. I bet last night was incredibly hard for her, too. With Lindsey and everything that’s happened to her.

 

God, she’s so strong.

 

The bathroom door opened and she walked out in just a towel wrapped around her wet body, going straight to her suitcase to grab some clothes.

 

“You okay, Sare?” She must have noticed my perplexed face. Or maybe I had tears on my face. I didn’t know.

 

“I’m just thinking about everything.”

 

“I know,” her face was caring and empathetic. “It was abrupt and unexpected to say the least.”

 

“Yeah,” I nodded my head slowly as I stared into space. “Two years and now...nothing.”

 

“Yeah,” Tegan stopped digging through her suitcase. “I’m sorry, Sare.”

 

I saw the guilt on her face.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Tee. Please don’t think this had anything to do with you. It didn’t, it’s not your fault.”

 

Tegan pursed her lips and nodded, agreeing with me but deep down there was something more. She started to sob and my heart broke for her. 

 

“This is just so fucked up,” she choked under her cries.

 

Ugh, I wish she was dressed so I could hug her and comfort her. I ran over and rubbed her back. It definitely wasn’t easy being there for her when I was on the verge of a breakdown myself. 

 

“We’ll get through this together. We always have each other, Tee.”

 

She gave me a look that I couldn’t quite understand. Her eyes were bloodshot, like she had already been crying in the shower. I wish I could do something. I wish we could just escape this and this all never happened. I wish I never injured my head and things would go back to however they were last week.

 

“Are you okay if I leave you to shower?”

 

“Mhm,” she murmured.

 

“Okay,” I squeezed her arm which was my weird way of trying to relax her. “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

 

Tegan let me borrow some of her clothes for today, I just couldn’t bring myself to unpack yet. I must have been depressed or something. We share outfits for our shows anyway, so it didn’t really matter much.

 

Wow this bathroom, it’s huge and gorgeous. Crisp white and shiny, way more luxurious than Tegan and I would’ve ever stayed in without Colin’s dime. I undressed myself and folded my clothes on the countertop while I examined myself in the oversized mirror.

 

I leaned in a little closer and touched my neck. My skin was a little discoloured there, black and purple and blue. Like bruised or something. How the hell does someone bruise their neck?

 

It didn’t hurt that much, but it definitely felt sensitive to touch. Whatever, I’m over it. I expect to have half of my life be a mystery and unknown at the moment. I’m sure there’s a million more things I’ve yet to be made aware of that happened this month. 

 

I’m so over it.

 

I pulled the fancy lever thingy that turned on the water in the shower and stepped in, hanging my towel on the hook just outside. My nipples were hard and I was cold, so I liked the feeling of the extra hot water hitting my skin. I looked down at my body and thought about how Stacy almost had me naked the first night I got here. She had me down to my panties, but that was it.

 

I don’t want anyone to see my body unless there’s mutual love and respect for one another. Stacy and I clearly didn’t have that.

 

Okay, I had to focus. Well, not overthink right now. We had to be out of here soon and get to the venue and ready to set up for tonight.

 

I finished doing everything I needed to do and turned off the water, grabbed my towel and towelled off.

 

I walked out, dressed, and Tegan was dressed now, too. She looked better than when I saw her twenty minutes ago. I just knew this whole day was going to be all over the place, so I didn’t have the highest expectations for it. Regardless, I knew we’d get our shit together by tonight, and that’s what mattered most.

 

“Ready to go?” 

 

I grabbed my phone and bag and headed to the door. 

 

“Yep.”

 

\--

 

Well, there wasn’t much to say about tonight’s show. It happened, it was great and thankfully we had our shit together by then. I had a lot of fun during the show, but I expected that. It was probably one of the only times today that I felt I could just let loose and enjoy the moment. I had forgotten about Stacy through the entire set, and for that I was so grateful.

 

When I’m on stage performing, I typically let my ego get the best of me and just soak up all of the adoration from the crowd. The time spent talking to them and Tegan between songs are the most memorable parts of the show, and needless to say my favourite.

 

Last song.

 

We stood on stage waving at the crowd as they screamed at us and cheered after our encore. This felt so good, we have so much love for them. And all of this hard work that Tegan and I have done just to have these moments with them. It was all incredibly worth it. Tegan looked at me and that was my cue to start walking off stage.

 

“That was great!” She gave me a big hug and it made me grin from ear to ear. I’ve been wanting a hug like this from her all day.

 

“That was amazing!” Colin startled me a bit as he shook my shoulder. “You guys wanna go back and have some drinks in my room, we can all just hang out and chill?”

 

“You up for that?” Tegan looked at me sincerely.

 

“I think I need to have a few drinks,” I justified to Tegan. “Uninterrupted this time.”

 

“We have tequila in our room,” Tegan looked at Colin. “We’ll grab it when we get back to the hotel and then meet you guys.”

 

\--

 

Shot number...six?

 

I couldn’t keep count anymore. And I was mixing. Oh god. Is that not...genius?

 

Well, I can always count on Tegan to take care of me. Slightly less when she’s just as drunk as me, but I’m safe with everyone. I couldn’t stop giving everyone hugs and kisses and I was so happy to be around people I love. 

 

And this penthouse, holy fucking shit.

 

Colin is so classy and mysterious, my god. I bet I even thought that before this stupid concussion happened.

 

Jasper, Ted, Emy, Tegan, Colin. It just felt so good to be with them. Laughter and good conversation. Well, we were all being pretty loud and immature right now, but the conversations were still good. I just loved being in their company.

 

Emy had her arm around me and I was a beam of tipsy bubbliness. I couldn’t stop giggling and smiling and I didn’t want the warm giddiness in my tummy to go away.

 

It was great.

 

The bass of the loud music playing vibrated in my chest and energized me, just like the show did tonight.

 

“You okay there, Sare?” Emy shook me and gave me the prettiest smile. She does that a lot. She has one of the most beautiful, genuine smiles I’ve ever seen.

 

“Yes. Thank you, Emelina.” I smiled back.

 

Her smiled disappeared and she shot me the most confused look.

 

“You know that’s not my real name, right? It’s Emily.”

 

“Obviously I do.” I laughed uncontrollably, yet calmly. “We dated before, right? I’m just kidding, I know we did.”

 

She looked at me like I was out of my mind. So I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I’m just kidding, miss Emily,” I felt my eyes glaze over but I still tried to act sober and not drunk.

 

I felt another arm around my other shoulder as a body planted itself on the other side of me.

 

“Oh! It’s my sister.”

 

“Hi, sis.” Tegan smiled and I turned her face away so I could give her a kiss on the cheek just like I did Emy.

 

“Hi, sis.” I flashed her my most charming smile. Guaranteed I looked super drunk and stupid, though.

 

“Hey Sare, why don’t you just actually kiss her?” Colin commented. He was probably drunker than us, because I knew that wouldn’t come out of his mouth sober.

 

I laughed, but Tegan had a different reaction.

 

“ _ Shut _ up!” She got off the couch and pushed him. He was sitting on the couch adjacent to her.

 

“Ou, Tee. No need to get all defensive, it was just a joke. Calm down, girl,” I rolled my eyes and pulled her to sit back down with me. “Oh, that reminds me. Who are you seeing now?”

 

“Seeing? Why do you think I’m seeing someone?”

 

“You always are. So I just thought you were,” I presumed.

 

“I’m not seeing anyone.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Why?” She asked.

 

“I just thought you would have been, that’s all,” I shrugged my shoulders.

 

“Nope. I’m as single as they get.”

 

“Yeah, well so is Sara now so you guys should totally kiss.” Jasper called out and he and Colin basked in each other’s laughter. 

 

“I will fire both of you!” Tegan shouted from beside me and I held her back so she couldn’t get up and shove them, too.

 

Emy was dying of laughter at Tegan’s reaction. And I had to admit I was too, but on the inside. I didn’t take them too seriously, unlike Tegan.

 

“I don’t know why she’s getting so aversive. Is this a dare?” I chimed in.

 

“No it’s not!” Tegan shot up and I pulled at her wrists, giggling.

 

God, I’m so fucking drunk.

 

“Yeah, it is. And if you don’t, you have to take three shots,” Colin joked.

 

“Wow,  _ three whole shots _ .” I was sarcastic and mockingly enthused. “That’s quite the option there, Colin. I would have done it without an ultimatum. That’s how you can tell I’m just way too drunk right now. I don’t even think I’d remember any of this tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah, and I can’t possibly take advantage of an innocent drunk girl,” Tegan remarked.

 

I had my hand on her shoulder and laughed so hard into her as she said that. She made my stomach hurt. “I’d let you,” I went along with the joke and everyone but Tegan laughed.

 

“You’re so past cut-off,” Tegan authorized.

 

“Okay, so is this just like a peck or what?” 

 

“Are you serious right now?” Tegan was wide-eyed and shocked.

 

“We’ll just leave that up to drunk Sara,” Emy chimed in.

 

“Emy?!” Drunk Tegan was appalled.

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I retaliated, trying to be funny again.

 

“Oh my god,” Tegan was embarrassed. It was sort of adorable. 

 

“You’ll pay for all of our penthouse suites the rest of our tour, right Colin?” I joked.

 

“Sara! Oh my god!” Tegan wasn’t about this at all.

 

“Oh, come on, Tee,” I nudged her and faced her. “It’s all in good fun. So are you gonna kiss me or what?”

 

Tegan looked me in the eyes and sighed, eventually turning her body to face me on the couch. I was sorta turned on by her, but I was keeping that to myself. She shook her head back and forth, taking a deep breath in and a deep breath out. Not in a way that she was saying no, rather that she was extremely displeased with what she was about to do. It actually made me a little nervous. 

 

Maybe I didn’t think as I was saying all those stupid, immature things.

 

We made eye contact and I swallowed hard. She looked at me so intensely and I swear I sobered up in a split second. I’m pretty sure my heart stopped as she cupped my jaw in her hands.

 

Their voices were dead silent now, all I could hear was the sound of loud music drowning out my rapid heartbeat.

 

I held the insides of her elbows and squeezed them harder the second she met her lips with mine. This wasn’t just a peck. She bit my lower lip and it sent pressure through my body and into places I’d rather not mention right now.

 

Her lips tasted like the tequila mixed with a weird tinge of familiarity. I wanted to press my body against hers and I lost track of time as these indecent thoughts ran through my mind. I’m borderline blackout drunk and grieving the loss of my two year relationship. This situation was pretty justified right about now.

 

I’m not sure who initiated it first, but I slipped my tongue into her mouth and couldn’t resist letting out a moan any longer. I hoped the music was loud enough to mute it out. I squeezed her bare biceps harder with my fingertips and tried my hardest not to dig my nails into her. She bit my lower lip again and I just about threw myself at her. She gave me one last, quick kiss on the lips and separated herself from me.

 

My stomach turned a bit. I wanted more.

 

“There, guys. You happy? Your male fantasy is fulfilled,” she spoke.

 

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call  _ that _ the male fantasy. Maybe if you let me--”

 

“Okay, well  _ that  _ definitely is not going to happen!” She interrupted Colin.

 

I wasn’t in the mood to make jokes anymore, even though I could have shot up and made one at Tegan’s response. I was serious and sober now. What a weird feeling that came over me. I just laughed and kept my mouth shut, hoping nobody would notice that I was suddenly a little weird.

 

“Colin needs to be excused,” Ted joked.

 

“Oh yeah. Totally,” he was sarcastic and loud. “It’s not like I hadn’t seen  _ that _ before--”

 

He abruptly stopped that thought and looked like he was about to slam his palm to his mouth. He stopped from doing that, too.

 

I looked at him, confused. Everyone else looked stunned, too.

 

“What?”

 

“Oh my god, Sare! You got tequila all over your shirt!” Emy pointed at my chest.

 

I looked down and she flicked her hand up at my face as soon as I did. “Hey!” I wasn’t impressed. “I can’t believe I fell for that!”

 

For a second I forgot about Colin’s comment, but I looked around and noticed the energy was totally off in the room. 

 

“Were you just trying to distract me, Em?” I questioned.

 

“No. I just love how gullible you are,” she giggled and I couldn’t help but think she was hiding something.

 

“Come on, guys. There’s something you’re not telling me.”

 

I looked at Tegan long and hard and she said nothing as she looked away.

 

“Really?” I waited for someone to say something, expecting them to change the subject. “Does Colin have some sister fetish or something? Are him and I dating? Okay that’s a little far-fetched, but seriously guys!”

 

“No to any of that, Sare, I just thought maybe Tegan didn’t want to keep talking about this thing. She doesn’t look impressed,” Colin defended.

 

“She looks like there’s something she’s not telling me,” I corrected him.

 

“You know everything, Sare.” My sister shrugged her shoulders and I didn’t buy that for one second. She wasn’t a bad liar, but she couldn’t ever really look me in the eye if she was telling a lie.

 

“You’re full of shit, Tee.”

 

“No I’m not,” she put a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me with superiority.

 

“Fine,” I turned my face away from her. “I’ll figure it out. I’m not stupid.”

 

“I never said you were, Sare.”

 

“You know, it’s cruel for you to hide things from me. Especially under these circumstances,” I guilt-tripped her.

 

“Sare, I  _ know _ that. Despite it being difficult for me to tell you about Stacy, I still told you!”

 

“Okay, well there’s still things you’re hiding.”

 

“And if there was, do you really want to address them now, when you’re this drunk?” She tried to deflect the conversation.

 

“I’ll do as I please,” I huffed.

 

“Alright, Sare. Do as you please. Wanna go?”

 

I looked at her, feeling a bit defeated that she dismissed the conversation like that. “Sure,” I sighed. I was definitely feeling the alcohol in my system. And just because we were leaving didn’t mean we were going to sleep just yet.

 

“Enjoy your current and future hotel penthouses, ladies.”

 

“Thank you, Colin,” I looked at him with a sarcastically priss expression. It was Tegan that I was mad at, not him.

 

“Ugh. Gross, Colin. I feel like I’ve been bought out or something,” Tegan cringed as she walked out the door. “Come on, Sare.”

 

“Bye guys,” I gave everyone hugs before I left. There was still a huge elephant in the room and it sucked knowing it was something being kept from me.

 

I’ll get it out of Tegan.

  
  
  


“Tegan!” I yelled at her as she opened up the door to our room. “Are you really just gonna tell me it’s nothing?”

 

“It  _ is _ nothing! Can we please change the subject now?”

 

“How could you do that to me? You, know I would never do something like this to you.”

 

“Sare,  _ please _ don’t go there. You’re so drunk! You’re getting worked up over nothing. Colin didn’t mean anything by it. Let’s just enjoy the rest of our night.” Tegan walked through to the end of our penthouse and noticed there was a door that she’s never seen before. “Oh my god, we have a balcony!”

 

“We do?” I got excited as she opened the door, following her out to the other side. 

 

“Wow, look at this view!” She gasped.

 

We both looked out to the skyline and gawked at what looked like castles and neverending lakes that mirrored over the night sky. It was incredible, to say the least, and completely mesmerizing.

 

“It’s really breathtaking,” I said as I watched Tegan in awe at the view. “So can you stop ignoring my question?”

 

“Sare! I’m not ignoring you! Oh my god, you are so annoying!”

 

“I am not!” I guarded.

 

“He didn’t mean anything! He’s seen twins kiss before. Wow, cool. That has no relevance to you! I’m going to throw you off this balcony if you don’t stop with this--”

 

“Hey! That’s not funny!” I held my hands up in the air as she threatened me, defending myself. “Some people actually do that and die!”

 

“I’m sorry, Sare. You’re right. That wasn’t funny at all,” she held my wrists and tried to push my hands down, speaking to me like a child.

 

“You’re laughing, stop laughing!”

 

“I’m not laughing,” she said as she continued to grin at me.

 

“Yes you are!” 

 

“You get so worked up over nothing and take everything so literally,” she commented.

 

“So?” I huffed.

 

“So, _ princess.”  _ She exaggerated her words. “You’re in a beautiful city at the top of a jaw-dropping hotel on someone else’s dime and drunk as hell off as someone else’s alcohol; can’t you just shut up for a minute and enjoy the freakin’ view in front of you and stop critiquing every single thing?”

 

I felt the corner of my lip try and fight a smile, but gave her a snide, sassy look instead at her demand.

 

“Why don’t you make me?”

 

Tegan was more transparent in her emotions than I was and wore them on her sleeve, laughing hysterically as she picked me up over her shoulders and nearly gave me a heart attack.

 

“Hey!” I screamed.

 

“No view for you, then. Let’s just go to bed.”

 

“Tegan! Put me down you asshole!”

 

“Wow, that’s rude. Why should I listen to you if you’re calling me an asshole?” Tegan spoke in her calm, sarcastic, shit-disturbing tone.

 

“I’m serious! I said ‘put me down!’” I screamed at her as she had me upside down.

 

“Oh, you’re  _ serious _ ?” She pretended to express any sign of caring. “But I was serious when I told you I wasn’t hiding anything from you. Is this different or something?”

 

“Tegan! We’re so high up, put me down!”

 

I slammed my wrists on her lower back as she walked back into the penthouse. She apparently loved playing around with me. 

 

“I hate you,” I pouted as soon as she threw me down onto the bed, my arms already up in defense.

 

“Take that back,” she had a big smile on her face as she fought hand in hand with me, trying to push me down.

 

Her smile was contagious and I couldn’t help myself.

 

“No,” I smiled and kept my words hurtful.

 

“No?” She had a sad look on her playful face. “That hurts, Sare. How could you do that to me? You know I would never say something like that to you?” She mocked me.

 

“Shut up,” I had to let out a laugh. “You’re such a loser.”

 

“Are you done calling me names?”

 

“No,” I pushed my hands against hers until she was pushing back as hard as she could. I decided to stop and she fell onto me and pushed my back down onto the bed. “Whoa, easy there. You didn’t get enough of me from that dare or something?”

 

She rolled her eyes at me and looked as if she was trying not to laugh. “Go to bed.”

 

“Alright, queen of changing the subject,” I remarked as I moved my body up against the headboard.

 

“That was a rhetorical question. Unless you actually wanted me to answer that, you freak.”

 

“Wow,” I retorted. “Rude. Also, highly inaccurate.” 

 

“Right, you’re as vanilla as they come.”

 

“Well, that’s also debatable. I don’t know how many vanilla people keep sex toys in their suit--”

 

I may have been drunk out of my mind, but it didn’t take a genius to realize there was no logical explanation as to how that strap-on made its way in my suitcase anymore.

 

Especially now that I know I hadn’t been with Stacy the past month.

 

And I think Tegan caught on to what I was thinking, because she looked at me the same way she did when she accidentally told me that Santa Claus wasn’t real when we were six. Complete guilt.

 

“Let’s go to bed, Sare.” She got off of me and went into the bathroom to change.

 

I had already washed off all my makeup and got into comfier clothes before I left to hang out with everyone. I pulled the covers overtop of me and stayed there, speechless and frozen.

 

There really is something I don’t know about my life.

 

Tegan came back, quiet, and slipped herself underneath the covers. I felt alone in the huge bed and didn’t think anything would come from me bringing it up, so I didn’t. I had nothing left in me to put up a fight anyway, and it’s not like she was even going to tell me any truths.

 

I felt as distant as ever from her.

 

My sister looked at me, and I could see the guilt in her eyes even in the darkness.

 

“Goodnight, Sara.”

 

“Night.”


	74. Calumny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas ya filthy animals! Lol, I hope you all enjoy this chapter. For some feels listen to I Found by Amber Run. It may not fit the whole chapter but I was listening to it while I was writing. Always love your comments, kudos and tumblr anons. x

**Sara**

 

Budapest. Vienna. Florence.

 

Three cities, and now onto the forth.

 

One week has past.

 

Yet I’ve figured out nothing.

 

I felt lost and so distant from Tegan. It just felt like we were going through the motions and maybe she felt it, too. I’m almost certain she did, but neither of us voiced it to each other.

 

The shows were going well, though. But there wasn’t much to talk about there. The crowds were so funny, we weren’t too bad either. They loved it when we’d fuck up lyrics and chords and of course we did several times. 

 

Great couple of shows. Nothing extravagant or noteworthy, though.

 

You know, the usual.

 

We’re in Rome now. And yes, it was everything I dreamed it would be and more. But it could have been so much more if I didn’t have this gaping void in the pit of my stomach.

 

It’s as if I had something in my past life and now it was ripped away from me in my new life. I could tell you I wasn’t complete, but I couldn’t tell you why.

 

And that’s exactly how I felt waking up today, too. This morning it wasn’t just figuratively, either. I woke up alone in bed. No sign of Tegan.

 

These penthouses just keep getting bigger and emptier as the tour goes on.

 

At least that’s how it felt.

 

I don’t even know why we took the route that we did for touring. Apparently our first stop was Verona, and now we’re in Rome? I have no idea why we didn’t just tour all of Italy in the first place, but apparently I loved Verona a lot.

 

That’s what Tegan told me.

 

I wish I could remember being in Paris. That’s a huge shame, too.

 

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes with one hand and the other I set down carelessly on Tegan’s pillow, feeling a small piece of paper that I almost crumpled up.

 

_ Sara _ , it read.

 

_ I stepped out for an hour or two. Just in need of some fresh air, I’ll be back soon. Didn’t want to wake you, you looked so peaceful sleeping. If you want to explore Rome by the time I get back, I’ll know all the best spots to go. _

 

_ T _

 

_ PS I know things have been off lately, and it’s my fault and I’m so sorry for making you feel this way. Please know that you’re not alone and I love you more than you’ll know. I’ll be back with your favourite - coffee :)  _

 

“Like that’ll make everything better.”

 

My phone started buzzing and I didn’t remember where I put it. I could feel the vibrations in my bed and searched through the piles and piles of blankets.

 

This is unusual.

 

“Dad?”

 

“Hello to you, too, sweetheart.” Hearing his voice warmed my heart.

 

“Daddy! Hi! I’m sorry I’m just waking up, I was thrown off. I wasn’t expecting a call from you. I miss you! How are you?”

 

I heard his laughter on the other end. “I’m doing very well. Except I can’t stop thinking about your accident. I’m so sorry, baby. How are you doing, really?”

 

“Um,” my voice went thick.

 

Was I really bottling it up this much that I instantaneously had to burst out into tears?

 

“Sweetheart?” He asked again when he heard silence on my end.

 

“I feel so alone, dad. It’s like nobody cares about me,” I let out a million sobs.

 

“I know, Sara, I know. And it breaks my heart to hear that.”

 

“Mom kept me in the dark about Stacy, dad. She and I weren’t even dating when I had the accident!” I let all of my anger out. Dad was great at being a shoulder to cry on. Even over the phone and continents apart.

 

“I know everything, baby. I don’t agree with what she did at all. She put Tegan in an extremely uncomfortable position,” he empathized.

 

“And now Tegan and I aren’t even the same anymore. She doesn’t even look me in the eyes anymore. Something’s changed and I don’t know what it is. Something happened and she’s not telling me and I am so mad at her but I know it’s not her fault.” I couldn’t even construct my sentences anymore I was so riled up and unsure of what to do or how to feel.

 

“It’s not her fault, baby. She loves you very much and she’s probably just as mad as you are right now. It was your mom’s decision to do this and you need to know that. I think you deserve to know what’s happening and it’s not fair to you.”

 

“I knew it, I knew it!” I was on the verge of a break down. “Dad, please tell me what’s happening. You’re the only one that’s giving me anything.”

 

“Do you still write in your journal, sweetie?” 

 

I looked over at my opened suitcase.

 

“I think so,” I calmed down a bit. I wasn’t sure what he was getting at. “I haven’t after the hospital, though. I am pretty sure I packed it with me.”

 

“Maybe you wrote in it while you’ve been in Europe. Maybe it’ll give you some answers. I want you to hear this from yourself, baby. If there’s nothing in there, call me, but I think it has the answer you’re looking for. I know how much you love to write in that thing.” He had so much love in his voice.

 

“Thank you, daddy.”

 

“Before you go, Sare bear, I just want you to know that I love and support you always. I know I don’t see you as much as I’d like to lately, but you and Tegan mean the world to me.”

 

“Okay,” I was bawling again. 

 

“I love you, sweetheart.”

 

“You too,” I nodded my head and pressed my lips together in fear that I’d let out another stream of sobs.

 

He’s the only one that gave me anything.

 

I set down my phone and coursed over to my suitcase that was laying on the ground. I dug through the pocket that I kept all of my books in and pulled out my journal, exhaling a deep sigh of relief.

 

It’s here.

 

Cutting the pages nearly stopped my heart from beating. I was finally going to figure out what on earth it was that just had to be kept from me. To see what mom was keeping a secret from me and willing to sacrifice my wellbeing for. 

 

Her integrity.

 

My dignity.

 

I wonder if she thinks it’s worth me hating her for?

 

January, nope. I kept turning the pages. March, May, June. Almost.

 

There it was - July. I don’t remember writing any of these passages.

 

There were tons.

_ I don’t know if I can bottle this up for any longer. I don’t know what to do. Last night I had a fucked up dream and it’s been corrupting my mind and all of my thoughts ever since. It was about Tegan, my twin. I couldn’t control it but it felt so wrong. There was a part of me, though, that liked it. As much as I want to deny it, a big part of me liked it. I feel disgusted with myself. I can’t believe I just wrote those words. _

Well, that solves it that I’m not just having prurient thoughts about Tegan all of a sudden. That’s kind of fucking weird, though. Why does that keep happening?

_ I was really drunk last night and that may have had something to do with it. Tegan walked me home and I remember falling asleep as soon as she brought me into my room. This is the part that wasn’t real, but it felt so real. The fucked up part is that I wished it were real. It was definitely a dream though. Tegan would never do this to me. _

_ I woke up to her, staring at me, wearing nothing but a strap-on. She didn’t say a word until she told me she wanted to make love to me. I told her I just wanted her to fuck me and she started caressing my whole body. I remember dreaming about her. I liked her touching me and I couldn’t stop it. She tied up my wrists and threatened to spank me if I didn’t tell her I liked fucking my sister. I woke up just before she made me cum. _

_ I feel so dirty. I don’t know how to act around her. I was so mortified that I woke up mouthing the dialogue from my dream and thighs soaking wet from the thought of my identical twin sister touching me. I leveled with myself that if I finished my orgasm I would forget about it. But I just made it worse and kept thinking about her when I fucked myself to her in the shower. _

_ I can’t live with myself. I am so fucked up. What is wrong with me? Everything. She spent the whole day taking care of me; I fell asleep cuddling into her arms and she must have thought I was a fucking weirdo. I felt so safe and comfortable and I had butterflies. The butterflies terrified me. I don’t know why but I couldn’t stop that feeling. It felt so right with her. _

“Oh my god,” I covered my mouth with my hand. “What?” 

This isn’t good.

_ She just left me because her girlfriend came to surprise her. I don’t know why but I feel weirdly jealous of her. I can hear her fucking Tegan and my heart feels numb. I want to touch myself because this is the only time I’ll ever hear the girl from my dreams scream like this. I still feel weird admitting to myself that I enjoyed her touch in my dream. I sort of wish it weren’t a dream. I wish she could actually love me. I want to pretend that I’m the one making her feel as good as she does. It would never be me, though. _

_ \-- _

_ I touched myself for the second time today, thinking about my twin sister. I still have butterflies when I think of her face, her laughter, her eyes, her smile. Her everything. I am in tears as I write this, not wanting to confess this to myself or write it in words. But I have to say it. I’m in love with her. I love her. I am in love with her. No matter what way I say it, it’s wrong. _

_ I want to be everything for her. But I’m her sister. And it hurts so badly. _

Oh my god.

So I’m...in love with Tegan?

No...that was just a weird dream.

Does Tegan know any of this? She totally knows something. Mom’s making her hide something from me. What the fuck?

Okay, I wrote more. This one’s from a few days after that passage:

_ These are the words that I never thought I would write.  _

_ EVER.  _

_ Well, we’re in Verona. And Verona’s beautiful. We have a bit of time before our first show here. The weather’s really nice, too. Okay, I’m stalling. I’m totally stalling. I’m making small talk with my journal. Ugh, I can’t even begin to say this. I have butterflies that feel like they’re about to jump out of my throat. Is that normal? Okay I’ll just say it. _

_ I’m in love with Tegan. Did I say that already? Well, it was implied in my previous entry. I’m a little slow in catching up with my unconscious mind. Okay, so that’s a thing. You wanna know what else is a thing?  _

_ She knows. _

_ I couldn’t handle the first night in Verona. The feelings I had for her were tearing me up inside and she knew something was up with me. She always knows. So I left the hotel and just sat at the pier watching the waves come in. It was pitch black. _

_ It wasn’t long after that Tegan came to get me. I had no idea how she found me. I was sobbing so hard that I’m sure she thought I was crazy. She knew why I was acting strange because she read my journal. She read my fucking journal. Why do I even write in this thing, thinking it’s so confidential?  _

_ She kissed me and I have no words. She brought me back to our room and I couldn’t keep myself off of her. I still remember what her breath felt like on my neck and her mouth on my body. _

 

_ We didn’t go any further than kissing and touching. She didn’t let it. I wanted her so badly, though. _

 

_ But what about Lindsey and Stacy? _

 

I watched my teardrops hit the pages. Holy fuck. My heart was racing. Is this real? I nearly lost my shit reading the next passage:

 

_ Tegan made love to me last night. Holy shit. It was amazing. We spent all day in bed. I didn’t even get dressed, she pulled me onto the bed after I came out of the shower. So you can do the math how many hours (and orgasms) that was. Fuck. This is starting to get a little real, though. Jasper and Ted just got here. What if they heard? And for the love of god, what about Stacy and Lindsey? _

 

_ \-- _

 

_ Well, so much for worrying about Lindsey. She’s been cheating on Tegan with a fucking guy. I get it, I’m no saint either in this. In fact I’m a hypocrite. But seriously? _

 

_ \-- _

_ People are beginning to find out. Ted knows. Fuck. I don’t know what we’re going to do. This is all happening so fast. _

_ \-- _

 

_ Tegan bought sex toys. Personally, I didn’t think we needed any but I was willing to try new things with her. If she insists that sex could get even better, which seemed impossible, I was open. Not to mention a little terrified, since I had never used a strap-on before. She got other things, too. But I’m not gonna disclose all of that in here. Nope. Too indecent for your eyes, journal. I think we’re going to have sex on every piece of furniture by the time we leave Verona. This is insane. We need to get a hobby.  _

 

_ Back to reality. This is getting serious now. I’m hurting people. People who mean something to me. Well, more than something. A lot, actually. This is getting complicated. Stacy knows. She hates Tegan with a passion. She came all the way to Verona from LA because she knew something was up. She knew I was telling lies. I wasn’t getting my stories straight. That obviously ended our relationship. I had to choose between them. And of course my heart belongs to Tegan. _

 

_ This is getting so fucked up. _

 

_ \-- _

 

“What the fuck?” I bawled my eyes out as I read one last entry:

 

_ Lindsey. Stacy. They’re dead to me. Absolute worthless fucking pieces of shit. Apparently Stacy had still been here in Verona. We didn’t speak since she walked out of my hotel room the day she found out.  _

 

_ I told her to never speak to me again. _

 

_ Tegan was banging on my door this morning and it woke me up. She was hysterical when I let her in. She went down to the bar last night and Lindsey was there. She put something in her drink and brought her to her room. And Stacy was there. She did nothing to stop it. She just took advantage of Tegan, too. Lindsey sent me a video and I could hear her laughing hysterically. _

 

_ Tegan doesn’t deserve this. _

 

I rummaged through a ton of pages and looked for the most recent one. I wrote it about two weeks ago:

 

_ Things are finally falling into place and everything is going to be okay. I truly believe that. Lindsey’s gone. For good this time. She can’t come back to haunt us anymore. And even though Tegan and Stacy have a bit of beef, it’s not the end of the world. Especially with everything Tegan and I have been up against this past month. I’m just glad she’s alive and well.  _

 

_ Tegan and I are working out our trust issues and I know everything is going to be okay. Relationships take time. And for her, I have all the time in the world. She is my world and I’m beyond crazy about her. Our band knows and they’re okay with it; mom knows and she’s okay with it; the world knows and it didn’t end.  _

 

The world?!

 

_ We’ll figure everything out. We’re not giving up on each other. _

 

“Hey Sare, sorry I took so long,” Tegan burst into the room with my coffee as she stared down at her phone.

 

I was on the floor with my journal in hand. I was in an oversized shirt and took off my pajama bottoms as soon as I knew Tegan left in the morning. And remember that verge of a breakdown I was telling you about? Well, it’s finally here.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” The discomposed, frenetic tone in my voice got her attention immediately. Let alone the fact that I was screaming hysterically at her. “How could you keep this from me?!”

 

“Sare, Sare! Oh my god!” She booked it over to me and grabbed me, falling down to her knees.

 

I slammed my journal to the floor and buried my head into her, body shaking in uncontrollable upset.

 

“What did you read?”

 

“Everything!” I slammed my fists into her shoulders and she grabbed them. I was so shaken up right now and didn’t actually mean to physically hurt her. “I read enough to know that you’ve been lying to me!”

 

“I didn’t lie to you, Sara. I would never lie to you. Not in a million years. I didn’t know how to tell you this, though. Especially with mom letting you believe that you’re Stacy’s. That broke my heart, Sare.” Tegan said. “It really broke my fucking heart.”

 

“How could she be so cruel?” I screamed into Tegan’s chest.

 

“You don’t know how much I’ve hated her this past week,” she hugged me a little tighter now. “But she didn’t know what Stacy did.”

 

“That doesn’t even matter. It’s still wrong what she did. Why is she only thinking about herself? What about me, doesn’t she care about my feelings? What about yours?”

 

“I know. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t her place. She insisted that you’d have a healthier relationship with her,” she told me.

 

“She doesn’t know anything,” I shook my head against Tegan and she held me so tightly, brushing my bangs out of my face. “She’s so selfish.”

 

“We’ll talk about that later, Sare. She had her reasons; we really did push her limits. But it’s over and you’re safe. I’m just glad I’m with you. That’s all that’s important right now.”

 

I broke down and started crying, body writhing from taking all of this in.

 

“Hey,” Tegan lifted my chin up and breathed so sweetly. “Sare, look at me. It’s over now. You don’t know how happy I am that I don’t have to hide this from anymore. Can you please look at me?”

 

“I’m just so angry at mom.”

 

“So am I, Sare.”

 

I picked up Tegan’s phone that was laying on the ground next to her and started dialing mom’s number.

 

“What are you doing?” She asked.

 

“Calling her,” I spoke furiously as I slammed away at the numbers. “I think she ought to get a piece of my mind right now.”

 

Call.

 

“Hey, Sare. Wait,” she put her hand on the phone before I could put it to my ear. “Can you do that later?”

 

“Why?”

 

“I just wanna...I’ve missed you,” her eyes started to water as she reformed her words.

 

“Oh...okay.” As soon as I heard mom say hello, my thumb was already held on the  _ end call _ button.

 

She held my face and pressed her thumb against my cheeks, wiping away tears. I looked up at her and swallowed, trying to keep my composure and take steady breaths.

 

My heart continued to race a mile a minute even though I was done crying. She bit her lip as she looked at me and I was torn between staring at her mouth and her eyes. It was in that moment that I realized it was okay to touch her. We’re together. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to saying that. 

 

I’m sure I wasn’t even before.

 

I took a deep breath in and tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear, my fingertips lingering on her jaw and then to her bottom lip.

 

“I like when you bite your lip and look at me like that.”

 

She stopped and let out a smile. 

 

“So I’ve been told,” she massaged my jaw with the hand she dried my tears with.

 

I smiled back. “I guess you have a lot to catch me up on.”

 

“Guess so,” she winked at me.

 

I looked down and giggled innocently, biting my lip now as I made eye contact again. I just had to take her in. Our silence spoke volumes. My butterflies turned into nerves into giddiness. I felt safe. I felt comfortable.

 

Adrenaline rush.

 

My void was nonexistent and I felt completeness.

 

I couldn’t stop touching her. This felt both new, yet familiar to me. It was weird that she was okay with my touch, I had felt her skin like this before. I put my hands on the back of her neck and kept them there.

 

“This is okay, right? We do this without each other’s consent? It’s just assumed?” I sounded like a rambling loser, but of course I continued. “Does that mean I don’t have to ask if I want to kiss you? I can just kiss you then, right?”

 

Oh my god, Sara you idiot. Just shut up.

 

Her face was so close to mine. God, I’m nervous again.

 

She laughed sweetly and patient with me as I was figuring this all out. “That’s kind of what I’ve been waiting for.”

 

“Oh. Okay, um. Yeah. I’ll just stop talking now.”

 

I got up from sitting, raised my hips and kneeled into her, pressing my face to hers. She squeezed my cheeks as she cupped my jaw in her hands. This felt perfect. It felt right. I already couldn’t get enough of her. I leaned in further to kiss her lips and she grabbed my bare thighs, pushing me up against the wall as I straddled her.

 

“Oh my god, Tee. Oh my god,” I whimpered as she pressed her lips up against my neck. My cheeks felt flush and hands shaky as I gripped her hard. She was on her knees and she moved her hand higher up my thigh just before my underwear now.

 

I was overwhelmed with her affection and I could feel my face burning up, listening to my hitched breaths. My shirt draped off of my shoulder and Tegan kissed me softly there the second it did.

 

“Is this okay, Sare?”

 

I kept my legs wrapped around her as she put her hands respectfully on my waist, overtop of my shirt. She looked at me with so much care and concern in her eyes.

 

“Yes,” I choked on my breaths. “Mhm, this is okay,” I composed myself and put my hands on her shoulders. “I just have a lot of emotions going on right now. This is a lot for me to take in.” 

 

“I know,” she nodded understandably and brows furrowed, stuttering almost. “I know it is. It totally is a lot. We can stop and talk if you’d rather do something else--”

 

“No, no, no, it’s okay!” It’s like we both got nervous or something. “My mind’s just really cloudy right now. I pretty much just woke up and all. I didn’t expect any of this to be happening.”

 

“Did you want your coffee or someth--”

 

“No, no! It’s not that either. And it’s a lot in a good way, a really good way. Like,” I took a deep breath and I never seemed to be getting enough air. “Holy fuck.” 

 

She let out a small giggle at me. I was acting weird but she thought it was cute. 

 

“It’s like...this isn’t new to you. That’s so weird to me,” I explained.

 

She smiled at me and she looked so sexy. “Mhm. I know exactly what you like.”

 

I almost collapsed at her words. That made me weak. “Oh. You do.”

 

“Yep,” she took my hands in hers and played with my fingers. Kissing them one by one. “I know where you like to be kissed. I know how you like to be held. I know what turns you on…”

 

“Then I’m sure you can tell you’re killing me over here right now.”

 

“I can tell for a few reasons,” she made such sensual eye contact with me.

 

“Oh, well don’t you just know me so well.” I rolled my eyes playfully, keeping our flirting light.

 

“I mean, it’s not rocket science.”

 

“Hey!” I pushed her shoulders playfully, taking my hands out of her embrace.

 

“What? It’s true!” She grabbed my hands and caressed them again. “I’m just saying if you’re short of breath and I can already feel you on my thighs, I think I can confidently say you’re turned on right now.”

 

I gasped, embarrassed. “You can?” I lifted my hips and I could feel arousal between my thighs. After all, I was only wearing underwear. “Oh my god.”

 

“It’s okay, don’t be embarrassed.” She held my hips and pressed them back down on her thighs with a smile on her face. “My god, you’re so cute.”

 

“I don’t know if that’s what I was going for exactly.”

 

“Well,” she held me tight and pressed her lips to my cheek. “You’re beautiful. And breathtaking. And sexy. ” Her kisses trailed down to my chest and I unknowingly squeezed her biceps harder.

 

“Oh,” I breathed, at a loss of what else to say as she was sweet talking me. I was weak and all I could focus on was that she was making me feel that way.

 

And extremely wet.

 

“Mmm,” I hummed into her ear, letting her know that I wanted her to go further. Apparently she didn’t need me to tell her that, though. My instincts had me pushing my chest up against her mouth as she picked me up slightly to kiss me there.

 

“It’s okay, Sare. You can put your hands wherever you want on me.” 

 

I did as she told me, putting them a little higher than her ribs, close to her breasts. It was weird knowing I could put my hands there without her consent like this.

 

She picked me up and was standing now, keeping me pushed up against the wall as she held my bum. My centre was just above her hips now. God I had to change out of these panties.

 

“Can I take these off?”

 

I guess her idea was an option, too.

 

She fingered the material as if I didn’t know she was talking about getting me naked.

 

“Uh-huh,” I husked innocently in her ear, letting her put my feet on the ground.

 

She kissed my legs as she pulled my panties down to the floor, lingering at my hips and getting onto her knees.

 

Oh my god.

 

She looked up at me, and she had this look in her eyes. She wanted me and she didn’t care that I knew; she didn’t think twice like me. She slowly lifted my oversize shirt, just about exposing my hips.

 

She kept her eyes on me, waiting for my permission, to which I just grabbed her head and guided her there myself.

 

That was a bold move for me right now.

 

“Oh my god,” I let out a wide-mouth cry as I gripped her hair harder. Her hums sent a shock through my body. “Fuck.”

 

“Is this okay, Sare?” I tensed up my hips as she almost had my body collapsing with the way she flicked her tongue.

 

“Yeah,” my voice was an octave higher than usual.

 

My sister continued to kiss me indecently and I listened to her moans as she did. She was definitely no stranger to doing this to me because she knew all the places on my body to touch. I think she was giving herself as much pleasure as she was giving me by doing that.

 

She stood back up and softly kissed my ear, nibbling on it gently. She totally did that to tease me and give me a glimpse at what I’ve forgotten. I turned to her mouth and kissed her, biting her lip and pulling it as her body got tense. She lifted my shirt off and gawked at my breasts as they became exposed.

 

I undressed her now, starting with unbuttoning her grey flannel shirt and pulling off her leggings. She picked me up before I could take off her bra and panties and brought me to the oversized bed to make love to me.

 

“Tee, your arm!” She set me down on the bed and I trailed my fingers down her left arm that was bandaged up. “What happened?”

 

“It’s a long story,” she said. “Do you want me to tell you?”

 

“I guess not.”

 

“Good answer,” she smiled. “I guess you don’t mind your coffee getting cold either.”

 

“Nope.” I submitted. My eyes serious as I unclasped her bra. “Come here.”

 

My hands began to fumble as I worked to undress her. It was like we were having sex for the first time, at least in my head. This was all old news to her. I got her out of her bra and panties and she stood there, naked, in front of me.

 

“Wow,” I checked out her body and admired her. I pushed myself back a bit to give her space on the bed, enough that my ankles were hanging off the bed. She knelt up on the be as she hugged me. “I hope I never took you for granted when you were mine.”

 

Tegan laughed at me, maybe I sounded a bit naive. “You didn’t,” she smiled. “And I’m still yours.”

 

“Yeah?” I brushed my fingertips along her warm skin. “Wow,” I repeated the word. “How’d I get so lucky?”

 

Tegan giggled again and didn’t say anything else.

 

“Nice tattoo.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Well, that definitely settles it that you’re not making this all up,” I looked closer at the symbolism on her arm.

 

“You think I’m making this all up?” Tegan brushed my hair back and smiled.

 

“No, of course not.” I said as I held her wrist that was brushing my neck. “But I guess I know now how that strap-on made its way into my bag.”

 

“Guess so,” she agreed. “It all adds up now, huh? I’m sure you can understand why I didn’t tell you.”

 

“I do understand,” I was lost in her eyes and overwhelmed by everything. Rapture. “Wow. I’m nervous.”

 

“I can tell you are.”

 

“Why am I making small talk?” I was talking to myself as I squeezed her waist.

 

“I don’t know,” she smiled. She had a glimmer in her eye when she looked at me. Wow, she really loves me. “Is there anything on your mind?”

 

“Of course. My mind’s going a mile a minute and there’s so many things I want to ask you.”

 

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about anything?”

 

“I don’t.”

 

“Okay,” Tegan brushed her fingers along my neck and smiled. I was saying one thing and doing another. I know.

 

“So...you’re in love with me.”

 

“Very much so. It’s actually reciprocated.”

 

“That’s not hard to believe.”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“Guess you have to make me fall in love with you all over again,” I continued.

 

“Guess so,” she was patient with me as she smiled and my aimless rambling.

 

“Yeah, okay. I’ll just shut up again,” I killed the small talk and kissed her on the mouth. I lowered my hands to her hips and laid down on my back as I had her overtop of me.

 

“Finally, I thought I was going to have to shut you up myself.”

 

“Hey!” I played back at her. “And how were you going to do that?”

 

She had one hand beside my head holding her body overtop of me and the other caressing my mouth intensely. I had my legs bent and knees at her hips and I swear she could feel the heat searing off of my body as she played with my lips.

 

I opened my mouth and let her put her two digits inside, licking them from knuckle to tip. I began to prepare myself that they would be inside my pussy soon.

 

“Like this,” she husked as I felt up her chest to her arms and then held her wrist, sucking harder on her digits.

 

I noticed in that second that I had control; I could shove her hand down between my legs from my mouth if I wanted to. Fuck. Of course I want to. Her face was directly overtop of mine and she could so easily kiss me and fuck me in this position.

 

After all, her digits were soaked now, not that it mattered much because so was I. I wondered how many fingers she’s touched me with as I watched her slowly take them out of my mouth.

 

“Are you okay, Sare?” She checked in on me to make sure this wasn’t too much for me.

 

I nodded my head as I looked down where I wanted her hand to be. “Uh-huh,” I exhaled heavily, making eye contact as I wrapped my ankles around her shoulders and moved her hand.

 

She kissed my warm cheeks and spread me with her digits. I could feel just how wet I left them as she started to fuck me. She didn’t make me wait; she didn’t tease me; she wanted me and I wanted her. My moans were soft in her ear and I was at ease that no one else could hear us. I tend to be a little loud, but I guess that's old news to her, too.

 

My breaths deepened once she was fully inside me and began to pulsate. She knew exactly what she was doing and she was clearly no stranger to my body.

 

“Oh Tegan,” I breathed in her ear when she stroked my g-spot. “Oh my god.”

 

My fingers met her lips and I pulled them close to mine. Her moans and hums in my mouth turned me on even more. The pleasure she gave me just about had me pushed over the edge. She ran her tongue along my lips and into my mouth. I couldn’t take my lips off of her or her body off of mine. I felt inseparable from her and I felt so much passion being so close to her.

 

I could feel my body tense up as she added another finger, digging my nails into her back. She didn’t seem to care, but just continued to curse and gawk at the overwhelmed and elated expressions on my face. 

 

“I can’t keep my eyes off of you, Sara. You’re so beautiful,” she caressed my skin and newly-swollen lips.

 

I nodded my head and didn’t bother forming words because all I had at the tip of my tongue was ‘fuck.’ I was breathing hard now and shaking as my water-filled eyes locked with hers. My back arched with every thrust she made and I swore my vision was going to go black at any moment.

 

“Holy fuck, Sara,” Tegan choked as she kissed my neck and bit my shoulder. She could feel me constricting around her fingers.

 

“Fuck fuck fuck! I’m gonna come, I’m gonna--” I trailed off as I couldn’t handle her pressure anymore and continued to curse and scream her name again.

 

I started to gush all over her and tried to hold back once I noticed what I was doing. But I couldn’t stop my body from shaking and jerking uncontrollably, especially when she hadn’t stopped fingering me yet.

 

With the last bit of might I had left, I gripped onto Tegan’s forearm and shoved her hand away because I couldn’t handle any more of her. Holy fuck. I was orgasming so fucking hard and she was still fucking me. She finally listened and watched me twitch as I squirted on her.

 

“Holy fuck, Tee. Oh my god,” I cursed while she squeezed my hand as I rode out my orgasm. “It feels so fucking good.”

 

She kissed my cheeks until I calmed down and massaged her fingertips through my hair as I laid my head down on the mattress. I could tell she wanted to tell me she loved me, but something was stopping her. Maybe because it’s even crazy that I had sex with her right now, and I wouldn’t be likely to reciprocate the words back to her, even though I feel it.

 

I can’t wait to fall in love with her again. I know that I love her, of course I do. But to see why it is that I fell  _ in  _ love with her will be quite an adventure.

 

Without saying a word, I lifted her hips and pulled her up to my face. I wanted to make her feel the euphoria that she gave me. I spread her legs so she was sitting right on top of me and I could already taste her when I licked her thighs. 

 

Her body already had some of my arousal on her. Well, a lot. We were definitely going to have to shower after this. And get these sheets cleaned. I grabbed her hips and rolled my tongue along her clit, to which she pulled my hair and softly cried out. Her breaths hitched as she rolled her eyes back and I couldn’t help but watch her.

 

My sister continued to moan when I pressed her down on my face and made her grind against my tongue. I had my hands on her ass and spread her a bit more. I could barely breathe, but I didn’t notice until I was almost suffocating. 

 

“Holy fuck,” she bit her lip and choked out as I hummed in pleasure against her pussy. She tried to lift her hips but I didn’t let her. I’m going to make her squirt all over me.

 

She collapsed her hands onto the bed just above my head and she was on all fours. I sucked her clit until I felt her body twitch and moved my hands up to her waist. Her whole body flush and skin prickling, I lifted her up and shoved her down so I could give attention to her breasts now. My kisses trailed from between her hips to her ribs to her nipples. I wondered if she was as sensitive there as I was.

 

I ran my tongue along the outlines of her breasts and finally to her nipples, rolling my fingers along them. Her body went taut and I could tell by her body language that this felt good for her. That’s all my focus was on right now.

 

My face finally met hers when I continued my kisses up to her collarbones to her shoulders to her soft lips. I don’t think I’ll get enough of kissing them, let alone her entire body. I didn’t ever want to stop learning her, physically and spiritually and everything in between.

 

Our hands interlocked, chest and bodies pressed against each other, and I could feel the heat searing off of her and I. I raked my nails through her hair and smiled at her. She looked intoxicated, breathless, as she smiled back and I melted at the way that she looked at me. 

 

Was I that quick to fall for her again?

 

I flipped my sister over and was between her legs again. I took my time caressing her thighs and kissed her calves up to her ankles, listening to her soft moans. She watched me so sweetly and I could see so much emotion on her face.

 

She’s so in love with me. That wasn’t hard to see. It was plastered all over her face. And her body language. She trusted me with her and her walls were down. And fuck, I’m so in love with her, too. This isn’t usual for me, but I was even crazy for her before. I could tell just by the way I wrote about her in my journal.

 

She was completely at ease now, too. The past week and a bit, she has been so standoffish and disconnected from me. Of course if I was in her shoes I would have been the same. It’s like she could just, be, now and a huge weight had been lifted. She was able to be herself and she was letting me into her and all of her.

 

I want her to tell me everything about us. I want to know everything.

 

Fuck. My heart feels like it wants to burst out of my chest. I wanted to tell her I’m in love with her, but I didn’t even know what that meant right now. I just felt drawn to her.

 

Our love is magnetic.

 

“Turn around, baby.” I sunk my hands to the insides of her knees and flipped her again so she was on her stomach. I laid overtop of her body and kissed her trembling lips one last time, brushing my fingertips along the silhouette of her body as I kissed every inch of her skin. 

 

Starting with her neck, just where her shoulders begin. Every vertebra on her spine. The small of her back. I didn’t leave any part of her body untouched and could feel her skin getting goosebumps. 

 

I lifted her hips slightly so that they were off the bed and she held herself up by her forearms. I kissed the insides of her thighs until my mouth met her opening. I delved my tongue into her pussy and could feel the electricity shoot through her core. She pressed her face harder into the sheets and muffled her screams.

 

I was a bit taken aback that she was just as loud as me, even with muted cries. Maybe a little less as not as shrill as me, but her vocalising really got me off. I didn’t know how she liked to be touched, either. I’d have to relearn her all over again and listen to her body. I hadn’t been wrong yet, thankfully.

 

She was dripping with arousal and she tasted so good. Her sex was probably all over my face now. My hands were gripping her ass the whole time and keeping her spread so I could go deep inside her, which she liked by the sound of her moans. I rubbed her thighs and spanked her somewhat lightly to see if she was into it.

 

Tegan shot her head up and let out a high-pitched, pleasured cry.

 

I pushed her face back down and kissed the side of her body, my other hand tracing back between her legs. I kept one hand on her neck and was rough with her as I circled her clit. Her back arched and body jerked, sobbing out harder. I trailed my fingers up to her entrance and dipped two fingers inside. 

 

“Fuck, fuck, oh my fucking god.” She cursed out and tried to pull away from me, but I kept my hand on her shoulders so she couldn’t. 

 

“Oh my god, Tee.” I gawked at her body with the position she was in as she collapsed her hips almost fully. “We have a safe word, right?”

 

“Mhm,” I heard her vocalise faintly through the sheets and her cries.

 

“What is it?” I asked as I thrusted into her pussy in a quick, steady rhythm.

 

“It’s okay, it’s okay. Just keep going,” her breaths hitched.

 

I cupped her neck around my grip and started to squeeze. “Is this okay?”

 

“Ugh, fuck, holy shit,” she cried as she nodded with minimal range of motion.

 

I pressed my fingertips across the arteries of her neck until she screamed and shut my eyes. I felt as much bliss as she did right now as I slammed my digits harder into her pussy.

 

“I love you, baby. I love you so much,” I whispered to myself as I watched her ride out one orgasm in rapture. I flipped her around so I could hit her g-spot. She looked breathless as she watched me, anxious and impatient as to what I was going to do to her next.

 

She bit her lip as if she was about to swear and curse, but didn’t. I pulled at her lip with the digits that I just had inside her. She licked her sex off of them and kissed my wrist. I could get addicted to making love to her with the way she made eyes at me whenever she was aroused.

 

Tegan’s body jolted slightly when she felt me try to touch her again. But I knew she could keep going. “I don’t think you’re done yet, baby. Just say the word if it’s too much.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“What is the word?” I asked as I gently massaged circles around her opening. 

 

“Red.”

 

I don’t know how but the word sounded familiar to me. Maybe things would come back to me.

 

“Have we used it in the past?”

 

“No,” she looked at me seriously. Emotions were gone from her face, body weak from her first orgasm.

 

I smiled slightly at her response. Her forehead was covered and sweat, along with her entire body. I just wanted her all over me, though.

 

She opened her legs, almost reluctantly, and I started with my middle finger. I had my other hand just below her breasts as she squeezed it. Her threshold wasn’t going to be so high this time, so I knew she wasn’t going to need much to be pushed over the edge. I added my ring finger, picking up my speed a bit and stroked her g-spot until she was fumbling and moaning uncontrollably.

 

The hand that I had on her chest was pulling at her lips now and cupping her face. She stared at me hard with eyes glazed over, mouth open. Her walls were tightening around my fingers now so I sped up m rhythm and slapped her across the face, earning a submissive shriek from her.

 

“Oh!” She cried and I slapped her again, a little harder this time. She was pulling at my waist and her body grew frantic, beginning to fumble uncontrollably. The palm of my hand pounding against her pussy with every thrust was all that filled my ears, along with her tormented cries. “Sare. Fuck, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come. Oh my fucking god,” she choked out.

 

Her back arched and she pushed her ribs up, hand death-gripped on my wrist as I choked her and watched her ride out her second orgasm. I tapped my thumb against her swollen clit and she started to gush all over me, screaming uncontrollably.

 

Tegan’s body spasmed in front of me as she let everything go. Both of my hands were focused in between her legs now. I pressed my mouth gently overtop of her clit, not enough to hurt her with how sensitive her body was right now. But enough to feel her arousal pulsing out of her as she squirted. Tegan kept her fingers tangled through my hair as her body shook and twitched against me.

 

Once her body stopped, I lifted myself up and into her arms. She was still incredibly sensitive and we were covered in each other’s sweat and arousal. I couldn’t tell whose was whose anymore. Holy shit, we both need a hot shower.

 

I kissed her hot cheeks and buried my face underneath her chin as she squeezed me tight.

 

“Fuck. That was…” Tegan trailed off and still tried to regain her breath.

 

“Mhm,” I agreed. “I still haven’t kissed you enough.”

 

“So that wasn’t weird for you?” She asked.

 

“No, actually. I didn’t expect that to happen, though.”

 

“Me, neither. Not at all,” she breathed.

 

“I guess it just felt right,” I looked up at her as I laid my hand on her chest.

 

“I’m glad, Sare,” she replied. “I really didn’t know what you were thinking when you found out.”

 

“Well, neither did I. I was just scared of all of these emotions.”

 

“I thought you were going to be repulsed by me,” she opened up.

 

“I guess that would have been possible. But I fell for you first, or so I read. I thought you were going to be repulsed by me, too.” 

 

“Well, it’s been a wild ride so far, that’s for sure.”

 

“I want to know everything, Tee.”

 

“And I want to tell you everything,” she reciprocated and kissed my forehead. “Let’s get cleaned up and I’ll tell you everything over lunch. And there’s so much of Rome I know you would love to see.”

 

“Okay,” I smiled and got up. “Oh someone’s been calling you.” I looked at Tegan’s phone on the ground that read  _ seven missed calls. _

 

“It’s from mom,” my angry emotions came flooding back in. “It’s probably because I called a while ago.”

 

Tegan got up out of bed looking for our clothes, hearing what I said but not saying much. I don’t think she wanted to deal with it right now.

 

“She’s calling again,” I saw Tegan’s phone light up as I held it. It was on silent so we never heard it.

 

“Don’t answer, Sare. Not when you’re this angry at her,” Tegan came rushing over to me.

 

I accidentally picked up, not really listening to her.

 

I listened on the other end, not saying a word and waiting for her to talk.

 

“Tegan? Are you there, sweetie?”

 

“It’s Sara,” I spoke in an angry monotone.

 

“Oh, hi baby. It’s so great to hear your voice. How are you?”

 

I couldn’t take anything she was saying seriously, it was all a facade.

 

“Right. You can cut all of the bullshit, mom. Oh, and I’m doing just great, but of course you don’t actually care about my feelings.” The wrath was searing off of my lips.

 

“Honey, what are you talking about?”

 

“I broke up with Stacy. Do you wanna take a guess why?”

 

Silence on the other end. I could hear her trying to form explanations.

 

“Sweetie…”

 

“Oh, and dad called. He told me everything else you were hiding from me.”

 

I heard a sigh on the other end. 

 

“What are you doing, Sara?” She asked, deflecting the subject.

 

“Oh, you wanna know what I’m doing?” I was extremely shaken up that she would dare change the subject and Tegan was staring at me, hoping to god I wouldn’t say anything stupid that I’d regret.

 

“I was just fucking your daughter.”


	75. Paramour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on tumblr! guiltyascharged-x (yes I changed it) I love messages!
> 
> TW for the end bit if you're not into freaky shit, lol. But actually, very slight "physical abuse"

**Tegan**

 

My jaw dropped the second she said that to mom. I had no words and my body completely froze.

 

I wasn’t embarrassed; we were way past that with mom now. The Sara I knew pre-concussion wouldn’t have dared said those words to her; remember how upset she was when mom found out at the cottage?

 

Or the time when she saw the marks on Sara’s neck when she drove us back home?

 

But there were no shits given since she answered the phone whatsoever.

 

What mom said to her in response I do not know, nor do I want to know. I was still in disbelief, why did Sara have to bring _me_ into this? Whatever mom did say, Sara was more furious now. And I saw her sit up a little straighter and take a deep breath, ready to spit something else at her over the phone.

 

But she had said enough.

 

I darted over to Sara and snatched my phone from her, I didn’t care about how she was going to take that. I was doing her a favour.

 

“Alright, so clearly Sara is a little angry right now and I’m thinking we should give her some time to cool off. Does that sound good to you, too, mom? Okay, great. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Bye.”

 

And then I just hung up. No chance for her to talk.

 

I really didn’t want to hear mom’s voice after what Sara had said. Okay, maybe I am a little embarrassed. What the fuck was she thinking saying that to her?!

 

I put my phone in my pocket and gave her the most wide-eyed, death stare I could get my face to express.

 

Sara looked at me and then looked around like I was exaggerating. She didn’t get it, but then again this was new information to her. I remember how upset I was in the hospital room when mom told me to keep my mouth shut about Sara and I.

 

“Too much?”

 

“Yeah,” I raised my brows and responded so unimpressed.

 

“Sorry. My blood is just boiling right now.”

 

“Yeah. I get that. You’re allowed to be mad,” I said.

 

“Furious.”

 

“That, too. But really, Sare? ‘I was just fucking your daughter’?” I said, appalled and flabbergasted.

 

“Okay, maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

Maybe?

 

“Well now you know what I was going through, how angry and upset I was; I had to watch you with Stacy all that time. And it was all mom’s fault.”

 

“You should have said something, Tee.”

 

“Like what? ‘Hey sis, Stacy’s old news. Yeah, that girl you’ve been with for two years? It’s done. You’ve actually been sleeping around with me since we left for Europe’?”

 

“Well, we haven’t just been _sleeping around,_ ” she used air quotations and completely missed what I meant. Perhaps she was offended by my terminology.

 

“That’s not the point, Sare! Please don’t get mad at me for not telling you. Do you know how trapped I felt?”

 

“I would have believed you, Tee.”

 

“You can’t be certain about that.”

 

“Trust me. I would have.”

 

I ignored her being way too sure of herself. That was a load of bullshit. I couldn’t have just dropped that on her. “You gonna shower?”

 

“Mhm,” she spoke with a snide glare in her eyes. She knew I was angry and shaken up by her words, but she didn’t seem to care much. “You gonna join me or are you just gonna sit there and sulk?”

 

I let out a sigh and rolled my eyes, “I’m coming.”

 

We got cleaned up and I didn’t talk much. I guess I know why, but I didn’t expect myself to be that upset at her comment. _I could have told her?_ Pfft. Yeah, right. She had a lot of nerve to say that to me. Does she know how torturous this past week has been?

 

Sara pretty well just ignored it and had this stupid smirk on her stupid face every time she looked at me. I didn’t make much eye contact with her.

 

We went to this Italian bakery and grabbed some lunch to bring outside to eat somewhere. Sara loved the idea of picnics ever since she was a little girl. She bought a huge white and red checkered picnic blanket along with a basket from the bakery.

 

I lead the way to a park that I passed through earlier this morning that I thought Sara would like. Her excitement was plastered on her face again, grinning from ear to ear because she didn’t remember the last time she’s had a picnic.

 

She set out the blanket and sat herself down, pulling out the baked goods from the basket and passing me some, to which I barely acknowledged her for.

 

“I know you’re mad at me,” she smiled with a taunt in her voice.

 

“That’s swell. Congratulations.”

 

“Come on, Tee! Stop being an asshole.” She whacked my shoulder with a fancy-ass baguette she got from the bakery. “Can’t you just be happy we’re together again? Besides, there was a reason for saying what I said back at the penthouse.”

 

“Oh yeah? What is it?” I still wasn’t impressed, just about raising my voice at her.

 

She had been blushing at me for the past five minutes and I had just realized now once I took a good look at her. Holy fuck, she’s so beautiful. She dressed up really nice just for me and I didn’t even look up to notice it until now.

 

She’s breathtaking.

 

God.

 

“I had been fantasizing about you all week.”

 

“What?” I choked.

 

“Mhm, since the morning after I woke up from my accident.”

 

“Don’t fuck with me.”

 

“I’m not fucking with you,” she giggled.

 

“You’re being serious?”

 

“I am.”

 

I didn’t know what to say to her. Her smile grew even bigger as she pulled apart a bit of that stupid baguette she still had in her hand and put it in her mouth.

 

“Will you stop smiling?” Her expression was annoying me and I wanted her to start explaining.

 

“I can’t! You’re just so cute. This is all still very surreal to me. Wow, you don’t want me to be angry _or_ happy, huh?” She was referring to earlier at the hotel when she started going off on mom. “Can you just make up your mind or are you gonna get mad at everything?”

 

She hit me again and I grabbed the bread from her.

 

“Hit me with that thing one more time and I swear to god, Sara.”

 

“You ‘swear to god Sara’ what?” She inched her face closer to me as she mocked my empty threat.

 

“You’re so annoying. You know that, right?”

 

Sara was overly entertained by my bothersome and I was overwhelmed by her. She’s cute and adorable, even when she’s trying to bug me.

 

“Oh I know,” she kissed me on the cheek hard enough to move my head and I pushed her shoulders away from me.

 

Her incessant giggling finally came to an end and she kept her hand lingering on my leg. Face serious now.

 

“I just can’t believe that you love me.”

 

Her eyes were locked with mine and she meant what she said so purely. I missed the way she used to look at me like that, when she was my girl. A tear birthed from my eye and I tried not to make it too obvious. But who was I kidding? She was close enough to me to see it on my face.

 

I didn’t want to start crying so I let out a small laugh and smiled as my hand met hers. “I do love you. I love you very much. And I don’t care how long it takes for you to fall in love with me again. I just want to get back to where we left off.”

 

Sara brought her fingers up to my cheek and dabbed the tears falling from my face. “Okay,” she pursed her lips and smiled.

 

“Remember the morning after we drank all those tequila shots, when I found out about Stacy lying to me?” Sara continued.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you remember anything waking up that morning?”

 

“No.”

 

“Nothing, huh? Did you have any dreams or anything?” She prodded.

 

“I’ve dreamt of you every night since your accident,” my face was serious.

 

“Oh,” Sara said as she put her hand to her chest, her expression melting. “Well, you had your hands all over me when I woke up that morning. And you were talking in your sleep.”

 

Oh god.

 

“Where?” I shut my eyes and really didn’t want to know. I totally remember doing that, but was hoping I was just dreaming it.

 

Well, not really. But you know.

 

“My chest.”

 

“Oh my god,” I put my palm to my face.

 

“Well...I didn’t want to move your hand,” she admitted. “I liked it...and it scared me.”

 

I opened my eyes and  appreciated her being extremely vulnerable with me. She was so sweet and reserved right now. This was going to be a long conversation, I could already tell. We have so much ground to cover.

 

“When you first had that dream about us back in June, you know, the one that started this all, you just about went crazy. So that’s definitely some progress on your behalf.”

 

“Yeah, I guess so. I guess this one I didn’t overlook too much. I just brushed it off. Maybe I got really intense feelings for you last time and that’s what scared me so much,” she tried to justify it.

 

“Pfft, yeah. You totally don’t have really intense feelings for me this time,” I waved my hand and rolled my eyes. My insecure self came out and prayed to god she would correct me.

 

“Oh, _definitely_ not,” she blushed as she smiled at me. “It’ll probably take you forever to get me to fall back in love with you,” she joked.

 

“Probably,” I winked at her.

 

Her cheeks were still flush and she looked away now, playing with her hair and acting as if she had just seen something in the distance.

 

“So then how was that kiss for you?” I was referring to the dare that Colin insisted on her and I doing.

 

“Don’t even get me started,” she stared out at the clouds and held her knees in. “I didn’t want it to end. I started to get a little more creeped out at myself as the week went on. I decided to keep that detail private.”

 

“I wonder if Colin knew you’d react that way. Maybe he’s not as big of an asshole as I thought,” I was borderline talking to myself, thinking about his logic for daring us to kiss..

 

“So they all knew, didn’t they? That’s what he meant by ‘I’ve seen this before’ when you guys got all quiet and weird.”

 

She didn’t even need me to confirm that.

 

“Yeah, they knew. I’m sorry, Sare. They didn’t want to get involved in our business,” I justified for them knowing and not telling her. “Minus the dare.”

 

“Well, Colin was trying to get me to remember some old feelings, that’s for sure.”

 

“I’ll thank him when I see him,” I had a small smile on my face as I joked to my sister.

 

“Okay,” she smiled back and giggled quietly, like I was some sort of loser.

 

I rolled the spaghetti with my spoon and fork and popped it into my mouth and Sara did the same with her food. She was in thought about something as we spent time in each other’s silence.

 

“So do _I_ have any new tattoos that I should know about that are related to us?”

 

I laughed. “No, Sare. You don’t have to worry about that.”

 

“Was mom ever supportive of us?”

 

“Well, she was, but she sort of stopped when she noticed us fighting a lot. Oh, and when she found out I was part of the reason you fainted that day.”

 

“What?” Sara gasped. I didn’t know which part to address first.

 

“Yeah, the doctor came out to talk to her and said your oxygen was low. She caught on that it was because I choked you and obviously we were having sex in her house when she was gone...which she forbid us from doing.”

 

“Oh my god that is so fucked up.”

 

“You should have seen her face. I wanted to die,” I debriefed.

 

“Wait, we were fighting a lot?” Sara asked, “I think I read something about that in my journal.”

 

“I started getting a lot of trust issues, Sare. And I became so jealous, it was horrible.”

 

“Why?”

 

I decided not to tell her about all of the possession and rape that went on. It wasn’t worth it. Not right now at least.

 

“We all knew that Stacy still had feelings for you, but you and her had lunch together the other day last week. I wasn’t okay with it. And I was being really overbearing and clingy and controlling, but I just didn’t want you to go. And you came back and I could tell there was something you didn’t want to tell me. You told me she tried to kiss you and I totally lost it on her.”

 

“She did?” Sara was surprised that she would do that.

 

“Stacy and I have gotten into so many physical fights, Sare. She insisted that it was an old habit, her kissing you. Pfft, whatever. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard,” I scoffed.

 

“And our fans know?” I wondered when she was going to ask that one.

 

“Yeah, they do. Long story there, but yes. A photo leaked out to the public so we decided to address it at a show. We said that we weren’t going to speak further about it other than that we’re happy together. We said we wanted to keep it private and the fans are pretty respectful.”

 

“So that’s why you took me off of our social media accounts,” she caught on.

 

“Yeah, I didn’t want you to get overwhelmed while you were getting better.”

 

“Or for me to find out about us,” she corrected.

 

“That, too.”

 

“You really didn’t think I’d reciprocate feelings again.”

 

“I guess I just panicked. I was heartbroken.”

 

“I get it. I suppose I won’t tell you that you could’ve just told me in the first place because I know how mad you get,” she nudged me.

 

“Yeah.” It was still unsettling to think about. Maybe I would have done it differently if I had a second chance.

 

“Do we have sex a lot?” She asked out of the blue and like it was a completely normal question.

 

Her question threw me off because of how sudden it was. Her curiosity was pretty cute and her face remained serious. I guess she really did want to know.

 

“Define a lot,” I counteracted her question with one of my own.

 

“I don’t know,” she thought about it for a moment. “Once, maybe twice a week?”

 

“You think that’s a lot?”

 

“Yeah. Why, what do you think is?”

 

“Not that.”

 

Sara laughed and shoved me playfully. “Tee! Just answer my first question!”

 

“Well, if that’s what you think ‘a lot’ is. Yeah we do.”

 

“But like, _more_ than that?”

 

“Way more,” I filled her in. “Like daily.”

 

“Every day?!”

 

“Sometimes twice,” I added because her shocked response was cute.

 

“Twice a day?!”

 

“Mhm. Are you really surprised?”

 

“Wow, I’m gonna have to start pushing you off of me.”

 

“More like you’re gonna have to stop throwing yourself at me.”

 

“Uh-huh,” she raised her eyebrows in an unimpressed manner. “And the strap-on, then...” she paused before continuing “...you use it on me?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“Do I use it on you?”

 

“Sometimes.”

 

“You know I’ve never used one before--”

 

“I know, you told me that the first time I told you I wanted to use it on you. You were nervous,” I brushed the back of her hand and smiled at her.

 

“Yeah. Sounds like me.”

 

I snickered at her reserved manner as we talked about our sex life. “You like it though.”

 

“Oh. I guess you’ll have to help me remember,” she flashed me a timid smile and she was beyond adorable. It took a lot for me not to tell her how much I loved her every time we made eye contact.

 

“Guess so.”

 

She began to blush and looked away to hide her smile from me. I hoped she had butterflies, too. Because I definitely did.

 

“So tell me, Tee; how did I get this stupid concussion anyway?”

 

“I’m so tempted to give you the long version. It’s not pretty.”

 

“How bad is it?”

 

“It was just a mess because of what mom had to go through with us. Again. We promised her that we wouldn’t do anything under her roof, since she caught us having sex in her car while we were at the cottage.”

 

“Oh my _god_. I read that in my journal and I was hoping to god that wasn’t true.”

 

“Oh. It was definitely true. It was the night Lindsey died.”

 

“What the fuck possessed us to have sex after Lindsey died, were we not just watching her get murdered by Colin?”

 

“Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up, but in our defense there was a lot of sexual tension between us. She made you break up with me, so you didn’t give a shit about her.”

 

“There’s so much I don’t remember, oh my god. Tee, you have to tell me everything,” her voice was laced with fear and vulnerability.

 

“Yeah, there was a lot of things like that trying to break us apart. You hated that a lot. Obviously. It got really hard on me and that’s why I developed so much jealousy and insecurity.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Tee.”

 

“It was never your fault, Sare.”

 

“What else?”

 

“Emy, Stacy, trying to get you back.”

 

“Emy?”

 

“Yep, Emy.”

 

She had a baffled look on her face. It’s as if she was mentally replaying their interactions since she woke up from her coma, analyzing every word that she shared with Emy.

 

“She was harmless,” I interrupted her thoughts. “As soon as you told her about me she backed away. She just wants you to be happy.”

 

“Yep. That sounds like her,” Sara put her hand to her chest, right at her heart. I could see in her expression just how grateful she was to have someone like Emy in her life, especially after a breakup. “Wow. She still loves me.”

 

“Why, you still love her or something?” I got defensive.

 

“No you idiot, I have you!” She was taken out of her place of gratitude to give me a reassuring shove, almost knocking me over.

 

“Well, thanks for clearing that one up, Sare.” I spoke sarcastically, rubbing my shoulder.

 

“Don’t mention it. So, the concussion…”

 

“Oh, right!” This story was going to be so all over the place; I had no idea where to begin. “So, we were in Berlin for a show and you were just having a really bad day and needed some mental clarity, so mom convinced you to come home for a bit.”

 

“Why was I having a bad day? Why did I need mental clarity?”

 

I ignored her question and she just smirked, but I also didn’t want her to know about Stacy’s possession right now. Or the night she raped her, which attributed to a lot of her mental instability that day. That part was too overwhelming to tell at any time.

 

“So Colin brought us back home to visit mom, and the second we got there we were already fighting. Well, _still_ fighting. We weren’t even through the front door yet and we were screaming at each other at the top of our lungs out on the driveway. You had lunch with Stacy that day and that’s when she tried to kiss you. And my jealousy was at an all-time high; I spent the whole car ride after the flight there just looking through your text messages with her. You were so angry at me. And I kept saying how you knew she was going to try something and you should just leave me for her already, since that’s what you wanted to do once this got hard. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.

 

“Of course, mom separated us that night. I went to stay downstairs and you were upstairs--at least until mom went to sleep, or so you thought. That’s when you saw that I cut my arm, which I did that morning before you went to see Stacy by the way. And I’m sorry. It was just because of my stupid insecurity, because I didn’t trust Stacy. And I thought you were in love with her and wanted to leave me for her. Stupid brain. So that’s how I got this,” I pulled up my sleeve and exposed my slowly healing slits.

 

“So obviously mom had clients the next day and we were at home by ourselves. There was a lot of tension between us, and not the good kind, so I think she felt confident leaving us at home and trusted that we wouldn’t go against her wish that we didn’t do anything under her roof ever again. But...we went against it, it just happened. We went to your room and we had sex, and it was the product of being so angry with each other. So you can imagine how that went; you made me choke you and I swear you were about to pass out. Remember that detail for later.

 

“Then we heard mom come in the front door and we panicked. I panicked and put the dildo in your suitcase...so that should answer your other burning question as to how it got there. Then mom left again and everything was normal all day. We were back to normal for the most part and it was because of that make up sex. You were fine and we were just playing video games.

 

“Nothing was wrong until that evening. Me, you and mom just spent the night in the living room watching a movie. You were quiet, but I didn’t suspect anything, and I don’t think you did either. But you got up suddenly to get some water, then you came back and you just fainted. You hit your head on the coffee table. So then the ambulance came and you didn’t wake up”

 

“So you’re saying I was either going to pass out then or while we were having sex?”

 

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

 

“Oh my god.”

 

“And that’s why mom didn’t let me tell you about us when you woke up in the hospital that day. And she saw my arm and how we just about murdered each other right before we got into her house.”

 

“Oh my god, Tee! How did we make such a mess of this? Don’t ever do something stupid like that to your arm again! Please just communicate whatever is on your mind with me.” She looked into my eyes and kissed my wrist that had the cuts on it. “So Stacy tried to kiss me, and then had the nerve to pretend she was still my girlfriend after my coma?”

 

“Yeah. I can’t believe she would do that; she kinda hated me after you told me she tried to kiss you that day. We got into a fight and you were really upset with me, but she pretty much hated me after that. I think she partially went along with being your girlfriend just to spite me...and of course she’s still in love with you.”

 

Sara didn’t say a word, but she heard everything I said. Of course. I think she was really upset with what Stacy did and couldn’t get over it. And I completely understand why.

 

“I can’t believe she would lie to me like that,” she said softly under her breath.

 

“I’m sorry, Sare.”

 

She looked down at the ground, eyes focused on the patterned picnic blanket and shaking her head.

 

“Don’t be,” she snapped out of her gaze and pressed her lips together. “Despite how shaken up I was this morning, it was a nice surprise to find out that I’m actually yours. ‘A nice surprise’ is putting it lightly.”

 

Her comment just about made me blush, so I smiled and broke eye contact with her.

 

“If only I had known when I woke up that morning,” it’s as if she said that to herself and she was deep in thought again.

 

I looked at her, face serious. “I wish I had the guts to say something then,” I started to beat myself up again. “My fear of how you’d react wasn’t worth Stacy taking advantage of you like that.”

 

“That’s really sweet of you to say, Tee. I appreciate you. I know I may be old news to you by now, but I look forward to learning you again and what the future brings for us.”

 

“You’ll never be old news to me,” I smiled. “I’m crazy about you. And I’ll never be done learning you.”

 

She blushed and worked hard to keep eye contact. I know she got nervous and wanted to look away.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay?” I teased her, making sure she understood and playing around with her discomfort.

 

“So you’ll never get bored of me, huh?” She was reluctant to ask what was a bold question in her eyes, patiently awaiting the answer.

 

“Yeah, right.” I chuckled, “Rome is beautiful and all but I’m just sitting here, looking at you and wondering, ‘when are we going back to the hotel? I just wanna kiss her for hours.’”

 

She blushed harder as she shut her eyes and I brushed my fingers along her thigh.

 

“I wouldn’t stop you.”

 

“Oh yeah? What else wouldn’t you stop me from doing?” I lowered my voice to sultry in an instant and let me hand linger.

 

She gave me a sensual glare that melted my heart. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She did things to me every time she flirted like that.

 

“Yeah. I would, actually.”

 

She looked away purposely, trying to keep me in suspense like always does and keep me guessing. I suppose I didn’t mind. It kind of made me crazy as fuck about her.

 

“Guess I’ll have to press my luck tonight, then.”

 

She let out a cute giggle and I could see her giddy smile through her bangs that hid her face as she turned away and packed her things.

 

“Guess so.”

 

“You’re adorable, Sare.” I gave her a quick kiss on the lips, not sure what she would be okay with in public. She kissed me a second time and longer than mine.

 

She gave me butterflies.

 

“Thank you.”

 

I looked at my phone and realized hours had passed that we had been sitting on this picnic blanket for. Today must have been a really exhausting day for Sara, mentally.

 

“So, what do you say we call it a day out here and go back to the penthouse? I’m sure you’re totally drained from today.”

 

“How about I meet you there?” She almost stuttered before she compiled her full sentence, almost getting weird. Maybe I was overthinking it. “I’m just gonna walk around and clear my head a bit.”

 

Ugh, stupid brain. She wants some time alone to process everything. Yeah, I get it. It’s fine.

 

“I’ll meet you back there in like two hours or so. Is that alright?”

 

“Yeah,” I overanalyzed her words. “Yeah, of course it’s alright, Sare. Do what you need to do. Take as long as you need.”

 

“Thanks for filling me in on everything I’ve missed out on, Tee. I’ll see you soon. Don’t miss me too much.” She kissed me on the lips again and pressed her hand to my chest, smiling.

 

She looked back for a second and smiled and I watched her disappear. I messed up already, Sare. I missed you the moment you walked away.

 

“I love you,” I breathed as I turned the other direction and headed back to the hotel.

 

It took me about twenty minutes to get back. Maybe I needed some time along to process everything, too. Or maybe I was totally lying to myself by just thinking that. Who am I kidding? I want her to come back now so I can be with her. I just want to spend all night making love to her.

 

My mind became extremely cloudy just thinking about it as I opened the door and sat on the bar stool by the island in the kitchen. I just sat there with my elbows on the counter and chin resting in my hands, thinking about her. I didn’t even care, I just let myself sit there and daydream.

 

I was calm, but on cloud nine that Sara knew everything now. Elated, even. God, I had to tell someone. I couldn’t keep this feeling to myself.

 

I picked up my phone and looked at it. Was it weird to call Emy?

 

“Tegan!” She answered.

 

Nah.

 

“Hey, Em,” I greeted, trying to stay cool and collected and not spill that Sara and I were back together again in the first five seconds.

 

“How are you? What are you doing?”

 

“I’m...good, just hanging out.” I carried my words, she sounded preoccupied with something. “Come hang out with me.”

 

“Ou, I totally would, but I’m out at the moment.”

 

“Where are you? It seems loud.”

 

“Oh, you know, just walking the beautiful streets of Rome, you know how chatty people are out here.”

 

“Streets? Sounds like you’re inside somewhere. I don’t hear any wind. Well, anyways, maybe you’ll see Sara, who _finally fucking knows I love her, Emy!_ And she loves me back! Well, okay, maybe she doesn’t love me back, but she’s into me. Emy, you don’t even know how I feel right now.”

 

There it was, it was about time I blurted it all out. Ten seconds into our phone call. Whatever. I needed to say it.

 

“She does?!” Her voice raised an uncomfortable octave that she never usually does. “Tegan I’m so happy for you!”

 

“You don’t sound surprised, did Sara tell you already or something?” I prodded.

 

“What? No of course not--”

 

It sounded almost as if she was with someone and trying to shush them.

 

“Are you with her right now?!” I interrupted her.

 

“No, of course not!” Her voice stayed in a high-pitch.

 

“Wow, don’t get defensive, Em. Of course you only are because you’re lying to me.”

 

“Oh my god, Tee. You’re too much. I love you, though,” she laughed.

 

“Emy, if you’re with her I swear to god…”

 

“Whoa, Tegan, Tegan!” I think my jealous tone caught her off guard, but my thoughts went straight to that. “I love you. I love you guys together. You’re my best friend. I’m not Stacy.”

 

“Yeah, umm. I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I love you, too. I guess I still have some jealousy, I just don’t know why she needed to go for a walk and process everything. We were having such a great time together.”

 

“You were, so remember that. She has her reasons.”

 

“Yeah. She does. And you totally know what they are.”

 

“Goodbye, Tee.”

 

“Bye, Em.”

 

**Sara**

 

Okay, I didn’t _really_ have to clear my head. I didn’t really need to go for a walk. To be honest, I would have rather been spending my time with Tegan still.

 

But I panicked.

 

Tegan said we were going to have _sex_ tonight.

 

I know. I sound like I’m five. And I know what else you’re thinking; we already had sex this morning. Yeah, we did. And it was amazing. But now I was anticipating it. Now, there’s no spurt of the moment. Now, she’s using a fucking _attachment_.

 

Okay, maybe none of those reasons are valid. But the moment she hinted at it, I got nervous as fuck. And I didn’t want to show her that side of me. I just needed a moment to myself.

 

To calm the fuck down.

 

This isn’t like me to overthink it so much, is it? Ugh, I don’t know. Stacy and I have been together so long that I didn’t even think about sex with her much anymore. It just wasn’t as passionate as it was before.

 

And Tegan says she’ll never get sick of me? Yeah, okay Tegan. Like that’s not inevitably going to happen.

 

The way she made love to me this morning, though--holy shit. She touched me like I would never become boring in her eyes. I had never been touched like that in my life.

 

And she was going to touch me like that again tonight, ugh fuck.

 

My stomach.

 

You know when you get overwhelmed with butterflies to the point of _pain_? Yeah, that’s where I’m at right now. And I don’t think it’s going away.

 

Ever.

 

She’s probably undressed me a million times and touched me the way she’s about to tonight.  This has to be _whatever_ to her right now.

 

Maybe I’ll buy some new lingerie for her. Nothing too over the top, though. Just something new, but not new enough for her to know it’s new.

 

Ugh, fuck. This is weird. Tegan’s my sister. That’s weird, right?

 

The vibrations in my purse startled me and knocked me out of my anxious thoughts and I swear the people walking around me could hear me shriek out loud.

 

Hell, I was sure they could hear my anxious thoughts, too.

 

Okay, Sare, calm the fuck down.

 

It’s Emy.

 

“Emy! Oh my god, thank god you called!” I exclaimed impatiently and terrified, not even bothering to make sure I could hear her over the phone.

 

“Hi beautiful lady!” She sounded overly excited.

 

“Okay, cut the shit, Em. This is serious. I know everything. And you better meet me here like now because I need something sexy to wear for tonight when Tegan tries to sleep with me,” I divulged abruptly.

 

“Whoa. Okay, umm...yeah. Where are you?”

 

“I’m on my way to the _only_ mall surrounding the hotel we’re all staying at.”

 

“Okay, okay, can you just calm down? Oh my god, Sare.” Emy laughed on the other end. I guess I was being awfully blunt and cold with her. Damn nerves. “Well, I’ll be there in five. Bye. Oh and please start breathing or else you won’t make it to tonight.”

 

-

 

I made it to the lingerie store in one piece, and I did take Emy’s advice. I did get nervous again, though, the second I saw corsets and push-up bras and extremely risque lace underwear.

 

None of this is me.

 

Panic again.

 

I took a deep breath and walked up to a wall of bras. Maybe I’ll start with that, and something not so intense. I could feel a pang in my chest every time I swallowed.

 

“First time shopper here, miss?” A hand squeezed my arm and startled me, but I could recognize that playful, sarcastic tone from anywhere.

 

“Oh my god, Em.” She pulled me into a warm hug, still chuckling of incessant laughter. “You scared me.”

 

“I think anything will scare you with your anxiety right now,” she shared.

 

“I’m just freaking the hell out; none of this is something I’d wear,” I whined again as I ran my fingers through the silk and lace fabrics.

 

“Okay, first of all, you could be wearing a garbage bag and Tegan would still be all over you, _by the way_. And second, why don’t you tell me what the hell happened!”

 

“I wrote about Tegan in my journal that I’ve kept with me for the past month of touring. I found it this morning and read everything.”

 

“Ohh that is so cute! I’m so happy for you guys, Sare. Tegan adores you.”

 

“This is all still weird to me, like you’re fine with all this? It’s weird. And I’m asking you to help me pick out sexy underwear to wear for her?”

 

“It’s fine, I’m happy the secret’s finally out. Tegan’s been a mess lately without you, you know. And I’m sure you’ve been dying to get your emotions out after all of that.”

 

“Yeah, I kind of am. I more so just panicked, and honestly I don’t know why.”

 

“Well, this is all new for you again. Here, take these,” she handed me some combinations of bras and panties.

 

“Oh, not this one. Too much cleavage,” I handed her one garment back.

 

“Not the push-up bra?” She laughed.

 

“No way.”

 

“Okay, just come. Try these on to start.”

 

I guess I could have trusted Emy’s decisions on this. When we dated she was a lot more tomboyish and now she’s really grown into a beautiful, young woman. She’s much more feminine now and probably knows a thing or two about these things.

 

I walked with her to the array of fitting rooms and she hung everything up for me, and then sat outside playing on her phone until I had something on.

 

So much chatter outside of this fitting room.

 

“You ready yet?”

 

“No!” I said as I slipped the straps over my shoulder. “This one’s too girly!”

 

“Just come out,” she had hope in her voice, something I was lacking hard right now.

 

I reluctantly pulled the curtain open and stepped out, looking at Emy extremely displeased.

 

“Okay, you look hot. But I’m thinking you’re not too fond of the baby pink.”

 

“No,” I crossed my arms, purposely covering my chest.

 

“I like the undies that go with them, though,” she held up the lacey bottoms that I actually didn’t mind all that much. “It’ll show off your butt.”

 

“Okay, fine. I’ll get the bottoms. But in white,” I’m sure she could hear the terror in my voice.

 

“Oh, try that white lace one on next then! It’s more like a bralette, but it’ll look so cute. It’s a bit see-through, but I’m sure Tegan won’t mind.”

 

“I think I’m on the verge of a panic attack.”

 

“Just try them on, Sare. You’re going to look stunning. Own it.”

 

I took a deep breath and stepped back into the fitting room and closed the curtain. Emy was right, this white one was actually pretty cute. It wasn’t too over-the-top like the pink one, it was more simple. But definitely sexier, which I’m sort of horrified over.

 

I unclasped the hooks and put it around me, adjusting the front so that it covered my chest. It was made completely out of lace and the fabric was extremely delicate. There were no wires or anything. Once I had it on, I took a good look at myself in the mirror.

 

And I actually kind of liked it.

 

I slipped the matching laced white panties over the ones I already had on, playing with the fabric as I let it hit my skin. I brought my hands up to the bralette again, adjusting my breasts in it. It pushed them up a bit, but nothing too crazy.

 

“Are you coming out?”

 

I pulled open the curtain and looked at her. She smiled and nodded her head. “Yes, you look sooo good!”

 

She shot her gaze to her lap and picked up her phone, a flustered expression birthed from her face as she answered and glared at me with wide eyes.

 

“Tegan!” Emy shrilled as she held her phone to hear ear. The second I heard her name, I jumped and slammed my back into the edge of the wall.

 

“Ow!” I shrieked, covering my mouth immediately.

 

“Shh!” Emy put her finger over her mouth and her eyes got even wider. “How, how are you?!” She stuttered. “What are you doing?!”

 

Emy shook her hand at me aggressively for me not to say a word and get back into the fitting room. I scowled back; she better not say anything for Tegan to know she’s with me.

 

“Ou, I totally would! Buuut I’m out at the moment,” she smiled as she lied to Tegan, sounding bubblier than ever. I wanted to hit her because she was just as bad a liar as me. “Oh, you know, just walking the beautiful streets of Rome, you know how chatty people are out here.”

 

All I could hear on Tegan’s end was muffled chatter. I wish I could hear what she was saying. “Put her on speaker!” I mouthed and my hands matched in gestures.

 

She covered the speaker and mouthed _no_ at me as if I was crazy.

 

“She does?!” She went back to lying to Tegan and had a smile plastered on her face again. “Tegan I’m so happy for you!”

 

“It’s about you!” she mouthed again, covering the speaker. “What? No of course not. No, of course not!” Her voice stayed in a high-pitch.

 

Oh god, she knows. Emy can’t lie if she was held at gunpoint.

 

“Oh my god, Tee. You’re too much. I love you, though,” she laughed insincerely.

 

I’m pretty sure I could make out Tegan yelling on the other end.

 

“Whoa, Tegan, Tegan!” She tried to stop Tegan from going off on her, so it seemed. “I love you. I love you guys together. You’re my best friend. I’m not Stacy.”

 

Well, she knows. And she’s jealous, I guess.

 

“You were, so remember that. She has her reasons,” Emy winked at me. “Goodbye, Tee.”

 

“Emy!” I yelled at her the second she got off the phone. “What the fuck!”

 

“I didn’t do anything!” She complained. “She doesn’t know for sure that I’m with you. And if she knows, it’s whatever. I’m helping you shop for lingerie so you can wear it for her. Real upsetting and disrespectful,” her sarcasm was intense as she rolled her eyes.

 

“Fine.”

 

“Okay, we’re done here. Get those. You look hot as hell and Tegan will be dying to take it off of you. Today was a success. You’re welcome, Sare.”

 

I laughed timidly, shutting the curtain and dressing back into my own underwear. My heart was still racing, but I felt unsteady and giddy.

 

In a good way.

 

\--

 

I slid my penthouse key into the aperture and opened the door to a room that was filled with strums and riffs from Tegan’s guitar.

 

“I’m here!” I piped up nonchalantly, shutting the door behind me.

 

“Hey!” She set her guitar down and ran up to me. “I’ve missed you. How are you?”

 

“Good,” I looked into her eyes and waited for her to kiss me. The longer I looked at her before her lips met mine, the more nervous I got. I couldn’t stop playing out us having sex all over this penthouse. “Umm, I’m just gonna run to the bathroom and freshen up,” I tugged the collar of her leather jacket before I pulled away.

 

Could she tell she I flustered I am?

 

“I’ll be out here,” she smiled and gave me another kiss on the lips before letting me go. I grabbed my purse and walked as calmly as I could to the bathroom, when in my head all I was trying to tell myself not be so damn tense.

 

I had thrown out the shopping bag and shoved the bra and panties into my purse before I came back to see Tegan. I didn’t want her to know where I was.

 

I undressed myself rather quietly and pulled out the lingerie from my purse, putting my used ones in there to put away later. I could see my nipples through this bra. Emy was right; totally see-through. I put my hand between my breasts and felt my heart racing. I took one last look at my half-naked body in the mirror before putting my clothes back on over top.

 

“What are you talking about? I had this on all day,” I talked to myself in a quiet voice, practicing my sincerest, most befuddled expression in case Tegan asked.

 

I turned the knob and walked out casually. Tegan was back to sitting cross-legged on the couch, strumming chords on her guitar to a song that I’m sure I was familiar with, but I wasn’t focused on that right now. I pressed my shaky palms up on the island countertop in the kitchen with my back against it, and pushed myself up on it to sit.

 

“What do you wanna do tonight, Sare?” She didn’t look at me, still distracted by the strings on her guitar.

 

“I don’t know,” I smiled and ignored my racing heartbeat. “Up to you, Tee.”

 

“Wanna watch a movie?”

 

 _No, I want you to fuck me on this island._ “Yeah, if you want.”

 

She muted the strings with her hand and looked at me, smiling. “You’re not giving me much to work with. Are you, Sare?” She smiled, setting her guitar down and walking over to me.

 

I giggled as I looked into her sweet, cheerful eyes. “Nope, I guess not.”

 

“Guess not,” her fingertips met the insides of my knees as she pulled me closer to her core, hips leveled at hers. “You know, I always find you sitting on countertops when you’re just waiting for me to pay attention to you.”

 

“Is that what I do?” I smiled and leaned my face in closer to hers. “It must be a habit, I guess.”

 

“Must be.”

 

“I missed you while you were gone,” she cooed while she moved her hands up my thighs and massaged my shoulders.

 

“Mmm,” I reacted. “Yeah you told me; I missed you more.” Her touch was beginning to relax me.

 

“I don’t know about that. So what are we doing tonight, Sare?” She spoke suggestively as she asked again.

 

Fuck, I’m weak. My heart feels so full.

 

“We’re not watching a movie,” I flirted, breaking the news to her.

 

“Oh, we’re not, huh?” She smiled. “That narrows it down a bit, I guess. Thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome,” I had such an overbearing smile on my face that I couldn’t hide.

 

“Ohhh I got it, you wanna invite everyone here tonight. That’s not a bad idea, Sare. That’ll be so much fun, this place is huge,” she continued to play dumb. Our flirting was sort of cute, but I didn’t want to spell it out for her.

 

I laughed hopelessly as I looked down at my dangling legs, her hands still massaging my shoulders. I knew she was going to make me.

 

“Mm, that’s not really the idea I had in mind,” I pursed my lips from letting out another big smile, tilting my head to the side.

 

“Ugh, right, how clueless of me? Let’s go to Colin’s. His place is probably even bigger and we won’t have to clean up after anyone,” she smirked and enjoyed every minute of my discomfort.

 

“Tegan, I’m going to hit you,” I shook my head and pulled at her biceps playfully. I was in disbelief as to how long she could keep this up for.

 

I was just impatient.

 

“Ouch, that was uncalled for.” Tegan was wide-eyed, pretending to be offended and baffled.

 

“Are you gonna make me spell it out for you?”

 

“Yeah,” her response was snide.

 

I took a deep breath and moved her hands to my waist, smiling at her and studying her eyes.

 

“I want you to make love to me.”

 

“What?” She leaned in a bit closer, acting confused and absent-minded.

 

I rolled my eyes and gave her an unimpressed face before responding again. “I want you to make love to me.”

 

“What? Sorry I wasn’t listening.” She repeated.

 

“I want you to make love to me!” I yelled at her, wondering how far she was going to take this.

 

“Alright, alright! Keep your voice down, everyone will hear you. Fine, I’ll make love to you.”

 

“I hate you,” I sighed.

 

“That’ll make it even hotter,” she winked at me.

 

“Shut up,” I rolled my eyes and laughed, squeezing her biceps and pulling her in to bite her lower lip.

 

“You know, we do this all the time,” she pulled away from our kiss and let me in on our mannerisms. “I just can’t help how adorable you are when you get annoyed.”

 

“Okay,” I blushed and bit my lip, pulling her back in to kiss her again.

 

Tegan held my body tightly, tracing her hands down to the outsides of my thighs and squeezed my hips. I could feel her biceps tighten as she did that, and I could already tell she was going to be rough with me, despite how sweet she was being.

 

“What?” I asked as we broke the kiss and she looked at my body in a daze, like her mind was somewhere else. Then she flicked her gaze into mine.

 

“Nothing,” she looked away and shook her head, focusing her attention on holding me.

 

“Tell me,” I looked at her genuinely. I wanted her to know that she could tell me anything.

 

“It’s just taking everything inside of me to keep myself from saying ‘I love you’,” she opened up to me.

 

“So why don’t you?” I smiled.

 

“I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or obligated to say it back.”

 

“I don’t mind,” I assured her, hoping she would say it. I wanted to hear her say it.

 

I wrapped my legs around her and pulled her close to me, slowly pulling off her leather jacket sleeve by sleeve. She was wearing a loose, white tank top underneath that exposed her arms. I took a deep breath as I unintentionally studied her body, hoping it would calm down the butterflies in my stomach.

 

Without speaking, she slowly unbuttoned my denim button-down shirt, eyes fixed on the material as she slowly undressed me and took my arms out from each of the sleeves.

 

“New bra?”

 

“No,” I lied as I looked up at her.

 

“Okay,” she raised her brows and turned up the corners of her mouth. She slid her finger underneath the lace straps, sending tingles down my spine. “You look beautiful in it.”

 

“Thank you,” I said as she pulled me off of the island by my hips. I felt up her ribs to the material of her bra as she pulled off her tank top herself. She slipped off her jeans and then knelt down to kiss my stomach, slowly pulling my leggings past my thighs.

 

She stopped kissing me and I shut my eyes tight, totally knowing what she was going to say as her eyes were fixed at my hips.

 

“New panties?” She fingered the material again, a little rougher as she squeezed my butt.

 

“No,” I laughed since she totally knew I was lying to her. Her touch tickled me a bit, too. “I had this on all day.”

 

“I never said you didn’t, Sare,” I could hear the amusement in her voice. “Did you go underwear shopping with Emy today?”

 

I swallowed before I could respond, silence filling the room as I blushed. “Yes.”

 

She closed her eyes, silently laughing and grabbing my hips as she rested her forehead against my stomach. “I’m gonna leave these on for now, because you’re just too fucking adorable,” she came up and kissed my warm face and then my lips.

 

“Do you want me to use the strap?” She asked, her lips against mine.

 

“Okay,” I swallowed.

 

I stood there, half-naked and already dizzy as I checked her out walking into the bedroom, listening to her opening up drawers. My heart was racing again. I played with the lace on my bra and adjusted my breasts while I impatiently waited, leaning against the countertop.

 

She walked out of the bedroom with the black dildo in her hand that I found in my suitcase. She handed it to me as she took off her bra and panties.

 

“Do you put this end inside you?” I asked, examining the bulb at the other end.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“It’s big,” I brushed my fingertips along the long part of the dildo, imagining it inside me.

 

“I’ll go slow,” she assured me, taking it from my hands.

 

“O-okay,” I stuttered, licking my lips and trying to steady my breaths again.

 

She kissed me on the mouth and I could feel that she was nervous, too. Her hands were shaky and her breaths were getting heavier. I wasn’t sure why she would be, she remembers doing this a million times before already.

 

“On here?” She placed her palm on the hard countertop, waiting for my consent.

 

I took a deep breath and nodded my head. “Mhm.”

 

“Turn around,” Tegan ordered as she set the attachment down on the countertop beside me. She bent me over, breasts and ribs pressed up against the cold counter. The temperature and my arousal had me let out a hitched breath as she positioned me down. She held my hips and kissed my shoulder blades, trailing down my spine as she gently pulled off my panties and threw them onto the marble next to me.

 

Tegan pressed a hand on the inside of my thigh and gripped my ass, slowly moving her hand to my opening as she spread me. Her other hand was busy putting the bulb inside of herself; I could feel the firm dildo against the backs of my legs as she did. Despite how flustered I was, I was incredibly wet and I realized it once she moved the toy along my arousal.

 

“Is this okay, Sare?” She asked sweetly as she pressed the dildo against my pussy, causing me to grip the edge of the counter even harder.

 

“Uh-huh,” I assured her, taking another deep breath as she gripped my ass. She used her thumbs to spread my thighs more so she could put her attachment deeper inside me. She pushed my hips against the edge of the countertop and all I could think about was how tight my pussy was for this toy.

 

“Holy fuck,” I cursed quietly as I felt her thrust fully inside me.

 

“Ugh, fuck,” I heard her moan out in pleasure and match my words. It must have felt good for her, too. “Is that okay, baby?” She asked and all I could hear was arousal in her voice.

 

“Yeah,” I cried out, impatient again. But this time for her to keep going.

 

She slowly slid the dildo out and back inside me. Once I was wet enough, she moved her hands so that she had her thumbs on my lower back and fingertips right above my hip bones. She continued to shove my hips into hers again, going faster with every thrust.

 

“Ugh, fuck. This is okay, baby?” She asked again, arousal coating her voice.

 

“Mhm, yeah,” I trembled as she went faster and pulled my hips harder against her. “Oh my god, oh my god. Mm, fuck,” I cried out.

 

Tegan had her hands splayed across my lower back and I couldn’t get enough of her hands on me. She was so rough with me and I wondered if we always fucked like this. Probably; seeing as that’s why I can’t remember our sex life or entire romantic relationship in the first place.

 

Despite how lewd and indecently she was fucking me, I couldn’t help but feel  that this was one of the most passionate and intimate I had ever been with someone. Because it was. It still felt like she was making love to me, and I knew that she was dying to tell me how much she loves me.

 

I tried so hard to stay quiet in fear of the walls being thin, but I couldn’t help let out an incoherently loud cry. She was pounding so hard into me that I had to grip the front of the counter beside me hip with my right hand and bite my knuckles of the other so I wouldn’t scream so loud again.

 

She slowed down her pace a bit and held onto my wrist, caressing it delicately in contrast to her sex. I pressed my left palm into the marble and looked over my shoulder at her, swollen lips and light-headed. With the toy still inside me, she held my shoulder and leaned in to kiss me.

 

“Did that feel good, Sare?” She asked, genuine concern on her face.

 

“Mhm,” I breathed out. “I don’t know why you stopped.”

 

She smiled at my dazed expression and I was beyond drunk on her. “I just wanted to kiss you.”

 

“You give me so many butterflies in my stomach it hurts, Tee,” I let out.

 

“I know the feeling,” she closed her eyes and giggled softly. “Mm, my baby.”

 

I hummed in pleasure at her term of endearment and closed my eyes. My love for her is innate, I can feel it but I don’t want to say it yet. I don’t think it ever disappeared, but I won’t tell her tonight.

 

I’m overwhelmed with it.

 

There were a million and one times it almost slipped out, yet another reason I had to keep my teeth at my knuckles. Nothing else was entering my mind to say to her.

 

Fuck.

 

She tugged on my hair and pressed her hand down between my shoulder blades. My jaw would have been hard against the marble if it weren’t for my hand between the two. She pulsed in and out slowly, causing me to clench my teeth hard and body to jerk.

 

I moaned softly, but fortunately it was muffled by my hand somewhat. The second she’d go harder I knew I’d cry out, she already had my body shaking. I wanted her to so badly.

 

“Fuck me,” I choked out valiantly.

 

She superimposed her fingertips over mine, making sure I had a good grip on the edge of the countertop before she did what I asked. All that filled the room was my hips slamming forcefully against hers, and now my uncontrollable shrieks and cries and cursing.

 

“Fuck! Fuck, oh my fucking god Tegan fuck me,” I screamed uncontrollably as she held my body down against the marble, which had finally matched up with my body temperature.

 

“Oh my god, baby,” she breathed and I could tell she was so distracted by watching me; I could feel her eyes gawking at my ass.

 

She grabbed my ass and slapped me hard as I rode out on her dildo. I couldn’t control my screams again and hoped to god that nobody was out in the halls or occupying another room on this floor.

 

They’re far apart up here, right?

 

“Oh my god, Tegan,” I managed to let out once she slowed her pace, unclasping my bra and pulling me up from the counter. My body was fumbling and I could barely stand as she removed my last piece of clothing, kissing my shoulder and turning me to face her.

 

Tegan leaned in and kissed my lips so softly, massaging her tongue into mine and I felt complete ecstasy. “God, I love you so much, sweetheart,” she finally exposed as she trailed her mouth down to my neck and then to my breasts as she held them.

 

“Oh, fuck,” I moaned as she flicked her tongue against my nipples, one after another. I was so sensitive there, but I’m sure she knew that from experience. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and she lowered her hands to my ribs. She gave me another kiss on the mouth as she lifted me back up to sit on the edge of the countertop.

 

“Nope,” she analyzed the differences in height between our hips. “Too high up. Come here,” she commented with her hands under my bum so I wrapped my legs around her waist. My sister lifted me and took me over to the dining room table and set me down; it was slightly lower than the island countertop.

 

“Do you plan on having sex on every piece of furniture in this penthouse?”

 

“If that’s what you want, Sare,” she raised a brow suggestively as she put me down on the table. Fuck, it was cold against my ass.

 

I laid my body down and she grabbed the insides of my knees, bringing my ankles onto her shoulders. “Like that?” I asked, seeing if she wanted me to adjust myself and trying not to think about how cold this new marble was on my back.

 

“Yeah. Like that, baby,” she looked my body up and down and then into my eyes. She spread my ass again and I bent my legs closer into my chest. Once she had the tip of the toy against my pussy, she pulled me closer by my lower back and hiked my legs tighter around her neck.

 

Tegan started to thrust into me and I unconsciously grabbed her forearms as she held me. We didn’t break eye contact and we were both so overwhelmed by each other. She had me captivated as she tormented me and had my body fumbling with a touch.

 

I wanted to be so close to her and it took everything inside of me not to profess my growing love for her. I took my legs off of her shoulders and crossed them around her waist again, sitting up and squeezing onto her biceps that held me.

 

She gave me a long, passionate kiss before detaching her lips from mine and clutched my hips so hard. I cried out into her ear the harder she slammed my hips against her. My fingertips were digging into her arms and I was surprised I wasn’t causing her pain, but her only focus seemed to be fixated on me.

 

“Ugh, fuck! Oh my fucking god, Tee!” I screamed in pleasure as I lost grip on her arms and pressed my palms back behind me on the table. I fought to hold up my fumbling body that was on the verge of a shuddering orgasm. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

 

I let my head fall back as she fucked me harder and my gaze snapped to the ceiling as I struggled to keep my mouth shut. I uncontrollably cried out my sister’s name and a million different curse words. “I’m gonna fucking cum, Tee. Holy fucking shit,” I collapsed my arms and slammed my body against the tabletop.

 

“Fuck!” I shrieked frantically and felt waves of electricity overpower my body.

 

She moaned and watched in pleasure as I tightened around the toy and she had to slow her pace. My hips buckled and she had to hold me, convulsing hard and body tense. She continued to fuck me slowly and my cries were uncontrollably deafening, I was sure of it.

 

“Oh my god, Sare,” she gawked at my jerking, overly-sensitive body and pulled out slowly. “Holy fuck, my love.”

 

I fought to steady my breaths and she was reluctant to touch me, slowly easing into it again. It took me a few minutes to calm down again before I guided her hands back onto me. I wrapped my legs around her and she kissed me softly between my breasts, picking me up and carrying me over to our bed.

 

Where we made love this morning.

 

She set me down on my back and sunk her body in between my legs. “I can’t stop telling you how much I love you, oh my god,” she fussed and I laughed against her cheek.

 

“Don’t stop; I like it.”

 

She kissed the space between my jaw and earlobe repeatedly and I could feel her elated smile against my face. It made me weak as fuck. “Okay.”

 

I wrapped my legs around her, pulling the toy towards my pelvis. I shot her a look hinting that I wanted more, and I knew she wasn’t done yet either.

 

“Okay,” she smiled, taken by surprise that I didn’t want this to end yet. Or maybe I was always like this; who am I to know?

 

She put her fingers in my mouth to gag me as she filled me with her attachment. I was so sensitive for this right now and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out for. But I wanted her to cum, too. I had a death grip on her wrists and I could just feel that I haven’t seen the beginning of how rough she wanted to be with me tonight.

 

“Mmm, fuck you feel so good,” she murmured as I grinded my hips against hers and bit her fingers hard. “Oh my god, Sare.”

 

I watched as she clutched her hand around my neck and stopped. I could see the battle she was having with herself and how badly she wanted to choke me, but knew it wasn’t the safest thing for me right now.

 

“Hit me instead,” I asserted.

 

She laughed innocently as she held my jaw, considering whether or not she could actually do that to me. I think I may have startled her by insisting that.

 

“Do it, I want you to. Fuck me fast and hit me.” I looked into her hesitant eyes; I knew how sweetly she thought of me. “Please?”

 

“Just tell me if it’s too much for you, baby.” She hesitantly picked up her pace as she fucked me, dildo pulsing against my sensitive, swollen clit. I was ready to cum so fucking hard.

 

Tegan was close to her peak as I watched her biting back moans. She clutched my jaw with her dominant hand and slapped me across my face, earning a pleasured shriek from me.

 

My fingertips dug into her back, helping her thrust harder into me so I could push her over the edge. I knew she was getting closer by the way she gripped my jaw, thumb pressing hard on my bottom teeth.

 

I could barely breathe and couldn’t stop choking out cries.

 

She hit me again, harder this time and it felt so fucking good. My screams were uncontrollable now and I pulled her face close to mine, biting her reddened lips. “Are you gonna cum for me, Tee?” I asked as I rolled my hips along hers and felt another blow to my face.

 

“Oh my god, fuck, I’m cumming, Sare,” she gripped me hard again and our bodies became tense in synchronicity. I pulled her body into mine one last time before she convulsed hard into climax. My body jerked uncontrollably against hers as I rode out my harmonized high. I had a hard grip on her wrist that held my face. It wasn’t long before our hands gave out and she collapsed onto my sweat-slicked body.

 

“Oh my god,” she let out a deep sigh. “You are so amazing.”

 

“You’re amazing,” my body jerked against her as an aftermath of my climax.

 

“I am so in love with you,” she breathed into the crevice of my neck.

 

Likewise, my love.

 

“Mmm,” I hummed as I kissed her forehead. “Good.”

 

I slid my thigh in between her thighs and felt her attachment still inside her. She lifted her hips and pulled out the bulb from her pussy. Both ends of the dildo were covered in arousal and we totally should have gotten up to clean ourselves off. But I pulled her in close to me and I laid underneath her, our bodies intertwined with each other.

 

She was drenched between her thighs and I couldn’t ignore it as she dripped down my leg. She had her hand on my chest and buried her head deeper into my neck. I bet she could feel my pulse going a mile a minute, especially as I worked to slow my unsteady breaths.

 

“My beautiful Tegan,” I said as I massaged my fingers against the small of her back.

 

“Mm, yeah,” she hummed at my touch.

 

“I’m so glad I read my journal,” I stated the obvious. The sun’s rays from the warm, orange sunset hit her skin and she looked beautiful. I couldn’t keep my hands off of her. The night hasn’t even set yet.

 

“Yeah?” She laughed at my childlike, redundant statement.

 

“Yeah,” I responded, my fingertips getting lost in her hair. “Tell me you love me again, Tee.”

 

She propped herself up overtop of me on her weak forearms, kissing each inch of my face and looking me in the eyes.

 

“I love you, Sare,” she stroked my sweat-slicked forehead and I got lost in her eyes.

 

It made my skin prickle every time.


	76. Disordered

**Tegan**

 

I spent the night wrapped in Sara’s arms, head buried in her chest and naked. I could finally sleep again without waking up in the middle of the night to the most excruciating anxiety that she’ll never find out about us or look at me like that ever again. That I’d never know what it feels like to be held by her again.

 

I didn’t even think about that tonight.

 

The butterflies in my stomach didn’t leave and I was okay with that. She never stopped giving me those. I hope she could feel just how much I adore her after today. That I don’t care how long she needs to feel how I feel about her. That she can take as much time as she needs and that I’m not going anywhere.

 

I couldn’t stop dreaming about her, though. Fuck. Maybe last night didn’t help much, either. I guess at least it didn’t matter this time if I started feeling her up and thinking I was still dreaming. 

 

Ha, well that was embarrassing. 

 

Damn dreams.

 

She was between my legs and giving me head. I didn’t want to wake up from this dream, holy fuck. Her hands pressed against my thighs and tongue on my clit had me just about over the edge. She made my back arch every time. And her sweet hums and giggles when I cursed out her name in unimaginable pleasure.

 

“Oh my god, Sara.” I hope I didn’t say that out loud.

 

I jutted my hand between my legs and felt her head.

 

“Ugh, fuck,” I grunted as I could feel my fingers gripping her hair. “This isn’t a dream.”

 

“No it’s not,” she husked in the sexiest voice. “Good morning, baby.”

 

I raked my nails harder through her hair as she thrusted two fingers inside me. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

 

My body began to shake and I tried to push her mouth off of me, to which she completely resisted me and kept going. She was making me orgasm and I could barely handle it. She squeezed my hand and I squeezed back, probably with a death grip because my brain felt like it was short circuiting and vision about to go black.

 

I could feel myself tighten around her digits and she started to slow her pace and kiss me softly when I became too sensitive. My screams were uncontrollable and my lungs were empty. I watched my sister look up at me and wanting more, but I was pushed well past my peak and couldn’t handle another touch from her.

 

She bit her reddened lips as she smiled at me with lust in her eyes. “Fuck. No more, I’m so sensitive right now,” I said as I pulled her up from my thighs and she giggled as if she would have loved doing that just to torture me.

 

“Just one orgasm? Fine,” she sighed playfully while brushing her fingers along the inside of my arm.

 

“Pathetic, right?”

 

“It seemed like a good one,” she raised her brows and made eyes at me.

 

“They’re all good,” I countered as I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and stretched out my body. “Like holy fuck.”

 

“My thoughts exactly,” she kissed me on the forehead and pulled me up. “Come shower with me.”

 

She had my hand in hers and tugged on it as she lead me to the bathroom, which again, was freaking huge and beautiful. I’m not even surprised anymore.

 

I gawked at her as she stepped in and got wet, fixed on the way the hot water ran down her body and the way she touched herself. 

 

“Come in,” she said as she began to wash her hair, almost asking as if it were a question. I think I got distracted by her and forgot what I was doing.

 

“Sorry. I could look at you forever,” I shook myself of my thoughts and returned back to reality. I think I made her blush, but that wasn’t intentional at all.

 

“Okay,” she smiled to herself and I may have embarrassed her a bit. God, she’s so cute. I stepped into the shower and held her hips from behind. I kissed her shoulder blades to her collarbones slowly and held each of her hands as I hugged her.

 

“Mm, that feels so good.”

 

“Good,” I turned her around and kissed her on the lips. She finished washing her body, then grabbed the towel from outside the shower and stepped out to dry off.

 

“You’re quick to leave,” I pointed out, to which she giggled innocently and teasingly.

 

“Mhm,” she smiled and came back to give me one last kiss before she left to get dressed. “Don’t miss me too much.”

 

“I will,” I jested.

 

It felt like forever since I had taken the time to just enjoy a hot shower, so I did. We had one more day to just hang out; we’re in no rush and have the whole day ahead of us. So this was a good start to it.

 

Ten minutes past and the hot water felt so good against my skin and on my face. I could get used to this; I think these penthouses have really upped my standards. For example, I’m totally considering renovating my place in Vancouver or hiring a butler. My god, that would be amazing. I bet Colin has a butler.

 

How did he even fall into his career as a hitman? Is it even considered a career? Well, I guess not. How does he even get business? You can’t really promote your services when it’s super fucking illegal. It  _ is _ illegal, right? Did he not say he worked with the government? I’m so confused, maybe he’ll let me ask him about it sometime. Eh, probably not. Well, regardless, that’s badass. But I’m sure if I had to see him brutally murder someone again I would pass out.

 

Kinda like when he killed Lindsey, that was nothing short of traumatizing.

 

My spiraling thoughts were interrupted by what sounded like Sara screaming at someone, crying even perhaps. My hand jerked to the spout immediately to shut off the water and I grabbed my towel, quickly and improperly drying my hair and body.

 

Without thinking, I rushed outside in just a towel wrapped around me. I was more concerned if Sara was okay than whoever she was yelling at seeing me half-naked.

 

“Sare? Is everything okay? Who are you talking to?” I peaked around the corner to see a distraught Stacy, looking like she was ready to give Sara another sob story.

 

I’m so over this.

 

“Yeah, everything’s okay.” She glared evil eyes at Stacy, standing helplessly at the door and about to be shot down for the millionth time. “No one important,” she continued, answering my second question.

 

“Please just let me talk to you, Sare. I can’t even put into words how much of a mess my life is without you.”

 

“So that justifies you to pretend we’re still together, then take advantage of the fact that I suffered memory loss from a fucking concussion and completely lie to me and manipulate me just for your own benefit? What about  _ my  _ feelings, huh?! Ever think of those?” Sara raised her voice at her.

 

“What other choice did I have?”

 

“Really? You’re not even gonna acknowledge what you did was so fucked up? You could at least do that, Stace. You know you could have at least been honest with me. You are so selfish and cruel to treat me that way. I was your  _ girlfriend _ , I expected better from you.”

 

“If I could do it all over again, I would have done it differently. You just assumed we were together, I went along with it. I didn’t know what else to do. Come on, Sare, I panicked. You don’t know how badly I missed you.” she sobbed.

 

“So would you have told me about Tegan?”

 

She said nothing. That definitely caught her off guard.

 

“Sare…” I began to put my arm up to her shoulder, speaking in a calm voice in hopes that she would tone hers down. It was no use; she was getting really riled up.

 

She rejected my hand and was glaring at Stacy, waiting for her to answer.

 

“Huh?! Would you?!” Sara was yelling now.

 

“You lied to me about her since you went to Europe, Sara! I came here on a plane cause you weren’t answering my calls, do you know how fucking worried I was?! Only to find out you guys were fucking each other after seeing the marks on your neck and her fucking tattoo?! And yeah,  _ you were my girlfriend,  _ Sara _.  _ What were  _ you _ thinking?! You didn’t even give a fuck about me and I was worried sick about you. All you gave a fuck about was fucking your sister!” 

 

“Hey Stace, don’t talk to her like that,” I cut in. “She doesn’t even have any memory of that happening.”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Tegan! This is all your fucking fault, anyways,” Stacy shot at me.

 

“How is this  _ her  _ fault?!” Sara defended me.

 

“It’s one thing for her to choose to cheat on Lindsey, but she chose to get involved in our relationship!”

 

“It was my decision, Stacy. I was already in love with her and she figured it out on her own. It was mutual,” Sara defended me.

 

“You’re making a huge mistake, baby.” Stacy shook her head and tried to hold back tears, but it was no use. I cringed at Stacy’s unwelcomed term of endearment for my sister. “You don’t even love her the way you loved me. She can’t give you a real relationship like I can. You’re better off with me, Sare.”

 

“You’re really not giving up yet? I can’t believe you’re still trying to fuck with me after all of this. I don’t want you, Stace. Drop dead,” Sara’s tone was serious.

 

“Guess you only gave me a second thought when I actually did,” Stacy held the door open as Sara was trying to shut it on her.

 

Sara froze and gave Stacy a blank stare.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“You didn’t tell her?” Stacy looked at me, perplexed, but pleased.

 

“Tell me what?”

 

“See this?” Stacy exposed the rope burns on her neck from her suicide. She’d been covering them up recently, God knows they’d leave a scar there forever. She was doing this to turn Sara against me. And Sara would be blind not to see that.

 

I had my reasons for not telling her.

 

Sara looked scared by her wounds and I’m sure she could put some pieces together by the looks of her reaction.

 

“I hung myself,” she spoke point blank. “Well, I was possessed to...so the story goes.”

 

“Stacy, stop,” Sara demanded in a monotone, still paralyzed at what she saw. “You’re scaring me.”

 

“By your precious Lindsey,” Stacy looked at me condescendingly. “She raped you, Sare. Did Tegan tell you  _ that _ ?”

 

“Stacy, that’s not funny.” Sara’s voice broke and she was in denial.

 

“I’m not laughing. How could you not tell her, Tegan?” Stacy acted surprised.

 

“No,” my sister looked at me with terror in her eyes, waiting for me to tell her she was lying. I have the utmost disrespect for Stacy and it’s at an all time high right now. If she wants Sara back so much, how dare she not care about her feelings? “Tell me she’s lying, Tee.”

 

I saw the fear in my sister’s eyes and my heart broke to watch.

 

“I came as soon as I could that night. She put something in your drink and brought you to her room. I’m so sorry. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to overwhelm you with everything all at once.”

 

Sara put her hand to her heart, looking as if she had the wind knocked out of her and in complete shock. “No,” she cried hysterically. “No, no, no, that’s not true. Oh my god, no, please no.”

 

I tightened my towel around my chest and held a lifeless, distraught Sara, but she pulled away quick. She put her head against the wall, slamming her fists into it and bawling harder as she hid her face.

 

“Fuck you, Stacy,” I spat at her as I walked away to the bathroom to grab my clothes. If she wanted an opportunity to be alone with Sara, there it was. It wasn’t going to do her any good, though. Just because Sara doesn’t want me to comfort her doesn’t mean she wants Stacy to.

 

I quickly grabbed my bra and panties, shirt and leggings and struggled to dress myself with flustered, shaking hands. I could hear Stacy mumbling something to Sara from here and I’m pretty sure she wasn’t even listening, because all she was doing was bawling her eyes out and processing all that Stacy had just told her.

 

“I don’t want you, Stacy! Don’t fucking touch me!” Sara broke down and her screams were frantic, pushing Stacy off of her.

 

“Stacy, leave right now,” I demanded as I put a hand on her shoulder, leading her towards the door.

 

“Get the fuck off of me, Tegan!” She roared as she turned to me and I completely lost it.

 

“Okay you know what? Come here,” I pulled her and slammed her against the wall. “Don’t you dare ever fucking touch her again! She doesn’t fucking want you, you fucking manipulative piece of shit! Don’t you see that you’re fucking making her cry?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You’re fucking scum, Stacy! Get the fuck out of here before I do something I’ll regret.”

 

I slapped her across the face and slammed her against the wall with every threat and outburst until her cries were almost too painful to listen to. My hate drove my anger so far I thought I could have actually beat her to death.

 

“Baby, stop!” Sara put her hands on my shoulders, trying to be calm. “Stacy, please just go. Don’t ever come back here again. I don’t want to see you. Ever. Please just get out of my fucking face.”

 

“Please, Sare. I love you. I’m going crazy without you,” I let go of Stacy and she didn’t quit as she pulled on Sara’s arm. I knew I’d scare Sara if I touched Stacy again, so I decided to back off, as difficult as that was. Sara’s tough, though, she can handle her on her own.

 

“Let go of me,” her voice was serious and far from calm, growing weaker by the second.

 

“I can’t live without you,” she cried and began to manipulate her again.

 

“Don’t you dare play that with me. I hate you. Get out of my face right now!” Sara shrieked and Stacy stayed clinging to her. “Stacy, let go of me!” She screamed. I wanted to intervene so badly, but I really didn’t want Sara to think I didn’t think she was capable of taking care of herself. I just wanted Stacy gone.

 

It took everything inside of Stacy to let go of her ex. I could pinpoint her heart rip in half the second she realized there was no possibility of her and Sara being together ever again. 

 

“It hurts so bad, Sare. You don’t understand how bad it hurts,” she cried and begged for forgiveness.

 

“The door’s that way, Stace, you can show yourself out. Don’t make me do it for you.”

 

“So this is it?” She asked.

 

“Yes, please don’t ever try to contact me again. You’re just trying to turn Tegan against me at this point. You and I have no future.”

 

God, this was so painful to watch. She should have taken the hint and left a while ago.

 

“Okay,” Stacy said. She was finally done pushing back, verbally and physically and she reluctantly opened the door. “Goodbye, Sare.”

 

“Bye, Stace.” I knew that look on her face, Sara was working so hard to hold back her emotions. The second she shut the door on her she let out a million sobs.

 

I was sitting on the couch as I watched her, tears running down her face as she slowly approached me. A lot of me was worried she would be angry with me for not telling her, but I wasn’t thinking too much about myself right now. I just wanted to be there for her and make sure that she’s okay.

 

“Tee…” I watched her sobs running down her cheeks as she stood in front of me, lifeless and almost checked out. I held my arms open and waited for her to come sit with me.

 

“I know, I know,” I didn’t know what else to say to comfort her as she curled up beside me. I sat myself up against the armrest and pulled her close to me and onto my lap.

 

“Is she telling the truth?” She asked vulnerably.

 

“Yes,” I said and stayed quiet for a minute. I wanted her to calm down a bit as I kept her close. “I’m so sorry you found out that way. I was going to tell you, please know that. I just didn’t want to overwhelm you with everything at once. I didn’t do it to hurt you.”

 

“I know you wouldn’t do that, I know. I just don’t understand,” she cried harder into my chest and I held her head. “What the hell was she talking about...she hung herself? That’s impossible, she wouldn’t have survived. Not with those scars.”

 

“She did,” I kissed the top of her head and brushed my fingers through her hair. I guess she was ready to hear it now. Not like there’s actually any good time to hear this. “At least that’s what we think,” I went on. “It was the day of Lindsey’s funeral, we think Lindsey had something to do it. And then, I know this sounds impossible, but Lindsey possessed Stacy. I know. There was something up with her when she was on tour with us. You didn’t notice, but I did. She was so dead in her eyes and it creeped my the fuck out. Of course  _ Stacy _ was trying to flirt with you. You told her you weren’t interested, but I got jealous anyway. And eventually...trust issues.

 

“Then one day we all went to the beach, this was in Amsterdam by the way, and Stacy and I got into a huge fistfight in the bathroom. She was flirting with you like crazy and you told me not to follow her, but I did. And of course she pretended to be way hurt then she actually was, so you offered to bring her back to the hotel. You were really mad at me that day. Then I guess she asked you to stay a bit and you guys had a few drinks. Stacy was texting me on your phone that everything was okay and pretending to be you. 

 

“Then I got to the hotel, and since you said you were fine, I figured I’d just go to sleep. Then Emy called me in the middle of the night, panicking, telling me that Stacy’s family found her hanging in her closet and then when they came back she was gone. And it just all added up at that moment, why Stacy was creeping me out so much and who that really was.

 

“So I ran to her room, banging on her door, and that’s when I found you. You were okay, Sare, you were. You didn’t understand what was going on at all, though, or that it was wrong. Not until you heard the anxiety in my voice. That’s how I knew she didn’t just get you drunk and she put something in your drink. That’s just something Lindsey’s does often, apparently. But you were so strong about it, Sare. You had a rough couple of days after, but you were so strong,” I reminded her. 

 

Yes, it happened, but it’s over now and she’s okay. And thankfully, so is Stacy. I just hope Stacy is still okay after today and talking to Sara. To be completely honest, I know from the bottom of my heart that Stacy is not a bad person. 

 

She truly isn’t. 

 

It’s the circumstances that she’s been faced with; from the beginning of Sara and I getting together to her suicide and possession to having the love of her life think that they are still together. I really do get it; she’s been dealt a shitty fucking hand which has forced her to have some really questionable actions. She didn’t mean to harm anyone, maybe me, but that’s a given--I took Sara away from her.

 

She has a heart of gold and I really do hope she can get back to that point in her life where she can function without Sara by her side.

 

“Tell me there’s nothing else,” she looked up at me and broke me from my thoughts.

 

I took a second to think about everything that happened in the past month. 

 

“You’re caught up. I promise, babe, that’s it,” I assured her.

 

“Okay,” she hid her head into my chest again. “Just give me a minute…” I could feel her take a deep breath and exhale. “Fuck.”

 

I adored how strong she was in situations like these.

 

“Are you still cutting yourself?” She asked without any sensitivity as she rolled up my sleeve.

 

“No...come on, Sare, you just saw them this morning.” I wasn’t ready for her to ask and I got a bit uncomfortable, “I just did it that one time.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry.” She whispered sweetly as she brushed my hair out of my face. “Do you trust me?”

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

“Promise?” She asked, concern and worry in her brown eyes.

 

“I promise,” I smiled. “Are you okay?”

 

“I will be. I just need to process everything.”

 

“Anything I can do to help?” I asked.

 

“No.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Just love me,” she added.

 

“Easy,” I squeezed her waist. “So there  _ is _ something I can do to help.”

 

“I guess,” she raised her brows and smiled a bit.

 

“So you want me to love you, but you won’t love me back?” I made a confused face. 

 

“Hey,” she nudged my shoulder and let out a bigger smile. “Just because I’m not saying it back doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything.”

 

“What  _ do _ you feel?” I probed.

 

“I think you know what I feel,” she giggled, blushed and gave me no real answer. Just like she always does. “You know, people shouldn’t even have to say I love you. It should just be understood from the way two people are with each other and treat one another. So much so, that when  _ I love you _ is said, it’s just redundant.”

 

“Fine,” I shrugged my shoulders. “I won’t tell you I love you then.”

 

“Tee, you know that’s not what I meant. I’m just  _ saying _ ,” she laughed as she played with my hair.

 

“Okay, I got it. Well then  _ I’m just saying _ that, uhh I don’t know, you could  _ show me _ how you feel about me then. I mean, especially if you’re not gonna tell me,” I rolled my eyes as we bantered back and forth with each other.

 

“You don’t think I show you well enough?”

 

“I mean, not enough that an ‘I love you’ would seem redundant,” I smirked at her.

 

“Oh, you’re good.” Her laugh was so cute and childish in my ear as she pressed her face into mine.

 

I couldn’t help but laugh with her. “Yeah?”

 

“Mhm, real smooth.” I could hear the sarcasm in her voice as she bit on my ear. “But, like, how could I possibly show you more than I already do?”

 

“Beats me,” she made my heart beat a little faster.

 

“Mm, I don’t think it does,” she spoke to my playing dumb and inched her mouth so close to mine.

 

I tried to kiss her, but she held my head back and didn’t let me. Teasing me. That did things to my body and she totally noticed it, too.

 

“I think you do know how,” she breathed. Her smile was so sexy as she tortured me, pressing her core into mine and drawing butterflies from my heart.

 

“Don’t play innocent and clueless with me like you’re not thinking it, too,” I cooed as I pulled her hair. “And I think you do, too.” 

 

“I’m not playing. And I do know,” she traced her fingers down the buttons of my shirt.

 

“Oh right, I almost forgot you like watching me suffer first.”

 

“How could you forget that?” She kissed the corners of my mouth slowly. “Even I didn’t forget that.”

 

“You’re so silly, Sare. I love you so much,” I tried to kiss her and she refused me again. “Ugh, I fucking want you so bad.”

 

“Well, since I’m not playing innocent and clueless…” She unbuttoned my shirt one by one, “...where’s your strap?”

 

I pointed over to the bedroom as she kissed my sternum and barely looked up. “Nightstand. Bedroom,” I husked impatiently.

 

Before she left, I lifted her shirt up and kissed her body as she stood in front of me. I swallowed hard at the thought of her fucking me with that as we undressed each other.

 

She walked away in her bra and panties and I couldn’t help but check out her half-naked body. She was wearing a baby pink-coloured bra and matching bottoms that exposed everything, leaving nothing to the imagination. I bit my lip as I watched her disappear, listening to her rummaging through the drawer.

 

My sister walked out of the bedroom, wearing nothing but the toy between her legs. Fuck, my heart started to race in my chest and adrenaline rushed through my veins. She smiled at me with lust in her eyes as I slowly unclasped my bra.

 

“Stand up,” she ordered sweetly as she sat down, gripping the strap in her hand as she eyed my naked body up and down. She took off the last piece of clothing on my body, which were my panties, and pulled on my legs onto her until they were on either sides of her.

 

She had her hands on my hips and looked into my eyes, smiling mischievously. “Is this what you had in mind?” She asked as she tightened her grip on my body.

 

“Yes,” I put my arms around her neck and tried to stay serious. “It was.”

 

“Okay, good. That would have been awkward.”

 

She made me laugh and I inched my face toward hers again slowly. She moved her hands up to my waist and pulled me closer, adjusting my legs that wrapped around her. I lifted my hips as we kissed and she touched me with trembling fingers. I was wet and she felt it; I wanted her inside me and she felt that, too.

 

I could feel Sara’s hand move to the toy while the other spread me. She stroked it up and down my entrance until it was covered in my arousal. And her lips, they never let go of mine; we didn’t need any direction other than our hands. Our bodies were synchronized that way.

 

I sunk my body down slowly onto the dildo and broke the kiss with her. She watched as I almost jerked my hips up, but she kept them held down so it stayed inside me. “Fuck me,” I breathed, my mouth wide and head shot back. I wasn’t necessarily referring to how much I wanted her to, but more so to the shock at the pleasure it gave me.

 

I pressed my breasts against her breasts and grinded my hips against her hips. She traced the outlines of my mouth with her tongue and her hands dominated control over me. 

 

It’s usually while we’re close and intimate like this that we’d look at each other and say ‘I love you.” God, I wanted her to say it so bad, but I get it. It hasn’t even been a week of her knowing about us...yet she’s totally fine with being this affectionate with me. Whatever, I never understood my sister’s logic. She totally loves me back, I know she does. And she’s  _ in  _ love with me, too. I feel it in the way that she looks at me, touches me, kisses me.

 

She just enjoys torturing me and keeping me guessing and leaving me seriously fucking confused. Whatever, really. I’m already over it.

 

I’m just going to keep telling her I love her whenever I feel like saying it, because I don’t have pride like she does.

 

Sara slowly moved my hips up and down the attachment as she rolled her tongue along my neck and then to my ear. “Mm,” I moaned into her ear. “I love you so much, Sare.”

 

“Yeah?” She rasped. I knew she wasn’t going to reciprocate it tonight, but I could hear the giddiness in her voice from me saying it. Today was a lot for her, and I really do know she feels something just as strong as I do for her. “Does that feel good, baby?”

 

“Uh-huh.” I stuttered, riding her a little faster and my sobs getting louder. “Mhm, oh my god! Fuc--”

 

Sara held me by my ribs so that I couldn’t control the pace and started to fuck me so hard that I whimpered hysterically and tighten my grip on her arms. “Fuck! Fuck! Oh my fucking god, Sare!” I screamed as she slammed me down on the toy.

 

Her fervor was clear in her eyes. I raked my fingertips through her scalp and pulled her hair as she bit my chest, causing my skin to prickle. “Mmm,” she groaned as she looked up at me. “Kiss me.”

 

She put one hand on my jaw, pulling my face into hers as she continued to pound the dildo into my pussy. My cries were muffled by our mouths pressed against one another and she even choked me a few times. I wasn’t as good at handling it as she was. Holy fuck.

 

“I’m gonna come! I’m gonna come!” I swallowed hard and sobbed frantically as I convulsed, tightening around her attachment. Her hand still clutched at my throat. I shoved my hand between my thighs and pushed my hips off of the toy as I started to gush all over my sister.

 

Sara bit her lip and watched my climax drench her stomach and attachment in complete pleasure. I don’t think she was expecting me to orgasm that fast and neither was I.

 

“Have you had enough, Tee?” She asked as she finally changed her gaze from her stomach to my eyes, caressing my body softly.

 

“No,” I choked out a response as I positioned myself onto the dildo so she could continue fucking me. I’m not even close to enough.

 

“Good,” she kissed my cheeks and held my back while she made love to me again. “Lay down.”

 

“What?”

 

My sister pushed her hips against the back of the couch to give me more room. “Lay down, just do it. I won’t let you fall.”

 

“Where do you want my legs?” I asked as I walked my hands back for support.

 

“Right here,” she took each of them one by one and crossed them behind her shoulder blades. She pulled my hips closer to hers and pressed the toy deeper inside me.

 

“Oh my god,” I hitched out a breath in ecstasy and let my head hang as I laid my back on Sara’s thighs. “Like this?” I asked, palms finally finding the floor. Fuck, I don’t know how long I’m going to last in this position. I already feel extremely sensitive after my first peak. 

 

“Yeah. Fuck, you look so good from this angle, Tee. I’m gonna make you come so hard. Are you comfortable?”

 

“Are you kidding me?” I couldn’t even see her like this and my gaze was fixed on the wall behind me. I had all my trust in her not to let go of me.

 

“Okay, that doesn’t matter. Just tell me if it’s too much,” she laughed and spoke lovingly before she spread my thighs and pulsed the dildo into my pussy.

 

My breasts bounced as she fucked me and I could feel a thin sheen of sweat coating my back as I worked to stay in this position. Even though she was holding me tight, I gripped the ground and tried to keep my body still, in fear that she might not be able to hold onto me.

 

Sara dug her fingers into my lower back and all I could hear was her pleasured moans. I swear she was gawking at my chest, not to mention my entire body as it writhed and trembled overtop of her. My hand wanted so badly to grab my breasts and keep them from bouncing, even though I knew that was the centre of my sister’s attention right now. My abs started getting sore and I could feel myself getting light-headed from the pleasure she was giving to me.

 

“Ugh, fuck. You’re close, baby. You’re almost there,” Sara divulged as she spanked me hard. She could feel my walls tightening and body going limp. “God, you feel so good, Tegan.”

 

“Ugh! Fuck!” I sobbed in a high pitch and Sara pulled out of me as I began to squirt all over her again. I arched my back and feet as my arousal gushed out of me. She didn’t wait long before she pulled me up and sat me back on the toy.

 

“You’re not done yet, baby,” she said. It wasn’t even a question anymore; she was insisting that I haven’t had enough. I was so fucking sensitive after that second orgasm I think this one was going to be in more pain than pleasure for the third.

 

“Sare, fuck. Oh my god, I don’t know,” I breathed heavily, trying to regain a steady pulse. My eyes were just about glazed over and she had my legs around her shoulders now, allowing the attachment to go deeper inside me. My arms were bent and my hands on her knees, her hands on my back. We looked at each other and I could tell she didn’t want to stop.

 

“Too much?” She asked and I could see the concern for me in her eyes.

 

“No, keep going,” I breathed, giving it a second-thought after I insisted that. “I just won’t last long.”

 

“Okay,” she let out a half-smile. “I could do this to you forever. Watching you cum like this. Oh my god, Tee, you’re so sexy.”

 

“Thanks,” I smiled back at her, my eyes meeting hers. “I love you,” I let out again. She inched closer to kiss my lips softly since I couldn’t move much in this position. “You know, you’re an asshole for not saying it back. Don’t lie to me that you don’t feel something, too.”

 

“I’m not!” She got offended and squeezed my hips. “I never said I didn’t feel anything  _ Tegan,”  _ she spoke my name playfully and pressed her forehead against mine. “And what ever happened to ‘I don’t care how long it takes for you to fall in love with me again’?”

 

“That was all bullshit.”

 

“I knew it,” she let out an exhale and rolled her eyes. “I bet that line wins all the girls over.”

 

“Maybe, but I’ve only used it on you. And it won you over.”

 

“Mhm,” she hummed, smiling at me and at the way we teased each other. “Well you won me over before you said that.”

 

“Oh,” I lost my breath for a sec. “My heart.”

 

She brushed her fingertips along my ribs and thumb on my sternum, next to my heartbeat. “Good.”

 

I giggled breathlessly as she pushed my bangs back and away from the sweat that coated my forehead.

 

“So you won’t last long, huh? I haven’t even done half of the things I wanted to do to you. You’re so sensitive today.”

 

“Well I know you love torturing me, so I’ll just let you do whatever you want to me,” I submitted.

 

“Mm, yeah?” She smiled. “How many more times do you think you can come like that?”

 

“Ugh,” I groaned, near exhausted from it. “I don’t know. Guess you’ll need to keep fucking me until I can’t anymore.”

 

“Guess so,” her eyes flicked to the attachment that was buried in me. “You’re still so wet,” she made note as she spread my pussy and pressed her thumb against my swollen clit.

 

“Fuck!” I jerked my body at her touch. “Fuck. Yeah,” I whimpered. “Just fuck me, Sare. Please,” I pleaded.

 

“Okay, baby,” she listened as she stroked my clit and slowly guided my opening in and out of the toy. “Can I go faster?”

 

“Mhm,” I kept my mouth shut, knowing her new pace was going to have me screaming uncontrollably.

 

“Okay, hold on to me,” she pressed as she sped up her rhythm and had my heart rate starting to increase.

 

“Ugh, fuck,” I moaned, voice shaking as my body couldn’t help but do the same while Sara rocked me up and down.

 

“That feel good?” She asked and I nodded and moaned, trying not to let go of my sister with every fibre in my body.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” I stuttered. “It feels so fucking good. Mm fuck!” 

 

“Ugh, fuck, baby. Can I choke you?”

 

“Mhm, ugh, yeah, but I’m gonna come. Fuck! Choke me,” I pleaded.

 

She pulled my body to her chest as much as my legs allowed and her other hand squeezed my throat. I was hysterical now, fumbling and trying to pull my legs off of her shoulders, but she kept me there as I screamed.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ, fuck! I’m coming, I’m coming!” I cried and she choked me harder until I could barely vocalize. My grip was on her forearm that was completely flexed from clutching my throat. My hips buckled and electricity shot through my body, tense now as I hit my high. I jerked my grip to her hand now and she finally loosened her hand.  

 

“Oh my god, baby.” Sara bit my reddened lips and slowed her speed as I squirted uncontrollably for the third time on her. My body didn’t stop until she did, growing impatient for her to pull out. My body was so hot now and I could barely keep myself upright.

 

“Fuck!” I cried out as my body spasmed again without her doing anything and I collapsed onto my back and on her thighs again. I was drenched in sweat and so was she, along with my arousal. We’d have to shower after this.

 

“Holy shit,” Sara exhaled as she took my hands into hers, playing with my fingers as they interlaced one another. “I’m so addicted to you.”

 

I worked to slow my breaths, but it was too soon. I let my head fall again, getting light headed and it feeling like the room was spinning. “I’m gonna pass the fuck out,” I mumbled.

 

“Oh, don’t do that.” She massaged my shoulders and I could barely handle her touch anymore. “Come here,” she leaned forward and hugged me, hinting at me to wrap my arms around her so she could sit me upright on her.

 

I unclasped my legs around her and the blood rushed back from my head to my body. I lowered my head and pressed it against her chest, just below her shoulder and taking all of her in. “I love you so fucking much,” my voice cracked and I didn’t want to get emotional, but what I felt for her was so overpowering. Especially after  _ that.  _ I was so vulnerable right now, butterflies rushing through my core as she kissed the top of my head so sweetly.

 

“I love that you’re mine, Tee. You’re amazing,” she whispered. 

 

“Mm, yeah.” I agreed as I kissed her collarbones and bit her skin.

 

“Let’s shower...again. We’re soaked.”

 

I started to regain steady breaths and I let out an exhale as I laughed. “Okay.”

 

We got up and showered for the second time today, trying to be quick since we decided on rehearsing tomorrow’s set and grabbing some food from the restaurant downstairs as we did. Maybe a bottle of wine, too, but nothing detrimental.

 

Sara wrote out the set list while I called the restaurant and ordered some food for pick-up. I sat behind her while she tuned the guitars, kissing her neck and hugging her annoyingly as I waited. She didn’t seem to mind, though. Twenty minutes passed and I let her to set up the rest without me bugging her.

 

“I’ll be back babe. Red or white?”

 

“Merlot,” she said as she plucked the strings on her favourite guitar. “Don’t be too long, I’ll miss you.”

 

“Okay,” I laughed at her distracted tone as she strummed random chords. “I’ll pretend you meant that.”

 

“I did,” she laughed back as she finally gave me attention and kissed me before I left.

 

I grabbed my wallet and left my phone in the room, I wasn’t going to be longer than fifteen minutes. I shut the door behind me and walked down the hallway to the elevator, finding the floor with the restaurant and bar.

 

The doors opened to the restaurant and, man, this place was nice. Sara and I should have just came down here instead of bringing it in the room. We had a ton of time to do that today. Oh well, maybe we’ll come here for lunch tomorrow before we have to leave to the venue we’re playing at.

 

I walked over to the hostess podium and let them know I was picking up food and to also grab a bottle of merlot. They told me it would just be a few more minutes, so I grabbed a seat at the bar.

 

Her dark blonde hair grabbed my attention and the fact that she looked like she was onto her third or fourth drink so early in the evening. Well, it’s barely even close to that hour and she already looked a distraught mess.

 

She must have seen me from the corner of her eye, just standing there and watching her. She looked horrible and I wished there was something I could do. She was never one to turn to alcohol. Her eyes were lifeless and expression blank as we exchanged glances.

 

Stacy wasn’t meant to go through any of this. She’s just a sweet, innocent girl who was thrown into unfortunate circumstances. And even if you’re a good person, sometimes you can’t help it when life pushes you the other way. She used to be so lively and now it’s as if she’s possessed again. 

 

But this time she’s still Stacy; she just can’t handle any of this anymore. She was so close to having Sara again, despite the huge gash in her integrity in her way of doing it. I still couldn’t help but have sympathy for her, she clearly isn’t well and I don’t know why she’s still here.

 

I didn’t know if I should have gone up to her, but I didn’t. What could I have said to her? I nearly sent her to the hospital today. It was only going to make matters worse. And Sara told her not to contact her again, and I guess that includes me, too. It would just be easier for her if we stopped being in each other’s vicinity.

 

The host broke me from my thoughts, handing me my dinner and wine. “Thank you,” I said to her and politely smiled at Stacy before I left for the elevator. I hope she knew I meant well; I didn’t want to boast in any way that Sara wanted to be with me. Stacy had suffered enough today and it would be cruel of me to rub it in.

 

It broke my heart to see her like that, a girl that once truly loved Sara. And now, she’s on the edge of going insane. God, I really hope not. But how couldn’t she with all the shit that’s happened? She needs to get better. Hell, she deserves to. The way she spoke to Sara this morning wasn’t like her at all. The Stacy I knew wouldn’t have lied to Sara in the beginning and made her believe they were still together.

 

Ouch, this pit in my throat as I thought about her. I hope she doesn’t stay here all night and that she knows there’s a life outside of being with Sara. I hope she gets better.

 

For her sake.   
  
  



	77. Overdose

**Sara**

 

Our tour bus parked just outside of the venue, right behind the building so we could bring all of our gear in. We were all together now. Colin and Emy tagged along, too, but no Stacy. I’m sure you already figured that one out, though. We thought it would be fun to just hang out backstage together until the show. We got a late start to the day since we didn’t have to rush much.

 

We finished our soundcheck early and everything was on schedule, so we had a few hours to hang out. There were a bunch of snacks and drinks, but we just stuck to water. Nothing alcoholic until after the show. Tegan plunked down beside me and held my hand, so proud and pleased, beaming to show everyone that we’re together again.

 

Colin flicked his finger over to Tegan and then to me, treading lightly (this time) in case he misinterpreted. “Yeah?”

 

“Yep,” Emy said.

 

“Mhm,” Tegan was the third to confirm.

 

“Cute,” Colin marked. “It’s so nice to see Tegan happy again, and Sara not so pissed about us hiding something from her. “It was my dare that did it, wasn’t it?”

 

I shot Colin an unimpressed look. “Yes. Thank you  _ so _ much for daring us to make out, Colin. That’s exactly what did it.”

 

“I mean...it helped,” Tegan shrugged and pursed her lips together.

 

“It’s so nice to finally meet you guys in person!” The girl who was touring with us for the rest of Europe flung into the room with excitement, heading over to Tegan first to greet her with a hug.

 

“About time, right?” Tegan reciprocated the affection. I didn’t know her music well, but Tegan insisted her style would fit our sound and I always trusted her opinions. This girl had a very contagious energy about her and I could tell she was going to have a strong stage presence. “I can’t wait to hear your set.”

 

“Hi, I’m Sara.” I stood up and stuck out my hand. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

 

“I know that!” She smiled from ear to ear as she shook my hand, as if I didn’t have to introduce myself. “Tegan’s told me so much about you. Thank you so much for trusting her to have me open for you guys.”

 

“Of course,” I smiled and she then introduced herself to everyone else, eventually taking up space on the couch beside Tegan.

 

I wonder if Tegan told her about us, but I guess everyone knew. I had to get my head around that fact. Damn, even the fans...that made me nervous.

 

We played three shows last week and I had no idea that the fans knew about Tegan and I. I can’t even fathom how Tegan managed to pull the wool over my eyes for that long. It wasn’t long before I found out about Stacy and I not actually being together anymore, but Tegan and I’s relationship took much more prying.

 

It did make me sort of nervous to play tonight now that I know  _ everyone _ knows about us. I could feel my heart beating faster at the thought of it. 

 

What do they think? 

 

How did they even find out?

 

Tegan squeezed my hand a little tighter and maybe she could sense my oncoming anxiety. She’s good. I keyed back into the conversation that my thoughts distracted me from, but even then I struggled to involve myself with everyone.

 

“Come get a coffee with me,” Tegan turned to me and caressed my hand as she pulled me up to follow her.

 

“You okay?” Tegan asked as she walked out of the venue with my hand in hers.

 

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’m just in my head, I guess.”

 

“What’s going on in there?” She showed genuine interest and smiled so sweetly.

 

“Nerves.”

 

“Yeah?” She stopped walking and turned to face me now, holding my other hand in hers. “About what?”

 

“The fans,” I looked at her like it should have been obvious. “They know now. It’s gonna throw me off for the show.”

 

“Are you thrown off right now?” She asked. “Me holding your hands like this and smiling at you, stopped on the sidewalk around lots of people?”

 

I took a deep breath and looked around to see not too many people looking at us, but it did have me slightly on edge. “I’m slightly uncomfortable, you know, this is a little terrifying.”

 

My sister laughed at my unease. “You should have seen me last week when we were doing our shows. I was so scared the fans were gonna say something to you about us when we were talking with them.”

 

“Oh, that’s valid. That would be stressful,” I thought about it.

 

“Totally, but I got through it,” she empathized with me. “Besides, they don’t bring that up anyways. We addressed that we were going to keep it private.”

 

“Yeah, this is real private,” I sarcastically made note of our highly overt public display of affection.

 

“I’m just holding your hands,” she inched her face up to mine and beamed. “It’s not like I’m kissing you or anything.”

 

“We’re still making it obvious!” I raised my voice as she pulled me.

 

“Yeah, so? Whatever,” she shrugged her shoulders and pulled me along as she walked carefree and bouncily. “Zero fucks given.”

 

“Zero fucks given,” I sighed under my breath as we continued to look for a coffee shop. I guess I could try on that attitude, too. It’s not like people don’t know. I’m sure there are fans around here, too.

 

Tegan spotted this cute little coffee shop just up the street from the venue. She knew how much I loved cafes like this and I thought it was really sweet how well she knew my taste. We walked in and I grabbed a cozy table in the corner while she ordered our coffee.

 

“I got your favourite,” she smiled as she came back with two drinks in hand.

 

“Coffee, wow. You’re a mind reader,” my tone was nothing short of sarcastic.

 

“Yeah, black; just how you like it,” Tegan detailed and acted offended. “Man, talk about a girl who appreciates the little things.”

 

“You want a girl who appreciates the little things? I’m sure one of these girls in here would love to date you. Be my guest,” I opened up my hand to the other tables.

 

“Maybe I will,” she tilted her chin up and raised her brows. “It’s not like you told me you’re in love with me or anything, anyway.”

 

“You don’t care how long it takes, huh?” I reiterated. “I can really tell.”

 

“I don’t care how long it takes,” she emphasized the word  _ don’t _ as she pouted and became childish. “But I know you’re in love with me,” she began to argue as she attested to that.

 

“Really?” I gave her an unimpressed, puzzled face, yet couldn’t help but smile. I said it more like a statement rather than a question. I knew she wasn’t done with that thought.

 

“Really,” she nodded, repeating my words wide-eyed and certain. “You just love being a tortuous shit when it comes to my feelings.”

 

“Really? I do?” I said an octave higher, poking fun at her and mocking her.

 

“Really, you do,” she glowered as she took a sip from her coffee.

 

“Thank you for bringing that to my attention, Tegan.” I spoke in a sarcastic, serious tone.

 

“You’re welcome, Sara.” She avoided eye contact with me, huffing about yet another stupid thing. Like the time I told her she could have just told me about us the whole time. Ha, but she looked so cute when she acted like that.

 

“Wow,” I bewildered, continuing to play around with her. “You know me so well.”

 

She ignored me.

 

“You know I think you’re really cute when you’re mad at me?”

 

Still nothing. 

 

Just paying attention to the coffee she was sipping on and setting it down every so often. She always had to have her hands occupied by something when she’s ignoring me. My coffee was still burning hot and I’m sure hers was, too. 

 

That’s dedication.

 

“Oh yeah, just like that. That’s so, ugh. I’m getting flustered over here,” I fanned my hand to my face. At least I thought it was funny.

 

“Hey, would it kill you to smile?” I prodded and bugged. I nudged her hand that held up her chin and threw her off balance, finally irking her enough for her grab my hands.

 

“You are  _ so  _ annoying!” The flicker in her eyes made me smile back at her and laugh foolishly. Yeah, she did know me so well. She held my hands down the more I tried to reach for her again, applying more pressure to my wrists and snickering as I didn’t give up to taunt her.

 

I pulled my hands out from underneath and gripped the sleeves of her leather jacket. “You’re my favourite, Tee,” I could feel my cheeks turn pink as she gave me butterflies. “Thanks for my coffee, by the way, you always know just how I like it.”

 

“Uh-huh,” she bit her lips and smiled, eyes locked with mine. “Anything for you, loser.”

 

I stuck my tongue out at her and simpered innocently, closing my eyes. I opened my eyes to her looking at me like I could do no wrong in her eyes. That look made me weak, to put it lightly. If I was standing, my knees would have become unsteady in an instant. She loves me and I could see it in just a single look. 

 

It almost made me uncomfortable because it would have been the perfect time to say  _ I love you _ , but I got shy and looked away. Maybe because if I looked for a second longer, it would be obvious that I reciprocated feelings. I just wasn’t ready to say it yet. I feel it, but it’s still such a new feeling to me.

 

Not to mention terrifying.

 

I made coy eyes at her as I grabbed my coffee to take a sip and cover up the vulnerability on my face. One of my hands were still on her arm and she felt safe. 

 

She’s home to me.

 

“Do you feel better about tonight?” Tegan asked sincerely.

 

“Yes. You’re good at grounding me. Thank you, Tee.”

 

“Welcome, my love.”

 

We stayed for about an hour or so and walked back once we finished our coffees. Tegan and I got back just in time to watch the opening set from the side of the stage. We peaked our heads a little too obviously and there was a group of fans who got excited and kept pointing in our direction. They waved hysterically and so did we.

 

I turned to Tegan and giggled jovially, much more carefree now. Seeing them in high spirits to see us grounded me even more, reminding me that nothing was different in last week’s shows when they knew then and it was going to be no different tonight. Tegan looked happy, she reciprocated my laughter and massaged my shoulders, easing me more.

 

She played one last song and I watched the stage get stripped and reset. Nerves came and went as I talked myself through them. This was going to be fun, I told myself. I truly did believe it, too. There were moments where I couldn’t differentiate the butterflies from fear or excitement, but the majority was definitely excitement.

 

Showtime.

 

\--

 

“Shut  _ up _ , Sare!” Tegan laughed and pushed me as we chuckled through the hallway to our new hotel room. “I kept it  _ so  _ professional on stage! I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Yeah, _ okay. _ ” I couldn’t stop my hysterical laughter, searing with sarcasm and almost to the point of tears. “You made everyone whistle at me when I turned around to fix the amp  _ and then _ you slapped my ass!”

 

“Oh come on, I’ve done that tons of times before. It was a sisterly slap.”

 

“Uh-huh,” I raised my brows in amusement. “Except now they know this time it wasn’t. Oh, and then you told them lawyers are hot!”

 

“What’s wrong with that?”

 

“You told them I was planning on getting my law degree!”

 

“Still don’t see what’s wrong with that,” Tegan kept a serious face as she enjoyed cracking me up. “I’m almost certain they assumed I found you hot anyway.”

 

“Ugh, let’s just get in the room. I’m tired. And you’re so weird!” I jested and turned to face her, grabbing the card to the room from her back pocket.

 

“One of the many reasons you  _ love _ me,” she emphasized the word like she knew I felt it. Yeah, she wasn’t dumb. I got that.

 

“One of the many, sis.” I looked away as I said under my breath. Suddenly, I felt my heart sink and became paralyzed. There was a small corridor that lead to our room and I noticed someone too familiar laying on the floor and completely lifeless. Completely unresponsive and still. Back against the wall, head to the side, hand no longer gripping onto an empty bottle of pills and gin. 

 

Her fingertips and lips were blue.

 

“Oh my god, Stacy!” Tegan choked in anguish, flustered. “What the fuck. Oh my god. Is she moving? Is she okay?”

 

Tegan moved me aside, panicking, as she knelt down to her. She shook the pill bottle hysterically, but it was quiet. No rustling of a single pill left. The bottle of gin was near empty. I noticed her cell phone screen was unlocked but I couldn’t make out what was on it, until Tegan picked it up and noticed what she was using it for.

 

“Fuck!” Tegan screamed and dropped Stacy’s phone, rattled and disturbed. “She’s making a live video.”

 

“Give it to me,” I spoke in a sensitized monotone, ending the video once Tegan handed it to me.

 

“Call 911, baby.” Tegan ordered, tears streaming down her face. I nodded and swallowed hard, using Stacy’s phone to call her an ambulance.

 

“Hi, I’m calling from the Divani Caravel,” my tone was urgent and scared. “I’m calling from the fifth floor, room five nineteen. There’s been an attempted suicide outside of my door. She’s not responsive. She overdosed. Please send an ambulance.”

 

I hung up the phone to see Tegan shaking Stacy and getting angry due to her lack of response. Of course her body didn’t budge and Tegan was a slew of emotions right now.

 

“What the fuck are you doing recording your suicide, Stacy?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why do you have to be so fucking crazy?!” My sister began to cry. She felt bad for her, I could tell. She was always so sympathetic.

 

“Desipramine hydrochloride,” I picked up the empty pill bottle. “She’s been on antidepressants?”

 

“I guess so. You know she hasn’t been doing too great. It must have been prescribed to her recently.”

 

“Mhm,” I hummed, stunned at the situation.

 

It wasn’t long before the paramedics came and eventually loaded Stacy onto a stretcher. Tegan was crying the entire time and I could tell she was scared. I held her hand and reassured her that everything was okay, no matter what happens tonight.

 

Was there still a part of me that hated Stacy? Maybe, but I was naturally more calm in situations like these where Tegan would get debilitating anxiety. No one deserves to feel so low to resort to suicide.

 

“Should we go with her?” Tegan asked, shaky.

 

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

 

The adrenaline had kicked in from this unexpected situation, but the day had us exhausted. Days where we perform are usually like that. They put us out in the hospital waiting room until they get Stacy stabilized.  _ If  _ they get her stabilized, I should say. I really didn’t want to stay here longer than a few hours; this was the last thing I pictured myself doing tonight.

 

“How much longer?” I asked Tegan, head down and deep in thought.

 

“I don’t know, Sare. You don’t want to stay?” She asked, face exhausted.

 

“I do. I want to make sure she’s okay.”

 

“Me, too. I know it’s late. I know you’re tired. You can sleep on my shoulder if you want,” she offered.

 

“I may take you up on that,” I adjusted her arm and used it as a pillow. “Who are you texting?”

 

“Colin. I told him what happened. He wants to come and be here for Stacy, too.”

 

“Well, that’s awfully sweet. Now?” I looked up from her shoulder, curiosity on my face.

 

“Yeah, he’s on his way.”

 

I was quiet for a minute as I kept looking up at my sister. “Tee?” 

 

“Yeah, baby?”

 

“She really tried to kill herself?” I asked.

 

Tegan breathed in and held it for a moment before breathing out. “Yeah. You know she hasn’t been in the right state of mind for a bit. If she had been seeing someone they would have definitely diagnosed her with some form of mental illness.”

 

“You think her mental illness made her do that?”

 

“Of course it did. She never wanted to die before. She used to have a glow in her eyes and she doesn’t anymore. She’s depressed and there’s something else, for sure. Ever since that whole Lindsey situation. She got worse,” Tegan explained.

 

“I hope she gets better, Tee.”

 

“I hope so, too, Sare. That’s what she deserves.”

 

“Hi, guys,” Colin’s familiar voice greeted from beside me. “She okay?”

 

“Hey, Colin.” Tegan got up to give Colin a hug and I lost my shoulder rest. Tegan and Colin were so close, like best friends. I was still warming up to him since I’ve only ‘known’ him for a week. “No news yet.”

 

“It could really go either way. I messaged you as soon as I saw her video; that’s so fucked up,” he responded.

 

“You saw it?” I flicked my head over and my eyes widened, an eerie feeling arising in the pit of my stomach.

 

“Yeah, it’s still on there. I hope someone takes it down soon.”

 

I took out my phone and had to see for myself. It was on her Instagram still and I covered my gasp as soon as I saw. This was so disturbing.

 

I wish I had deleted it before I locked her phone screen. I didn’t think of that when I was so shaken up and flustered.

 

Tegan shot me a look, she knew I wanted to see it, as fucked up as that is. It was one of those things that I just couldn’t look away from.

 

“Did she say something about me?”

 

“She did. I’m really not judging you if you watch it, I understand. I’m just warning you, I didn’t feel good watching it at all,” he told me.

 

Tegan sat back down beside me as I swallowed hard.

 

I felt sick for doing it, but I chose to watch it. There she was, back against our hotel hallway wall. Conscious; phone in one hand, gin in the other.

 

“So for those of you who don’t know what I’ve been going through, life has become unbearable for me,” she spoke in a dead monotone, no life in her eyes. “So please forgive me for what I’m doing. Hopefully this will put me to sleep now for a bit longer than usual. Call it an eternity, I hope these will do it.” She looked hopeful at the ideation of her suicide as she shook the bottle of pills that sounded half-empty already.

 

I watched painfully and reluctantly as she popped another handful of pills in her mouth. 

 

“I did this before, and I was so close to succeeding. I didn’t even want to go then, but now, now I do. Fuck you, Lindsey. You fucked me up even more than I was. She made me hang myself, by the way, in case you’re wondering. That’s why I’ve been covering up these scars. I want to go now, now it’s my time. There’s nothing left for me here. 

 

“Sara, I’m sorry for the way I treated you since you lost your memory. I shouldn’t have made you think you were mine. Deep down, I knew you never wanted me even then. I saw the way you looked at Tegan, even when you didn’t know you were hers. I know what I did was selfish, but I love you.

 

“Tegan, take care of Sara. Love her the way I couldn’t. You took my soulmate from me and I’ll forever hate you, but I see the way you look at me. I know you wouldn’t choose this for me. I chose this for myself. There’s no hope left. I must end it. I hope this works. Brother, mom, dad; I loved you always. I’ll be at peace now. Goodbye.”

 

Tegan squeezed my hand harder as she watched over my shoulder. I could tell it scared her, too, just to hear her talk like that. She was speechless just like I was.

 

“Sara and Tegan Quin?”

 

Tegan got startled and her sudden jerk startled me, too. “Yes! That’s us. Is--is she okay?” My sister asked, waiting impatiently for the nurse to answer.

 

“We got her pulse back. She looks like she’s going to be fine. We ran some assessments and blood tests on her and gave her some antidotes. We had to pump her stomach, too, but it’s good you brought her in when you did. You can come visit her now; she isn’t awake yet, but it looks like she will be soon.”

 

Tegan held my hand and I followed her to Stacy’s hospital room, Colin followed beside us. Stacy was hooked up to all these different machines and all I could hear was the beeping of her newfound steady heartbeat.

 

“She looks terrible,” Tegan muttered under her breath, but we could all hear. She reached forward to her bed and gently held her hand, despite the many wires that were attached to it. “Stacy,” she sighed out her named and asked a rhetorical question in a mere whisper. “Why the fuck are you doing this to yourself?”

 

Her bloodshot eyes slowly opened. Saying that she looked out of it would be an understatement; Stacy was completely disordered and had no idea of her whereabouts. “Oh,” her face fell as she looked at Tegan and then to her hand and the rest of her body. “It didn’t work.”

 

“No, it didn’t,” Tegan smiled wholeheartedly and squeezed her hand a little tighter. “You’re still here, Stace.”

 

She analyzed her body again; the hospital gown, the monitors that kept her stable and her unsteady hands. “How’d I get here?”

 

“Sara called an ambulance for you.”

 

“You should have just let me die, Sare,” Stacy spoke in a groggy voice.

 

“I had no choice; you were blocking our hotel room door.”

 

“Sara!” Tegan jabbed me with her hand that wasn’t holding onto Stacy’s.

 

“What?! It’s true! Of course I would have called regardless,” I scoffed, rubbing my newfound aching shoulder.

 

“Well, thanks for saving my life, I guess,” Stacy didn’t mean that at all and I didn’t know what to say to that.

 

“Are you getting any help for this, Stacy?” Colin chimed in and ask empathetically.

 

“No,” she rasped, pulling her hospital blanket up a bit higher past her chest. “I don’t want any.”

 

Colin gently brushed his hand along Stacy’s knee overtop of the blanket. “Look, Stace; I know the last thing you want is to be alive right now. Pulling the plug on your life is a permanent solution to this temporary problem. You weren’t always like this, you know that. If you can just hang in there for a bit longer and have strength, I promise that you will get better. If you’re willing to try, I know someone who can help you get better.”

 

Stacy looked as if she had completely checked out of the conversation, face turned to stone and didn’t want to hear another word from Colin about how she could get better. She looked away to the window and there was silence.

 

“That’s not a bad idea, Stace…” Tegan added.

 

“I just don’t want to anymore,” she resisted.

 

Tegan stared at her, shaking her head back and forth slowly. “You know, I don’t really care what you feel like doing right now. You need to live and you’re going to get help--”

 

She started to raise her voice at her and Colin interjected. “Tegan! It’s okay, it’s okay.”

 

“It’s getting late, I think we should go now.” Tegan’s tone had me flustered and I didn’t want to get involved. I think Colin would be better at convincing her than Tegan yelling at her when she’s depressed like this. “Stace, I really am glad you’re okay. Colin’s amazing; listen to him and we all want you to get better. We better go, but we’ll be checking in on you.”

 

“Bye, Sare.” Stacy sat up in her bed and we gave each other a tight squeeze. Maybe just tight on my end, I could barely feel any life in her hugs and it’s because she’s just so unwell. 

 

“Bye,” I reciprocated and Tegan gave Stacy a hug, too, before we walked out.

 

“Help her,” Tegan made wide eyes at Colin and mouthed the words with urgency, to which Colin nodded back at her. 

 

I have faith in him.

 

\--

 

“You look so exhausted, baby.”

 

“I know, but I won’t be able to sleep after all that,” I said to Tegan as she locked me into her arms.

 

“You don’t want to go to sleep? You know we have another show tomorrow and we have to be up early.”

 

“I know, I just want to hang out with you for a bit before we go to sleep. Clear my head or something,” I suggested.

 

“Okay, well...wanna go for a swim?” She offered.

 

“Right now?”

 

“Yeah, there’s probably no one there. And you love looking at the night sky,” she smiled at me and brushed my hair out from my face.

 

Butterflies overpowered my stomach at the thought of being in the water with her under the stars. I held her tight and took a deep breath in. “Okay.”

 

I rummaged through my suitcase to find my bikini and went into the bathroom to get ready. The top was a red scoop neck, sort of like a sports bra, that gave me some cleavage and the bottoms were matching and fairly cheeky. I adjusted the straps and made sure it fit me properly before wrapping myself in a towel and walking out. Despite the fact that I was fairly shy wearing bikinis, Tegan was definitely going to like me in it. 

 

“Ready, Sare?” Tegan knocked on the bathroom door.

 

I inched the door open and peaked my head out. “Just about.”

 

“Yeah?” She opened the door all the way and checked me out as I stood in my towel. “I can’t wait to see what’s underneath that,” she winked and raised her eyebrows, reaching for my hand.

 

“Okay, loser.” I couldn’t help but laugh at her weirdness.

 

“I love you, beautiful.” She turned to face me and kissed me on the cheek.

 

“Okay,” I giggled, knowing she was probably so frustrated with me not reciprocating it, even still.

 

_ I love you, too. _

 

“Come,” she rolled her eyes and shook her head back and forth, taking my hand to follow her. I grabbed my flip flops and stumbled along as she pulled me eagerly to leave our hotel room.

 

“Tee!” I shrieked, trying to keep up with her. “Slow down, we’ll get there when we get there!”

 

She turned around to face me, walking slower and backwards as she smiled at me. “Sorry,” she apologized, barely meaning it. Her hair was a mess and face run down from the day, but she still had this sparkle in her eyes whenever she looked at me; it melted me every time. She had a white oversized shirt that showed off the ink on her arms over her tank top and black swim shorts. Needless to say, she looked hot and I tried not to think about it.

 

The pool was outside and on the top floor. And to my surprise, Tegan was right; there was no one here. That thought quickly escaped my head once I noticed the most beautiful view of Greece that I had ever seen. Lit up sky, the most beautiful villages and mountains that reached the night clouds.

 

I was inspired and energized by its composition, not to mention how high up we were made my chest feel light and airy. The cool summer breeze hit my skin as I dipped my toes in the water and it felt so refreshing. 

 

Tegan sat down by the edge of the pool, legs dangling into the water. She looked around to admire the city as she took off her T-shirt and threw it onto one of the chairs. I got more butterflies as she did that and fixed her hair, but I shouldn’t be surprised by that anymore. I knew she was waiting for me to come and sit beside her on the concrete.

 

“It’s nice here,” she observed as she smiled up at me.

 

“Yeah,” I swallowed, setting my towel down onto the table and exposing my bare skin. “It’s breathtaking.”

 

“Mhm,” she hummed as I sat close beside her and slowly submerged my body into the water.

 

I sunk my body between her legs and had my hands on the backs of her knees and then along her thighs. My feet were standing on a ledge in the pool that had me just below eye-level with my sister.

 

“How’s your night going, baby?” I asked, using a term of endearment that still seemed so new to me, yet made me giddy every time.

 

Tegan laughed, since that definitely wasn’t a simple question after everything that happened today. “You mean other than painfully exhausting and unexpected?”

 

“Yeah,” I snickered childishly, running water down her legs with my hands.

 

“Well, better now. I just hope Stacy will actually let Colin help her.”

 

“Me, too.” My voice turned serious. “Did you anticipate her to do something like that tonight?”

 

“I wouldn’t have ever expected that in a million years,” she said.

 

“Yeah,” my eyes opened wide and I unintentionally squeezed her legs a bit.

 

“I did see her last night, though.” Tegan started. “When I went to pick up our dinner. She was down at the bar alone. And honestly, I barely recognized her. I knew there was something going on in her head. That something wasn’t right and that she just wasn’t herself anymore, but I didn’t think something like this would happen so soon.”

 

I didn’t know what to say. Yes, both Tegan and I told Stacy we hated her, but we both truly wanted her to get better. We hate what her illness is doing and making her do. It’s not fair to her and she needs to turn her life around.

 

“But she will be okay, Sare. I really do have faith in Colin; he’s so caring,” she added, knowing that it wasn’t easy hearing that and turning the conversation around.

 

“He really is. And I do, too.” I was very lightly zoned out, seeing as that’s what this kind of day does to me.

 

“Let’s change the subject,” she brushed my hair out of my face. “That’s what’s exhausting you so much tonight, so let’s talk about something else. Or even not talk at all,” she smirked and played with my hands. “She’s going to get better.”

 

“I know she will. Okay, no more talking about that,” I pursed my lips and pulled at her elbows for her to come in. “Let’s talk about how hot you look in a tank top,” I gawked and continued to pull her into the pool. “And even hotter out of one,” I remarked as my fingers moved along the material at her hips.

 

“Oh, is that all that you notice about me?” She played back, acting offended as she got into the water.

 

“Just right now,” I squeezed her at her ribs and laughed into her neck. “I can’t focus on anything else.”

 

“Oh, you’re so sweet,” she put her hands to my hips as I sweet-talked her, pressing me assertively against the pool wall.

 

I kissed her lips, holding her face that was wet from the water as I hugged my legs around her body. “Thank you.”

 

She didn’t take her hands off of my body as they touched every inch of my skin, pulling me in closer for a kiss. She paused just before our mouths touched and I could feel her breath on my skin, teasing me and not even knowing it. I couldn’t wait any longer, though, not with her hands feeling me up like this. I sucked her bottom lip into my mouth and she kissed me hard, our moans mixing in with the sounds of the water splashing. I squeezed my legs tighter at the arousal growing in my core and raked my fingertips down her back.

 

“Oh my god, Tegan,” I husked, breaking the kiss for air and made eye contact. Her cheeks were flush and pulse fast; she made me dizzy and I think I do that to her, too.

 

“You’re so beautiful, Sare,” she vocalized as she worked to catch her breath and pulled at the material of my bottoms just above my hips. Her hands on my skin there did things to my body that only she would know. “I could kiss your lips until tomorrow morning. Fuck, I just can’t get enough of you,” I tightened my arms around her as she squeezed my butt. 

 

I could tell she was getting really turned on, but there wasn’t much to do about it since we were technically in public. At least as far as I know she wouldn’t try and do anything. I did kind of like just making out with her and it not leading to anything. We were able to take our time with each other and show our affection in a non-sexual way.

 

“Then kiss my lips until tomorrow morning,” I said in breaks every time our lips detached from one another.

 

She giggled a cute, high-pitched laugh into my ear and broke the kiss. “Be careful what you wish for,” she said. “I don’t think you know how serious I am.”

 

“Oh yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” she looked as if she was reminiscing. “If only you remembered the beginning of us getting together. We used to just stay in bed for hours together; making love or just kissing or holding each other…literally for hours.”

 

“Back when we never told anyone, right? God, I was probably so scared,” I thought about it.

 

“You were terrified.”

 

“I was?”

 

“Yes,” she smiled. “And you would get so mad at me when I tried to be realistic about us. When I said that you were probably better off with Stacy and that I didn’t want to get in between you two. That I just wanted you to be happy. I said I’d respect whatever decision you made, but your mind was already made up on being with me. We just had no idea how that was going to work.”

 

“Was I difficult?”

 

“Yes,” she had a tinge of playfulness in her voice, but my eyes were wide and apologetic at the answer. 

 

“We got into a ton of fights. Mostly in the beginning. Some of them were so bad that we’d have to get one of the guys to break us up. You would always insist that this was too much for me and just try to provoke me. Just begging for me to end things between us, ‘give up on us’, you would always say. 

 

“God, this one time before soundcheck you wouldn’t stop fucking hitting me and I was so fucking mad at you, so I did it. I said ‘we’re done.’ And you just lost it, saying how much you hated me and for me to take it back and that I didn’t mean it. We were so fucking crazy; we were just so fucking in love with each other and terrified out of our minds about it and had no idea how to express it. We both just had so much to figure out. And we did.”

 

“That sounds like me. God, I’m such an asshole. I’m sorry.”

 

“We were both unreasonable at times, trust me,” she promised.

 

“You must have really loved me even then to deal with all my manipulation, though,” I attested.

 

“You were never manipulative!” She laughed and the conversation became light-hearted again. “Just scared. And yes, even then. Believe it or not, there was a time when you were the one impatiently waiting for me to say it. And you were the one who would just randomly say ‘I love you,’ without expecting me to reciprocate. Then one day I just said it. And your reaction was so cute.”

 

“I like these stories.”

 

“I like telling them,” she bantered back.

 

“Good.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Stop talking.”

 

“Mhm,” she pressed her chest against mine and pushed me up onto the edge of the pool, my hands helping to prop myself up out of the water. I stumbled back and pulled her up out of the water so she was on top of me. One of her thighs were between my legs and my feet were on the ground.

 

I couldn’t help but moan in pleasure at the way that she touched me and kissed me. Her love for me was so obvious in the way that she traced her tongue along my lips and her fingertips along my ribs. She had me in complete rapture.

 

My sister kissed me one last time on the lips before trailing her mouth downward. She kept fumbling with my bikini as if she wanted to remove it, but knowing she couldn’t. She stopped at my ribs and looked extremely bothered.

 

“Tee,” I husked. “Stop torturing yourself and take me back to our room. Make love to me.”


	78. Vermilion

**Tegan**

 

What I’m about to tell you is probably going to hurt you, especially if you’re as invested in this as I am. You’re probably going to question my intentions and my love for Sara, which is exactly what I’ve been doing. Even though I tell her how unconditionally in love with her I am and mean that from the very core of my soul every single day. You’ll wonder what in the world caused me to let what happen happened, when it so easily could have been avoided.

 

Last night I made love to Sara, but you know that already. That I was overwhelmed by her beyond belief that we had to go back to the room. It was four in the morning, but that didn’t phase me. She was exhausted, too, but that didn’t matter either. I still remember the way that she looked at me with her innocent brown eyes and squeezed my hand when she couldn’t take anymore.

 

We played a second show in Greece today. We seem to have built a pretty substantial fanbase in the country to do that. The show went well and Sara’s nerves about the fans knowing had just about subsided. And I was happy to see that; we were so silly on stage and she did cute things during our banter.  

 

Sara walked onto the stage and purposely bumped into me as she did, snickering to the crowd about how funny she thought she was being. I had to let out a smile, too, as I squeezed her waist and turned her away to her side of the stage. She talked more, smiled more and cracked more jokes in between our songs. It was good to see her so comfortable about us.

 

“That was such an incredible show, guys!” Emy greeted us backstage with heaping excitement.

 

“You were so good!” Sawyer interrupted as she agreed with Emy. “Tegan, you kill me every time you mess up the lyrics.”

 

“I can’t help it, I always mess up something.” I grabbed Sara’s hand as I spoke with her. “Your set was good, too. You didn’t mess up once. Nice. I guess we could learn a thing or two from you.”

 

“You probably could,” she winked at me. “We’ve got drinks backstage, come hang out with us. You guys must be ready to kick back and let loose right about now.”

 

“You had me at drinks,” I said as I walked backstage to the fridge that was filled with alcohol.

 

“Hey, Tee,” Sara sounded small and tired. “I have a pounding headache. I’m gonna grab a cab back to the hotel.”

 

“Oh, let me come with you--”

 

“No, please, just have fun tonight. It started mid-show and I thought it would go away by now. I know you’d love to just hang out and socialize tonight. You’ve been looking forward to it. I’ll call you when I’m back and safe.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Positive.”

 

“Okay, sweetheart. If it gets unbearable, please call me--I’d rather take care of you if you’re not feeling well than be here,” I reminded her.

 

“It won’t get unbearable. I’ll take something for it when I get back. Just have fun tonight, baby. I’m sure I just need to rest it off.”

 

“If you think so. Well, let me wait with you at least…”

 

We sat on the curb outside and I hoped that the fresh air would help her head. Within five minutes of waiting or so, the cab came. I kissed my sister on the forehead and told her to let me know once she got home safe for the millionth time. I was going to be thinking about her all night.

 

“Where’s Sara?” Emy asked as I walked back inside

 

“She has a headache and told me to stay here and hang out,” I felt guilty immediately as I told her that. “I should have gone with her, shouldn’t I?”

 

“Don’t feel bad,” she comforted me. “It’s not like she was using some reverse psychology on you. I think she just didn’t want to ruin your night.”

 

“Yeah. I guess you’re right, Em.”

 

“Of course I am. Let me grab you a drink. What would you like?”

 

“You’re drinking wine? Fancy. I’ll have what you’re having.”

 

I sat on the couch next to Sawyer, she was probably onto her second bottle of wine now. I know it sounds classy with the amount of wine that we’ve been drinking, but it wasn’t at all. Being wine-drunk is probably one of the most helpless kinds of drunk you can be, at least speaking on behalf of myself.

 

“Hey!” She carried the greeting with excess excitement. “Where’s your sis?”

 

“She wasn’t feeling well so I got her a cab back to the hotel,” I tilted my head to the side and pursed my lips, still wishing she asked me to come with her.

 

“Oh, that’s too bad. Poured you a glass, by the way.” she slid the wine glass in my direction on the table.

 

I touched the glass reluctantly with my fingers. “It’s okay, Emy’s coming back with one for me.”

 

“Looks like you have two glasses to drink, then,” she smiled.

 

“Yeah,” I laughed back. “Looks that way.”

 

“Sawyer, are you trying to get my best friend drunk?” Emy remarked as she set down the glass she just poured for me.

 

“Are you trying to help me?” She shot back.

 

“I wouldn’t do such a thing.”

 

The music was loud, the conversation was stimulating and the bottles were going quick. As soon as my glass became empty, Sawyer was quick to refill it. I think I was on my fifth now and I was really starting to feel it.

 

I became less and less the spotlight of the conversation the more drunk I got. I even started dissociating a bit and with how tired I got. My phone buzzed on the table and I grabbed it to check what the notification was from.

 

Sara texted me. _I’m home baby. Hope you’re having a great time,_ it read with multiple heart emojis following it.

 

“Tegan!” Sawyer grabbed my arm and I set my phone down, distracting me from replying to Sara. “You have just as many tattoos as me, what’s that one mean?”

 

“Oh, I got this one with my ex. Hers said _me and you_ ,” it didn’t even bother me to talk about Lindsey anymore.

 

“Would you ever get it covered?” She asked.

 

“Nah, each tattoo tells a story.”

 

“You’re right,” she said as she touched the ink along my arm and examined the rest of them. “Hmm, your body’s so soft.”

 

That was a weird compliment to me, but I was pretty wasted to overthink it. “Thanks,” I said as it was almost a question and finishing my glass.

 

She looked at me with a devilish smile, laughing under her breath as she poured me another glass of wine.

 

“Whoa!” Emy exclaimed as she watched me take another. “Did you want another glass, Tee?”

 

“Yeah, she does,” she poured the rest of that bottle into my glass.

 

“I should be fine drinking another,” I thought I knew my limit.

 

I didn’t.

 

My eyes were starting to close and I fought to keep them open. Everyone else was involved in their own conversations. Jasper and Ted were here, too, but I couldn’t make out where they were. I felt Emy rubbing my arm and I knew she was doing it out of concern for me.

 

“I’m thinking of calling it a night soon. Want to grab a ride together?” She asked as she nudged me.

 

“Oh it’s okay, Emy. I can bring her back, it’s no trouble,” Sawyer insisted.

 

I wish Emy didn’t listen to her so easily.

 

“Alright. Well...as long as you’re okay with that, Tee.”

 

“Mhm,” I murmured. “I’ll probably just stay for one more drink.”

 

“Alright, don’t stay up too late. You’ve got your girl back at the hotel waiting up for you,” she said as she got up and left.

 

She said it like I forgot. Sara was on my mind all night.

 

Emy’s cab was here and Ted and Jasper decided to grab a ride with her for, since they were all at our hotel anyway. They suggested I go with them, too, which seemed most logical, but Sawyer insisted she didn’t want to cab alone at this hour and she’d make sure I get dropped off first.

 

I really wish they brought me with them.

 

They were all gone now and had given me hugs and squeezes goodbye. The music was still loud, but the crowd had died. Sawyer poured me yet another glass and my head dropped onto her shoulder to rest.

 

“Here,” she shoved the glass in my face. “You don’t want to waste it. Drink it.”

 

We laughed at how drunk we were and I took more sips just as she ordered. She was making bedroom eyes at me and I was seven glasses too drunk to notice. I just kept my head planted on her shoulder and she took it as a go ahead to interlace her fingers in mine. The only thing going through my mind was that it was comfortable and I wanted to sleep. I knew what was happening, but I didn’t. It paralyzed me in a way.

 

“You want to go to bed?” She mumbled in a drunk voice.

 

“Mhm,” I nodded my head with closed eyes.

 

“Finish your drink,” she shoved it to my face again. “I’ll get us a cab.”

 

“Okay,” I barely let out the response completely.

 

“I’m so turned on right now,” she massaged my hand and touched my leg, feeling me up a bit. Paralysis had me frozen now and she kept going once we got in the car. Her words meant nothing to me and I was more focused on falling asleep against her shoulder.

 

“Come,” she said as she helped me out of the car, holding my hand. “Come in.”

 

She didn’t take me back to my hotel--we were at hers.

 

I set my phone on the dresser and noticed that I must have made a call to Sara. That or she called me and I accidentally picked it up.

 

“Sara?” I answered the phone in confusion.

 

“Baby. Hi,” She was crying on the other end, she sounded scared. “You never responded to my texts so I got worried. I don’t know what came over me, but my mind couldn’t stop thinking about what you were doing.” She sounded hysterical on the other end.

 

“Oh sweetheart, it’s okay.”

 

“You sound really drunk. Who are you with?” Sara’s tone was still coated with concern.

 

“I’m with Sawyer, we just cabbed it to her hotel. I’m about to leave now.”

 

“By yourself at this hour? You should have gotten someone else to stay with you so you could come back together!”

 

“It’s okay baby, I’m okay to grab one by myself.”

 

“Tee, you sound plastered. Does she have a couch you can sleep on?”

 

“Yeah, she does.”

 

“Sleep it off and come home first thing tomorrow morning.”

 

I looked around the room, I just wanted to sleep. I was exhausted. She was laying on the bed and gawking at me, listening in on our conversation.

 

“I’m sorry I was so worried, baby. I trust you, okay?”

 

“I know you do. I love you, Sare.”

 

“See you in the morning, baby.”

 

I don’t even deserve an ‘I love you’ from her anymore. I can’t believe I am so stupid. I should have just fucking went home, despite how wasted I was.

 

Sara hung up and I went to lay down on Sawyer's bed and pulled the blankets over me. She started to feel me up and I did nothing about it. I just stayed there, frozen. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.

 

 _What Sara doesn’t know won’t hurt her. This doesn’t matter because I love her and she’ll never find out_ is all that ran through my inebriated mind. To me, it made logical sense at the time, when all I cared about was going to sleep. But what I didn’t consider was the harrowing, unbearable guilt I was going to feel afterwards, regardless of what this all meant.

 

Sawyer climbed overtop of me and kissed me. She was beyond drunk and a horrible kisser, which I thought was hilarious at the time because the whole night she talked about what a good lover she is, to which I showed absolutely no interest. In fact, I talked about Sara the entire time and how in love with her I am.

 

This doesn’t take away from the fact that I take complete responsibility over tonight and what happened, but for Sawyer to try that hard to get me drunk and insist I go home with her after she saw Sara and I together and listened to me talking about her all night--that was an incredibly scummy thing to do.

 

I was nearly repulsed at the way she kissed me, but of course intoxicated me didn’t move. How could I not fucking move? I’ll never forgive myself for this. She took off my shirt and kissed my nipples rather forcefully. She was in a sports bra and boxers now and started to finger me as she grunted in pleasure.

 

“Fuck, I want to fuck you so bad,” she mumbled as she continued to bang my body against the headboard.

 

I let out the faintest moan, but all I could think about was Sara. I didn’t enjoy this at all; I didn’t want to be here.

 

She had no acknowledgement of my emotions whatsoever and was getting way too into it. She grabbed my hand and shoved it into her boxers, forcing me to touch her. That’s what crossed the line for me, I didn’t want to touch her.

 

Apparently I just don’t know how to say no.

 

She was getting off at my fingers rubbing her clit and sounded like she hit her climax, which was surprisingly quick. I don’t think she’s the kind of lesbian who would receive, though.

 

“Ugh, fuck. Oh my god.” She had her hands on either sides of my shoulders and looked at me after she calmed down. “God, you’re so beautiful. What do you want, baby?”

 

“I don’t know,” I said, trying to look like I wasn’t completely disgusted right now.

 

“Come on,” she kissed the corners of my mouth. “I’ll do anything you want me to.”

 

“Oh,” I cringed. “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah, a girl like you? Fuck, you’re so fucking hot.”

 

“Thanks,” I awkwardly laughed.

 

“You’re not into this, are you?”

 

“No...I’m not. You know I’m in love with Sara.”

 

“Then why are you here?” She looked at me, I almost felt gaslighted by her.

 

“You got me drunk and took me back to your hotel room when I asked you to bring me to mine,” I was taken aback by her words, making this seem like it was my idea.

 

“You could have left when you got here,” she ascertained and I had no words at the way she treated me. She didn’t care about my feelings or my relationship, she just wanted to get in my pants. “Come on, you don’t really love her.”

 

“Yes, I do,” I corrected her.

 

“You’re not happy. I see it in your eyes. You can do better; I can treat you better than she can.”

 

I was incredibly offended and didn’t want to start arguing.

 

“I am happy; I love her so much. This was just a mistake,” I told her and myself.

 

“Alright, well...I would totally date you if you weren’t with her.”

 

“Okay,” I rolled over and grabbed the blankets, I just wanted to sleep this off and go home to my sister.

 

A few hours later, I woke up to pitch black and Sawyer sleeping a little closer to me than I wanted. _Oh my god,_ I thought to myself as my conscience really sank in. I cheated on Sara. My stomach dropped and I got up out of the bed as quiet as I could. It sickened me to look at Sawyer as all the memories of last night started to come back.  

 

I grabbed my cell phone and the rest of my things, looking at Sara’s last text message to me that I didn’t respond to.

 

_I’m home baby. Hope you’re having a great time._

 

I tiptoed out of her room and made sure I had all of my things before cautiously shutting the door behind me. It made a bang when I closed it, but I didn’t give a shit. I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.

 

There was a taxi waiting right outside of the hotel. I got in, trying to hold myself together until I reached mine.

 

“Divani Caravel, please,” was the only thing I said to the driver. He got the hint that I didn’t want to talk, probably thinking I was just some typical hungover passenger who overdid the partying last night.

 

Which I guess I was.

 

It took about twenty minutes to get back and it was still pitch black out. I checked my phone for the time and it was almost five in the morning. I could barely hold myself together any longer and I felt so empty..

 

I’m sure you could imagine, not like I expect any sympathy right now. I did this to myself.

 

I got out and tipped the driver, noticing I was definitely still drunk as I stumbled into the lobby and up the elevator to my room. I opened the door as quietly as I could so I didn’t wake Sara. I made out her silhouette ever so faintly as she was curled up alone in the king size bed.

 

She looked so peaceful and calm and sound asleep. I cautiously walked past the bed and the kitchen over to the bathroom. I had to get the smell of alcohol and Sawyer off of me, hoping it would rid me of this searing feeling of betrayal in my gut.

 

Which of course it didn’t.

 

So here I am now, washed and soaked from head to toe and sitting on the floor of the shower. Knees hugged into my chest and in tears as the waterfall poured down my face. She couldn’t hear me bawling my eyes out with the water on. There’s absolutely no excuse for what I let happen tonight and I can’t believe I did.

 

I cheated on my soulmate.

 

Our relationship is tainted now, and she did nothing to make it that way. She did nothing to trigger my disloyalty and what we had will never be the same. I don’t know how I’m going to live with this decision I made. How could I have purposely ruined something that was going so perfectly?

 

This was being beaten to death in my head and my fingertips were starting to prune. I couldn’t stay in here forever, I soon realized. I was going to have to face sleeping next to her and looking her in the eyes like nothing happened. At least that’s my plan for now, until I sorted everything out. I’m going to go crazy over this.

 

I turned off the water and grabbed the towel, drying my hair and patting down my face and my body. I looked in the mirror and all I thought was _cheater, scum_ and _disgusting_ when I saw myself. I couldn’t love myself. I grabbed one of Sara’s shirts that she slept in the other day because it still had her smell on it and I needed that more than ever right now.

 

“Mm, hi baby,” I could hear the joy in Sara’s voice as I got into bed and cuddled up next to her.

 

“Hi, Sare,” I reciprocated and she turned her body around to face me.

 

“You showered?”

 

“Yeah. I’m still a little drunk so I thought it would help, and I didn’t want to smell like alcohol next to you while you slept.”

 

“Well, aren’t you sweet?” She giggled lazily and half-asleep. “Did you just get back?”

 

“Yeah,” I held her hand as it searched for mine, her other brushing my cheek. Luckily I just showered so she couldn’t tell I had been crying. “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, so I came back as soon as I could.”

 

Well, that wasn’t a lie.

 

“Aw, baby.” She pressed her face to my cheek and I could feel her smiling. “I’m glad we’re off tomorrow...for your sake. You’re going to be so hungover.”

 

I laughed awkwardly. “Yeah. How’s your head?”

 

“So much better.”

 

“Good,” I kissed her on the forehead with shaky, tear-coated lips.

 

“You’re probably exhausted, Tee. I’ll let you get some sleep. I’ll take care of you when your head’s pounding in the morning, okay?”

 

She’s so caring and selfless, it made me want to cry. “Oh, you don’t have to do that. You’re too good to me, Sare.”

 

“I know you’d do the same for me,” she gave me a tender kiss on the mouth. “Okay. Get some rest, baby.”

 

“Okay,” she had her arms wrapped around me tightly. I had a numbness in my stomach now and I felt so helpless.

 

“I love you, Tegan.”

 

I nodded my head, pressing my lips together not to let out a whimper. My nose was so stuffed from crying that I could barely breathe. If she didn’t know I was crying before, she definitely knew now.

 

“Yeah?” I sobbed out loud, “I love you _so_ much, princess.”


	79. Candor

**Tegan**

 

Well, my heart is shattered. My sister finally mustered up the trust to tell me she loves me after her accident and she wouldn’t have done that if she knew what I was doing tonight. The physical pain was just about unbearable as soon as those three words came out of her mouth. I didn’t deserve those words. I wasn’t worthy of her love anymore.

 

She was quick to fall asleep; all that filled the room was her innocent, sleepy breaths and my tears as they hit the pillow. I felt bad to touch her, but I did. I wanted to hold her and caress her soft skin, and I did it apologetically for all of the hurt I had caused. I guess what she doesn’t know really doesn’t hurt her, but god, it was killing me inside.

 

“I’m sorry, baby,” I mouthed to her and kissed her forehead. “I love you so fucking much.”

 

\--

 

The smell of coffee woke me up and I felt like shit the second I became conscious to my surroundings. I opened my eyes to my sister’s loving face, triggering flashbacks from last night’s unfaithfulness.

 

I had to get my shit together.

 

“Mm, good morning, Sare,” I wiped the sleep out from my eyes and sat up, groggy and hungover. “You actually got me breakfast? You’re so sweet.”

 

“I told you I’d take care of you when your head’s pounding. Which I’m sure it is...you look pretty terrible,” she examined my face. My eyes must have been bloodshot from crying and my hair was a mess since I didn’t do anything to it after I showered.

 

“I kind of want to die,” I wasn’t lying.

 

Sara laughed and squeezed my thigh. “Well, please don’t. Just chill today.”

 

“I will,” I rolled my eyes back and slammed my head lightly against the headboard. “Ugh, my fucking head.”

 

My sister put the back of her hand against my forehead. “Let me get you something for that,” she offered, grabbing her bag and looking for some medicine.

 

“You’re so good to me,” I groaned in discomfort, mostly talking to myself.

 

“Yeah,” she came back with a glass of water, putting two pills in my hand and kissing me on the forehead. “I know.”

 

I slowly sipped my coffee and had a few bites of breakfast until my stomach couldn’t handle any more food. Sara finished whatever I didn’t on my plate and seemed totally okay with the fact that I wasn’t so talkative this morning. I think there was a big part of her that was in a bit of an infatuation stage since she finally told me how she felt about me last night. She couldn’t really read me properly right now.

 

But I don’t even want to think about that. I felt like the worst human being in the world when she told me she loved me, so undeserving and unworthy of it. My heart sank and stomach tightened at the recollection of it just now.

 

“Hey, Sare. Um, I think I’m gonna run myself a bath. Maybe it’ll make me feel better.”

 

“Okay, baby. Want me to join you?” She offered.

 

“No, no, it’s okay,” I almost panicked. “I don’t want you to see me all gross and hungover anymore than you already have.”

 

“Yeah, you’re just  _ so  _ disgusting,” she spoke sarcastically as I got up out of bed. “I hope you feel better after, baby.”

 

I reciprocated the laugh awkwardly and trudged over to the other side of the penthouse to the bathroom. I was anxious to run the water so I had an opportunity to hide my cries that I couldn’t hold in any longer. “Fuck,” I cursed and cried. “It hurts so fucking bad.”

 

My clothes were thrown messily onto the floor and I sank my body into the bathtub. Once the water filled the tub enough, I bawled hard with my head underwater when I knew I was going to be really loud. I couldn’t help it--what I did was so wrong and unlike me.

 

Sara and I are a partnership, we do things as a team. And I know I shouldn’t keep her in the dark about this, especially with how much it’s killing me inside. I just don’t know what to do. If I tell her, she’ll worry; she will question my integrity, my trust and my feelings for her, and I absolutely adore her and love her exactly as I tell her every single day. It would break our relationship and do no good at all. If I don’t tell her, I’m a pretty fucking sleazy partner and that’s all there is to that.

 

Breaking me from my spiraling thoughts, my phone buzzed on the ledge of the bathtub.

 

_ Sawyer: Hey :) It was cool getting to know you better last night. We should hang out after the show tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you again. _

 

Scummiest text I’ve ever read and zero concern for my relationship with Sara. “You are so not touring with us anymore, Sawyer,” I attested under my breath as the water ran. Hell or high water, she’s done with us.

 

I turned off the water with my feet and just sat in the tub, cried a lot and dried my eyes until about an hour had passed and I was getting sick of pitying myself. I needed to be with my girl and not make matters any worse than they are. She’s going to be worried if I keep doing things like this that aren’t me.

 

I pulled the plug and watched the water quickly drain and then I got out. I realized I had forgotten clean clothes and went over to the main room where I kept my suitcase.

 

“Oh, Emy!” She startled me as I stood in front of her in nothing but a towel. My eyes glanced over to her and Sara chatting on the couch. “Hi, what are you doing here?”

 

“Emy has some new art designs she wants to show us. Get dressed and come here so you can see them,” Sara urged me.

 

“Okay, just a sec,” I dug into my suitcase for an outfit I hadn’t worn in a while and jutted over to the bedroom. I quickly got dressed in light denim and an oversized white T-shirt, putting on some makeup and drying my hair. I never really wear makeup, especially foundation, but I had to use concealer under my eyes to hide that I’ve been crying. I kept it in my pocket just in case I needed it again today.

 

“Look at these, Tee! I’m so proud of them!” Emy beamed as she heard me walking out of the bedroom, to which I barely gave a reaction until I sat down beside Sara.

 

“Wow, they look amazing, Em. People are going to love these,” I added my input.

 

“Right?” Sara chimed in. “That’s what I was saying, too.”

 

Emy kept looking at me even as Sara was going on and on about the designs, analyzing me.

 

“What do you like about them, Tee?” Emy asked.

 

“They’re unique,” I gave in my input again, robotically almost, extremely absent from the conversation. “I can always count on you for that. It’s my favourite thing about your work.”

 

She studied me again. “You hungover?”

 

“Very,” Sara squeezed my hand as I kept it to myself on my lap.

 

Emy didn’t take her eyes off of me. “Hey, Sare...mind if I steal Tegan and get her some fresh air and a tea? There’s a place just down the street I saw that I’d love to take her to. I’ll have her back in an hour or so.”

 

“Am I ever gonna spend time with her today?” Sara sighed playfully. 

 

“You always have her! Let me have some time with her for once,” she jested back.

 

Sara looked at me a smiled. “Only if you bring me my favourite back.”

 

“Anything for you, baby.” I went along and just wasn’t there mentally anymore, but I smiled.

 

Emy shut the door behind her and kept trying to make eye contact with me, but I looked down the entire time. I couldn’t help it, I wasn’t proud of myself at all right now.

 

“How’s it going, Tee?” She asked as she held the elevator door open for me, already digging for answers.

 

I looked at her finally, refusing to speak because I would have shattered into a million pieces if I did. Not even a ‘good’ would have kept me from crying.

 

“Tee…” she sympathized, “...I know that look. Please talk to me.”

 

I shook my head back and forth at her slowly, lips pursed and eyes watering. I shut my eyes tight and tears started coming, body shaking and hands to my face now. I didn’t want to fall apart in the lobby, I had to hold it in until we went somewhere more private. She understood that from my expression, too.

 

“I fucked up, Em.” We were outside and she pulled me over to a place where it was quiet just beside the hotel. My voice grew a little louder, “I fucked up so fucking bad.”

 

Emy didn’t say anything and just listened; she was waiting for me to continue. She knew what I was about to say.

 

“I cheated on Sara,” I began to bawl out hysterically, screaming and just about lost my shit. “It didn’t mean anything, Em, it literally didn’t fucking mean anything! I was so fucking drunk! And it hurts so fucking bad.”

 

Emy’s face became overwhelmed with distress and sympathy.

 

“I love her so much, Emy. She means the world to me. I don’t know why I didn’t fucking _ leave!” _ I emphasized and went on as she stayed quiet. “I love her so fucking much.”

 

“Tee…” she reached her hand out and squeezed my arm as my breakdown continued while we stood in an alleyway surrounding the hotel.

 

“If I don’t tell her I’m gonna go crazy. And if I do tell her, she’s going to hate me.”

 

“Tee...she’s not going to hate you,” Emy finally responded, feeling extremely sorry for me.

 

She let me explain the entire situation without interrupting and we walked to the coffee shop once I could breathe properly. Her hand was comforting as it stayed around my shoulders and we walked to the cafe she was telling Sara about.

 

When we got to the coffee shop, we found a quiet place in the corner in case I had to have another episode again. Which I probably will, considering this situation. Emy came back with two teas and looked me right in the eyes.

 

“Don’t tell her.”

 

“What?” I was thrown off by her advice.

 

“Do you have feelings for Sawyer?” She asked openly.

 

“No way!” I got defensive and was taken aback by such a stupid question that she so obviously knew the answer to.

 

“Then don’t tell her,” she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. “You love Sara to death and that encounter didn’t mean anything. I saw how she kept shoving alcohol in your face, but I didn’t think she would actually try something. You know, since clearly your Sara’s and she should have a professional relationship with you guys. That’s just really fucked up of her to do that,” she advised.

 

“I can’t do that, Em. It’s easy to say and I get what you’re saying, but I just can’t lie to her like that.”

 

“Tee, telling her won’t make this any better. Just sweep this one under the rug,” she tried to convince me again.

 

“Em, are you crazy?”

 

“Tegan,  _ I know,  _ but that was last night and it’s over and it will never happen again.  _ And _ you were drunk out of your mind. It’s  _ never going to happen again _ and you know that. You are not a cheater. You’re going to have to sweep this one under the rug, accept it and let it go. Sara’s not hurting right now--you are. So just forgive yourself and be done with it.”

 

“You’re out of your mind! Oh and look! She sent me a message,” I said as I put my phone on the table so Emy could read it. “Like, are you serious? Does she really think I’m gonna say yes to that?!” I was beyond disgusted.

 

“You’re not letting her tour with you guys anymore, are you?” She asked.

 

“No way in hell! Not with the way she disrespected me like that.” I hissed.

 

“Good for you, Tegan. When are you gonna call her?”

 

“Uhh...can you do it?”

 

“Are you out of  _ your  _ mind? No!”

 

“Come on, you’re our art director.”

 

“Exactly. I’m your art director, not your  _ tour manager!”  _ She defended. 

 

“Ugh, fine…” I had to get this over with and handle this situation like a responsible adult.

 

I sighed as I uncomfortably dialed her number, listening to it ring a few times. I really didn’t want her to pick up and got excited when I thought she wasn’t going to.

 

“Oh, hey Tegan.” Sawyer picked up on the other end in a playful and suggestive tone.

 

“Sawyer...listen...you’re done touring with us,” I just came out and said it.

 

I was pretty riled up and angry after reiterating it all to Emy.

 

“Are you kidding? We just started and I’m touring with you until the end of the tour!” She sounded confused, but seriously, how could she not be expecting this?

 

“I’m not kidding; you can pack up your things and go home. We don’t need you anymore.”

 

“Come on, Tee. Last night was fun, no need to get weird about it,” she said nonchalantly.

 

“You took advantage of me last night and disrespected my relationship with Sara!”

 

“Relax, no one said she has to know. I’m not gonna tell her.”

 

“Well, I’m not that kind of person, okay? So don’t expect that there’s a slot for you at tomorrow’s show. Or any of them,” I said.

 

“Whatever, Tegan. You’re totally blowing this out of proportion. It was all in good fun.”

 

“I respect her. So no, I am  _ not  _ blowing this out of proportion and no it was not all in good fun,” I corrected her and left her with a threat. “If you ever try to come between Sara and I like that ever again, I will ruin your fucking career.”

 

“Alright, alright, I won’t be there.” She leveled and responded as if I was overreacting. “Just take it easy, okay? God...”

 

“Good riddance, Sawyer.” I hung up the phone and stared at Emy, overwhelmed and done. I wasn’t sure how I was going to explain tomorrow’s lack of a performance lineup to Sara.

 

“Don’t tell her,” she reminded, going back to the subject of keeping this whole thing from Sara and emphasized each word slowly.

 

“Emy, you don’t understand. I can’t do that. I don’t lie.”

 

“It’s almost redundant to tell her. It’s just going to upset her when she has no need to be upset. And you love her. End of story,” Emy pushed again.

 

“You don’t think I’m a bad person?” I asked vulnerably.

 

“Absolutely not! I feel awful that I didn’t intervene. I wish I did, Tee. I should have known better when I saw her pouring wine into your glass whenever I looked over,” she apologized.

 

“Yeah...me too.”

 

“So what are you gonna do?”

 

I thought about it and all of the points Emy raised, swallowed hard and looked at her. “I guess I won’t tell her.”

 

\--

 

I brought back Sara’s favourite tea just as she asked of me. For the first time since the affair I felt okay. Emy’s right--I do love Sara. Not that that was ever a question, but that just meant that what happened with Sawyer doesn’t matter. It was a mistake and she’s gone now for good.

 

Sara and I had the rest of the day to pack our things for Macedonia. In addition to ordering room service, that’s all we did. I know Emy would have told me to just forget it happened because it didn’t mean anything, but I wasn’t going to forget, at least for tonight. Sara kept hinting at having sex, but I just couldn’t bring myself to doing it. It felt so wrong and like I wasn’t being true to her, which technically I wasn’t.

 

“Come on, Tee...it’s our last night here.” My sister went from hinting to begging now as she pulled at my shirt.

 

“Not tonight, baby.” Ugh, I sounded like such a sleeze ball. “My head’s killing me.”

 

“Emy took you out for nothing,” she complained as she subtly felt me up overtop of my clothes. “You know, there’s a study that found orgasms relieve migraine pain and cluster headaches.”

 

“Is that so?” I didn’t want her cornering me like this right now.

 

“Mhm. Very much so,” she attested as she crept her hands under my shirt and kissed me. “So you can just lay down and I’ll make your head feel better…”

 

“Mm, Sare. Not tonight,” I interrupted the kiss and felt awful to reject her like this. “I’m so sorry, hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow.”

 

“Hopefully,” Sara looked let down. “We’ll be on the road anyways. We won’t be able to do anything. And then we have to set up for the show as soon as we get there. You’ll be exhausted afterwards.”

 

“I’m sorry, Sare.” I didn’t know how I was going to feel about this tomorrow. So I left it at that.

 

Sara and I called it an early night since we had to be up at five in the morning the next day and meet everyone at the tour bus at six. Well, I guess I called it an early night and Sara unhappily went along with it. We cuddled all night and she kept her hands at my most intimate body parts, hoping that I would change my mind about relieving my headache.

 

“Baby, no…” I had to reject her again as our bodies were pressed up against each other. “Not tonight.”

 

She kept her hand inside my shirt and kept sinking down to kiss me there, tormenting herself even after denying her countless times. I listened to her cursing under her breath and in my ear as I rested my head on her chest. Eventually, I slipped my leg in between hers and noticed how unbelievably wet she was. She was definitely hurting right now.

 

Once she fell asleep, I took her hands off of my breasts and around my waist as we held each other. It felt better this way. I whispered an incessant amount of  _ I love you _ ’s in her ear; I struggled to get to sleep again tonight, but it wasn’t as bad as yesterday.

 

Our alarm woke us up first thing in the morning. We showered, grabbed a quick breakfast and brought our suitcases down to the lobby and into the tour bus. Sara and I got there first and waited for the rest of them. I joined Sara in her bunk as she laid down and read a book. I rested my head on her chest and laid beside her, trying to get some more sleep in, but of course my mind was wandering about the obvious.

 

I heard Emy come in as she was talking loudly and laughing with Ted and Jasper. How could she be so cheerful when she knew about what I did?

 

“Shhh!” Sara hushed and Emy opened the curtain, purposely being obnoxious.

 

“Oh,  _ I’m  _ sorry miss--” she took a look at Sara and I, giving a second look to me. “Aww, you guys are  _ so  _ cute.”

 

“Adorable. Alright Em, are you in or out?” Sara spoke with a tone of unamused.

 

“You’re inviting me in?” She acted surprised and flattered. “I can’t pass up cuddling with you guys. And Tegan’s totally got the right idea; I’m still half asleep.”

 

Emy crawled into our bunk, as tight as it was, and fit herself between the wall and my body. I turned around to face her because I knew she was going to want to talk.

 

She pulled up the blanket and looked me in the eyes. “You okay?” She mouthed.

 

I pressed my lips together and nodded ever so slightly, a tear birthing from my eyes.

 

Emy raised her hand to my face and wiped it. “No,” she mouthed again. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

 

“I know,” I nodded again. “I know.”

 

“Turn around,” she gestured. “Go to sleep on her. Hold her. Love her.”

 

I pressed my lips together again to hold back tears. “Okay. I love you. Thank you.”

 

“Okay, this was fun but this bunk is too small for a party this size. I’ll miss you guys; don’t forget your friends are on this bus. No funny business,” she jabbed as she shimmied her way out of the bunk.

 

“Ha ha. Good one, Em.” Sara pushed her glasses up from the bridge of her nose as she kept her focus on the book and not listening to what Emy was saying.

 

I sat up a bit and put my arm around my sister, letting her head fall to my chest as she kept her book in her hands. “Hey Sare, I love you.”

 

She looked breathless as her eyes lit up in elation, taking her focus away from her book finally. “I love you, too, baby.”

 

\--

 

“Where’s Sawyer?” A confused Sara asked. “Shouldn’t she be here by now? Her set’s in an hour.”

 

Emy looked at me as our crew walked past us, getting our instruments tuned and all that background stuff. “She’s not touring with us anymore,” I responded after a long pause.

 

“Oh, why not?”

 

“We just decided it wasn’t going to work out.”

 

“She try to make a move on you or something?” She asked out of the blue.

 

“No. Definitely not,” I said seriously and tried to sound extremely nonchalant. Like she was crazy to think of that possibility.

 

“Okay,” Sara raised her brows and shrugged her shoulders.

 

I was a bit off during the show and I think Sara may have finally picked up on it. She carried most of the banters and poked fun at me between songs to get a smile or any kind of reaction out of me. The entire time I kept my focus on hitting the right notes and trying to be as out of my head as possible, I noticed she would keep looking over at me to ‘check in’ on me.

 

We came out for an encore and waved goodbye to the crowd. I’m sure Sara wasn’t the only one who noticed my being off today. I went through the motions of acting excited and present with everyone, but you could definitely see the sadness in my eyes if you looked at me long enough.

 

I had my head down as I walked out and Sara followed behind me, squeezing me as soon as we disappeared from the crowd. Her arms hugged around my waist and I held them. “Good show, baby,” she kissed my cheek right below my temple.

 

My mind was an emotional rollercoaster right now. I felt angry, sad and everything in between. I didn’t want to have this guilt feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore. “Good show, Sare,” I reciprocated as she pulled me to the tour bus.

 

We got to our new room, suitcases in hand and left them by the door for tomorrow to unpack. We had about two more nights here until we had to move to the next city, so we were in no rush. Sara never felt like unpacking after a show, either.

 

I sat on our bed with my phone in hand, checking my email and not paying any attention to Sara. That definitely upset her, and it upset me too. One of the hardest things for me since I cheated was having to make eye contact with her. She noticed that I wouldn’t do it for long and that I was quick to look away. This was one of those times where I just couldn’t lock eyes with her at all.

 

Sara was in the bathroom, taking off her makeup and changing into more comfortable clothes. Once she walked out and into the bedroom, I could feel her staring at me and she definitely wasn’t going to stop anytime soon.

 

Just as I was about to look up at her, I got an incoming text message from mom.

 

It’s been forever.

 

_ Thinking of you girls. I love you, xoxo _ , it read. No motives or anything. She just wanted to let us know we’ve been on her mind. 

 

I did miss her. Reading that text put my emotions at an even bigger high.

 

“Hey Tee, quit staring at your phone.” My sister said sweetly and begging for attention. “I’m wearing your favourite panties. Don’t you want to take them off of me?”

 

I wanted to respond to mom, but I didn’t. The message stayed open and I stared at it, eventually looking up to a half-naked Sara who was needy for my affection, then back to the message.

 

And then I got a text from Colin; for some reason all of my messages were coming in now.

 

_ Hey kid, I miss you! Stacy’s mental health is doing so much better. I have all the faith in the world that she is going to be way more than okay. How are the shows going? Call me soon, I’d love to hear what you guys have been up to. _

 

“I’m just checking some messages, baby.” I said with divided attention and guilt getting heavier on my chest.

 

“And then I can finally have you all to myself, huh?” She walked a little closer in her fitted white T-shirt and lace panties.

 

“Not tonight, Sare. I’m exhausted,” I lied.

 

“Come on, Tee…” she complained. “That’s what you said yesterday. You can check emails tomorrow,” she reached for my phone to set it down and I snapped at her the second she touched me.

 

“I said I’m _ tired, _ Sare!” Before I could stop myself, I was yelling at her and she froze completely. A look of shock on her face as soon as I lashed out on her. She pulled her body back and looked so devastated and hurt. I looked at my body language and noticed I had jerked my hands as if I was going to hit her.

 

What’s happening to me?

 

I looked into her hurt eyes and I wanted to cry. How could I be so mean to her? She doesn’t deserve the way I’ve been acting. It’s one thing for me to fuck up like I did two nights ago, but I can’t even handle this situation like a mature adult? 

 

I’m a monster.

 

Sara doesn’t deserve any of this.

 

“Sare, I’m so sorry.” I reached my hand out to hold hers and she pulled away reluctantly as soon as we touched.

 

“Oh, um...it’s okay, Tee.” She became incredibly small as a result of my heartless actions. “I’m just gonna go to bed.”

 

“Sare…” I called my sister’s name, hoping she wouldn’t dismiss me again. But how could I blame her for acting any other way?

 

She pulled her side of the blankets out from under the pillows and kept her distance from me as she got into bed. She was afraid of me and that broke my heart even more. It almost hurt to swallow now as I inched closer to her hoping for another response.

 

“Goodnight, Tee.” She spoke so quietly, “I hope you get a good sleep”

 

She’s never sounded so unfamiliar to me before.

 

I could feel the tears roll down my cheek now and maybe she could hear my faint sobs. I was in a self-conflicting battle of keeping to myself and reaching out to hold her and endlessly apologize, but I don’t think she wanted to hear it again or have me touch her. 

 

She was dead silent and I hated it, I wanted her to turn around or at least say something. It wasn’t her place to make this better, though, this was all on me.

 

“Sare?” I called out quiet and weak and feeling like I was going to vomit. 

 

“Yeah?” Her voice was fragile.

 

“I slept with Sawyer,” I admitted. My words turned to sobs before I could finish that sentence and I couldn’t swallow, choking on my newborn cries. I held my sobs in from continuing and could barely breathe.

 

Sara let out a sharp whimper and I could tell she was holding in a million emotions, too. I cried harder at the suspense of her responding.

 

“I knew it,” she wailed in hysteria.

 

“I know, I know! I’m so sorry...” I repeated again and again, inching closer again and wanting her to say something else.

 

“Oh my god,” she choked frantically on her tears. Her cries became louder with every breath. “Do you love her?”

 

“No, baby, no I don’t,” I lamented in response and prepared to answer any questions she had, despite the fact that my emotions were just as flustered.

 

“Are you still sleeping with her?” Frenzied, she interrupted as soon as I responded to her last question.

 

“No, of course not!” I shook my head back and forth and listened to my tears hitting the sheets. I cried harder that she thought I would do that to us. “I’m not still sleeping with her. It was a mistake, baby. It was all a mistake.”

 

“Is that why you wanted her to tour with us?” She started asking me more questions intensely.

 

“No, baby! That’s why she  _ left! _ ”

 

“Be honest, Tee; do you have feelings for her?” My sister was vulnerable and hysterical as she readied herself for an answer.

 

“Sara, no. It’s not like that at all, baby.”

 

I couldn’t do anything to calm her down, but I wasn’t calm either. She sat upright against the headboard and bawled her eyes out even harder. “I was right. My instinct was right that night. You slept with her,” she cried and cried. “You slept with someone else, Tee! Weren’t you thinking about me?”

 

“Baby...” I sobbed as I wiped her tears, inching closer to see if she’d let me hold her. “Of course I was thinking about you. All I could think about was you. I rushed back as soon as I realized what was happening. I take full responsibility for what I did, I have so much regret over it and wish I just went home with you.”

 

She looked at my body and my hands that held her, and to her they were corrupted now. I could see it on her face. “You touched someone else?” She repeated again in disbelief that I would do it, holding my palms and brushing her hands shakily up to my biceps and to my neck. “I called you crying and you told me I had nothing to worry about. I trusted you!”

 

“I know, Sare, I know!” I sobbed and didn’t even feel deserving to beg for an apology. “You don’t understand how angry I am with myself.”

 

“I told you I loved you when you came back. You smelled like her so you showered before you got into bed with me, didn’t you?”

 

“I’m so sorry, Sare,” I accidentally let an apology slip out. I wanted to say it a hundred times more, hoping it would fix this.

 

“And then you told me at tonight’s show that she didn’t try anything with you. I thought you were mine,” her whimpers were quieted now and she ran her hand along my chest. “You let her touch you. You’re not mine anymore.”

 

“I  _ am _ yours, Sare! I always am! But I fucked up and I can’t even bring myself to apologize, you deserve better than that.”

 

“Are you still talking to her?” She ignored my indirect apology.

 

“No, baby, I’m not. I told her she’s done touring with us and to never talk to me again.”

 

“Because of me,” she stated.

 

“What?” 

 

“You said that because of me. If you weren’t with me, you’d still be sleeping with her!”

 

“Sara, you know that’s not true!”

 

“How, Tee? How am I supposed to know that’s not true?” She raised her voice, but she wasn’t yelling at me. Her tone was laced with irrepressible sadness and hurt. 

 

“You know I’m crazy about you! You  _ know  _ that,” I tried to reassure her, but I didn’t expect her to be so easily convinced right now. 

 

“I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

 

“Baby…” I stopped myself from blurting out another apology and went to brush my hand along her arm. 

 

“Tee...please...just get off of me,” she sobbed, weak. 

 

And I did exactly what she asked of me, willing to do anything she wanted me to. Even if I didn’t want to. 

 

“I think you should go.”

 

“What?”

 

“Leave. I need to be alone,” she sobbed. 

 

Well, I deserved that; I didn’t think it would be kind of me to defend myself right now. I didn’t deserve to with what I had done. 

 

“Oh...umm. Okay, Sare. Of course. I’ll just get my suitcase,” I obliged without any hesitation, in panic that this could be the end of her and I.

 

“Okay,” is all that she said. Her tears were too uncontrollable for her to say anything more than that, not like she wanted to talk to me anymore.

 

I had my suitcase in one hand and phone in my back pocket. I’m sure I left a few things because I was flustered and didn’t want to upset her more. My sister had her knees hugged into her chest as she made eye contact with me, eyes puffy.

 

“Is this it?” I stood there.

 

“This is it,” her face was stone now and she was holding in her emotions until I was gone. I, on the other hand, couldn’t help it and continued to bawl my eyes out in front of her. “I’ll walk you out.”

 

Sara pulled the door open for me and we exchanged glances again; her stone face and mine the exact opposite.

 

“No it’s not, Sare.” I shook my head in denial; she didn’t know what she was talking about right now. “This isn’t it.”

 

“Goodnight, Tegan.” 

 

Standing there in a sheer shirt and lace panties, my sister gave me the death stare that made my heart drop into my stomach. I don’t know how I’m going to survive tonight without her. She was adamant on me leaving, so I did. That was all the fight I put up, truthfully because I felt like I’d be manipulating her into staying with a cheater. 

 

This is the second time she’s kicked me out of our hotel room on this trip. And no, I’m not going to sleep with Sawyer if she comes knocking on my door with chocolates, flowers and a heartfelt apology like Lindsey did. I’m vulnerable and helpless when she breaks my heart, but never sleazy. And I’ve definitely learned my lesson and Sara and I have grown so much in our relationship since then. 

 

Her and I have built so much trust into one another and have become rock solid in our relationship, which is why I had to tell her the truth about the other night. She can do what she wants with it, but I could have never carried on a pure relationship with her built on a foundation of lies.

 

I went down to the front desk and fortunately they had some spare rooms available. I didn’t want to go crying to Emy or the guys right now. Or mom. Or Colin. I didn’t want to speak to a single soul. All I wanted to do was to crawl up into this new oversized bed and just cry until my sobs rock me to sleep.

 

And that’s exactly what I did. I dropped my suitcase beside my bed and changed into Sara’s clothes just to torture myself with her familiar smell. I shut my phone off so I was nothing to the world and pulled the crisp, cold covers over my shaking body. My sobs were loud and I didn’t care; the walls were thick, or at least I would imagine with what rooms cost over here. Occasionally, I’d muffle my screams into the million pillows that sprawled out on the bed and they became damp in a matter of minutes.

 

My throat began to swell and my eyes were so strained I swear they were going to pop out of my sockets or at the least I had bursted a blood vessel. I grabbed the water bottle beside me to hopefully calm myself down, and luckily I was getting tired from my endless crying.

 

I curled up into a bawl. My heaving had stopped and my painfully loud sobs had quieted. I had worked myself up so much that I became exhausted now. I fought to keep my eyes open until I realized there was no reason for them to be. Pitch black and in the middle of the night, I had finally got myself to sleep. 


	80. Infinity

**Stacy**

 

Things are getting better.

 

Not amazing, but definitely better. I’m home now. My family is so happy to see me, especially with them knowing what’s been going on the last few months. I had to convince them to let me stay home on my own. They wanted me over at their place so they could keep a watchful eye on me, but I insisted I was getting the help I need. 

 

Even though I don’t want to. 

 

I’m still doing it. 

 

“Stace, get in!” Colin pulled up to the driveway in his black BMW and rolled down the passenger seat window. It was almost obnoxious if he didn’t have this warm and charming demeanour to him. I think he knew it, too, and that’s why he couldn’t help but laugh as he took off his sunglasses and watched me looking blankly at him from my front porch. 

 

“Hi,” I avoided eye contact as I got into his car, greeting him with a newfound pep in my voice. 

 

“Hi,” he greeted me with likewise enthusiasm, acknowledging me sneaking a double take at the interior. “You look beautiful today, how are you feeling?”

 

I brushed my fingers along my skirt, making sure it kept my skin separate from the scorching hot leather seat. “It’s only been four days since I’ve been home, but anything could have been better than that night. And thank you.”

 

“Well, as long as you’re better than that night, I’m happy to hear it.” Colin reversed out of the driveway, drove down my street and onto the main road. “You hungry? I was thinking we grab some lunch.”

 

“Yeah, starving actually.”

 

Colin promised Tegan he would take care of me and make sure I get better. For the first time in a while, I actually feel like somebody cares about me. Not just for the sake of my well-being, not just because he saw how distraught Tegan was over my attempt, but because he genuinely had an interest in me getting back on my feet. 

 

On the night I overdosed, he stayed with me after Sara and Tegan left. I didn’t expect them to stay, of course. I didn’t even expect them to bring me to the hospital. I didn’t even expect Tegan to get so mad at me for not wanting to get better. But Colin did stay, even when I insisted he didn’t have to. 

 

I was surprised of the fact that Tegan didn’t hate me, even after all that I did. Even before Sara lost her memory, I tried to kiss her in Berlin and Tegan was furious. And then when Sara had no recollection of ever being with her I tried to steal her from from her without any guilty conscience. At least not until after. 

 

That’s when I had hit an all time low of desperation. 

 

You’re probably wondering if I’m still in love with Sara. Of course I am. How can I get over her, especially when she was almost mine again? She called me baby, kissed me and laughed with me like we were each other’s. It brought back memories I would never get back. 

 

I knew I couldn’t mess with their relationship, but I tried. I knew Sara was smart enough to figure out her heart didn’t belong to me anymore, but I hoped she wouldn’t figure it out anyway. Even just for one moment of intimacy and an emotional connection with her. 

 

My desperation got the best of me. I couldn’t imagine a life without her. That day she called me on the phone from the hospital calling me baby and saying ‘I love you’ put me into making the stupidest, most selfish decision of my life. We won’t even talk about what an asshole I was to Tegan, and yet she still brought me to the hospital when God knows Sara didn’t care to. 

 

Even though I told her I hate her, I developed a newfound respect for Tegan and all that she has gone through for Sara. She really does love her and never did back down when it came to their relationship. I can’t hate her, especially after she brought me to the emergency room and seeing her so angry with me for not wanting me to get better.

 

I could sit here and sulk and say she just wants me to be alive to have me suffer to watch their perfect relationship, but deep down I know she genuinely cares. She’s quicker to forgive between the two of them. It was apparent when Lindsey and I took advantage of her and it’s still apparent now with all the shit I put her through. 

 

Maybe soon I will truly want to get better. Maybe soon I will love my life again and not just cope. Maybe I won’t just be counting down the days and getting by. Maybe one day I’ll find someone that I will love so crazy in a healthier way and they’ll share that same love for me. Maybe I could hold onto this hope until that happens because until then, that’s all I have. 

 

Colin and I sat across from each other. He didn’t leave his phone on the table like most people do, so I didn’t either. I worried he was going to ask me probing questions in hopes to “get me better,” but he didn’t. 

 

His only objective was to keep me safe and in good company.

 

“So Stace, what’s the first thing that made you smile today?”

 

I almost choked on my food as I giggled at such a silly question. “You wanna know what made me smile today?” I asked as I finished my bite. 

 

“Yeah, the first thing.”

 

“Well…” It was such a simple question that no one asks. I’m used to the usual walk-by ‘how are you?’ with no intention of actually caring and you know the other person is expected  to say ‘good’. God forbid it’s something other than good—it’s not like the other person wants to hear about it anyway. “My dog jumped on me this morning and wouldn’t stop kissing me. It made me smile.”

 

Colin laughed at my answer, maybe he expected something different. Something less simple. “That’s how I woke up this morning, too. So you’re a dog person?”

 

“Totally.”

 

“They’re way better,” he made eye contact with me. “Chocolate or vanilla?”

 

“What’s with these questions?” I chuckled in confusion, thinking his questions were strange. 

 

“I don’t know, there’s not much I know about you. So I figured I’d start with the easy stuff. Come on, chocolate or vanilla, I won’t judge.”

 

“Vanilla,” I said in a serious tone, knowing my choice was the lesser of the majority. 

 

“Ew, really?”

 

“Way to not judge,” I acted offended and shrilled. 

 

“Yeah but I thought you were gonna say chocolate like every other person. You’re weird.”

 

“It’s called unique, Colin,” I snided, emphasizing his name as we began to banter. 

 

“That’s what they told you to make you feel better in elementary school.”

 

“Whatever,” I lifted my head up, priss and confident. “I’m weird.”

 

“The weirder the better,” he said and perhaps took it back as he said it. We both laughed at each other and continued to ask stupid questions back and forth as we ate. 

  
  


Colin grabbed us two coffees to go and we went for a drive in his car with no final destination in mind. We stopped at a few spots, particularly those we’ve never been to before and explored the city, continuing to get to know each other. 

 

I was enjoying my day with him and kept looking at the digital clock in his car, hoping the numbers would soon stand still. I didn’t want to be alone again. I felt strong in his company. Resilient. But was terrified at the thought of him leaving me. I tried not to let that ruin my mood right now. 

 

“I’ve had enough of this coffee. It’s cold now,” Colin said as he pulled into a plaza and beside a dumpster. “How’s your throw?”

 

“Uh, amazing.” I spoke with cockiness as he parked his car and handed me his half empty coffee cup. I gawked at the immaculate Rolex wrapped around his wrist and almost got distracted. “Watch and learn.”

 

I readied my grip and eyed the dumpster that was merely a few metres away from my door side. Colin watched intently as I launched the cup out of my hand and way over the target. A loud thump sounded and I had imagined it hit the car behind it, and probably exploding the coffee all over it. 

 

Colin gasped and held his breath as I panicked, frozen as we looked at each other  

 

“Drive, drive, drive!” I called out as he already pressed his foot to the gas and he was laughing hysterically. 

 

“Oh my god! I bet the most uptight, pompous guy is going to come out and see his car covered in coffee,” Colin laughed hysterically. 

 

“Colin, drive faster!” I was terrified that Colin was right and he was going to come out any minute. 

 

“Maybe we should wait for him…”

 

“Maybe we shouldn’t!” I fussed. “Go faster!”

 

“Alright, alright. Fine, let’s go.” His laughter almost brought him to tears now and my expression wasn’t very far off from that either. “So, good throw.”

 

“Yeah,” I coughed. “Let’s just not talk about that.”

 

**Sara**

 

I was alone in this huge bed on such short notice. I didn’t expect Tegan to not be here tonight and it hurt so bad. Breathing properly wasn’t an option anymore and my body was beyond weak. I kept ceasing up and going in and out of sleep, hoping that what Tegan admitted to was just a dream and then remembering that it wasn’t.

 

Small was an understatement for how I felt. I crawled back into bed as soon as I shut the door on Tegan and looked at my phone, hoping she would message me. Hoping that maybe once she would fight to keep me; I know from my journal that she was never one to do that. I didn’t want to be the first to message her, it was her that should have been taking initiative to do that. Was I naive to hope that she would even reach out?

 

I tortured myself, too. I opened up Sawyer’s social media accounts and creeped them so intensely that even I knew I was better than this. I scoffed at photos of her; she’s not even Tegan’s type. She looked way too hardcore with her excessive ink and piercings, and she was just never into that. Words can’t even explain how much it hurt me that she would be unfaithful to me the second I separated from her.

 

Message. 

 

I stared at that button over and over and debated whether or not I actually should. Would that be immature of me? Unprofessional, even? She clearly had no respect for me. How dare she talk to me so two-faced like that and as if I’d never know about her intentions with Tegan? 

 

I wanted to give her a piece of my mind:

 

_ Come around Tegan again and you’ll be sorry you ever met me.  _

 

Too much? Whatever.

 

This was sent  on Tegan and I’s instagram; she finally gave me the password back to our social media accounts. Obviously she was going to see the message but I didn’t care; my emotions were running on a high right now. 

 

Sawyer had seen the message when I checked back five or so minutes later, but of course no reply. I didn’t expect one, but apparently that was my cue to message her again.

 

_ Fuck you, Sawyer. You disgust me. _

 

Yep, very immature and unprofessional of me, but I didn’t give any fucks right now. My sadness had turned into anger as she kept reading the messages and not responding. Not like I expected her to say anything back anyways.

 

My phone buzzed and startled me just as I was about to set it down.

 

_ Tegan tell you?  _ It read.

 

No shit, Sawyer.

 

_ Yep.  _ I was quick to respond.

 

_ You mad at her?  _ She asked.

 

_ Mhm. _

 

I watched as the ellipsis appeared on and off the screen. 

 

_ Alright, well...don’t be,  _ she wrote back.

 

I scoffed at that message. Who was she to tell me what to do?

 

_ Why?  _ I was displeased with myself for messaging in the middle of the night and asking for her advice--the girl my sister cheated on me with. Real pathetic. I should just drink myself to sleep at this point.

 

_ We shouldn’t be talking, Sara. You and I both know that. Me telling you what to do isn’t gonna solve anything. Just talk it out with Tegan, I guess. _

 

I didn’t reply. I was too angry, but she was right--I wasn’t gonna solve anything unless I’m talking about this with Tegan. I closed my Instagram and pulled up Tegan’s name in my phone and called her.

 

My body began to shake while the phone rang, nervousness in the pit of my stomach. The suspense was killing me for her to pick up. Was I being stupid for calling her? She should be trying to fix this with me. Why did Sawyer even say I shouldn’t be mad at her?

 

So much for getting myself worked up, she didn’t even answer. Her phone rang twice and that was it. She must have turned her phone off, but why would she do that? I began to worry, but tried not to think of the worst, like the fact that Sawyer was with her.

 

Fuck. My mind went there.

 

_ Are you with Tegan? _ Ugh, I’m so weak.

 

_ No… _

 

_ Please don’t lie to me, Sawyer. _

 

_ I’m not, Sara. _ God, she knew how pathetic I was asking her for reassurance just as much as I did.

 

I couldn’t let go of my phone, I just couldn’t. I closed Instagram again and just looked through photos of Tegan and I that we took on my camera. Then of course the tears came...again. Photos of me holding my phone and taking selfies while she squeezed me from behind, kissing my cheek and making me laugh. Fuck, those were the ones that just killed me.

 

I bet that Tegan had more photos of us on her phone and that she deleted the ones on mine from the days I don’t remember. God, I’d love to see those. And I wish she’d answer her fucking phone.

 

The worst part is that I could still smell her on the pillow next to me so slightly. It made me feel safe, but heartbroken at the fact that she wasn’t here right now. I keep having to tell myself that she cheated on me and that it happened, because it just doesn’t seem real. Her being strange the past two days didn’t have me suspicious since I trusted her so much. Maybe that’s what hurt the most, too. Regardless, I pulled that pillow underneath my head and the covers overtop until I was seeing blackness. I curled up into a fetal position and cried. I kept my phone inside the covers with me in case she called, begging to take me back and apologizing for leaving so suddenly.

  
  


I couldn’t help but wonder if Tegan was bored of me, if there was something about Sawyer that she liked more than about me. Maybe she was mad that I didn’t reciprocate feelings of love fast enough and that was her way of dealing with it. 

 

Thoughts of Tegan and Sawyer from that night never escaped my brain. I couldn’t stop thinking about them kissing and touching each other, and every minute spent on it hurt more than the last. My stomach turned and my throat felt tight at images of my sister screaming in pleasure from a girl who wasn’t me. And it can never be undone, even if it was a mistake like she insisted it was.

 

\--

 

Endless knocking and banging filled my ears and I thought I was still dreaming. I worked to open my heavy lids and lift the blanket off of me. It was so bright out and I feel like I had been sleeping forever.

 

“Tegan, Sara, open up!” The familiar voice sounded annoyed and restless now. It was Emy’s voice. I was startled, but still in sleep mode and too heartbroken to jump or be startled. I pulled some shorts from my suitcase so I was presentable in something other than underwear. I looked down and remembered my shirt was extremely fitted and near see-through in a failed attempt to get Tegan’s attention last night, so I put a bra on.

 

I opened the door and wiped the sleep out from my eyes lazily. “Yeah?”

 

“Where’s Tegan?” Emy calmed down once I opened the door, still remiss of my extreme nonchalant demeanor.

 

“She’s not here because she doesn’t know how to put up a fight for me.”

 

“Because she thinks she doesn’t deserve you,” Emy responded.

 

“Why do you say it like that?”

 

“Wait...why are  _ you _ saying that?” She asked, cluing in to the conversation now.

 

“Tegan cheated on me, Em. She slept with Sawyer that night I left after the show.”

 

“She told you?” Emy was more shocked of the fact that Tegan told me rather than her actually cheating.

 

“What do you mean ‘she told you’?” I was highly offended that this was being a secret kept from me. “You knew?!”

 

“Yeah,” Emy looked nonchalant. “I told her not to tell you.”

 

“What the fuck, Emy! Why would you say that?”

 

“Because it didn’t mean anything.”

 

“Come on, you know that’s bullshit.”

 

“Sara, I’m serious. It didn’t mean anything.”

 

I looked at her, angry, confused and exhausted as she helped herself into my hotel room. 

 

“She  _ slept  _ with her, Em. How does that not mean anything to someone? She didn’t even bother to try and save this relationship. She just walked out.”

 

“Did you tell her to leave?” She asked and I could tell she was already siding with Tegan.

 

“Why wouldn’t I?” I defended.

 

“It’s not that she’s not putting up a fight with you, it’s that she doesn’t feel like an apology’s enough. Sare, I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, I really am, but I’m gonna tell you what happened. Clearly Tegan feels way too guilty to tell you an unbiased version of this.”

 

“Unbiased version of this? She willingly slept with her! What is there to leave out that could possibly make this not her fault?” I asked. 

 

“Did Tegan leave out that Sawyer was basically shoving alcohol in her face?”

 

“What do you mean she was ‘shoving alcohol in her face’?”

 

“I mean every time she turned back she had more alcohol in her glass. Sawyer never let it get empty.”

 

“Well, didn’t Tegan think anything of it?” I tried to find a reason to keep Tegan wrong.

 

“Sawyer opens for you guys, you’re _ supposed _ to have a professional relationship! She didn’t think she was gonna try anything. And she was talking to her about you the entire night. So no, none of us thought anything of it. We just thought she wanted us all to get wasted.”

 

I didn’t say anything, letting myself process everything Emy was saying to me. I was thrown off, but still had a guard up. “What was she saying about me?”

 

“How much she loves you, you know, shit that would suggest that she’s committed to you and for someone else not to hit on them?”

 

“She told her that?” I said, walls coming down a bit and getting more emotional now. I started to open up to the fact that maybe she wasn’t as in the wrong as I thought.

 

“Yes. She loves you. She fucked up, sure, but don’t be so blind.”

 

“Why are you siding with her so much?” I started to get angry at her. “And she went to her hotel room, did she not?”

 

“She did, but she was so drunk by then, Sare. She thought Sawyer was going to take her back to your hotel. That was my fault for not seeing what she was doing, and I’m so sorry I didn’t notice. That’s the part that really sucks, but Tegan would never have agreed to that sober. You know that.”

 

“So what are you saying then, Em?”

 

“I’m saying Tegan isn’t strong enough to ask for you to forgive her. She thinks she doesn’t deserve to be with you after what she did. She is going to torture herself for it more than you ever will. Can you just be the bigger person right now and go make up with her?”

 

\--

 

“I lost my room key, can I get another?”

 

“Sure, what’s your name?” The concierge looked up at me to what I’d hoped was a familiar face.

 

“Tegan Quin.”

 

“Do you have any ID on you?”

 

“Mhm,” I hummed nervously and pulled out a copy of my sister’s passport for him to see. I crossed my fingers behind my back that he wouldn’t be able to distinguished the tiniest differences in our facial features from the photo. “Oh! Uhh, can you...remind me of my room number, too?” I said stupidly as he passed back my identification and handed me the room key I had asked for.

 

Real smooth on my behalf.

 

“Fifth floor, those elevators over there,” he said as he wrote the number down on the envelope. “Long night?”

 

“Very,” I went along to the fact that he probably thought I was drinking or something. “Thank you.”

 

Phew.

 

Lying like that had my nerves on edge. Not to mention my blood was boiling from Tegan not picking up her phone all day or having the balls to apologize to me. I waited impatiently in the elevator and pressed the buttons aggressively in hopes that they would take me to her floor faster.

 

Once I got there I didn’t think twice as I slid the key in the aperture and the light turned green. I felt like an intruder as I invited myself in, but that thought was quick to slip my mind. Her room was large and dimly lit and I could hear her exhausted cries from the bathroom. 

 

I was so angry with her. I unapologetically walked myself over to the living area, not giving a shit about being quiet. I wanted her to know I was here. I sat down on the couch and impatiently waited for her to come out from the bathroom.

 

Her cries got louder as she shut the bathroom door and entered the room I waited for her in. She was wearing pajama shorts and an oversized black shirt, clearly having been in that since she woke up. Or perhaps she even spent the whole day in bed.

 

We made eye contact. The second she noticed me, she panicked and turned around, walking back toward the bedroom past the bathroom.

 

“Don’t you dare walk away from me, Tee. Is it not enough to ignore my calls all day?” I shot up from the couch and jutted toward her, eventually latching onto her arm. She looked at me with a distraught expression and drained face, Helpless eyes and lips pressed together in an effort to hold in sobs.

 

“Why aren’t you answering my calls? Why have you been ignoring me?!” I began to raise my voice, focused on how pathetic she was being and demanding answers.

 

“I’m sorry,” she apologized under quiet cries as her hazel depths stared into mine.

 

I expected more than that now, though.

 

“You’re sorry?” I spat at her, offended that I didn’t seem to mean a thing to her anymore. “You’re  _ sorry?! _ It’s not hard pick up a fucking call, Tegan!”

 

“I know ‘sorry’ isn’t good enough for what I’ve done to you, Sare,” she said with a steady voice now.

 

“It’s not even about Sawyer anymore, it’s about what a fucking asshole you are for leaving me alone in this! And no, sorry  _ isn’t _ good enough. So why don’t you fucking do something and fix it?!” I burst out as I slapped her across the face and the hostile sound of it filled the room. She took it and barely flinched, perhaps a few newborn tears streaming from her eyes. “That’s what you do when something’s broken. You don’t just fucking walk away from it and take pity on yourself! I’m here, too!”

 

I was just hoping for her to cry and actually consider fighting for us. I wanted to make her feel the way I felt today for the way she abandoned me. She felt like she deserved all those blows, I could tell by the way she didn’t physically fight back.

 

“How can I fix this, huh, Sare? What do you want me to do?!” She lashed out, the anger more so directed at herself. She held my wrists so I couldn’t slap her anymore, but that upset me more.

 

“I don’t know, Tee!” I broke free of her grip and shoved her. “Don’t just fucking make this about you and like you can’t do anything to fix it!”

 

“I’m not making this about me!” She yelled overtop of me as I continued to yell back. Neither of us were listening to each other.

 

“Yes you fucking are! Did you even think about how I felt after?! I get it, you fucked up. Don’t just tell me you fucked someone else and then walk out when I tell you to leave. What did you expect me to say?! You should have just fucking listened to Emy and kept it from me unless you were actually going to fight for me!” I was really aggressive with her both physically and verbally while she worked to resist fighting back, holding me still.

 

“You think I didn’t want to fight for us? Of course I fucking did, Sare! Do you know how fucking miserable I felt inside? I didn’t deserve to beg for an apology!” My sister cried out, appearing at the end of her breaking point.

 

“Then you had no right to tell me the truth! So you came this far and you’re done, huh? Thanks for making me fall in love with you, Tegan. If only I knew you weren’t going to be there for me when I did. If only I knew it wasn’t ever reciprocated.”

 

I had hit a nerve; she slammed me up against a wall as soon as I implied she never loved me. Her grip on my face and fire in her orbs, tone serious now. “You can stand here and hit me and scream at me all you fucking want, but don’t you dare say that I never loved you, Sara.”

 

I wasn’t afraid of her. 

 

“Actions speak louder than words, sis. It’s hard not to say when it doesn’t seem like you do.”

 

“Stop saying that,” she broke down. It was clear that what I said was breaking her heart, and it didn’t feel as good as I thought it would.

 

“Well what else am I supposed to say, Tee, you think I felt like you loved me today? You left me! You ignored my calls!” I bawled my eyes out. “You left me to deal with this on my own when I needed you to tell me everything was going to be okay...and you didn’t.”

 

She let her walls down, too, taking her hand from my jaw to my shoulder. “I know,” she sobbed and pulled my body into hers, speaking slowly. “I know, baby. I’m sorry. I’m  _ so _ _ fucking sorry _ . You deserved for me to stay. You deserved for me to be there for you. It was my responsibility to fix this and I had every intention to, but I didn’t follow through when it got too much for me. I just want to apologize to you a million times but that doesn’t mean anything. Please let me show you how in love with you I am, Sare. You mean the world to me.”

 

Our relationship was in a very broken place right now and we really couldn’t afford to fight anymore. All this fighting was coming from a place of hate and jealousy and blame, but we were none of those things. Our love was bigger than that.

 

“Okay,” I responded once I knew my sobs wouldn’t break my words. “Okay, Tee. I trust you.”

 

I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt as she cried harder. She was completely vulnerable with me and wearing her heart on her sleeve. I said I wanted to see her hurting, but it shattered me to actually experience it. I didn’t want her to feel pain just as much as she didn’t want me to feel pain. 

 

Some things are just inevitable.

 

“I love you so much. Please don’t ever forget that, okay Sare? No, I won’t ever let you forget that. I promise. I love you so fucking much.”

 

I nodded my head slowly as our knees became too weak to stand and we surrendered to the floor together. My sister put out all of her emotions for me to see, and she was far gone and resigned. I held her body as she heaved up and down in tears, it wasn’t long until I felt as defeated as her. 

 

“I love you, too, Tegan,” my breathy sobs filled her ears. “It’s okay, baby,” I tilted her face up to mine. “I forgive you.”

 

“Okay,” Tegan was beyond hysterical.

 

Our voices quieted now into arrhythmic, breathy cries and sniffling noises. Tegan and I couldn’t stop telling each other how in love we were. It hurt to say and hear because of just how badly we handled this hardship. We both wanted it to get better, anything else wasn’t an option. We weren’t going to quit each other, despite the fact that I love to push that she will.

 

Once our emotions settled, or more specifically two hours later, we talked. We put everything out on the table so there would be no hate, jealousy or blame. We held each other as we shared everything, cross-legged and facing each other on the couch. Tegan talked a lot more than me and I listened. She had a lot more patching up to do and explaining about that night with Sawyer. It was extremely hard to hear, but we did our best not to let our emotions get in the way. 

 

Easier said than done. 

 

Even now, Tegan doesn’t have any good reason as to why she did it. And it definitely wasn’t because I didn’t reciprocate an ‘I love you’. Tegan was incredibly hurt to hear that I thought that was her intentions behind cheating. 

 

Her infidelity was ultimately attributed to way too many glasses of alcohol, like Emy insisted, along with Sawyer’s lack of respect of course. Tegan was too pained to admit the first part, because it was essentially known as the cheapest excuse in the book and we both knew it. But if Tegan actually did drink as much alcohol as Emy said, which I believe, I’d have to accept it. Because I know how easily influenced Tegan is after even a few drinks. She’d be near helpless after as many as she had that night, but even when I asked that question she couldn’t remember how many. 

 

She told me about how Sawyer called her the day after to continue seeing each other and that’s when Tegan refused her from coming back to tour with us. I hated that Emy knew and told her not to keep it from me. I tried not to judge so much, but I told Tegan to please tell me the truth no matter how shitty the circumstance. I was grateful that she went against Emy’s advice and told me the truth. I made sure she knew that because she was being extremely hard on herself the whole time we talked. I had to give her credit for being vulnerable with me, I knew it was hard for her. I could see it on her face. 

 

“I know this isn’t easy, Tee.” I kept my walls down and ego out of the way. “Thank you for being so honest with me about this.”

 

“Thank you for giving me a second chance.”

 

I laughed softly. “I’ll always give you second chances.”

 

She must not have expected me to say that, because she broke down into silent tears and leaned in to hug me. “Fuck,” she sobbed, overwhelmed and exhausted from all this. I pulled her closer and into my chest. She was hurting more than me, perhaps even this whole entire time. I got what I wanted when I was mad, but it didn’t feel good. I was just happy to know she cared, because unfortunately I lost sight of that. 

 

Tegan made a promise to me that she won’t drink in the company of someone who might seem to take advantage of her when we’re not together. It seemed a bit extreme, but I know she would give anything to erase that night, so she held onto that commitment to me. I told her she could drink a little bit, but she insisted she wouldn’t even do that. 

 

I held her in my arms for the rest of the night and eventually fell asleep on the couch. She never did stop crying and her body was cold and shaky. Everything we had to say has been said. And everything we could possibly do has been done. It’s just a matter of properly communicating with each other and being honest in this relationship. I believe in us—everything is going to be okay and I had to be the one to continuously remind Tegan of that. 

 

She had fallen asleep before me because of how restless the crying made her. I could hear her moaning in her sleep like she was having awful nightmares. Every now and then she would wake up and cry hysterically. It was incredibly painful to watch and I tried to calm her by massaging her and kissing her head. 

 

“I’m sorry, Sare,” she said repeatedly under her breath asleep, to which I would constantly assure her it’s okay and that it’s going to be okay. 

 

“I love you, Tee. I’ll love you forever.”


End file.
